Chapter 20

The quiet can be so deafening sometimes.

I don't know how long I have been sitting here when I hear Henry's footsteps heading towards me.

But I do know that I have had the chance to finish almost half of my bottle of cider that I had on reserve, or really just hidden in one of my drawers in my study.

I don't know how it even started, the drinking I mean.

I was just sitting here and thinking about her, and about second chances, and all of a sudden all I wanted was to relive those moments we shared in this very room.

I want to feel the heat of the fire on our skin; I want to feel her heat on my skin.

Oh how the mind can be such a dangerous thing.

Looking up, I shake my head and try to clear those thoughts, as I smile towards Henry, who is just standing at the door looking at me, or at least I try to smile, but I think I failed because his brows crease in concern.

I look away; try to hide my face in embarrassment. Who was I kidding… allowing Emma to invade my mind like this.

How could I want something that isn't real? I am not some child who believes in fantasies or fairytales... even if my entire life has been dictated by some stupid book and author.

Then something clicks finally. I look towards him, standing so uncertainly in my doorway.

My boy, my life… he is the new author. How could I forget?

"Oh no Henry!" I cry out as tears start running down my face and he finally runs towards me.

"Mom, what is it? What happened?" he whispers as he comes to sit beside me on the floor.

What am I even doing on the floor? It's then that I realize that the room is trashed but I cannot even recall how it happened.

I look towards Henry, who is studying me closely while he situates himself directly in front of me with his hands on my shoulders.

It makes me cry even more. How could I have been so selfish? How could I forget such a thing about my child?

I haven't even had the chance to fully come to terms with the fact that my son is the next author. Something so incredibly important that no one has even bothered to talk about since this whole mess happened.

My boy, who is actually turning into a man, and an amazing man at that.

Unlike most of the pitiful men I've known in my life, even my father, who I loved so much, was never the man I needed him to be.

"Mom please, what happened? It is Emma?" he says to me pleadingly, and I just cup his face and really look at him.

"What did I do to deserve you? Surely it was a mistake, for me to get so lucky to have you." I say to him swaying a bit.

My eyes are getting heavier as I look into his eyes.

"I love you so much Henry, but I can't make it better. I tried so hard sweetheart." I tell him, as I rub his cheeks as his own tears start to leak slowly out.

And I did try, from the beginning to be a good mother to him. To be everything to him that Cora was never for me. To give him everything he could ever want or need. I even considered getting closer to Graham so that he could be a good role model to Henry, a father figure. But that all changed; she came in and showed me that I knew absolutely nothing.

"I was so wrong…" I slur out, now leaning my head forward and on his shoulder.

She broke all the parenting rules and Henry still loved her, even more so because of it.

All those times, those determined eyes, her shoulder set defiantly and ready for whatever came her way.

All the things I ever wanted in a man.

Someone unwavering and unwilling to back down for what they believe in, even if it was against everything that was considered right or good. She was still the savior in the end, however unconventional she was, this town accepted her with open arms.

If only I had accepted her too. Where would we be today?

I hear Henry say something and turn to see he is on the phone, and looking at me with so much concern.

I can't possibly have this breakdown in front of him, and I can already feel it coming. My magic is unstable, and I am scared I may not be able to contain it much longer.

"It's ok… sweetheart, don't worry." I wave my hand in the air, and reach for something to grab and pull myself up.

"I am just a little tired is all. I may go lie down for a bit." I tell him and get up, most ungracefully and start walking towards the door.

Getting to the stairs with as much dignity as I can takes more time and focus than I expected. I am trying so hard to walk straight that I do not hear Henry until he's standing directly in front of me, "Mom can you hear me? Maybe you should sit down for a bit, I can get you some water. Have you eaten today?" He asks.

Who is the parent here?

"Henry, don't worry. I'm okay. I ate with your mother this morning…" I say as I walk around him and start to climb the stairs.

I'm on my knees before I know it, and realize that I am really in no condition to walk.

I turn to my left and see Henry reaching for me.

I can't help the laugh that falls from my mouth.

I look over to him, and he looks like he doesn't know what to do, and it makes me laugh more until I'm crying again.

What a pathetic person I've become.

"What would your mother think of me now?" I ask him, "Would she even want me anymore?" I ask as I look at him, and this makes him quirk his head and look at me a little differently.

"Mo.." I cut him off before he can speak.

"To think she actually wanted me in the first place. And now look at me, a stumbling drunk who can't even climb the stairs." I laugh to myself again, and this time when Henry tried to pull me up I pull him down so he on the stairs next to me.

"Actually maybe that's exactly what she wants, since she is with that one handed fool. He's such a poor excuse of a man, and she still stays with him." I snark.

"Mom, what are you talking about? Did something happen between you and.." he asks, and because of the liquor coursing through my veins, or just because I cant hold it in anymore I decide to tell him everything.

"Oh honey if you only knew… " I start and just let if all out, the diner incident and her moving in with us. I just tell him everything.

