I don't think there's anything I need to say here at the beginning of this episode... let's get right to it! :)
(I do not own Glee or any of the characters, dialogue, or songs from the show. It's all just for fun!)
BLAINE
At the start of the week, Blaine gathered Artie and Tina – the only two members left in New Directions who had been there from the beginning – and forced a choir room meeting with Finn and Mr. Schu during lunch to discuss the growing hostility between the two instructors.
"Mr. Schu, Finn, thank you for agreeing to this sit-down," Artie began the intervention. "We've all noticed the tension between you ever since Finn admitted he kissed Ms. Pillsbury."
Mr. Schu looked like he didn't appreciate the reminder and Finn looked like he was ready to jump out of his chair and run away.
"No surprise," Tina said as Blaine stood up and walked to the whiteboard, "Finn has been acting like he's losing his mind."
Blaine wrote FEUDS! on the whiteboard. "You're feuding," he explained as he turned back to face the group, "and it needs to stop."
What had started as silent tension between Finn and Mr. Schu had grown into a problem that was affecting the morale of everyone in New Directions. Mr. Schu was constantly putting Finn down in front of the group, and Blaine knew it was making everyone nervous about their own actions. If they went against Mr. Schu somehow, were they suddenly going to become the target of the same kind of belittling? Plus, it was upsetting to watch Mr. Schu berate their friend. It had grown into a severe enough situation that Blaine, as captain of New Directions, had decided that something had to be done.
"Seriously, it's like the Hatfields and the McCoys in here," Artie agreed as Mr. Schu and Finn silently resisted.
"So," Blaine explained as he returned to his seat, " 'epic musical feuds' is our theme. And, for the first time in glee club history, we are giving you – our fearless leaders – an assignment."
"You two will explore and resolve your differences by performing a song together," Artie informed them. "Inspired by a classic musical rivalry."
"Guys –" Mr. Schu tried to protest.
"Regionals are coming up, Mr. Schu," Tina scolded. "And, if we're going to have any chance of winning, we need both of you."
"On the same page and on the same team," Blaine added.
Mr. Schu and Finn turned to look at each other.
"Okay," Finn agreed as he turned back to Blaine, Tina, and Artie.
"Fine," Mr. Schu agreed sourly.
"Excellent," Blaine nodded decisively.
At glee rehearsal that afternoon, Blaine, Artie, and Tina explained the situation to New Directions.
"While this week's theme stems from a specific feud," Blaine told the group, "it applies to all of us, as well. We have to be a cohesive unit if we want to win Regionals."
"So," Tina elaborated, "the lesson this week is to resolve our differences through song."
"By the end of the week: feud-free!" Artie confirmed.
"I know everyone has a lot going on," Blaine acknowledged, "but we need to clear our minds so we can focus all our energy on winning Regionals."
"And Nationals!" Sam added, eliciting a round of cheers from the rest of the students.
"And Nationals," Blaine reiterated, turning his gaze on Mr. Schu and Finn. "Together."
KURT
On Monday evening, Kurt hummed a happy tune as he climbed the stairs to the apartment after a long, but productive day and was surprised to find Rachel home alone when he walked in the door.
"Hey," he said pleasantly as he closed the door behind him. She was stretched out on her back on the couch, staring at the ceiling, "where're Brody and Santana?"
"Hey," she replied dully, "Not sure."
"You... okay?" Kurt asked, dropping his bag beside the couch and leaning over to look at her face.
She looked up at him and shrugged.
"I'll take that as a 'no'," Kurt assessed, and he sat down on the coffee table in front of the couch. "Want to talk about it?"
"No," Rachel said, turning her head to look at him. "Thanks, though."
Kurt stood up and went to his room to change into pajamas and, when he came back out into the living area, Rachel was still lying on the couch. Still staring at the ceiling. Kurt grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge and walked back over to her. She was seriously crushing his mood.
He was opening his mouth to press her to tell him what was bothering her when she shifted slightly, put one hand on her stomach, and rubbed it absentmindedly.
It was like a bomb went off in Kurt's mind. Suddenly, so many seemingly insignificant moments from the past few weeks crashed into place.
"You tell me what's going on right now, Rachel Berry," Kurt demanded as he stopped in front of the couch and stared down at Rachel's sad face. When she didn't respond immediately, Kurt knew he was right.
"You're pregnant," he guessed.
Rachel started to cry and Kurt had no idea what to do.
"Here, here... no... I..." he grabbed Rachel's shoulders and gently sat her up so he could climb onto the couch beside her.
"I'm not," Rachel sobbed, leaning over to rest her head on his shoulder. "I'm not. I'm not."
"You're... not?" Kurt wished he could see her face, but he settled for wrapping an arm around her shoulders and squeezing her close against his side.
"I thought I was," Rachel hiccupped, "but I'm not."
"Oh," Kurt breathed. "Oh. Thank god. Rachel. What... how long have you known about this?"
"Two weeks," she said miserably.
"Two weeks?!" Kurt said, suddenly full of indignation. He let go of her and wiggled his shoulder so she would sit up.
"I'm sorry!" Rachel cried as she sat up and looked at Kurt. "I just... I panicked. I wanted to wait until I knew for sure!"
"So you went to a doctor to get a pregnancy test all by yourself?" Kurt tried to understand. "Why would you –?"
"Santana went with me," Rachel said timidly.
"Santana?" Kurt snapped. "You told..."
Somewhere inside of him, a little voice of reason was shouting that this wasn't about him. He hadn't just spent two weeks thinking he might be pregnant. He had to calm down.
