On the night of Christmas Eve, Bangers and Mash smiled while they began to decorate their small Christmas tree. When suddenly Stalin barged into the room and slumped up to his bedroom in exhaustion. "Merry Christmas, Mr Stalin" Bangers said happily, before Stalin answered with "do not talk about that dreaded holiday Bangers, you know I despise Christmas!"

"How can you say bah humbug to the holiday?"

"I did not say bah humbug Mash, but I'll say it now. About this conversation. Bah Humbug!" Stalin answered before closing the door. That night, as he slept, Stalin heard a noise from in front of him. Opening his eyes slightly, he saw a ghostly white figure. This silhouette seemed to resemble the late Cliff Wolfsworth, and so Stalin was sure that he was dreaming, before going back to sleep in his chair. But the ghost would not stand for this, and so he awoke the sleeping penguin by saying:

Cliff: Wake up, Scrooge! I'm about to take a dickens of a dump
on this lonely, homely, little miserable grump.
I'm like a star on a Christmas tree, you're like the stump!
I'm not known for my heart but you're still getting trumped!

You remind me of my sister in a bikini, because you disgust me.
Keep your cray-Z from Bangers and Mash away from me, don't even touch me.
I don't shake hands. I don't make fans.
I ruin penguins faster than Arctic lands.
Even Jay-Z'd know what a pimp I am!
I got my name on the front of the business, man!

My raps will haunt you and make you think that you're going insane.
You're about to get whooped by three MCs, of the ethereal plane.
So when your clock strikes, prepare to enter a world of Christmas pain.
Cause I'm out, I got my own fishing problems. Call me 2-chainz!

Stalin: How dare you disturb me when I'm napping in my chair.
You're a crappy rap spitting apparition, I ain't scared
Of some random phantom, haunt all you want, I don't care
I do not believe in ghosts and I don't believe that hair!

Petey: Don't panic, Stalin, but you're about to crash.
It's me Petey, the ghost of bad dude's past.
I'll knock your face back to your Hitler mustache!
Cause I owned Rodan's army, and I run these tracks!

You got dumped on a bench, now you're pissed at the world.
You shoulda done it like Chrysta,
and kissed the girl!

Cause your greed is the curse what's gonna tear you apart
What good is a purse, when you're poor in your heart.

Stalin: Bah humbug!
Your rhymes don't unnerve me! They're atrocious!
What frightens me the most is your eye-sore myosis!
Evil and success, that's the life I've selected.
So enough with your nonsense from the past, I'm not affected!

Bangers: But you're about to be, right now!
I am the ghost of what's right now!

Just take a lesson from this-lin!
You're missing the point Mr Sta-lin!

Just put some friends on your wish-list.
Cause you don't know the spirit of Christmas.
If you did then you would at this moment
be sharing your money with some of the homeless!

Stalin: Ah! This isn't happening.
Argh, this is maddening agony-wait, actually!

Harkening back to the dead Clifford's lecture I still am expecting a final specter!

Moriarty: Boo! (Stalin screams)

You're going to die!

No one to love you and no one to cry!

Alone by yourself on the bed of your death with a stench of regret on your last dying breath

Cause you've chosen the life of a selfish man!

With plenty of innocent blood on your hands!

The penance you pay for the way you behave is written as plain as the name on this grave!

Stalin: But are these the shadows of things that will be?
Or things that may be only?

If I depart from this course, can they change?

Say it is thus with what you show me.

I promise to mend my ways!
A friend to all men is what I will become!

It's Christmas! I haven't missed my chance to be different. God bless us everyone!

A Christmas Story

Mumble walked into the LOFAO house where Moriarty was carving a block of ice into a sculpture of a Christmas tree. Mumble brought in a box that Johnny had asked him to get. "Johnny?" he called to no answer, before adding "I brought you those things you wanted. Jo-

"HAPPY HOLIDAYS, MUMBLE!" Johnny shouted through a microphone, the amplifiers knocking Mumble off of his feet. Johnny helped him up and said "sorry about that. Just testing my new amplifiers that I'm putting up for Christmas"

"Well, they work, that's for sure" Mumble said as he rubbed his ears in pain. Suddenly the doors slammed open and Marshall stormed into the room, kicking over Moriarty's Christmas tree as she entered.

"Oy! I worked hard on that!" Moriarty shouted angrily, only to look away when Marshall gave him an dangerously furious glare before going up the stairs. "What's up with her?" Mumble asked. "Is it that time of the month already?"

