Wrath of Stalin
Julius the Elder looked through his books and sat on his staff, closing his eyes in meditation. He did this daily, as to check whether or not there would be any specific changes in Emperor Land's harmony. When suddenly he saw a vision. A vision of fire, and violence, and three shadows walking from the explosions. Julius awoke in horror. Something was coming to Emperor Land, and it wasn't good.
Meanwhile, Mumble was waiting for Marshall to finish on her gadgets, before saying "anything new about that Black Flipper gang, Anna?"
"Well, there's a small decrease in activity from them. Other than that, negatory Mumble" Marshall answered, provoking a voice to say "wait. Mumble Happy Feet?"
"Yeah" Mumble said as he turned around, quietly saying to himself "oh, good grief" as the voice said "oh my Guin. I haven't seen you in forever"
"(sigh) Hello, Mary. It's been a while" Mumble answered reluctantly as he thought to himself I don't think 5 penguin years counts as forever. Mary said "how's the singing been going? I'm guessing you sing like an angel now"
"Uh, no actually. Just as screechey and ear-torturing as ever (sarcastic laughter)"
"(laughs) You always had a sense of humor about you, Mumble" Mary answered. "I'll see you round then" she added before leaving. "Okay. Bye" Mumble responded, waiting for her to go so he could turn around and sigh loudly. "Well, what's with all the sulking? Did you kill your girlfriend too?" Ozcar said sarcastically as he entered. "No actually. It's just Mary from Elementary School. She had this super crush on me. I mean, She's nice enough and all but she's such a pain in the-
"Who's this, Mumble?" Gloria asked, Mumble answering "Mary's back in town"
"Oh Guin, no wonder you're so pissed"
"What's so important about Mary?" Ozcar asked.
"Mary is the most annoying, exhausting, well-meaning-yet-overbearing penguin I have ever met" Mumble answered. Meanwhile, Aleksei sat on his chair outside the stall when Hellas said "oi Aleksei. It's that Julius lad. He wants to talk to you"
Aleksei ran up to Julius' cave saying in sign language Julius. You summoned me. Is something the matter?
Julius stepped from his meditation and replied why would something be wrong for me to want to speak to a friend?
So, nothing's wrong?
I didn't say that Julius said as he used his staff to blow out the candles around him. I have had a vision Aleksei.
A vision?
Stalin shall return.
Aleksei thought and said impossible. He hasn't been seen in years.
Nothing is impossible Julius answered. Aleksei spoke in penguin this time as he said "well, we must prepare ourselves. We have to fortify the valley or evacuate or something"
A wise master once said that one can meet his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it Julius said, pushing the Kung Fu Panda DVD back on the shelf. "Well in all respect Julius. Hellas and I have both lost our homes before and we don't want that to happen again"
We maybe small in numbers but the connection we share as a family may hold the answer to our problem
Later on, Mumble was walking around Emperor Land, when he unfortunately heard Mary's voice again. "Hey handsome" she said flirtatiously as she walked over. Gloria sat on an edge to enjoy the show, only to have second thoughts and decide to help Mumble out. Walking down to where they were she said "hey Mary. Long time no see"
"Oh my Guin. Hi Gloria" Mary said, before Gloria said to Mumble "hey you" as she kissed him, Mary being surprised by this. "Oh I didn't know you two were a...
"Oh yeah. Very serious relationship" Gloria lied, Mary saying "oh is that my mom calling? Better go give you some privacy" as she took off. Mumble said "well, thanks for the help Gloria" Gloria saying "anytime Happy Feet. Anytime"
Meanwhile, Julius had assembled his three students, Slink, Bennet and Larry, and said in sign language(translated by Aleksei) congratulations boys. You have completed your training. Slink, you are a wise leader, with skills that will come in handy many times throughout life. For that I give you this red belt and these ninjato blades.
"Thank you, Master Julius" Slink said as he accepted his belt and weapon, before Julius said Bennet, you are a cool guy. But your temper can be translated to fit your downfall. For this, I give you this yellow belt and trowels. They are in the alien world used for gardening so, yeah. Go nuts.
"Thank you, Master Julius" Bennet said, as Julius said and Larry, you are a butt kicking, rice cake making warrior superstar!
"Alright, yeah" Larry answered, Julius giving him a black belt and sais. Julius said now, you will be Emperor Land's best protection against Stalin's wrath, and I believe that together, we can defeat this threat.
It was the next morning that Julius and his students set off to find Stalin, having learnt a lesson from Mumble about not waiting for the bad guy to come to you. It took many hours for them to arrive at a dark, desolate dock. The water around them was littered with wrappers and garbage, including plastic rings from a Guiness six-pack. Larry picked this up and said "look at this. Someone could get this around their neck if they're not careful"
Slink said "quiet Larry. We have to find Stalin before he-
Suddenly a large airship pulled over their heads, a trap door opening and capturing the four with ease. Slink awoke what seemed like hours later and said "Bennet? Larry? Master Julius? Are you there?"
