Chapter 55

Sansa had barely been able to hold back her tears when her mother left her alone with Jaime, and she was glad that he followed her suggestion of going downstairs to resume his practice with Arya. She was sincere when she said that he should not stay cooped up in their chambers all the time. But she was also grateful for the time alone to gather her thoughts and get her emotions under control after hearing his confession to her mother. She had finished feeding the baby, and then carried her into Jaime's solar, knowing that no one would bother her there, or walk in uninvited. She settled on the sofa with the babe in her arms, the fire roaring, and thought about every moment she and Jaime had spent together.

She thought about the night he returned to King's Landing, when she had been enduring another beating by Ser Meryn, at the direction of Joffrey. Even now, a year later, she felt her face heat in shame at the memory. When Jaime had walked in and seen, Sansa had been humiliated and horrified that yet another man would see her naked and so degraded. But he had not looked at her body. He had removed his cloak and put it around her shoulders, covering her - protecting her.

She thought about how he had held her tightly in his arms all night after telling her about Robb's death. He'd let her cry and cry, as he offered her comfort. She thought about how excited he had been to learn that she carried Julianna. How carefully he had treated her and how he devoted himself to her safety.

Jaime may have harmed Bran all those months and months ago – but he'd done so much to make up for it since. He'd done so much to take care of her, and her sister, and her mother. She knew full well that Jaime did not have to reunite her with her family. He may have harmed Bran to protect Cersei – but he had killed her to protect Sansa and their baby.

Sansa played with the baby as she thought about how, little by little, from the moment Jaime put his woolen cloak over her naked and beaten body, she had come to trust him. And then she had come to love him. She didn't want to think about what might have become of her if it weren't for Jaime. And he never expected anything from me in return. He's never asked me for anything.

Sansa smiled at Julianna lying across her lap and lifted her into her arms, cuddling the babe who nuzzled against her neck. She's so perfect. And I wouldn't have her if it weren't for Jaime. She knew that she wouldn't do anything differently. She firmly believed that she and Jaime were meant to be together. They were meant to marry and have this baby. Despite that, Sansa gave into her desire to cry.

I can't let him know that I heard what he said. It would hurt him too much.

Sansa was not alone for very long, as Jaime returned and found her in his solar after a couple of hours. By then, Sansa was stretched out on the sofa with the babe fast asleep in her arms. She could see that it had done him some good to spend time with Arya and get some exercise. There was color in his cheeks and life in his eyes. But, he was far from being himself. She hoped he would not be able to tell that she had been crying, and avoided his eyes.

"How are my girls?" he asked, kneeling beside her and kissing her forehead.

Sansa smiled. "We're well. You're back soon."

He nodded, gently petting the babe so as not to wake her. "Arya was excited to show me what she's learned, practicing with Ser Addam this week. Did you ask him to work with her?"

She nodded. "She was driving me crazy, asking to see you, but…I didn't think that you were up to it." As she spoke, and remembered how broken he had been over the past week, and her resolve steadied. I'm doing the right thing.

"You are…an angel," he murmured, gazing at her with unmistakable love. "Are you all right?"

"Of course. Why wouldn't I be?" Gods…what am I doing that he knows I'm upset? How can I keep this up for the rest of my life?

He shook his head. "I don't know…You seem distracted."

"I just…Lady Alys and I were discussing the provisions we've collected for winter, and…my mind is spinning a bit."

He looked as if he didn't quite believe her, she quickly looked down at the baby, lightly tracing her fingers over his hand, where it rested on the babe, smiling sadly as he turned his hand over and threaded his fingers through hers. She knew he was afraid that she would find out about Bran and hate him. She wanted to reassure him, but she wasn't sure how. He kissed the top of her head and stood, heading into their bedchamber to bathe.

Sansa tucked her feet under her body and wished there was someone she could talk to. But she didn't want Roslin or Arya to know what Jaime had done. They didn't love him as she did and she feared what they would think of him. And he and Arya had finally arrived at a place where they were friends. She saw that Arya was beginning to see Jaime as another brother, even if she would never admit it. Sansa didn't want to spoil that.

I can bear this alone. For Jaime and Arya and the babe…it's worth it.

….

That night, when she climbed into bed, Sansa decided she wanted to hold her baby in her arms. Sansa normally didn't sleep holding Julianna – that was something Jaime did – but she wanted the comfort of her little girl snuggling against her. She felt as if the weight of the world was on her shoulders and she still wondered if she should say something to Jaime about what she had heard.

She wished that he didn't need her as much as he did right now. But Jaime was still dealing with what he'd had to do to Cersei. Sansa wished that he was in a better state of mind. She wished that he could be strong for her. So she could cry and yell and he could comfort her and tell her everything would be all right. He's been strong for me so many times in the past. I can be strong for him now.

