So, who has a guilty pleasure they want to share? ;) I don't have any musical guilty pleasures that I can think of – I like a whole lot of everything! – but in general... I guess fanfiction might kind of be my guilty pleasure? I'd never deny loving it if someone asked (and everyone I know knows that I am an epic fangirl, so I'm sure they all just assume), but I'm not really one to talk about reading (or writing) fanfiction with the non-fandom people I know in the mythical land of "real life".
(I do not own Glee or any of the characters, dialogue, or songs from the show. It's all just for fun!)
KURT
Brody moved out of the apartment the day after his encounter with Finn. Kurt wasn't home when it happened, but he opened the apartment door that evening, found Rachel crying on the couch, and knew immediately what had gone on while he had been at work. He had feigned ignorance, asking Rachel what was wrong and listening as she explained that Brody had grabbed his things, said goodbye, and left the apartment with no solid explanation.
Kurt knew the explanation. Finn. But Finn had made Kurt and Santana promise not to tell Rachel that he had come to New York, so Kurt acted as if Brody's decision baffled him as much as it surprised Rachel.
Despite the shock of Brody's departure, by the following morning, Rachel seemed almost fully recovered. No tears. No lingering sour attitude. In Kurt's eyes, she seemed almost relieved, as if Brody's departure had freed her from some kind of emotional burden. Kurt wondered if he had underestimated the degree to which Rachel had been fooling herself into thinking she and Brody had a future together.
This was nothing like the devastation Rachel had felt after she and Finn had separated.
For Kurt, however, there was a more pressing issue to deal with than Rachel's lack of grief.
"At the risk of sounding crass," Kurt said cautiously as he poured two cups of tea the morning after Brody moved out, "I'm not particularly interested in going back to $900 in rent each month."
"Brody might move back in," Rachel suggested calmly as Kurt sat down across the table from her and slowly slid her cup of tea into her hands. Kurt was trying to think of a gentle way to ask what they should do if Brody didn't move back in when Rachel, staring down into her cup, added, "but I agree."
"Maybe..." Kurt braced himself for resistance, "Santana?"
"I don't know," Rachel disagreed, glancing up to meet Kurt's hopeful gaze.
"We know her," Kurt began the list of pros he had been making in his head all morning. "We wouldn't have to get used to someone entirely new. We already know she's a decent roommate... most of the time. And this time we'll make her pay a third of the rent. Maybe she'll respect our space a little more if she's invested financially."
"We threw her out, Kurt," Rachel reminded him.
"I know," Kurt agreed, "but..." he shrugged. It felt right, although he wasn't sure why. Santana had done very little but make his and Rachel's lives miserable in the few weeks she had spent living with them in the apartment. Maybe, Kurt thought, his desire to invite her back stemmed from the guilt he felt about the fact that they had thrown their friend out onto the streets of New York. Especially when, as it turned out, she had been right about Brody all along. But he couldn't use that argument against Rachel, because he was trying to hide the truth about Brody's secret life from her until after her first big Broadway audition.
Rachel thought about it as she took a sip of her tea.
"Okay," she agreed. "But only on a provisional basis. We reserve the right to kick her out again. For good."
Kurt nodded, glad and a little surprised that Rachel had been so easily swayed, and picked up his phone to call Santana.
She was back in the apartment by lunchtime.
"Where have you been staying, anyway?" Rachel inquired, wrinkling her nose as Santana deposited Rachel's comforter and Kurt's pillow on the floor in the middle of the apartment next to her suitcase.
"You don't want to know," Santana replied vaguely. She smirked at Kurt as she added, "If I never see another hooker in my life, it'll be too soon."
Kurt glared at her and hoped that his facial expression said "Don't make me regret inviting you back."
Santana shrugged at him and disappeared into the bathroom.
"I'm never using that pillow again," Kurt commented, leaving it on the floor as he walked to the kitchen to find something to eat for lunch. "She can have it."
"I can still hear you!" Santana sang from behind the closed bathroom door.
"You owe me a new pillow!" Kurt sang in return as Santana started the shower and he turned his attention back to making his lunch.
BLAINE
Early in the week, Blaine walked up to Sam at his locker before school and discreetly offered him $50 in cash.
"Here," he said without preamble. "Don't tell anyone and you don't have to thank me."
Sam didn't immediately take the money, so Blaine forced it into his hand.
"Dude, what are you doing?" Sam questioned.
"It's only fifty bucks!" Blaine scolded. "Just take the money. I know what you've been up to and it just has to stop."
Sam stuffed his hands into his pockets. "What are you talking about?" he whispered.
"Last week I found a shortcut between my locker and the parking lot," Blaine explained. "Walking through the cafeteria cuts out fifteen seconds from my daily routine. And, yesterday, I saw something."
He knew from the look on Sam's face that Sam knew what he was talking about. Blaine had watched Sam stuff multiple bags of uncooked pasta into his bag when he thought he was out of sight in the cafeteria's pantry.
"Listen, I know your dad's been struggling and I just want to help!" Blaine told Sam as he followed him down the hallway, trying to alleviate some of the new tension in Sam's body language. "Help you feed your family. Hunger is a big problem in this country! Although, so is obesity... which is confusing."
Sam stopped walking and turned to face him. "Okay, can you promise to keep a secret?" he asked, glancing around to make sure nobody would overhear them.
"Yeah," Blaine agreed, "of course."
"I have been stealing pasta," Sam confessed. "But it's not for dinner. It's... it's art."
"It's...?" Blaine raised his eyebrows, requesting more information. Sam was stealing pasta for art?
"Just, here, come with me," Sam grabbed Blaine's arm and dragged him down the hallway to the art classroom. They paused outside the closed door.