"Slink? Is that you?" Bennet said from a cage on the ceiling. "What are you doing up there, Bennet?"
"We were ambushed by Stalin. We're in his ship"
"Don't worry. I'll get you down" Slink said as he used his ninjato to slice the bars of the cage. As they hit the ground, Bennet said "we've got to find the others before-
Suddenly the doors slammed open and a masked chinstrap penguin wearing a cape strode in. "Excellent" he said. "You've passed your test with flying colors!"
"What test?" Slink asked.
"Your elderly friend Julius knows me as Stalin. But you may call me...uh, well...Stalin too, I suppose. I will give you a chance to drop your weapons and join me"
"We are loyal to Master Julius. We will never betray him!" Bennet shouted. Stalin watched his clock and said "very well. I had a feeling this would happen (whistles)" before the doors on either side of the room opened, one letting in a Fiordland penguin and the other letting in an erect-crested(seriously, look it up) penguin, Stalin shouting "Bangers! Mash! Destroy them!"
"With pleasure, Mr Stalin" the Fiordland penguin answered, as they both charged Bennet and Slink. While the two warriors held their own for a while, Bangers and Mash used two taser-batons to stun their enemies. Meanwhile, back at Emperor Land, Mumble, Hellas and Marshall waited at the front of Emperor Land for the group to return. "It's been two days. They should have been back by now" Marshall said impatiently. "Maybe they were jus' waitin' oot the storm" Hellas said, referencing the snow storm that happened earlier, only for Marshall to say "or maybe they were captured and we need to rescue them!"
Mumble said "we can't just go out there. It's too dangerous" only for a distant voice to say "Mumble? Are you there?"
Knowing that it was Mary, Mumble said "on second thoughts, it's such a beautiful day. Why spend it indoors?"
Later on, Bangers repeatedly pressed the button on the remote, saying "Mr Stalin. The TV is broken!" Stalin coming in and standing next to the large mahogany bookcase, saying "indeed, poor, stupid Bangers. for I have gotten rid of our television. The only channels this bookcase has is channeling knowledge. I believe it is more suited than a box with moving pictures."
"Aw" Mash said, before adding "but what if I want to watch The Walking Dead?"
"Instead, dear Mash, I shall read to you from Mary Shelley's Frankenstein! The original monster story" Stalin said, before Bangers asked "but I like to watch New Girl"
"Well, I'm sure Jane Eyre shall suit your fancy, Bangers. She was quite the new girl" before Mash asked "what if I want to watch Lord of the Rings"
"Instead, I shall read..." Stalin said, only to look at the bookshelf and say "oh, Lord of the Rings"
Suddenly, a loud knocking sound came to the front door of Stalin HQ, Stalin saying "who is it now?"
"I think there's someone at the door, Mr Stalin" Mash said, Stalin shouting "GO ANSWER IT THEN! I don't pay you two to sit around!"
"Actually, you don't pay us at all, Mr Stalin" Bangers said as they went to answer the door. They opened the large metal gate-like doors, revealing Mumble, Hellas and Marshall as Mumble said "hello sirs. So sorry to bother you but we're looking for four penguins who were coming near these parts. Have you seen them?"
"Hold on" Mash said, before turning and shouting "Mr Stalin! Have we seen four penguins that were coming near here?" Stalin answering "of course we have! That's who we captured, you idiots!" Mash turning back to Mumble and repeating Stalin's statement, Marshall saying "okay then. Waataaw!" as she knocked the two thugs aside with her nunchucks, saying "hands in the air dirtba-wait, what? Stalin?"
"Anna? Good Guin, I haven't you since that business back in Ice Vegas"
"Well, this is ppprrreeettttttyyy awkward, then"
"Indeed, it is.(pause) Does your backside still hurt after I gave you ana-
"Yeah, yeah, there's a lot of people I know here, Stalin. No need to mention that"
"Oh right, sorry" Stalin said. After a long awkward silence, Marshall rubbed the back of her neck and said "well, my farts don't make sounds now" before Stalin shouted "now lads!" as Bangers and Mash knocked out Mumble, Hellas and Marshall with their electric batons. Mumble woke up chained in a prison room next to Bennet and Slink, Marshall and Hellas being in cages next to Julius and Larry. Stalin came in and said "oh good. You're all awake"
"Who are you?" Mumble asked. "I am Stalin, as your friends Julius and Anna know already"
"What are you going to do to my friends?"
