Last chapter!
I'd like to give a special shout-out to Ness fan 01 for giving me a push in the right direction on this piece. You are much appreciated, friend! Thank you for the words of encouragement!
I don't own New Girl or anything else you recognize (and there is a lot of that in this chapter)!
'Cause It's You
Chapter Three
November 27, 2015
She's wearing the same flats she wore after her first night with Spencer when she unbreaks up with Nick.
She wakes up at 2:48 AM on a Tuesday morning to the sound of Nick's ringtone piercing the silence of her room. It's the first time she's heard it in two months and for a second she freezes, letting a wave of nostalgia and pain wash through her chest. He hasn't hardly made eye-contact with her in those two months, going out of his way to spend as much time as possible outside of the loft and hiding from her while he was forced to be in the loft.
Something must be terribly, terribly wrong.
"Nick?" She murmurs when she answers.
"Actually it's Big Bob." She isn't sure if it's disappointment or relief or fear that washes through her, but she sighs all the same. "Nicky's really drunk. You mind coming down and picking him up?"
"Oh, uh…" Say no, Jess. Say no. "No, um...I don't mind."
She sounds defeated at the end, but Bob doesn't notice. "See you in a few."
She doesn't bother throwing jeans on; just a large sweatshirt she finds at the bottom of her closet on top of her pajama shorts. Her flats are upturned close to her door, so she slides those on and grabs her purse and quietly steps out of her bedroom.
It isn't until she slowly locks the front door that she remembers Schmidt is with Cece and Coach is out with his new girlfriend and Winston has an overnight shift so she's the only one home.
Bob opens the door to the bar for her five minutes later and nods toward a booth at the back of the bar when Jess quietly asks where Nick is. "This one locks the front door," he says, picking the key with the blue paint up and shaking it for her. "Just have Nicky give 'em back tomorrow."
She salutes and locks the door behind him and turns to appraise Nick - or at least, what she can see of him. His feet are hanging over the edge of the booth, pointed down, since he's lying on his stomach. Jess approaches slowly and slips in across the table from him. He doesn't say anything but she can hear how heavily he's breathing so she gives him a minute, choosing instead to swing her legs around under the table idly to pass the silence.
"M'sorry, Jess," he says in a voice that is hoarse from lack of sleep and alcohol and an emotion she has become all too familiar with in the previous eight weeks.
"It's okay," she says unsteadily, "are you okay?"
"No. I'm not okay."
She winces and stares down hard at the table. She feels bad; he probably meant for Bob to call Winston or Schmidt. She's probably the last person he wants to see right now.
He pushes himself up slowly, his arms moving sluggishly, until he's semi-upright and leaning forward. His eyes search her face beneath drooping eyelids. Her elementary teacher maternal instincts kick in and override her guilt.
"I'm gonna go get you some water, okay? Stay right here." He pulls a face like he's about to argue that he doesn't need water, but after a hard eyebrow raise he sighs and nods. She manages to find one of the big pint glasses she sees him serve beer in sometimes and she fills that all the way up to the top and spills a little on the way back when the loosened sole of one of her flats catches on the floor.
He doesn't reach for the glass when she puts it on the table so she pushes it toward him and sternly says "Drink all of this."
He does. She watches his Adam's apple bob each time he gulps and tries to repress memories of the feeling of that Adam's apple moving against her skin when he released quiet, strangled moans late at night in bed with her. She fails miserably.
"Jess I miss you," he says it quickly and he slurs his words and she almost doesn't hear because of the sound of his glass hitting the table.
It's too much for her to hope that he means it the way she misses him, so she just smiles. "I'm right here, you clown,"
She tags that last bit on without thinking and feels her heart throb painfully.
His face twists in anguish and he lifts a hand to blearily rub at his eyes. "That's not what I mean," he moans. She bites her lip and takes his cup back behind the bar for another refill just to have something to do. "I just, I meant that...I dunno, Jess."
Her heart's starting to thud excitedly, because he's acting like he still loves her the way she still desperately loves him, but she clamps down inside her brain on the hope that has started to grow. "You're drunk," she reminds herself as she sits.
"Mmmmyeah," he concedes and chugs his water and blinks rapidly. His eyes look a little more clear. "But that doesn't change that I miss you," he says as he slams the glass down again.
