"You enjoyed getting raped by Koschei! Don't deny that you enjoyed it!"
I don't remember what happened after Ms Reprics had said those words.
And it was probably nothing that happened.
I didn't do anything, I guess. I was immobile and numb.
I felt hollow.
The same words kept splashing around in my mind, the same thoughts over and over again.
I wish I were dead.
I wish I were dead.
I wish I were dead.
Koschei popped his head to one side and stared at me pitiful.
That's a terrible thing to say, Theta. I guess you shouldn't even be thinking those thoughts.
I ignored his voice in my head and let the tears find their trail down my cheeks.
"Ms Reprics, please..." I pleaded and stared at my feet.
"Not another word!" she interrupted me, causing me to close my eyes unintentionally "Speak when you're spoken to!" In a lower voice she added: "I don't want to hear another word from you, Theta!"
I nodded silently.
Ms Reprics grabbed the sheets of paper again and searched through them, commenting with small words only their content. I stood there, pale and lifeless.
I couldn't stop thinking the same things over and over.
I wish I were dead. I wish Koschei had suffocated me the night he had pushed my head into my pillow. I should have slipped off the roof the night I had sat there with Koschei. I should have been killed by a falling tree. I should have died long ago.
I should have been dead.
I should have died.
I shouldn't be forced to keep on living.
I sobbed.
"You poor sweet innocent thing, dry your eyes."
Ms Reprics hadn't raised her head and my sobbing wouldn't keep her from searching through her documents. The pain in my chest, provoked by her cruel remark, was worse than getting hit by her cane.
Ms Reprics was too redoubtable to be real. She simply was too heartless to be alive.
"Yes Miss" I replied finally and wiped the tears off my cheeks.
Ms Reprics took a deep breath and eyed me up sighing. She shook her head after catching a glimpse of the small, irritated and miserably creature her words had turned me into.
"Theta-Sigma will you keep claiming that you stole the book from the secret library, that no one but you usurped the forbidden script of Dr. Neakahla and will you swear that no-one apart from you dared to claim it to yourself?"
I sniffed quietly with wide open eyes and replied in a mere whisper: "I never wanted him to invade my body... I never wanted him to come near me... I never... I never wanted him..."
Ms Reprics sighed and let her cane thud the floor short-tempered.
"Do you insist on having stolen the book, Theta?!" Ms Reprics repeated impatiently. I nodded quietly. "But I never meant to... I never wanted to let him come between my legs... I never wanted... I..."
"Then you shall receive your justified punishment." Ms Reprics pushed the cane in my ribcage before turning towards Koschei.
"What do you have to confess?" she asked in a low voice and cocked an eyebrow at him.
Koschei popped his head to one side as if listening to an inner voice. His jaw dropped a bit. "Nothing" he replied with an earnest madness "I did nothing which hadn't come to your knowledge."
"So you read the book as well, I suppose" concluded Ms Reprics.
"If it's a sin to read a book at night on the roof of the academy then you shall call me a sinner" replied Koschei and chuckled, with his head still popped to one side.
"There aren't words in our beautiful language to describe a spoiled little rotten eyesore like you" countered Ms Reprics and raised her cane in order to strike out at Koschei.
He chuckled quietly before adding: "Nonetheless you've found quite a lot of them just now."
"Koschei, you shall be punished for your constant misbehaving and violation of the rules" explained Ms Reprics resolutely before turning to me "and you, Theta, you shall be punished for lying on behalf of a friend. I advise you to choose your friends more carefully. And that you think twice the next time you're going to protect someone from their nemesis."
Ms Reprics straightened up a bit.
"Your punishment shall be twenty cane strokes. You can sort out the quota yourself, I don't care about it. In my eyes both of you are equally guilty. You can either distribute per capita or individually; suit yourself."
I shrugged and hung my head in shame. Koschei smiled. None of us made a decision; therefore Ms Reprics chose in lieu of us.
"So be it. Ten cane strokes – each of you. I'd prefer five on the back and five to the front, if you don't mind; this way you won't be able to have a good night's rest on either your back or your stomach."
She turned her head and looked in my direction, narrowing her eyes once more on me: "And to you, Theta-Sigma: you should definitely rethink your decisions. You should really think about it if it was worth getting punished for lying on behalf of Koschei. I know that he stole the book but if you prefer to be penalised... Each to their own."
Ms Reprics grabbed Koschei shoulder and pushed him down on his knees. "Who wants to be first? Or would you prefer it in turns?" She squatted down beside us and looked back and forth between me and Koschei. I pushed my fingers with intensifying pressure against my lower abdomen and wouldn't dare to raise my head. "Do you want to face each other? How about you, Theta? Do you want to look Koschei in the eye? Do you want to be reminded whom you're doing this for while you're being punished?"