"Well, you and the Adelie and the three ninja turtles will suffer much less painful deaths than my former mentor(Julius) and ex-girlfriend(Marshall). For you see Happy Feet, years ago I w-
"Is this story going to be boring?" Mumble asked.
"You won't fall asleep at least. Anyway, I was the owner of Stalin's place, the hip new casino in Ice Vegas. I was on the covers of Millionaire monthly and not long after Billionaire bi-monthly. I was young and inexperienced, I was blowing my money in all directions. One night, I met a young female from Chinstrap Land who was willing to go twenty dollars for twenty minutes if you know what I mean"
"It's true! Money is attractive" Marshall answered from her cage. Stalin continued with "after that enjoyable night, the penguin you came to know as Marshall and I had gotten better acquainted. However, sooner or later, the Ice Vegas stock exchange came under attack from feral skuas. I thought not of how this would affect me, until I read something called wikipedia which taught me of my misfortune. I ended up stoney broke. Skint. A washed up has-been. (shivers)Normal. Without my seductive fortunes, Anna broke up with me. And so, I attempted armed robbery. However, my plans were terminated by the mystic known to you as Julius. Mute-voiced, son of a b-" before Julius threw a snowball at the back of his head.
"I suppose since I'm going to kill you anyway Happy Feet, I might as well tell you of how I am here today" Stalin said arrogantly before sitting on a stool next to where Mumble was tied up. "After I was defeated at the hands of the accursed Julius, I was sent to the Adelie Land Penitentiary for the criminally unstable, a rather exaggerated punishment if I say so myself. Anyway, using the brute strength of my two cell mates Bangers and Mash, we escaped"
(Flashback)
The police warden walked into an empty cell.
John Goodman: alright Stalin. Time to get up and...where the heck are they?
Stalin:(narrating) little did he know that Bangers had an old poster from an alien activity referred to as "free Nelson Mandela!"
The warden walked up to the poster, and noticed a small shadow behind it. Pulling the poster from the wall, the warden had discovered a long dark tunnel that led to the ocean.
John Goodman: STALIN!
Stalin:(narrating) after our escape, we had arrived on a foreign island and were captured by the natives.
Stalin, Bangers and Mash were then thrown into pots of stew that were put over a boiling fire, with the natives throwing assorted herbs such as leeks and Garlic in. Stalin dipped his finger inside the stew and had a taste.
Stalin: hhhmmm...needs a bit more salt.
(Flashforward)
"I doubt that you would like to hear the story of how we escaped from that" Stalin concluded, doing so after remembering the time that he, Bangers and Mash found themselves on a raft fighting off killer whales. "And so here, I shall come to Emperor Land, where I will remake my obscene fortunes through fixing the Emperor's water supply.
"What? There's nothing wrong with Emperor Land's water" Mumble said.
"Not yet anyway, but there will be thanks to my Hydro-converter!" Stalin shouted victoriously as Bangers and Mash pulled out a heavy metal cube-shaped machine. Mumble asked "what the fish is that thing?"
"I call it the Hydro-converter. Designed solely to convert water into a liquid of it's user's choice. I plan to change your aqua-devine into little more than measly cooking oil. Bangers, bring forth the testing liquid!"
Bangers then brought in a small beaker of water. Stalin flicked the switch on the side of the machine, causing it to vibrate vigorously, it's nozzle spinning round and round until finally a laser ray shot from the nozzle and onto the water. Seconds later the water was now a small puddle of Extra Virgin.
"So technically it's olive oil, not cooking oil but hey, you say potato, I say...well, I say potato as well. I mean, does anyone say potarto? Seriously, name one person who says potarto, it's no-one!" Stalin said, before adding "well, you get the point. Now, imagine what this little blighter could do to the entire Ross Sea, or the Southern Ocean? Now, while you imagine the possibilities, I shall become the hero of Emperor Land while you guys rot in chains! Ta ta, gentlemen" as he left the room, coming back in and saying "oh and Anna, my deepest regrets that we couldn't make it work"
Before they left, Mash said "so Happy Feet. Would you like a fish? Or the keys? Ha ha! Too bad!" as he put both items on the back of his belt. As he left, Mumble said "lose something?" Mash turning around to see Mumble holding the fish, checking his belt and saying "you are a worthy opponent, Happy Feet" as he left. Once the doors closed, Mumble pulled out the keys, which he also stole from Mash, and unlocked his chains. Julius slammed his staff on the cage bars, Mumble unlocking the other's cages too.
Meanwhile, SHQ flew to Emperor Land, Bangers and Mash pulling up the Hydro-converter. When Bangers lost his footing, causing the machine to drop, Stalin said "careful you fools! Without that machine our plan is finished!"
