A/N Thank you for all your reviews and encouragement to finish this off. Probably another chapter to go on this one, will try not to have as a big a gap as before!

Domus

Chapter 2

"Was it difficult? Learning to trust each other?" Troi asked him.

Chakotay sighed as he looked out the window from the Counsellor's office. He had felt unsettled since their talk at the Fleeter's Bar. He had tried to join in the frivolity but with a concerned look from his friends and a knowing glance between B'Elanna and Kathryn that he didn't want to read too much into, he had left his friends, his sister and cousin to return to New Mexico where he remained for a few more days before returning to San Fransisco. He had contacted Deanna straight away to ask for an appointment. She had agreed immediately and he had felt relieved. He knew he needed help. This was their fourth session, they had discussed everything, his childhood, his time with Starfleet, the Maquis, his time in the Delta Quadrant. Yet still those feelings of unease remained.

"Surprisingly not. It may have been foolish, naive even, but I trusted Kathryn from the start and I think that she also trusted me. We had some hiccups at the beginning but the speed and ease with which they were resolved probably should have given me cause for concern."

"Why? If it was going so well, why should that have been a bad thing?"

"It was too easy. Only days before she was chasing me through the badlands trying to rescue her security officer and then snap, we were the command team?"

"Luck perhaps? That you were two command officers that complimented each other."

"Yes, there was probably a good dose of that."

"If you had met her, while you were still in Starfleet, before the Marquis, before the Cardassians, do you think you would have got on?"

Chakotay smiled, "We asked ourselves that once. We found out that we would have been at an event at the same time. I really don't know, so much about us is so different and yet so similar. I think…perhaps…" Chakotay shrugged, "Perhaps I would have been attracted to her. Her wit, her confidence, her compassion, her…beauty. But it would have surprised me as Kathryn was not the normal type that I thought I was attracted to."

"Not blonde enough?" Troi asked with a smirk.

"Probably not." Chakotay admitted ruefully.

"When you did meet her, was there an attraction there?"

Chakotay looked at his hands a small smile forming as remembered the petite Captain stepping front of him, "I was trying to kill Tom Paris at the time but she took me by surprise most definitely."

"Surprise only?"

Chakotay shook his head, "No," he admitted, "I was angry, Tom had betrayed us and I was still reeling from the news that Tuvok had so successfully fooled me. But she made me stop in my tracks. Her bravery, her concern for her crew. She was…authentic and stunningly beautiful. I am a man of instinct and something told me that I should trust her and follow her."

"Has that ever changed? All these years later?"

Chakotay shook his head, "She has disappointed me on occasion, I know I have disappointed her, she has frustrated me, confused me, angered me…"

"Hurt you?"

Chakotay looked up in surprise and paused before speaking again, quietly, "Never knowingly or at least, not on purpose."

Troi nodded in encouragement as Chakotay felt the weight of his words sink in.

"But in response to your question, no it hasn't changed. I would still follow her, I would still stand by her side, she is the best woman I have ever met and given that I know some wonderful women that comment is the best compliment I can pay her."

"Are you in love with her?" Tori asked quietly and Chakotay felt his insides clench. This was not a subject he had ever discussed in so much detail with anyone other than his spirit guide.

"There were barriers we never crossed." He said simply.

"I am not talking about physical barriers Chakotay. I am talking about love."

Chakotay stood and blew out a breath in frustration at himself and the subject. Being so affected after all this time, took him by surprise.

"I was in love with her." He admitted sadly, "I devoted my all to her, my priority was to make her burdens…lighter, to support her, guide her as best I could. I knew and accepted that while we were on Voyager it was highly unlikely that anything else could happen. I consoled myself with being her best friend and she was mine. Any attraction we might have felt settled down into a comforting friendship, an emotional intimacy."

"Did that sadden you?"

"It was what it was. There were times, moments where I knew all it would take would be a touch and any barriers between us would be removed but I respected her too much to ever push."

"You told me the other night that you were not sure you were her best friend anymore. When did that change?"

Chakotay walked over to the window that overlooked the City. San Francisco really was beautiful, he had forgotten how much."

"It was hard, the past few years. Kathryn and I faced many hard moments, moments I was scared I was losing her to the pressures of the Delta Quadrant, the burdens of command. I watched as she pushed herself to breaking point, as she fell in to the well of despair and tried to pick her up."