"Okay," he said, grabbing both of Rachel's hands in both of his. "Okay. I'm sorry. I'm freaking out. I'm glad– wait, are you glad? You seem sad."
"I am so glad," Rachel laughed a shaky laugh. "It just got me thinking about... things."
Kurt reached out and pulled her into a tight hug.
"Well," he said as they sat back and looked at each other, "if I know one thing about Rachel Berry, it's that she can make it through anything. With help, anyway," he teased, batting his eyelashes.
Rachel put her arm out and pretended to slap the side of his head, but she was smiling.
"How're you?" she asked, wiping the residual tears off her face. "Now that, you know..."
Kurt understood. Now that he and Adam had broken up and he and Blaine were no longer speaking.
"It's only been a few days," he reminded them both, "but so far... I'm handling it."
"Good," Rachel nodded approvingly. "I know sometimes we –"
Her phone rang, cutting her off, and the custom ringtone announced that it was Brody on the other end of the call. Kurt left her to talk to her boyfriend and shut himself in the bathroom to brush his teeth and work through his nightly moisturizing ritual. When he re-emerged into the apartment, Rachel had disappeared into her room and drawn the curtain closed. Santana was back, sprawled out on the couch with her clothes and shoes still on, and all the lights were off except the lamp in Kurt's bedroom.
Kurt understood the silent message. Brody wasn't coming back to the apartment tonight.
BLAINE
On Tuesday, Blaine was surprised when he was called out of class in the middle of his math class by a Cheerio with a note that said "Sue Sylvester requests your presence". His surprise magnified when he arrived at Sue's office and realized that Tina was there, too.
"Please," Sue motioned at two chairs in front of her desk as Blaine and Tina walked into her office, "sit."
They sat down, and Sue wasted no time getting to the point.
"Young Burt Reynolds," Sue addressed Blaine, "may I gently remind you that, on Wednesday, December 5th, you joined the Cheerios, but you have been conspicuously absent from practice since Thursday, December 6th."
"We've told you," Blaine reminded her, "we only joined for a day when we thought glee club was disbanding."
Sue picked up a stack of papers from her desk and briefly held them up. "And yet you signed this legally binding contract that clearly states, on page 43, paragraph 7C-9: 'Blaine Devon Anderson will provide said Cheerios duty at any and all pep rallies, assemblies, town meetings, state fairs, concerts, television programs, motion pictures, video games, Republican National Conventions –"
"I never signed that," Blaine interrupted.
"Well that's funny," Sue said calmly as she leaned over and showed Blaine the bottom of the last page of the document, "because your signature says you did."
"That's a forgery," Blaine said as he looked at his name scrawled across the signature line.
"And you can't prove that," Sue challenged.
"I probably could," Blaine disagreed. The signature on Sue's document included his middle name. He never included his middle name in his signature.
"Cheerios' Regionals is fast approaching," Sue explained, ignoring Blaine's disagreement as she settled back into her chair and took off her reading glasses, "and I need a shiny, sexually non-threatening gay to hoist up some of the most gorgeous girls in America over his head, have a bird's eye view of their baby oven, and not even be remotely interested."
She lifted her drink off the table and used it to motion at Blaine. "And that would be you."
"Thank you...?" Blaine said, feeling like there was a compliment somewhere in the short speech. "But I'm just too busy with glee club and student council."
"If you need me back, I guess I could do it," Tina spoke up.
"Why are you even here?" Sue asked.
"You called me out of class," Tina reminded her.
"You're dismissed," Sue said. "Go find a new boyfriend. Maybe Lance Bass is available. Or RuPaul."
Tina rolled her eyes and stormed out of the room.
"Suit up, soldier!" Sue said to Blaine as he stood up to leave, too.
"I'll help you put it on," Becky suddenly appeared beside him holding a Cheerios' uniform box.
"No, thank you, Becky," Blaine declined. He turned to Sue. "I'm not re-joining the Cheerios."
"Oh, you most certainly are," Sue clarified, her voice grave. "Or something very unfortunate will most likely be happening to you extremely soon."
"Are you threatening me?" Blaine challenged.
"Uh, yeah," Becky said, shoving the uniform box into his stomach so he had to take it from her. "Get moving, biotch!"
Blaine decided not to argue. He would go put the uniform back in its place in the locker room and return to class. He wasn't interested in re-joining the Cheerios.
Becky spanked him as he walked past on his way out the door and Blaine jumped in surprise. After a quick, disbelieving shake of his head, he hurried out of the room and wandered down the hallway to the locker room. The cabinet that housed extra Cheerios uniforms was locked, so Blaine stuffed his uniform box into his gym locker and rushed back to class.
After school and glee rehearsal, he went home, had dinner with his family, and did his homework before settling into his desk chair to mess around on his computer for a while before bed.
To his surprise, there was a flood of new emails in his inbox. He frowned, confused, as he scanned through the subject lines. Congratulations on your new credit card! Thank you for opening an account with us!
Blaine rolled his eyes and highlighted all the similar emails, preparing to delete them, but one of the subject lines caught his eye and he paused. Important details about your new home loan.
It was from his bank; he had the bank's email address flagged so it would show up as important in his inbox, and this new loan email was marked as such. Blaine clicked through to read the email, wondering if it was a newsletter of some kind.
It wasn't. Someone had taken out a huge loan in his name.
A rush of adrenaline charged through Blaine as he clicked back to his inbox and took another look at what he had assumed were spam emails about credit cards. They were all real, too. Someone had opened thirty credit cards using his identity.
