Author's note: Thank you, everyone, for the great reviews. I did reply to a couple, but one of them had to be anonymous, with my pen name at the end, because you can only submit one review per chapter per account. I would like to take a moment to say that what has happened thus far in the story was not my initial intent, but it did happen. However, I can promise that the story has a long way to go, and that the worst part is over. Things will be much brighter from here on out, I promise. Thank you for reading, and continuing to stick with me. I look forward to reading what you all think of this next chapter.
Casey didn't realize she had fallen asleep until she opened her eyes, feeling as if they were glued shut. She rubbed them carefully, sitting up on the sofa. She smiled when she saw Olivia sitting beside her, an open case file on her lap, a glass of wine on the coffee table. "Hey, you," Olivia murmured. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm not sure yet," Casey answered. "I'm too tired to feel anything but sleepy, right now." But as Olivia handed her a cold glass of water and Casey took a few small sips, she realized that whatever nausea she had been feeling earlier had passed, as had her migraine. "What time is it?" the redhead asked.
"Just after ten," Olivia replied. "I was only gone for forty five minutes, but when I got home, you were already asleep. I didn't wake you, did I?" Casey shook her head, and Olivia smiled softly. She stood up, walking over to the freezer and retrieving two enormous bowls of ice cream. Their favorite ice cream parlor had some of the largest bowls in the city, even bigger than the new large at Dairy Queen.
Casey smirked when she saw the bowl, which was filled to the rim with peanut butter cup ice cream. It oozed with hot fudge syrup, which was, of course, frozen by now, and smothered in m&m's and Hershey kisses. "Wow," she murmured. Olivia had remembered all of her favorites. "Are you trying to fatten me up?" she asked.
Olivia shrugged. "You could stand to gain a few pounds," she answered with a smile.
"I don't think that will be a problem," Casey said under her breath. Seeing the questioning look Olivia gave her, Casey flinched, the truth dying on her lips. "Nevermind," the mumbled hastily, unwrapping her spoon and taking a bite of her ice cream.
Olivia sighed, removing the clear lid from her own bowl. "Casey, are you sure you're feeling okay?" she questioned. "You've been sleeping for twice the amount you usually do. I know it's because of the stress, but don't think I haven't noticed you getting out of bed in the middle of the night and spending an hour or more in the bathroom. Casey, if there's something we need to talk about, or if you're doing anything unhealthy, you need to tell me."
Casey tucked her legs beneath her, oddly annoyed. It was just like Olivia to assume she had developed an eating disorder. Not that she hadn't thought about it, but that was in her lowest moments. Casey could feel Olivia's eyes boring into her. It made her feel like a moth trapped in the brightest light, a specimen to be dissected at one's leisure. "Olivia," the redhead began, knowing she couldn't hide this for much longer. She sighed and placed her bowl on the coffee table, meeting Olivia's gaze. "We need to talk," she murmured.
"What about?" Olivia asked, taking a bite from her own bowl and placing it beside Casey's. She must have noticed the tears that had flooded in Casey's eyes, because she opened her arms and sighed as Casey laid in them. "What's the matter, honey? You know you can tell me anything."
Casey remained silent for a long time. She didn't know how best to explain what was happening. She could beat around the bush, tell the story, and end with a cliff-hanger. Or she could blurt it out and get it over with. But no, that didn't seem right, either. There had to be some middle ground. She just had to find it. "Olivia," she said slowly, hesitating. Then, before she could stop herself, she blurted "I'm pregnant."
Well, so much for a middle ground.
Olivia let out a sound that was something between a gasp and a groan. At first, she held Casey more tightly, but then she released her so that she could face her again. Casey could see, by the look in her eyes, that the older woman was trying to decide how best to respond to the situation. She could practically see the dilemma she had faced mere seconds ago etched into Olivia's features, flashing across her face like the title on a marquee. "Oh, Casey," she finally breathed out, tenderly brushing a strand of scarlet hair out of Casey's eyes. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I don't know," Casey admitted right away. She really didn't. Some women may have hesitated to tell their partners, and instead opted to take care of their pregnancy themselves. But Casey, who was raised in a strict Catholic family, didn't believe in abortion, and regardless of her beliefs, she just couldn't imagine walking into some clinic and telling them they could do whatever they wanted with her baby. She fully understood that it was the decision some women would make in her place, but it wasn't one she felt she could make herself. That wasn't even a factor in why she couldn't tell Olivia. She just..couldn't.
"It's because of me, isn't it?" Olivia asked. It came out as more of a statement than a question.