We sit there for what seems like hours, and I know by the end of it I am starting to sober a bit. But not enough to spare him some intimate details I would have not otherwise shared.

"So you think she might have been your second chance?" Henry finally asks

after it had been silent for quite some time.

"I honestly have no clue, dear. I am just so exhausted." I tell him, and reach for his hand, pulling it into my lap and holding tight.

"But mom, this is great news. I mean I liked Robin for you because I mean, we thought he would make you happy but, look where that lead." He says, actually smiling a bit at the end. "It's like you had to go through all of this to get to her…" He says.

"Are you telling me that you are okay with what I've told you? I know this is a lot to take in, I don't even understand it." I tell him and lean back on the stairs that we are still sitting on and rest my head back.

"Mom after everything we have been through, do you really need to ask me that?" he sounds offended and I sit up immediately.

"Oh no, I know you have been through too much for your age, and I never wanted you to have to worry about all of this…"

"No, Mom, you listen for a second okay?" he says, and I smile at him nodding yes.

"Okay, so from what you told me, which is not surprising considering everything else that has happened since the curse broke… you somehow went back in time and you used that time to befriend Emma and let her live with us, and you eventually even…." He stops there and grimaces a little.

"Yes, sorry okay, I was not thinking clearly enough to filter some of what I told you, please just don't look at me like that." I tell him and immediately a flush takes over my face.

"No its okay, I mean, it's not okay for you to tell me those details.. like ever again… but I am glad that you finally trust me enough to tell me. And I'm not a kid mom; I signed on for Operation Mongoose and am willing to go wherever it may lead." He says and I am shocked.

"But honey do you understand what this means? That I've ruined everything and it will never be okay, it will never work out." I muster out, my voice strained at the end.

"That's where you are wrong mom. I mean, I need to think more about this, ofcourse. But I really just want you to be happy. Seeing you in that coma, and not having Emma with me, well… it made me realize a lot of things…" He says, this time looking down and I can tell that the mood has shifted again.

"What things, dear?" I ask gently.

"That I was so horrible to you for so long. All you ever did was love me, and I was so selfish, and I said such bad things, mom I'm so sorry." He says, and I can tell that he has his own demons that he's fighting as well.

"Oh no, Henry, look at me," I say and turn him towards me.

"You are the very best thing that has ever happened to me, I love you so much. I know that most if not all of what happened was my fault. You were young, and so hopeful and I made you think you were going crazy. I was the parent and I should have done more. You cannot blame yourself sweetheart, I was the adult, not you. But it means so much to me to know that you are sorry for what you did, because it did hurt. Not matter if I deserved it, it hurt me so very deeply." I confess to him, and actually feel some weight lifting off of my shoulders as he moves closer to me and hugs me to his side.

"Honey, I really wish you did not have to see me like this. But I do have some good news for you. Why don't we go into the kitchen and I will warm up some food for you and we can discuss it." I tell him, and I rise off of the stairs, feeling numbness in my legs and rear from being in such a position for so long.

"Actually dear, I need to get cleaned up first, so why don't you do the same and I will meet you I the kitchen in say… 30 minutes." I ask as I help pull him up and start dusting off his clothes.

"Okay, mom, and uh… thanks again for telling me. We are gonna make it all better, I promise." He says as he smiles up at me and I see a bit of a devilish grin. I know that smile, and I know that he is already up to something in his mind.

"Alright dear, I'll see you shortly." I say as I start to ascend the stairs.

….

It felt nice to spend time with Henry, so much so that I did not want to return to Emma's cell that night. I didn't want her to think that I was abandoning her, but at the same time I had barely spent any time with Henry in so long and I knew we needed it.

After getting cleaned up, and by that I mean going upstairs and taking some Advil for my throbbing head and also taking a shower.

I then called Snow and told her that I would be spending the night at home with Henry, and also if she could have Ruby drop off some food for Emma, and let her know that I would return the following day.

I felt nervous for being away from her especially with all the progress she made, but I had to take time for myself, and for our son. I just hope that she doesn't fall back into the despair that had set in before.

After dinner we decided to go up to my room and watch television in my bed.

I missed the mundane things such as this.

Henry would always want to watch scary shows as a child, but would scare easily and end up cuddled up in bed with me. I always cherished those moments.

I told him that for tonight we could pretend that things were normal, and so far he was doing a great job.

"Mom, can I ask you a question?" he asked while our eyes were both trained on the television.

"Ofcourse dear."

"Do you love her? "He says so nonchalantly, but I can't hide the surprised gasp that escapes my mouth.

"I don't think I can answer that honestly dear. It's so much more complicated than a simple yes or no." I tell him, fully turning to face him.

"But you love grams, I can tell, and even gramps, I can see it in the way you laugh at him when he's having one of his not-so-smart moments." He says, and I try to think of a way to explain.

"Yes that's true, I have grown to love our family Henry, but Emma is a different story altogether. If you asked me before all of this happened if I loved Emma my answer would be yes. It would be in the way you love people in your family, or your friends that you grow to love." I tell him.