Sansa felt movement behind her on the bed and knew Jaime was not asleep as she had hoped. It had been difficult for him to sleep since Cersei's death, though he would lie there and hold her until he eventually drifted off. She felt him move closer to her, kissing the back of her neck as he molded his body behind hers, and slung his arm over her to touch the baby, rubbing her back as she scrunched her little legs under her body and burrowed against Sansa's breasts.

She turned her head and he immediately covered her mouth with his own. She was surprised by the passion in his kiss, and closed her eyes, enjoying the feel of his mouth against hers.

"I could hold the two of you in my arms forever. I'd give anything to make the world stop, right now, as we are," he whispered against her. "Sansa?"

"Yes?"

"You know I've done terrible things in the past." Sansa felt a knot form in her stomach as he spoke. "Before I met you, I did many things I wish I could take back…that I'm ashamed of…I wish you'd come into my life sooner."

Sansa carefully shifted so that she was facing Jaime, the tiny babe still curled up against her breasts. She reached out and rested her hand on the side of Jaime's face. "If you'd met me sooner…known me sooner…you would not have been ready to have me in your life. You wouldn't have loved me. You'd have thought me a silly little girl, not worthy of your time." He smiled, no doubt knowing she spoke the truth. "Everything that's happened, all the bad things…and the bad things that have happened to us…that's what brought us together, Jaime."

He nodded. "I would like to go back. Knowing what I know now…I could spare you so much pain. So much fear." He touched her so much with his words. He really has become a good man. A man who deserves to be loved.

Sansa knew what he'd done to Bran was a terrible thing. A thing the man lying beside her would never do. She knew that. And she knew if he could erase it – if he could take it back – he would. She slid her hand to the back of his neck, pulling him towards her and she kissed him softly. "My beautiful girls," he murmured. The babe squeaked in protest when Sansa shifted toward Jaime, and they both smiled. Jaime leaned down and kissed the top of the baby's head.

"We can't change the past, Jaime. No matter how much we might want to. And we can't dwell on it either." Sansa truly meant what she said, and hoped it would ease his mind, though her heart still ached. "Get some sleep, Jaime," she whispered, smiling as he moved close, protectively curling his body around she and Julianna.

Sansa closed her eyes, but she couldn't fall asleep. She fervently wished that she had taken longer to come upstairs, and had not overheard Jaime's conversation with her mother. She had long ago forgiven Jaime for all that he had done before her – whether she knew the details or not. But actually hearing that he had tried to kill Bran…was difficult to swallow. She silently prayed to the seven that she would be able to move past this, and forget what she heard.

….

Jaime stretched as he began to wake. It was the first night that he had not been startled awake by dreams of Cersei as she died or flashes of Sansa crumpled on the floor of the nursery. He looked over at Sansa, who was still fast asleep, the babe in her basket between them.

The babe was awake and considering what was going on around her and looking at Jaime, her eyes scanning his face. Jaime smiled, lifting her into his arms and getting out of bed, careful not to wake Sansa. He sat in one of the chairs in front of the fire with the babe in the crook of his arm. He took in her perfect little features and knew she'd grow to look just like her mother.

She began to fuss a little, and he offered her his finger, which she began to suck on. He smiled as she began to make her little purring noises, content to be held in his arms. She continued to stare up at him. She was curious about her surroundings and Jaime and Sansa had noticed that she was always looking around and would stare at them for quite some time as if she were memorizing their features. I love her so much.

"You, my little lioness are going to have a happy life. With a mother and father who love you desperately. Since before you were born, I have imagined how happy your childhood will be – growing up here at the Rock with us." Jaime swallowed the lump in his throat as he continued whispering to the babe. "Before your mother came into my life, I wasn't a good man. I did unspeakable things. Things I can never take back. Things, I fear, your mother would not be able to forgive." He gazed at his daughter and was gripped by the fear of losing her. "I love you, little one. And I'm terrified of losing our little family." The babe whined and Jaime moved her so her front was curled against his chest. "Should we ever be parted," he whispered, "I'll always love you and protect you. Always."

"You're not going to be parted from her or from me," Sansa whispered from behind him. "Not ever, Jaime."

Jaime turned and met her gaze, seeing her eyes were filled with tears. "I didn't know you were awake…why are you crying?"

Sansa slowly walked close to him, taking the babe in her arms and placing her, blanket and all, on the fur in front of the fire before climbing onto Jaime's lap and hugging him tightly. Jaime held her just as tight, taking comfort from the feel of her in his arms.

"I meant it when I said that the past doesn't matter to me. You're not going to lose me over something that happened before we even knew each other," she whispered against his neck. She couldn't possibly know. Jaime began to panic, thinking that Lady Stark had told Sansa what he'd done. "Don't be afraid," she said quietly, stroking the back of his neck. "Everything between us is fine. You have no reason to fear losing me or the babe. That's not going to happen."

