based loosely on: (Imagine your OTP in a world where if your soulmate is harmed in any way, you get harmed in the same way. Person A cuts themselves, believing they'll never find their soulmate. Person B finds marks all over their arms and panics in the realization that their soulmate is cutting themselves. What happens beyond there is up to you.)
She's self destructive. She's always been.
Though it never manifested physically until Tiffany Doggett told her she wasn't worthy of anyone's love.
She was the type of person to go out and get blind drunk and follow someone she barely knew home. The type of person who'd crawl from a strange bed before the sun could rise, amid a raging hangover, and slip quietly back into the night before the other occupant could catch her presence (before she could turn and glance at them herself, because she could better convince herself they weren't real if she never looked). She had her own collection of hazy nights, blurred encounters, forgotten chunks of memories, and discarded bed mates. And it had been enough. Until Tiffany Doggett.
The first time Piper Chapman indirectly destroyed herself had been both terrifying and exhilarating. Tiffany's bleeding face contorting painfully under the blows of her rawing fists. Tiffany's weak and gnarly teeth scattering across the snow amid the spraying blood, embedding themselves in Piper's slowly reddening knuckles. Tiffany's gurgled words dying softly under the heavy thud, thud, thud, of Piper's relentless blows.
She'd been expelled from boarding school that day.
And maybe somewhere along the line she'd begun to believe Tiffany was right.
(She was just never sure if it had been something she'd known all along or something Tiffany finally helped her realize.)
She channeled her self destruction into physical outlets after that.
Sometimes she'd hit walls. Her fist connecting with the solidity of the wall with a satisfying crack as her knuckles threaten to break, smears of blood growing more pronounced against the bland brick as she continues to drive her fist against it again and again and again. Sometimes she'd hit punching bags. A smile flitting across her face as it sways backwards, recoiling from her attack, recoiling from her power, recoiling from her presence. Sometimes she'd hit people. Bruises flowering across the faces of now former lovers, noses crunching satisfyingly as hopeful suitors jerk away with shocked exclamations, and Tiffany Doggett's face swimming before her eyes as she hits and hits and hits until once again Piper Chapman is alone.
The scars on her knuckles split open sometimes and she eyes them idly in the aftermath of her implosion. If I had a soulmate they'd be looking at these same knuckles. But Piper knows she doesn't. Because Piper's not worthy of anyone's love.
She meets Alex by mistake. Or by chance. Depending on how you look at it. Depending on who you ask.
She's in a bar nursing her fourth drink (fifth? sixth?), lazily debating whether or not she'd spend the night in her own bed or someone else's when he approaches. This man. This man who's been eyeing her all night. This man who she'd written off an hour ago and yet here he stands, before her once again. She doesn't listen to what he says. She's heard it all already. She's already passed her judgement on him. But he continues on anyway, eventually dropping a palm to her arm. She tenses under his grip and he tightens it slightly. He's attempting to ease her out of her seat and her knuckles are slowly curling into fists when she appears.
"There a problem here?" She asks smoothly, placing herself between Piper and the man. Allowing Piper a moment to catch her breath, relax her muscles, soothe her anger. She doesn't catch the rest of the conversation just knows that the man is soon walking away and she is turning to face her.
"Sorry about that," she husks warmly, "you looked like you could use a hand."
"Thanks." Piper slurs. She moves to pull herself from her seat, stumbling slightly in the process and her hand darts out to steady her.
"Woah there, you okay?"
And Piper eyes her a moment. She'd settled for spending the night in her own bed the moment that man's palm landed on her arm, but now she's reconsidering as she studies the tall brunette.
"Yeah. Thanks." She straightens. Meets her eyes. Turns on the charm. "What's you name?"
The brunette's eyebrow raises, a smirk tugs at her lips. "My name's Alex."
"Piper."
"Well, Piper..." Alex chuckles warmly and Piper leans a little closer. "I think maybe we should get you a cab."