Blaine had no idea what to do, so he ran down the stairs. "Mom?" he found his mother first, reading a magazine on the couch in the living room, "I need your help."
KURT
That evening, Kurt's phone rang while Santana was in the shower and Brody and Rachel were busy cooking – flirting – in the kitchen, and Kurt was glad for the distraction until he saw that it was Burt calling. Kurt's heart felt as if it was making a valiant attempt to lurch out of his chest as he imagined all the reasons why his father might be calling him late on a Tuesday evening.
"Hello?" Kurt answered quickly as he jumped off the couch and motioned to Rachel that he was going to sit on the fire escape to talk on the phone.
"Hey, Kurt," Burt said.
"Is everything okay?" Kurt asked immediately.
"Chill, kiddo, everything's fine," Burt reassured him as Kurt climbed out the window onto the fire escape. "Can't I just want to hear my son's voice?"
"I'm glad to hear your voice too, Dad," Kurt relaxed a little. "How're you feeling?"
"Wiped out," Burt explained, "but okay."
"When's your next appointment?" Kurt asked.
"Uh, maybe next week?" Burt wondered. "Carole's got it written down. And Blaine always reminds me, too, at least if he's taking me."
"Oh," Kurt said.
"Oh?" Burt echoed suspiciously.
"Not everything has some secret meaning, Dad," Kurt scolded.
"Okay," Burt agreed. "So, enough about your old man. How's city livin'?"
"Busy," Kurt summarized.
"How's Adam?" Burt asked. "You two, uh, doing fine?"
Kurt cringed and hesitated.
"Kurt?" his father pressed.
"We broke up," Kurt admitted. "It just... wasn't..." he didn't know how to explain the situation without admitting much more than he wanted to admit to his father, so he just trailed off and hoped Burt wouldn't press the issue.
"I'm sorry," Burt said, not sounding particularly distressed. "You okay?"
"Yes," Kurt confirmed.
"How're things with you and Blaine?" Burt asked.
"What is this, twenty questions?" Kurt wondered, more sharply than he intended. He knew that Burt liked Blaine and thought that Kurt and Blaine were, eventually, going to work things out. He didn't want to hear it. "There is nothing between me and Blaine. We're no longer speaking."
"When did that happen?" Burt inquired.
"Recently," Kurt explained tersely. "Pretending that we can still be friends wasn't fair to either of us."
"Are you sure that's what you want?" Burt asked gently.
No, Kurt thought.
"Yes," he said firmly.
"Alright," Burt agreed. "Is it okay if he still takes me to my appointments sometimes? It's a big help to me and Carole, but if you feel strongly –"
"No, it's fine," Kurt told him, even though he wasn't sure it was fine. He didn't like the twinge of jealousy he felt whenever he thought about Blaine getting to take care of his father.
A short moment of silence was broken when Burt cleared his throat.
"Hey," Burt said, "I'm proud of you."
Kurt had no idea what his father was talking about, so he waited.
"You've shown great compassion throughout this whole situation with Blaine," Burt explained. "You've stood your ground without crushing his spirit, and that's not an easy thing."
"Thanks," Kurt said softly. He understood what Burt meant – he could have just ignored Blaine forever and labeled him a cheater and a horrible person instead of trying to salvage their friendship – but Burt's words hit Kurt as a reminder of how much he missed Blaine. Even though he didn't want to miss him. So far, Kurt's plan of being utterly unattached was just making him feel lonely.
"I love you, Kurt," Burt said.
"Love you, too, Dad," Kurt replied. "Thanks for calling."
"Talk to you soon," Burt said, and Kurt could hear the smile in his voice. "Goodnight."
BLAINE
As he climbed out of his car at McKinley the next morning and began the walk across the parking lot to the school, Blaine was lost in thought about all the things he was going to say to Sue, and then Principal Figgins, about Sue's complete lack of professionalism and morals. To Blaine's great relief, he and his parents had been able to work everything out – calling banks and credit card companies for nearly four hours – so all of the fraudulent accounts Sue had opened were taken care of without any permanent damage to Blaine's or his parents' finances. Blaine had been so thankful that he had thrown his arms around his father and hugged him goodnight before they all went to bed at nearly two o'clock in the morning.
As Blaine passed two girls who parked near him and offered them a distracted smile, their eyes went wide and they grasped excitedly at each other's arms as they dissolved into giggles. Blaine didn't know what to make of their strange reaction, so he kept walking and quickly realized that everyone was noticing him as he walked by. Most people's attention was nonverbal, but a group of football players gathered around someone's SUV decided to add commentary.
"Hey girl, want some?" one of them commented as another thrust his hips suggestively.
Blaine glanced around to make sure they weren't talking to someone else, but he was the only person in the vicinity. He quickened his pace, suddenly feeling vulnerable in the open space, and slowed down only when he reached a small crowd of students that was blocking his path to the door to the school. Blaine started to push his way through the crowd when he realized they were all looking up to the sky. He paused near the back of the small crowd and turned his gaze in the same direction.
There was a plane flying above the school dragging a banner that said "Blaine is on the bottom".
"Come on!" Blaine scoffed in disbelief. He spun around, ignoring the giggles of his classmates, and quickly finished his walk to the building. Sam was waiting for him just inside the door.
"Woah, man, who'd you piss off?" Sam asked, motioning upward even though they were inside.
"It's Sue," Blaine fumed, walking quickly to his locker with Sam hurrying behind him. "She's insane."
"Well, that's nothing new," Sam commented.