"Close your eyes," Sam commanded. When Blaine hesitated, Sam stepped behind him and clasped his hands over Blaine's eyes so he couldn't see. Blaine laughed and allowed himself to be guided into the art room and situated so he was facing whatever Sam wanted to show him. He heard Sam take a deep breath behind him before removing his hands from Blaine's eyes so Blaine could see what had happened to the stolen macaroni.
There were five portraits on easels lined up on one side of the classroom. The portraits were made of uncooked pasta instead of paint or ink.
"So," Sam inquired nervously, "what'd'ya think?"
"Are those... macaroni portraits?" Blaine managed.
"They're my guilty pleasure," Sam explained, sounding more confident since Blaine hadn't immediately made fun of him. "My art teacher thinks I'm some kind of genius like the ugly guy in Shine. Except with macaroni."
Blaine thought the portraits were amazing.
"Is this Emma Stone?" Blaine asked as he walked closer and examined the artwork.
"Yeah," Sam confirmed, and then continued as Blaine walked by each portrait. "And then you've got LeAnn Rhimes, Ralph Macchio... those are the guys from Duck Dynasty! I even did, uh, Kurt."
"The macaroni really captures him," Blaine said without thinking as he paused by the macaroni portrait of the boy he loved. "Thank you for sharing this with me," he added as he turned and walked back over to where Sam was still standing near the door. "This is really incredible."
"Woah, woah," Sam stopped him with his voice. "Not so fast, though. Now it's your turn. So..." Sam motioned with his hands for Blaine to say something.
"My turn... for what?" Blaine asked.
"Your guilty pleasure," Sam clarified.
"I don't have a guilty pleasure," Blaine told him.
"You're lying," Sam said immediately. "Everybody's got that one thing that they like that they're so ashamed of that they refuse to admit it to anybody."
You, Blaine thought, trying not to stare at Sam's lips as he spoke.
"I love..." Blaine struggled to think of something plausible and ended up saying the first thing that came to his mind, "...Wham!."
"What?" Sam didn't understand.
"The band," Blaine explained quickly. "Wham!. They're, like, my favorite band of all time."
"Hi guys," Tina interrupted, knocking on the doorframe to get their attention.
"Hey, Tina," both Sam and Blaine greeted her. Blaine was secretly relieved that she had interrupted any potential awkwardness.
"Did you hear the news?" Tina asked. "Mr. Schu's out with the flu this week."
"Hey, uh, just curious," Sam teased, "are you gonna go over to his house and straddle him while he's passed out? Rub some ointment on his chest?"
Blaine struggled not to laugh as Tina responded, "That was a phase. Anyway, don't bother coming to glee club this week," she added. "It's canceled."
Tina turned and walked away, and Blaine turned his attention back to Sam.
"Not necessarily," Blaine commented on Tina's parting words.
Sam didn't understand.
"Everyone has a musical guilty pleasure," Blaine explained. "It might help boost morale to have a silly assignment this week, right?"
"Yeah!" Sam agreed excitedly.
Blaine nodded. "And we," he motioned between himself and Sam, "can demonstrate with my guilty pleasure."
"Wham!," Sam recalled.
"Exactly," Blaine confirmed happily.
"You have to stop stealing pasta from the cafeteria, though," Blaine chastised as they walked to Blaine's locker so he could grab what he needed for his first class of the day.
Sam grunted unhappily. "They've got such a great selection," he whined as they reached Blaine's locker. "There's regular pasta in, like, every shape you can imagine and they've got it in lots of colors, too. And spaghetti..."
It took Blaine three attempts to successfully open his locker because he was laughing so hard.
"But hey," Sam realized as Blaine tried to reign in his laughter and sifted through his locker for the books he needed for class, "now that I've got this $50..."
"Oh my god," Blaine moaned, dropping his head in mock defeat.
"I'm gonna make a portrait of you, my first, uh..." Sam paused, looking to Blaine for the proper word.
"Benefactor," Blaine suggested.
"Yes, that," Sam grinned as the bell rang that meant that they had to hurry to class.
The first half of the day flew by, and Blaine met up with Sam again during their lunch period to plan their glee club lesson for the week. They sent out a text message to all of New Directions, letting them know that rehearsal was not canceled, and got to work designing and making t-shirts for their Wham! demonstration.
"Why are we here?" Kitty asked as she walked through the door to the choir room that afternoon. "I thought Mr. Schu was sick?"
"I was wondering the same thing," Unique admitted.
"Oh, come on, guys!" Blaine scolded. "Regionals is only a few weeks away! Even without an advisor, we can't afford to miss one week of preparation."
"Which is why Blaine and I asked you all to come here!" Sam told them, rushing over to the white board. "We have come up with an assignment for this week."
"Please be songs about sweaters," Brittany commented.
Sam wrote Guilty Pleasures! on the whiteboard, and he and Blaine turned excitedly to the group.
Everyone was silent.
"Guilty pleasures!" Blaine encouraged. "Come on! We all have some musical shame. You know what I'm talking about! You know... that secret love we dare not speak. But, when it comes on the radio, we can't help but turn up the volume and sing along."
"Yeah, and we're supposed to sing one of those songs for Regionals?" Ryder asked skeptically.
"No," Blaine clarified. "Sam and I were speaking earlier. Just, like, shootin' the crap like two bros do, you know... and we felt really safe with each other. So, we decided to reveal our guilty pleasures."
"And it felt amazing," Sam added. "I mean, letting go of this big secret made me feel so good!"
"We figured if we all share musical shame with each other, we could all become a more cohesive team for Regionals!" Blaine finished.
"Unique knows no shame, baby," Unique scolded.
"So, besides Unique," Sam said, "does anybody else have something they would like to share?"
Silence.
"Guys, this is a great team-building exercise!" Sam pressed.
"Okay," Jake suggested as he walked across the room from his seat to the piano where Marley was standing, "well, then, you guys go first."
