Author's note: Thank you, everyone, for the awesome reviews. I know I have said it before, but this is one of my favorite stories of the ones I have written, and I do promise that it will never be abandoned or neglected. I am happy with where it is and the direction in which it is heading, so it will be here for the long haul, just like me. Thank you for all of your time and awesome thoughts. Anytime you have a question or idea, or just want to say something, feel free to do. I appreciate any and all feedback. Thank you for reading, and I look forward to reading what everyone thinks of this next chapter. This scene took a lot of thought to balance the various reviews I received, and I hope everyone is happy. Let me know what you think. Please enjoy.
Casey was unable to formulate enough words for a proper sentence, or at least, not one that sounded coherent enough to convey what she was truly feeling. Truthfully, she didn't even know what she was feeling. Shock, of course. It wasn't that she had never seen a sex toy before. She had never had one used on her, but she wasn't naiive, by any means. She was also nervous, for reasons beyond the obvious ones. Obviously, she had had sex with men before, so how different could this be? But that didn't stop her from wondering if it felt the same, and how Olivia would know whether she was hurting her if she couldn't feel it.
But she was also nervous because of everything that had happened in the past several months. She wasn't sure if she was ready to feel anything that resembled being with a man, given what had happened to her. She had convinced herself that she was better, but her attack would always be in the back of her mind, even in her happiest moments. She would always have to think about it, for the rest of her life. Did it really help to do things that forced her to think about it?
"Casey, honey, are you okay?" Olivia sat on the bed, covering herself with a blanket as if sensing Casey's discomfort.
"Yeah," Casey answered quietly, finally finding her voice. "I'm fine," she lied.
Olivia gently ran her fingers through Casey's hair. "What's on that beautiful mind of yours?" she asked. "Are you upset?"
"No, I'm not upset," Casey replied. She sighed, shifting on the bed and covering herself up with the comforter. She suddenly felt incredibly naked and exposed. "Well, maybe I'm a little upset. I don't know if that's the right word. I'm...discombobulated." She took a deep breath, exhaling sharply. "I'm just confused," she added.
"Confused?" Olivia kissed the top of Casey's head, reaching into the bowl of strawberries, which was now resting on the nightstand beside the bed, and offering one to Casey. As the redhead took it and began to nibble on it, Olivia sighed softly. "It's because of the toy, isn't it?" she questioned. "I knew it was too soon."
"No!" Casey interjected quickly. Too quickly. She could practically feel Olivia's suspicion burrowing into her. "Not just the toy," she qualified. She sighed, an uncomfortable silence settling over them. Finally, Casey turned so she could face Olivia. "It's not about the toy. It's really not. It's just...it's what it represents. I mean, it's one thing to have sex with a man. They can feel how deep they are going, or whether they are hurting someone. How do you control the toy? You can't feel how deep it is going, can you? It's an inanimate object, and you have little control over it."
Olivia shook her head. "It's not like that," the brunette assured her. "It may be an issue for someone who has never used one before and does not know what they are doing, but not for me. I know what I'm doing, Casey. I'm not a novice."
"I know," Casey mumbled, feeling her exasperation levels rise. "But how do you control it?"
"Very carefully," Olivia answered. "Casey, I would never hurt you. You know that, don't you?"
Casey nodded. "I know," she answered. And if she was being completely honest with herself, her questions were just an excuse for what she was really feeling, but she didn't know how to voice those worries out loud. She didn't want Olivia to think she didn't want her, or worse: that she didn't trust her. She sighed, sitting up and propping herself up against her pillows on the bed. "Olivia, I don't know what to do," she confessed finally. "I know it's not a man, but I look at it, and I..I keep trying to tell myself it's not a man, but I also can't help it. It was obviously modeled off of one, and it represents one. What if I start thinking about the past? What if I'm not better? What if everything falls apart again?"
Olivia was silent for a long time. When she finally answered, her words couldn't have been more comforting. "Honey, it's not a man," she answered. "Just because it looks like a man and maybe serves the same function doesn't mean it is. It's not about the toy itself. It's about the person controlling it, which, in this case, would be me. I've been called a lot of things over the years, but no one has called me a man..not yet anyway."
"Very funny," Casey murmured, managing to crack a smile.
Olivia nodded, and Casey didn't have to look to know that she was smiling, too. "You have to understand the difference between a real man and a piece of rubber. Some people may use it because they hope to emulate a man, but there is so much more to it. There's so much to enjoy, and so much to get from it. But I would never do anything to hurt you, physically or otherwise. And I'm not going to ask you to do something that makes you uncomfortable. I'll put it away, alright? I shouldn't have even brought it out. I knew you weren't ready."