"Mmmm..." Piper hums giddily as Alex leads them from the crowded bar.
It doesn't take long for the cab to arrive and Alex settles her in before withdrawing. Piper grabs her jacket as she moves to retreat. "Wait. Aren't you coming with me?"
Alex regards her thoughtfully for a moment. "As much as I'd love to take you up on that offer, you are somewhat wasted and I'd be no better than the asshole I just pulled off you if I did."
"But I want you to." Piper murmurs, leaning into her once again. And Alex sighs softly. "You have to at least see me home."
She relents, casting a gaze around the empty sidewalk before climbing in behind her. And maybe she was right and Piper's drunker than she thought, because she's curling against the woman before she can stop herself. Her head falling to Alex's shoulder. And Alex lifts a hand to run gently through her hair. They're silent as the city passes on around them. Eventually Piper shifts and her hand falls against Alex's lap, brushes against her thigh. Alex's gaze tracks it, and her free hand rises to capture it.
Alex's breath catches in her throat when she catches a glimpse of Piper's knuckles. Piper mistakes it for shock. Fear. Disgust. She pulls her hand back, tugs the sleeves of her shirt over them. But Alex catches her wrists. Stills her hands. Traces her scars.
"It's you." She whispers softly, breathlessly, and Piper tenses under her gaze, under her grip.
"Don't." Piper warns quietly, snatching her hand back. And Alex catches her again as she tries to retreat.
"Piper." Awe.
And Piper begins to tremble, her knuckles itch to become fists. Alex's eyes rise to meet hers and it's more than she can take.
"Stop the car." She's quiet at first, barely restrained emotions warring under her skin, under Alex's gaze.
"What? The cab driver asks. They're still several blocks from her apartment.
"STOP THE CAR."
He pulls over abruptly at her outburst and she hurls herself from the car before it's even fully stopped. She's halfway down the block before Alex catches up with her once more. She's calling her name. Piper keeps walking. She grabs her wrist. Piper spins, fist poised, and Alex retreats, hands raised in silent surrender.
"Piper." She pushes. Pleads.
"What?" Piper hisses.
"You're... I... you're my soulmate." She stutters.
Piper freezes, eyeing her angrily. (She's mocking me. How dare she. After all she's done tonight.) "I don't have a soultmate."
"Piper." She takes a step forward, Piper's fists clench, she stops. "Look."
She lowers her hands, rolls up her sleeves, presents her knuckles. Scarred. Familiar.
And Piper falters. Shakes her head. Steps back.
"No. I-" Her eyes dart around helplessly. She's drunk. It's late. She's confused. Alex is wrong. She must be. She doesn't have a soulmate. "Leave me alone."
She turns to leave, she needs to get home, she needs to bury herself in her bed, she needs to forget. This night. This woman. This bad dream.
But Alex is persistent, and she takes another step forward as Piper retreats. "Wait!" Piper pauses. "At least let me walk you home. I promised I'd see you home. At least let me keep my word."
Piper eyes her wearily, already knowing she's powerless to deny this woman.
"Fine." She turns again, begins walking toward her home. "But don't... touch me."
Alex follows.
She spends the night on Piper's couch.
It takes her awhile to trust Alex. Even longer to become comfortable with her. But Alex is patient. And Alex is kind.
She lets Piper set the pace. She lets Piper call the shots. She lets Piper decide when they've spent enough time together and when they need to see each other. She lets Piper decide what sort of relationship it's going to be, and gradually Piper begins to open up. They've known each other several months when Piper eventually self destructs once again. Alex had been out of town, a three day business trip, when the scars of her knuckles begin to split open.
She calls Piper immediately, excusing herself from the conversation, stepping away from the noise of the bar.
It takes seven tries before she finally gets an answer. A text message. One word. Stop.
Alex calls her forty seven times that night, before Piper finally answers. It's nearing three in the morning and she's all but called a taxi, prepared to end her trip early, prepared to travel through the night, prepared to scour the entire city in search of Piper Chapman.