She really needs something to do with her hands. Bob's keys lay dormant and forgotten to the side, so she pulls them closer to her and fingers them idly. She fights an internal war briefly, before she gets the best of herself. "D'you still love me?" She asks slowly.
He stares at her silently for precisely four seconds, just long enough for her to regret every decision she's made that has lead her to that moment, before his mouth opens again. "Obviously I still love you, Jessica." Heat shoots through her entire body and even though she fights against it she can't stop the smile that slowly creeps over her face. "M'gonna regret that tomorrow, prob'ly," he mumbles.
She remembers him shifting past her without looking at her in the hallways at home. She remembers him rushing from the bathroom to the front door without making eye-contact with her on the couch. She remembers the pain of knowing he's been right there without being able to do anything about it.
The one thing she knows is that breaking up with him was the biggest mistake she's made in her life so far and she wants nothing more than to take it all back. She's a fiercely independent woman but God she's just felt so lost without him.
But she doesn't get to hope that he wants her back, since she's the one who ended it.
"Probably," she says with a laugh she doesn't really feel. She nods slowly and drops her gaze to the tabletop, and in her peripheral she can see him dropping his head in defeat.
There's no way…
"But you won't be the only one with regrets." She says, ignoring the way her gut seems to be screaming. His head snaps up and he seems to recoil a little, like she's about to reach out and strike him. Which, now that she thinks about it, she might actually be symbolically doing.
She sucks in a shaky breath, squares her shoulders, and says, "I still love you too, Nick."
It's clear he's having a hard time comprehending what she's said through the booze still muddling his system. "But we broke up," he says dumbly.
"Yeah. Startin' to think that was a mistake," she laughs feebly at what a monumental understatement it is. "Honestly...I've never been more miserable in my entire life."
And it's true. More miserable than losing Sam, more miserable than breaking up with Russell or Paul or even Spencer, more miserable than learning about her parents' divorce. It all pales in comparison to losing Nick.
"But me too," he says, leaning forward eagerly. His fingers stretch out like he's about to grab her hands and she really wishes he would but he stops just centimeters away. "I'm so sad, Jess, I'm such a wreck, you have no idea…"
She doesn't, she realizes, because she's been avoiding him just as much as he's been avoiding her, and it's like having a black hole in her chest where the sun used to shine.
"I can't remember why I thought it was a good idea for us to break up," she says softly.
Nick scrambles around the half-circle booth frantically which makes her laugh and he stops when their thighs are pressed together. "Let's not, then, let's not break up," he says and his breath smells like Heisler and whiskey but he still smells exactly the way he used to and she can feel her body reacting to it. Everything calms, everything quiets, and she just wants to bury her head in his chest and have him hold her for the rest of eternity.
But her English teacher senses are tingling. "We're already broken up, dummy."
"Then let's unbreak up!"
Even the English teacher senses fall quiet. She furrows her brow and tries to figure out if this is some kind of fantastic highly-detailed dream. "Nick, you're drunk." She says, speaking to herself just as much as him. "You probably won't even remember this tomorrow."
He's already shaking his head before she finishes speaking and he shakes it so hard she's positive he'll have whiplash the next day and she laughs because it's such a Nick thing for him to do. "I know, I know, but...I'm not blackout drunk, I'm not that far gone right now, I'm gonna remember this."
"How do I know? What if we unbreak up and then tomorrow you won't look at me again?"
Her voice cracks but luckily he doesn't seem to notice. He stares down at her hands hard, like he's concentrating on memorizing them, before slowly reaching out and taking her right in his left. He pulls it closer to him and begins running the tips of his fingers over the back of her hand. She peers up at him and has to bite her lip to keep from gasping; his eyes are closed and his lips are parted. That feeling of safety and protection are back for the first time in two months and she feels like she's been lost in a blizzard and has finally found her way back home. He folds his right hand over hers and holds her hand between his carefully, like she's some delicate priceless gem that will shatter if handled too roughly, and his eyelids flutter open slowly. "There's no way I'll forget that," he mumbles. "I've dreamt it a few times, but...your skin, I can never imagine your skin right. Or your hair."
