Tobias' POV
I wake up the next morning curled around Tris; my arms shielding her from the world and my body protecting her from behind. I carefully untangle myself and stand up. I stretch and yawn at the same time. I feel the pull of fatigue luring me back to bed, but I resist it. Instead I quickly (but quietly) get changed into some comfortable clothes, and jog out the door, but not before looking at Tris' sleeping form and praying she won't have another nightmare while I'm gone. She's never had more than one a night, but there's a first for everything.
I run out of the building into the cold, crisp morning air. Zipping my sweater up to my neck, I run towards where the sculpture of the water once was. It was removed quite recently, a big ceremony where they released all of the water, so that instead it went from drop by drop to a river of water flowing over the sculpture. Nothing changes significantly over time; the biggest changes happen within hours.
Minutes.
Seconds.
As I run past the space the sculpture once occupied I think about how your life can change instantly. Like, when I pulled Tris out of the net, and it was as if nothing in my life had ever mattered until I held her small hand in mine, and her gray eyes had met my blue ones. I didn't know I was in love with her, but I knew she was special, and that she would change my life.
And she did.
Without Tris, I would've been factionless. My entire life would've been different. So different, I can't even imagine it. Because without Tris, there is no meaning to my life. She is my life.
I had always been alone; always me against the world. I hadn't realized I was missing a piece of me until Tris came along waving it in my face, showing me what it's like to be whole, to be happy. But there was something always threatening that happiness.
I hated seeing her wake up like that, in the middle of the night, crying and shaking. I hated that the terror came from the unreachable corners of her mind, leaving me utterly helpless. It scared me knowing that I couldn't do anything. She never spoke of it, leaving these endless night terrors in between us, like a veil moving with a summer night's breeze.
I slow to a walk and sigh, turning back towards the dorm room.
I finally get back to our room, and walk in as Tris sits up.
"Went for a jog?" She asks.
"Ya. I need to get back in shape!" I say and she laughs.
"You need to get back in shape? Excuse me?" She says and waves her hands over her body.
I walk over and take her hand between both my hands and put my face a few inches away from her, so that her breath is on my face and my breath is on hers.
"You're beautiful" I whisper, and peck her on the lips.
"Maybe I was, but now…" She says and sighs.
"You're beautiful" I growl and kiss her again.
She pulls back. "And you're sweaty!" She exclaims and laughs. I smile and sniff.
"You don't smell too nice either!" She sticks her tongue out at me and throws her legs over the bed. She grabs a pair of clothes and a towel and dashes out the door. I follow her.
"What are you doing?" I yell from down the hall, chasing her.
"Getting to the shower first!" She screams over her shoulder and rushes into the bathroom. I hear a lock and sigh.
I go back to the room and wait for her. About fifteen minutes later she walks into the room, changed and drying her hair with the towel. Her hair has grown just past her shoulders now, but she doesn't cut it.
"You can take your shower now!" She says and flops down on the bed next to me.
"We need to talk first." I say and turn to her. Her happy demeanor fades.
"Your nightmares have been getting worse, and we both know it. You say you've been taking your meds, but I don't think you have. I think you've slowly been taking yourself off them. Don't lie to me Tris, am I right?"
She doesn't respond, instead looks at anywhere but me.
"Damn it, Tris! I knew it! You can't do that! The meds are going to help you! You're not back in Erudite, everything they're giving you is going to help you get better!" I say, but the last part comes out as a whisper, "Don't you want to get better?"
She looks at me. "Of course I want to get better!" She screams.
"Then why aren't you taking your medication?" I say calmly. I don't want this to turn into a real fight. We've had too many in not enough time.
"I don't trust them." She says quietly. "What if those drugs aren't what they say they are? What if it's some new drug they're testing out on me?"
"They're not Erudite." I say and move closer to her. "The factions don't exist anymore. There's no one trying to hurt you anymore. No one cares that you're Divergent. To everyone, you're a hero. You brought down the faction system. You made Chicago a safe city for GPs and GDs. Everyone wants you to get better."
"I don't want to take it." She whispers and a tear trickles down her face.
My face softens. "You have to, Tris. Please. Do it for me."
"That's not fair and you know it." She says, her face hardening with anger.
Damn it, Tobias. You were so close. I sigh.
"I take meds, too." I say and she looks at me.
"No, you don't." She says. I stand up and walk over to my drawer of clothes. I pull out the blue sock, then pull my container of meds out of it. I walk back to Tris and hand it to her.
"When you were in the hospital I lost too much weight, too quickly. I wasn't eating, moving, and the anxiety was eating me away. The doctors noticed and started subscribing me pills. I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to worry about me. I'm fine."
I take them back and cup her face in my hands.
"They're safe. I promise. We'll take them together." I say. She nods.
"Ok."
I lean in and kiss her, than pull back.
"You never told me what your nightmares were about." I murmur and open my eyes. Her abnegation grey eyes stare into mine.
Her eyes widen and she pulls her face out of my hands. She looks away.
"They're nothing." She says. I take her hands in my face again and hold her head so that she's looking at me.
"They're obviously not nothing." I say firmly. "I may not be erudite, but I know for a fact that those are not regular nightmares. Just tell me, Tris. I thought we promised no secrets!"
She looks around the room frantically, searching for an escape.
Tris' POV
I look anywhere but his face. How am I supposed to explain? It's too much, it's everything. Everything that's happened since the war. Will's death: my fault. My mother's death: my fault. My father's death: my fault. Being a lab rat and almost being killed in the Erudite compound: my fault. Betraying Tobias: my fault. My brother's almost death: my fault.
My baby's death: my fault.
Everything is my fault. I can take anything that has happened since the war and somehow link the blame to me. So many deaths, so much misery. Can I be forgiven for all that I've done?
How do I explain that I relive every bad moment in my dreams? That I see my finger pull the trigger, the bullet going through Will's head, over and over, like a never- ending record. That I see my mother crumple to the ground, see her lying on the road as I run away, leaving her body there; her blood pouring onto the pavement. All these moments, being relived in my head, as I stand paralyzed, watching over the scene as if I'm an angel.
But I know I am no where close to being an angel.
I don't know how to explain it to him, but I also know that I can't keep it to myself any longer. After everything we've been through, I know that our relationship must be mended by trust.
So as I explain it to him, the words tumbling out of my mouth without much sense and the tears streaming down my face, all I can think is,
Can I be forgiven for all that I've done to get here?
I want to be.
I can.
I believe it.
Sort of a filler chapter, I'm just trying to get back on path. There are no words to explain how sorry I am. I've been so busy with, well, everything. Life. I want to say thanks if you're still hanging around, because I know it must of been really annoying to wait, and for that, I'm sorry. You are all so loyal to me and I feel as if I've betrayed you. I'll try to write lots before I go off to camp, and then before I start highschool, becuase I know I'll be pretty busy at the beginning of the year. But until then,
Stay brave.
~Maxine