Wow. This episode. One of the best of the season, in my opinion. I'm hoping this will do Kurt and Blaine's parts in it some justice...
TRIGGER WARNING for suicide.
(I do not own Glee or any of the characters, dialogue, or songs from the show. It's all just for fun!)
KURT
"That one's nice too," Kurt mumbled, sipping his coffee absentmindedly as Rachel flipped through multiple bridal magazines in search of the perfect wedding dress.
"Come on, Kurt," Rachel encouraged. "We have to settle on a style for my gown today... the girls and I are going to the bridal salon tomorrow to look at bridesmaids' dresses!"
"Just pick something simple," Kurt said dully. "For yourself and the girls. This isn't exactly a grand cathedral wedding, after all."
Kurt couldn't believe he had allowed himself to be dragged to the Lima Bean to browse through magazines for Rachel's perfect wedding gown. But he had decided that suffering through all of Rachel's excitement was better than losing Rachel as a friend, so he had forced her to buy his coffee and was counting on Rachel to hurry up and find a style or specific gown that she liked.
"Oh, this is good. Oh, this! Look at this one!" Rachel gushed, pointing at a dress in one of the magazines. "Oh, it's so timeless. It's perfect."
"Yeah, timeless," Kurt said. "Meaning you can wait two or five years to wear it."
"Don't be jealous," Rachel reprimanded. "You know you like this."
"I do not," Kurt mouthed at her.
"Well, well, well. If it isn't a young Barbara Streisand and an old Betty White."
Sebastian.
As Kurt looked up at the tall Warbler, he wondered if Sebastian was somehow a physical manifestation of Kurt's own annoyance. Because he always seemed to show up whenever Kurt was having a bad day.
"Where is gay Cyclops?" Sebastian asked. "Still trying to stumble his way in?"
Kurt could not believe that Sebastian was making light of Blaine's injury. But he knew that Sebastian was just trying to rile him up, so he didn't reply.
"We can't come here anymore," he said to Rachel.
Sebastian also turned his attention on the bride-to-be. "Rachel," Sebastian said, "I, uh, brought an engagement gift for you."
He offered a manila envelope. Rachel took it from him, and she opened it to reveal a photograph of Finn.
A photograph of Finn wearing heels. And absolutely nothing else.
"Woah, oh, oh!" Kurt cried, reaching out to cover the scandalous area of the photograph with his hand.
"Oh my god!" Rachel exclaimed. "Oh, no, no, that is Photoshopped! His thing is not that small or– or that brown!"
"And he could never fit into those pumps," Kurt scolded.
"Just think," Sebastian said casually, "from now until eternity, every time someone Googles 'Finn Hudson' they'll be treated to that. And dozens just like it. That's the beauty of the Internet. It stays with us forever."
"What do you want Sebastian?" Rachel snapped.
"I want a guaranteed Regionals win," Sebastian explained, "so I want you to drop out. McKinley gets home court advantage this year. You're gonna come down with Asian bird flu or whatever Tina Blowin-Wang just had."
"But that is show choir terrorism!" Rachel protested.
"You give a bad name to the entire gay community," Kurt added.
"And you give the gay community cutting-edge fashion that's usually only seen on Puerto Rican Pride floats," Sebastian replied.
"I'm sorry," Kurt retorted, "I didn't hear you. I was distracted by your giant horse teeth."
Sebastian turned his attention back to Rachel. "You have twenty-four hours to drop out, Rachel," he told her. "Or I press the upload button."
Without another word, Sebastian turned and walked away. Kurt and Rachel were silent for a moment as they watched him leave the store.
"You have got to be kidding me,' Kurt whined as the door closed behind Sebastian.
"Whatever," Rachel said primly, shoving the photograph back into the envelope. "He's trying to blackmail me with something that isn't even real. I won't be intimidated."
"You're not even going to mention this to Finn?" Kurt asked.
Rachel hesitated.
"Such a great foundation for your marriage," Kurt muttered.
Rachel smacked his arm. "Stop it, Kurt!"
"Sorry," he said.
Rachel sighed and started packing up her magazines.
"I guess I should tell him," she admitted. "I'll do it tomorrow after school."
KURT
Before glee club the next day, as Blaine sang along to a made-up tune at the piano and goofed off with Mike and Sugar, Kurt's phone vibrated.
He pulled it out of his pocket and turned briefly away from the piano to glance at the screen.
Karofsky.
Since their conversation on Valentine's Day the week before, Karofsky had called Kurt numerous times.
But Kurt couldn't bring himself to answer.
He had thought he had found peace about Dave Karofsky. He didn't feel constantly nervous in the hallways at school anymore. He didn't even mind seeing the other boy in a general sense. Kurt knew that Karofsky had been through a lot. He could be a great example for others one day.
But Karofsky had asked him out.
Kurt knew that he shouldn't feel guilty for saying no. He didn't want to be with Karofsky. Even in a hypothetical situation where Blaine didn't exist, Kurt had no desire to date his former tormenter.
But he knew what having someone in your corner could mean to someone who was newly out, or who might soon come out. It could mean the difference between feeling like a freak and feeling like a human being. Kurt wanted to help Dave. But he wasn't sure how to do that when Karofsky wanted them to be together. Would Karofsky accept Kurt's friendship without strings attached?
Kurt didn't know what to say. He didn't know how to act. So, he had been avoiding Karofsky. He was trying to pretend that it wasn't happening.
He didn't answer the call.
As he put his phone away, Kurt noticed Rachel handing Finn the manila envelope with the Photoshopped photograph in it. He turned back to Blaine and tapped the other boy on the shoulder.
"I'm gonna sit down," he said.
Blaine nodded, not quite finished with his song, and Kurt went to find a seat against the wall.
By the time Blaine came to sit down, Finn was raging about the manipulated photograph from Sebastian. Blaine had barely taken his seat when Finn jumped up.
"That's it," Finn said as he looked at the photograph. "I'm done. I'm leaving this classroom and I'm going to beat that Sebastian kid's ass!"