"What is it with teachers at this school?" Blaine wondered bitterly as he spun the dial on his locker, trying to remember his combination through his frustration. "Mr. Schu is being horrible to Finn and Sue is just... outrageously out of line."
Blaine flung open his locker and shoved a few books in, trying not to look at the photos of Kurt on the inside of his locker door and failing miserably.
"I miss Kurt," he pouted.
Sam's answering silence was unexpected, and Blaine glanced at him and realized that Sam was trying not to laugh.
"It's not funny," Blaine whined. "Sam."
"It's kind of a funny prank," Sam snorted. "I mean, it's horrible, but... okay, just horrible," he backtracked quickly.
Blaine closed his locker and leaned his back against it.
"We have to do something," he said, locking eyes with Sam.
"We could replace her protein powder with laxatives?" Sam suggested.
Blaine shook his head. "No," he disagreed, "it needs to be something more permanent. She cannot be allowed to continue terrorizing us like this."
In the ensuing moment of thoughtful silence, Blaine realized what he needed to do.
"Maybe I should re-join the Cheerios," he suggested.
"What?!" Sam shouted.
"God, Sam! Shh!" Blaine scolded as all the other students in the vicinity glanced in their direction. He motioned for Sam to lean in closer. "Look, I know it sounds crazy, but... keep your enemies close, right?"
Sam straightened up to his full height. "A double agent," he said solemnly.
"Yes," Blaine confirmed.
"Perfect," Sam breathed, a huge smile suddenly stretching across his face. "Dude, you're a genius."
"Thanks," Blaine returned the smile.
"Oh, oh!" Sam realized, jolting his arms excitedly. "This is totally a feud between you!"
Blaine nodded his approval as Sam elaborated. "All you need to do is challenge her to a sing-off, and then you let her win and she thinks she succeeded in blackmailing you back to the Cheerios! And you're in! Yeah!"
He raised a hand and Blaine high-fived him.
"Go get her," Sam announced, throwing an arm out in the direction of Sue's office.
As Blaine walked down the hallway, trying to get into the right mindset to storm into Sue's office and make a scene, he glanced up and saw Becky walking down the hallway toward him.
"Sorry I yelled, gay Blaine," Becky said as she approached. "Here."
"Oh, Cover Boy hair gel," Blaine realized as Becky shoved a jar with a bow on it into his hands and marched away. "This is really expensive... thanks, Becky."
He pulled the bow off of the jar as he walked, happy that someone was sorry for acting so insane, and pulled the lid off so he could examine the gel inside.
It looked strange.
As soon as Blaine lifted the jar to his nose to smell the contents, he knew that someone had mixed a large amount of glue in with the gel. He took a deep breath, channeled the real anger he felt about the attempted attack on his hair, and stormed down the hallway to Sue's office.
"You!" he shouted, pounding on the wall between Sue's office and the hallway as he approached. He paused at the window that separated the office from the hallway and held up the jar Becky had given him, "I know you're behind this! It's cement!" Blaine raged as he rushed through the door into Sue's office where the coach was polishing one of her large trophies.
"And someone took out thirty credit cards and a house loan in my name!" he added, pretending that the attempts to sabotage his finances had been successful. "My identity has been stolen; my parents' credit is ruined!"
"Only for seven years," Sue said calmly.
"But that sign," Blaine fumed. "That sign! That's completely inexcusable! And it's not true! Not really!"
He stepped forward so he was standing in front of Sue's desk. "This is officially a feud between you and me!" he challenged. "And there's only one way to solve it."
"A sing-off featuring the music of two feuding superstars?" Sue suggested.
Her correct guess startled Blaine into silence.
"Oh, I read all about it on who-gives-a-crap dot biz," Sue told him. "Fine. Nicki Minaj versus Mariah Carey. I will sing Nicki, due to my Trinidad roots. And, if you win the challenge, I'll tear up your Cheerios contract."
"Fine," Blaine agreed sharply. "Perfect."
"But that will never, ever happen," Sue threatened, leaning over the desk until her face was only inches from Blaine's. "Because you are looking into the face of –"
"– evil," Blaine finished.
"I was going to say 'high school cheerleading national champion'," Sue countered, "but thank you."
Blaine stared her down for another second to make sure she knew he wasn't intimidated and then turned and walked out of the office.
"It was a rush," Blaine laughed as he told Sam the story of his faux meltdown over lunch.
"This is too cool," Sam shook his head as if he couldn't believe their luck. "What song are you gonna sing?"
"I Still Believe," Blaine told him.
"Yeah, good choice," Sam approved. "It has, like, meaning to your life so everyone'll dig it."
Blaine was taken aback. He hadn't thought about the lyrics of the song; he just knew he liked to sing it. But it was the perfect representation of how he felt about Kurt.
"Huh," Blaine finally managed, acknowledging Sam's observation.
"You know," Sam said, "you're really going to have to suck to lose this thing. And everyone knows you're like the best performer in New Directions, so...?"
Blaine shook his head. "Sue's desperate," he surmised. "She's going to do something outrageous. I'm just going to sing an okay version of the song and let her overpower me."
BLAINE
That afternoon in glee club, Ryder and Unique sang an Elton John/Madonna mash-up to address a feud they were having over Ryder's refusal to acknowledge Unique's gender.
"Wow, guys!" Mr. Schu approved as the rest of the group applauded at the end of the song. "That was incredible! What inspired that mash-up?"
"I mean, the theme was 'feuds'," Ryder reminded him, "so we just –"
"So, Unique demanded mediation," Unique interrupted.
