New Romantics

by NightsLightss

a collection of one shots based on various AU's from around the internet.

19. Chapter 19

inspired by various band prompts and maybe, a little bit, Walk The Line and The Runaways
huge thank you to orange dandelion
(who lit a fire under my ass and actually turned this story into a legitimate thing instead of a half-assed collection of a million random ideas)
(this story is just as much hers as it is mine in the end, and so I just want to say thank you and I love you, you cheeky bitch)

---

It started in a garage.

A noisy way to kill those long summer days. A wild release of pent up anger and frustration. A far-fetched dream to chase in an attempt to escape from the desolate nowehereness of the town. Alex's mom was hesitatingly encouraging. Supportive of her daughter's endeavors in the way a mother should be, but cautious in the way someone who's seen the darker side of it is. Nicky's mother didn't care at all.

They could have done it all at Nicky's. The bigger house, thicker walls, better equipment, all made a more nurturing environment for a budding musical career. But they wanted the full experience. So they dragged what they could of Nicky's equipment to Alex's garage. Alex's mother was rarely home anyway and the neighbors only complained if it went on past six.

They never intended to get serious about it.

Alex bought her first guitar when they were twelve, a grungy old thing tossed out at the local thrift store. She'd already gotten a taste for playing from the limited lessons the school music teacher was able to impart on her, and she found herself hooked. It'd been easy to convince Nicky to join her. She'd always had an unbridled energy and wild fondness for banging on things and noise. Her mother never questioned it when she asked for the money for a drum kit. They practiced relentlessly. Feverishly. Driven by wild dreams of fame and the intoxicating drive of youth. Eventually Nicky added a mixer, allowing them to expand their sound to a fuller range without expanding their band. She'd offered countless times to buy Alex a new guitar before finally understanding the brunette's need to achieve it on her own. On Alex's sixteenth birthday she bought her first real instrument.

Gradually they began to understand that they were serious about it.

By the time they graduated high school they had an impressively growing collection of equipment. They'd started playing small paying gigs junior year. Birthday parties, battle of the bands, graduation parties. It was enough to keep them funded. The summer before senior year Nicky bought them a van. Alex protested at first, insisting Nicky allow her to pay her share, but the wild-haired girl shut her down quickly, telling her she could pay her back by never making her pay for gas. It was an agreement.

The remainder of the summer, and most weekends of the following year were spent traveling to gigs outside of town. Their grades dropped but their spirits soared and finally, after graduating high school by the skin of their teeth they were free. Music took full control of their lives and soon they were graduating from small parties to small bars. Word of mouth spread and eventually they were on the college circuit. Traveling from town to town and being offered exclusive nights at the more popular bars.

The perks began to roll in with their newly budding fame and soon they found themselves rarely without bedmates. College girls, Nicky declared one night, were the greatest thing to ever happen to them. Wild, experimental, and drunk on the newfound freedom of life away from Mommy and Daddy's watchful eyes. Rarely were they looking for anything more than a one night stand, and rarely did it take anything more than "I'm in the band" to peak their interest. They were rough and raw and in the prime of their lives and nothing could hold them down. Life had never been better.

Eventually though, Nicky began to notice a pattern to their travels.

She'd casually brought it up one night after a particularly well received gig, after they'd gotten just enough drinks into them.

"I notice this is the third time this month we've swung through Northampton," she mutters casually, "maybe we should rework our route a little, span out."

Alex's answer is immediate, "Why? I like it here. They like us here. And what's it matter if the pay's good?"

"'Ey, 'ey, I was just wonderin'," she mumbles, raising her hands in conceding defeat. She doesn't miss the way Alex's eyes scan the room every time the chimes above the door jingle. She opts for smiling knowingly into her drink. She'll let Alex have her secrets for now.

They were holed up in their motel room, one of their rare off days between close gigs in which they could actually kick back for a moment and relax, when Alex came swaying in.

"Well, well. Look who's finally decided to stumble home. Where have you been, missy?" Nicky drawls teasingly from the bed.

Alex can't quite keep the grin off her face when she answers, "Out."

"You dog." They share a laugh before she mutters, "you better watch it, Vause. You look positively smitten."

It would be a look she came to memorize.

The first time Nicky saw her, the object of Alex's new-found affections, was later that night. The brunette's gaze usually swept the crowd, teasing out a handful of girls, meeting Nick'ys between notes with a knowing grin. But that night it stayed fixed. A cute young blonde in the corner was gazing up at Alex adoringly and Nicky couldn't help the smirk that bloomed across her lips as the final pieces fell into place.

They stripped the stage quickly, Alex tossing a casual "Catch up later, Nichols!" over her shoulder before slipping into the crowd.

When she stumbled in hours later, same hazy grin alighting her face, their eyes locked and Nicky grinned, "what's her naaame?", and a blush of red tinged across the taller girl's cheeks (Nicky couldn't tell if it was the alcohol or the infatuation).

"Piper," she breathed adoringly, and Nicky laughed.

She likes to say that was the moment she knew.

.

Alex Vause meets Piper Chapman in a bar.

She'd been smitten from the moment she saw her. A shock of blonde hair bobbing through the crowd during one of their nights at a more popular bar, but she'd disappeared by the time Alex climbed from the stage. The second time they came, Alex caught sight of her shining blue eyes immediately, but she'd slipped away again before Alex could approach. The third time she'd come with a date, and Alex had taken another blonde home and fucked her senseless out of misplaced frustration before slipping out of her bed after she fell to sleep.

They'd been coming to Northampton for just over a month when Alex finally makes her move.

They were between gigs, a rare off day that she opted to spend building her tab in the bar as Nicky slept off a hangover back at their motel. She'd been drinking for an hour when the familiar head of blonde hair wanders in. She wastes no time approaching her.

Her eyes alight beautifully when she turns to see Alex.

"Aren't you in that band?" She asks after a few moments of teasing banter.

Alex laughs. She smiles. They share a drink.

They talk for hours before Alex finally invites her to their show later.

"Not that you really need an invitation..." she grins, "since you haven't missed a show yet."

"Oh, so you've noticed me?" Piper's eyes alight with unabashed glee and Alex smiles quietly into her drink.

"I may have seen you around."

"Hmmm..." Piper hums happily, "I've seen you around too," Alex sat up straighter as the girl leaned in towards her, "and I should probably confess I haven't exactly been coming for the music..."

Unable to fight the growing smirk upon her lips, Alex raises an eyebrow, "Is that so?"

"It is," Piper whispers, her gaze dropping to Alex's lips before meeting her eyes once again with a mischievous grin, "your drummer is wicked hot."

A bark of laughter escapes Alex's lungs and Piper watches her adoringly.

"Yeah, Nicky's somethin' else," their gazes met once more, "I taught her everything she knows though."

"Did you?"

"I did." Alex leans in now, their faces inches apart, "and I can promise you I'll show you a way better time that Nicky Nichols ever could."

The promise hangs thick in the air as they part ways to prepare for their re-meeting.

Alex's eyes never leave Piper as they play through their set and she jumps from the stage and into the crowd the second they finish. Piper takes her hand and leads her into the night.

.

Nicky hounds her for DAYS following her giddy admission.

"You fuck her?", "What's she like?", "She was cute, from the three seconds I saw of her.", "She's not gonna get in the way of the music, is she? 'Cause I swear, Vause, we are NOT big enough for a Yoko Ono yet.", "When you gonna let me meet her.", "I needa shake the hand of the woman who managed to fell the mighty Alex Vause." Alex brushes them off easily enough until Nicky finally askes "What kinda face does she make when she cums?"

"I don't know, Nicky! I haven't fucked her yet!"

"What!?" Nicky exclaims, and Alex is sure, had she not been driving, that the van would have come to a screeching halt, "Are you serious? What the fuck have you been doin' with her then!?"

She shifts uncomfortably in her seat for a moment, "We're just... talking."

"Vause..." Nicky tsks, "is this girl even on the level?"

"She's on the level, Nicky, trust me."

"Well, 'the fuck you know if ya haven't fucked her?"

"I know." Alex murmurs.

"Vause."

"We haven't been entirely celibate, Nichols!" She finally explodes. "We're just... taking it slow," she trails off for a moment, her voice soft when she speaks again, "I like her."

"Ah, fuck." Nicky sighs, "C'mere, ya big lug," she mutters, throwing an arm around Alex as they wait for a light. "I'm happy for ya. Never thought I'd see the day." Their gazes lock as she levels a teasingly threatening finger at her friend, "don't fuck it up."

.

Piper Chapman soon after becomes a staple of their lives.

They find a way to weave all their paths possible through Northampton. Eventually coming upon the end of the school year, Alex murmurs to Nicky one quiet night after she asks her what's got her so thoughtful that Piper's graduating. She offers her quiet condolences before slipping from the room to leave the brunette to her thoughts.

They're out of town for three weeks just before Piper's graduation, hold ups and rescheduled gigs throwing their plans out of balance and keeping them longer than they'd initially intended. Alex drops Nicky off at their usual motel before heading over to Piper's. The house is dark when she arrives and her call goes directly to voicemail before she shoots off a quick text, settling into the front seat of the van.

