(Note: Brief self-harm mention, drug mention)
7 ½ hours without a fix has Alex positively itching for more. She did a couple of lines before the flight. Once her baggage arrives, she finds her car, finds a baggie, and sticks it into her pocket before packing up the car with her luggage. She sits in her seat, head against the steering wheel. She pulls out the baggie and lays out the lines perfectly on the dashboard. She inhales the substance. Now she's ready to go. First stop; Diane's house.
Stepping inside the house, she breathes in, hoping she could catch a lingering scent of her mother. Nothing. It's been 3 months. It will never smell like her mom lived here again. She starts to feel drowsy, drifting in and out of consciousness.
When Alex wakes up, she goes to check her phone. 4 missed calls from Fhari. 2 texts from Kubra. 1 email from Piper Chapman. She unlocks her phone, opens the mail app. Hesitates. Taps her fingers against the edge of her iPhone. Taps the new email. Loading.
To: Alex Vause –
From: Piper Chapman –
Subject: (No Subject)
"I listened to your voicemails. God, oh god. I miss you so much. I wish I knew if you were okay. I went to your mother's funeral, you weren't there. I was so fucking hoping you'd be there. But you weren't. No one knows where you are. If you're okay. I am trying to be in control. I am trying to be 3 minute phone call laundry room floor confident, phone thrown on the bed, that was easy, that was easy, that was easy, but I listened to your voicemail 37 times until I was sure the mumbling was that's okay too and not I love you and I'm telling you that I am trying to make my hands stop shaking but maybe the vibration of my phone would calm them down if you know what I mean. Please if you're out there; if you're listening, maybe you could come home sometime soon or maybe you could reach out. I am still here waiting even if you think I ran away, I am waiting I am very good at waiting and I will wait for you. I love you. So much."
Alex drops her phone and tries to regulate her breathing. She missed her own mother's funeral. Piper went to her dead mother's funeral. Piper is worried. Piper feels bad. Piper is waiting. Waiting. She's waiting. Piper deserves to feel bad, she deserves to wait after the thing's she done, Alex thinks. But she knows she's so relieved. And she's reaching for her phone, finding her blocked numbers, unblocking the number she never thought she'd get any use out of, and presses the call button before she can allow herself to think about it. She's been doing that a lot.
Ring. Ring. Pause. Breathing.
"Alex?"
…..
"Alex, is that you?"
Alex starts to sob. She didn't think she could ever feel this at peace again.
"Oh, Alex baby, shh shh. It's okay. Where are you?"
I'm at my mom's.
"You're in town? Shit, stay where you are. I'm on my way. Please, stay there."
She drops the phone and starts to hyperventilate. She feels as if she's suffocating and the tears won't stop flowing out of her eyelids, no matter how much she clenches her eyes shut to stop them from coming out. She feels lost. Hopeless. She can feel her lungs caving in. The baggie is on the counter. But she can't get up from the floor. She's so cold. She screams but no words will fall out of her mouth. She feels weak. She's throwing up stomach acid. She can't breathe. She scratches at her veins, they want so badly to be ripped out. Maybe she will. Maybe that will stop the hurting. She's sobbing and reaching for her pocket knife, failing to notice the door opening and rushed footsteps towards the living space. She feels warm hands at her back, and on her shoulders. She hears soft whispers that it'll be okay in her ear. Piper pulls her closer towards her warm body, holding Alex so close and so tight so she couldn't go anywhere but closer. Alex sobs. Piper is stroking her hair and rubbing patterns on her arm. Alex's breathing slows down after a while, she's shaking and tired. Piper moves the hair out of your face, making sure she's alright. You want to go lay down with me? Alex nods. They slowly stand up, Piper's arm around Alex's shoulder, keeping her in balance. They make it up to the bedroom, and Piper pulls at Alex's shirt, silently asking. When she gets the okay, she slowly takes Alex's shirt off, along with her pants and leads her into the bed, under the blankets. She's still so cold. Piper gets in next to her. Alex curls up into Piper, soon falling into a deep sleep.
When Piper woke up, she felt around for Alex but no such luck. She gets really worried and springs up off the bed, looking around the room, calling her name. She raced down the stairs and went into the kitchen and found Alex. She was rocking on her heels, looking intently at the counter. She had a blanket around her shoulders and was itching at her arms and nose. Piper steps closer, the hardwood floor creaking, startling Alex. She whips her head up to look at Piper. Her eye twitched and she looks at Piper, then to the baggie on the counter. Piper sees the baggie. She looks at Alex, nods in understanding and walks over to the counter. She raises her hand up near the counter, silently begging for permission to touch it. She doesn't know if it's dangerous territory to touch her drugs. But her eyes are pleading Alex to let her help. Alex finally speaks.
"You left the book there on purpose."
Yes.
"Why?"
I...wanted you to listen. I'm not a good talker. I'm a good writer. I like to write. Ever since I left you, I stopped writing. Because I didn't feel good at it. I didn't feel anything. I would be writing about the galaxy and end it with a comparison to your irises. Loving you was the last thing I felt really good at.
Alex looks at the baggie, she debates in her head if she should dump out the contents into the trash or into her nose.
"Do you still love me?" Alex questions, not looking up from the counter across from her.
Yes. I do.
"Then I am begging you to get rid of all the heroin. I don't care how, I don't give a fuck about the consequences of mixing business with pleasure, and I don't care about the business. I missed my own god damn mother's funeral because I was so entranced with this drug and you leaving. I should've been there for her. And I wasn't. And if you don't take all the remains I have left of it, and keep them away, I will take them. All."
Are you sure?
"I'm positive."
"And Piper?"
Yes?
"I've missed you…so much."
Piper kisses the palm of Alex's hand, softly. Assuring her she feels the same. Piper reaches over and swipes up the baggie before entering the living space with some of Alex's luggage. Alex walks in behind her, yawning.
"Al, is there some in these bags?" Piper asks, about to open the duffle bag.
"Yeah, in the duffle, and the gray suitcase. They're kinda stuffed in my bras."
Piper side eyes Alex, who has a growing grin on her face for the first time in 3 months.
The withdrawal symptoms start sooner rather than later. Alex learns quickly that detoxing with Piper by her side is less painful than doing it on her own. Alex never leaves the floor of her mother's bathroom. She's vomiting into the toilet. She feels as if she's bleeding from every pore in her body. She's shaking and sobbing that she's so fucking cold. Piper wraps a blanket around her form, holding her close until Alex moves away to puke again. She stands up and paces around the bathroom, shaking her hands as if the very motion will cure the aching in her bones. Alex is yelling at Piper.
Fuck you, Piper. I trusted you. You hurt me. Why are you here? Why didn't you just leave me to die?
Piper soothes Alex's muffled sobs, holds her bear-tight. Doesn't let go for half an hour. Alex falls asleep with her face buried in Piper's neck. She tries to pick her up to take her to the bed, and succeeds. She lays her down, takes her clothes off. Puts Alex in her discarded oversized sweater and some leggings she found in her luggage. Wraps her up in multiple blankets. Plays a Beatles record and lays behind Alex, hooking an arm around her waist and curling her closer towards her. Alex turns around and buries herself into Piper's chest. Piper watches her for what seems like hours, absentmindedly twirling a piece of her hair between her fingers.