Author's note: I've really only recently gotten back into writing fanfiction, and am overwhelmed by the amazing support this story has received thus far. I do hope it continues, and that my gratitude is not understated. I would like to take a moment to clarify something about my previous note. Much of what happened in the previous chapter did indeed happen to me, but many things were different. I did not use anyone's real names, including my own. Also, a couple of other things varied: I was forced to say I made it up, and the case never went to trial, and though my mom was going to send me to foster care, my grandmother told her that would only happen over her dead body. I wanted to ensure that the previous chapter did not read like a typical Mary Sue. Anyway, thanks for the continued support, and I look forward to hearing what everyone thinks of this chapter. Don't worry. There's light at the end of the tunnel. The story has this title for a reason, though.
Later that night, Casey arrived at the restaurant Olivia had suggested a half hour early. It was her personal trademark; she loved to arrive everywhere, for any occasion, at least a half hour early. Eventually, the time Olivia was supposed to show up arrived and passed. Then she was ten minutes late, then a half hour, then fifty minutes. Soon, two hours had passed. Olivia hadn't shown up, nor had she texted or called to explain why.
Casey convinced herself that the older woman was probably working. Deciding to give her some more time, the redhead ordered her usual dinner. By the time it arrived, Casey, having just checked her phone for any message from Olivia, was finding it more and more difficult to convince herself that she hadn't been stood up. Still, she managed to remain calm as she ate her dinner by herself.
Once she had finished dinner, Casey shook her head. "Forget it," she sighed, closing her bill out, and heading home. She retrieved her laptop and briefcase from her bedroom, and organized everything upon the dining room table. She would do what she always did when she was upset: work until she could forget her anger.
She didn't know how much time had passed when the doorbell rang. Casey jumped a mile into the air, having been engrossed in an article detailing a psychological study on the effect of childhood sexual abuse. Four other articles sat beside her, highlighted, marked, and read several times each. Casey bit her lip, standing up and peering through the peephole.
With a frustrated growl, she unlocked the door and wrenched it open. "What do you want?" she snapped.
Olivia stood there with two bags of who knew what in hand and an apologetic smile upon her face. It was clear by her usual uniform of black slacks and a business casual shirt that she hadn't left the precinct. "Casey, I'm so sorry," she apologized. "I got tied up in an interrogation, and I lost track of time. It only ended a half hour ago."
"And you didn't call?" Casey asked, folding her arms across her chest.
"I wanted to explain in person," Olivia answered. "Are you going to make me stand in the hallway all night, or let me in?"
Perhaps because she didn't want the neighbors to hear the discussion, or perhaps because her rational thinking had taken over, forcing her to realize she couldn't possibly be mad at Olivia for something that wasn't her fault, Casey sighed and stepped aside, allowing her entry into the apartment. Closing and locking the door once more, the attorney leaned against it. "I was ready to write you a very nasty letter," she admitted. "I sat in that restaurant for almost four hours, waiting, and you never showed up, or called, or messaged in any form. I thought you stood me up. I thought..."
"Let me hazard a guess and say you cursed me in your head, and told yourself that those stupid nicknames and rumors were true?" Olivia asked.
Casey truly hated being so transparent. She wondered, briefly, if her head was made of glass, allowing anyone who wanted to see in to do so. "The thought may have crossed my mind," she admitted quietly. "But what was I supposed to think? I assumed you were at work, but I suppose I allowed my heart to take over my mind for a moment. In my head, I knew you wouldn't stand me up, but I couldn't help but feel that you had." She took a deep breath, exhaling slowly and walking over to the couch, sitting on her favorite cushion. "So much for not letting whatever this thing is between us affect our jobs."
Unable to sit still, which in itself was odd for her, Casey stood back up, pacing around the living room, pausing only to fluff a couple of pillows on the couch. She sat back down, folding her hands in her lap and tucking her legs beneath her. "I don't know if I can do this, Olivia," she confessed, the words spilling out of her mouth before she could stop herself.
Olivia sat down beside her, looking into her eyes. "Do what?" she asked.
"This," Casey insisted. She looked away, biting her lip in frustration. "We need to be honest with ourselves, and say that this was crazy. We were crazy to hope we could take things slowly. You can't take things slowly after already sleeping with someone."
"Why can't you?" Olivia asked, reaching up to brush a stray red curl out of Casey's eyes. "Casey, this isn't a medieval kingdom. This is the twenty first century. And in the twenty first century, there is no rule that says you have to court someone, then marry them, and have your first sexual encounter on your wedding night."
"I know that, Olivia," Casey said through gritted teeth, the older woman's bluntness glued like peanut butter in her mouth.
Olivia nodded. "Then you should know that the order in which things happen simply doesn't matter in today's world," she continued. "I understand where you're coming from. We didn't build up to anything, and yes, in that respect, things did progress very quickly. However, did you ever consider that we aren't strangers? Think about it this way. We may not have gone on a dozen dates before finally sleeping together. But we weren't complete strangers, either. You have been my best friend for almost thirteen years. In that time, we've gotten to know the same things about each other that people learn over the course of several official dates."