Jaime moved back, wanting to see her eyes, but she had her face turned away from him, trying to avoid his gaze, and Jaime realized she'd barely looked him in the eye at all the day before. Jaime reached for her, turning her face back, and forcing her to look at him. He looked in her eyes, and saw fear there.

"You know don't you?" he whispered, shame overcoming him.

She tried to avoid his gaze again, shaking her head no. "There's nothing to know, Jaime. It's in the past." He could see she was terrified of hurting him. Terrified of saying the words aloud – of making it real. But she knew.

"If there's nothing…why are you so afraid?"

Sansa reached for him, resting her hands on his cheeks, her fingers lightly tracing over his face. "I…you've been through so much the past week Jaime. I won't let anything hurt you."

"You've been through quite a lot as well, Sansa…you almost died not that long ago. You…you needn't treat me like one of your delicate little teacups. I'm supposed to take care of you." He watched as she bit her lip uncertainly. "You know don't you? About –"

She stopped him before he could say the words. "I know," she said, so quietly that he could barely hear her.

"Did she tell you?"

Sansa shook her head, looking down at her lap as she tangled her fingers in his. "I heard you and mother talking…I wish I hadn't heard…"

Jaime took a deep breath and felt his stomach drop, as her eyes misted with tears again. He opened his mouth to apologize to her, but Sansa covered his mouth with her hand. "You don't have to say anything, Jaime. You don't. I forgave for everything long ago. You have…your kindness to me and to my sister, the way you've protected me…you've done all you could to make up for the past. It's all right." She was crying by now and Jaime hesitantly took her in his arms, half expecting her to push him away.

"I'm sorry," he murmured, stroking her hair. "I'm sorry I wasn't a better man before you. I understand if…this changes things between us," he began hesitantly.

She looked up at him in alarm. "No," she said urgently. "This doesn't change anything. It's far too late for that. My heart is not my own anymore. It's yours. Nothing could change how I feel about you. How much I love you," she finished with a whisper. "We belong together," she said, hugging him tightly. "We're going to take care of each other."

He exhaled shakily in relief and she must have noticed, because she kissed him softly. He didn't realize there were tears in his eyes until she began to wipe them away. "I was afraid of losing you," he said quietly, looking over at Julianna happily lying in front of the fire. "And losing her. I never meant to deceive you. I did try –"

"I know you did, Jaime."

"How can you not hesitate to forgive me?" He had expected that she would at least be angry with him and shut him out for a time.

Sansa sighed, leaning against his chest. "I forgave both of us a long time ago." She glanced over at the babe. "For her."

"What do you have to be forgiven for?"

"I…I felt very guilty when were first together. I felt guilty for taking such comfort in your arms. And for sharing your bed. And then…for loving you. After all that the Lannisters did to the Starks…I wondered if it was wrong of me to love you as I did. But I had to forgive myself." She reached up and touched his face. "And I had to forgive you. I knew that I couldn't punish you for your past…for things that you did before we even met, if we were ever going to be happy. And I did forgive you. I realized…I realized there was nothing you could have done that would make me not wish to be with you. Perhaps that makes me weak."

"You know I need you just as much, don't you? That I'm just as weak, when it comes to you."

She nodded her head, gently stroking the back of his neck. "I know. I could see how afraid you were. And you were already so vulnerable because of…" She stopped, but he knew she meant because of Cersei. "Come here," she said, sniffling and rising to her feet and taking his hand, pulling him with her as she sunk to the ground on the fur beside Julianna. "She's ours, Jaime. We made her and we're going to make certain that she is happy and healthy. I don't regret anything that gave her to us."

I don't deserve her. I don't deserve her forgiveness. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders, kissing the top of her head. "I love you," he murmured, smiling as the babe began squeaking for Sansa and she took her into her arms. "I love my girls," he murmured, settling more comfortably onto the fur, leaning against the sofa behind him.

Sansa settled herself between his legs, leaning against his chest as she opened the front of her nightdress and the babe eagerly began to suckle at her breast, her happy purring sounds reaching Jaime's ears. Sansa leaned her head back against his shoulder and Jaime lowered his head to her neck, kissing her gently as he watched their babe, her little eyes staring up at them as she suckled.

"Anything I can do to repay you for your forgiveness…"

He felt her take his hand and pull it around her body, until both of their hands were beneath Julianna, holding her. "There's nothing you need do, but love me and our little girl. And I know you do. I already lost one family," she said quietly. "I can't lose another."

Jaime fought the tears that threatened at her words. I can't lose another family, either.

…

Let me know what you thought. This was a difficult chapter to write, because the situation and the feelings between them are so complicated at this point. Yes, he's done horrible things in the past – he's hurt her family – but he's also been a loving, protective husband to her for about a year and I think it would break Sansa to lose this relationship at this point.

As always, thank you for the comments and reviews – I enjoy the feedback, and it helps with the writing.

Next chapter: Sansa fears her mother bringing up what Jaime did to Bran and a letter is received from the Wall…