"It must have been wearing on you."

"It was. I knew that Kathryn needed me to be the best First Officer I could be. And I was. But I think it came at the price of our more intimate friendship. She cloaked herself in command and I removed myself from her, and I know that it hurt her as much as it hurt me."

"I imagine it must have been lonely for you both."

"It was. I needed more, I needed companionship, intimacy."

"Is that where Seven came in?"

Chakotay nodded in response, "Seven was so…innocent, so ready to need me, to love me. It was intoxicating."

"But it didn't last?"

"No. Outside of Voyager everything changed and I was ashamed to realise that I was using her. Using her to replace something I thought I had lost. I wanted to care for someone in the way that Kathryn never let me. Seven fitted the bill."

Troi looked at Chakotay thoughtfully and Chakotay thought that it was nearly as exposing as having the link with Riley. He knew that his emotions were open enough to Troi for her to read him quite clearly. He wanted her to. He wanted her to help him identify where the strange feelings he had experienced since stepping off Voyager had come from.

"Do you think the fact I have been so unsettled is down to any unresolved feelings I have for Kathryn?"

Troi shook her head, "No. You sound as if you have a great deal of self awareness when it comes to your feelings for Kathryn. As if you made peace with your relationship with her a long time ago, albeit I am sure that there are some regrets but you've become aware of them since before coming home I imagine."

Chakotay agreed, "I feel at peace with a lot of things, Kathryn, Starfleet, our time in the Delta Quadrant, the losses, the successes, the good times and the bad. I don't understand this feeling of unease."

Troi smiled encouragingly, "I think you are perhaps the most open-minded, self aware patient I have ever had Chakotay. But you have fallen in to the trap of thinking that everything is tied to your return to Earth. As if that one single point in time must be responsible."

"You don't think it is?"

"Not directly, a contributory factor maybe, but no. Do you think Chakotay that perhaps the problems you have had since coming back to the Alpha Quadrant is because it's the first time you have stopped since you were a boy?"

"What do you mean?"

"By your own admission you are a contrary. When you were a boy you fought your father and your heritage to reach for the stars, to abandon your way of life for something more, something your ancestors had long rejected. When you got to Starfleet you battled to be the best, you had great pressure as the ward of Sulu and you had to prove yourself in an unfamiliar environment, an unfamiliar culture."

"And I did, I became one of the youngest Commanders in the Fleet, I had great responsibility at the Academy."

"Yes. And then Cardassians came for your home and your family and you found yourself battling again, this time against the very organisation that had taken you away from your people."

Chakotay felt the light of understanding at what Troi was getting at.

"And then came the Delta Quadrant and the Caretaker. And you found yourself having to wear the uniform you swore you would never wear again. You found a new cause."

"Voyager." Chakotay said.

"And Kathryn Janeway the most Starfleet of Fleeters imaginable. "

Chakotay scrubbed his face with a hollow laugh, "Are you suggesting Counsellor that I find myself a new battle, there are only so many times a man can change sides."

Troi smiled back, "I dont think you are fickle Chakotay. Anything but in fact. There is no doubt your actions have been the result of circumstances rather than a conscious choice. But you have been at war in one way or another since you were a teenager and now…"

"There's no war."

"No. Now is the time Chakotay to find out what you want, to explore your interest and your passions. No more duty Chakotay, what do you want, who do you want to be?"

=/\=

The rain was hammering down and Chakotay thought ruefully that it was his contrary nature that would make him choose his future here on Earth instead of the tropical climate of Trebus. He had returned from his home planet only the day before after two months visiting with friends and family that had been thankfully left unharmed by the Cardassian raids on his home planet. It had been a peaceful time and given him opportunity to put a lot of ghosts to rests. There had been tears, anger but mostly love and compassion. He felt revitalised.

Troi had been right. He had needed to find out who he wanted to be, what he wanted to do and where he wanted to stay. And he had. As soon as he had returned to Earth he had contacted the Parises, B'Elanna had moaned at him for disappearing but he knew it was half hearted, that his old friend had understood his need to gather himself and his thoughts. He had missed them though, Miral was already growing fast and he knew he didn't want to miss much more of his favourite niece growing up.

Mike Ayala had been in touch early that morning, the Voyager grapevine working well on Earth, Chakotay had then made sure he sent messages to the Doctor, to Seven and Harry, realising that his absence had been missed and resolving to be a better friend to all of them.