Casey considered that. It was true, of course, but she hadn't really thought about it in that context. Still, she had a thousand doubts, each one clawing its way out of her mind, determined to escape her lips first. Unable to think of the right thing to say, she merely mumbled a quiet assent.
"Besides," Olivia went on, crossing her legs. "I asked you a hundred times if you were sure, last night, and you assured me that you were. This morning, when I asked you if you regretted anything that had happened, you didn't just promise that you didn't have any regrets. You had sex with me again."
This bluntness was grating on Casey's nerves. She normally found it sexy, but something about the words "had sex" infuriated her. It sounded so...clinical, so technical. "I don't regret it," she answered, biting her lip so hard that she tasted blood. "I don't regret any of it. Olivia, you're completely missing my point."
"What point? You've barely spoken to me!"
"What point?" Casey snapped, forcing herself to look at the older woman. "Okay, let's start with the fact that this is supposed to be a casual hook up. You, yourself, stated that you don't want to take things too quickly, and that, at this point, our relationship is nothing more than two co-workers who happen to have slept together."
"And you agreed to that!" Olivia argued. "You told me you understood, and, as I recall, some of those words came out of your mouth, not mine."
Casey let out a little scream of frustration. The pillow behind her was suddenly extremely uncomfortable, and the normally calm attorney, overcome with a tiny burst of rage, wrenched it free and tossed it angrily to the floor. The shocked look on Olivia's face only enhanced her anger. Unfortunately, she didn't know what she was angry at. Herself? The situation? "I do understand," she said quietly, calming down and picking the pillow up off of the floor. "And yes, I did say some of those things, but I...I don't know. I suppose a day's worth of events can change your perspective on everything."
"Clearly," Olivia muttered. "You were all for it just twelve hours ago. Now, suddenly, you're throwing pillows on the floor and snapping at me. At first, I thought you were just pissed that I couldn't make our...dinner...but I understand what this is really about. You're not used to one night stands, are you?"
Casey was taken aback by the intonation in the question. It was a tone usually reserved for lying perps in the interrogation room. "I've had plenty of one night stands," she murmured. "And I was okay with it this morning, because the reality of the situation hadn't yet hit me. I must have still been surrounded by that mythical afterglow. You know, that unique afterglow one can only get from sleeping with the Great Olivia Benson." Tears stung the back of her eyes, and Casey bit them back, willing herself not to break down like a little wimp. She wasn't going to fold. She was an attorney, damn it, and her emotions needed to realize that.
"Casey..."
"Don't," Casey snapped. "Whatever you're going to say, don't. Yes, Sergeant, I pretended to be okay with it this morning, because I was so happy to finally be with you that I didn't want to come across as some horny little schoolgirl who couldn't keep her emotions in check. So I tried to convince myself that I was okay with keeping our relationship at a casual level until you said so. But throughout the day, I started to realize how insane that was. I don't do casual relationships, Olivia. I'm not a human sex toy, and I'm not going to put myself into a situation that requires me to be one."
She stood up, folding her arms across her chest. "I have had multiple one night stands in my life, but that's just what they were. They weren't one night stand after one night stand under the guise of taking it slow. And I didn't love any of those men. I didn't feel for them what I feel for you. I can't be that for you, because I...I love you, and I can't handle being a casual relationship to you. And tonight, being alone at that dinner table, only removed the blinders from my mind. Sitting there, alone, I realized that I didn't have a right to be so hurt, because it wasn't an official date. But on the same thread, I realized just how much I wanted it to be. I can't be just friends with you, Olivia, and you flat out stated that you don't have any interest in a relationship. That said, I don't know where that leaves us. I broke one of my biggest rules and fell in love with, not only my best friend, but a freaking co-worker. I don't regret sleeping with you. It was amazing, and even those few hours were heaven on earth, for me. But something about tonight made me realize that I need more...I want more. But you don't."
Casey took a deep breath as she finished her soliloquy. "I know you offered a couple of dates, Olivia, but you also said that you don't want a relationship. I understand. It's too soon. I just think we want different things. I can't just be around for sex when you want it. I need more. I want more, because I love you in a way I've never loved anyone. As you said, we've been friends for years, and in those years, my feelings have never changed or weakened."
Olivia stood as Casey finished speaking. "I understand," she answered softly. "And I respect you too much to use you in a way you don't want to be used. I may not understand where this came from, but I do understand how you feel. I'm truly sorry that I made you think that's all I want. But I'm not ready to jump from friendship to relationship in the span of a day. It's just too complicated. If you can't be friends and I can't jump into relationship status, where does that leave us?"
"I don't know," Casey whispered. "It's...complicated." And once Olivia was gone, leaving her alone with her thoughts, Casey sat on the couch quietly, curling into a ball, and allowing the tears she had been fighting to fall freely. She knew, no matter what they figured out, her relationship with her best friend, the woman she loved, had just changed forever.