She's sure on some level that's kind of creepy, but she knows exactly what he means, because she experiences the same thing except with the way that he smells. She can feel tears welling in her eyes and concern flashes through his. "No, please, Jess...don't cry, that's the one thing I can't handle right now…"
She turns away and wipes the stray tears that have fallen on the sleeve of her sweatshirt but she knows her lips are doing that weird thing they do when she cries because when she turns back around he's gazing at her lips and oh God she really wants to kiss him.
"I'll make you a deal," she says through her stuffy nose. "If you can remember this conversation in the morning, we're unbroken up."
She drives them home and he looks at her with a dark, intense gaze that makes her stomach flip before she opens her bedroom door and disappears behind it. She spends the next three hours lying awake staring at her rapidly brightening ceiling until she finally gives up and rolls out of bed to get dressed for the day. She dresses in silence and walks to the kitchen to make herself some coffee because either way she's in for one hell of a day waiting to hear or not hear from Nick but when she turns around after replacing the milk in the fridge he's right there behind her and suddenly her back's against the fridge and Nick is kissing her more desperately than he's ever kissed her before and she absolutely melts against him, unable to stop the embarrassing noises that vibrate in her throat as her brain is overridden with pleasure.
"I remember," he murmurs against her lips and she wonders why she ever thought he would forget.
She calls in sick and drags him to her bedroom and and they don't emerge until she hears Winston come home around six o'clock that evening.
She's standing in the exact same spot where she was when she heard about her parents' divorce when Nick proposes to her.
She feels kind of bad because she knows he's been trying to plan this for a while now but honestly it's his own fault because she found out approximately ten minutes after Winston did because Winston was so excited he just couldn't keep his mouth shut. But she definitely wasn't expecting it in the kitchen.
She's only halfway through the saga of her friendship with Cece; they're stopping by her mother's for lunch, and then they have a full schedule for the rest of the day. She figured he'd wait until she took him to her heartbreak pond.
But she can't stop herself from jumping up and down when he slides the ring over her finger and she barely registers just how shiny it is before he kisses her and picks her up and spins her around and she's the embodiment of happiness.
Abby stomps down the stairs to yell at them to be quiet but her face falls slack with shock when Jess shows her the ring and honestly it's the greatest feeling in the world.
She throws her master's degree flats away the morning she marries Nick.
They're so torn up that they're hardly even functional as house shoes anymore since the left one has a hole up near her toes. She'd intended to wear them all morning while getting ready with Cece and Abby and her mom, but when she nearly dies tripping in Cece's kitchen after that damn loose sole catches on the carpet, she realizes it's time to throw them out.
Cece helps her to her feet and proudly holds the trashcan when Jess slams them like a football player who's just scored a touchdown because all she feels is complete and total elation at being able to throw away the last tie she has to Spencer.
She trots around the apartment barefoot for the rest of the morning, eager to begin getting ready and annoyed that she has to wait for her mother and sister to arrive. Eventually they do and Jess indulges in excited squeals and bone-crushing hugs from her mother that come every five minutes after she walks through the door and punches to the arm she supposes are supposed to be light but really really hurt that come from Abby and even though Jess is pretty sure she'll have bruises all over her arm tomorrow she knows it's Abby's way of saying 'I love you' so she just smiles through the pain.
It also helps to remember that she'll get to inspect those bruises with her new husband.
Cece loads Jess' dress in the limo first, making sure to keep it as straight as possible, and then she loads her and Abby's and Joan's dresses in and then Jess climbs in followed by Cece and Abby and Joan and they pop a bottle of champagne and toast to Jess and Jess already feels so overwhelmed with love and gratitude and the day hasn't even really started yet.
She prances through the grass buzzed and still barefoot toward the bridal trailer once they arrive at the park and giggles like a schoolgirl when Cece loops her arm through Jess' and they skip - like actually skip - to the door of the trailer and Jess feels so light and happy and everything about this day is so perfect so far because her mom's here and Abby's here and Cece's here and everyone's getting along for once and she's going to have a husband in a matter of hours and Nick is going to be her husband and oh God she just might cry.
She does cry, but only for a moment, because Cece snaps at her to dry it up before she starts slathering on white eye shadow and then Joan thrusts a glass of pink wine into Jess' hand and everything is perfect and wonderful again.