She's smoking a cigarette against the side door an hour later when a loud group of girls turns the corner at the end of the street, stumbling against one another and laughing.

"Alex!" A familiar voice calls when they draw closer and the group pauses, quieting. She tosses her cigarette to the ground, stubbing it out with her toe before she's enveloped by a pair of arms. Piper's lips are on her own and she can taste the alcohol on them (she's sure Piper can taste the cigarettes on hers), "When'd'you get in? Why didn'you call?"

"I did," she murmurs gently, a soft grin breaking out across her features at the blonde's drunken slurring and overt affection, "you didn't answer."

"My phone died!" Piper suddenly exclaims, and Alex laughs. She's tired and sore and somewhat annoyed that she's just spent an hour sitting outside Piper's empty apartment, but all of that vanishes from her mind the second she's holding the blonde. Burying her face into Alex's neck, Piper murmurs, "'m glad you're back. 'Missed you."

She gazes over the blonde's head, watching as her friends file one by one into the house, whispering quietly to one another and shooting not so inconspicuous, curious glances over their shoulders at the couple.

"I missed you too, kid," she murmurs, burying her face against Piper's hair and inhaling her scent, "too much."

They stay holding each other a moment, content in the quiet summer night and one another's arms. Alex's fingers thread gently through Piper's golden locks, as the younger girl's hands weave their way into the cool material of her jacket. Eventually Piper pulls away, grasping her hand and leading them towards the door.

A few of the girls are sprawled out across the couches and floor as they make their way through the living room, another passes them in the hallway, eyeing them silently.

"Night, Polly," Piper murmurs as she tugs Alex along behind her.

"Night, Pipes."

They undress each other silently before Piper's bed, Alex watching from her position against the pillows as Piper shimmies out of her panties before crawling in beside her. They touch each other languidly and gently, falling apart with soft gasps and quiet shudders again and again before Piper finally succumbs to exhaustion. Alex traces gentle patterns against her skin.

"You're quiet tonight," Piper murmurs softly, lifting a hand to trace against Alex's collarbone. The initial haze of alcohol has burned off, leaving her sleepy and slow. Alex captures her wandering hand, dropping a gentle kiss to her palm as she plays with Piper's fingers. "What's wrong?" Piper's brow furrows in confusion and Alex can't help but smile at the sight.

"You're cute," she murmurs, leaning in to press a kiss against her still furrowed brow before pulling back with a sigh, "I met my dad..." Piper stills, quietly waiting for Alex to continue, "He offered us a gig. Like... a pretty big gig."

"Alex that's great!" Piper exclaims softly. Alex continues to study her hand. "What's wrong?"

"It's a cross country thing," Alex murmurs, and Piper's face falls.

"Oh." She regains herself quickly, "but, I mean, this is what you wanted, right? A chance to finally pull some real crowds?"

"Yeah..." Alex murmurs distractedly. She leans once more to capture Piper's lips.

It's the last they speak about it for the night.

.

They stay grounded for a week.

Piper's graduation approaches with the coming weekend and it's an unspoken understanding that Alex will freak out should they happen to miss it. Nicky makes sure there's no chance of that by quietly forgetting to book anything new until at least midway through the following week. It's a welcomed vacation after the near-month spent away (Nicky won't admit the town's come to grow on her too, New Jersey will always be their home but Northampton has become their home away from).

It's not until the day after Piper's graduation that Alex brings it up again.

They hadn't spoken about it since that night, save for Piper asking when they'd be leaving.

They're lounging around Piper's room, her roommates out for the night, day two of their weekend-long, post-graduation bender. Alex watches intently as Piper's hips sway to the soft music drifting through the room around them. She's lazily packing her things, reminding Alex of their dwindling time.

"Spend the summer with me," she suddenly says after the blonde turns to toss her a slow smile.

"What?" Piper murmurs, pausing her task, turning to face the older girl once more.

"Spend the summer with me," she repeats. "You're done with school, your lease is up, the only concrete plan you have is 'move back in with my parents', which I know you'll hate..." she trails off, leaning off the bed towards the slowly approaching blonde, "this summer is going to be the last time in who knows how long that we'll really have to spend together."

"Alex, I... I mean... I wouldn't have a job, or..."

"You don't need one," Alex murmurs, wrapping her arms around her now that she stood enough to the bed, "we're making more than enough money to get by already. And we'll be making almost triple that when the tour kicks off in August." She fidgets nervously, suddenly self-conscious. Her next words coming out softer, "I don't wanna say goodbye to you. To this. Not yet." Her lips brush Piper's collarbone, a gentle kiss, "I want you to come with us," she leans into her, their bodies meeting as their lips hover over each other.

"C'mon, babe..." Alex murmurs and Piper is powerless to resist, "I want you to come."

"Okay."

"Okay?" Alex repeats, suddenly giddy. She's holds back though, waiting for confirmation, as if afraid she'd somehow misheard the girl, "Okay?"

"Yes."

They spend the next few hours tangled in each other and Piper's bed sheets before she finally rises, pulling Alex's discarded t-shirt over herself and beginning to prepare for the trip. She starts with the calls. One to Polly explaining the decision, asking for cover. One to her parents to relay the newly planned lie ("Yeah, Polly and some of the girls and I decided it'll be good for us, one last hurrah before we really enter the adult world, y'know, for good.") Alex watches her sleepily from the bed and absently notes that Piper, in her borrowed shirt and nothing else, freshly disheveled from their tumble through the sheets, and packing for their next destination together, is a sight she could get used to.

She falls to sleep with a smile on her lips.

.

They plan tentatively.

They've got just over three months before the Death Maiden tour kicks off.

Three months to formulate their own travels. Three months to follow wild desire and unbridled hearts. Nicky wastes no time planning a wider map of travel. Intending to cover as much of the east coast in the short span of time that they have before heading to New York to meet up with the tour. Polly's renting a place in the city and they agree to look at it as a tentative end point as far as planning ahead goes.

And so they spend the summer traveling.

Making their way state to state, playing in venues and on campuses they've not yet discovered but will surely be invited back to. It rolls on around them haze of blurred nights and the invincibility of wild youth. They head west (Piper telling them which towns to hit and which to avoid as they pass through her neck of Connecticut), opting to avoid NYC as they pass through the state ("A grand finale of sorts... it'd ruin the effect to hit it now!"), it doesn't take them long to reach New Jersey. Deciding to spend a week in their old town, Nicky calls it a "deep breath before the plunge". A mini vacation of sorts before the solid weeks of nonstop travel really kick in.

She abandons them almost the instant they roll into the small town ("Not that I don't love the shit outta you two, but if I'm gonna spend the next three months crammed inside a smelly van, moving from shitty motel bed to shitty motel bed, then I'd like to spend as much time with my own bed as possible. You understand." departing with a wink and a knowing smirk, tossing a teasing "Have fun!" over her shoulder as she disappears) and they stay sitting in the van a moment, sharing timid, giddy smiles before Alex throws it into reverse and directs them toward her own home.

Her mother's in the apartment when they arrive, Alex having called the night before to let her know they'd be arriving sometime the following afternoon. She sets aside whatever she was doing to smother her daughter in a fierce hug, dropping a multitude of kisses against the side her head as Alex grumbles good-naturedly (but Piper doesn't miss how her arms tense just as fiercely around the older woman's frame). Introductions are made and Piper finds herself swept up as the older woman's arms grasp her shoulders, scrutinizing the girl who's captured the affections of her daughter before allowing her face to break out in a large grin ("So you're the famous Piper, huh? It's good to finally meet ya, I've heard enough about ya that I feel like I already know you." And when she chuckles Piper does too, comforted at the thought that she's not the only who feels as though this isn't just a first meeting).

The van stays parked outside Alex's house for the entire week. Opting to travel by her mother's car instead, they all agree a break away from their "home on wheels" is some much needed relief right now. They spend their first night in. Piper exploring Alex's room quietly as the older girl busies herself with unpacking various items of clothing. Eventually Alex finishes, pulling the wandering blonde to the bed with her gently. They lay facing each other a moment, imparting quick gentle kisses on one another's lips interspersed with soft giggles.

Alex takes her through the town by day, sharing with her all the places that formed she and Nicky into the people they are. Piper laps it all up with eager eyes and enchanted questions and suddenly Alex finds herself loving all the places she once couldn't wait to escape from. She takes her to different places at night, secret places, that hold a little more meaning, but have never held more meaning than they do now, with the blonde at her side.

She takes her to the drive-in one night, Diane's night off leaving them with unlimited access to the car.

They're cuddled against each other, Piper murmuring softly as the movie plays, a million different questions about the part of Alex's life she'd missed. Eventually Alex lets slide that it happened to be the spot where she'd lost her virginity, a million nights ago on another summer evening not unlike this one. Piper falls silent, studying her quietly at the soft admission and Alex turns to meet her curious gaze.

"What're you thinking?"

She smiles slowly, eyeing the brunette through a hazy half-lidded gaze, "That I wish I'd grown up in a back-alley town in New Jersey instead of rural Connecticut."

Alex chuckles lowly, settling further into Piper's body, "Why do you say that?"