It was the moment Blaine and Sam had been waiting for.
"We thought," Sam said, "instead of telling you, we could... show you."
Blaine and Sam quickly removed their hoodies to reveal t-shirts that said CHOOSE LIFE – a nod to the music video of Wham!'s Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go – and the band began playing as Blaine started the song.
"You put the boom-boom into my heart. You send my soul sky high when your lovin' starts. A jitterbug into my brain goes a bang-bang-bang 'til my feet do the same."
Sam picked up the song, and Blaine danced around the room, trying to get everyone energized about the song and the week's assignment.
"But something's bugging me. Something ain't right. My best friend told me what you did last night. You left me sleeping in my bed. I was dreaming but I should've been with you instead."
They sang and danced around the room until the song ended and Blaine knew everyone was on board. Some of the other students tried to pretend they were still skeptical, but they were all too willing to follow Blaine and Sam to the auditorium to put the song together with some simple choreography and 80s-inspired costumes. It was all basically an excuse to dance and sing all over the stage without the pressure of the song being a contender for Regionals. Nobody was there to pick apart every little mistake; they could relax and have fun.
"Wake me up before you go-go. Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo. Wake me up before you go-go. I don't wanna miss it when you hit that high. Wake me up before you go-go 'cause I'm not planning on going solo. Wake me up before you go-go, ah. Take me dancing tonight. I wanna hit that high! Yeah, yeah."
By the time the song ended, everyone was full of energy. It had been a while since they had all been able to let loose and just sing and dance because they loved it. Since Mr. Schu had come back to supervise New Directions, things had been decidedly more serious and stressful than when Finn had been in charge.
"Alright," Ryder confessed, smiling broadly, "I admit. That was fun."
"Hell yeah it was fun!" Artie agreed as he high-fived Sam. "Who needs a faculty advisor?"
"Seriously, though," Kitty commented.
"Mr. Schu's under a lot of stress," Blaine said, trying not to let the group get too worked up about Mr. Schu's recent behavior. "He'll come around."
"Yeah, when he doesn't feel threatened," Tina argued. "Which is basically never."
"Like it or not," Blaine said firmly, "the fact of the matter is that we have to have a teacher sponsoring us in order to exist at this school."
"Yeah," Sam spoke up, as if he suddenly realized that Blaine was trying to keep the group from turning on its director, "maybe we should just enjoy this week of freedom and deal with Mr. Schu when he gets back."
Blaine looked around at everyone in the group, silently asking them to trust him. No matter how much they resented Mr. Schu's recent bad attitude, New Directions couldn't exist at McKinley without him. They had to work with what they had.
"Okay," Marley nodded, jumping on board. Blaine smiled at her as her acknowledgement triggered a chorus of reluctant agreement.
"Thank you," Blaine said. "So, the week's assignment: let us hear your guilty pleasures! And make it fun, guys. There'll be plenty of time for serious preparation when Mr. Schu gets back."
KURT
In one of Kurt's acting classes on Monday, the professor urged his students to use their secret sources of shame as vehicles to enhance their vulnerability as actors. Kurt watched, slightly horrified, as a few of his fellow students acted out various personally embarrassing scenes from their lives, until suddenly it was his turn.
"Kurt? You're up," the professor said.
Kurt chose a slightly embarrassing, yet not particularly traumatizing moment from his childhood to reenact in front of the class, but the exercise got him thinking about his real guilty secrets.
He was obsessed with marathon watching old television shows. He loved Richard Simmons workout videos, a fact that he had managed to keep secret from both Rachel and Santana, despite their living situation.
But Kurt's real guilty pleasure had come to him one night a few weeks after his breakup with Blaine. He had been alone in his room, mindlessly watching videos online in an attempt to numb his brain until the Ambien he had just taken worked its magic and allowed him to sleep, and he had seen an advertisement.
A boyfriend pillow.
It was essentially a pillow to cuddle with at night, but it had an extra feature. A curved arm that wrapped around your body and simulated, as much as a pillow could, the gentle embrace of a boyfriend.
The video advertisement had been all about curing loneliness and helping you sleep at night, both of which had been problems for Kurt at the time. So, his half-asleep mind had decided that he needed one.
When it had arrived a few days later, non-drugged Kurt was horribly embarrassed. He had quickly found a place for the pillow under his bed and decided to forget about it. But, that night, as the sharp stab of loneliness and exhaustion settled over him in the darkness of his bedroom, he had given in and tried it.
He had gotten so used to sleeping with it that he rarely slept without it. It was comfortable. He had even named it – Bruce – in an attempt to feel less insane about being so attached to a pillow.
Rachel and Santana didn't know about Bruce. Kurt had thought that Santana had discovered the boyfriend pillow when she had rifled through his and Rachel's things after moving in, but she hadn't mentioned it. Kurt was sure that, if she knew about Bruce, Santana would've said something by now, so he was starting to relax. She must not have looked inside the case under his bed where Bruce spent each day hidden away from the world.
BLAINE
After gym class the following day, Blaine was getting dressed back into his Cheerios uniform, daydreaming about confessing his crush to Sam, when Sam suddenly appeared beside him.
"Dude," Sam barely stopped as he walked past, "put some pants on. I need to talk to you."
Sam's tone was serious, so Blaine quickly pulled on his Cheerios pants and followed Sam down a small hallway in the locker room.
"So, lately, I've been battling a really deep-seeded sense of shame about something in my life," Sam explained as they walked. "And it's a secret I've kept buried for as long as I can remember."
"Really?" Blaine asked, trying to ignore the way his heart rate had suddenly increased. Was Sam...?
"Yeah," Sam confirmed as they stopped walking and Sam turned to face Blaine. "And I– I've been waiting to, like, let it out and release this inner sin that has tortured my insides."