She's taken aback at first, falters slightly as the repetitive ringing finally clicks away. Silence.
"Piper?" She whispers hesitantly, as if speaking too loudly, too suddenly might scare her off, sever their connection, as if she's some wild animal, apt to flee at any moment. "Pipes?"
A sigh. (And Alex releases a heavy breath from her own lungs.)
They sit in silence for a moment, Alex finally sinking to the bed. Her room is dark. She'd lost track of the time somewhere amid her haste to reach Piper. Her head hangs heavy as she runs a hand through her hair, the sounds of their soft breathing filling the silence. The only tell that they were both there, both connected, both alive.
"What happened?" Alex finally whispers. And Piper sighs again (heavier, wetter). "Piper." She pleads.
"I'm sorry." She finally whispers.
"Are you okay?" Alex asks desperately. Willing herself to remain calm, to stay gentle.
A soft rustle drifts down the line as Piper nods, remembers Alex can't see her, "Yes."
"I'm coming home." Alex murmurs.
"You can't."
"I am."
"Alex, you can't. You can't just drop everything because of me."
"Piper." She sighs heavily. Tiredly. "I'm not dropping everything. I'm done here. We closed the deal earlier tonight. I'm coming home."
They fell silent once more. Listening to the soft huffs of each other's breath.
"You can't coddle me, Alex." Piper eventually murmurs. "You can't put your life on hold every time I get hurt."
And Alex squeezes her eyes shut as she moves to recline against the bed. "But I can be there to stop it."
And Piper's voice is soft. "You can't stop it."
They listen to each other's breathing for awhile. In two separate beds, in two dark rooms, in two separate places. Eventually Piper speaks again.
"Alex?"
"Yeah?" Their voices barely more than whispers.
"Don't hang up."
"I won't, kid."
Eventually they fall asleep. The steady tide of one another's gentle breathing drifting softly through their ears.
And when Alex returns home her sleepovers no longer include sleeping on the couch.
And her visits to Piper's apartment become longer and longer stays.
And Piper's no longer sure that she can sleep without the steady tide of Alex's breathing anymore.
They're somewhere between six months and a year when Piper finally decides what she wants.
She'd had another meltdown. Alex had pulled her struggling from a bar, into a side alley, stood silently as she directed her rage against the brick of the next building. The wounds of their knuckles splitting open once again, trails of red running down their hands. Eventually Piper relents. Sinks against the still standing wall, her back turned to Alex.
"Are you done?" Alex murmurs quietly.
Silence.
Alex sighs softly, ready to wait for Piper to gather herself.
"Why do you do this?" Piper's voice is soft when she speaks. Barely audible over the hum of the city.
Alex eyes her confusedly. "Do what?"
"This. Why do you do it. Why do you put it up with it. Why do you put up with me?"
"I love you."
Piper stiffens against the wall. "No you don't."
"Yes, I do."
Her fists clench and her eyes squeeze shut and she can feel Alex behind her and it reignites the burning anger she'd just tampered down.
She whirls to face the other woman.
"No you don't!"
"Yes I do, Piper." Exasperation. She's tired. But she reigns herself in. Her next words are gentler. "You're my soulmate."
"No I'm not."
"Yes you are, why do you keep saying that?" She's struggling to keep her patience. But it's been nearly a year and she doesn't know what else to do to prove that she loves her. To prove that she means it. And it hurts like a bitch every time Piper denies it. Denies her.
"Because I don't have a soulmate! I'm not worthy of anyone's love!"
"What?" She's taken aback, she needs to pause, they need to reexamine that, but Piper's striding forward.
"You insist on hanging around and pretending to care and saying you love me, Alex, but you don't! You don't! And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of you. Leave me, the fuck, alone!" She shoves her.
Alex stumbles backward, shocked at Piper's sudden display of aggression. She'd seen her at her most violent but never directed at her.
