#4 – Forever
My name is Jordan, and I have a secret.
My sister is crazy.
I've thought about telling my mom hundreds of times. I've thought about telling my dad thousands of times. But every time it's on the tip of my tongue, something stops me. Something tells me that telling would only make things worse.
But, when she's thrashing around in her bed, gasping and muttering about blood and hate and fear, I feel like I should do something. She has nightmares every single night – well, every night she's home, anyway. Sometimes she sneaks out, which I guess is normal when you're a teenager. But nightmares every night? That's not normal.
Rachel has always been moody, for as far back as I can remember. But now she's jumpy, too, and that's all wrong. See, my sister Rachel isn't scared of anything. She never has been. So that's how I know she's going crazy – I looked it up. Rachel is showing signs of paranoid schizophrenia.
Once I knew the symptoms, I started watching her very closely. I don't know if she has hallucinations – she doesn't talk to people who aren't there or anything – but more and more often, she just goes off in her own head. She'll stare at the TV like she's watching it, but when I ask her if she wants popcorn or a blanket, it's like I didn't even say anything.
Blunted emotion? Yeah, she's got that one, all right. Things I do that used to set her off, like playing with her toys or riding her bike instead of mine, get no reaction out of her anymore. She knows I'm doing them…believe me, she knows. When she sees me on her bike, that old spark comes into her eyes, and I think – hope - that this time, she's going to take it away from me. Tell me I've got a perfectly good bike of my own, so stop scratching hers up. But then she lets it go and her face takes on that blank look again.
Another symptom is not wanting to form relationships with new people. Well, Rachel has been hanging out with the same girl for years. Cassie. Cassie wouldn't notice Rachel going crazy if it hit her in the face; all she cares about are her animals. Every now and then, Rachel will talk to cousin Jake, but I think that's just so it seems like she has more friends than she does. She was never really close with Jake. Sometimes I listen in on their phone calls, and they never make much sense. It's almost like they're speaking in code or something…but if Rachel is crazy, then I don't see why Jake couldn't be, too. Same old family, same old crazy, har-har.
Lack of motivation. That's a big one. Nobody notices what I do because nobody competes with Rachel like I do. That's another secret I have; I've always wanted to accomplish a little more than Rachel. At first, it was about being noticed. Not a big, "Look at me!", but some quiet acknowledgement that maybe Rachel wasn't better than me simply because she was older, maybe. Rachel still gets good grades, she's still got all A's…but my grades have stayed perfect while hers slipped. They haven't slipped a lot, but they have. This year she's making A-minuses instead of A-plusses. I have the feeling next year they'll be B's. And it's such a slow progression, I'm the only one who sees it.
I've tried to deal with this on my own. I've asked her what's wrong several times, but she always laughs it off and says nothing. Typical Rachel. Whatever else has changed, her cocky attitude is not one of those things. And I guess that's why I won't tell on her. She's still the same person. She's still the same older sister I've always looked up to and at times been a little afraid of.
So I've decided to keep my mouth shut. If she gets to the point where she can't function anymore, if she has to be medicated, if they have to lock her up…well, those things happen if they happen. But I won't be the one to put her in that position. She won't be able to think back and say, "If only Jordan had kept her mouth shut, I wouldn't have to take these twelve pills every day and see the therapist three times a week." I love my sister, and even though I'm scared for her, I'll keep her secret to myself.
Forever, if I have to.