"Because I think losing my virginity in the back of my mother's car to the town's resident bad girl would've been a much more pleasant memory than losing it in the backseat of Jimmy Shepard's pickup truck after a winning football game."

Their foreheads are resting gently against one another by the time she finishes speaking, and they gaze into each other's eyes with a deepness they've not yet shared before this moment. Alex raises a hand to tuck a stray strand of hair behind Piper's ear before bringing their lips together slowly. Their eyes fall closed as they pepper gentle, languid kisses across one another's lips, Alex eventually sliding her mouth against Piper's ear to whisper, "I'm so glad we decided to skip that stupid football game tonight. I can show you a much better time than Jimmy Shepard."

She pulls back, Piper eyeing her confusedly for a moment before catching on, "Me too..." she fixes Alex with a look of such innocence that it nearly breaks her heart in two, and she drags her thumb gently across the blonde's lip as she continues, "I've had such a huge crush on you for such a long time... I never thought you'd actually be interested in a girl like me."

Cocking her head slightly, a small grin works it's way across Alex's face as she continues to trace the blonde's lower lip, "What do you mean?"

"I mean... you're so cool and I'm so... not. I never thought you'd even notice me."

"You're the only thing I've noticed," Alex murmurs, pulling her in for a soft kiss that slowly becomes more.

She's leaning over Piper, encouraging her to lay against her back across the cool cushions of the back seat. Nestled between the blonde's legs, her fingers dip teasingly under the hem of her shirt as Piper gasps softly beneath her.

"Piper," she whispers, "have you ever done this before?"

"No." The blonde hushes. "But I trust you."

Alex eyes her quietly a moment before leaning up to connect their lips in a deep kiss once more. Her hands cup Piper's jaw as the deepens the kiss, her thumbs tracing gently across her cheekbones before pulling away. She undresses her slowly (slower than Jimmy Shepard ever did in the backseat of his old pickup truck) and she touches her gently (gentler than Jimmy Shepard ever did in his haste to lose his own virginity), and Piper sighs quietly (more overwhelmed by emotion than she'd ever been with any of the boys she'd slept with before Alex).

"I like the line between your belly and your thighs," Alex whispers softly, her fingers trailing a burning path across Piper's skin as she pushes her shirt slowly up her stomach. Her lips follow, still murmuring, "The smell of your hair, the sparkle in your eyes." (and Piper's legs tremble when she hears those words repeated a week later into the mic in the middle of a show.)

Her exploration is a gentle one, as if truly discovering the girl beneath her for the first time. They take their time, fumble like two awkward kids against the constrained confines of the car, swallow one another's soft gasps and gentle exclamations as it all becomes too much. The credits have begun to roll when Alex hands her her shirt back, murmuring a gentle "I love you." against her lips.

It's the first time she's said it and Piper freezes, caught in a wave of emotions before breathing out something between a laugh and a sigh against the older girl's lips.

"I love you too."

They spend their last night in town in Alex's living room.

Diane's out with some friends for the evening, at Alex's soft insistence that she not put her life on pause for them. Piper's spent a good fifteen minutes flipping through her impressive record collection before settling on a decision, and Lou Reed's voice drifts quietly from the speakers around the room. Alex occasionally strums along here and there as she fiddles with one of her old guitars when Piper begins to sing along softly. Alex's gaze flicks from the strings of the guitar, fingers stilling, as she watches the blonde slowly sway beside the record player.

Her fingers begin moving on their own accord and soon she's playing along to the music. Piper turns, throwing a half-lidded look over her shoulder as Alex's strumming begins to pick up. The rest of her body follows, as she leans back to balance against the old record player, dipping low as she twists in her slow dance. Her eyes meet Alex's as she continues to sing softly, the world melting away around them as they get lost in their own private show. A quiet performance for each other and no one else.

Eventually Piper sways close enough to Alex, sliding slowly over her lap, effectively stilling her hands on the guitar between them as the final notes of the song fade away. Murmuring the final few words against Alex's lips as she slowly sets the guitar to the side, pulling the blonde more fully against her. They kiss languidly, unhurriedly, losing track of the time and themselves as Alex's hands slide up Piper's sides before running down her back and slipping under her thighs. Eventually she stands, hefting Piper into her arms, their lips never breaking, even as Piper grins giddily against her mouth. A laugh escapes her throat, Alex claiming it as her own, as she slowly makes their way to her room.

The roll out just after dawn. Alex and her mother sharing a slightly teary-eyed hug outside their apartment before breaking apart. Piper keeps her eyes lowered, giving them their privacy as she hefts their bags of freshly washed clothes into the van. She's eventually pulled into her own hug though, as she make her way over to Alex. Momentarily struck by the older woman's gesture of affection, Piper's arms soon raise to return the embrace.

"And don't you be such a stranger," Diane murmurs teasingly into the blonde's hair before they pull apart.

Piper watches as Diane grows smaller and smaller when the van pulls away, taking them towards Nicky's house and the rest of the summer. She'd liked the older woman. She'd held a warming sort of acceptance that Piper never quite got from her own mother. Alex had explained to her in bed one night about how her mother had met her father, and Piper had listened in quiet intrigue at the woman's travels with the band she'd fallen in love with. She wondered if Diane had seen some of herself in her, in the veiled looks they'd shared sometimes when Alex's back was turned as she rambled on about her music. She stares until Diane disappears from view.

Nicky's waiting for them when they pull up outside her house.

A wry grin decorating her face and thick aviator sunglasses hiding her eyes. She teases them a bit, good-natured heckling about how they spent their week, before turning her attentions to matters at hand. Alex and her discuss travel plans for awhile, Piper dozing on and off as New Jersey passes by around them. Eventually Nicky falls silent, a parting mutter about "way too damn early" and catching up on her beauty sleep, before she begins to doze as well. Alex's fingers thread through Piper's hair as she watches the road and listens to the steady breathing filling the silence of the van. She thinks about her mother and her father and the endless summer stretched before them and as Piper shifts gently against her and Nicky lets out a quiet grunt she thinks there's nowhere else she'd rather be.

.

They continue their two beds, single room arrangement, Nicky managing to find willing bodies to take her home often enough for Alex and Piper to have nights to themselves.

There are nights though when Nicky doesn't manage to find any intriguing girls amongst the crowd, and instead graces them with her presence, sticking around after cleanup has finished and the show is long over. Sometimes they hang around the bar, Alex wrapped firmly around Piper, front pressed against the blonde's back as they share a drink, Nicky in the stool beside them blowing smoke rings or regaling them with some tale or another. Sometimes they finish packing the van and drive aimlessly until they find the town's most inviting 24-hour diner and pick at desserts or fries, sipping at coffee or milkshakes until they can no longer keep their eyes open and they're the only souls left in the dining room. And sometimes they head straight back to the hotel, and collapse tiredly into the beds, taking turns traveling through the bathroom and pulling on pajamas quietly, soft teasing conversations and lighthearted nonsensical observations being volleyed back and forth in hushed voices. Sometimes Nicky turns the TV on and they make fun of whatever local access programs they can find in the late hours of the night.

Other nights they're restless.

Piper has never been one to misbehave. Not before abandoning her after-college plans and expectations to follow her secret girlfriend's band state to state. Not before Alex and Nicky came into her life. She's never held a can of spray paint before Nicky and the night she decides they need to add their own tag to an already decorated wall in a small and sleepy town on the outskirts of Virginia. She's never swam in anything less than a bikini until Alex and the night she convinces her to shed her clothes and follow her into a not entirely secluded motel pool. And she's never tried anything stronger than alcohol until the night they find themselves at some wild party after a show and someone passes her a cigarette that turns out to not be a cigarette at all. Alex takes it from her hand, draws a lung full of smoke and passes it to Nicky who in turn does the same. Everything gets fuzzy at some point and by the end of the night she's taking turns sharing lung fulls of the tangy smoke with Alex (drawing a breath, filling their lungs, connecting their mouths, and letting go), and Piper's later struck by just how little she's actually bothered by it.

.

Alex eventually comes to learn that Piper likes to write.

She's rifling through an assortment of what can only be described as junk in the van when she happens upon a worn old notebook. Picking it up curiously, she thumbs through a couple pages before coming to recognize Piper's sharp handwriting. Her eyes skim over a handful of words, picking up on an eventual pattern. Poetry. Piper was writing poems.

She spends several minutes gazing through the collections of words, memorizing what she can. She vaguely wonders when the blonde's found the time to fill so many pages of the book, as she's never seen her with it before. Her fingers trace across the scatterings of ink as she reads through each poem, one by one, until the light begins to change and the motel door swings open. A barrage of questions and giggling laughter tumbles through the open door at her ("YO, VAUSE, YOUR GIRL AND I GOT TIRED OF WAITING FOR YA AND DECIDED TO ELOPE TOGETHER! IN THE EVENT THAT YOU'RE STILL ACTUALLY ALIVE DOWN THERE PLEASE CONSIDER SLEEPING IN THE VAN TONIGHT AS WE'LL BE NEEDING THE ROOM TO CONSUMMATE OUR MARRIAGE!" "Alex! Don't listen to her! I still believe you're out there, I refuse to give up on you, baby, please come home!") and she bites back a grin, tucking the old notebook back where she found it.