Blaine glanced around to make sure nobody was standing too close.
"Do... you have feelings for me?" he asked hesitantly.
"What?" Sam scoffed immediately. "Dude, no! Come on."
"Obviously," Blaine backtracked as fast as he could, trying to brush his comment off as a joke. "Obviously, I'm kidding. I'm just trying to loosen you up!" he punched at Sam's chest briefly, mentally berating himself for being so forward. Of course Sam wasn't gay. Blaine knew that.
"It's a million times worse than that!" Sam explained desperately.
Blaine scrambled to keep up. "Well," he said encouragingly, flinging his emotional turmoil aside so he could offer decent advice, "until you can speak it, you're gonna be stuck in this shame spiral forever." He grabbed Sam's upper arms to make sure Sam was hearing him. "So, hey, you can trust me. You can tell me anything."
Sam glanced around before leaning forward to whisper something in Blaine's ear. Blaine couldn't understand him.
"What?" Blaine whispered as Sam stepped away.
"I said 'I like Barry Manilow'!" Sam blurted loudly.
All the other guys in the locker room turned to look at Sam and Blaine.
"No," Blaine shook his head, "no, no. No, you can't... you can't say that in the locker room!" He grabbed Sam and dragged him a few feet to a more private space. He could tell that some of the other students were still watching them.
"I know, I know," Sam agreed, "I know, but, alright, I just relate to the stories. The breakups. The lost love. Oh, and the rain! Who shot who? It's like he's talking right to me!"
"Well, then," Blaine encouraged, "I think you need to come out to everyone and say that."
"No," Sam disagreed.
"Once you stop hiding, you'll feel so much better," Blaine told him, thinking of how free he had felt after finally coming out during his first year of high school. Despite all the emotional and physical pain of being bullied, the clarify of self Blaine felt as an out and proud gay man was one of the best things that had ever happened to him.
"You really think I could just stand up in front of everybody and... say that I'm a Fanilow?" Sam asked anxiously.
"Absolutely," Blaine said firmly.
"I don't know," Sam protested, glancing around to see how many people were still watching them.
"This week is about going for it," Blaine reminded him. "Confessing the things you feel guilty about loving... because, really, there's nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to love."
"I agree," Sam said intensely, locking eyes with Blaine as if his words had profound meaning.
"Uh, so," Blaine said awkwardly, suddenly a little shy with Sam looking at him so intently, "are you going for it?"
Sam studied Blaine's face for a moment before he shrugged.
"Fine," Sam agreed. "But only if I get to wear some kind of costume."
"Sure," Blaine nodded. "I'm sure we can find something Barry-esque in the costume closet."
"Thanks, man," Sam clasped him on the shoulder.
"No problem," Blaine said softly as Sam turned and walked away so they could both finish getting re-dressed. "See you after school."
KURT
That night, Kurt, Rachel, and Santana had dinner together in the apartment and Kurt started to feel like maybe their new arrangement was going to work out. They laughed their way through memories of high school and told stories of the craziest people they had encountered since moving to New York. Rachel tried to explain Jewish holidays to Santana and Kurt tried to explain to both of the girls why he was definitely not interested in going to a gay bar with either of them. Eventually, the conversation flowed into a discussion about Mr. Schu's failed wedding – Santana was convinced they had been cursed by choosing Valentine's Day as their wedding date – and, somehow, Kurt was coerced into saying out loud that he had slept with Blaine that weekend.
"I can't even believe you're blushing right now," Santana rolled her eyes as Kurt immediately regretted saying anything. "Really? The sexual tension between the two of you was so intense that it turned me on."
"I am an adult; this is none of your business," Kurt defended himself, trying to maintain his composure as Santana read into his actions. "It was just... a fling."
"Oh please," Santana judged, "I had a fling that weekend. You had make-up sex."
"We did not make up," Kurt disagreed as Rachel asked "You had a 'fling'?"
"Yeah," Santana shrugged complacently, "it turns out Quinn's more adventuresome in bed than I would've guessed."
Kurt felt his mouth fall open as Rachel tried to stammer out a sentence of disbelief and only succeeded in squeaking out a few syllables before falling silent.
Santana studied their faces briefly before adding, "It was nice."
"Oh god," Kurt rolled his eyes.
They cleaned their dishes in silence and watched a few episodes of a show Rachel had recorded to their DVR before getting ready for bed. Kurt waited until Rachel was definitely in the shower – hidden behind the curtain – before pushing the bathroom door open and wandering into the small room to brush his teeth.
"Okay, this is ridiculous," Santana commented from behind Kurt as she walked through the open door. "If I'm going to be paying a third of the rent, I'm going to be needing a third of the shelf space."
"Don't get too comfortable, okay?" Rachel disagreed from behind the shower curtain. "This is only temporary."
"I don't even think you need all of these beauty products, Rachel, because they're not really having the desired effect," Santana shot back as she examined the shelves that held Kurt's and Rachel's skincare and hairstyling products. "Unless your goal is to look like a reject from the Shahs of Sunset."
Kurt leaned over and spit into the sink so he could interject.
"One: Rachel is beautiful," he scolded, turning briefly to glare at Santana. "Two: you're a bitch and those are my products, okay? And maybe if you used them you wouldn't have more oil than the Middle East on your face."
"Ohhhh!" Rachel acknowledged the slam against Santana before starting her daily vocal exercises. She claimed that doing them in the shower was best because she didn't have to worry about a lack of humidity that could dry out her throat.
"Okay, that's really funny," Santana said, lowering her voice as she approached Kurt so that Rachel couldn't hear. "You wanna play with me, Kurt? Because I can play. All day, every day. What if I just told your BFF about her BF and his man-whoring ways?"
Kurt spit his toothpaste into the sink one final time and glared at Santana in the mirror.
"We had a pact," he reminded her.