"Sorry Mr Stalin. We'll always have other plans, though" Bangers said lowly. Suddenly the door was kicked down and Slink, Bennet and Larry entered. "Bangers! Mash! Destroy them!"
"Will do, sir!" Mash said, before he charged the group from the right as Bangers charged from the left. Slink shouted "jump!" as his team mates obeyed, Bangers and Mash crashing into each other as they jumped. "You idiots!" Stalin scolded. Mumble saw the damage and said "looks like that bookcase didn't up their IQs any"
As the battle raged on, Marshall attempted to push away the Hydro-converter, instead pushing it onto it's side, the nozzle facing the ceiling now. Stalin grabbed a long double-ended spear and took his stance. "I got him" Bennet said as he charged Stalin, who sent him to the floor with a swish of his spear. Slink and Larry attacked together, Stalin taking them both down with ease. "Wow, you boys are weak indeed" Stalin mocked, only to stop as he sensed the presence of his nemesis, turning to face Julius as he said "hello, old friend" the latter raising his staff ready for battle, Stalin saying "oh, nice staff. Are you compensating for something, Julius?". Stalin screamed as he attacked Julius, who deflected and countered his assaults with swift movements of his staff. Stalin was eventually thrown into the front of the ship, standing up in pain and saying "well, for an old fellow you're agile" as he set his spear on fire and threw it at Julius, who made unusual gestures with his flippers, before catching the burning half of the spear, the sharp object shattering on impact. Mumble's jaw dropped at seeing this, Julius turning back to face his nemesis. The flipper that he had caught the spear with was set on fire, Julius seeing this and simply clenching a fist to put it out. Stalin stepped on the hydro-converter and activated it, saying "you can catch fire, now let's see if you can catch several thousand volts of electricity. As the device readied it's fire, Stalin then realised that the nozzle was facing the ceiling and therefore, him. "Uh oh" Stalin said as he tried to retreat, but he was too late as the machine fired, sending him through the ceiling and into the air screaming all the way. Stalin landed back on the ship, albeit on his back shivering with shock, the volts of the machine drilling through his bones.
Julius looked at the Hydro-converter and activated the self-destruct beacon. Motioning them to the exit, Hellas said "come on now. I wanne live te see me next bert-day!" as they left. Meanwhile, Bangers, Mash and Stalin woke up, Stalin saying "why is the Hydro-converter beeping like that?" as the computer said "60 seconds to self destruct" as the three scrambled to safety. Stalin said "who knows how to disarm a bomb?" Mash putting his hand up saying "I think I can de-
"GO ON THEN! WE HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY!" Stalin shouted in a panic. After about forty seconds the computer said "10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1..." before it shut down, Mash said "I did it! I saved us! Tiramisu for everybody, I'm buying!" as they celebrated, only for the blast to go off seconds later.
Julius looked at the explosion and said in sign language we did it. Stalin is defeated.
As the group celebrated back at Emperor Land, Mumble heard a voice that said "hey hero"
"(sigh) Not Mary again!" Mumble said quietly to himself as she walked up to him saying "I heard about you and the guys up there. Good job, honey"
"Hey Mumble, come here" Aleksei said, Mumble walking over and asking "what is it, Aleksei?" the former simply answering "Ozcar told me everything"
Meanwhile, Gloria walked up to Mary and said "hey Mary, I have something to confess"
"What is it Gloria?"
"Me and Mumble aren't a couple"
"Really. So, he's...available?"
"Well, not if I beat you to him, he isn't"
"Well, may the best penguin win" Mary said playfully as they shook flippers.
Elsewhere on SHQ, a bandaged Stalin sat in his dorm eating fish in the dark, where a lightning bolt struck and a figure entered the room. "You failed me" the voice said, Stalin answering "I suppose the burns and bandages give it away rather easily" with a sarcastic tone in his voice, before adding "what about your plan B? How does that fare?"
"I'm selecting the canditates. You're the first one on the list"
"Good. I'd love another crack at this" Stalin said before another flash appeared and the figure vanished.
CAST
MUMBLE
ANDREW GARFIELD
MARY
SHAILENE WOODLEY
GLORIA
EMMA STONE
OZCAR
DANE DeHAAN
MARSHALL
KRISTEN BELL
STALIN
TOBY KEBBELL
JULIUS
ANDY SERKIS
HELLAS
MICHAEL FASSBENDER
ALEKSEI
PAUL GIAMATTI
BANGERS
JOHN C. REILLY
MASH
WILL FERRELL
SLINK
ZACHARY QUINTO
BENNET
MARK WAHLBERG
LARRY
WILL ARNETT
PRISON WARDEN
JOHN GOODMAN