Many of the other boys in the room, including Blaine, got up with him.
"Finn!" Mr. Schu stopped him. "Chill!"
"I'm not gonna chill!" Finn exclaimed. "I'm done chilling!"
"The official show choir rulebook states that any real or perceived threat of violence, vandalism, or humiliation will be met with a swift and unquestioned disqualification of the threatening party's team with extreme prejudice," Artie said. "It's right here. Page seventy-two, bylaw fifteen, section six, article forty-four."
"Guys," Mr. Schu tried to calm the group, "I contacted the headmaster at Dalton –"
"Like you did when Sebastian almost blinded me?" Blaine retorted. "What'd they do then? Same thing as they're gonna do now! Nothing."
Kurt knew that it bothered Blaine that Dalton had no interest in punishing Sebastian for what he had done. It upset Kurt as well. Dalton had always seemed like such a safe place, and the school's lack of action in Blaine's situation had killed some of the magic for both of them.
BLAINE
"None of this matters now, anyways, okay?" Rachel said from her seat. "We're not gonna let them beat us like this! I'm gonna perform at Regionals."
"Even if he's gonna post a photo like this of me if you do?" Finn asked.
"Finn, I'm not gonna negotiate with terrorists," Rachel replied.
Blaine and most of the other boys returned to their seats, but Finn stayed at the front of the room.
"If someone posted a picture like that of me online, I'd probably kill myself," Sugar said.
"Twice, to be sure I was dead," Rory added.
"Look, you guys are just going to have to deal with things like this," Mr. Schu said. "The more successful you get, the more garbage people are going to make up about you. They're gonna love to tear you down."
"I can't believe you would do that to me," Finn said to Rachel.
"I'm gonna be married to you!" Rachel said, standing up. "Don't you think I'm going to suffer the consequences as well? I mean, I just– I don't care about stuff like that! I love you, and we'll manage this together okay? The important thing right now is that we win!"
"So you wouldn't care if I Photoshopped a photo of you like this and put it on the Internet?" Finn replied, waving the manipulated photograph in her direction.
"Look, our future depends on us winning Regionals," Rachel said. "It'll help me toward my NYADA application."
"Hope you get in," Finn said disappointedly as he turned and walked out of the room.
"Finn," Mr. Schu tried to stop him, but Finn didn't acknowledge him.
Rachel huffed in annoyance and returned to her seat beside Blaine.
Blaine felt uncomfortable after witnessing the argument, and he was annoyed that Sebastian was still playing such a significant role in the happenings of New Directions. They needed to focus, and all of this drama was not helping.
"Okay," Mr. Schu said, "it's clear that we all need a breather. Let's call it a day... your assignment for tomorrow is to come back with an idea for a song for Regionals. We'll take a fresh look at our set list then."
KURT
Blaine got up and left the room immediately, and Kurt decided to follow him.
The other boy wasn't in the hallway when Kurt walked out the door, but Kurt knew where he would find Blaine.
He walked into the auditorium and saw Blaine pounding his fists together as he paced the stage.
"You okay?" Kurt asked.
Blaine glanced up at him, but didn't respond.
"You seemed upset," Kurt explained.
Blaine shook his head briefly, but he was clearly agitated.
"And if Sebastian is –" Kurt started.
"Forget about Sebastian!" Blaine shouted.
He turned to look at Kurt. "I'm not mad at you," he said quickly. "I just don't want to waste any more time on him. I wanna focus on winning."
Kurt understood. Blaine hadn't spoken about Sebastian or his injury much since his surgery, and Kurt knew that he probably just wanted to put it all behind him.
And Blaine really, really wanted to win at Regionals.
"I've got a new song I wanna try out," Blaine explained, his mood improving with the change of subject. "The theme for Regionals is 'inspiration', and I think this fits the bill. You wanna hear it?"
Kurt raised an eyebrow at him, and Blaine smiled.
"Well then," Blaine teased, "take a seat, sir."
Kurt went to grab a stool – he wanted to sit on the stage, not down in the audience – and Blaine turned to the band.
"Thanks for waiting, guys," Blaine said to them. "Let's go."
Blaine stepped up to the single microphone on the stage as the music began and the lighting changed to a series of blue spotlights.
"Life's too short to even care at all, oh. I'm losing my mind, losing my mind, losing control."
Kurt sat quietly and watched as Blaine poured all of himself into the performance. Performing was cathartic for Blaine, and Kurt hoped that releasing all of the emotions of the past few weeks into the song would help Blaine feel better.
"One more spoon of cough syrup now, oh. One more spoon of cough syrup now, oh. Oh."
As the song ended, Kurt applauded, and Blaine bowed in his direction as the lights returned to normal.
"That was amazing," Kurt complimented.
"Thank you," Blaine smiled, waving at the band as they departed.
"So you're okay?" Kurt asked, hopping off the stool to walk over to where Blaine was standing.
Blaine nodded.
"I'm getting there."
KURT
The next morning, Kurt was surprised to find Ms. Pillsbury talking to his teacher when he arrived for his first class of the day. When the bell rang to signal the start of class, it was the guidance counselor, rather than the teacher, who first addressed the students.
"Hello, class," Ms. Pillsbury said gently. "Um..."
She fidgeted and looked directly at Kurt, and Kurt wasn't sure how to feel. What was going on? Ms. Pillsbury usually seemed a little flustered, but this was something else.
"I just want you all to know that my office door is always open," Ms. Pillsbury said to the class. "And I know I speak for the entire staff at this school when I say that we are all here for you, any time you need us."
Kurt narrowed his eyes at her. Why was she looking at him so much? A sliver of worry entered his mind that this was about his father, but he couldn't imagine why she would be addressing the entire class if the news was about Burt.
Kurt twisted his phone around in his hand absentmindedly as he waited for Ms. Pillsbury to get to the point.
"So, um..." Ms. Pillsbury said, "fortunately, he was not successful. And this is just an isolated incident involving one individual's personal problems, but..."
She looked directly at Kurt.