They're sprawled across the floor between the two beds, a mess of cards and half-finished beer bottles between them, laughing like children when she slips back into the room. And she can't quite help pausing in the doorway for a moment, watching two of the three people she loves most in the world as they laugh and throw cards at each other. And Piper's eyes alight when she catches sight of her lingering in the doorway, arms outstretching in a silent plea for her. And when she slides to the floor behind her, tugging her giggling body snugly against her own as Nicky harasses her with teasing grumbles about how long she'd taken she thinks there's nothing she'd trade this for in the world.

.

Eventually July gives way to August, and they're suddenly reminding of their fleeting time.

They kiss just a little more urgently, fuck just a little more desperately, hold each other just a little more tightly.

Nicky spends the last week out of the room for the most part, Piper and Alex desperately trying to soak up every last second they can in one another's presence.

They arrive in New York a day and half before the tour kicks off, spend an inordinate amount of time just standing outside of Polly's apartment, holding each other. Piper's eyes are hollow and misty when they pull apart (Alex isn't quite sure her's don't look the same). Piper tells her she's going to miss her at least thirty times, finally heaving a heavy, wet sigh as Nicky eventually realizes that they're not going to part on their own terms. She honks once, a gentle reminder to wrap it up as Alex tucks a strand of blonde hair behind an ear. "I'll call you," She promises against gasping lips as they share one final kiss before turning to climb back into the van. Piper watches them disappear completely before turning to follow Polly into the apartment.

They last nine hours.

It's three am when Piper's phone vibrates.

She rolls over, grabbing the almost-foreign object sluggishly before it can wake her housemate. She hasn't been to bed yet, unused to sleeping without Alex's steady breathing beside her, unused to soft beds and big open rooms and this new all encompassing loneliness. "Hello?"

"Pipes..."

The wind rushes from Piper's lungs as her heart skips a beat then begins thudding against her chest madly, as if trying to escape (as if trying reach the familiar husky timbre itself, Piper's ribs and lungs and body be damned), "Alex!"

They're whispering, she's not sure why, a gentleness to their voices as if each are afraid to shake the delicate bubble they know they shouldn't have created (not now, not a handful of hours before the tour when they should be attempting to reestablish their lives without one another) and yet...

"I just... I need..." Alex falters, silently angry with herself for reasons only clear to her, before finally murmuring, "I miss you."

"I miss you too." Piper whispers back, "Al..."

"I know."

They sit in silence for awhile (Piper loses track of how long, Alex has always been good at blurring her perception of time), finally Alex heaves a heavy wet sigh, not unlike the one that passed Piper's lips as they said their goodbyes, "I don't think I can do this, Pipes."

"What?"

"I can't even last eight fucking hours how am I gonna last six months to a year?"

"I know."

"I haven't been to sleep yet."

"Me either."

"I can't... I don't know how to sleep without you beside me anymore," Alex admits softly and Piper bites back some sort of sob.

"Me either."

"Piper..." She pauses. Her breath hitches. Piper's heart stills. "Come with me."

A whoosh of air leaves her lungs as the words leave Alex's lips. She knew her answer before Alex even asked. It's not even a question anymore. The hesitance of the first time she asked is gone, replaced with an overwhelming sense of sureness. This is where Piper is supposed to be. She's only been apart from Alex for eight hours but in this eight hours she's never felt more incomplete in her life.

"Where are you?"

"I'm outside Polly's apartment."

"I'll be down in a second."

She grabs her bag, untouched from where she flung it eight hours prior. Still packed as if they'd always known this arrangement was only temporary. She slips into Polly's room, shakes her awake, explains the situation, promises she'll call her when she's more awake to fully explain. Alex is leaning against the van when she tumbles through Polly's door several minutes later and the image is achingly familiar; Piper's suddenly transported back to the days spent in school. Month long stints apart, pining for one another's embrace, late night phone calls and the beautiful image of that familiar old van finally parked out front, Alex leaning tiredly against it.

She launches herself into Alex's arms, not breaking stride as she flies out of the house and down the stairs. Her bag abandoned, forgotten, at their feet as Alex's arms wrap possessively around her. They're lost in one another's lips, the rest of the world falling away around them as they rest their foreheads gently against each other.

"Hey," Alex breathes, a silent laugh.

"Hey."

They don't say anything else, heaving her bag into the van, climbing in side by side, pressing together grinning mouths, capturing wandering hands. Nicky is asleep when they slip quietly into the hotel room, though Piper thinks she catches sight of a knowing smirk as she tucks her head against Alex's chest. She buries her own grin in Alex's collarbone. Alex buries hers against the crown of Piper's head. And everything feels right again.

.

They meet the band early, checking their old van at a storage lot after depositing their things into the newly provided tour bus.

Smaller than the actual band's bus, but bigger than their own dingy van, they explore it in quiet wonder for a moment before busting into excited pearls of laughter. There's a small brunette behind the wheel and Nicky wastes no time chatting her up ("Okay, you absolutely gotta let me take a crack at drivin' this thing at some point."), leaving Piper and Alex to themselves for the time being.

Sliding onto their designated bunk, Piper watches as Alex finishes fiddling with a few of her things, eyes sweeping the expanse of the bus anxiously as she sinks to the edge of the bed beside her.

"Hey," she touches a gentle hand to Alex's back, rubbing smooth circles between her shoulder blades to catch her attention, "You okay?"

"Yeah, I just..." she breathes out shakily, "I can't believe this is happening, you know? It's all kind of... overwhelming."

Piper's hand continues it's gentle caresses and Alex turns, eyeing the blonde behind her before grinning giddily and swinging herself fully onto the small bed. They lie face to face, nose to nose, watching each other quietly before Piper stifles a yawn. Alex laughs.

"Are you tired?"

"A little bit... Someone kept me up all night last night." She narrows her eyes playfully.

Another quiet laugh escapes Alex's lips as she leans in to press them against Piper's, "Mmm... we should take a nap then."

"Mmmm..." Piper hums happily, "I think I could get used to being able to take a nap on a bed instead of the hard seat of a van for once."

Alex chuckles softly, tucking a strand of hair behind Piper's ear, "Me too, kid. Me too."

.

It's a good thing. For awhile.

They're playing for crowds they'd never imagined they could reach, traveling in a style they'd never thought they could afford. For a moment Alex allows herself to hope. To believe that this stupid pipe dream could actually turn out to be something and that maybe, for the first time in her life things will work. The band welcomes them enthusiastically, roaring laughter and clinking beer bottles shared over a loudly slurred toast after a successful first night, and as she shares a grin across the room with her father (father, she thinks, my fucking father).

For a moment Alex Vause allows herself to believe.

The parties are wild. One every night, multiples on the weekend, and Lee takes them to every one.

"Ya see, kid!" He exclaims one night, arm slinging around Alex as if letting her in on a secret, "THIS is what it's all about! Sex, drugs, and rock n roll!"

Alex laughs with him when he leans away, before turning her attention to the pair of arms sliding around her waist. Piper. She turns and presses a deep kiss to her waiting lips, grinning giddily against them when they part, "Hey."

"Hey," she responds, blue eyes shining, "you were great tonight, I don't think I've ever seen you so impassioned."

Alex grins once more, pressing another kiss to her lips before sliding to her ear to whisper something about showing her impassioned. Piper's cheeks are a faint red when she pulls back and she doesn't think her pupils had been that large when she first lent in. She's about to say something else when Lee interrupts, and her attention is split. He shoves another drink in her hand, notices Piper for the first time, and slurs something indecipherable before tugging them deeper into the party. And it's exciting. For awhile.

.

They're a good month and a half into the tour, pent up in a hotel for the night, a chance to free themselves from the stuffy tour buses. Nicky's stretched across the couch in their connecting suite, shuffling through a couple pages of expenses and schedules when she first brings it up.

"Hey, not that I'm complaining or anything, but when the hell we gonna start picking up some cash? I mean, we are getting paid for this, right?"

"Yeah, we're getting paid, Nicky," Alex bristles.

"A'right!" She exclaims, raising her hands in defense, "I'm just saying, we been doin' this for how long now and I've yet to see a single cent."

"It's coming. Okay? Calm the fuck down, what exactly do you need it for anyway, they're putting us up and paying for gas as it is."

"A girl's got other expenses, Vause, alright? I mean shit, it'd be nice to have a little something to play with. I'm staying in a semi-fancy hotel room, and traveling by tour bus but I can't even afford to walk down to the local seven eleven and buy a burrito!"

"Shut the fuck up, Nicky. Order some room service if you're so fucking hungry."

There's a tense silence lingering in the room when Piper finally wanders through. In the middle of toweling her hair dry, she pauses, eyes flicking from Alex (sitting sullen and tense on the chair in corner of the room) to Nicky (who meets her gaze and shrugs helplessly).

"What's goin' on?" She murmurs, making her way over to the quiet brunette. She threads her fingers gently through Alex's hair when she reaches her, eventually sinking into her lap when she relaxes under the gentle touches.

