Chapter 23
As I begin to rouse from my slumber I'm afraid to open my eyes.
I think back to the terrible day I had with Emma and Ruby, and it feels like that is the alternate reality instead of the one that I experienced later in the day.
I know for sure that I'd much rather stay in the other one, the one where Emma and I are in love. Wow, to be in love with Emma is so different from anything I ever imagined.
Although it is not like I have had much time to think about it, only really admitting it to myself recently, but now as I think back I know that it has been growing deeper and deeper without me ever knowing it.
My feelings for her were always strong, whether it was aggravation, fear or jealousy; all of those feelings were so intense. They were more intense than any other feelings I had felt towards anyone, maybe ever. Not Daniel, although he will always be my first love. And not even Robin, who I had very intense feelings for in such a short period of time, but they never fully grew from what I know now to be more of an infatuation with the idea of him being my soul mate. I accept that I could have loved him, but the constant disappointment only pushed us further apart, even if a damn fairy said it was "meant to be".
My feelings for her do not compare to my feelings of despair for my mother, or the anger I felt towards Rumple, but they do match the intense feeling I have for our son whom I love more than anything else in this world.
Our son; I have gotten so used to saying that now, and it seems like it may not be like that for much longer. Not if Dark Emma is unable to control herself.
I wonder what set her off, I could have only been in the restroom for a few minutes when I heard the yelling, but whatever it was, it had to have been bad.
Ruby always knew how to push people's buttons, and I am sure that she did not realize that whatever she said or did would lead to what ultimately happened. I saw the pain in her eyes as she watched on in horror.
Just thinking about it makes me want to vomit. I swallow it down and try to focus on something else.
Instead of thinking of dark Emma, I'd like to focus instead on my beautiful and light Emma.
How could I have been so blind not to see the way she looked at me? I was even blind to my own beating heart as it accelerated every time she entered the room, every time she brushed by me, or pushed me to another breaking point.
I wonder what kind of lover she will be. I wonder if she will push me to my breaking points, if she will be as confident, or if she will show her gentler side.
What if I never get to find out? I cannot see myself being with the other Emma, not after all that has happened. Atleast not for a long time, if ever even and that thought depresses me.
Finally, I open my eyes and take in my surroundings and I am relieved to see that I am still on the floor in my study. I take in the room and flush a little as I see the clothes discarded around the room, and as I look down I see that our makeshift bed is missing someone.
I sit up and reach for my clothes and that's when I realize that only my clothes were left in the room, and Emma's are nowhere to be found.
I slowly dress myself, and begin to tidy up the room.
I don't know if I am ready to face whatever lies on the other side of that door so I take my time folding the blankets and putting the couches back to their original spots. I take the almost empty tumbler of alcohol and put it away, and grab the glasses off the table and that's when I see the time.
It's 11:30AM.
I quickly open the door and peer out, but hear no movement in the house.
After checking the kitchen and living room I run upstairs to see both rooms empty.
I reach for my phone only to realize that Henry does not have a cell phone yet in this time.
I go to my room and do not see any note left anywhere to tell me where they have gone.
I call Emma but then I hear her phone ringing in her room so I hang up.
It feels so strange to not know where Henry is. For so long I've been able to contact him, and now that he's out of reach it is like I've forgotten what to do. I've forgotten how utterly alone I was during this time in my life.
The only people I depended on were Graham and Sydney, one who I controlled because I had his heart and the other because he was in love with me. There was no way I would do that now.
The only thing I could do was wait and trust that Emma and he were alright, trust that Emma wouldn't let anything happen to our boy.
As I am getting out of the shower I distinctly hear the front door slam, and quickly grab my robe, not bothering to dry off completely as I practically dart down the stairs.
I practically run right into Emma as I am rounding the corner towards the front door.
"Whoa… there.. you nearly knocked me over." She laughs and then looks at me; her face instantly changing from lighthearted to something else in mere seconds.
Her look throws me off, and I quickly try to compose myself and hide the fact that I am so relieved to see her.
"Sorry, dear. I didn't see you there. I was concerned when I couldn't find either you or Henry…" I tell her but she is still not looking at my face and it annoys me.
"Emma, my eyes are up here, and I don't think this is the proper time to fool around." I say a little harshly, I may be happy to see her but it doesn't excuse the worry I just went through.
"Oh… I'm sorry, you're right." She says slowly bringing her eyes up to mine, and trying to hide a sheepish grin.
"Where is Henry?" I ask looking around her, and walking to the door.
"Wait… stop, Henry's with Ruby for the afternoon." She says as I reach the door and am pulling it open.
"With Ruby?" I ask, but she cuts me off.
"I said stop Regina… jeez you are going to give someone a heart attack." She says and she rushes around me to quickly slams the door shut.