"David Karofsky attempted to take his own life yesterday afternoon."
The words fell over Kurt like a bucket of icy cold water. His phone slipped from his fingers, and it sounded like a landslide as it bounced once on the table and tumbled to the ground. He was vaguely aware of Ms. Pillsbury calling his name, but he couldn't engage his brain enough to respond.
The next time he was conscious of his actions, he was walking down the crowded hallway near his locker. He blinked a few times; he couldn't remember picking up his phone or if Ms. Pillsbury had spoken to him or how he had managed to stand up to leave the room when the class was over. His brain told him that he needed to get to his next class, but he could hardly remember where he was supposed to go. His brain felt like it was trudging through an ocean of sludge.
Suddenly, he felt a familiar hand slip into his, and Blaine dragged him down the hall and into the empty auditorium. As they reached the back corner of the stage, Blaine stopped abruptly, spun around, and threw his arms around Kurt's waist. Kurt's brain engaged just enough to catch the other boy in a proper hug, and Blaine buried his face into Kurt's chest.
Neither of them cried, but when Blaine finally loosened his grip and leaned back so they could make eye contact, the devastation on his face was overwhelming.
"I'm so glad we found each other," Blaine said.
Kurt opened his mouth to tell Blaine how much he loved him, but Blaine took a short breath and kept talking. His voice was steady but full of emotion.
"Kurt," he said, "I need you to know that, no matter what happens, you always have a reason to look forward to your future. There will always be someone there to love you and keep you safe." Blaine was looking at him with such intensity that Kurt wasn't sure he would ever be able to look away. "I can't bear the thought of you ever feeling like you're so alone that there is nothing to live for. You've got me. Okay?"
Kurt nodded. "You saved me," he replied, struggling to speak over the lump that felt as if it had permanently lodged itself in his throat. "You gave me the time of day on those stairs when we first met and you flirted with me and took me under your wing and reaffirmed for me that it really is okay to be who you are. And that it's okay, better than okay, to let yourself just be in love."
Blaine grasped Kurt's face in both of his hands and showered his face with kisses. "I love you," he breathed against Kurt's cheek when he was finished.
"Not as much as I love you," Kurt replied seriously.
As he stepped back, Blaine shook his head. "You're wrong, you know," he said seriously. "You saved yourself. I was just there to offer encouragement."
Kurt felt tears starting to pool in his eyes.
"It's hard for me to s– see it that way sometimes," he admitted.
Blaine grabbed Kurt's hand and pulled him down to sit against the wall, and Kurt started to cry.
"I'm so sorry," he managed before he broke down completely.
Kurt and Blaine held each other tightly as they both cried out the emotions and memories brought on by the suicide attempt. When they both finally quieted into sniffles and ragged breathing, Blaine kissed Kurt's cheek.
"We're skipping right now," he said quietly.
Kurt laughed weakly. Of course Blaine was concerned that they had missed the tardy bell.
He turned to look into Blaine's red, swollen eyes. "Well then," he said, "we'll just have to stay here until the next class change."
Blaine leaned his head back against the wall, and Kurt settled down to lie on the floor with his head in Blaine's lap. Blaine played absentmindedly with Kurt's hair, and they were both silent. Lost in thought.
When the bell rang, they both climbed to their feet and stood together for a moment, just looking at each other.
"See you at lunch, okay?" Blaine said, reaching out to rub Kurt's arm.
Kurt stepped forward and kissed him gently on the lips.
"See you at lunch," he agreed.
KURT
As he approached the door to his next class, Kurt heard an unfamiliar voice calling his name. He turned to see Joe, who Kurt had never really spoken to but who had been at Sugar's Valentine's Day party the week before.
"Oh, hi," Kurt said, hoping that he didn't look like too much of a mess after crying so much. "Joe, right?"
Joe nodded. "Hey, uh, I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry to hear about Karofsky," he said earnestly. "I didn't know him, and, uh, I guess I don't really know you either, but if you ever want to talk about it..."
Kurt offered a slight smile. "Thanks," he said.
As Joe nodded and turned to walk away, Kurt wondered if maybe he should talk to some of his friends. He didn't want to worry his father or Blaine with the guilt that he was feeling about not returning Karofsky's calls. But maybe some of his friends would listen.
"Joe?" he called out to stop the other boy.
Joe turned back around.
"Do you..." Kurt asked awkwardly, "do you think I could stop by your, uh, meeting today?"
Joe smiled, and Kurt wondered if he knew that Kurt didn't believe in God.
"Absolutely, man," Joe said kindly. "Everyone is welcome."
KURT
When the bell rang to start the lunch period, Kurt sent a quick text message to Blaine to let him know that he'd be late to the cafeteria before heading to the room where the God Squad met during lunch.
He could hear Quinn talking as he approached the door.
"I feel sorry for Karofsky," Quinn said, "but what he did was selfish. He didn't just want to hurt himself. He wanted to hurt everyone around him. I went through the ringer, but I never got to that place."
Kurt's sadness and the memories of his own torment rushed to the surface, and he couldn't stay silent.
'Quinn, please," Kurt interrupted from the doorway. "Sure, you had a baby when you were sixteen and you had a bad dye job for two weeks. But seriously? The world never stopped loving you. And you're going to Yale. You have no idea what Karofsky was struggling with."
"You really want to try to compare –?" Quinn asked.
"The despair?" Kurt interrupted. "The self-loathing?"
"It doesn't matter," Quinn said. "I just can't imagine things getting so messed up that you would consider taking your own life."
"That is so harsh and reductive," Kurt scolded, stepping into the room. "Have some compassion! Do you know what they're still writing on his Facebook? 'Better luck next time' and 'try, try again'."
"Why are you even here, Kurt?" Quinn asked. "Thought you didn't believe in God."
"He asked me if he could come," Joe spoke up. "And I invited him."
"I heard you guys were praying for Karofsky," Kurt explained. "And, after everything that we've been through, I didn't have anywhere else to go."