"And I suggested an Elton John/Madonna mash-up," Artie explained.
"Well," Blaine said, walking to the center of the room to stand by Unique, "the awesome thing about feuds is that, once all the anger is gotten out, you can shake on it and let bygones be bygones, right?"
"Unique would happily shake Ryder's hand," Unique agreed as Ryder got up from the drum set and extended his hand. "But first, say I'm a girl."
Ryder withdrew his hand. "Look," he said, "I'm just so confused, okay? Yesterday you were dressed as a boy. Today you're a girl. What bathroom do you use? I mean, make up your mind."
"It doesn't matter what you see," Unique retorted. "You don't get to decide for me."
She turned and walked out of the room.
"You are a douchebag, dude," Jake commented to Ryder. "I mean, in this room, we can be whatever we want to be."
"Alright, hey," Blaine protested, silencing any further name-calling. "Look," he turned his attention to Ryder, "this was a good first step. Thank you."
"Don't patronize me," Ryder rolled his eyes and walked back to his seat, leaving Blaine alone at the front of the room. Mr. Schu was noticeably silent.
"Alright," Blaine addressed the group, "that's all for today. Tomorrow, rehearsal's in the auditorium."
BLAINE
"In the nineties," Mr. Schu told the group the next afternoon as he and Finn prepared to perform their feud week mash-up, "the media pitted two of America's hottest music groups against one another in an epic clash for pop culture supremacy."
"And, just so y'all know," Artie added, "we will be joining this performance because we," he motioned to Blaine and the other guys on stage with Mr. Schu and Finn, "are basically Switzerland and we support all parties that are involved! Thank you!"
"Whatever," Kitty called from the audience. "Begin, please!"
As Blaine sang and danced behind Mr. Schu – he and Jake had been chosen to join Mr. Schu on the NSYNC side of the Bye Bye Bye/I Want It That Way mash-up because they were the best student dancers – he was pleased to feel the tension between Mr. Schu and Finn lessening as the song drew to a close.
"Well," Sam said as the girls' cheers died away, "the love on the stage is obvious. You two bros need to just hug it out."
"I'm in," Finn agreed, taking a few steps in Mr. Schu's direction. "What do you say, Mr. Schu?"
Mr. Schu sighed unhappily. "I want to, Finn," he said, "I really do, I just... I can't."
Blaine watched as Finn's face fell and then settled into resolve.
"Fine," Finn acknowledged. "Cool. There's nothing I can do or say to win back your trust. I get it."
He paused, and Blaine started discreetly disconnecting himself from the ropes they had used for a puppet effect during the mash-up so he could intervene.
"For whatever it's worth," Finn said to Mr. Schu, "thanks. For everything."
He turned and walked off the stage.
"Thanks, guys," Mr. Schu said to the boys on the stage before turning and walking away in the opposite direction.
"Well, that was a success," Kitty commented.
"Shut up," Tina snapped.
Blaine dismissed the rehearsal and rushed out of the auditorium through the same door Finn had used, but Finn wasn't around. Blaine couldn't find him anywhere and, when Blaine finally decided to give up and go home, he noticed that Finn's car was gone. So, he settled for sending Finn a text.
Sorry today didn't work out, he said.
When Blaine got out of the shower later that evening, Finn's reply was waiting for him.
You tried, dude. Thanks. I think I just need a little break from high school.
KURT
That evening, Kurt and Rachel had just finished cleaning up after dinner when Rachel's phone rang. It was Brody.
"Hey, babe," Rachel answered cheerfully as Kurt wandered to the living room and sprawled out on his back on the couch to attempt to read a book he had to finish by the start of the following week. "How's –?" She stopped abruptly and Kurt could hear Brody talking, but not well enough to understand what he was saying.
Whatever he had to say made Rachel severely unhappy.
"Right," she said eventually. "Right, okay. We - Kurt and I will handle this. See you tonight. Okay, bye."
Kurt pretended to hide behind his book as Rachel hung up the phone, hoping to elicit a better mood from his friend, but she ignored his efforts.
"Santana just made a scene at NYADA," she explained as she wandered over and threw herself into a chair.
"What?" Kurt sat up.
"Yeah," Rachel elaborated. "She just walked right in and – in front of an entire class of students! – made a scene about her perception of Brody. She sang Cold Hearted at him!" Rachel finished with a dramatic wave of her arms.
"No," Kurt gasped.
"I'm so tired of this," Rachel said sourly. "This is our place, Kurt. And she's just so–"
"Abrasive," Kurt suggested. "I'm still mad about her going through all our stuff."
Rachel made a noise that suggested that she agreed. "We have to kick her out," she said.
"Woah," Kurt protested, climbing off the couch to sit in a chair beside Rachel. "That seems a little extreme."
"What else are we going to do?" Rachel asked desperately. "We can't just talk to her; we've tried that! She makes all of us feel uncomfortable, especially Brody, and it's unacceptable! Plus, now she's going to NYADA and making a big scene there, too? She's out of line any way you look at it."
Kurt hated the idea of throwing their friend out, but he had to agree that Santana had done little but make everyone as uncomfortable as possible since she had arrived.
"Let's talk to her first," Kurt suggested. "And if she doesn't repent, we'll ask her to leave."
They didn't have to wait long. A few minutes later, the door to the apartment slid open and Santana walked in.
"Guess who just got a job tending bar at the Coyote Ugly saloon down on 1st Street?" she sang happily, pointing to herself as she removed her jacket. "Hopefully it bodes better for me than any of the has-beens who starred in that movie," she added as she walked into the apartment.
