It was like looking at people I didn't even know. They were talking to me, and they were smiling at me, but I didn't recognize them. I think I was experiencing that however, because I didn't recognize myself. I could look in the mirror, hear my voice or run my fingers through my hair, but I had no idea who this guy was. Which for some reason, made me really angry. I was irritable, and I found silence, and being alone, a lot easier than being social. Sometimes I couldn't get that chance to be anti-social. Sometimes because of the people who were constantly worrying about me, would not let me out of their sights. I'm not sure if since I got out of the hospital a week ago anyone has noticed my drastic behavioral changes, but I have changed. Besides the not talking, as often as I used to anyway, and not wanting to be around anyone, I haven't eaten a solid meal, I don't have the energy to change into clothes, besides sweats and plain t shirts, and more importantly to me, I am not happy. Nothing that used to make me happy and smile, is doing the exact opposite. One of those things that seem to be a trigger in my head, has been James. And I'm not even upset by that which in itself, is frustrating.
James has been great and wonderful and sweet, giving me space, and my own freedom to deal with things in my own time, but it is for that exact reason he is frustrating me, and making me upset. I want him to grab me by my face, look me dead in the eyes and as me to talk to him. Ask me to tell him how I'm feeling, and how I'm doing. Honestly. I believe it would help me. To know he's there, that he wants to help, would help me. But he's not doing it. He's practically pushing me away. And the more time we spend with Kendall and Carlos that idea, that he is pushing me away, becomes more evident. Him and Kendall are always going off together and giving each other odd looks…sharing secrets. Like now, at the dinner table. Kendall and James are talking about some football game that they just watched and are laughing and joking about it. Neither of them have said a word to me, or asked me if I was feeling okay, because I haven't even picked up my fork. I haven't even looked at my plate full of food Carlos made, I just sat next to James, hugging around my legs and stared off into space. I caught myself looking at the blank wall behind Carlos's head, because he was right across from me, and when I looked away from the wall I saw him staring at me. He looked genuinely worried, but just like the other two, especially James, he wouldn't say anything to me. It was like they were afraid to talk to me. TO look at me. Come near me. I mean Jesus…I get it. I'm pathetic and gross but you don't have to shove it in my face. "Are you not hungry Logan?" I continued staring at Carlos noticing as soon as he spoke James and Kendall stopped talking. He swallowed hard, glanced down at my full plate in front of me and smile small. "I can take your plate back in the kitchen if you…"
"I'm fine Los." I gave a friendly small, which was genuine and he looked down quick setting his fork down, cheeks turning red. I heard Kendall sigh beside Carlos and even saw him put his arm around his shoulders, but I did not turn to look at Kendall. Every time we looked at each other, all I felt was judgment.
"So we were talking earlier about going to the beach tomorrow. It's supposed to be cloudy and overcast but it could be fun." I turned my head completely away from the three people around me and looked out at Kendall and Carlos's huge living room, which was being used as a bedroom for James and I. I trust my best friends but I'm not comfortable being a closed room, just yet.
"Yeah…sounds good. Loges?" I shrugged softly and laid my head on my knee looking at the couch that James and I slept on last night, and wished I could crawl on it right now and sleep the rest of the night away. James hand rubbed gently on my back making me grit my teeth so I didn't scream out in pain.
"You know I think you should be eating something Logan." I stayed motionless and quiet knowing if I looked at Kendall, or if I opened my mouth, I would start tearing Kendall apart. I didn't have the energy for that right now. "You're worrying us Logan. You're dropping a lot of weight." I closed my eyes still staying quiet and kept myself calmed down.
"Logan…I don't like…I don't like seeing you like this Logan. I'm worried about you." Hearing it form Kendall was irritating. Hearing it from Carlos was heartbreaking. I quickly got off my chair and walked ot the bathroom downstairs fast, hoping no one followed. I got myself in the bathroom, shut and locked the door all before I slid against it, falling onto the floor, crying. This wasn't a new thing for me. For the week I've been here, the bathroom and the shower more specifically were the best places for me to be alone. And whenever I was in here, I would usually cry until I felt better. Now was no exception.
I hated myself. I hated this guy I had turned into. I was thinking one thing, and doing the other. I feared the three people who were trying to help me, were only doing it out of pity, while wishing and hoping one of them would grab me, hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay. I wanted to open up and talk about my heartache and pain, but I didn't want anyone to look at me, or treat me any differently. I was smiling and feeling happy at one moment, while the next, I heard one sound, or see one thing, and I'm running away to the bathroom to cry for a solid hour. I wasn't okay. I was healing, physically, but the thought of Louis, what he did to me, what he still could do to me, was always haunting my head and a few words he always told me were the absolute death of me. I am disgusting. No one would ever love me again. I am nothing more than a grain of sand, and no one wants me. He was constantly telling em these things while he forced himself inside me. It was three days. Three long, horrible days. That was all it took to break em down. The beatings and the rape were a contributing factor, but it were those words that were the hardest things to get over. If you hear something enough, you start to believe it. And for someone like me, who over thinks every little detail of his life, hearing those words tend to cut right down to the core. James giving me my space and time to heal didn't help. Did he think I was disgusting? Did he want someone better? Was I waste of breath? Life? Is that why he was pushing em away? Or…was he even pushing em away and I was just making up excuses for my shitty mood and behavior? Did I have a good reason to act like a dick? Or should I just put on my big boy pants and move on?