Kurt didn't want to explain that he really just wanted to talk to someone other than his father and Blaine. He sat down on one of the tables.
"I feel responsible," Kurt admitted. "He asked me out and... I said no. And he kept calling me. If I had just answered one of those stupid calls..."
None of the other students seemed to know what to say to that, and Kurt was glad. If it had been Blaine or his father, there would've been an immediate chorus of reassurance and insistence that Kurt wasn't at all to blame. But Kurt knew that if he had answered one of the calls, maybe he could have made a difference.
He also knew that he shouldn't blame himself. There was no way for him to know that Karofsky would attempt suicide.
But the emotional part of his brain was still holding a lot of guilt.
"We're taking an edible arrangement to the hospital," Mercedes said gently. "Do you want to come with us?"
Kurt thought about it for a moment.
"No," he said quietly. "I'll... I'll go soon."
He was grateful when they didn't press the issue.
"Hey man, don't get too down on yourself," Sam said quietly.
Kurt nodded. "Yeah," he said vaguely.
Mercedes led the group in a short prayer for Karofsky, and when it was over Kurt hopped down from the table.
"I need to go to lunch," he said, motioning toward the door. "But thanks, guys."
"Thanks for coming, Kurt," Joe waved. "Hang in there."
BLAINE
Blaine was relieved when Kurt finally came into the cafeteria. Blaine wanted to be near the other boy as much as possible after hearing the news of Karofsky's suicide attempt. He wanted to make sure that Kurt was okay. And it helped Blaine to feel okay when Kurt was around.
"Hey," Kurt greeted the trio already at the table. Santana, Brittany, and Blaine.
"Hi," Blaine said, reaching out to rub Kurt's back briefly as he sat down.
They didn't talk much as they ate. Blaine knew they were all thinking about Karofsky.
But then Blaine's phone buzzed on the table.
It was a text message from Sebastian.
Bring as many members of New Directions as you want, but I want to see you at the Lima Bean this afternoon.
Blaine showed the message to Kurt, and Kurt rolled his eyes.
"Give me that," Santana demanded, reaching across the table to take the phone out of Blaine's hand.
"If you're meeting him," she said as she read the message," I'm going with you."
Blaine considered Sebastian's request. He couldn't imagine why Sebastian wanted to see him now. Blaine hadn't heard so much as one word from the Warbler since he had thrown the rock salt slushie in Blaine's face weeks earlier.
But the news of Karofsky's suicide attempt was at the front of Blaine's mind, and he knew he had to go.
He replied with a very basic message about what time he would arrive before turning his phone off all together to avoid hearing from Sebastian again until the meeting.
BLAINE
"I can't believe he had the nerve to ask us to come meet him," Blaine grumbled as he, Kurt, Santana, and Brittany pulled up to the Lima Bean.
"Oh," Santana said, "you leave this to me."
Blaine felt hurt and anger building up inside him as they entered the café and walked to where Sebastian was sitting. He hadn't spoken to Sebastian since the night Sebastian had thrown the rock salt slushie in his face. He had made peace with his friends from the Warblers, but there had been no resolution with the boy who had put him in the hospital.
"Let me break it down for you," Santana said without preamble as they approached Sebastian's table. "From one bitch to another. All of this vicious, underhanded crap has got to stop."
Santana sat down across from Sebastian, but the other three remained standing.
"Exactly," Sebastian said seriously. "That's why I called you here. First of all," he looked up at Blaine, "Blaine, I am sorry about your eye."
"That means nothing to me," Blaine replied immediately.
"Just give me a chance," Sebastian said. "I have no excuses other than 'a lame prank got completely out of control'."
A prank? Blaine didn't buy it. It sure hadn't felt like a prank when he was in the hospital. Or when he was confined to his house for weeks.
What was Sebastian's angle here?
"Second," Sebastian continued, "the Finn photos have all been destroyed. I want the Warblers to win fair and square. And we're going to take donations for Lady GaGa's Born This Way Foundation. Win, lose, or draw, we're gonna dedicate our performance to Dave Karofsky. I thought you might want to join us."
"Wait for the punch," Kurt said sourly, "you know it's coming."
"No," Sebastian said immediately. "Not this time. For too long, I have treated everything like a big joke."
He looked thoughtful for a moment.
"It's all fun and games," Sebastian concluded, "until it's not."
"Easy for you to say," Santana retorted. "You're not the one who spent time in the hospital."
Sebastian looked at Blaine again, and Blaine made sure not to be the first one to look away.
"May I speak to Blaine alone for a minute?" Sebastian asked.
"No," Kurt replied sharply.
Sebastian looked like he had the perfect comeback in mind, but he kept his mouth shut.
"It's okay, guys," Blaine said.
Kurt turned to look at him, and Blaine met his eyes.
"It's okay," he repeated.
Kurt looked incredibly unhappy, but he walked away with Santana and Brittany to a table on the other side of the café. Kurt settled into a chair facing Blaine, and Blaine knew that Kurt wouldn't take his eyes off them until the conversation was over.
"Please," Sebastian motioned to the empty chair across from him, "sit."
Blaine sat down and looked across the table into Sebastian's eyes.
"I understand why you don't believe me –"
"Oh yeah?" Blaine scoffed.
"– but I really am sorry," Sebastian said.
Blaine hated himself for wanting to believe him.
"I know some of the other Warblers came to see you while you were recovering," Sebastian continued.
"You can't control everyone," Blaine replied.
"I know," Sebastian said. "Look, Blaine, there's nothing I can say that's going to make what happened alright."
Blaine shrugged.
"But I'm asking for an open mind," Sebastian explained. "Let me show you with my actions that I've changed."
"It's easy to make a change for a few weeks after a tragedy," Blaine said skeptically.
"No more games," Sebastian said. "No more bullying."
"You assaulted me," Blaine said resentfully. "I trusted you."
Sebastian looked down at the table and said nothing.
Blaine glanced over Sebastian's shoulder at Kurt, and suddenly he had an idea.
"I want you to apologize to Kurt," he told Sebastian.
