The silence is never-ending.
After Alex kicked Piper out of the house, she can't stop pulling at her hair.
The silence is deadly.
But she can't stand to look at Piper right now. The woman she selflessly gave her all to, only to be thrown away at the worst possible moment. Alex doesn't think she will ever forgive Piper. Forgive her mom. Forgive herself. She's staring into the mirror, looking back at the lifeless being in front of her.
Tsk, tsk, tsk. Alex Vause, what have you become? Remember that tough, confident and bad-ass woman you once were? Where did she go? Is she outside on the porch with the wide eyed blonde she still fucking loves? Is she buried six-feet under the ground with the only best friend she has ever known? No, Alex. She isn't. She's inside of you. She's in your brain. In your blood. Running through your fucking viens. She's you. You're still you. Damaged beyond repair, but still Alex. Don't forget that.
Alex is stumbling to the front door, and looks out the window. She sees a small figure curled up on the bench, with the light of their phone illuminating their bright eyes. She opens the door a crack, and clears her throat, startling Piper. Piper looks up from her phone and stares into green eyes.
"Get in here. Ya look cold." Alex mumbles, while Piper still stares and fidgets with her hands.
"A-are you sure?"
"Yeah. We have a lot to work on, and if I just keep you on the porch, you might get eaten by wild dogs or raccoons and then we won't get to work on anything, and that's not fair."
This is how their new routines begin. It starts with poison spewing out of the other's teeth. A name that isn't their own being thrown at the other. Something is smashed. There's crying. There's pushing. There's Alex throwing Piper out of the house and letting her sit out there until she can breathe again.
One night is particularly bad.
Diane's birthday.
Alex wakes with the dawn. She looks at her phone, the date shining in her face and she throws her phone at the wall. She walks down into the kitchen, pours herself some Scotch and sits on the bar stool. She's three drinks in when she hears a noise from the living space and silently remembers Piper sleeping in there when she went to bed. She sees a peak of blonde from the doorway and Piper steps into the kitchen, rubbing her eyes and stretching her limbs. She breathes in and catches a faint smell of alcohol.
"You're kidding me, Alex. Drinking at 6AM? What the fuck has gotten into you?" Piper scoffs and goes to get a glass out of the cupboard.
"It's the 25th." Piper freezes. She slowly turns around, chewing on her lip.
"June 25th?" Alex nods her head and takes a gulp of the strong substance.
Piper slowly walks towards Alex and puts a hand on her shoulder.
"Don't, Piper." She takes her hand away and pours herself some coffee, mixing in sugar while Alex looks down. "I don't know how the fuck you did it. How you could just..leave, how you could just throw away 6 years of us, six years of LOVE, and just go on and live as if we didn't mean that much to you, and then come back and think we could push through the bad, and ignore all of the problems just to hold all of that love that we had. Fuck, I need Diane. She's who I would've turned to. She could've helped me through it. I wouldn't have coped in the ways that I did. But I can't depend on her anymore. I can't depend on anyone. Or anything. Piper, we're adults. We can't just ignore all of our shitty fucking problems and go back to how we were. You fucked me up, Piper. I don't know how I can trust you, or anybody for that matter. I don't know how to be confident. I don't know what to do with my life anymore. It wasn't only you though..I fucked myself up too. And now... well now we have to get all of our shit out on the table. Now, we have to see if we could ever fix whatever the hell we are." Alex gestures to them and gets up to pour some water.
"I left because our relationship was unhealthy. On both of our parts. I was so dependent on you, Alex. You were one piece that made me whole, and that's how I learned to live and that's another reason why I left. I have to learn to be whole without you. I have to complete myself. The truth of the matter is, Alex, that the way we were going, our end was nothing short of inevitable. You had me carry that bag, but that's not the worst thing. The worst thing is I would've done it again. Or more. Worse. Because my love for you had wings like a dragonfly. I would've done anything for you because you were everything I could've ever wanted in my life." Piper shifted on her feet and fidgeted with her cup.