"What are you talking about? And how many times do I have to tell you not to slam the door!" I tell her annoyed, and instantly feel bad at how I'm speaking to her. Especially after everything we've been through, but she can just be so infuriating.
"First off, hello and good morning, I took Henry over to Ruby's and apologized for how I acted last night and she offered to hang out with the kid so that you and I could um.. talk or whatever." She tells me, and then walks right up to me and kisses me, and then pulls back far too quickly for me to deepen it.
"Well why didn't you just say so dear? And why…" I start to ask when she cuts me off again.
"And second of all, I'm guessing you just got out of the shower because you smell amazing and your robe is wet and completely see through." She rushes out the last part as her eyes dart to the ceiling and that's when I finally look down to see that she is absolutely correct.
I grabbed one of my silk white robes but because I didn't nearly dry off in my haste to get down here, it is practically sheer.
I inhale deeply and begin to blush, "If you'll just excuse me." I tell her before I turn to run back upstairs, but before I can she is turning me around, and trying her hardest to maintain eye contact.
"No, I mean, of course you can go upstairs and change, but please never be embarrassed. I'm sorry I looked, but I'm not at the same time because I have never seen such beauty. Regina you are truly breathtaking. I'm sorry I slammed the door, but I didn't want anyone else to see you." She says the last part timidly, and it makes my stomach do that little flip again.
"I'm not embarrassed, Emma I am not at all ashamed of my body, I am aware of how people are attracted to me, but when you look at me like that it makes me feel young again, young and in love and shy. I do not do shy Ms. Swan!" I tell her as she pulls my body closer to hers.
"Yeah well, I think it's adorable." She says as she places a small kiss on the tip of my nose.
"I do not do adorable either!" I tell her and try to sound angry, but it hard when she's looking at me the way she is and holding me this close.
"Okay, sorry. How about sexy, desirable, gorgeous…delectable." She says clicking her tongue with the last word and I don't hesitate to kiss her hungrily, and she gives herself to me fully as I take charge of the kiss and push her up against a nearby table.
"Mmm" she moans and as I push her further into the table so that she is practically sitting on it as I climb on top of her straddling her lap.
As I pull away and look into her eyes I see her gulp as she slowly tries to look down.
"Uh uh Ms. Swan, did I say you could look?" I ask her teasingly, as I lift her chin up so we are staring at each other.
"Fuck Regina, I.. uuhh." She says panting and trying her best to keep her hands and eyes off of my body.
"Perhaps we should slow things down a bit and talk, like Ruby suggested." I ask her in a teasing tone, having a little too much fun with a hot and bothered Emma.
"I… I think you should change your clothes if you don't want me to take you right here on this table or the floor, or both." She tells me in the sexiest voice, even though she doesn't mean for it to come out so erotic.
The images that flash through my mind are anything but innocent and I know that I don't want to stop.
And then I realize that I may never have this again. Suddenly that thought comes crashing down on me as I look up and into her eyes, so kind and free and open to me. More open than the other Emma had ever let them be.
More open then she would ever let me see.
"Oh Emma… "I tell her so overcome with emotion that my voice cracks and my eyes begin to mist.
"I'm sorry I can wait, I didn't mean to push Regina." She reassures me.
I just pull her closer to me and hug her, and she instantly puts her hands around me as well as we embrace for several minutes, then pull back off of her and secure the robe tightly around me.
I put out my hand and she quickly jumps off the table and takes my hand and that's when I notice the brown paper bag on the floor.
"Oh, I brought bagels, thought we could have breakfast." She says shyly.
"Well perhaps you could bring that bag with you upstairs, if you want to join me in my bedroom, that is." I tell her as I lead her up the stairs.
…
It doesn't take long for us to get upstairs, and once we are in the room and she puts the paper bag down an awkward silence forms.
I don't know what to do so I head over to the bed and lie down on my side, scooting back so that I am in a sitting position and I see Emma slowly approaching the bed but instead of sitting next to me she comes to stand beside the bed next to me.
I look over at her and she's staring at me with a small smile on her face so I smile back. She comes closer bringing her hand to my cheek, "You are so beautiful Regina, I love you." She tells me.
"I love you too." I say smiling as I turn my face and kiss the inside of her hand, and then I take it in my hands and hold it lovingly.
"I'm sorry about… earlier, I just got a little caught up in the moment." She says looking away.
"Well I cannot exactly blame you, dear. I was quite literally offering myself to you in your lap. But I thought it would be nicer for us to slow down a bit, to really take our time. I don't want to rush through this." I say as I pull her closer to me and kiss her slowly.
She instantly responds by bringing her hands into my hair and massaging my skull while also running her hands through my hair. It feels so nice, and as I dart out my tongue to taste her mouth she opens it willingly and tastes me as well.
