"For just a minute I want you to close your eyes and picture a beach. When you see that beach I want you to hear a seagull and smell the salt from the sea. Can you do that for me?" I blinked a few times before breathing out softly and closing my eyes. The first image that came to my head was seeing Logan, on a stretcher, bruised, bloody and scared looking. I quickly shook the image out of my head and imagined a beach, one that I used to go to in Florida with my parents. There was a small pier that had a few gift shops, cafés and a gas station. It was a tiny beach that mostly only families went to. I remember a few times watching the people on the beach, and being so young I wasn't sure who I found attractive at the time. I knew the girls were pretty but I caught myself staring at some of the boys. I was only 12 years old and this beach, was one of the first places that helped me realize who I was, and what I was going to become. "What color is the sky James?" I licked my lips softly and slowly and imagined sitting on that beach, looking up at the sky. Except it wasn't like any normal day I spent at this beach with my folks.. It was overcast, cold and rainy.
"It's grey. It's raining."
"Are you alone?" I nodded softly and loosened up a bit, lying back in my seat. I gently crossed one foot over the other and folded my hand son my stomach. "Call Logan to come to the beach with you." I smiled gently seeing his face form this morning, waking him up so we could go to our first therapy session. He looked so cute, hair a mess and eyes half open. He pushed into me and let me walk him to the bathroom so we could take a shower. I thought he would want to take one by himself, but he surprised me when he pulled me in the shower and hugged tight around me putting us both under the water. "Is he with you now James?"
"No…I didn't call for him."
"Why?" I chuckled and shrugged my shoulders smiling small.
"Well because I know Logan. He isn't a fan of public swimming."
"You don't have to swim. Just call him over to sit with you." I looked at myself in my head and turned my head to the left. I heard Logan's name slip past my lips and moments later he appeared, walking towards me. I was pleasantly surprised to see him in a pair of swim trunks, all black, hanging dangerously low on his hips. His skin and body were free of cuts and bruises. He had a cute little smile on his face, and a hint of lust in his eyes. When he sat down next to me, he raised my left arm and curled his body into mine letting em hug around his shoulders. "Is he with you now?" I nodded again, still smiling. "Good…is he happy? Does he look happy to be with you?" I nodded and saw a bird fly in front of us, making Logan clutch onto me tighter, and giggle at the squawk of the bird. "Is there anything you want to tell him? It can be anything really, something that has upset you, made you smile, made you cry…this is the time to tell him. Tell him any and everything you want. He wants to hear it, especially from you."
"He won't understand." Logan's body gently pushed away from mine, and he looked up at my face. He frowned just as a clap of thunder boomed over us and lighting struck. The rain was coming down, but as if there was a force field around Logan, none of the rain was hitting Logan's perfectly, flawless face.
"Why do you think that?"
"Because he's going…he's going through so much already. I would never want to hurt him anymore." Logan's frown quickly turned to a smile as he looked away from me, pulling his legs up to his chest and hugging around them. He started to talk, but I couldn't hear him. I tried to reach out, to get his attention, but my body was frozen solid. I even tried to talk to him, but my voice was lost. "He isn't happy right now, and my feelings would only upset him even more."
"For the sake of argument, how do you know that for sure?" I opened my eyes fast, the sight of Logan gone and the good feelings gone. I sat up quickly and swung my legs off the side of the couch. The therapist looked up from her notepad and set her pen down, smiling small. "James I am surprised you have gone as far as you have with me." I frowned sitting back crossing my arms over my chest. "I understand, you didn't want to do this. I understand, you asked Logan to talk to someone for help, and that you weren't happy when he asked you to do it with him but…how can you have a fair and equally, loving relationship with him, if you expect him to only do the work."
"I don't." She raised her hand and shook her head.
"You are very defensive. You have this wall up, and put up a guard, that you're okay, and you are strong. It's unnerving for Logan."
"Is that what he said?" She opened her mouth slowly before closing it and looking down at her notepad. She wrote something down making me feel way too vulnerable. I cleared my throat and looked at my watch groaning on the inside because I still had 37 minutes left with the shrink.
"James…the only way Logan will open up, is if you ask him. And I'm not saying force it if he says no. Logan was traumatized. He was raped and beat at the hands of a pshyco path. There is no possible way he could ever completely heal and recover form that. But he can move on, and he the option to forget about it. But not when you are bullheaded, stubborn and everything else you are. Just form sitting with you for 20 minutes I know what kind of man you are." I locked eyes with the head doctor who had a soft face and beautiful light blue eyes. She was a beautiful women. If I liked girls I would probably already have her clothes off. "You feel that you are to blame, am I wrong?" I swallowed hard and shook my head looking down at the brown carpet under my feet. "James nothing can change what happened. You can't' erase the pain he faced. But you can help him heal. And the only way to do that, is to hold him, and tell him you are there for him. Tell him no one is to blame. Tell him, you love him and for God's sake James tell him you don't think of him any differently. That is the most important thing because he sees himself as different. He sees himself as a weak, helpless victim. DO you see him that way?"