The Warbler looked up, surprised.
"What?"
"You meant that slushie for him," Blaine snapped.
Sebastian opened his mouth, but Blaine didn't let him speak.
"I don't care why you did it," Blaine told him. "I don't want your excuses. If you want a chance at redemption, you're going to apologize to him right now."
Sebastian nodded.
Blaine motioned for Kurt to come over, and the other boy jumped up and hurried across the café to their table.
"Everything okay?" he asked as he arrived.
Blaine looked at Sebastian.
"Kurt," Sebastian greeted.
Kurt didn't respond.
"I'm sorry," Sebastian said. "I've been... less than kind to you."
Kurt inclined his head slightly, but said nothing.
"I'm sorry," Sebastian repeated.
Kurt glanced down at Blaine and then back at Sebastian.
"Okay," he said. "I accept your apology."
Blaine felt Kurt's hand on his shoulder.
"I'm sorry too," Kurt said. "For saying things that I shouldn't have."
Blaine knew how difficult it was for Kurt to apologize to Sebastian about anything after what had happened over the past few months, and he stood up so he could wrap one arm around Kurt's waist. The two of them exchanged a long glance and then Blaine turned back to Sebastian.
"I'm going to assume that you're sincere," he said. "Please don't prove me wrong."
Sebastian nodded. "Thanks, Blaine."
Blaine extended his hand, and Sebastian shook it.
"See you at Regionals," Blaine said.
KURT
At the start of glee rehearsal the following day, Mr. Schu led the students of New Directions to the auditorium and told them to gather in a circle on the stage.
"Mr. Schu, why do you have a jar of peanut butter with one spoon?" Mercedes asked once they were all settled.
"Yeah," Sugar said, "there are fifteen of us here, and I'm only comfortable sharing a spoon with about half of you."
"Well," Mr. Schu explained, "it's come to my attention that our friend Rory Flanagan has never tasted peanut butter."
"What?" Sugar gasped.
"Are you serious?" Tina asked.
"No way," Sam said. "That's impossible."
"Rory, if you don't mind," Mr. Schu said. He and Rory stood up, and Mr. Schu offered a spoonful of the peanut butter to the Irish student.
"Oh god," Rory said, but he put the spoon in his mouth.
Everyone watched him closely to see his reaction.
"Oh my god," Rory said. "That's the best thing I've ever had."
Everyone laughed. Everyone except Kurt.
"Mr. Schuester," Kurt said, "while that's incredibly moving... um, it's kind of been an emotional week for some of us."
"Yeah, Mr. Schu," Finn said, "what's the point of all this?"
"The point is, Rory just had a brand new experience," Mr. Schu said. "Something as simple as peanut butter. You guys are young. I want you to promise me that, no matter how depressed you get, no matter how hopeless or alone you feel... you'll try your best to imagine all of the amazing experiences you have ahead of you."
"Mr. Schu," Mercedes said. "Look, I know we're a little dramatic sometimes, but I don't think anyone would ever consider taking their own life."
Kurt glanced at Blaine, but the other boy was looking at Mr. Schu.
"I did," Mr. Schu said. "Junior year. That was a tough year. I, uh, I cheated on my math midterm. Peeked at the answers of the guy next to me and the teacher saw me do it."
"Just because you got caught cheating?" Puck interrupted skeptically. "I get caught cheating all the time."
"They called my dad at his office," Mr. Schu explained. "And he was coming to pick me up. I mean, how was I supposed to look him in the eye? I just kept picturing my dad... so disappointed in me. So, I walked up to the roof. I went right to the edge. One step, and all the pain and humiliation would be over."
"Is that true?" Kurt asked.
"That day, I promise you, felt like it was the end of the world," Mr. Schu said. "But you know what? It wasn't. You know, for some of you, getting caught cheating isn't a big deal. But there's something. Everyone has something that might take them up to that edge."
"And look at all of the things I would've missed out on," Mr. Schu continued. "I would've never met you guys. Or Emma. I would've missed out on everything."
Kurt looked at Blaine again, and this time Blaine was looking back at him. As their eyes met, Blaine smiled sadly, and Kurt wished they had decided to sit together.
"So, right now, I want you all to think of something that you're looking forward to," Mr. Schu instructed. "Big things."
"Someday I wanna earn enough money to buy my folks a new place so they won't ever have to go through losing their home again," Sam said.
"You know, I'm most looking forward to meeting Rachel Berry's children," Mercedes chimed in lightheartedly.
Kurt made a mental note to have a stern conversation with her later.
"I want to be there to see my kids' first steps," Artie explained.
"I want to be there to see Sex and the City part three," Sugar said.
"Wow," Mr. Schu laughed. Kurt knew it was a double-standard, but he didn't really care that Sugar's answer had been so flippant. Sugar was flippant.
"Sort of embarrassed to admit it," Puck spoke up, "but I really do want to graduate high school."
"I'm going to petition the army to change my dad's dishonorable discharge status to an honorable one," Finn told the group.
That surprised Kurt. It was a very proactive action on Finn's part.
"I'm looking forward to graduating from Yale at the top of my class," Quinn said.
"I'm looking forward to the day when my grandmother loves me again," Santana admitted.
"I want Lord Tubbington to kick his ecstasy addiction," Brittany explained.
"I'm looking forward to... marriage equality in all fifty states," Blaine said, turning to look at Kurt. Kurt smiled at him.
"I'm looking forward to the first time I dance at Carnagie Hall," Mike spoke up.
"I just want a song," Tina teased.
Kurt thought about everything that he was looking forward to. The big things. Auditioning for NYADA. Going to his senior prom. Graduating from high school. Going to college in New York. Attending fashion week in Paris. Selling out a theater. His first photo shoot and red carpet. Seeing his name in lights when he finally made it.
Getting a tiny apartment with Blaine. Getting married. Maybe having kids. Growing old together.
But Blaine had already spoken on behalf of their future together, so Kurt decided to say something not related to his boyfriend.