"No dear boy. Anna just despises Christmas"

"Hates Christmas? Who doesn't like Christmas?"

"He just told you who" Moriarty said as he picked up the tree. "She's just upset because it was this time of the year when she broke up with you-know-who"

"Well, maybe it's for the better. Remember the presents she used to get us" Johnny said.

(Two years ago)

Johnny: Oh, a picture. Of you. So nice.

(The year before that)

Moriarty: A dry cleaning bill?

(The year before that)

Johnny opened the box that Marshall had given him, only for a bowl of fish-heads to catapult from the box and hit him in the face as Marshall laughed.

(Present day)

"Oh well. Suppose you're right" Moriarty said. Meanwhile, Garner and Victor walked through the valley talking about the holidays, while Petey sang his own Christmas song to advertise "Petey's House of Fish restaurant" his song went a little like this.

Petey: Hark the herald angel sings,

half price off our chicken wings.

Fish-heads too, for everyone,

now with added sodium

Garner said "I wonder what we should get Anna this year"

"I have a clue"

"What is it?"

"Nothing! I'm not getting another unwanted gift for that stuck up hooker. Remember last year?"

(FLASHBACK)

Merry Christmas to one and all Julius said in sign language, though at this point no one could understand him yet. Marshall sat on a chair excitedly saying "come on guys. Give over the presents"

"My good friend Anna" Garner said as he presented a box-shaped present to her, this being a present from both him and Victor. "Please accept this humble gift as a token of our appreciation of your friendship"

As he spoke, just Marshall's facial expressions showed that she was bored of his speech, as Garner continued "I know I speak for both of us when I say th-

"Just give it to me!" Marshall snapped as she took the box from his flippers, tearing the paper vigorously before seeing what it was. "A storybook?"she said with disappointment. "You call that a present. (annoyed sigh) I hope you have something better for me, Julius"

Julius answered of course as he sat on a piano and began playing Beethoven's fifth. Marshall simply said "what is THAT supposed to be?"

Julius answered a small piece. Beethoven's fifth.

"(disturbed shiver) I hate it. That stuff is gloomy as fish!"

(FLASH-FORWARD)

Julius awoke from his meditation and went to his door where he heard a knocking. He opened it, only to stand back in shock.

"Merry Christmas, old nemesis" Stalin said happily, only to have Julius' staff push him by his neck and pin him to the ground. "Wait! Wait! Hey, wait!" Stalin shouted as he pulled out a white sheet, waving it in the air as Julius pressed his staff to his throat. Julius noticed this surrender and lowered his weapon, saying why are you here, you petty criminal?

"You ever heard of the Christmas truce of 1914? Cause you look old enough to have been there!" Stalin said before clicking his flipper in an oh-snap-I-got-you-there-bitch fashion. What about it? was Julius' response. "I'm saying that I offer peace at this time of good will. After all, it's Christmas day. December 25th. Peace on Earth, right?" Stalin answered as he held out his flipper. Julius thought for a moment, before shaking his flipper in agreement.

Later on, Mumble was waiting in Hellas' forge when Ozcar said "hey Mumble. I need your help!"

"Sure, what is it Ozcar?"

"Well, it's Christmas, and Katniss says she can't wait to see what I'm getting her"

"So?"

"So, I haven't gotten her anything yet!"

"Well, you're in a pickle then" Mary said from behind Mumble, the latter falling off of his seat in surprise. Once he picked himself up, Mumble said "for Guin's sake, Mary! Don't do that!" turning around and looking at her. Mary was wearing a tight green sleeveless shirt and a green fedora on her head. Mumble asked "who the fish are you supposed to be?"

"You can call me thirsty" Mary said as she fluttered her eyelashes flirtatiously. Just then Marshall stormed in and pushed over another of Moriarty's Christmas trees, this one falling on top of Mary. Mumble looked and saw her flipper protruding from under the tree, before he heard her voice say "uh, Mumble. Baby, can you give me a flipper please?"

"Sure" Mumble said, before grabbing Rodan Gizzardcrusher's discarded prosthetic and handing it to her, saying "here you go" as he ran off.