"Santana, if you'd just take a seat, please, and join us for a little family loft conversation," Rachel said bluntly.
"Creepy," Santana commented, glancing at Kurt and Rachel in their respective chairs, "but okay."
She sat down in a chair facing Kurt and Rachel.
"We just got off the phone with Brody," Kurt explained. "Did you confront him at NYADA with a Paula Abdul song?"
Santana looked unbothered.
"You can't just march on in there and, like, act all crazy, okay?" Rachel stressed. "We go to school there!"
"That was the best performance that place has seen in years," Santana shot back.
Kurt glanced at Rachel and realized he was going to have to be the one to say it.
"We want you to move out," he explained sternly.
"You're joking," Santana said after a brief silence.
"We're not," Rachel clarified.
"Olsen twins, let me tell you something," Santana said, shifting in her seat. "I've known you both for years and I don't like either of you ninety percent of the time. In fact, your wide-eyed, Keane painting approach of life makes my teeth hurt and my breasts ache with rage."
Kurt wanted to interrupt and tell Santana that she was doing a horrible job if her goal was to get them to reconsider, but Santana kept going. "But you know what? I have love for you. You're my family and I haven't lied to you in months. I'm smarter about other people than the both of you; you have to trust me."
"Santana, you're making Brody feel uncomfortable, okay?" Rachel explained. "And he was here first, so you either lay off of it or you move out."
"Fine," Santana said, trying to cover her disappointment with nonchalance. "That's fine. You know what? I don't– I don't mind going." She stood up and gathered the pillow and blankets she had been using from the couch as she continued. "I ran into Lena Dunham at Barney's and she told me that I could crash with her if I ever needed to, so... that's cool 'cause she has two Golden Globes."
Kurt didn't know what to think as he watched Santana start to turn toward the door. He didn't like throwing her out, but he was at his wit's end when it came to her attitude.
"Oh, you know what?" Santana said, spinning back around to face them. "And another thing: I have what Access Hollywood calls street smarts. I'm right about plastic man."
She grabbed her suitcase and marched out the door.
"I'm pretty sure she just stole my comforter," Rachel commented as soon as she was gone.
Kurt grunted an affirmative. "Bitch took my pillow," he added.
"She didn't even close the door," Rachel whined.
Kurt got up and walked over to roll the door closed as Rachel texted Brody to let him know that Santana was gone and wouldn't be coming back.
"I can't believe we had to do that," Kurt mumbled, rubbing both hands over his face in annoyance as he returned to his chair.
"She'll be fine," Rachel determined.
Kurt wasn't sure. Where was she going to go this late at night?
"We'll call her tomorrow and make sure she's okay," Rachel added, and Kurt knew that she was worried, too.
BLAINE
When Blaine walked into the choir room the next afternoon for glee rehearsal, Sue was already there. She was dressed in full-blown Nicki Minaj costume, as was Becky. Blaine made sure he rolled his eyes so everyone could see him as he found a seat. Inside, he was bouncing with excitement at the prospect of fooling Sue into thinking that she successfully blackmailed him back to the Cheerios.
"Alright, Blaine? Sue?" Mr. Schu motioned at them and then to the front of the room. "Go for it."
Blaine got up and motioned to the band to begin I Still Believe. As he sang, Blaine danced around the room; the kind of dancing he often did when he was alone in his room with the radio on. Nothing too flashy, but enough that he looked like he was trying.
"You look in my eyes and I get emotional inside. I know it's crazy, but you still can touch my heart. And, after all this time, you'd think that I wouldn't feel the same. But time melts into nothing and nothing's changed. I still believe that one day you and me will find ourselves in love again."
Blaine danced closer to Sue, taunting her as he sang. She looked unfazed, and Becky jumped out of her seat and rushed over to whisper to one of the band members.
"Just give me one more try in love again..." Blaine sang.
Abruptly, the music changed and Sue stood up. She walked past Blaine to the front of the room, shoving him toward the chairs as she passed, and took over with Nicki Minaj's Super Bass. Blaine feigned unhappiness, but he was secretly pleased. Sue felt completely in control.
Blaine fell into the chair Sue had just vacated and pouted as she sang and danced with the Cheerios. Eventually, she brought in a raised platform, feathers, and a black light as props. Blaine jumped back into the song when he saw a chance to weave into her melody, but by the end it was clear that all the students would remember about this competition was Sue's performance.
"And that, ladies, gays, in-betweeners, and hag for life," Sue addressed the group after striking the last pose of her song, "is how it's done."
"Impressive, Sue," Mr. Schu allowed. "Both of you," he corrected quickly, motioning at Blaine.
"But Coach Sylvester used, like, feathers!" Blaine protested, motioning desperately to the props as he rushed to the center of the room. "And– and a blacklight and she brought in the Cheerios!"
"Yeah, that's not fair!" Tina agreed.
"Yes, but nobody ever said life is fair, Tina," Sue scolded before turning her attention to Mr. Schu. "So, William, though it's shockingly clear who the winner is, would you do the honors? And, unlike that interminably long voting montage at the end of Lincoln, let's make this fast."
"Show of hands for Blaine as Mariah?" Mr. Schu inquired.
Tina was the only one to raise her hand.
"Thank you, Tina. Come on!" Blaine urged the rest of the group, making a point not to look at Sam.
"Noted," Sue said as nobody else raised their hand.
"All in favor of Sue as Nicki?" Mr. Schu asked unnecessarily.