She shoves her again and Alex's hands raise to grasp her arms. "Stop it!"
But Piper doesn't. She struggles harder against Alex's grip. Frees a fist. Slams it against Alex's jaw.
They fall apart abruptly, gasping.
It's silent as they stumble to opposite sides of the small alleyway. The only sounds the hum of the city around them and their heaving lungs as they attempt to recapture their breath. Alex rubs her jaw as she struggles to comprehend what just happened. Slowly she raises her gaze to the the other side of the alley where Piper stood, leaning against the wall. Her fingers tracing her own jaw lightly, a look of shocked confusion on her face. Alex pushes off her own wall, eyeing the blonde silently as she works through her shock. Faint beginnings of a bruise blossoming under her shaking fingers.
"I..."
Alex swallows heavily. Piper's gaze finally meets hers.
She waits.
Eventually Piper comes to her.
They travel back to Piper's apartment in silence. (But they haven't stopped touching since the alleyway.)
Piper had stepped into her arms, buried her face against Alex's neck. Alex had taken Piper's hand, led her quietly to the street. Piper had curled against her, dropped her head to Alex's shoulder as they settled into the taxi. And Alex had raised her hand, tangled her fingers through Piper's hair as the city passed by around them. They took their coats and shoes off silently at the door. Led one another down the hall to the bathroom. And Alex ran a bath as Piper stood behind her, her arms around her waist, face buried against the back of her neck.
Alex undressed her slowly, helping her gently into the tub, and Piper's hand remained fisted against Alex's forearm until she was sure she wasn't going to leave.
She bathed in silence. Alex washed her hair. Traced her neck. Kissed her shoulder.
Wrapped her in the biggest towel she had when she pulled her from the cooling water.
They made their way to the bedroom quietly, and curled into each other on the same pillow. Their faces inches apart. Piper nuzzled her face against Alex's, struggling to gain control of all the emotions threatening to overtake her for the last several hours. And Alex holds her.
It's late when they finally begin talking. The bedroom has grown dark. Alex had begun wondering if Piper had finally fallen to sleep when she speaks into the thick blanketing darkness.
"I thought that..." She falters. "I wasn't supposed to have a soulmate."
Alex tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, fingers lingering against her cheek. Her thumb brushes softly.
"Why would you ever think that? Who told you you weren't worthy of anyone's love?"
Piper's vision swims before her as she works to make out Alex's face in the darkness, drops her gaze to the hand curled under Alex's cheek.
Alex's thumb continues to trace against her face. "I meant it... when I said I loved you, Piper. I've been waiting for you my entire life. Every time a new scar wove across my knuckles. Every time those old wounds split open again. I'd pray that you were okay. That you were safe. That you were aching for me as much as I was aching for you."
"But I've never felt you." Piper whispers hoarsely, eyes still tracing the scars of Alex's knuckles.
"Because I could never bring myself to inflict anymore harm on you than what you were already carrying." Alex whispers.
And Piper draws a shaky breath before pushing herself across the pillow and into Alex, capturing her lips with her own.
And Piper begins to cry.
And for the first time since Tiffany Doggett told her she wasn't worthy of anyone's love, Piper began to think that maybe she is.
Because I have a thing for self destructive Piper. I didn't really intend for it to be this long and I wasn't even sure it was an idea I was going to complete and publish at all, but I started writing this three hours ago and it all just sort of came pouring out. (Also, the whole boarding school/"unworthy of love"/fight scenario of Piper's past features in another, longer story I'm working on and it somehow worked it's way into this one before I could stop it. So this is a preemptive warning if you happen to recognize that plot detail in something else I write somewhere down the line and want to accuse me of being lazy and uncreative. It's fine. You're completely allowed to.) / I also want you guys to know that I've just finished rereading through all your comments and reviews and they absolutely slay me. Seriously, thank you so much for the continued support and the enthusiastic reviews. They never fail to make me grin like an idiot.