"I'm looking forward to watching my dad make a difference in Congress," Kurt explained.
"I'm looking forward to being friends with all of you for the rest of my life," Rachel said.
"I know this sounds silly," Rory said, "and the peanut butter really is amazing, Mr. Schu, but do you know what I'm looking forward to? Winning at Regionals."
Everyone applauded at that.
"See?" Mr. Schu said. "There's so much to live for. And if the big things sometimes seem too big, remember the little things too. The way a gorgeous sunset can take your breath away. How amazing it feels to wake up and realize that you can just roll over and fall back asleep. The taste of your favorite food."
The teacher looked around the circle at all of his students.
"And don't ever feel like you're alone," he concluded. "Because you're not. We're all here for you."
"Thanks, Mr. Schu," Finn said.
They shifted topics to appropriate songs for Regionals, and by the end of the meeting they had figured out the songs that they were going to perform.
"See you guys tomorrow," Mr. Schu said as he left the auditorium.
Blaine walked over to Kurt and grabbed his hand.
"Hold on," Kurt said, watching as Mercedes gathered her things.
Instead of letting go, Blaine just allowed Kurt to lead him over to Mercedes.
"Hey," Kurt said to his friend, "can we talk?"
"Hey Kurt," she said brightly. "Yeah, sure!"
Kurt was surprised by how confident he felt confronting his friend like this.
"I didn't appreciate your dismissive attitude during our discussion earlier," Kurt admitted.
That got Mercedes' attention.
"I understand that suicide is a serious issue," Mercedes said. "I just think that sometimes the whole issue gets overblown."
Blaine squeezed Kurt's hand; a silent way of telling him not to say anything that he would regret later.
"Overblown?" Kurt replied, his voice rising as anger and hurt flooded into his veins. "Karofsky tried to hang himself."
"You know what I mean," Mercedes said.
"Yeah," Kurt snapped, "I know exactly what you mean. You think that people need to just 'get over it' or 'man up' or whatever."
Mercedes tried to interrupt, but Kurt didn't let her.
"What you fail to realize as you voice your assumption that none of us are crazy enough to kill ourselves is that I thought about killing myself last year so many times I lost count!"
Kurt didn't have to turn around to know what the other students still in the auditorium were all staring at him.
Mercedes looked like he had just slapped her across her face.
"Kurt," she said, "I had no idea."
"No kidding," Kurt snapped. "And no, I never actually planned to kill myself. But I would cry myself to sleep at night. I would lie there and feel so helpless and alone that I didn't want to live anymore."
He had been just hopeful enough and had received enough love from his father and his friends in New Directions that he had never actually attempted to take his own life.
Instead, he had run to a new school in a desperate attempt to save himself. And it had been one of the best things to ever happen to him.
He saw Mercedes glance at Blaine, and Kurt turned to look at the other boy too.
Blaine's eyes were full of tears.
"The first night after the Sadie Hawkins dance," Blaine said softly, "I felt so... alone."
He took a deep breath. "I had only been out for a few months, and I felt like I had ruined my entire life. My parents, my friends, my classmates. Everyone suddenly treated me differently. And those guys beat the crap out of me."
Kurt knew that his own experience coming out to his family and friends had been comparatively easy. He had always been noticeably different, so his official "coming out" hadn't been a huge shock to his father or his close friends. But Blaine was more traditionally masculine. It wasn't a stretch to imagine that some of the people in Blaine's life might not have known about his sexuality until he told them.
"I never wanted to show my face outside of my house again," Blaine continued. "I felt like I had nowhere to go. And I felt like nobody would ever... would ever really love me again. I was messed up."
Blaine closed his eyes, and Kurt reached out to brush the tears off his cheeks. He squeezed Blaine's hand as tightly as he could.
"So I planned the whole thing. How I would do it. What I would wear. I even wrote a letter to my parents."
Blaine opened his eyes and finally turned to look at Kurt, and Kurt's heart ached as he saw the pain in the other boy's eyes.
"I couldn't do it," Blaine said quietly.
Kurt's breath hitched and he pulled his hand out of Blaine's grip so he could wrap his arms around Blaine.
"I'm so glad," he whispered in Blaine's ear. "So, so glad. I love you so much."
He could hear Blaine sniffling, and he clutched the other boy as tightly as he could.
"I'm okay now," Blaine reassured everyone as he pulled out of Kurt's embrace. "I made it to Dalton and started to find myself again, and then I met you," he nudged Kurt's foot with his own, "and I've never been happier to be alive."
Kurt had to hug him again. He never wanted Blaine to leave his side again.
"I'm sorry, guys," Mercedes said quietly.
"It's okay," Blaine said, pulling away again – but grabbing Kurt's hand in the process – so he could look at Mercedes. "Just..."
"I know," Mercedes nodded, wiping tears from her eyes.
Kurt kept a firm grip on Blaine's hand as the other boy hugged Mercedes.
"I'm glad you're alive," she said seriously as she picked up her bag. "And thanks for telling us."
Blaine nodded.
"Thanks, Mercedes," Kurt said. They hugged, and soon the only students left in the auditorium were Kurt and Blaine.
"We have each other," Kurt reminded Blaine, wrapping his arms around Blaine's neck to kiss him.
"Mmmm," Blaine hummed against Kurt's lips. "And – mmmm – soon we'll have a Regionals trophy, which is – mmmm – almost as good."
Kurt laughed. He pushed Blaine back a few steps until his back hit the wall and they kissed until they had to pause to breathe.
"Almost," Kurt teased, happy to see joy in Blaine's eyes again, "but not quite."
KURT
On the way home that evening, Kurt finally went to the hospital.
He passed a nurse coming out of Karofsky's room, and he caught the door before it closed all the way.
"Can I come in?" he asked as Karofsky noticed him.
Karofsky nodded, and Kurt stepped into the room. He placed the vase of flowers he had brought along on a desk already nearly covered with well-wishes and turned to look at the other boy.
"The doctors took me off seventy-two hour watch," Karofsky said. "I get to go home tomorrow."
