"Koschei, you lied to me! You lied to me!"
I felt hot beads strolling down my cheeks and struggled for air, whimpering with a tear-choked voice.
The thud of Ms Reprics' cane hitting the floor in front of me echoed in the room and I fell silent.
"Though I know of your little disgusting relationship, Koschei shouldn't be of particular interest to you for now" hissed Ms Reprics and tabbed her cane on my knees. "Safe it for later when no one is forced to watch you two copulate."
"I didn't... please, Miss I didn't...I never wanted...!" I tried to protest but was silenced by the sound of the cane striking at the floor.
"Did I ask for your opinion?" asked Ms Reprics as her voice became quieter. I shook my head and hung it in shame. No matter what I said it could only become worse. Ms Reprics had been right; I couldn't defend myself. Neither had I been able to defend myself against Koschei invading both my body and mind nor was I now able to defend myself against the almighty librarian of the secret library.
I felt Ms Reprics burning glare at my body; her eyes seemed to focus on my swollen abdomen once or twice before I'd shield it from her glare by pressing my hands over my stomach.
"Theta-Sigma, you're a disgrace."
Ms Reprics placed the cane on my shoulder again, moving between my neck and my upper arm.
"And I know that you're lying for Koschei. I know that he took the book. It has been discovered in his room, and though I'm convinced that you know what I'm thinking of you... and how I'd like to cast out those unsavoury cravings and urges to which you've succumbed...You never would have been stupid enough to lose the first page of the book, the first page that would expose you as a thief. You would have kept it to yourself; you never would have let anybody catch a glimpse of it. You're an introvert, an ignorant introvert; you've never been the one who needs to gain recognition. I know you very well, my dear Theta-Sigma. You keep it all to yourself. It's been this way since your first day at the academy." Ms Reprics was still tense, though some of her strain seemed to escape her body in order to whirl through the air. Ms Reprics seemed appeased; it appeared as if she had managed to calm herself. She strode towards the window and tapped at the wooden casement frame.
"After all I've done for you" she whispered quietly with a gloomy undertone "I'd really set my hopes on you. I'd really hoped you would stop yearning for this teratism's attention..."
"I'm sorry, Miss" I replied quietly and pressed my hands against my lower abdomen. The bulge felt harder with every day and hurt nearly as much as my back. My back had been killing me back then; I hadn't slept in days due to the backache which must have been caused by this...
I didn't know what had happened to me.
And I didn't know when it had started.
And I had denied for several weeks that my lower abdomen felt different. I had simply blocked out that I had felt... something. Something that seemed to be movable, something palpable. Something inside of me that changed my whole body...
"Do you know what it is?"
I raised my head to find Ms Reprics staring at me from her current place in the dim light of the window. She must have noticed that I had unintentionally leaned forward while gasping for air after experiencing several aggravating contractions. Severe abdominal cramps had become as normal as constant sickness and my reluctance towards eating.
I felt horrible. I felt ill. Really ill.
And there were only three reasons for not talking to anyone; but those were serious motives.
Firstly I wouldn't know who I'd turn to.
Secondly I was too ashamed of my deformed body. I felt terrible whenever I was forced to look at it; and I wouldn't wonder if everybody else felt the same way about it.
And furthermore: Deep down I was really scared. I knew that something was wrong. And I figured that I didn't want to know how far reaching it was.
"Do you know what it is?" repeated Ms Reprics.
I took a deep breath and evaded her gaze.
"It's a tumour, Miss" I replied quietly and lifted my head a bit to catch a glimpse of her face; Ms Reprics remained unmoved and waited for me to continue "Or at least, I think so, Miss. I don't know, Miss."
"Please explain in detail the grounds for your assumption" stated Ms Reprics in a low voice. It was lacking the usual spiteful undertone and thus encouraging me to continue.
"My abdomen feels hard and swollen. It's definitely an abnormal growth of tissue and it seems to form a mass. It's slightly moveable, it's very well palpable. I've had misgivings that it could be caused by malignant neoplasm...and some cancers can cause build-up of fluid within the chest or abdomen, too..."
"And, may I ask, how did you come up with that? Where did you look up those symptoms?"
"I'm afraid I don't quite understand, Miss" I replied quietly and dug my nails into my thighs.
"How did you manage to detect and collate those symptoms?" Ms Reprics asked quietly.