"I don't know if I can trust you. You were the first woman I have ever fell that hard for. And you leaving was bad for me. Really bad. I don't know if I can handle that again."
Piper leans over the counter and strokes Alex's face lightly. "I'm going to make it up to you."
/
Alex's POV
/
I just want to feel like my life is worth something. That it is meaningful. I had everything. I was someone. I had money, I had friends, I had a beautiful girlfriend, I had my beautiful mom. Everything becomes before and after when everything falls apart. One thing I was never keen on doing was dwelling on the past. That shit is called the past for a reason. But god, I can't stop thinking about what would've happened if my life didn't come to a halt that day.
Piper went to work, so I decided to go shopping since I haven't left my house in god knows how long. I got to the store and started to shop. I got some fruits and vegetables, some snacks, two cases of water, coffee, and some things I needed for the house since I was going to stay at mom's until I can get my shit sorted.
I stopped at the gas station and bought a pack of cigarettes. Another addiction? Psh, I just need some type of distraction from going back to H.
I get everything put away and settled into the house, it's so quiet. Why is it so fucking quiet? I play one of my mom's records and start to make a smoothie that I found out about on the internet. It's supposed to 'cleanse' my body or some shit like that. I head noises by the front door. Which is fucking strange because I never hear any noises, ever. I grab a frying pan and tiptoe my way towards the front door where the knob is moving and the door is opening. Right when I'm about to smack a bitch down, I see a peak of blonde and realize all too quickly that it's Piper.
"Jesus FUCK Piper how the fuck do you keep opening that door? This is the third time you magically unlock it and walk on in! What, did you study to become some fucking wizard after you left? God." I yell at her and put the frying pan back and groan loudly. I'm quite good at the dramatics.
"You do know that I have a key, right? I'm not Harry Potter, and why the hell were you going to hit a supposed intruder with a frying pan? You really need to get outside more. You're watching too many movies. It's kinda sad." Piper says with her eyebrow raised and giggling inbetween sentences. It actually didn't cross my mind that she had a key.
I finish making my smoothie and take my first drink and wince. This is awful. Is it supposed to be awful? Did I make it wrong? Maybe I should give it to Piper.
"Do you want this smoothie?" I ask her while flashing my puppy dog eyes and pout.
"What did you do to it?" She looks at me and then at the drink, hesitating.
"I made it with love...and it's supposed to cleanse the soul! Not my soul, but maybe yours."
Piper takes the drink and smells it and takes a sip. She nods her head and drinks some more.
"Not bad, Vause. It's pretty good."
Is she serious, right now? I don't know what's wrong with her, and I give up trying to figure it out.
/
Piper finds her journal in the midst of Alex's pile of things. It's got corners folded, she assumes so that Alex can go back and look at the particular page. She wonders if she still reads it. She opens it up to the next clean page and starts to write.
/
"I want to take back every single thing I said that hurt you. I would carve them in ink on my skin and wear the tattoo so the words would scar me instead of you.
I want to reverse time and hold myself back from the teary phone calls and self-destruction. I want to let you sleep through 2AM rather than having you stay up talking me down yet again.
I want to unbreak all the plates I threw in blind furies I couldn't explain. I want to sew back together all the stories I burned when I decided to turn my back on the world. I want to give you the poems I tore up when nothing I did was good enough.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I know you hold none of this against me, that you think I am more gentle than messy. But I remember everything, every stupid thing I said and every moment that I ruined. I have put a stain on us, on every otherwise-beautiful bit
and I regret making you put up with it."
Note: Hello, hello! I hope you all are still interested in this story. I'm sorry it's been so long, it took me awhile to get inspired. But I am back, and I'm ready to get this story back on track.
I'm also working on another story, Is there somewhere you can meet me?, based on AU's and self-made prompts, I'm trying to challenge myself.
I hope you're all having a great day. School is starting back up for me this Thursday, but I will always make time for these two stories, they are my children.