"What if I broke that pact, huh?" Santana said as Kurt put his toothbrush down and turned to face her. "What would you do? Attack me with your exfoliating loofah?"
"She can't find out until after her Funny Girl audition, alright?" Kurt replied sharply. "That would wreck her!"
"Maybe if you made me some space I'd care a little bit more," Santana challenged.
Kurt didn't want to argue, so he made sure that Santana noticed his eye roll before marching over to the shelving unit to clear a shelf for Santana.
"I want that whole top row," Santana clarified.
Kurt didn't have the patience to try to arrange all of his products on one shelf, so he piled everything that was on Santana's desired shelf into his arms and retreated to his room. He dumped the products on top of his dresser and decided that, as soon as Rachel's Funny Girl audition was over, he was going to tamper with every single one of Santana's skincare products.
After shrugging off his hoodie and tossing it over his full-length mirror so he didn't have to bother folding it, Kurt quietly removed Bruce from his trunk and climbed into bed.
He was almost asleep when Santana's voice and the sudden flood of light in the room as she turned on the light startled him awake.
"What the hell is that?" Santana scoffed.
"Oh my god!" Kurt sat up, his boyfriend pillow still wrapped around him, and saw both Santana and Rachel standing in his room. "The curtain means privacy!"
"Oh my god, Kurt," Rachel said, not bothering to hide her amusement as Kurt yanked the boyfriend pillow off from around his body and dropped it into his lap. "That thing is really creepy... what is that?"
Kurt was too mentally exhausted to lie. "I thought it was stupid the first time I saw it, too," he whined. "But I kept thinking about the ad, you know? 'Are you lonely? Do you need companionship?' Yes, yes, I need all those things. It just offers you a nice, protective arm around you while you sleep at night."
"Hey, I mean, it's probably safer than trolling Grindr for a man whore," Santana approved as Rachel put something down near the end of Kurt's bed and climbed onto the bed to sit beside him.
"Did you name it?" Rachel asked in a tone of voice that suggested she already knew the answer.
"His name is Bruce," Kurt admitted. "And we're exclusive. So you cannot borrow him!" he added as Rachel put her hands on the pillow.
Rachel glanced at Santana, and they both dissolved into giggles.
"I'm so glad I'm here for your amusement," Kurt pouted.
"Awww," Rachel leaned over and wrapped her arms around him, squeezing him in a hug before releasing him.
"So," Santana questioned, sitting down on the end of Kurt's bed, "why's it named Bruce?"
Before Kurt could stop her, she had snatched Bruce out of his hands so she could look at the pillow more closely.
"I just like the name Bruce, okay?" Kurt rolled his eyes. "Now can you please go away so I can get some sleep?"
"And 'Bruce', your boyfriend pillow, just happens to start with the same letter as, oh, I dunno, your ex-boyfriend's name?" Santana pressed.
"There are only twenty six letters in the alphabet, Santana," Kurt scolded. "Some people's names start with the same letter."
Santana threw Bruce back to Kurt and stood up. "Whatever you say, Mr. We're-Just-Friends."
She bent over to pick up whatever Rachel had put down by the end of Kurt's bed and carried it out of the room.
"Have you –" Rachel started.
"Goodnight," Kurt turned to her, offering no room for arguing.
Rachel pouted, but obeyed. Just before she slipped out of the room, she turned her head back in Kurt's direction.
"Goodnight, Kurt," she said before dropping her gaze to the pillow in Kurt's lap. "Bruce."
"The only reason I'm not throwing Bruce at you is because I'd have to get out of bed to pick him up!" Kurt shouted after her as she disappeared in a fit of giggles. He heard Santana say something inaudible from the kitchen, and both girls burst into laughter.
Kurt wrapped himself in Bruce's embrace.
"They're just jealous," he whined as he settled back down onto his mattress and pulled his comforter up to his chin.
BLAINE
The next day, Blaine and Sam's English class was held in the library as part of their teacher's attempt to encourage reading. Blaine was relaxing at one of the library's tables with his feet propped up and a Goosebumps book open in his lap when he was distracted by a student waving a red handkerchief around as he walked past. Blaine glanced up and saw Sam approaching – pausing briefly to take in the student with the red handkerchief's unusual, old-fashioned attire.
"Looks like your guilty pleasure lesson has really been taking over the school," Sam commented as he walked over to the table where Blaine was sitting.
"Yeah, that kid's always had a weird obsession with culottes," Blaine grinned up at him. "What's up?"
"Here's the thing," Sam said. "So far this week, you know, you've been talking the talk, but now I need you to walk the walk, pilgrim!"
Blaine didn't know what Sam was talking about, so he didn't interrupt.
"I've been honest about my guilty pleasures," Sam said, "and I even wore those tiny little Wham! sh –"
"Shhhh!" the librarian hushed him.
"I wore those tiny little Wham! shorts," Sam lowered his voice and continued, "and we did that great number, but now it's your turn to be honest because you haven't really been yet, so far."
He sat down across the table from Blaine, and Blaine removed his feet from the table.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Blaine dodged.
"Well, you know, you're only as sick as your secrets, dude," Sam elaborated. "And that's what this week's assignment is really about. This is your chance to really set an example for the glee club! What's yours going to be?" Sam challenged, pointing purposefully at Blaine before standing up and walking away.
Blaine watched Sam walk away and wished that he could run after him and tell him everything. There was never going to be anything between them. Blaine knew that. He didn't even want that. Not really. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with Kurt, not Sam. But he couldn't stop thinking about it. Even as he tried to work out a way to reconcile with Kurt, there was always a little part of Blaine's mind that made room for fantasies about Sam. He rarely allowed himself to indulge in anything more intense than a daydream of Sam kissing him or saying stupid, romantic things to him, but Blaine still felt like he was betraying some kind of code of brothers by even thinking about it.