"Nothing." Alex murmurs, burying her nose against Piper's still damp neck and drawing a deep breath.

They let it lie for awhile.

The parties become a more frequent thing.

.

They're going on three months when things begin to grow tense.

Alex insists on making an appearance at every party Lee invites them to and Piper's begun to lose interest in the wild nights full of people she doesn't know. She's beginning to grow tired of the way the band members hit on her when Alex's attention is focused elsewhere, she's beginning to resent the way Alex drags her from place to place, forgetting about her the second Lee comes calling. They're going on three months when Piper begins to realize she's growing disenchanted with their new lives.

They've begun having arguments, small petty disagreements spurred by passive aggressive snipping and moody off-hand comments designed to wind one another up. They know what to say to throw in one another's faces and they know when to drag the right weaknesses out.

"I don't want to go to another party, Alex!" Piper snaps one night, and Alex falters. "I've barely seen you all week and now, the first night we get where you aren't practicing and don't have a show, and you want to spend it at another party with those guys!?"

"Those guys!? Piper those guys are my dad, those guys are the entire fucking reason we're where we are! They're the reason you don't have to work or move back in with your parents or stay grounded in your boring life back in Connecticut! And fucking excuse me for enjoying their company!" She's shouting by the she finishes. Piper opens her mouth to retort, reconsiders, closes it.

"Go," she eventually murmurs, gazing at the far wall. She rubs a hand down her face, turns back towards the bedroom, "I don't care anymore, Alex."

The door clicks shut.

Alex gazes at it for a moment, hot anger flooding her veins, before turning to leave.

She stays at the party for all of two hours before giving up and returning to the hotel room.

Piper's soft voice is drifting gently from the cracked door of the bedroom when she ease back through the front door, and for a split second Alex stills, panic washing over her as she wonders who the blonde is with. It only lasts a moment though, as she quickly figures out it's the telephone Piper's speaking to. Pausing outside the door when she catches her name, she strains to hear the muffled conversation.

She picks over a few scattered sentences, soft spoken words missing here and there before she realizes it's her mother Piper is talking to. HER mother. And she's gripped with a momentary confusing possessiveness. She lingers outside the door, straining to hear.

"How did you deal with it?" Piper asks softly, and Alex racks her hazy brain to figure out what the context could be. A quiet melancholy laugh draws her attention back to the blonde, "Yeah... I don't want to lose her though," and Alex squeezes her eyes shut against the wavering emotions in Piper's voice.

She draws a breath, stepping away from the door, suddenly feeling dirty, as if she's intruded on something personal. She'll go for a walk, smoke a cigarette, clear her mind and leave them to their hushed conversation for now.

Piper's gaze flicks to the shifting shadows at the doorway as she leaves.

Alex slips back in an hour later.

The bedroom is dark and silent and she sheds her clothing quietly in the darkness. Slipping in quietly behind Piper, she buries her face with a sigh in her blonde locks and drops a kiss to the back of her neck. Then another. And another.

"Alex," Piper eventually murmurs, and she stills, "you're crushing me."

Suddenly she's aware of her arms, and how they'd slowly been tightening around the smaller girl, pulling her deeper and deeper into her chest.

"Sorry," she whispers, bites back what might be a sob, and apologizes again, "I'm sorry, Pipes."

Piper's hand rises to glide along her forearms, pulling her tighter once more. A silent affirmation. And Alex buries her face in Piper's hair once more.

They're okay for awhile.

.

But they can't make it last.

And suddenly it seems like for every one step Alex takes forward, together they take another two back.

Piper's stopped coming to parties altogether. Alex has stopped inviting her.

They've had another argument the night it happens.

She sulking around another party, desperately trying reach a nice buzz when Lee calls out to her, "Hey, kiddo! C'mere!" He's standing with another man, one Alex has never seen before, and they smile when she approaches, "I want you to meet Fahri," Lee proudly exclaims, "he's a... heh... a real good friend of mine."

The man nods, quietly eyeing her, and Alex extends her hand, "hey... Alex."

Lee nudges him as he grasps her outstretched hand, a polite shake, "Kid's havin' girlfriend troubles, if you know what I mean. Why don't you, uh... fix her up?"

He departs with a wink, leaving Alex to stare questioningly at the man as he smirks, pulling something from his pocket.

"What is this?" She asks, taking it.

"Cocaine." He says as if it's the most natural thing in the world, "want a bump?"

Her eyes grow wide for a second before she schools her features to an impassive blankness once more, "no thanks."

She makes to hand it back but he raises his hand, "consider it a gift."

"I don't-"

"You don't have to use it. Hold onto it. Save it. Throw it out. It's yours to decide what to do with. A sort of... welcome to the tour gesture." He departs with a final knowing smile, slipping into the crowd with ease, leaving Alex to stare at the small object in her hand.

I'll pitch it later, she thinks.

She sticks it in her pocket.

Later she stumbles back into the room, out of her mind on alcohol and pot and leaning heavily against Nicky as they giggle about anything and everything like a couple of giddy school girls. Dropping heavily onto the couch, Nicky lets out an explosive giggling sigh and Alex shushes her as she attempts to stifle a laugh of her own.

"Ah... fuck," Nicky grins as they calm down. She sniffs, pulling something from her pocket and studies it in the dim light of the room.

"What is that?" Alex asks loudly and it's Nicky's turn to shush her with a quiet laugh, "Cocaine. Guy named Fahri gave it to me. 'Parently he supplies the band."

"And you took it?" Alex asks.

"Fuck yeah I took it!" Nicky laughs, "lemme tell ya, Vause. This shit is WILD. I've never felt so..." she falters, searching for the right word, before giving up (or forgetting) entirely, "I can get ya some, if ya want?"

"Nah, I... he gave me some already."

"Shit, Yeah?" Nicky exclaims.

"Yeah."

"Well I'm telling ya, Vause... WILD."

They fall silent after that, the room slowly fading out of focus around them as they eventually lose consciousness.

She wakes up some hours later, Nicky nowhere to be seen when she lifts her head, peering blearily around the room. She catches Piper's eye when her gaze sweeps past the small kitchenette. She's holding a steaming mug of what Alex assumes is coffee, which she sets aside to pick up a glass.

"Well, what do you know," she murmurs, crossing the room to deposit the glass of what looks to be water and two little white pills on the end table across from Alex's face, "she lives." Alex lets her head fall back to the cushions with a groan. "Get up," Piper murmurs as she picks her mug back up and heads toward the bedroom, "we're leaving in an hour."

.

Piper's out visiting friends the first time she gets high. Really high. Something more than Nicky's "hey Vause, I got the shit, let's smoke up" high.

They're with Lee and the band, already half out of their minds on alcohol and weed when people start doing lines, and before she knows it she and Nicky have joined in. She loses track of herself for the rest of the night. She's only vaguely aware of Nicky's presence beside her before her attention turns to a young blonde grinning at her from the opposite end of the couch and suddenly she remembers her own blonde.

She stumbles the whole way back to the hotel room (how she managed to actually make it there, she'll never know) and begins calling out loudly before she finally remembers. Piper had had some friends in this city, old acquaintances from college or high school or some point in time before Alex that she couldn't quite bring herself to care about. She won't be back until the following afternoon.

She wrestles her clothes off, bumbles around the room for awhile before finally landing at the room's mini bar. She doesn't remember how much she drinks, but the phone is off it's cradle, softly beeping next to her head when she wakes up the following morning. She spends the next few hours in the bathroom, hunched over the toilet. She's back in bed by the time Piper finally strides through the door.

"Hey," she husks groggily, "J'ya have fun?"

Piper only hums, and it takes Alex a second longer than usual to notice she's pissed.

"What?" She finally mumbles, rolling over to watch the blonde flit restlessly around the room, picking up the stray clothing and bottles Alex had discarded around the room throughout her stupor the night before.

"Nothing." Piper states in a clipped tone, and Alex rolls her eyes with a wince. Still dizzy.

"Piper. Please just tell me what's wrong. I'm so not in the right mindset for passive aggression today."

She buzzes about the room in silence for a few moments longer and Alex nearly gives up and rolls back over before she finally straightens and mutters, "I got some interesting voicemails from you last night."

"What?" Alex's eyebrows furrow before her gaze darts to the forgotten phone on the pillow beside her, "Fuck."

"Yeah. That's what I said too. What the fuck, Alex! Were you high!? Like obliterated high?"

Her blood runs cold but is quickly replaced by a hot anger, "No! Piper. I wasn't fucking high! But thanks for the vote of confidence, I really appreciate it."

Opening her mouth to speak, Piper immediately snaps it closed again, raising a hand to lay against her temples for a moment as she gathers herself.

"What the fuck am I supposed to think, Alex?" She finally murmurs softly, "Seriously. What am I supposed to think? You call me... fourteen times, leaving these..." she trails off, shaking her head, unable to find the words as the quiet anxiety gives way to another wave of anger, "And then you get angry at me when I have the audacity to ask if you were high?"

Alex falters a moment, guilt swirling confusingly with anger as she tries to decide how exactly she wants to proceed with the conversation.

Piper decides for her, "Fuck you, Alex."