Casey opened her mouth to speak as Olivia stood up, but no words came out. A thousand thoughts rushed through her brain at an almost painful speed. Each thought collided with all of the others, until her brain felt like a convoluted scramble of electrodes and neurons. "Olivia," she said quietly, reaching out and taking Olivia's hand once Olivia was within an accessible distance on her way to the bathroom.
"What, baby?" Olivia asked, looking down at her.
"I want to try it," Casey murmured, realizing as she said it, just how true it was. She was tired of being a victim, tired of people treating her like one. She was tired of people avoiding certain words or actions around her, for fear that she was too delicate and would fall apart. She was tired of her past infringing on her present and future, tired of letting two men she didn't know run her life.
"Casey, no. I don't want you to feel like you have to do something just to make me happy. You make me happy just by being you. I love you. I only want you to be happy."
Casey nodded. "I know," she answered. "But what you said made sense. I wouldn't be having sex with a man and finding similarities in their aftershave or facial hair to those bastards. I would be having sex with my beautiful girlfriend, the woman I love with everything I have, and you made me realize that it's not the same. A physical similarity is not the same. I don't look at a man on the street and think about the past. And it certainly won't feel the same. Therefore, I think I will be alright."
"Are you sure?" Olivia asked, sitting beside her. Casey moved her feet so Olivia could sit down comfortably. "I don't want you to get hurt, sweetie. I want you to be comfortable."
"I will be," Casey assured her, smiling. She reached for Olivia's hand again. "I was worried about those things, of course, but you made me realize how misplaced my concerns were. They say if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck...but this is different, isn't it? It's an extension of you, not of a man, and I trust you. I trust you with anything. I know that you wouldn't try anything if it would hurt me." Casey knew she was rambling, which was odd for her, but she didn't care. She had a thousand emotions swirling in her mind at once, and they were all fighting for exposure. And she fully trusted Olivia, of course, and wanted to assure her that she wasn't changing her mind to make Olivia happy, but to make herself happy.
"Okay," Olivia said slowly. "Are you sure?"
"I'm sure," Casey murmured.
Olivia gently climbed on top of her, kissing the younger woman softly. "If you want me to stop at any time, all you have to do is say so, and I will. And if you do happen to think about..them..we will stop. Okay?"
Casey nodded. "Okay," she agreed. She had never been with anyone as understanding and as loving as Olivia was. She looked up, noticing that Olivia was hesitating. "Now you're not sure?" she questioned. "Wow, we make a great couple, don't we?"
Olivia shook her head. "I'm not hesitating," she answered. "I...don't want to lose control," she stated. "Casey, I thought I was okay, but now that I'm sitting here, I'm beginning to feel like a criminal with a loaded gun. I've gotten rough so many times...I'll never forgive myself if I hurt you like that."
Casey wrapped her arms around Olivia's neck, meeting the older woman's beautiful chocolate brown gaze. "You just told me to tell you if it hurts at all," she murmured. "I'm not worried that you will hurt me at all, so you shouldn't be, either. I don't care what happened in your past, Olivia. I don't care how rough you were with your past lovers or how often you lost control, as you put it. I trust you not to do that with me. I trust you to treat me differently. I trust you to treat me like your lover, rather than your human sex toy. I love you, Olivia. If you can see that, then you can understand why you won't hurt me."
Olivia smiled. "I love you too," she replied, kissing the younger woman gently. "And if you trust me that much, then I suppose I should trust myself. But listen to me carefully. If you feel uncomfortable at all, you need to tell me. Tell me right away, and we'll stop."
"I will," Casey promised. "But I won't have to. Because you won't hurt me." She trusted Olivia fully. It was a little disconcerting to see her normally confident, if domineering, girlfriend so...worried. Olivia was clearly doubting herself and her ability to switch from fuck mode to love mode, as it were, but Casey also loved her for it. It was a small crack in the older woman's armor that illuminated just how different Olivia wanted her to be. It meant she loved her, and that, in itself, was a beautiful thing.
Olivia leaned down and kissed her again, pulling her out of her thoughts. Within a few moments later, Casey felt the older woman situating herself on the bed, steadying herself in the best position. Casey closed her eyes, and within seconds, arched her body at the feeling of the toy gently penetrating her. Olivia let out the tiniest groan, and Casey once more reached for her hand, entwining their fingers, her legs tangling around Olivia's waist. And as Olivia made love to her, at no point did she think about her past. This was her present and future, with the woman she loved with everything she had. This was their future together.