We do this for a few moments and as my hands trail down her slender arms I remember that she is still fully clothed so I reach down and begin to rid her of these unnecessary items.
We break apart while I quickly pull her shirt over her head and then she's back again. This time trailing kisses anywhere she can find; behind my ear, below my cheek, on my forehead, just everywhere.
I pull back and take a look at my progress, and grunt a little.
She looks to see what I am grunting about then giggles at me.
I pout.
"Oh, don't tell me that Miss Take Charge is mad because she can't get my pants off?" She asks me teasingly as she leans down and licks my clavicle bone.
"Uhh… well dear…you could help me out, you know, if you want some relief, otherwise I don't mind being the focus all on myself." I toy with her, and this gets her moving as she pulls back quickly and discards her pants and underwear in the most uncoordinated fashion.
Before I even have time to admire this gorgeous woman in front of me she is pressing herself against me again, but this time she slides me around so that I am now sitting with my legs hanging off the bed and I am fully facing her.
She gently presses my robe covered legs open enough to situate herself between them and then we are kissing again; much more frantically this time as she rolls my robe off of my shoulders so that they pool on my lap and we are both fully free to explore each other's chests.
I need to feel more of her so I quickly pull back and scoot further on the bed, when she looks up at me questioningly I just curl my finger towards her and tell her to come closer.
She doesn't need more prompting as she quickly climbs on the bed and pulls open the robe bunched up around my waist, and smiles up to me, "You are so hot Regina, I mean.. uhh.. so beautiful." She says, trying to correct herself.
I laugh out loud.
"It's okay Emma; I don't mind you calling me hot in the bedroom dear. Plus, you make me feel hot, and wanted… and so much more…" I trail off as she lifts herself and then situates herself above my lap and begins to straddle my waist.
At first contact it feels divine. The way our bodies mold together, and then she is taking my hands and lifting them above my head as she bends down and starts peppering kisses across my chest, my neck and then she is kissing my lips hungrily, but as the rocks her hips into mine I suddenly feel trapped.
I close my eyes and my mind flashes to the other Emma, the way she held my hands above my head, the way she ground her hips into mine and I feel paralyzed again.
I gasp out, and try to fight the urge to scream, but as she grinds further into me I cannot stop the panic that takes over.
I try to move my hands that are locked above my head, but she has her hands holding them down, and I cannot move.
I try to push Dark Emma out of my mind as she takes my nipple in her mouth. I try to focus on the wonderful sensations that were building in my body before this but all I can feel is the pressure on my waist and hands.
All I hear is her repeating that I am evil, that's I'll always be evil; her laughing devilishly as Ruby cried outside the cell.
I can't do this. Not now. I need this to stop.
"Emma.." I try to say but no voice is coming out, so I clear my throat and try again, "Emma… " I say louder but she just takes this as encouragement as she slides lower down my body and is kissing her way down my body.
It feels wrong, so wrong; I don't know what I was thinking.
My body is tense and I don't want to hurt her but I cannot take this any longer, I try to free my hands, and this time she lets go as she brings her hands to my hips pulling me closer to the edge of the bed as she peppers kisses on my thighs now, but I resist, I pull back, but she's too heavy on my lower body for it to make a difference.
I look down, panic on my face and she finally looks up to me smiling so sweetly until she sees my face.
Immediately she's climbing up the bed beside me, gently taking me in her arms.
"Regina, what's wrong? Did I hurt you? I thought we were…" she looks at me questioningly and so concerned that I hide my face, I don't know what to tell her.
She stays quiet while we just lie there for a few minutes and I can feel her erratic heart rate, I can smell her desire for me.
I look down at our bodies and we fit so perfectly together, her skin so soft and beautiful, but I cannot get myself to go further with her. Not right now atleast.
I take a deep breath, try to control the tremor that I'm sure will come out in my voice ad I finally speak up.
"I'm sorry, I can't Emma. I just.." I say, my body tensing for her reaction.
"It's okay" she says very softly as she slowly strokes my hair
"No, it really isn't, I don't want you to think I am just leading you on…" I tell her in an angry voice.
"You forget Regina, I know you, I know you wouldn't do that to me. Hell we've been through some tough stuff but that doesn't change the fact that I'm here for you. I love you, and I can wait." She reassures me, but it only makes me angrier.
Do I not deserve one moment of true happiness, can I not even make love to the woman I love?
"No, it's not okay. I want you so much… but I, my past…" I try to explain, but what could I really say? I cannot tell her, and it's not fair.
"Hey you don't have to tell me anything, you're it for me. I can wait." She tells me like it's no big deal.
"But what if I am always this…" I choke on the words, "This broken woman… that's not fair to you dear, you deserve so much more."
"I am a grown woman Regina, and I know what's good for me. Just tell me one thing, please?" she says, pulling me closer to her and draping the comforter over us.