There was one more call he had to make, one which made him more nervous than he ever should be. He took a deep breath and rang the chime. This was a call he didn't want to make via screen or text. It was one that had to be done in person.

"Chakotay."

Chakotay felt his stomach sink into his boots.

"Captain Ramirez."

Ramirez smiled his boyish smile and Chakotay nodded in return.

"I'm just on my way out, Kathryn is inside. Please go on in."

He might have imagined it but he was sure the Captain had winked at him as he brushed past him. Chakotay didn't know what to make of the fact that he obviously seemed at home at the Admiral's apartment. Comfortable enough to invite him in and it left Chakotay's new found confidence floundering in his wake.

"Sean I thought…Oh, Chakotay! What are you doing here?" Kathryn appeared from the living area, out of uniform, looking relaxed and comfortable and, thankfully, she seemed pleased to see him.

"Sorry Captain Ramirez let me in, he said just to come on through."

"Of course, come on in. Can I get you a coffee?"

"Please."

He followed her in to the living area and watched as she made her way to the replicator. The apartment was simply furnished but homely. It was strange to see Kathryn's personal effects somewhere other than her quarters on Voyager but he was pleased to see that she had made herself at home. He recalled his own apartment before he had left for Trebus and was startled to realise just how barren it was, as if he was expecting to just pick up his life and move on. He'd have to decorate.

"Penny for them?"

"Sorry?" Chakotay looked up startled to see Kathryn standing to his side with a steaming cup of coffee

Kathryn smiled at him and he realised just how much he had missed her.

"It is an old saying my mother always uses. You seemed miles away, anywhere nice?"

Chakotay smiled back, "I was just realising that I needed to decorate my apartment. It is lovely here Kathryn."

Kathryn looked around obviously pleased that he liked it, "It's Sean I have to thank, he forced me to decorate when I was feeling restless. And he has got a great eye."

Chakotay stamped down again on the now familiar feeling, he hadn't realised that Kathryn and the Captain were in a relationship. B'Elanna had not mentioned anything about it, nor Ayala or any of the Voyagers he had spoken to in the last few days.

"He certainly has." In more ways than one Chakotay thought with a wry smile as he accepted Kathryn's silent invitation to take a seat on the couch next to her.

"How was Trebus?" Kathryn asked, pulling her legs up under her resting one arm on the back of the sofa and turning her body towards Chakotay. She looked the picture of relaxation and contentment, how envious he felt of her, that everything had seemed to fall in to place for her so easily. It surprised him, he thought out of all them Kathryn would have had the most difficulty adjusting.

"It was fabulous, I was able to spend a lot of time with Sekaya, other family and lots of old friends. It gave me the chance to put a lot of old ghosts to rest."

Kathryn smiled and the arm that rested on the couch came to rub his shoulder briefly, "Good," she looked at him seriously, "I was worried about you before you went. You didn't seem…yourself."

"I'm sorry if I worried you, leaving like that." Chakotay said honestly. He hardly had time to speak to her before he booked his transport to Trebus and the lack of two way conversation while he was there had made any deep and meaningful discussion about his feelings, what he had discovered through his sessions with Counsellor Troi, very difficult.

Kathryn waved it away, "Not at all, I figured you would need some time. We all have to some extent. Acclimatising back to the Alpha Quadrant has not been simple."

"You seem to have done ok." Chakotay said with a laugh.

Kathryn looked away, "Yes. Well, have you thought anymore on what you want to do now?"

Chakotay knew a change of subject when he saw one and it left him puzzled, "Kathryn?"

Kathryn ignored him and carried on, "I know that the Academy is anxious to have you back and I have to say it would be nice to have you so close by."

"Kathryn." Chakotay stated more firmly, forcing Kathryn to look at him. He held her stare until the moment was broken by the cheep of the comm system. Kathryn gave him a kind look and went to answer it.

"Counsellor! To what do I owe the pleasure?"

Chakotay looked up to see the smiling face of Counsellor Troi.

"I just wanted to check that we were still ok for your appointment tomorrow?"

Chakotay raised his eyebrows in surprise. He didn't know that Deanna was treating Kathryn. He saw Kathryn glance at him before giving Troi a wry smile, "Of course Counsellor."