And a white hot fear overtakes her as Piper turns to walk out of the room, "Where are you going!?"

"I'm going for lunch with Lorna." Piper calls from the living area before the door swings shut and the hotel room is thrown into silence.

.

She tells herself she's going to stop after that.

But Piper's indignant anger burns hotly in the back of her mind and fuck her for thinking she's somehow better than all this, fuck her for judging the band and Alex and the choices they've made and company they keep, and fuck her for just assuming that Alex is incapable of making her own decisions, like some child so easily swayed by the favor of the cool kids.

So instead she takes a little more.

Because she can stop anytime.

Because it feels good and it's fun and it dulls the maddening roar in her head to quiet buzz so she no longer has to focus on how bad things are or how it feels like every passing second is Piper slipping further and further through her fingers. She tries cocaine and she tries ecstasy and she tries things she doesn't quite catch the name of and she can stop anytime, but why the fuck would she when everything just suddenly feels so damn good again?

She takes a little more.

Things aren't going great with Piper. She can feel her slipping away, but she's powerless to stop it.

The tour is weighing heavily on her shoulders, Lee keeps pushing them for new material, Nicky's attentions are wavering, and the parties seem to be growing longer and longer every night. Lee finds her zoning out on a couch on one of those nights, her worries weighing particularly heavy. They chat for a minute, filling an awkward silence with awkward conversation. Eventually he pulls out a baggie, offers it to her casually, tells her it'll take the edge off (Heroin, he says, the only girlfriend you'll ever need) She's hesitant, but he offers it with a smile and a fatherly pat on the knee.

She slips it into her pocket. Just in case, she thinks.

Just in case.

Heroin eventually becomes her favorite.

.

She's high the night Piper leaves her.

There's a producer in the crowd and Nicky's been on her ass all day about playing the show of their lives and she'd just needed something to calm the ever present shake that seems to quake through her hands more often than not these days. She only takes a little. Just enough to feel like the world isn't moving quite so fast anymore. They've been arguing on and off for several days now, she and Piper, the latest screaming match having taken place just several hours prior. She had been clean for seven days. Seven days before the stress of the show and Piper's growing disenchantment and the ever-present buzz humming through her bones became too much, and she'd promised herself she'd just take enough to calm her jittery nerves.

They're sitting in the changing room when it happens. She'd been fumbling around with the instruments, ignoring Piper's chittering as she mentally attempts to focus on the night ahead.

Piper's pacing the floor before her, asking her some question or another about her after-show plans when she finally says, "I feel like a pathetic groupie," and upon Alex's continued silence, "is this our life now?"

Alex casts her a sidelong glance, rolling her eyes with barely restrained annoyance, "what do you want me to say, Piper? This is the shot we've been waiting for, am I just supposed to tell them no when they ask us for drinks and some time after the show?"

"I'm just asking for a little bit of space in your life, Alex," she murmurs tiredly.

"Yeah well maybe now's not exactly the best time, Piper. I got a lotta shit on my mind right now and I could really do without you adding to it."

She falls silent and for a moment Alex thinks she's won. She returns her attention to the instruments, before Piper's voice speaks up from behind her, "I can't do this anymore, Alex..." and Alex pauses, "I'm done." and her blood runs cold.

"What?"

She turns to face the blonde slowly, and Piper shakes her head, eyes gazing helplessly around the room, "I'm done. I can't... I can't do this anymore. I can't be your girlfriend when it's convenient. I can't... sit in anymore hotel rooms waiting for you to stumble back in, wondering if you're going to remember either of our names when you finally do. I can't..."

Her voice trails off as she sucks in a heavy lung-full of air and Alex stands, facing her fully. A white hot anger begins to flood her veins as she approaches the younger girl with an incredulous laugh, "So... what? You're leaving? Now? Where're you gonna go!"

"I don't know where I'm gonna go..." Piper answers, her own temper rising now, "back to New York, where I'm not your little trophy wife?"

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Alex laughs, and it's borderline hysterical and she can't seem to reign herself in. Suddenly she's watching herself from a different perspective. Someone else looking on as everything she'd worked so hard to avoid crashes and burns, "I can't believe I didn't see this coming, how did I not see this coming," she laughs again, before bringing her semi-frantic motions to a halt and piercing Piper with a head-on stare, the kill shot, "y'know what, I did see this coming, months ago, rule number one, don't ever fall in love with a groupie."

Piper's anger falters at that, and Alex can see the sting of pain strike across her face before she wrestles her emotions back under control. She nods a few times, choking back a wave of tears and refusing to meet Alex's eye before turning and heading for the door.

"Goodbye, Alex."

She watches her go in a haze, part of her screaming to go after her, but that part of her is the part that's watching helplessly from outside her own body. Instead she turns back towards the center of the room, pulls whatever baggies she can from her various stashes throughout her pockets and instrument cases, and proceeds to pump herself full of poison until she can't feel anything anymore.

Nicky stumbles in several moments later, "'ey was that Chapman I passed in the hall? Where's she goin?"

"The fuck does it matter," Alex grumbles, wiping her nose and pushing herself to her feet, "we've got a fucking show to play."

And for once in her life Nicky seems semi-sober, enough to step back, hands raised, as Alex attempts to push past her, "woah there, Vause, you alright?"

"I'm fine, Nicky. Let's just play the fucking show."

.

The producer never calls.

.

Time stop making a lot of sense after that.

There's shows and there's parties and there's drugs and there's sex and there's traveling and it all sort of tumbles together in an endless looping chain.

And Alex loses track of everything but the drugs.

.

They're at some fancy hotel in Vegas when she gets the call.

She's high out of her mind and her aunt has to repeat herself three times before Nicky finally takes the phone.

Reality comes crashing down quickly after that.

She's numb. The phone slips from her grip, hitting the plush carpet of the floor with a slight bounce, and she stumbles across the room.

"The fuck's wrong with you?" Lee barks as she knocks into the table.

"My mom..." she murmurs, the room beginning to spin around her.

Nicky holds her as she wails.

.

She takes a little more.

.

A month after that everything changes again.

A month after that Nicky OD's.

Alex doesn't visit her.

Piper does.

"I'm still your emergency contact," she explains tiredly at Nicky's quiet shock.

She looks no better than Nicky feels and the older girl begins to realize just how many lives they've ruined with this violent endeavor.

"I thought Alex might be here," Piper murmurs. I'm glad she's not hangs unspoken between them.

"I haven't seen Vause for days," Nicky quietly admits. Piper draws a heavy breath.

"I can't do this again, Nicky. I can't be the one they call when it's time to identify a body." Her voice is soft and broken and Nicky's filled with a heartache she can't quite place. But she knows it's for Piper and it's for Alex and it's for Diane and herself and all the other people they've let down and chewed up and ruined along the way.

"It's not gonna happen again," Nicky whispers, "It's not gonna happen again." She can feel her eyes filling with tears and she blinks them back desperately, "I'm done. It's not fun anymore. I'm not... myself... anymore. I'm gonna do the rehab. I'm gonna get clean. I'll find a new emergency contact. I'll change myself to Alex's. I'm sorry, Piper," She's a breath away from sobbing, "I'm sorry."

Piper's eyes are shining with a similar wetness as their gazes meet, "I know, Nicky. Me too."

They sit in silence for awhile before Nicky finally convinces her to leave.

But they promise to stay in touch.

And Nicky thinks it's the first small step in the right direction to fixing this mess.

.

Alex is livid when she finally returns.

She tells her she's barely managed to convince the tour from leaving without them and that they're lucky this didn't fuck up their entire career, everything they've worked for.

Nicky never mentions how much it stings.

.

Things are rough after that.

Nicky steadily gets better, pulling herself to her feet with the help of Lorna and her quiet conversations with Piper. She buckles down, stops going to the parties, distancing herself from everything but the music. Lorna pleads for her to step away completely but Nicky tells her she won't leave Alex (and Piper never asks but she knows it hangs unspoken between them with every hushed conversation that they have).

They're somewhere in California when something finally gives.

They've just finished their set, are climbing from the stage as Death Maiden prepares to take their places when a man sidles up to them. Nicky's first instinct is ask how he'd gotten back there, and they're both momentarily floored when he tells them he's here to offer them a deal. And just like that, everything they've been working for is suddenly within reach.

He hands them a card, tells them his people are interested in hearing them, that they've got a show lined up, three weeks from now if they're interested. He tells them if they like what they hear this could be the big time. They're practically floating by the time he finally departs.

They're screaming then, wrapping each other in a giddy bouncing hug and sobbing tears of hysterical joy and wild unbridled excitement. And it's the closest they've felt to one another since the entire thing began.

They ride that high until the show has ended, the band slowly meandering their way off stage as they tuck away their instruments, and Lee finally asks them what the hell's got them so fucking giddy. And Alex beams when she tells him they've finally been given a shot at a record deal. But the announcement isn't met with the support she'd been expecting. He explodes, angrily accusing them of riding on his coattails and using their generosity and demands they turn it down because they've already made a commitment to the tour.

Alex is stunned at first, before the pieces starting lining up in her head, and they're both screaming furiously at one another by the time Nicky and the band manage to drag them apart.