"Yes?" I say without hesitation.
"Who did this to you, so I can hunt down the sick son of a bitch?" she asks and there's so much anger in her tone.
It makes my heart swell with love to have her want to protect me, but how could I ever tell her? If she only knew.
"It's more complicated than that Emma, trust me. And there's nothing you could do." I tell her honestly.
"Is it me?" she asks me, and for a moment I freeze because how could she know that?
"What?" I ask tentatively.
"Well, I mean I don't want to bring him up, but you have been with Graham and well... I mean." She swallows and I look up to see tears in her eyes.
"Oh... no my, love, it's not you at all." I tell her looking in her eyes and trying to convey as much sincerity as I can, I cannot let her doubt herself.
"Well then…" She says.
"I cannot explain it, but just know that Graham meant absolutely nothing to me. And you, you I want to spend the rest of my life with. It's you that I want to wake up to, and it's you that I want to hold me through the night." I tell her unwaveringly and realize that I've basically let out just how deep my feelings are.
"I'm sorry; I didn't want to tell you all of this so soon Emma, but I meant What I said. You're it for me too, no matter what happens in the future; know that you are it, the one." I tell her again and she's just looking at me.
I have to turn my face and look away because of the intensity of her gaze, because of all that I just confessed, but she just pulls my face towards hers again.
She is smiling with tears in her eyes.
"Thank you Regina, thank you so much for what you just said. And I want it all too, with you for the rest of my life. Heck I know I really haven't known you very long. But I've had a very rough life thus far, and I know when to hold onto to something, and you.." she says looking down at me, "I'm never letting go." She says.
"I just wish we had more time." I say before I can take it back.
"What do you mean?" She asks, looking at me curiously.
"Oh nothing dear, I just meant that I wish we hadn't waited so long." I tell her as I look away.
"Better late than never" she assures me, smiling and I feel warmth spread across my body
I smile and look out the window and just try to enjoy the warmth that her body gives me.
After a few minutes I feel movement behind me, and turn to see Emma leaving the room. I wonder what she's doing but I done feel I have the right to ask to I get up and go to the restroom to clean myself up, and put on some clothes.
When I come back to my bedroom I see her sitting on the bed with the television on.
"What?" I start to ask when she looks at me smiling.
"I thought we could just veg out, you know since we don't have the kid and we have some times to kill. Why don't you change into some sweats and join me?" she says smiling at me, and there is nothing I would rather do.
"That sounds like a great plan, dear, I'll just get changed." I say as I walk towards my dresser and pull out my clothes.
I cannot even try to hide the smile that is gracing my lips. Even after everything that happened just now, she is still acting as though it is nothing out of the ordinary. She's not being mean to me for stopping her; she's not avoiding me or even wanting to go get Henry. She just wants to spend time with me, and that is something I am surely not used to.
Once I am changed I come back and sit near her on the bed, but not too close as I still feel awkward about what happened.
She's already engrossed in some talk show, so I scoot back to lean on the headboard and try to focus on what is happening on the screen.
I think about how nice it would be to do these types of things together. I wonder if she likes gardening, or what other hobbies we might have in common. I would love to teach her how to cook, and bake, it would be so fun to do those things with someone else, instead of by myself.
I think about all the possibilities that might have laid ahead for us. How happy the three of us could have been.
"A penny for your thoughts?" Emma whispers next to me, while still watching the show intensely.
"I was just wondering if you like gardening?" I tell her, while also focusing on the television as well, but having no clue what is happening.
"Hmm.. " She says, turning to look at me. "I've never had a home, you know where I could grow stuff, so I'm not really sure." She tells me, looking at me a little ashamed.
It makes me feel bad to know it's my fault she's never had a real home, but I push that guilt down knowing that there is nothing I can do about it now.
"Well I have some extra gardening gloves, and since this is also your home now, what do you say we give it a try? Maybe even plant some roots of our own." I ask her.
"I would love that." She tells me with a massive smile on her face, and I lean forward and kiss her, its short but hold promise.
Then she's reaching for a brown paper bag on the nightstand and scoots closer to me until there is no space between us and pulls out two bagels, handing me one.
I take it and look at her as she sloppily opens hers and takes a bite staring back at the television screen.
"That lady is saying that he is her baby daddy, but he said he was out of town the weekend that the kid was conceived. I bet it's like his brothers' kid or something…." She explains to me, as she scoots a little closer to me draping her arm around my shoulder.
I just nod my head, and look at the screen, thinking to myself that this feels perfect.
...
A/N: Happy Friday Everyone! I hope you enjoyed the latest chapter, sorry about the angst, but it's what I like, and how I truly feel the progression of the story should go. But please leave any feedback. And thank you all for your comments and encouraging words.