He also felt like a hypocrite for keeping his secret so tightly guarded as he encouraged everyone around him to open up. Blaine considered Sam's challenge as he picked up his book again and flipped it open so he could pretend to read while his mind tried to figure things out. He needed a song that would accomplish two tasks: provide him with a solo performance for guilty pleasures week and help him let go of the shame of having feelings for someone who would never feel the same.
KURT
The morning after Rachel and Santana found out about Bruce, Kurt had an idea on the train ride to Manhattan that wouldn't leave his mind all day. So, after his final class, armed with research he had done online during lunch, he set out to buy two boyfriend pillows and supplies to change one of them from a boyfriend pillow to a girlfriend pillow. He rushed back to the apartment, desperately hoping that neither Rachel nor Santana would be there when he arrived, and he was relieved to find the apartment empty.
Kurt hurried to his bedroom and pulled the curtain closed so he could go to work on changing the body of one of the pillows. He added a breast and a longer, nightgown-esque outfit, and then he laughed at his handiwork as he stood back and looked at Bruce and the two new pillows side-by-side on his bed.
Rachel came home first, and Kurt had to pour all of his attention into his homework to keep from telling her about his surprise. By the time Santana got home three hours later, Kurt felt ready to explode with anticipation.
"Okay!" he announced as soon as Santana had finished dumping her bag off beside the couch. "Sit. Both of you."
"Are we in trouble?" Rachel worried as she got up from the table and walked over to sit beside Santana on the couch.
"No," Kurt grinned. He held up two eye masks. "I have a surprise."
"Wanky," Santana commented as Kurt covered their eyes with the masks.
"Only in your dreams," Kurt said pleasantly. "Alright, no peeking."
"What is it?" Rachel squealed anxiously, laughing as Kurt stepped into his room and grabbed their pillows off his bed.
"No peeking!" Kurt reminded them as he slipped their respective pillows around their necks. He rushed around to stand in front of them and bounced up and down excitedly. "And... peek! Peek, peek, peek!"
Santana laughed as she removed her eye mask and saw her modified now-girlfriend pillow.
"Oh my god! Kurt, you gave my boyfriend pillow a sex change!" she exclaimed, sincerely pleased. "That's so sweet."
"A little perfume and voilà!" Kurt teased.
"If you ever tell anyone about this," Santana said as she stood up with her pillow still hooked around her neck, "I have no ethical problems with Hummelcide."
She looked pleased as she walked away, but Rachel didn't look as enthusiastic. She remained on the couch with her new boyfriend pillow in her lap.
"You don't seem as excited about yours," Kurt commented as he sat down beside her.
"This is weird," Rachel motioned to her pillow. "And I'm not lonely, okay? I don't need anything to cuddle with. Just because Brody moved out doesn't mean that we're not gonna get back together."
"Okay, no," Santana's stern voice piped up from across the room.
Kurt snapped his head around to glare at her, but he knew immediately that it was too late.
"What?" Rachel asked.
"I'm sorry, it is over," Santana commanded as she abandoned her girlfriend pillow and walked back over to stand near the couch. "And it's going to stay over. I was wrong about Brody being a drug dealer, but I was just wrong about what he was selling. Your boyfriend wasn't a cater waiter. He was a gigolo. Like Magic Mike with happy endings for money."
Kurt felt a horrible sense of inevitability as he turned to look at Rachel. This moment had been rapidly approaching ever since Finn had come to New York.
"That's not true, right?" Rachel begged, staring at him. "You– you didn't know about that... it's not true, right? Right?"
Kurt didn't have to reply. Rachel saw everything she needed to know in his face. She jumped up and ran to her room, dragging the curtain closed behind her.
"You're welcome!" Santana shouted after her.
Kurt turned a frustrated glare on her. "Why'd you have to do that?" he asked.
"It's for her own good," Santana told him.
Kurt closed his eyes and leaned his head over to rest on his hand on the back of the couch. Santana's need to be brutally honest at all times had just thrown Rachel's emotional well-being into chaos, and the whole situation was causing Kurt more stress than he wanted to accept. He had his own issues to deal with.
"You think Rachel needs to be coddled," Santana leaned over to whisper, "but what she needs is a best friend – best friends – who's honest with her."
"Here's a little honesty," Kurt snapped, keeping his voice quiet despite the frustration boiling inside him. "Just because you think you're right about everything doesn't mean you can just do and say whatever you want, whenever you want."
"I am right," Santana shot back. "And you know it."
"About this?" Kurt allowed. "Maybe. But you don't always get to decide, singlehandedly, what's best for everyone."
"Whatever," Santana said defensively. "Get off my couch; I need my sleep."
BLAINE
The next day, Blaine had the band members help him move the piano into the auditorium so he could perform the song he had chosen to represent his guilty pleasure. The other students of New Directions settled into chairs in the audience, and Blaine sat down at the piano without saying anything. He was too anxious to explain the song before he sang it.
As he played the song's introduction on the piano, Blaine tried to relax. The song was one he had spent quite a bit of time working on in the weeks immediately following his breakup with Kurt as he struggled to come to terms with the uncertain future of their relationship.
"How can I just let you walk away? Just let you leave without a trace? When I stand here taking every breath with you, oh. You're the only one who really knew me at all."
Blaine glanced at Sam, but couldn't read his friend's expression.
When Blaine's agony of being separated from Kurt had been at its most intense, Sam had been there. With Blaine all the time, holding onto the idea that Blaine was a good person, even when Blaine couldn't. Sam saw him, understood him in a way that no friend ever had before.
"How can you just walk away from me when all I can do is watch you leave? 'Cause we shared the laughter and the pain, and even shared the tears. You're the only one who really knew me at all. So take a look at me now. Well, there's just an empty space. And there's nothing left here to remind me. Just the memory of your face."