An hour later Abby announces from her perch beside the window that the guys are finally here and Jess darts to her sister's side, eagerly peeking through the blinds. She sees the guys dressed casually but with suits in garment bags slung over their shoulders approaching the groom's trailer which is kind of sad in size when compared to the bridal trailer but honestly could they really blame her for that? And they're all grinning and laughing and horsing around except for Nick who's staring pretty intently at the bridal trailer while Schmidt attempts to unlock the groom's trailer door. Jess feels her face heat up at the hungry look on Nick's face and she's pretty much ready to throw the door open and chase him down right then and there because despite what she thought back when she was planning all of this, she hasn't seen Nick in a week and it's the absolute worst idea she's ever had.
Luckily before she can get her hand on the door handle Schmidt gets the groom's trailer unlocked and Cece drags Jess back to the makeup chair as the guys disappear from view. The wedding is set to begin in two hours and Jess is fairly sure she's going to die.
Cece finishes Jess' makeup and starts in on her messy hair and Jess closes her eyes and thanks whoever is listening for putting Cece in her life because honestly Cece is the reason Jess has been able to do all of the amazing things she's done since they were kids and Jess is pretty sure Cece's the only reason she was even able to meet Nick because she's the reason Jess came to LA to begin with and none of this would have ever happened without Cece. She's crying again and sort of whimpering her thanks to Cece and even though Cece makes a fuss she smiles a soft smile and whispers that she loves Jess too when she comes around to wipe off the eyeliner that's started to run down Jess' face.
Joan giggles and laughs over the rim of her sixth glass of champagne and tells stories about Abby and Jess from when they were kids that they've all heard a thousand times but Jess smiles like she's hearing it all for the first time, bursting with love and gratitude even when Abby sighs like an angsty teenager and yells profanities when Joan gets too sentimental. Jess tells them that she loves both of them so much and Joan cries and Abby blows a raspberry through her smile.
Eventually Jess is able to get her hair and her makeup done simultaneously which leaves the daunting task of actually getting the mess of white lace in the large garment bag that's been hanging by the door since they got there onto her body and normally Jess would be incredibly intimidated but Cece squeezes her forearm reassuringly and Jess is the image of calm. Cece unzips the bag and eases it over the hanger until it falls to the floor and the four women pause and sigh dreamily and simultaneously at the image of perfection hanging before them. Jess and Cece camped out overnight outside of a bridal boutique in downtown LA before it's annual sale and she managed to snag this dress - the last in her size - for a quarter of its original cost. It was, by far, one of the greatest moments of their friendship.
It takes a while to ease the dress over Jess' shoulders and even longer yet to get the corset tied in the back, but eventually the dress is situated and Jess' boobs and butt look great and she's able to look in the mirror and smile because she looks like a gorgeous ethereal glowy version of herself and she can tell by the three pairs of glassy eyes that gaze at her in the mirror that she looks really, really good.
Suddenly the bridal trailer is chaotic and loud as Joan and Abby and Cece all scramble to get ready and Jess slips on the shoes Cece let her borrow and shuffles over to the corner where Abby was sitting and peeks through the blinds again. The groom's trailer is still sitting exactly where it was earlier, though she notes that the boys had opened the blinds at some point, which offers her a view inside. She can see Coach and Schmidt standing toward the back, facing each other, grinning at something she can't see and drinking Heislers. They turn toward the interior of the trailer and Coach says something that makes Schmidt laugh and Jess wishes she could have a chance to talk to them before the ceremony because dammit they're her friends too and she deserves a chance to thank them for everything they've done for her.
A car pulls up beyond the groom's trailer and then a second one parks behind it and Nick's entire extended family piles out of the first while her father climbs out of the second. Bob looks at the Miller clan warily until he spots Bonnie, who goes out of her way to hug Bob. She pulls back and grasps his shoulders and says something, and Bob nods and points toward the bridal trailer excitedly.
Jess steps back and smooths the skirt of her gown over her hips nervously when she sees Bob offer his arm to Bonnie to lead her toward the bridal trailer. She tells the girls that Bob and Bonnie are on the way and Joan only looks a little apprehensive but she still smiles brightly when the door to the trailer opens and Bob steps in.