Meanwhile, Bangers, Mash and Stalin sat on a couch opposite Julius, Slink and Bennet. All six were silent and drinking from small glasses of water with plain facial expressions, Julius' face being the least happy of them. Stalin cleared his throat and said "(ahem) so, nice weather we're having" to complete silence, before adding "we'll be having a white Christmas then" as he sipped his water. Looking at his drink, he said "h-hm, reminds me of the time when I almost turned Emperor Land's water into extra virgin, eh Julius?" only for the latter to lose his cool and start attacking Stalin with his staff, Bennet and Slink attempting to calm him down. When Julius was finally pulled off of Stalin, the latter said "hey, if we're going to celebrate this Xmas truce, then he has to STOP with the violence, alright!"

Back in the forge, Hellas sat with a beverage that he referred to as "Guiness" while Aleksei drank a sloppy, yellowish drink. "What is that, Aleksei?" Hellas asked.

"I call it egg-nog" Aleksei answered. "I have composed this tasty beverage of sugar, nutmeg and the main event, raw eggs"

"You bloody cannibal!" Hellas said sharply, before Marshall came into the room and said "gimme some of that!" to Aleksei, who handed her a glass and the bottle of eggnog, only for Marshall to throw the glass aside and slurp it down from the battle. When she put it back, Aleksei said "well, whole bottle of homemade eggnog in one gulp. That's a new Christmas recor-

"Oh shut up!" Marshall snapped before storming out of the room. Hellas said "must be that time of the month again"

Later on, Stalin was talking to a much calmer Julius about the holiday, when suddenly Bangers and Mash came over.

Mash: Mr Stalin?

Bangers: Do you wanna build a sn-

"NO!" Stalin snapped. "My Guin, what could be worse. I'll need another three ghosts to get me to like that song!"

Bangers+Mash: Okay bye.

Meanwhile, Garner and Victor were helping Moriarty to redecorate his Christmas tree sculpture. Victor was whistling a tune as he added the ice ornaments.

Victor: The moon is bright,

The spirits, up,

We're here tonight,

and that's

Garner: Simply having a wonderful Christmas time

Simply having a wonderful Christmas time.

Moriarty: The party's on

The feeling's here

That only comes

This time of year

Johnny: Simply having a wonderful Christmas time

Simply having a wonderful Christmas time

Their fun was soon cut short when Marshall came in, even angrier than before, as she said "listen closely. I'm not having a wonderful Christmas time. I don't wish it was Christmas everyday. I don't want to deck any halls with boughs of holly. So if you don't mind, I just want to have a silent night!" before walking out again. The four looked around, before resuming their carolling.

Stalin then said "why don't we try some Christmas carols. That ought to bring some Christmas cheer, right?"

"Sure" Slink answered, Bennet saying "why not"

"Right. I'll start off" Stalin said as he cleared his throat.

Stalin: Snow is falling.

All around you

children playing, having fun.

It's the season, of love and understanding,

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Mash: Time for parties and celebration,

People dancing all night long,

Bangers: Time for presents, and exchanging kisses,

Time for singing Christmas songs.

Bennet: We're gonna have a party tonight,

I'm gonna find that girl underneath the mistletoe,

"Hey" Marshall shouted angrily. "Stalin?"

"Oh, hello, my dear"

"What the hell are you doing here!?"

"You know, World War One. 1914. Christmas truce? Is this ringing anyone's bells? Oh well, see. We thought since it's the time of peace on Earth and good will to all men that we put aside our disagreements for the day. It's all in the small print of the whole arch-nemesis contract. Come December 26th, we are back to our own ways. I'm even armed for when it happens(pulls out loaded gun)"

"So, you're not gonna hurt anyone till Boxing day, is that it?" Marshall asked.

"Well, Julius is resisting our tempting traditions as much as I am so, yes"

Marshall rolled her eyes and left, before Stalin said "must be that time of the month again. Oh yes, Julius. I brought you a present" as he handed him a box. Julius opened it and saw a small, smelly fruitcake, Stalin saying "I made it myself. Well, Bangers and Mash helped. Well, they made it, I supervised. In spirit, I was in the bathroom. Diarrhea, you know what it's like, but anyway. Here is my present"

Julius opened it and asked what is it?

"It's a photo album. Of all the great times we've had" Stalin answered as Julius looked at all the pictures, the majority of which featured Stalin being beaten by Julius. Thank you Stalin Julius said, before pulling out a carton and giving it to Stalin, who asked "is this that Aleksei's eggnog thing?" to which Julius nodded. "When I drink this I go a little crazy you know. Watch this" Stalin said as he drank the entire carton in under 20 seconds, saying "when I'm on a sugar rush I can do this...