"That's great," Kurt replied. He could feel tears pooling in his eyes as he looked at the boy in the hospital bed and wished desperately that he could've done something to save Karofsky from this pain.
"I'm really happy that you're alive, David," Kurt said.
"Me too," Karofsky admitted.
That was good to hear. Relief and sadness and guilt washed over Kurt, and he couldn't speak for a moment. Instead, he grabbed a chair and pulled it closer to Karofsky's hospital bed.
"I should've returned your calls," he admitted.
"Why would you after the way I've treated you?" Karofsky said, his voice cracking with emotion.
"It's okay," Kurt reassured him.
"No, it's not okay," Karofsky replied. "It's like you said on Valentine's Day. I made your life a living hell for months."
Kurt's heart felt like it was being shredded into a million pieces. Their relationship was so complicated.
"But," Karofsky continued, "when the same thing happened to me, I couldn't even take it for a week."
Kurt tried not to let the memories of the months leading up to his transfer to Dalton play out in his mind. This was about the person Karofsky was now, not the person he had been then.
"My supposed best friend telling me he never wants to talk to me again," Karofsky explained some of the things that had happened in his life since Valentine's Day. "My mom telling me that I have a disease... that maybe I can be cured."
He started to cry. "I don't know what to do," he admitted.
Kurt wiped a tear from his own face.
"I can't go back to that school," Karofsky said, and Kurt's chest tightened painfully. He knew that feeling. That tone of voice.
Karofsky needed reassurance. He needed someone to show him the light at the end of the tunnel.
Kurt wasn't sure if he could ever help someone as much as Blaine had helped him, but he was going to try.
"Then go to another school," Kurt said confidently. "I'm not gonna lie to you, it– it isn't going to be easy. And there'll be some days when life just sucks. But you're gonna get through this. Because I'm gonna help you. And so is everyone else who loves you and accepts you for who you are. And if they can't accept that, then... screw 'em, right?"
Karofsky nodded.
"This week," Kurt continued, "um, Mr. Schu had us think about something we're looking forward to in the future. You wanna give it a go?"
"I don't know," Karofsky said.
"Come on," Kurt encouraged. "I'll help you. Close your eyes, and imagine what life could be like in ten years. You're sitting in a fantastic office. You're some kind of successful professional. A lawyer, maybe. Or –"
"Could I be a sports agent?" Karofsky interrupted.
Kurt opened his eyes briefly, happy that Karofsky was imagining his future in such detail.
"Sure," Kurt allowed, closing his eyes again. "You're a big sports agent, living in the city of your dreams because you left Lima and never looked back. Your handsome partner comes to visit you in your office and brings along your son. You're taking the rest of the day off work because you're taking your son to his first football game. You lean over to your partner, and you say –"
"I am so happy right now," Karofsky breathed.
Kurt opened his eyes to see hope in Karofsky's.
"You, uh, you said last week," Karofsky said, "you wanted to be friends?"
Kurt nodded.
"I'd like that," Karofsky admitted.
Kurt reached out and grasped his hand. "Me too," he said.
Karofsky smiled. "Thanks, Kurt," he said.
"I'll see you soon, okay?" Kurt said as he released Karofsky's hand and stood up.
Karofsky nodded, and Kurt turned to leave.
"Kurt?"
He turned back around just before he reached the door.
"What do you imagine when you think of your life in ten years?"
Kurt smiled and thought about it for a moment.
"I see New York," he said. "And Broadway. And maybe a fashion line too, because in my imagination I can do it all."
They both laughed.
"And I see Blaine," Kurt said, almost forgetting that Karofsky was there at all as he imagined what his future could be with the dark-haired boy who was the love of Kurt's life.
"I need to be formally re-introduced to your boyfriend," Karofsky commented lightly. "Our brief interactions haven't exactly been... positive."
Kurt smiled.
"We'll do dinner sometime soon," he suggested. "You, me, and Blaine."
"That sounds nice," Karofsky agreed.
"Bye," Kurt waved as he opened the door. "See you soon."
"Good luck at Regionals," Karofsky smiled, and Kurt disappeared into the hallway.
BLAINE
"Alright guys, listen up!" Mr Schu said, climbing onto the piano bench as New Directions prepared to perform at Regionals. "Don't let them get into your heads, okay? Stay focused on what we do best."
"Show circle time!" Artie announced. "Come on, let's huddle up!"
As Blaine joined the circle, he thought about Regionals the year before. He and Kurt had just gotten together. And they had both been Warblers.
Now they were both in New Directions, and they had just watched the Warblers put on a good show. But Blaine knew they could beat the boys from his old school.
"Okay, uh... Finn, you wanted to start us off?" Mr. Schu remembered.
"Yeah," Finn said. "I know it's kinda short notice... but, after the competition, Rachel and I are gonna get married. At the Justice of the Peace at the municipal center."
Nobody said anything in response, but the shock was clear on everyone's faces.
"There'll be some light refreshments afterwards," Rachel added. "My dads and I were rolling finger sandwiches all night long."
"With everything that's happened lately," Finn said, "we thought a lot about what Mr. Schu said. "We didn't want to wait any more. We just want to live every day like it's our last. So, we wanted to thank a lot of you guys who were supportive of our decision to get married."
"And, for those of you who maybe weren't the biggest fans of our impending nuptials," Rachel said, "we thank you also. So, after we win, we would really love it if all of you would come to our wedding."
Blaine wasn't sure why they were choosing this moment to announce their plan, but he nodded.
"Come on, bring it in," Mr. Schu encouraged, and Blaine knew that there would be time for thinking about Finn and Rachel's wedding after the competition.
Now, they needed to focus.
KURT
"The 2012 Midwest Regional champions... from McKinley High, the New Directions!"
The time between the announcement and when they all made it back to the choir room passed in a blur.
After a round of hugs and cheers and a brief speech by Mr. Schu, New Directions had to split up to prepare for Finn and Rachel's wedding.