Casey snapped to attention. "What do you mean?" she asked, shocked. But she knew exactly what Olivia was talking about. Olivia herself was a product of rape, and telling a product of rape that she was pregnant from her own rape was, admittedly, quite uncomfortable. It made Casey feel trapped all over again. What if she made the wrong decisions in the baby's life? What if it grew up thinking she hated it? What if...
Olivia sighed, snapping Casey back into reality. "Casey, don't worry about that," she answered gently, as if reading Casey's mind. "But I know that's at least part of why you didn't tell me. I do this for a living, sweetheart. And I love you. I can read you like a book." Olivia opened her arms again, allowing Casey to cuddle into her. Casey hesitated, but then crumpled against her. Just the feel of Olivia's strong arms around her made her feel completely sheltered from the world, and from everything she was facing. "What are we going to do?"
"We?" Casey questioned, too shocked to realize that Olivia, of course, would be there with her every step of the way. Then she shrugged, shaking her head. "I don't know," she murmured. "But I'm going to keep the baby," she said firmly. "I know you have mixed feelings on that, Olivia, but I've always wanted to be a mother. I may not have planned to have a baby so soon, and I certainly didn't imagine it happening like this, but I'm not going to punish the baby for its father's actions. That's not right."
Casey knew without looking that Olivia was nodding. "I know," she murmured, scratching Casey's back soothingly. It always relaxed Casey, and often made the difference between a restful night and a sleepless one. There was something infinitely calming in such a simple gesture. "I don't know what to say," the older woman admitted quietly. "Casey, you know that I would crawl to the ends of the earth to make you happy, and if this is what you want, I'll do it. God knows I don't have a right to advocate getting rid of something for someone else's mistake." She sighed deeply, her fingers pausing in their efforts.
"Are you going to leave because of this?" Casey asked. Her anxiety was slowly creeping into her mind again, despite months of effort, months of Olivia convincing her that she was really the one she wanted.
"No, of course not!" Olivia exclaimed. "Casey, I would never leave you. Nothing you could ever do or say could make me stop loving and wanting you. But this is going to be tough. You know that as well as I do. I'm shocked that this could happen, of course. And I'm worried about how it will affect you and your healing process."
Casey bit her lip so hard she tasted blood. She understood Olivia's concern, of course. After years of working with the Special Victims Unit, she had seen so many victims experience the very dilemmas that now haunted her. She had seen babies have one of two impacts: they either helped the women heal more quickly, or they inspired some form of detachment, and only reminded the women of their assaults. "It'll help," she murmured, hoping, as she said it, that it was true. "Olivia, everything will be okay." She heard the confidence in her own voice. If only she could convince herself of the truth in the statement.
"I hope so," Olivia replied softly, sighing above her again. As Casey moved to rest her head on Olivia's chest, the older woman held her tightly, resting her cheek on the top of the attorney's head. "Casey, I really do think you should consider getting some..professional help," she murmured.
Casey sat up too quickly. Her head began to spin. "A shrink?" she cried. "Olivia, how can you say that to me? I don't need therapy. I told you that. I'm fine. And I have you. What more do I need?"
"I'm not an actual therapist!" Olivia retorted. Casey had gone to therapy for the first month after her attack, but she had stopped it afterwards, because it didn't help. Therapy wasn't for everyone. What Casey really wanted, more than anything, was to return to work and get on with her life. That, she knew, was the major obstacle that was preventing her from healing.
"I don't care," the redhead snapped. "I tried therapy, Olivia, like I promised. I went three times a week, and you know what? All it did was make me feel worse about myself.
Olivia sighed. "I know that, honey. I really do. But maybe you didn't get the right therapist. Maybe we can find someone else for you. Someone who really will help. You're going to need one. You say you're okay now, but you know what's waiting on the other end. I'm not going to watch you crash and burn. Please, Casey. Please work with me here. I love you, and it breaks my heart that I can't help you by myself, but I also have to admit that I can't. You need more. We need more. Especially if we're going to have a baby."
Casey looked away, tears flooding in her emerald eyes. She still couldn't believe everything that had happened. Sure, her attackers would be brought to justice, but she still had to remember what they had done, and now she had another reason to remember them. But then, she already loved her baby, and she wanted desperately to shelter it from everything that was happening in the world, every evil thing. She didn't want to give Olivia the satisfaction of being right, but she also knew she owed it to the woman she loved, and to their baby to at least try to heal. "Fine," she conceded quietly. "But for now, I'm going to bed." Casey picked up her ice cream, which was practically candy soup by now, and stormed into the bedroom, flopping into the bed and staring down at her dessert. It looked exactly as she felt: melted, but still cold, with unidentifiable emotions swirling around it. God, what had her life come to? She was comparing herself to ice cream. Yeah, she definitely needed help.