Stalin: Uh, summa lumma dooma lumma you assuming I'm a human

What I gotta do to get it through to you I'm superhuman

Innovative and I'm made of rubber, so that anything you say is

Ricochet in off a me and it'll glue to you

And I'm devastating more than ever demonstrating

How to give a motherfishin' audience a feeling like it's levitating

Never fading, and I know that haters are forever waiting

For the day that they can say I fell off, they'll be celebrating

'Cause I know the way to get 'em motivated

I make elevating music

You make elevator music

The entire group applauded Stalin, who bowed thankfully and said "thank you all. Thank you, I'm here all week. Here, hand me that sax"

Stalin: my daddy was a bankrobber

but he never hurt nobody

he just loved to live that way

and he loved to steal your money

some is rich, and some is poor

that's the way the world is

but i don't believe in lying back

sayin' how bad your luck is

Later on, everyone was gathered at the LOFAO house, where Johnny said "Merry Christmas everyone. Now, let there be light" as he pressed the on button. Suddenly, there was voices of disappointment in the air as the tree didn't light. Stalin said "well, so much for brightening up the season" as Julius said to Ozcar a little gift from me to you, Ozcar opening it and seeing a small, smelly fruitcake. "Oh, thank you" Ozcar said as he left to find Katniss. "Oh well, it's the effort that counts" Johnny said to Mumble, before a voice said "and it's not right for all that effort to go down the drain"

"What are you doing here, Anna? I thought you hated Christmas"

"I do. But it's the time of peace on Earth and good will to all. So, I decided to let you have your holiday" Marshall said as she put the batteries back in the remote. No sooner had she done this that the entire Christmas tree was lit up with green and red lights, prompting a cheer from everyone as Stalin shouted "I think I feel a song coming on" while he stood on the stage and Bangers and Mash got out their piano.

Stalin: It was Christmas Eve babe

In the drunk tank

An old man said to me, won't see another one

And then he sang a song

The Rare Old Mountain Dew

I turned my face away

And dreamed about you

Got on a lucky one

Came in eighteen to one

I've got a feeling

This year's for me and you

So happy Christmas

I love you baby

I can see a better time

When all our dreams come true

Katniss sat on a bench as she opened her present. "Oh my Guin. Fruitcake! Thanks, Ozcar!"

Marshall: They've got cars big as bars

They've got rivers of gold

But the wind goes right through you

It's no place for the old

When you first took my hand

On a cold Christmas Eve

You promised me

Broadway was waiting for me

You were handsome

Stalin: You were pretty

Queen of New York City

When the band finished playing

They howled out for more

Stalin and Marshall: Sinatra was swinging,

All the drunks they were singing

We kissed on a corner

Then danced through the night

The boys of the NYPD choir

Were singing "Galway Bay"

And the bells were ringing out

For Christmas day

Johnny said to Mumble "well, this has to be one of the best Christmases I've ever had" only for the clock to strike midnight. Christmas was over, and it was now December 26th. Stalin saw this and said "right then. Who wants to die first?" as he pulled out his gun. Both he and Julius smiled as they charged their attacks, Marshall still singing as the fighting went on.

Marshall: You're a bum

You're a punk
You're an old slut on junk
Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed
You scumbag, you maggot
You cheap lousy faggot
Happy Christmas your arse
I pray God it's our last

The boys of the NYPD choir
Still singing "Galway Bay"
And the bells were ringing out
For Christmas day

Merry Christmas to one and all

CAST

MUMBLE

ANDREW GARFIELD

JULIUS

ANDY SERKIS

STALIN

TOBY KEBBELL

BANGERS

JOHN C. REILLY

MASH

WILL FERRELL

SLINK

ZACHARY QUINTO

BENNET

MARK WAHLBERG

MARY

SHAILENE WOODLEY

MARSHALL

KRISTEN BELL

VICTOR

LIEV SCHRIEBER

GARNER

ZACH GALIFIANAKIS

OZCAR

DANE DeHAAN

HELLAS

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

ALEKSEI

PAUL GIAMATTI

KATNISS

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

GLORIA

EMMA STONE

SEYMOUR

WILL. I. AM

JOHNNY

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

MORIARTY

ANDREW SCOTT

PETEY

RYAN REYNOLDS

CLIFF

MARTIN FREEMAN