Bob cries in front of Jess for the first time ever and Jess has to stare at the ceiling and blink really hard to stop herself from crying and when he pulls away he tells her how proud he is over her and how beautiful she is and how much he loves her and Jess isn't sure how much more of this love she can take. Bonnie smiles timidly when Jess looks at her over her father's shoulder and squeezes her gently when Jess hugs her. She whispers thank you for loving him, welcome to my family in Jess' ear and Jess is done for, two fat tears running down her face, and she sees Cece shake her head and smile.
Bonnie leaves when Jaime starts screaming about wanting to see Nick and Bob sits in a chair in the corner while Cece redoes Jess' makeup for the third time and Joan fixes Abby's hair. Eventually they hear a knock at the door and the officiant enters, smiling warmly at Jess when she leaps up to greet him. He tells her that it's just about time and the girls need to get ready because the guests are here and the guys are about to line up.
Cece thrusts Jess' bouquet into her hands and Bob offers her his arm and Joan stands at the door to let them know when all of the guys are lined up because they can't go out until the guys are gone and Jess' heart is pounding and she's so excited she can hardly stand it.
Everything starts to get real when Joan opens the bridal trailer door and steps out, and then Abby, and then Cece, and then her father climbs out and offers her his hand and she's shaking but he keeps her steady and they start to walk arm-in-arm after Cece and through the trees Jess can see flashes of white and off in the distance she hears kids playing soccer and she's absolutely never been more thankful because it takes just enough of the edge off for her to keep going.
She sees the audience stand and she grips her bouquet a little tighter with one hand and almost stumbles in her heels when Bob steps forward before she's ready but the second they set foot onto the long carpeted aisle and she sees Nick the whole world stops.
She can't think of words to describe him.
He's so unbelievably handsome.
He's perfect.
He's everything.
He's...crying. She sees a few tears streak town his face and he looks a little confused by it at first, blinking and glancing down like he's trying to figure out what's happening, but then he looks back up at her and his brows crease and he slaps a hand over his face as his shoulders raise like he's about to sob and Jess releases a shaky breath because she's just bursting with love for this man. She sees Schmidt take a step forward and pat Nick's shoulder reassuringly but Nick never breaks eye-contact with her.
She remembers the confused scowl he appraised her through that first afternoon back when she was interviewing for the spare bedroom and she almost laughs at how far they've come.
It seems like an eternity passes before she makes it down the aisle but she finally reaches Nick and almost bounces out of her shoes while waiting for Bob's cue. She practically leaps into Nick's arms when the time comes and he pulls her so close she's pretty sure the audience can't see the officiant anymore but it doesn't matter because she wants to be as close as humanly possible to the man before her.
She doesn't remember much about the ceremony other than the way Nick's eyes seem darker and more smouldering than she's ever seen them but she supposes she says all of her parts correctly because by the end of it she's wearing a new sparkly wedding band that matches Nick's silver band. She doesn't even care that Nick jumps the gun because he dips her back so far she's pretty sure her head brushes the ground and she waves Schmidt off when he smacks Nick's back indignantly at the PDA overkill.
Mr. and Mrs. Miller. Mr. and Mrs. Miller. Nick throws an arm over her shoulders and tucks her into his side and she slips an arm around his waist beneath his suit jacket as the audience cheers. Nick glances down at her and then they walk down the aisle in tandem and into the trees where Nick immediately backs her into a tree with a wide trunk and kisses her firmly.
They're only offered a few moments of solitude before they're pulled apart by a squealing Cece and Schmidt and then Abby and Winston and then Joan and Coach and then suddenly both of their families are there and she's sort of pulled away from him and it's weird because she misses him desperately and she can still smell his cologne lingering on her where he had his arm draped across her just moments earlier. Jess motions for the photographer to start mostly because she knows it's a perfect excuse to be close to Nick again and he looks just as relieved as she feels when he gets to her again.
She feels bad because she sort of ignores the photographer's instructions and she can hear how irritated he's getting but dammit her husband looks so incredibly handsome and she just wants to look at his face all day. Plus she doesn't want cheesy posed photos, she wants moments of authenticity in her family, even if it means Coach and Winston are arguing in the back of a few and Cece is making eyes and Schmidt and Abby is constantly rolling her eyes.