"Dr. Neakahla's collected wisdom, Miss" I replied before covering my mouth with my hands again. Ms Reprics shook her head quietly. I continued nearly voiceless: "I read it, Miss. And I was the one who stole it."
Ms Reprics shook her head again and sighed.
Gosh, you're stupid Theta.
Koschei chuckled and raised his brows while staring at me. I retorted a death glare. But there was no stopping his voice in my head.
Ms Reprics thinks I am to blame. And you think you have to prove that black is white?
"Shut up, for God's sake!" I yelled at him and fought back the tears in my eyes "Won't you ever shut up?!"
You know, that Ms Reprics can't hear me. Don't defile yourself.
"I don't have to defile myself" I replied and swallowed, looking Koschei deeply in the eye "You already did."
Ms Reprics cane hit the floor in front of my knees. "Theta!" she yelled and narrowed her eyes on me. "I told you to keep your mouth shut when you're not ordered to speak!" She raised her cane and struck at my back. I winced in pain and bit my lower lip in order to keep me from screaming. Blood blazed a small trail down to my chin. I sobbed and wiped the tears out of my eyes.
"You used to be such a well behaved boy" hissed Ms Reprics between gritted teeth and looked down on me "Such a quiet and well behaved little boy."
"I'm sorry, Miss" I replied.
"And you know that you're a disgrace, don't you?" asked Ms Reprics.
I bit my lower lip again ant nodded. "Yes Miss."
"And you know that you're letting others down, you know that you're embarrassing others by your actions?"
"Yes Miss."
"And you think that others wouldn't notice?"
I owed her an explanation but didn't know what to reply.
"You think that others wouldn't notice when you're lying? You think that I don't know, Theta? You think I wouldn't know?"
Silence spread throughout the room.
Koschei stopped smiling.
Ms Reprics shook her head; her eyes reflected her disappointment.
"And when you're at your wit's end you fall silent. You're quiet. You're still."
I looked aside.
Koschei had stopped commenting and adding his two cents, physically as well as in my head. But I didn't wonder. He wouldn't try to understand things he didn't understand straightaway. And I was lost in thoughts he didn't bother to apprehend.
"Still waters run deep, you know. But they tend to run, don't they? And you did run, didn't you? Oh, Theta, don't be naive. Don't think that I don't know you. I know you. I know you too well. You've always been quiet. You've always kept quiet, Theta-Sigma. And I've thought you'd always keep quiet."
I snorted and breathed in deeply.
"I never thought I'd hear you raising your voice. And especially not against Koschei. But he did hurt you, didn't he? Otherwise you wouldn't have sounded so desperate."
I lifted my head and stared her in the face unintentionally.
Ms Reprics smiled and continued in order to make herself clear: "When your legs were resting on his shoulders; as you were still acting coyly even after spreading your legs for Koschei."
I blushed as tears filled my eyes again and looked down at the floor with a burning face.
"Oh, don't think that I didn't hear you. Both of you. How you refused to comply at first, Theta. Don't think I didn't hear you refusing Koschei; and then how you were pleading and begging him to stop. And finally your moaning and grunting, how both of you grunted full of relish..."
"Ms Reprics, I never meant to..." I tried to cut her off but Ms Reprics pressed the handle of her cane against my ribcage again; her eyes were alight as if flames would burst out of them any second now.
"You keep your little filthy mouth shut, you little bastard! I don't even want to know what services you've offered Koschei and what else you let yourself be used for. But believe me, Theta" she took a deep breath to vociferate those words "I don't want to know!"
I struggled for air and got to my feet again, staring at Ms Reprics with pleading eyes. "Ms Reprics I..." Her cane struck at my chest before Ms Reprics went on: "You never meant to be a disgrace, but look at you! You let yourself get used and abused by Koschei. You didn't even defend yourself against him. You couldn't! Because you enjoyed it! Because you couldn't get enough of him! You couldn't get enough of it!"
I stared at my feet; I felt a lump in my throat and swallowed hard.
"You couldn't stop letting yourself get tupped and humped by Koschei. You couldn't keep him from defiling you. And you couldn't keep yourself from savouring it."
Ms Reprics sure can't stop degrading Theta... and yet there's worse to come...
Hop you enjoyed it. (and thanks again to Mabudachi-trio and Lastsyns for the reviews)