Chapter 8: Conflicted Feelings

Of course, I dreaded meeting back with Star. She wouldn't be the kind to just up and kill me, no, especially not with Marco around. But I knew, for sure, it'd be hell.

The car moved through the portal into Marco's room, flaming chariot, flaming skeletal horse and all burning up the wood floor, leaving pitch-black scorch marks in its wake. I'd forgotten that he wanted it parked in the driveway, but honestly, I was under too much stress over what could happen if she was there.

I swung around the back of the car after getting out to open the door for him, and I took his hand with a nod of the head as he stepped out.

"Back so soon, guys?" And just as I feared, Star had entered through the door and was standing before the coach, arms crossed behind her back, bobbing every now and then. And although she smiled brightly, it seemed so dark when her eyes moved to me.

"Actually, um, Star…" Marco went in front of me, a bright smile of his own on his face. "I'm staying at Tom's place tonight! So I came here to get some clothes and stuff. So…" He looked between her and I. "Yeah. I'd better do that."

As he was about to leave, Star smiled a genuine smile, one that looked bright, even when she was looking at me. "So Marco~ you had fun?"

"Actually, yeah! I mean, the Underworld's a lot different than I imagined it'd be! – Hell? The Underworld? Tartarus?" He looked back at me. "Is there a right way to say it?"

"Well, no. It just depends on the area. On Earth, I mean. We usually just call it Hell." I shrugged, still wary of Star, though she seemed like she was honestly interested in Marco's night.

"But it was nice, yeah. It's not all inhospitable like I thought, y'know? Some of it's really nice! So he showed me around a park a little bit, we had dinner… It was nice."

I was quietly grateful that he didn't mention him meeting my parents. But, that was quickly dashed. "So, where are you gonna stay, then?"

"Um… well, I'm gonna stay at Tom's place. He was gonna go show me around the neighborhood tomorrow. So…"

She looked over at me with defensive eyes. "Tom's place? You mean the castle?"

"Um…" Marco didn't seem to see anything wrong with her expression. It was probably guised under cheeriness and rainbows looking at him, as she's so good at doing. "It was more of a mansion, but yeah. I guess."

"Did you… tell your mom and dad?"

"No, I didn't." He admitted swiftly. "I was gonna do that before I left. Staying over someplace else isn't that big of a deal to them."

She nodded, and her expression now cooled. For the time being, it looked like she was just genuinely concerned for Marco, rather than spiteful to me. "Did you get to meet Tom's parents?"

"Yeah, yeah I did. Tom wanted me to meet them because I'd be staying over, so… But they're really nice people! They seem pretty cool. His mom's a little… um… strict, but I'm okay with that." He shrugged.

I grimaced, ashamed at his dedication to lie for me, just in order to make my mother seem a little nicer to Star.

"So, um… I gotta go get my stuff ready." He shied away from the two of us, waved goodbye, and quickly scuttled off to his room.

I hardly wanted to look over at Star as we were left alone in the room, and when I did, her gaze was everything I never wanted it to be. She looked suspicious, seething, and cold, her bouncy expression now a tap of the foot and a drum of the fingers, eyes once opened up brightly now like daggers. "Well what do you know, Tom? You pulled out all the tricks in just a few hours."

I rolled my eyes. "What are you talking about?"

"You let me have two months before I met your parents. But you give Marco only what? Three, four hours? How quickly do you wanna just… wrap him around your little finger?!"

I grit my teeth, trying not to let her get to me. "Star, that is not what I'm trying to do! At all. I wanted him to stay over because I saw he liked the way the place was, so I wanted to show him more of it. And honestly, if he was gonna stay at my place, of course he'd meet my mom and dad! What did you think was gonna happen?"

"Well forgive me for trying to look out for Marco's wellbeing! I know how little you and your mom get along. It could only be a matter of time till he puts you over the edge. Or just… anything in general."

"Nothing will, Star! Nothing's gonna put me 'over the edge'! That's why I've been trying so, so hard to make everything right after I left you!" I looked down. "I never want to hurt him – him or anyone – the way I hurt you. I'm…" I sighed. "I'm sorry for what I did to you, okay? I… Nothing can ever change what happened, or how much of it was my fault. All I could've done is… is isolate myself for six months thereafter in an institution, get a therapy human and therapy bunny, and try to work myself out for the best, and… and I wanna do that, not just to make it up to you, or to be a good example and – maybe, later on – a good boyfriend to Marco, but I wanna do this for me, Star. You see that look you're giving me? It's motivating me to do my best and be better, so go on. Keep glaring." But I was lying. It wasn't motivating me at all. I hoped that putting up a false confidence would turn my doubts into real confidence, but so far, it wasn't working well at all.

She crossed her arms. "You haven't made enough progress for me to feel safe giving Marco over to you. You've only been doing anger management for six months! Six months, Tom! It took you only two of those to fall in love with me, then turn around and ruin me all the same! How can I trust you've gotten any better in such a puny amount of time?!"

My ears went back, and I growled. "You just can't trust anything when it comes to me. That's just how you are." I balled up my fist, literally starting to see red.

"See, exactly! And what happens when Marco says something that upsets you, and you lose your cool?! He isn't used to your temper; he could say anything he wants and you'll make it into something worse. I really still don't trust that Marco's gonna be okay in your hands, and you're really not doing anything to convince me."

I rubbed my temples. "That's because nothing ever will, Star! You're… Jeez, you're impossible!"

"It's not that, Tom. Just look at you! You're proving my point yourself."

