Koschei had left the room and the voice in my head had faded likewise.
I gasped for air while sobbing and arose quietly, expecting that Ms Reprics would order me to leave as well in the near future.
No. I HOPED that she'd let me leave. I hoped that she'd let me escape.
Ms Reprics stared me in the face, her opaque grey eyes glistening with excitement; she looked me over quietly and rather earnestly.
"Listen, Theta..." Ms Reprics had placed her hands on my shoulders and moved over to her writing desk with me "...I know what it is. I know it. And you'll be in serious trouble if anybody else finds out. I mean it. You're not allowed to attend the academy when you're... deformed like this. Just keep your mouth shut, as always, and keep away from Koschei. Don't speak about it; don't touch it."
I nodded quietly and stared her with frightful eyes.
"So it is severe" I mumbled worriedly, eyes still wide open.
Ms Reprics nodded barely noticeable. "You've had it if anyone comes to notice. So keep your mouth shut. And your legs likewise."
I don't know if she'd actually said that. Maybe she had only repeated "Keep your mouth shut". I can't remember.
And I hadn't even been paying attention; I had been too disturbed. I was scared to death.
"Is it lethal?" I blurted out nervously and nearly cut her off. "Am I contagious?"
"I hope not" was Ms Reprics answer and she was about to continue when I bursted out:
"Will it kill me?"
"Only if you let it kill you" replied Ms Reprics a bit unnerved and added authoritatively "Mark my words, Theta-Sigma: Don't tell anybody about it. Shield yourself from other's views. Don't touch it. Don't feel it. And it will be over in a few months... well, weeks, if you're lucky."
I nodded my ascent and took a deep breath.
Ms Reprics had ordered me to leave her bureau, but I stopped in the doorframe before opening the door.
"Can't I get rid of it?" I asked panic-fuelled and my frightened voice unsettled Ms Reprics; she turned her head around and noticed the scared look on my face. "It's a tumour, isn't it? Why do I have to keep it inside of me? Can't I just cut it out? It can't just vanish, can it?"
Ms Reprics eyes opened slowly and she seemed strangely enlightened.
"No, of course not" she mumbled lost in thought "I'm afraid it would be rather inadequate to advise you to cut it out." She placed her hands on my shoulders once more. "All the blood... the gashes and the gaping wounds..."
"So I can't do anything?" I asked irritated and fought back the tears one more time.
"Oh, you could... really, you could..." explained Ms Reprics quietly, a small fire sparking off in her eyes "You've heard about old traditions before, haven't you? Old believes, estimations and rites...Do you know what people used to do with a ganglion cyst they had discovered on their bodies?"
Ms Reprics took a step forward to meet my scared gaze.
"They hit it. They hit it with a large book. And sooner or later it would vanish."
Ms Reprics moved closer once more. "Are you a believer, Theta? Do you believe in old traditions and ancient customs?"
I didn't dare to reply; neither did I dare to show a reaction of any sort.
"Hit it and it will disappear" she chuckled quietly.
"Or let Koschei hit it. He doesn't hesitate to hurt you, does he?" concluded Ms Reprics while hustling me over the door sill.
"Just keep hitting it and it will disappear."
Anything you hit will disappear. Sooner or later. In the end it's gone. Either if it's a living being or just something that annoys you. In the end it's gone, it's all gone.
I never wasted a thought on Ms Reprics words ever again.
I tried to deny the fact that I've ever been in her library. I tried to convince myself that I hadn't even been trespassing it in order to steal the book.
Ms Reprics application concerning the surgery I would have been forced to perform on myself had been considered but rejected. The headmaster and other councillors had unanimously agreed that being cut open by Koschei was equivalent to executing the death warrant on somebody. Or worse.
Ms Reprics never asked me for the book again. And I wouldn't speak to her on my own accord ever again.
Therefore I kept it. And I guess I have it still in my possession.
The Doctor opened his eyes. "No, Theta. I've given it to Dr. Malohkeh. He was in dire need of it."
The Doctor looked around to find himself still lying in his bed. He seemed to be alone. No Martha had been shouting his name so far or bugged him with questions concerning how he'd felt.
He tried to sit up.
Oh no, you don't!
The Doctor felt his muscles twitching and wasn't able to move.
"Theta, what are you doing?" he asked the voice inside his head.
You're not getting away like this. You're sick. You're staying. And you won't be able to get to your dear companion before it's too late.
"Too late for what?" hissed the Doctor between gritted teeth before struggling for control over his body.
Before you're back in my memories.
"Theta, stop that nonsense! You can't win! Theta! Theta!"
Go back to sleep 'Doctor'. You're tired. Can't you feel it, 'Doctor'? You need rest. Lots of rest.
"Theta!" the Doctor managed to sit up but became unbalanced soon and fell out of his bed, his head hitting the floor as everything around him turned dark.
Lots of rest, 'Doctor'. Eternal rest.
Theta, you can't get away with this. You're dead.
I'll just try. What would you do, 'Doctor'? Wouldn't you give it a try?
I know my place.
You never did, 'Doctor'. And by the way: Why didn't you keep my name? I'm still not very comfortable with your name. Calling you 'Doctor'... I never wanted to be a doctor. Actually you're no real doctor, either, am I right?
The Doctor couldn't think straight anymore while Theta managed to meld their minds.
You would have given it a try, wouldn't you, 'Doctor'? Wouldn't you?
Trying meant failure.
And I was a failure. So I tried as often as I could.
Maybe the phrase 'It's worth a try' has been used too frequently in my childhood. Or it was in my nature. Running and trying. Trying and running. Or trying to run.
And I ran. I always ran. By the time I'd turned seventeen I ran from everything. Even from Koschei. I guess my father would have been proud of me if he'd known it.
I had finally run away from Koschei. He'd entered my room and had tried to nail me down on my bed; he'd tried to hump me, as always. And I had pushed him off and had run away.
Well, I had been forced to flee by using the window and I had escaped over the roof. But I had run away. I had run away from the trouble, from my weak spot, from my threat: Koschei.
If only it hadn't been too late...