Kurt grabbed Blaine's hand and pulled him down the hallway. Sam had agreed to get Kurt and Blaine's outfits from the house, so they had a little extra time to kill before they needed to drive over to the municipal center.
They passed Quinn in the hallway, and Kurt was surprised to see that she was wearing her Cheerios uniform.
"Hey, Fabray, lookin' good!" Blaine complimented.
"Thanks boys," Quinn replied, "catch you later!"
"You really shouldn't encourage her," Kurt chided as they turned the corner. "Cheerleader Quinn isn't as nice as regular Quinn."
Blaine swung their interlaced hands. "Quinn's a sweetheart," he countered.
Kurt laughed. "Everyone is a sweetheart in your eyes," he teased as they reached their destination. Blaine rolled his eyes, but he allowed Kurt to drag him into the girl's bathroom. Kurt moved to check his appearance in the mirror. Blaine stepped up to the mirror beside him and let out a long sigh.
Kurt reached out with his leg to nudge Blaine's foot with his own. Blaine nudged him back, but didn't say anything. Kurt nudged his foot again.
"We can't get married."
Kurt's mouth dropped open and his heart lurched unexpectedly. He wasn't sure if he was more shocked by the words or by Blaine's severely bitter tone of voice.
"I'm serious," Blaine turned his head to look at Kurt. His eyes were blazing. "Rachel and Finn can just make the decision and get married a few days later."
He released a heavy breath of air and started furiously adjusting his bow tie with the aid of the mirror. Kurt stayed silent during the momentary pause, knowing that Blaine wasn't finished.
"And we," Blaine started again, motioning broadly with his arms to indicate both of them, "can't get married ever. Not now, not a year from now, not ten years from now!"
Unable to straighten his bow tie to his liking, Blaine pulled it off and threw it down on the countertop. Kurt didn't know what to do or say – there was nothing he could do or say to make the situation better – so he opted to remain silent to see if Blaine was going to say anything else. Or look at him again.
"And you know what?" Blaine turned and pointed at Kurt to reinforce his point, "I'm happy for them."
Kurt nodded, feeling a shred of amusement at how important Blaine felt it was to be happy for their friends, and Blaine continued again. "Sure, they're crazy. But okay. They love each other. They want to grow old together. And marriage," Blaine's tone was morphing from furious to overwhelmed, "whether it should be or not, is society's declaration of that intention. So why shouldn't we have an equal opportunity to get married before we're twenty if we want to?"
He groaned in frustration and wouldn't meet Kurt's gaze.
Kurt moved carefully, slipping between the counter and Blaine, forcing the other boy to refocus his attention. Blaine's eyes landed on his, and now all that Kurt could see in his eyes was sadness.
"Things change," Kurt said quietly, draping his arms loosely around Blaine's hips.
Some of the sadness in Blaine's eyes transitioned to affection, and he reached out to play with Kurt's suspenders. "Some things don't change," he said sweetly.
"Mmmm," Kurt hummed in agreement, "like how great it feels to make it to Nationals two years in a row."
"Speak for yourself," Blaine pouted.
Kurt smiled.
"So... we're going to go to Finn and Rachel's wedding, yes?" he asked lightly.
Blaine rolled his eyes. "We don't have to like it, but we do have to go. Yes."
BLAINE
When they were dressed and ready for the ceremony, Blaine and Kurt sat with the bridesmaids as Rachel and Finn debated over waiting for Quinn.
"It's now or never," Finn said.
Rachel grabbed her phone and sent a text message – Blaine assumed she was texting Quinn – and then turned back around to face Finn.
"Okay," she said.
Suddenly, one of Rachel's dads stumbled and nearly fell.
"Dad!" Rachel cried as Burt caught Hiram and helped him to a seat. She rushed over to him.
"Just feeling a bit faint," Hiram said, fanning himself. "I need a minute."
Blaine turned his back to the room as the sudden flurry of activity made him want to roll his eyes.
"I feel like we're living in a horrible reality television show," Kurt whined.
"This is fun!" Sugar, who was lounging sideways in the chair next to Blaine, argued. "Everyone looks so pretty!"
"You look beautiful," Blaine said to her.
"Thank you," she flailed her arms.
KURT
"Okay!" Rachel said, walking over to where Kurt, Blaine, and the bridesmaids were sitting. "We're ready! Let's go!"
They all stood up and followed Rachel into the hallway.
"The groomsmen are already inside," she motioned to the door that led to the room where the wedding would take place.
As Rachel's eyes met his, Kurt suddenly saw her.
Rachel was getting married.
His best friend.
Without thinking, he shoved his way through the crowd of pink dresses and threw his arms around Rachel.
"Oh!" she gasped, surprised, but she hugged him back.
Kurt hated himself for the tears in his eyes when they finally stepped back from the hug, but he was comforted by the fact that there were tears in Rachel's eyes, too.
"Thanks, Kurt," she whispered.
Kurt just nodded and walked back to where Blaine was standing.
"Don't look at me like that," he grumbled as Blaine grinned at him.
As Rachel's dads hugged their daughter and the group prepared to enter the room for the ceremony, Mr. Schu suddenly appeared in the doorway.
Followed by a police officer.
Kurt watched as the police officer took Rachel and her dads aside, and he joined Blaine and the girls as they gathered around Mr. Schu to figure out what was going on.
Quinn had been in an accident.
Mr. Schu didn't have many details, but he knew that Quinn was on her way to the hospital. The extent of her injuries wasn't clear.
Rachel lost it completely. As Kurt, dragging Blaine along, entered the room where the wedding was supposed to take place, Finn brushed by him into the hallway, and Kurt hoped that Finn and Rachel's dads could comfort her.
Burt and Carole rushed over when they saw Kurt entering the room, and Kurt hugged his father tightly before also embracing Carole.
"Let's go home," Burt said sadly. "There's not going to be a wedding today."
I will never be over how absolutely perfect the Cough Syrup montage was... the song, the acting (the acting!), and the juxtaposition of Blaine and Karofsky... just perfect.
Up next... 'Big Brother'!