Chapter 5

When I awaken it's to an empty and cold bed.

I lie there for several minutes just thinking about everything that has taken place.

I must admit it is a bit disorienting because I am still in the same bed but I fear I don't know what time frame I am in.

I look around to try and get some kind of indication, and that's when I catch myself in the mirror and see my long hair. I guess this will be the way for me to tell the difference at least for now. I get up and look a little closer at myself. I don't feel very tired, but I do look it.

Maybe that life sucking creature last night took more out of me then I thought.

I think back to last night. I could feel it draining me as the darkness swirled around me. I remember seeing the frightened looks on their faces as I stood trapped. Charming and Snow clinging to each other, and Hook standing near them. I remember their looks of sadness that I had been swept up, but also a bit of relief that it wasn't them.

Could I really blame them?

Then I think back to how Emma and Robin were looking at me. Their faces were twisted in a different kind of look. A matching look of turmoil, anger and fear. Now that I think about it, their faces were mirror images of each other.

I remember Robin trying to jump in to save me, but I knew that wouldn't work as he flew back. No matter how hard he tried to be strong for me, I knew he wouldn't be able to save me against this; against such strong magic.

I think about Emma then. I remember how her face changed from anger and fear to determination. She had made up her mind and the stubborn blond would not back down. I try to tell her no, and I remember seeing real fear flash in her families's eyes, and Hook trying to stop her. But it was too late.

She yells something to her parents and Hook and then I see her hold up the dagger, after that it's all a blur.

I feel slightly off balance so I make my way back to the bed and lie down.

I know I should be doing something right now. Something more productive then just lying here, but I don't even know where to start.

I wonder where Robin and Henry are, as it is never this quiet in the house.

I reach for my phone on the nightstand and see 2 missed calls, both from Snow.

I call Henry before I do anything else.

"Hi mom, how are you feeling." I can hear people in the background when he answers his phone.

"Hi dear, I am feeling… alright. Where are you? Do you know where Robin has gone?" I feel silly having to ask my son, but I didn't see any notes left from Robin.

"I am at grams right now; Robin dropped me off on his way to pick up Roland. Grams said she called you earlier, but I told her you were resting. She wanted to update you on what they found out." As Henry speaks I can't help but think about how grown he sounds. Seeing him in my dreams as a little boy just reminds me of how much older he is now. "Did you want to speak to her?" his question snaps me out of my thoughts.

"Yes, thank you dear. And please be safe." I say good bye to him and wait to get the update from snow.

"Hi Regina, we just don't know what happened. Belle and I have been doing research since last night but there just isn't much information on it all. I mean, Rumple was the dark one for so long that he predates anything that we have. How could this happen? Hook and Charming are out searching for her thinking maybe she is here somewhere. Do you really think she is evil now? Will we have to hurt my girl…?" I have to cut off her rambling just then as it was starting to hurt my head and she hit a nerve by calling Emma evil.

"Snow slow down. Just take a few deep breaths... And do not call you daughter evil, you know how that word can catch on…" I leave it at that because I know that will make her shut up for at least a few seconds.

Although I am mostly passed our past, there are some things I can never forgive, and one of them is her giving me the name The Evil Queen. It will always be a sore spot for us and she knows that.

I hear her breathing heavily "I am sorry Regina, I haven't slept all night and I'm already on my 4th cup of coffee. I just feel like I need to be doing something." I hear Henry in the background trying to comfort her.

"I know we are all worried about Emma, but perhaps the best thing we can do right now is take care of ourselves so we will have the energy when we figure out what to do. Plus Henry is already very upset and the last thing he needs is to hear you talk about these things in such a way. I don't ever want to hear you refer to either of his mothers' as evil again. I have to go now, goodbye." By the time I put my phone back I am out of breath.

Why am I so worked up? It feels like my chest is burning. I reach for the glass of water on my nightstand and empty it in one long drink.

Robin must have left it there for me, he is always thinking of my well being. I remember that I haven't spoke to him and reach for my phone again.