"Of course not."
"Do you think he knows that?" I turned my head away fast and clenched my jaw hard. "Talking to him about this shouldn't be hard, mostly because he's with you again. He is safe, and for the most part healthy. The only thing that is making him feel worse, is how the important people around him, are treating him. He isn't broken James. And if he is, if you really think he is broken, treating him delicately, will only break him even more. It's not going to help him, if you treat him as the victim he still thinks he is. Pick him up and hold him up. Make him feel normal again. You are the only one who can do that for him. It seems like a lot of weight to put on your shoulders, but Logan is counting on you. You have to be strong for him right now, but that shouldn't be hard for you since you already know you are strong." I hated how right this women was. I also suddenly hated that I was okay with Logan going first today. If I had gone first, she wouldn't have had all these things to tell em about myself. I would have explained everything to her, instead of Logan, and then Logan could have gotten the third degree from this women. "I'm not going to force you to stay here, especially because I can tell you don't want to be here, and because your first visit is free I'm not going to make you stay the whole hour. Honestly I'm not the one you should be talking to Logan about." I watched her stand up fast and walk to her desk putting her clipboard down. "Logan scheduled an appointment for next week, should I put you down." She sat behind her desk and looked at me with sad eyes. She had a point. Well a few. I didn't want to be here. And if I was going to talk to anyone about Logan and what has happened, it should be Logan I talk to.
"No I think…I think I'm going to have a long talk with Logan tonight. And if I think I need to come to you again, I'll call." She smiled small and nodded writing in her little black book. "For the record, I don't feel strong. I know I'm not strong so…" I stood myself up and grabbed my sweater form the arm rest of the couch.
"I beg to differ Mr. Diamond, and I'll show you why." I glared at her as she walked from her desk to the door. I followed behind quick and just as I shoved my arms through the holes of my sweater she walked out into the little lobby of her office and smiled at Logan who was standing up frowning, while putting a magazine down. "That's why you are." She turned to me and smiled big. "I'm sure I'll hear from you again." I glared at her as she waved to Logan and said a last goodbye before walking into her office and closing the door. I groaned quietly digging my phone out form my jeans and walked the short distance to Logan.
"So this didn't go well for you I'm guessing?" A hand slipped into my front right jean pocket and I looked up form my phone screen to see Logan giving me the cutest face in the world. Since I got him back, his moods have come and gone. But since we woke up this morning, he's had one mood. One mood that could be described in a million ways. Loving, happy, excited just to name a few. And this face, with the perfect little smile he was sporting made me think I was slowly getting my Logan back. "I know it sucks to talk to someone else, who has no idea what kind of pain we've gone through but I think she can help. Me anyway. And if you don't want to come back, because I know how stubborn you are, and how you don like sharing your feelings, I understand." I reached up with my free hand quick and cupped his cheek rubbing my thumb under his right eye.
"I'm not sure what to say to you…about what has happened. I don't know how to say anything, because ei don't want to hurt you anymore." His mouth closed quick and he moved in closer to me, hugging softly. I wrapped an arm around him and closed my eyes setting my chin on the top of his head. "I'm always going to be here for you Logan. No matter what you need, a shoulder, a laugh or a song to get you to sleep, I'll give it. I just need to know, otherwise I can't help and I don't feel useful." He seemed to squeeze tighter around me making em think I was making a break through. Like I said…I might be getting my Logan back. "We're going to get through this Logan. Together. Even if it takes a million years, I won't give up on us or you. We will get through it, and she probably will be able to help." I made a motion with my head to the door of our shrink and he laughed quietly.
"You didn't look to happy walking out of her office." His voice was soft and a little pained making em hold him just a little tighter.
"That's because I don't like being told thing is don't like hearing. You know that." He giggled underneath my chin and I carefully raised my phone to text Kendall, that we were done. "So…do you feel comfortable talking to me now? Or do you want to give it a few more days?" We both went dead quiet after the last syllable left my mouth and I went rigid. I said the wrong thing. We were going to go back to him locking himself in the bathroom, crying for 5 hours. He pushed away from em gently, putting his hand son my ribs and looked up at me. He smiled small before blushing and looking down at my chest.
"Actually…I think we should talk. Tonight maybe over some dinner without Carlos or Kendall. Just the two of us." I quickly pulled him back into me and hugged him tight gritting my teeth so I wouldn't start baling my eyes out. It was official I had my Logan back. I knew, because Logan hates talking about his personal life to Kendall and Carlos. Especially Kendall, and especially now. He glanced back up at me and smiled biting his lip. "Yeah?" I laughed and nodded putting both hands on his face.
"It's a date."
There's a few more chapters of this story left. Prepare yourselves. Sorry I haven't been on recently. A lot of personal things happening and I started a new job and blah, blah, blah so…yeah.