"And I wanted to check whether you were bringing the handsome Captain Ramirez to the wedding?"

Kathryn laughed, "I wont tell him you called him handsome Deanna, his ego being large enough as it is. But yes, he will be escorting me."

"Excellent. Ill see you tomorrow, I will have the coffee ice cream ready."

Kathryn shook her head as she signed off and turned back to Chakotay a knowing smile on her face. "I suppose you would have gathered by that conversation that I have been seeing Counsellor Troi."

"It's none of my business Kathryn but I thought you were assigned another counsellor by Starfleet?"

Kathryn nodded as she sat back down across from him reaching for her coffee, "I was. But it became apparent to those around me that I needed further….support shall we say."

Chakotay looked at her. He had no idea. "I thought everything was going really well. Getting home, your promotion, your family, your….friendships."

Kathryn smiled at him, "It was, but I had a lot of scars Chakotay, a lot of guilt and I had too much time on my hands to wallow in. However between my family, the Parises, Sean and others they staged what I can only describe as an intervention," She shook her head, "I had no idea Chakotay, really no idea what wonderful friends I had."

Chakotay was devastated, to think that Kathryn had been suffering. "I am so sorry Kathryn. I didn't know, I didn't…"

Kathryn held up a hand to him, "It was not something I wanted everyone to know, I wasn't even aware of it myself at first. There were those who I was spending a lot of time with who recognised the signs before I did."

Chakotay was frustrated with himself and rubbed his face, "I should have known, I should have been the one that noticed."

Kathryn shook her head, "I am not your responsibility Chakotay, you had enough to deal with as it was. There was no reason you should have known."

"I promised you. I promised….. and when you needed me where was I, wallowing in my own self obsession."

"Oh Chakotay," Kathryn smiled at him kindly, more kindly than he deserved, "You have the chance to make your own life now. No one knows more than me how much you sacrificed being the finest first officer I could ever have asked for. You should be concentrating on you, not worrying about your former boss."

"You are more than that Kathryn. I thought we were friends. Why didn't you confide in me?"

"I didn't confide in anyone Chakotay. Mike Ayala found me after a debriefing. I was hiding in a cupboard, rocking. Mike thought I was catatonic. He took me straight to the Doctor."

"Mike?" Chakotay asked.

Kathryn nodded, "He and my sister have been seeing each other and apparently B'Elanna had asked him to keep an eye on me that day. I had been spending a lot of time with them and unbeknown to me they were conspiring with my family and Sean to get me to seek further help. They didn't think I was dealing with everything very well, and they were right."

Chakotay hung his head, "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you." He couldn't believe he hadn't noticed. He had been so convinced that Kathryn was flourishing, she certainly seemed happy. Although it certainly explained the cryptic remarks Mike and others had made. Seven. Even Seven had noticed something wasn't right with her, he scrubbed his face and was surprised to feel a light touch on his hand. He dropped his hands to see Kathryn sitting in front of him on the coffee table with the kindest expression he had ever seen.

"Chakotay. Listen to me. We both needed to find our own way when we returned. You don't have any duty towards me anymore."

"I have a duty towards you as a friend don't I?"

"I think we lost our way in that department don't you think?" Although said gently Chakotay found Kathryn's words a harsh truth.

"Chakotay. I'm not a cause you have to swear your allegiance too anymore. You are relieved of that burden. I caused you enough stress over the years, you shouldn't have to worry about me."

He nodded and stared at Kathryn's hands, still caressing his. She was right, they had lost their way in the friendship department but the thought of losing it forever was too much. She had to understand.

"You are right, we've both probably needed time away from each other. To figure out who we are away from the Command Team. I think we've both been on a bit of a journey."

"I think we have." Kathryn smiled in agreement.

"But make no mistake Kathryn, I want us to have our friendship. Not because we have to, not because we've been thrown together but because your friendship has been the most important of my life."

He grasped her hand between his, so she understood the depth of his feeling, "I want to be there for you and I want you to be there for me."

He watched Kathryn's eyes fill with tears, "You have a problem Chakotay, I am sure. Most normal people would want to get as far away from me as possible after seven years as my first officer."

"Ive never been normal Kathryn, and neither have you."

"True. So," Kathryn leaned back, "How about dinner and you can tell me all about your trip to Trebus."

"Only if I get to cook."

"Very funny Captain."