"Hello dear, are you well?" his voice holds so much love, and I can tell he is smiling. I smile for a moment, and then frown. How can he sound so carefree? After all that has happened.

"I actually do not feel very well at all. I just don't know what is wrong with me. Where are you?" I feel as though this is taking so much out of me.

"Oh I am so sorry my love. I didn't want to wake you earlier as you were in such a deep sleep. Why are you still not well?" I can hear the concern in his voice as I hear someone laugh in the background.

"Is that Roland? Where are you both?" I can't help but be a little jealous that they are out and enjoying their day while I am here in bed.

There is a slight hesitation before he answers, "I came to get Roland and he… well please don't be upset, but he wanted to see Zelena."

I drop the phone and miss anything else he has said. How could he? I know that Roland is confused right now because he thinks Zelena is his mother and we still need to sit and speak with him, but I cannot believe he would go and see her. I try to calm myself down before I pick up the phone again.

He is still going on about how he knows that it's not right but Roland was insistent, and he wanted to see how they were treating her, wanted to make sure she was properly cared for.

I have to put the phone down again to keep from screaming out loud. I cannot believe why I keep allowing myself to be fooled by these ideas in my head. I am just lying to myself in the end.

When will I be someone else's number one choice? When will I be a first priority? Have I not proven myself? What hurts more was knowing that he loves me so deeply but he still cared for her. He was a good man and I was blind to think we could just pretend she didn't exist until the baby was born. How could I be so foolish as to think that it would all work out? Suddenly I am just so tired again.

The throb in my head intensifies as I finally speak up, "Its fine Robin, I just have to go now. We will speak about it later when you are done playing happy family." As I hang up I know it was wrong of me to say. But I cannot find it in me to care.

I cannot help but feel bitter about her still getting more than she deserves. Will I ever be able to escape the people who take such pleasure in hurting me? I know that she does not even care for Robin. It's all a sick game to her, and she has him eating out of the palm of her hands. If I were to tell her tomorrow that she could have Robin, then I am sure she would lose interest in him immediately. Or maybe not, perhaps she has developed some genuine feeling for him. I can certainly see anyone falling head over heels for him.

I think back to the way she smiled as she told me she was having his child. The way her eyes twinkled with so much happiness as my heart was literally crumpling in my chest.

Even in her death it seems that mother is able to completely ruin my life. It was not as though I decided to give up Zelena. I didn't even know of her existence yet she believes this to be my fault. I would have liked to have a sister growing up. Just to have someone to confide in, some to understand me and we together could have found a way out perhaps. Maybe mother wouldn't have been so horrible to me if there were two of us.

I know it's useless to think about now, but it seems that mother will always have a way to remind me that she will always be there. There to ruin any hope of happiness. Ruin any hope at all.

Unable to control the sob that rips through me, I finally let the dam break. I realize now that I was just being foolish all along. How could we keep that child from its own birth-mother? How could I think that Robin would be able to turn his back on the woman who carried his child? It is no different than Marian. Yes they were in love when they had Roland, but he still chose her over me when he walked across the town line.

I tried to keep Henry from his birth-mother and look how that turned out. Although, Emma is nothing like Zelena.

I do not know how much time has passed. I haven't wept like this in a very long time, not after we saved Henry from Pan, not after Robin left me for Marian, I don't think I have let it out since the day mother died.

It seems to go on forever, all burdens and sorrows reached a boiling point and I could no longer contain myself.

Then my I slowly start to laugh at the thought of Emma sacrificing herself for my happiness. I guess we were both so foolish, her giving up her happiness and me believing I could have it. Oh how painfully ironic that I would realize all of this now.

She, in her attempt to always save those around her has sacrificed herself for me. I'm sure she didn't even consider if or how we would be able to save her. How could someone be so careless with their own life? What about Henry, had she not thought of what this would do to him?

The only solace I would find in giving myself up would be to know that he was safe, so maybe she knew I would always keep him safe. And yes of course I would, but how could she do it?

Knowing we are both lost in the end is the last thought that crosses my mind.