I remained motionless and bit my lower lip again.
"Oh, so silent" mumbled Ms Reprics while getting back to her feet again "so quiet and meek. Now he's silent. And you wouldn't think that he can be screaming, that he can be moaning with pleasure and begging his mating partner for more..."
I sobbed quietly and dug my nails through the fabric into my skin.
She's hurting you. And she knows that she's hurting you, otherwise she wouldn't be saying it, Theta.
I lifted my head a bit and nodded towards Koschei who popped his head to one side again to face Ms Reprics and looked askance at her.
"Let's get it over with" Koschei smirked all of a sudden and disturbed Ms Reprics to such as an extent that she hit him with her cane unintended.
She shook her head and mumbled quiet maledictions I probably wouldn't have understood at that young age.
Ms Reprics had decided on giving me the cane first and struck at my front, causing me to yelp in pain and collapse onto the ground. I whimpered and sobbed and wouldn't remove my hands from my injured and hurting stomach, not even after Ms Reprics had ordered me to and had given me several strokes on the hands. After realising her incapability after striking with increasing force at my fingers while I wouldn't comply but only shield my injured body with cramping fingers from her attempts to hurt me she had to come to the conclusion that she wouldn't be able to keep me from covering my abdomen. Without giving it much thought Ms Reprics started kicking at my body, buried her foot in my chest and thereby managed to roll me onto my stomach. She distributed the remaining five cane strokes while my body twitched uncontrollably and I tried to cower away hopelessly.
After having received my punishment I was allowed to get back to my feet. I wouldn't move, however. My lower abdomen hurt. I wasn't even able to have clear thoughts anymore.
It hurt. My abdomen hurt and burnt.
I closed my eyes and flinched while touching the burning skin through my garment. Tears welled up in my eyes again.
Koschei put up with the cane strokes quietly. Ms Reprics stroked at him until she would hear cracking noises from his rib cage and seemed to be disappointed that Koschei didn't even flinch. I opened my eyes slowly and stared in his still grinning, mad face. As if he didn't feel any pain. As if he wouldn't feel anything.
You got that wrong, Theta. I don't feel anything.
You're still in my head, Koschei?, I thought weak and sat up at the cost of huge efforts.
I feel nothing, Theta. Nothing is always around me. The void won't ever leave me.
Koschei you're not making any sense.
There is always nothing. Nothing's around me. And it won't ever change.
Ms Reprics ordered both of us to stand up and I was surprised to find Koschei reaching for my hand as I struggled to get to my feet again. Ms Reprics' cane whizzed through the air in order to separate our entwined fingers again, but Koschei didn't even wince as he felt the burning pain at his wrist; if he felt anything.
I had always wondered if Koschei had ever experienced pain or if the void would shield him from it, if he was endangered of getting injured or harmed. Either way, I had envied him. And I guess I never stopped envying him for his analgesia.
"You've received your punishment" explained Ms Reprics and let her cane thud on the floor "For now. I will inform the headmaster myself concerning the theft and the cover-up committed by you."
To my surprise Ms Reprics handed my Dr. Neakahla's script, with the first page that Koschei had lost still missing from it.
"You think you're so clever" mumbled Ms Reprics and narrowed her eyes on me again "you're mistaking Dr. Neakahla for a real physician. I'm aware that you know that he's been a surgeon. And I assumed that you'd think that you know everything that you need to know in order to become a physician yourself now."
"I never wanted to be a doctor" I replied quietly only to hear Ms Reprics' cane thudding the floor.
"Well, you can prove yourself now. You can keep the book and I'll submit an application and thereby request the headmaster's approval for further punishment; if you're sure that Dr. Neakahla was a competent surgeon you can prove it by cutting out that tumour from your lower abdomen yourself." I froze in shock and she turned her head towards Koschei: "Of course he can assist you. You're both equally guilty."
Ms Reprics faced my again by pulling my head up so that I'd be forced to meet her glare.
"Did you get that, Theta? I want you to experience it on your own flesh; I want you to learn it the hard way; I want you to know what it means to make the wrong decisions. I want you to regret lying for Koschei."
I nodded quietly and Ms Reprics released her grip and wiped her fingers on her dress. Then she lowered herself onto her chair and started smudging on an empty sheet. I held Dr. Neakahla's script with twitching fingers and felt tears welling up in my eyes as soon as I'd come to the realisation that I'd probably need its help more than anything else in my life soon.
I've always wanted to be inside of you Theta. And I wouldn't mind if I could feel your warm intestines with my fingers.
I turned towards Koschei and slapped him in the face.
"You're disgusting!" I yelled with a tear-choked voice and started crying again.
Ms Reprics raised her head and handed Koschei a folded paper.
"Deliver it to the headmaster as soon as possible" she commanded quietly "and now get out of here!"