My crying session lasted shorter than usual. I got myself up, washed my face off, and braced myself for any argument that might in sue once I stepped back out to my family. I had to take all the words they were going to tell me, and be okay with it, because I honestly believe they want to help me, and want me better. I think anyway. Except when I walked out into the dining room, it was empty. The only thing that was in the dining room, was my plate of full food on the table. I swallowed hard and walked to it. Dinner tonight was burgers grilled by Kendall and fries and a fruit salad made my Carlos. As I picked up my plate I grabbed a fry and chewed on it as I walked into the kitchen. I stopped right by Carlos, who was by himself in front of the sink doing dishes. I turned to him leaning against the counter top finishing my fry and felt a heavy rain cloud go over my heart seeing the tears fresh on his cheeks. "I'm sorry Carlos."
"You shouldn't be." I looked down fast and hugged around my body swallowing my fry. "You have done nothing to apologize for."
"I'm making you cry."
"Yeah…because you aren't yourself Logan. I miss you." He wiped his cheek on his shoulder as he put a plate in the sink. He spotted my plate and while I looked up, we locked eyes. "I left your plat eon the table because you have to eat."
"I don't have to eat. I'm not sick or anything. I just wasn't hungry tonight."
"Or last night, or yesterday morning, or the day before that." I swallowed hard holding my broken ribs gently and picked up my breathing. "I cannot take this anymore Logan. We are walking around on egg shells around you for your benefit. The least you can do is tell us when you're feeling sad, or angry, or happy. No one in this house is going to be happy until you are."
"Carlos I am never happy." He slouched a bit and I quickly wiped at my face bowing my head down. "You don't know what thoughts run through my head and you don't see the world as I see it. I use to see the world in color, and now it is all black and white. I can never be happy again." He turned quick to the sink and turned off the water throwing the sponge into the half full sink, angrily. I cautiously reached out, touching his shoulder and he jerked away slamming the dishwasher closed. I jumped back and dropped my mouth open watching him. He turned to me, now full on crying and shook his head.
"Then I'm not going to waste anymore of my time or energy. You don't want help, because the world is so fucking glum and bad, then why should I try? Why should James try?"
"James has been trying? That's news to me." I swear I saw his jaw twitch as he wiped his face and walked out of the kitchen, leaving me alone. I turned and watched him all the way to the sliding glass door. I then noticed James and Kendall sitting on the table out there with a beer in front of each of them. I pushed off the counter and followed out after Carlos grabbing James's sweater on the back of the couch on my way. I gently pushed the door open and looked to James, who was watching me closely. I ignored Carlos out on the huge lawn, close to the edge of their backyard looking down at Beverly Hills knowing he probably said something to them about our talk, or they at least knew he was crying. When I stepped out onto the porch I walked slowly to James pulling his sweater over my head and too the seat next to him.
"Everything okay?" James hand went on my knee and he squeezed gently. I smiled small and nodded looking up at his beautiful face.
"So why is he so upset?" I turned to Kendall and shrugged swiftly playing with my hands in the big pocket in the front of the sweater. "Oh…so you were just in the house with him, by yourselves, and you don't know what's wrong with him?"
"Kendall…" Kendall and James turned to each other and while James gave him a warning look Kendall chuckled and pushed himself up in his seat.
"Yeah…sorry. Why don't I go find out myself and when we come back we'll play some cards or something." I looked up at James who nodded and smiled at Kendall, bit when Kendall had his back to us, James's smile fell and he grabbed his beer, drinking at least half of it. I waited until he set his beer bottle back on the table, before even thinking of what to say but he already had an idea.
"Logan…is it easy to talk to me about what you're going through?" I swallowed hard looking down a this hand still on my knee and softly shook my head. "Why?" I shrugged fast and he sighed squeezing my leg. "Okay...then I'm going to ask you to do something for me." I closed my eyes hard and knew exactly where this was going. "I want you to talk to someone…a doctor, or a therapist. Someone who can maybe help you work something's out, help you open up to me. Unless…we can actually talk about your fears and thoughts right now. If you feel comfortable opening up to me, then I'm all ears." I shook my head quickly having a fear if I spoke to him about my thoughts, he would just say I am worthless and he doesn't want me. SO maybe having a professional help me with that would be better. "Okay...we'll find someone tomorrow. In the meantime, don't worry about Kendall and Carlos. Worry about yourself. Nothing else."