Alex slips on some shorts and a tank top, pours herself some coffee and sits on the bed staring at the journal. She plucks it up and holds it near her face, pondering, before opening it up the first entry.

"I remember a wise person once saying "A house is made of walls and beams; a home is built with love and dreams". Home. My home isn't 4 walls and a bed. My home isn't some fancy mansion with maid service and liquor cabinets. It is her. Alex Vause. It is her exposed hipbones. It is the soft of her hand grazing my arm. It is her putting a piece of my hair behind my ear. It is the immense amount of peace I found when she whispered my name into my ear and smiled. We've been together for 4 months, today. I decided to start this journal because I need somewhere to put my thoughts. I need to get these out somewhere.

When I woke up this morning, our bodies were fishtail braided together. Her leg in-between mine, her arm draped over my chest, protectively. I sometimes feel like she sleeps like this because she's afraid I'll just leave during the night. She wants to keep me with her, close to her and protect me with her life. I don't think she knows I feel the same way about her. It's why I cling to her shoulder when she takes me to parties. I know I'm no perfect person, and I don't even deserve her, but god, I want to. I want to deserve her. I'm so terrified one day she will fall for someone new. Someone smarter, wiser, prettier, better. Maybe I'm just insecure. But I've always been. She's too good for me. But she chose me…over everyone else she could possibly be with. And that's something to keep me going."

Alex fixes her glasses and realizes she's been crying. She remembers their 4 month mark. Piper treated it as such a special, monumental mark. Alex never understood why month marks would mean so much, until Piper left. Now she understood all too well. Every month mark was like the next step, the next journey for them. It showed how far they've come, albeit slowly. Piper talked about her as if she put the stars in the sky. As if she was the sun to her.

There wasn't much writing on the next few pages, just drawings of flowers and Jupiter and an eye with Alex's signature wing above it. Alex smiles fondly at the drawings, and looks for more entries. She finds a couple that are schedules of days Piper planned for them to do whilst in Bali. Some entries are lyrics from songs, such as;

"Sunshine Oh sunshine,

If you don't know why you shine

You've got to go into the sun

You've got to go inside"

"If you love me

I'll make you a star in my universe

You'll never have to go to work

You'll spend every day

Shining your light my way"

Alex recognizes the songs from the mix Piper made her. She goes to her duffle bag and pulls out t-shirts, socks, headphones, and then the mix with 'To Alex- Listen when you need a Piper reminder!' with a smiley face and heart next to it. She rolls her eyes and smiles brightly, and inserts the CD into her Walkman and puts on her headphones. She lets the music take her into another world. Her old reality. The one with Piper in it.

It's 5:46AM when Alex wakes up, cradling the journal to her chest as if it was Piper (because it sort of is) (the only Piper she has left in her life). She looks at her phone, semi hoping there would be a missed call from someone (a certain bright blue-eyed blonde that invades her mind every waking second since they met). But there's no missed calls or texts. She unlocks her phone, scrolls through her contacts until she finds the right number. She presses the call button, puts the phone to her ear and listens to the ring, it rings 5 times and goes straight to voicemail. Her mother's voice fills the phone speaker stating she can't get to the phone right now but to leave a message after the beep. She lets out a ragged breath she didn't know she was keeping in until then. There's a beep. And then silence. "Hey ma. It's Alex. I know you won't ever answer but I call in hopes that you'll magically answer and tell me how to deal with this. Explain to me how stupid I am, and hopefully explain how the fuck I'm supposed to move on or make my life better when the only time my breaths started to become erratic and mean anything is when Piper walked into my life. I can't do this anymore Ma. You always knew the right things to say, you knew what to do. Now how will I ever know what to do if you're gone?" If you would like to listen to the recording, press 1 or if you would like to send it, press 2 or hang up. Alex presses the red button, drops her phone to the hardwood floor and sobs. She sobs until she can breathe again. She sobs her mom's name. She sobs Piper's name. She sobs their names as if the mantra will bring them back. But it doesn't. And it won't.

([Flashback- Cambodia]

"Y'know what? Fuck you, Alex. You're such an asshole. I mean, she called you, and of all things you could've done, you answered. You fuckin' answered. What did she want? What makes her think she has the right to call you?" I basically seethe at Alex, if this wasn't the worst trip she's been on, she's afraid what would be.

"Are you fucking kidding me? I'm not gonna cheat on you, Piper. Why the fuck would I do that? I have all I ever wanted in my life right the fuck in front of me. Why would I give that up? Huh? Since you seem to think you know EVERYTHING, explain to me how I could be that much of an idiot. I wasn't going to ignore the call, Sylvie was a mule, and I never know if it could be related to my job, Piper. Yes, I answered, she threw me an apology and wanted to talk because she had no one. So you know what I did? I told her to fuck off, she can find someone to keep her bed warm. I had more important things to do. So if I'm an asshole, okay." Alex rolled her eyes, running her hand through her hair and then threw the nearest object, in this case a lamp, onto the ground and bit back a sob.

"I'm going to bed. Whether you believe me or not, is up to you, but I can't just stand here and fight with you when that isn't what I want. Goodnight, Pipes." She starts to the stairs, and I speed walk up towards her and hold onto her waist as she stops. We stand there like that for a while, my left hand on her lower back and my right hand on her waist. We rock ever so slowly until our breathing is at a normal rate. We laugh. She laughs into my neck and holds me close to her chest. I apologize for being uptight and not waiting to listen to the whole story before copping an argument. She forgives me and kisses my forehead.)