Eventually the photographer gives up and Jess leads Nick to the limo they would take in solitude to the reception venue and the second the door closes behind him he's kissing her desperately, mumbling his thanks between kisses, and Jess thinks that if he doesn't stop she's going to tell the limo driver to pull over because holy crap she needs her vitamin D so bad but since she's not Beyonce she just laughs and pushes him away and tries to cool off with a glass of champagne but then he kisses the champagne bubbles off her lips and she sighs with happiness.
Nick offers her his hand when they pull up outside of the venue and she almost stumbles when her shoe catches in the skirt of her dress but Nick catches her and helps her straighten up and she grumbles about her pinched toes in the stupid pumps Cece let her borrow. Nick's in the middle of offering to help her take them off when suddenly the doors open and the DJ is announcing the arrival of Mr. and Mrs. Miller and oh my God it's real it's all real she's his and he's hers forever finally.
They dance for the first time as a married couple to "Faithfully" by Journey because she sort of felt like it fit their vibe and plus Nick said he didn't care back when she asked him several months previously. Even though she was worried he'd think it's cheesy he seems completely and totally disappointed at just how short the song is at the end and he lets go of her reluctantly so that she can dance with her father and then she stands to the side and smiles when Nick and Bonnie dance.
Eventually Nick walks toward her looking slightly self-conscious and he takes her hand and leads her toward the head table where plates full of really incredible food sit waiting for them. She smiles shyly when Nick pulls her chair out for her and waits until he tucks into his plate beside her before starting on her food. She gets two bites in when Joan hits her champagne glass with her fork and the toasts start and Jess is just openly crying but it's okay because Nick has his arm around her and he squeezes reassuringly and smiles at her so lovingly between toasts and she wonders what on earth she did to deserve such joy in her life.
The moment the toasts finish up a few of her old students she'd invited approach the table and timidly ask for selfies and even though Jess is starving she agrees enthusiastically and Nick stands too looking a little apprehensive but he holds her hips as they wind their way out from behind the head table and she knows he'd follow her to the ends of the earth if she asked him to.
A few selfies later and they're completely overrun by party goers and Jess finds herself separated from Nick. She looks for him between bodies and experiences a mild kind of concern that only calms once she spots him in the midst of his great-aunts. She smiles at his look of desperation from the middle of a group of her cousins and is about to go save him when -
"I Always Knew" by The Vaccines cuts off half-way and Jess cranes her neck to find Schmidt excitedly plugging his phone into the DJ's soundboard while the DJ adjusts volumes and suddenly the dulcet tones of Phil Collins are filtering through the speakers and Nick is already skidding to a stop in the middle of the dance floor, looking around wildly.
She lifts the skirt of her dress and rushes out to meet him as quickly as Cece's heels will allow and nearly slips before she reaches him but he catches her for the second time that evening just as Phil Collins begins to sing and she laughs and kisses the corner of his jaw before pulling away and breaking into a slow-motion "Groovy Kind of Love" chicken dance. Nick immediately mirrors her movements and she can see Schmidt and Winston dancing to her left while simultaneously swatting at a motionless and confused-looking Coach until he, too, drops into the chicken dance. She can hear the crowd laughing and cheering and she laughs because she's absolutely positive she's never been so happy in her entire life.
Dear twenty-nine-year-old Jess, she thinks as the song ends and Nick pulls her in for a kiss to the raucous delight of their friends and family. I know things kind of suck right now.
I know you're heartbroken and lonely.
I know you're tired of living on Cece's couch.
Nick pulls her in for their second slow-dance of the evening and she can see people pairing off all around her but her gaze only lingers on Cece and Schmidt for a second before she's drawn back to Nick. Heat pools in her belly at the thought of what's coming later but for now she's just so happy and she can't stop whispering that she loves him and he kisses her every time she says it.
Things may seem kind of crappy right now, but just hang in there. I promise you things will get better. There are so many amazing things coming.
"You're the most incredible person I've ever met in my entire life," he murmurs in her ear. "You're so amazing and unbelievably sweet and ridiculously gorgeous and I love you so much it...like, it physically hurts. I can't even tell ya. There aren't words, Jess. I love you."
Jess closes her eyes, threads her fingers through the soft hair at the base of Nick's head, and smiles.
Trust me.