Alex is shaking as Nicky drags her from the venue, spilling them onto the street. They end up in a park across town, Alex pacing and screaming and kicking as she expels her anger on everything around them. Nicky waits patiently until finally the fight begins to seep from her bones and she slowly sinks into the vacant swing across from the one Nicky occupies.

"He never fucking cared," Alex murmurs quietly after awhile, "He was just fucking using us to pull in the crowds. To make the fucking money. You'd said it a million times and I just... I refused to fucking listen. I'm such a fucking idiot."

Her voice is thick and tight and wet with emotion and Nicky rocks her heels against the earth beneath her feet, swing swaying slightly, her hand coming to rub lightly at Alex's back as she lets her quietly cry out the emotional discharge of another fucking person who was supposed to love her.

They pack their bags quietly when they return to their room several hours later, and hail a taxi to another hotel across the city in the early break of dawn.

"You know," she mumbles later in the dark of their shared bedroom, "I don't think he ever even said my name."

Nicky doesn't know how to respond.

Alex doesn't really expect her to.

.

And she only gets worse.

.

It's not until the night of their show that Nicky finally decides to tell her.

She's made her decision. A choice she had to make for herself and her own health. She'll play the show, meet the producers, sign a contract if it comes to that, but after that she needs to take some time off. Time for herself to recuperate and slow down and stay grounded for awhile. The jet set life is killing her and the passion she'd once had for it all is fading. And she wants to get out before it claims anymore of her life.

Alex takes it about as well as she'd imagined.

She broaches the subject carefully, concluding softly with "Lorna's headed back to NY after the show, and I think I'm gonna go with her," her eyes are shining when they meet Alex's own and some small part of Alex's mind registers that it's the most vulnerable she's ever seen the girl. "I gotta take it slow for awhile, Alex. This tour... this life... it's gonna kill me."

"Are you fucking kidding me, Nicky. Now!? We just got offered a chance at our own deal!"

She swallows heavily, gazing around the room, "I can't..."

Alex stares at her for a moment and for a moment Nicky thinks it's worse than screaming.

"You know what, Nicky? Fuck you. FUCK you!"

"Vause..." she tries feebly.

"No! Y'know what? Go. Fucking go. Just like everyone else has. My dad. Piper. My mom," her voice hitches on the last word and Nicky can feel something inside herself shatter.

"Vause. I don't wanna leave you. I want you to come with us."

"Fuck you." Alex growls, "I don't fucking need you or your fucking sympathy. I've made it just fine without you these last few months anyway." She picks up a bottle from the counter, turns to head towards her room.

"Vause..." Nicky calls, and she pauses, her back turned towards her, "I'll play the solo. But after that I'm done."

She continues into the bedroom without another word.

.

Alex is wasted when she shows up later, and Nicky pleads with her to let them postpone the show but she refuses to let the opportunity slip through their fingers again.

She makes it through a song and a half before collapsing on the stage.

The last thing she remembers is Nicky's face floating above hers,blurred and worried, and Piper's voice at the back of her head telling her she should have seen this coming.

She thinks that second one might just be a memory.

.

She's out of commission for a little over a month.

A great chunk of her time being spent in the hospital, she slowly begins to realize just how close she'd come to oblivion.

She's angry at first (Nicky never fooled herself into thinking she wouldn't be, she remembers her own comedown vividly), cursing everyone and everything under the sun. And Nicky sits silently by her side through it all. She spends a lot of time lingering on her dad, for those first couple weeks. Angrily scorning him in a way that leaves her emotionally crippled, much like a child who's just finished throwing a tantrum and has realized it was all in vain. Nicky listens through it all. Her attentions eventually segue onto her mother and in a surprisingly vindictive bout of anger one night she blames her for leaving her behind like everyone else has. Nicky doesn't let her quiet shock show but she knows Alex reels from her own as she abruptly slams her mouth shut and curls in on herself, digging her hands into her hair and falling apart silently. Nicky rubs her back gently until it passes.

It's on a particularly bad night that she begins muttering about Piper, angry unconscious mumbles and accusations that abruptly give way to a broken sort of self-loathing, and suddenly Alex Vause is done being angry at anything other than herself. Nicky nearly lets it slip right then, confessing that she's been in contact with the blonde for the past several months. But she bites her tongue, knows it won't help anything in the place they're currently at.

But she sends Piper updates every night after Alex has fallen asleep, lets her know she's finally doing better (and they don't talk about the aching relief that coats the blonde's tone or the shaky concern that lingers on the edge of every question). Because Piper's not quite ready for the next step either. So Nicky keeps the connection to herself for the while.

She gently forces Alex into attending one of the hospital's rehab programs, and together they begin looking into various NA and AA meetings. Lorna's there for them every step of the way, having finally managed to free herself from the Death Maiden tour. And it's a long, sometimes grueling, process, but slowly Alex begins to heal.

It's during one of her final nights in the hospital though, that she whispers softly (so softly Nicky's still not entirely sure she'd even heard her), "And you wanna know the most fucked up thing... is that some nights I think I miss Piper more than I miss my mom. Maybe I didn't deserve any of them."

They move back to New York, and the production company eventually agrees to give them another shot in the new city after several pleading and apologetic phone calls. They're told to fly straight for awhile, get themselves in order, make sure it won't happen again before they do. They tell them that when they're ready they'll contact them.

And Alex starts writing again.

Nicky can't remember the last time she'd seen her with that ratty old notebook, quietly scrawling page after page of overlapping, overflowing lyrics. But it's a sight that almost brings tears to her eyes when she does. They manage to coerce the nurses into allowing a guitar or two into the room, as long as they promise to keep it quiet and respectful. And slowly they begin to build a new repertoire of songs.

They're halfway through a new lyricless tune one night when Alex murmurs, "when I was seventeen, I had wrists like steel, and I felt complete."

And Nicky quietly begins to wonder if she's not the only one who's suddenly unsure of what she wants from this life anymore.

.

They're several months past Alex's implosion when the company finally calls again.

And after a largely silent meeting, they agree to give it one last go.

They need one more song to complete their all new set list (an unspoken agreement between them for a completely fresh start). And in another modest motel room is where Alex finally presents one. Wandering in from one of her nightly walks through the town, she doesn't say a word as she pulls out her guitar, settles onto the edge of the bed and begins to play. Nicky listens silently as she slowly spins out the last song they've been waiting on into the hush of the stuffy motel room.

She finishes softly, eyes downcast as the last notes fade away around them and Nicky exhales with a soft, "shit, Vause."

"Piper wrote it," she murmurs, "one of her poems, I found it in the van."

They spend the rest of the night working out the kinks, and when Alex eventually falls into a restless sleep Nicky sends out a video message of the final product.

She attaches no words. No explanation needed. She knows Piper won't need one. The music will speak for itself.

.

Alex is restless the night of.

Nicky keeps a close eye on her, though deep down she knows she trusts that Alex is done. She tells herself it's just to make sure she can handle this; the pressure, the crowd, the reemergence. She tells herself it's out of concern for Alex's mental health more than anything. They're sitting backstage, taking care of any last minute preparations when she finally breaks their easy silence.

"I never wanna go back to... that..." she starts quietly, "there are so many things about it I'm so glad I don't miss." She pauses, fingers stilling around the tuning pegs of her guitar, "but fuck if I don't ache for just one more hit right now. Like it'll somehow make everything a little better. Even though I know it won't, y'know?"

She falls silent, not really expecting an answer, and Nicky's gaze lingers around her face for a moment before dropping to her own instruments in quiet contemplation. "I know," she eventually murmurs.

They hold each other's gazes for a moment, drawing a quiet strength from another before nodding.

A few more seconds of contemplative silence slip by before Nicky speaks again, "I think she'd be proud of you, y'know?" she sniffs, "your mom."

And Alex's gaze swims around her face for a moment before dropping back to her instrument with a small, broken sort of laugh, "I'm not so sure about that anymore."

"I am." Nicky answers, and Alex's gaze jumps back to her own, "you've really done well for yourself here, Vause, I'm proud a'you." She barks out a quick tired laugh, "hell, for a minute there I was sure I'd lost you, and I thought 'this is it, I've let myself down, I've let Diane down, I've let fuckin' Piper down... I couldn't save her, I failed'," her gaze trails around the room as she recollects herself, quietly brushing off Alex's soft insistence that it was never her responsibility, "but you pulled through, and you fuckin' proved that you're stronger than all this."

She pauses, slinging her guitar over her shoulder as she bends to pick up her mixer, "I'm not the only one who's proud a'you tonight though," she murmurs poignantly, eyes lingering on the phone she'd left sitting unlocked on the table. "I gotta go set up, don't be too long," she departs with a smile.

Alex's brows furrow in confusion before landing on the phone laying across from her. Slowly she eases out of her seat, reaching for the small device. It's open to a text message screen and she sucks in a quiet breath as she reads through the chain of messages peppered with her name.