Blaine was frustrated that he felt so vulnerable about his feelings for Sam. Intellectually, he knew that his emotions regarding Sam were probably remnants of the strong feelings he had for Kurt, but it felt so real. It was comforting to feel attached to someone.
"I wish I could just make you turn around. Turn around and see me cry. There's so much I need to say to you. So many reasons why. You're the only one who really knew me at all."
Part of Blaine wished that Sam would notice, like he had noticed Blaine's despair after he returned from New York carrying the burden of his shattered relationship with Kurt. Then, maybe Blaine could tell him how grateful he was that Sam had been there for him all year. And how scared he was that confessing his crush might ruin everything.
"Oh, so take a look at me now. Well, there's just an empty space. And there's nothing left here to remind me. Just the memory of your face. Now, take a look at me now 'cause I'll still be standing here. And you coming back to me is against all odds. It's the chance I've got to take. So, take a look at me now. So, take a look at me now."
The group gave Blaine a standing ovation, but Blaine could sense the confusion in the room. He was nervous as he turned to face his friends.
"So, who was that about, exactly, Blaine?" Tina questioned.
Kitty leaned forward from her place behind Tina and shoved Tina's shoulder. "Shut it," she snapped.
"Uh, it was about Kurt," Blaine half-lied as his friends sat down. "Obviously. That breakup's still a fresh wound."
"But," Blaine continued as he walked down the stairs at the front of the stage and moved toward his friends, "it's really about the musical genius of Phil Collins. And, like any musician of his time, when you dominate that period with such success, people tend to make fun of you and put them down. But, the truth is, he's a musical legend and I'm tired of people making fun of him and I'm going to dedicate a good part of my future ensuring that his genius is understood and appreciated."
He knew he had said too much as soon as the words left his mouth. He was panicking. Trying to divert attention from what he had been feeling as he sang. He paused briefly and glanced at Sam.
"I am no longer in the closet about my love for Phil Collins," Blaine added.
In the short moment of silence that followed, Blaine couldn't get a good read on Sam's feelings, so he offered Sam a friendly smile and prayed that he hadn't made Sam feel uncomfortable.
"Alright, everybody," Sam said, standing up again and clapping his hands, "give it up for Blaine Anderson!"
The group gave him another round of applause and Blaine dropped his gaze to the floor, embarrassed and confused. Why was he so attached to Sam when he loved and wanted to spend his life with Kurt?
BLAINE
Over the next few days, the girls did a Spice Girls number and Jake danced and sang to My Prerogative, and it was all a welcome distraction for Blaine. After school on Friday, Blaine went to the auditorium to work out the last few details of an arrangement of Sussudio he was planning to sing for New Directions that afternoon. He really did like Phil Collins, and he wanted to end the week with an upbeat song.
"What's that?" Sam's voice distracted him from his task, and he glanced up to see Sam walking across the stage toward him.
"I wanted to do one more Phil Collins song before they made us put our guilty pleasures back in the closet," Blaine explained cheerfully, making a quick correction to the arrangement in his notebook.
"Well, maybe we don't have to," Sam countered, leaning on the piano. "I mean, everybody seems to be having so much fun with them out on the table, you know, maybe life's just better this way."
"I don't know about that," Blaine said skeptically. "I think if we always indulged ourselves in that kind of thing I think we'd make a lot of people pretty uncomfortable."
"You don't have to be uncomfortable," Sam said seriously.
Blaine looked up at him as a spark of panic flared inside him.
"Dude, it's okay," Sam reassured him. "I– I get it. Your guilty pleasure is me."
Blaine couldn't make his brain engage fast enough to say anything, so he stammered out a nervous "um" and fell silent.
"I mean, I've known all year," Sam continued, "and, you know, frankly, I'm an attractive guy and you are into dudes and if you weren't into me I'd probably be pretty offended."
Blaine stared down at the piano keys as Sam spoke, ashamed and strangely relieved that Sam had known about his crush all along. Sam was so calm.
"Um," Blaine said, full of apprehension. "You're not... freaked out?" he finally looked up at Sam and tried not to get too flustered as he attempted to explain himself. "Because I don't want to jeopardize our friendship. I mean, you've been there for me throughout this whole Kurt thing and it's been a very –"
"Dude, okay, just stop!" Sam tried to interrupt as Blaine spoke. "No, don't do that – stop!" Sam commanded, and Blaine cut himself off so Sam could say, "Nothing is going to change."
Blaine exhaled heavily, trying to release some of his embarrassment. He dropped his gaze back to the piano.
"Okay?" Sam pressed. "We're like brothers. I trust you." Sam suddenly looked and sounded a little amused. "And, you know, to tell you the truth," he said, "the attention feels kinda good. It's flattering."
Blaine smiled and ducked his head slightly. He could barely process what that Sam was saying. Every time Blaine had imagined Sam finding out about his crush, the conversation had ended with the implosion of their friendship. Blaine had never known a straight guy who was so comfortable with his gay friend having a crush on him. He didn't know what to say.
"Hug it out," Sam demanded. "Let's go! Come on! Hug it out!"
Blaine stood up and Sam quickly dragged him into a tight hug. Blaine hugged him back, hoping that the action somehow expressed how grateful he felt.
"Um," Sam said suddenly, his voice tinged with unease, "Dude, um, please tell me that is a pack of Life Savers in your pocket."
"Oh!" Blaine pulled out of the hug. "Yeah, no, they're breath mints. Do you want one?
"Yeah, sure," Sam agreed, and Blaine gave him one. "Alright, mmm, thanks. Alright, let's go lead one more class. I have a song that everyone's gonna love, so..."
"Wait up!" Blaine called as Sam rushed away before Blaine was finished gathering his things. He snatched his notebook off the top of the piano and rushed after his friend.