"Well was that so hard then was it?" he teases and at that moment he seems like the younger Henry; always cheeky and ready to poke fun.

"Well it is actually harder than that, dear" I poke him in his stomach and he laughs.

"Why's it different with Emma? I'm just trying to understand if all that happened when you went back in time… how come you didn't know?"

He has me stumped. How can I explain something to him that I don't even fully understand?

If I'm truthful with myself, she has always been an enigma, someone who could push my buttons. I guess it was time that I am truthful with him as well.

"I going to be completely honest with you right now Henry. Please try to understand that as we get older things get less and less black and white and there are a lot of grey areas… Do you understand what I mean?" I ask, and I can already see the wheels turning in his head. He is so smart and I am so proud of him for always trying so hard to understand things.

"Yeah I think so."

"Well I think that when it comes to Emma, I have always felt things for her. But because I wasn't used to those kinds of emotions, I just thought they were something else and I fought it. Remember at the time, I was fighting hard to hold onto you, and the curse hadn't broken yet. I pushed her very hard when I thought she was going to take away everything I had worked so hard for, everything I sacrificed would have been for nothing. I couldn't let that all go without a fight." I say to him, and he nods enthusiastically.

"So how was it different when you went back?" he asks, and I am glad to be able to speak so freely with him.

"It was different because I already knew that there was no fighting the inevitable. I knew that it was going to happen, and at the point I was already friends with

Emma here and didn't see her as a threat. So when I woke up in that other time I decided to just see how things would be if we didn't fight." I tell him, but it's almost like I am speaking to myself. Having never rehashed all that had happened; now it was all making too much sense.

"And that's how you ended up liking eachother? I mean mom I can remember some of the things you told me earlier when you were more… uhh… drunk. You talked about the diner, which I remember and when we watched the moves together. But I don't remember the other times…" He says.

"That's because you may have been at school, or asleep or in another room, dear. I know you try to have your eyes and ears everywhere, but that's not always the case." I say playfully to him and he blushes.

"So was your kiss magical? Why didn't it break the curse right there and then?" He asks, and there he goes again about the fairytales.

"I'm not sure dear, but as I told you before, I didn't know how I felt, and the first I kissed your mother I actually thought it had been Robin." I say, and now it was me who was blushing and ducking down.

"So tell me how you knew that you felt different about her, I read in the book that Snow White and Prince Charming also didn't get along at first…" He says, getting a dreamy kind of look on his face.

"My my Henry, I never knew you were such the romantic." I say, and he blushes even more.

"Mooooom, c'mon, get back to your story, I wanna know what Ma did that changed your mind." He says eagerly and sits up in the bed.

I put my hand on his cheek then, and caress it as he leans into my touch. I hope he never changes, this amazing young man.

"Alright, back to the story as you call it. Well at first it was strange to be back to a time when things were so bad between you and I. But then Emma was different as well. The less that I pushed her the more I found myself being drawn to her. Her piercing green eyes, and that infectious laugh. I daresay I hadn't laughed like that in so long. And when she moved in it was nice having someone around. but more than that, it was nice having her around. She tried to help in little ways that she didn't think I would notice, but I always did." I told him.

"Like what?" he asked?

"Like small things, if we were almost out of milk then a new bottle would appear. Or the dishes in the dishwasher would be put away. Or the trash, she made sure to take it out everynight. Even on the nights she worked late, I always left it to see if she would do it, and every morning the would be a fresh trashbag, and I even left things laying around in the kitchen to see what would happen…."

"But I don't get it, whats the big deal? Isn't that what people normally did for eachother?" he asks.

"Perhaps yes, Henry, but try to remember that I raised you by myself and have always done everything by myself. And I never once asked her to do these things. I think… to me.. it meant so much more to me than some grand gesture. It showed that she cared, and she was trying to contribute. She also learned just how I liked my coffee…. After several failed attempts, and always had a fresh cup ready on my early mornings." I say as I think back to all these moments, they bring a smile to my face. I never added it all up, but as I tell him I see now just how hard she tried.

"Mom you have to know that she was nothing like that, the one year we spent out of Storybrook. To be honest, she was kind of the slob, and I usually cleaned." He said smiling at me.

This shocked me because I had never really been exposed to that side of her, but it made our moments together that much more special. I couldn't contain the large grin on my face.

"Yes… well I'm sure she was just scared that I might kick her to the curb, dear." I rationalize with him.

"No way mom, I think it sounds a lot like love. That's what you do when you love someone…" He says and I cannot hide the blush that rises again to my cheeks.

"Yes I suppose you are right." I say to him.

"And mom.."

"Yes?" I ask.

"It sounds like you are in love with her too." He says as he smiles and turns in bed, putting out his light and throws over his shoulder, "Good night, love you."

Shock evident on my face, I turn to turn off my light as the words he said sink in, and I cannot help but agree with him.

"Yes Henry, Good night, and I love you too.

…