She's angry for a moment, a slight betrayal at being left in the dark about Nicky's continued contact with her ex-girlfriend. But it fades quickly as she reads through text after text of emotional exchanges. She combs through the messages until she reaches the end and silently sets the phone back on the table. Allowing herself a moment, she runs her hands through her hair before taking a deep lung-full of air and rising from the worn old couch.

They've got a show to play.

.

She makes it through three songs.

They're getting ready to play their fourth, a quick change up in the instruments as she moves to engage the crowd. Her mind has been on other things all night and as she steps up to the mic she falters, a quiet revelation slowly washing over her. And she's suddenly aware of just how little this all means to her.

"I..." she starts, staring out into the sea of faces, suddenly feeling more alone than she's ever been, as the small spark inside her finally clicks, "I'm sorry." The roar of the crowd has stifled to a dull buzz (Alex can't tell if it's a hush that's swept through or if she's just truly stopped caring), Nicky's watching her from across the stage in mild concern, and something in her eyes gives Alex the courage she suddenly so desperately needs, "I'm sorry. I can't... I can't do this. ... There's somewhere I need to be."

She steps away from the mic, is halfway across the stage when the dull buzz begins working back into a roar. But she doesn't hear it. She's pulling her guitar over her head, handing it to a body standing in the shadows. Her legs are carrying her through the maze of the backstage setup and her hands are pulling the wires and earphones and contraptions they've stuck to her from her body.

She doesn't stop walking until she reaches the car park, climbing into the van they'd left sitting alone and empty in the large parking lot. It rumbles to life under her touch with an achingly familiar shudder as if it knows where they're going and has been waiting for this moment since they all climbed out of it for the last time all those million days ago.

She doesn't know how she remembers the address, she chalks it up to some sort of miracle (a lifetime ago would have called it a sign). But she drives there with a calming sense of ease and a desperate sort of anxiety. She wastes no time sliding from the van, heading up the walk, jogging up the stairs, takes a final steadying breath before raising her hand to the door.

She rings the bell and waits for what feels like an eternity before she hears a muffled voice and footsteps moving down the hall.

And then the door is swinging open.

And she's face to face with Piper's blue eyes as the grin she'd been tossing over her shoulder gives way to shock.

"Hey," she whispers.

"Alex..."

She sniffs, suddenly nervous, "Yeah, I... hey."

"What are you doing here?" Piper asks quietly, "you have a show tonight."

"Yeah, I... uh... I left. It."

"What?"

"I left." She answers, nervousness wrestling with excitement in her stomach as Piper eyes her dazedly from the door, "I had something more important to do." She draws a deep steadying breath, and launches herself headfirst into this new oblivion, "I fucked up, Pipes. I... really fucking fucked up. And I ruined... so many things, and I know I'm probably the last person you wanna see and I know I can't take it back, but Nicky, Nicky told me she still keeps in touch with you and I needed to... I had... I needed to tell you... I'm sorry. For all of it."

Piper says nothing. And the nervousness wins out. She can feel the swell of despair and the impending gathering of tears and she nods once, having said her peace, and turns. She makes down the last small stair, her boot hitting the concrete of the sidewalk just as Piper calls out behind her, "Alex, wait!"

She gathers a shaky breath, wills the tears back down (just for another moment, just until she can slip back into the van), and turns.

"Don't go." Piper whispers, and Alex can hear her battling her own tremble and tears.

She throws a quick look over her shoulder, pulls the door closed quietly, and tentatively makes her way to the end of the porch, towards Alex. They falter then, gazing at each other in weighted silence before Alex finally ventures, "it's good to see your face."

"Yours too," Piper murmurs, before a heavy burst of air escapes her lungs, "god, Alex you have no idea. When Nicky told me... for awhile minute there I thought... I thought maybe I'd never..." her voice trails off, unable to speak the words aloud and Alex takes a tentative step towards her.

"I know."

"I never should have..." she begins again, faltering, "I'm sorry too. I never should have left you... like that. But I was scared and nothing was... I couldn't... I couldn't just watch you destroy yourself. So I ran. Because I thought... it'd be easier..." And their eyes rove achingly over one another's faces before she finally whispers, "I've missed you so much."

And a breathless disbelieving laugh slips through Alex's lips as a grin she can't quite contain blooms across her face, "I've missed you too kid, too much."

And suddenly they're both laughing, and Piper's arms are around her, and Piper's face in buried in her neck, and Piper's tears are sliding over her shoulders, and she knows her own are sliding into Piper's hair, but suddenly nothing else really matters anymore, because suddenly Alex Vause feels like she's home.

.

Eventually Piper leads her from the sidewalk, up the stairs, and into the house. They slip in quietly, avoiding Polly's judgmental stare and barrage of questions entirely. Piper pulls her silently into her room where they eventually settle onto the bed, eyes studying one another quietly. They sit in silence for awhile, speaking only through heavy gazes and soft breaths, light touches and quiet breathless laughs.

Piper's fingers linger at Alex's chin, as if unable to believe she's actually alive and well and here.

"I love you," Alex suddenly murmurs, eyes tracing nervously over Piper's face, "I've never stopped loving you. I don't think I know how to not love you anymore."

She knows it's a heavy statement, knows it's an abrupt thing to say here and now, and knows it could potentially blow the small bubble they've quietly built since she showed up on Polly's porch, but she knows it's something that has to be said. Knows it's something Piper needs to know. And she waits in lingering anxiety for Piper's response, whatever it may be.

"I love you too," she finally murmurs, a soft welling of tears swimming in her eyes, "I've never stopped loving you either. And I don't think I know how to not love you too."

Neither of them are sure who presses their lips together first (Alex likes to think they met in the middle, the first time they truly began to meet one another halfway), as their mouths dance gently against one another in a familiar dance they'd never forgotten. They kiss for a long time, eventually pulling apart to rest their foreheads against one another in another silent contemplation.

After awhile Piper softly sings, "yeah my girlfriend's pretty cool, but she's not as cool as me."

And Alex smiles, tucking a stray strand of blonde hair behind her ear before quietly murmuring, "Nicky sent you the song... did you like it?"

"I was wondering where that page went," Piper laughs quietly, eyes shining, "it was beautiful."

Another gentle smile washes over Alex's features as she pulls Piper's face towards her once more, "yes, it was," she murmurs against her waiting lips before capturing them with her own.

They fall asleep slowly that night.

And Alex sleeps peacefully for the first time in a long time.

.

Nicky comes knocking at Polly's door somewhere around 7am the next morning.

She's wearing a familiar pair of aviators and face splitting grin as she announces, "well... we lost the deal!"

And they all lament the fleeting grasp at fame for a moment (though none of them seem to really mean it).

.

They drop Lorna back at home for awhile ("I haven't seen my family in months! I gotta make some time for them right now, but you three go, go! Swing around to some of your old haunts and relive some old memories!"), giving her a month or so to revisit with family before promising to swing back around for her as they make their way back through the states.

They swing through their old favorite places, welcomed back with warm receptions and excited buzz. And soon they're filling their favorite bars with eager faces once again, camping out in their favorite dingy motels once more, and lingering in the late night atmosphere of their favorite little diners all over again. It's easy, almost frighteningly so, falling back into the familiar pattern. But they're all too overwhelmingly content with it all to say anything.

Being back in the van, the three of them, all together, crammed across the front seat, world blurring past them outside the window at a steady pace, feels more like home than any of them can remember feeling in a long time. Nicky's behind the wheel, arm slung lazily out the window to grasp at the passing summer air, Piper in the middle, watching the slowly setting sun teasing in it's departure, as if daring them to chase after it. Alex leans against the passenger door, a single leg propped up against the seat, resting just lightly against Piper's thigh. She spends a lot of time touching Piper lately, as if assuring herself she's still there. She's got a guitar in her lap, fiddling mildly with it in the stillness of the gathering dusk.

Alex has been playing softly for several minutes now, Nicky occasionally joining in when she adds a few words here and there. It's only when they get to the chorus do their voices grow louder, strong enough for Piper to catch wind of their song.

"And we'll never be royals, it don't run in our blood, that kinda lux just ain't for us, we crave a different kind of buzz..."

Cutting her gaze sideways, Piper catches sight of that telltale smirk tilting across Alex's lips as she sings and suddenly she can't hold back her own grin. Their eyes meet and Alex cocks a single eyebrow, not breaking stride. And it's all it takes. As the van prattles down the long empty highway in the softly setting glow of the passing sun, and their voices rise quietly into the night.

---

So this story has been a very long time coming (theoretically it should have been like... chapter 13). It will probably be the longest I ever write (because holy HELL this got away from me about five thousand words ago). And I hope you're not too disappointed when the next chapter is like 10 thousand words shorter, haha. Anyway, there were so many different places I wanted to go with this, but in the end this is the best I could do. It feels like it got a little sloppy at the end, and I confess the brunt of my attentions lay in the endless summer aspect of the story, but I hope it's been a good ride for you nonetheless. 'Til next time, y'all.

list of songs and bands mentioned and drawn upon for inspiration includes: "Brooklyn Baby" (Lana Del Rey), MGMT in general but most specifically "Time To Pretend" and "Indie Rokkers", "Giving Up The Gun" (Vampire Weekend), "Royals" (Lorde), and The Ting Tings live performances.