"Well, I hope you're ready for some form-fitting polyester, gay Clark Kent from season one of Smallville," Sue said to Blaine as the group decided that Sue was the winner, "because it looks like you're going to be the bottom of my Cheerios' pyramid, after all."
Blaine rolled his eyes and pretended to be disappointed, but he and Sam laughed the entire way to Sam's house to hang out that afternoon.
BLAINE
The next day, Blaine received two doses of good news as he hung out with Marley at her locker before school. Finn was leaving McKinley to go to college to get a teaching degree and Ryder had made peace with Unique.
"So," Marley teased, "looks like you're a pretty good teacher, yourself."
"Except that I have to re-join the Cheerios," Blaine pouted.
"I think you're going to look cute in the uniform," Marley giggled.
"True," Blaine grinned. "And I like the physical aspect of it," he admitted as the bell rang.
As Blaine walked toward his first class, he knew that being a Cheerio wasn't going to be horrible. He did like the physical activity, and it was an excuse to work on his flexibility and dance skills. Plus, the goal of bringing Sue down from the inside gave the whole thing purpose.
He just had to deal with Sue's crazy.
Blaine put on his Cheerios uniform at the start of the lunch period and went to Sue's office to officially re-join the Cheerios.
"You look absolutely adorable," Sue said, pinching Blaine's cheek as he stood in the middle of her office so she could make sure he was dressed appropriately. "And, just to show there's no animosity between us, I have decided to make you and Becky my Cheerios' co-captains."
"Yes!" Becky cried from her seat. She jumped out of her chair and reached up to pull Blaine's face down for a quick kiss on the lips. "I love you," she said as she released him.
"Thank you?" Blaine mumbled as he tried to figure out how he ended up in this situation.
"Let this be a life lesson to you," Sue said as Blaine turned to face her, "one that you'll remember twenty years from now when you're playing Uncle Nubbins in The Suite Life of Zack and Cody reboot: That the real world is nothing like glee club, where you can join and re-join, quit and re-quit whenever you're not crying or throwing confetti at each other."
Blaine was glad that he had been forced into re-joining the Cheerios so he could roll his eyes at her without seeming suspicious.
"Because," Sue continued, "in the real world, there are commitments. And you're only as good as your word."
She stood up and stepped forward until she was directly in front of Blaine. "Blaine Devon Anderson, do I have your word that you are fully committed to my team?"
So far, Blaine hadn't had to lie as part of his plan, so he tried to dodge the question by nodding noncommittally.
"What?" Becky shouted. "She can't hear you!"
"Yes, Coach Sylvester," Blaine lied, adding an innocent smile to the end for extra impact.
"Alright," Sue agreed, returning to her seat. "Gymnasium, 3:05. Oh, and a little trick of the trade?" she reached inside a drawer and produced a red thong. "From now on, wear a thong to avoid visible panty lines."
She tossed the thong to Blaine, and he was proud of himself when he managed not to laugh. Instead, he huffed out a long sigh and walked silently out of the room.
He glanced at the thong in his hand as he walked down the hallway and let the smile he had been holding back stretch across his face. So far, so good.
"How'd it go?" Sam hurried up to Blaine; he had been waiting just out of sight for Blaine to finish his meeting with Sue.
"Exactly as planned," Blaine said proudly. "I'm gonna work from the inside and bring her down. By the time we graduate, Sue Sylvester's reign of terror will finally be over."
"Excellent," Sam approved. They high fived before going their separate ways. Blaine wanted to put the thong in his locker and grab his bag before meeting the group for lunch.
He connected, face-first, with the row of lockers before his mind even registered that someone had shoved him. Startled, he stumbled against the lockers and managed not to fall over, and he glanced over his shoulder just in time to see a red letterman jacked disappearing around the corner.
"Hey, lady," the boy teased as he departed. "Nice outfit."
As Blaine straightened his uniform and quickly walked to meet his friends for lunch, he wished that he could call Kurt. He wanted to tell Kurt that he had joined the Cheerios, and about his ulterior motive for doing so. He wanted to tell Kurt about what had just happened and let Kurt reassure him that he wasn't going to suddenly become the target of every male athlete at the school. He wanted to ask Kurt if he had heard about Finn's new plan and to ask Kurt if he was doing okay.
But Blaine was still honoring Kurt's request for no communication, so he resisted. Instead, he had Marley take a photo of him in his new Cheerios uniform during lunch and posted it to Facebook where he knew Kurt would see it.
KURT
That evening, Kurt was wandering across NYADA's main courtyard after a long afternoon of rehearsal for a play his acting class was working on, barely paying any attention to his surroundings, when he realized someone was calling his name.
He turned just as Finn finished jogging across the open courtyard and skidded to a stop beside Kurt.
"Finn?" Kurt exclaimed, shocked and thrilled to see his step-brother.
"Hey," Finn grinned.
"What... are you doing here?" Kurt questioned.
Finn's expression hardened. "You can't tell Rachel I was here," he said seriously.
"You don't want Rachel to know you're in New York," Kurt clarified, even more confused than he had been before the strange request.
"Right," Finn confirmed. "It's..."
"I called him," Santana suddenly appeared. Kurt stepped back in surprise, slightly worried that she had retaliation in mind after being kicked out of the apartment.
"Relax," Santana rolled her eyes. "This is about that creep Rachel, and the rest of the city, is sleeping with."
"What?" Kurt inquired.
"I'll give it to Rachel; she was right," Santana said. "That Brody guy's not a drug dealer. He's a hooker."
Kurt hoped that his facial expression was doing a decent job of expressing his emotions because he felt as if he had forgotten how to speak. Brody was selling sex, not drugs.