"Mamma Mia!" Sam announced to the group as he and Blaine walked into the choir room.
"Oh my god, I saw that movie three times in two days," Tina approved as the other girls squealed their support.
"It was so weird seeing Pierce Brosnan singing," Jake commented. Ryder hid his face in his hands.
"But," Sam said, "you liked it anyway. Everyone did. Am I right?" he turned to Blaine.
"You're right," Blaine agreed, smiling at the calm affection he saw in Sam's eyes.
They were still friends. Everything was going to be okay.
"Alright, then!" Sam announced, pointing in the direction of the door. "Let's go, everyone! Time to get ABBA-fied!"
KURT
That evening, Kurt and Santana were engrossed in a Facts of Life marathon – snuggling with their boyfriend and girlfriend pillows on the couch – when Rachel arrived home. She and Kurt had eaten lunch together at NYADA earlier in the day, and Rachel had told him not to wait around for her after class because she was going to talk to Brody before coming home. Ever since, a little part of Kurt had been worrying about what kind of emotional state Rachel would be in when she returned to the apartment.
"Okay, we have to turn this into a musical so I can play Jo," Santana commented on the television show as Rachel walked through the doorway.
"Can I be Blair and we can do a duet?" Rachel asked. The question, and Rachel's tone of voice, offered Kurt a glimmer of hope that whatever had happened with Brody had not been terribly traumatizing for his friend. He paused the show and he and Santana turned their attention to Rachel.
"Well, that depends on what happened with you and the American Psycho," Santana replied.
"Yeah, we had a pretty mature and honest conversation," Rachel said evenly as she walked over to sit in a chair near Kurt. "You know, we decided that we're obviously going to be professional because we're gonna see each other all the time and be in each other's lives because we go to the same school. But, um... but yeah. It's over. For real."
Rachel paused, and Kurt glanced at Santana.
"And, you know, I really have you to thank," Rachel spoke again, her eyes trained on Santana. "Because you didn't give up and you were really trying to make me see and I– I appreciate you getting Finn to come and defend my honor. I know that was you, so..."
Kurt and Santana shared a glance that expressed pleasant surprise that Rachel had taken the news of Finn's trip to New York so well.
"I swear, I will never doubt your Mexican psychic third eye ever again," Rachel finished.
Rachel leaned back into her chair, and Kurt untangled himself from Bruce so he could lean over and rub Rachel's knee. He was glad that she was so calm – maybe, he wondered, she had known this was coming even if she didn't want to admit it – but he was still worried about her.
"Why the long face?" he teased. "You've got a hot boyfriend pillow in there named Colin. I named him Colin after the non-threatening boy in The Secret Garden because I know how much you loved it."
Rachel smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes.
"Don't be sad," Kurt encouraged, trying to gain some insight into Rachel's emotional state.
"I'm not," Rachel reassured him. "I'm good. I feel ready, you know? I'm ready for my Funny Girl audition and to maybe start seeing older guys..."
Kurt knew she was going to be okay as she grinned at her own suggestion.
"And I'm definitely ready for our new and permanent roommate," Rachel added, pointing at Santana.
Part of Kurt wanted to argue that Rachel had not consulted him before offering Santana a permanent home in their apartment, but he didn't mind that much. The longer Santana was around, the more he realized that he knew how to deal with her. She was a good friend. And she was smart about people. Plus, Kurt knew, it would be difficult to go back to paying half the rent when he was so used to paying a third of the rent, and he really didn't want another stranger moving in with them. Santana could stay.
"But!" Rachel threw a hand out. "I'm gonna use the pity card just for a second, since I'm the one who is heartbroken and going through a break up and finding out that my boyfriend was some weirdo man whore. I'm gonna get to pick the movie tonight, okay?" She stood up and walked to the bookshelf where some of their DVDs were stored. "And I think we should pick the best guilty pleasure movie musical ever..."
She turned around with Mamma Mia! in her hands.
It ended up being more of a sing-and-dance-along than a regular movie night. Kurt, Rachel, and Santana danced and sang to nearly every song, making up simple choreography to some of the group numbers and goofing off with hula hoops and anything else they could think of to use as a prop. By the end of the movie, Kurt felt happy and hopeful for the future. Despite the upheaval in their lives over the past few months, they had each other and they were starting to settle into the New York life they had always dreamed of.
"I think," Santana laughed as she collapsed onto the couch and Rachel turned off the television, "I might be missing New Directions a tiny bit right now."
Kurt looked at Rachel, and he could see that she agreed. But, before he could say anything, Santana pointed at the empty space between Kurt's and Rachel's bedrooms.
"You do know that we're going to spend this weekend making me a proper bedroom, right?" she told Kurt and Rachel. "'Cause my back can't take much more of this couch."
They all laughed and went their separate ways to get ready for bed. As Kurt pulled the curtain that served as the boundary to his bedroom closed, he caught sight of Rachel through a little gap in her curtain. She looked peaceful, curled up in bed with Colin's arm wrapped securely around her.
This is such an enjoyable episode! Not much going on in terms of advancing the overall plot, but the music is amazing and the guilty pleasures theme was executed wonderfully! (Seriously, can Blaine and Sam just run New Directions all the time?) Plus, could Sam be ANY sweeter? The Sam/Blaine dynamic this season is just the BEST.
And, despite the fact that they don't interact at all, I think this is an interesting episode for Klaine. To some extent, both of their individual storylines in this episode are about their relationship (or current lack thereof!). They miss each other. Kurt's dealing with the loneliness by sleeping with Bruce the boyfriend pillow at night and Blaine's dealing with the loneliness by projecting his feelings onto Sam. At this point, Kurt and Blaine just need to start talking again and get reacquainted... :)
Up next... 4x18: Shooting Star.