(2 months later)
Alex wakes up, her eyes are tired and she's restless. She gets up, and turns on the shower, strips off her clothes and soaks herself under the steaming water. She stands underneath it and scrubs her skin raw, hoping if she scrubs the rag hard enough against her skin, she can rinse off her devastation. She just wants to not think anymore. Thinking leads to nowhere good. She goes to dry off and a baggie falls from her towel. The Heroin. Why it was in her towel, was beyond her. But she's opening the baggie before she can process her thoughts. She bends over the counter, forming the substance into a couple of lines and snorts it into her system. The pain is gone. She feels…happy. For the first time since Piper left and her mom died. This is good.
When Alex comes to, she's still in the bathroom, only she's on the floor. Naked. She gets up, walks to her bag, pulls out another baggie and a t-shirt, walks to the kitchen and sits on the stool. She puts on her t-shirt, eats a bagel and snorts some more H until she feels at peace, once more. She looms around the room until she sees the forgotten journal of Piper's on the floor, opened up to another entry.
"One thing I could never possibly stop loving is Alex's smile. That big goofy grin when she's unbearably happy and not afraid to show it. I want her to smile with her teeth, all her beautiful teeth. Except for when she really can't summon the energy. That's okay, because her grumpy face is just as ravishing as her smile. On her grumpy days, I make her breakfast in bed. Scrambled eggs, black coffee, blueberry bagel. I know it's her comfort food. I know Diane makes it better. But that's quite alright. I called her mom one morning and expressed that she raised Alex extraordinary."
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Alex flips through the pages.
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"She stopped inviting me out with her to parties. She'd apologize for my behavior. I think she's genuinely embarrassed of me. Embarrassed of how when I've had a little too much to drink I'll cling to her arm like a toddler to their mother's leg. When she's the only sense of reality I had left when I took two tabs of LSD and end up almost jumping off of our roof because I needed to be closer to the sun. I wanted to be a part of it. Bathe in it. She'd take me home early. She'd feel bad about herself when I cry in the bathroom. Play a CocoRosie vinyl until I come out, puffy-eyed and childlike. Hold me so tight. She'd lead me to the couch and play with my hair and we'd watch bad 3AM infomercials because we're honestly too tired and too comfortable being entangled in each other like vines. I wanted to tell her that it's okay. That it's okay she gets embarrassed of me and it's okay that we get bored. I'm still going to touch her like it's my quest to learn and relearn every part of her body, every hair, every line, every scar."
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"She's learning to say sorry without making excuses."
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"Is it weird to say I miss her when she's sleeping in bed, right next to me?"
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"I woke up earlier to the loud incoherent mumbles of my girlfriend. She was having a bad dream, I realized. I scooped her into my arms, soothed her with soft touches and stroked her hair and kissed her shoulder until she stopped tensing and fell back into a peaceful sleep. She's so beautiful. What did I ever do with my life before her?"
Alex was deep in thought when her phone went off. It was an email. Weird, because it was the email she hardly ever uses. She goes in and checks it and almost drops her phone. The name, crystal clear. Piper Chapman sent you an email! She thinks it must be a joke. A sick fucking joke. She thinks her brain is fucking with her. There's no subject, she goes and reads through. She bites her lip. Anxious.
To- Alex Vause -
From- Piper Chapman -
Subject- (No Subject)
"I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe knowing you don't use this email makes me feel a little better about doing this. I would've written a letter and just never send it, but writing hasn't been the same since I left you. It makes me physically sick to write about you. When you're not here. You're not the same woman I fell in love with all those years ago. Polly told me I should do this, it's healthier than drinking myself into oblivion and a better coping mechanism than hurting myself. I miss you so much. My mother's trust issues are leaking into my chest and I've got my father's nose and his tendency to stop calling back. So I'm sorry about the 9 missed calls I had from you and the 6 voicemails I never played I swear I'd love you if I could. But you're not you when you're enveloped in your business. You never cared about where I went that day or how I was. You didn't care. You didn't care. And I left because I know I would've went to jail for you, I would've done anything for you, I would've died for you. And that's not a healthy way to live. I hope you're okay. I try to text you every day, but I assume you blocked my number because you don't ever see them. I sometimes find myself wondering what would've come of us if you weren't in your profession. If we would've worked out. In my fantasies, you're still around. You're still kissing my nape, and I'm still holding onto your arm, and we're happy and in love. Do you miss me, too? Of course you don't. I still think you stopped loving me a long time ago. But I hold onto the memories of when you did. And they are what keeps me going through the motions. I still love you… "
Alex starts to shake. This isn't happening, no. Why would Piper email her, miss her, or still love her? She reads through the email again and again and fixes her glasses. I still think you stopped loving me a long time ago. But she didn't? She didn't stop loving her. If she had, this would all be so easy. She goes to find the journal, still shaking. She turns through the pages, hoping to find why she thinks that. She needs a fix first. No. Yes. No, she can't, she can't have a fuzzy brain right now. She needs to know.
"I don't know why. I don't know when. She fell out of love with me somewhere down the line. I didn't think it would happen but all the signs are there, she doesn't even care if I'm here or not. She's out recruiting more mules and I'm in the hotel room drinking pints of whiskey. I don't know what to do. But what can I do anymore? I've loved her from far away and ruined every moment of it. I can't beg, perhaps I won't. I'm strong but she ignites a whole other fire inside of me. Sometimes people stop loving you. And that's the kind of darkness that never gets fixed."
Alex pulls out her phone and finds the next flight back to New York.