"Rachel doesn't know," Finn said quickly.
"And we disagree about when she should be made aware," Santana said sourly.
"How do you...?" Kurt shook his head.
"I set up a fake meeting with him," Santana shrugged. "And then Finn... explained how it's gonna be."
Kurt glanced at Finn, alarmed.
"He'll be fine," Finn said. "As long as he stays away from Rachel."
"We can't tell her," Kurt realized, trying to internalize what Santana and Finn were saying and figure out how to protect Rachel all at once.
"Are you serious?" Santana snapped. "She needs to kick that ass to the curb and then get all kinds of tests."
"If you tell her about this right now," Kurt explained, "she might freak out. And her Funny Girl audition is soon, Santana. If we tell her about this before then and she isn't in the right emotional state to wow those producers, it's on us."
"No," Santana disagreed, "it's on Brody."
"We can't tell her," Finn agreed.
"Oh my god, what is this?" Santana glared at Finn and Kurt.
"This is us looking out for Rachel," Kurt retorted. "We're going to tell her. But not until after her Funny Girl audition."
Santana hesitated.
"Promise," Kurt pressed, glancing at Finn for support.
"Come on Santana," Finn urged. "Until after the audition."
Santana exhaled loudly. "Fine," she agreed.
"Promise," Kurt pressed.
"I promise," Santana said.
Kurt was skeptical.
"Good," Finn said, relieved.
"I'm out of here," Santana huffed, turning to walk away as she mumbled something about "stupid".
Kurt and Finn went to dinner – Kurt buried the guilt he felt about excluding Rachel and let himself enjoy his step-brother's presence – and spent a few hours talking and laughing about everything from their high school experiences to their plans for the future.
"You're going to be a wonderful teacher, Finn," Kurt declared after Finn told him about his plans to go to college to get a teaching degree. "That's an amazing plan."
"Yeah, and look at you," Finn grinned. "You're, like, the coolest guy I know."
Kurt snorted out a particularly undignified laugh as he imagined what his sophomore year self would do if he had known that that sentence would ever come out of Finn's mouth.
As Kurt recovered from his moment of personal hilarity, Finn suddenly shifted the conversation to a more serious topic.
"Is Rachel okay?" he asked, looking like he both craved and feared the answer.
Kurt nodded. "She's okay," he allowed. "I– if you ever tell anyone I said this I will deny it, but I think she misses you."
"Yeah?" the look of delight on Finn's face reassured Kurt that he had said the right thing.
"Yeah," Kurt confirmed. "I don't understand why you won't just come back to the apartment and see her."
Finn shook his head. "I don't want to be that guy," he said. "That guy who acts entitled to his girl. I had to come because Santana thought I might be able to scare that Brody guy away with, you know, a little forceful conversation. But that doesn't mean I'm deluding myself that Rachel's gonna want me back right now."
Kurt nodded his understanding. "Suddenly you're so wise," he teased.
"This whole thing with Mr. Schu has really made me think a lot about what it means to be an adult and a man, you know?" Finn supplied Kurt's lighthearted comment with a serious response.
"Are you going to ask me about Blaine?" Finn asked abruptly, before Kurt was finished thinking about his previous comment.
"Uh," Kurt glanced down at his plate, "no, I don't– we're not talking. Anymore."
"I know," Finn reminded him, "but that doesn't mean you aren't curious."
"I don't want to be curious," Kurt shook his head, lifting his gaze from the table to Finn's face.
"Well, he's okay," Finn said. "He misses you a lot, though –"
"Please don't," Kurt resisted.
"– but I think he'll be okay without you," Finn finished. "I thought you might want to know that in case you were worried about him."
Kurt said nothing as he dealt with the small bit of reassurance and the large dose of heartache that accompanied Finn's statement.
To Kurt's relief, Finn changed the subject again, and they chatted about Burt and Carole and college and a bunch of completely unimportant things until Finn glanced at his phone and noticed the time.
"You should probably go, right?" he suggested. "My flight doesn't leave until early tomorrow morning, but Rachel might be suspicious if –"
"I promise you," Kurt interrupted, "the last thing in the world Rachel would suspect is that I just spent a few hours with you."
"I know," Finn agreed. He smiled as they both stood up and walked out of the restaurant onto the sidewalk. "I'm just paranoid."
Kurt rolled his eyes affectionately as Finn stopped walking and turned to face him to say goodbye.
"Thanks for not telling Rachel," Finn said seriously.
Kurt hugged him, sadder than he anticipated at the prospect of not seeing his step-brother again for weeks or months after this unexpected meeting.
"Good luck in college," Kurt said as they stepped out of the hug.
"Thanks," Finn smiled. "Good luck with, you know, with NYADA and Vogue and stuff."
"It was really good to see you, Finn," Kurt admitted.
"You too, man," Finn nodded. "See ya."
"Bye," Kurt waved, and they both turned and walked away toward their respective destinations.
Whew, the scene near the end of this episode (not included here since it had nothing to do with Kurt or Blaine) when Finn confronts and then fights with Brody. Generally, I don't like it because it's like... Rachel doesn't belong to either of you. But now, knowing that Finn is never going to get to marry Rachel... "Stay away from my future wife!" is unbearably sad.
Anyway, sorry for that downer commentary. This is a fun episode! The fact that Blaine and Sam manufactured the feud with Sue in order to bring her down from the inside is the BEST. Sweet, dramatic BFFs. Their friendship is one of my very favorite things about this season. :)
Up next... 4x17: Guilty Pleasures!