"Star –"

"And then the moment's gonna come where something's just ticking you off, and that'll be the one moment Marco says something, and then –"

My breath rose to a hitch, every vein in my body flowing through it now with boiling, black blood just screaming at her to "STOP IT!" My hair caught aflame, teeth grit, my vision beginning to haze at the edges. I had to keep myself under control. I had to. Every fiber of my being just wanted to punch her, tear her apart, get even. I was losing it, losing it badly.

I took a deep breath, walked around in circles, hands on my then-fiery head, then through my hair as it returned to normal, feeling myself coming back together, however much seething and upset. I took another deep breath, trying to shake the anger off, the bloodlust, the want of devastation. I looked up at her slowly. "You happy now? Is-Is that what your plan was all along? Just… trying to get me out of control, lose my mind? Just for what? Just to prove the point that yes, when I'm angry, I lose control? Then, yes, there's… there's your answer." By then, she'd been looking at me apprehensively, wand slightly raised. So yes, that must've been what she'd wanted out of me.

She wanted my six months of progress gone to waste. And honestly, I felt ashamed. In that moment, all I'd wanted was the worst for her. I wanted to horrify her, scar her – physically and even mentally, take your pick – even maim her, kill her maybe. I wanted all those things done to her, and I wanted to do it myself, my own hands, would-be claws – had things gone worse – digging into her. I wanted blood on my hands – her blood on my hands. What kind of… What kind of monster wants that?

After a few moments' silence, Marco remerged from his bedroom, carrying a clothes bag filled with his stuff. "Um…" He rubbed his shoulder, breaking up the tension between Star and I. At least, for now. "You guys okay?"

"Yeah." I nodded, did my best smile, tried to sweep the thoughts of once-murder under the rug, though it just came back with a vengeance and pricked at the edges of my mind. "We're fine. You grabbed your toothbrush and everything?"

Looking at his face, his bright, beautiful autumn eyes, his full complexion… What if, in my most unstable moments, I wanted that of him…? What if I looked at him with eyes I couldn't control, and with thoughts I couldn't control, wished death on him? Wished… brutal murder by my own hands? And I'd carry it out, too, if I was at that uncontrollable point. I know I would. "Oh! No, I didn't do that. Crap!" He went off to the bathroom, leaving the three of us alone again. Star, myself, and these fucking thoughts of mine.

"Y'know, with the amount of apprehension you have towards me, I'm just… just surprised you even went to the Blood Moon Ball with me."

"That's because it was about me then. I went to the ball with you, and if you would've done something stupid, I have this to deal with you." She twirled her wand in her hand triumphantly. "Marco, on the other hand… He's pretty helpless. Besides the whole karate thing, but it wouldn't be a match for your broiling skin."

I looked down, ashamed. The temperature my skin can reach… it's like touching your skin to an eternally-hot iron. Let's go with that. And when I go berserk, I grab, I kick, I slash. All of that is my skin contacting someone else's. Even people I've just pushed aside in the past have been left with irreversible burns and discolored scars that were the end result. Just one second of Marco touching my hand like that could burn his own hand. After all, he's just a human, and their skin is so, so weak and fragile. I couldn't imagine how horrible it would be if the fire of my skin and hair wreaked havoc on him. And yet, in all this line of thought, the worst thing of all was that I could. I could imagine me ravaging his body with burns, lacerations, worse…

Marco soon returned, beaming. "Okay, now I should be ready." His giddy voice broke me instantly from my thoughts. He slipped his bag onto his shoulder and held my hand. "You good to go?"

I sighed, tried to shake off Star's words – and, more importantly, my thoughts – off my shoulders, then did my best to make my smile believable. "Yeah. I'm good to go."

I took his hand to lead him to the car, but he tugged on it. "But… not yet; you still haven't met my mom and dad!" He smiled brightly. "I really wanted them to meet you."

Now, normally I'd be all enthusiastic about it, but by then – with that argument Star and I had back there – I wasn't feeling too hot. But they were his parents, probably nice people too, and I couldn't just… not meet them. They'd be the ones to give Marco permission to stay at my house in the first place.

He set his bag down on the counter before the stairs, then took my hand and led me downstairs. "I already told my dad about you earlier today. It's actually… kinda how I came out to him…" He murmured. "But he was totally cool with it all too! And, when we went to leave, I saw him with my mom waving goodbye, so I'm guessing he told her, or she figured it out or something? But either way, she's probably cool with it all."

My smile wavered. So I was the reason he was able to tell his parents he was queer? I was the first boy he dated? And with all I was capable of doing to him… "O-Oh… I'm glad I was able to help…"

"I am too! So, I already told my dad you're a demon whose name is Tom. I didn't say exactly where I met you, and what the circumstances were. I figured it was best to just let that sleeping dog lie, y'know?"

"Yeah… I guess so." I nudged his arm, a sly grin on my face. "Won't tell them that I dipped you and kissed you on the lips like in the movies, right?" And immediately after saying that, I deflated. It was a mistake asking him out and thinking my anger wouldn't have to be something to factor into all of this.

He flushed as we stepped into the downstairs, the thick smell of salsa in the air. "No, we don't." His mother and father had their arms wrapped around each-other, sitting on the couch by the TV, eating salsa and chips, his mother's head on his father's shoulder. It was kinda sweet, seeing that his parents still felt so strongly about each-other. "Um… Mom? Dad?" Marco asked in a nervous tone, squeezing my hand for support.

His father paused the TV, then looked over at him with a smile. "Hijo! You came to watch Grey's Anatomy with us?"

"Uh, no… I'm actually on my way out, but… before I go, I wanted to introduce you guys to my boyfriend, Tom."

Boyfriend…?! Did he not know how these things worked?! I really did get the impression this was the first time he's ever dated… anyone at all, only using terminology from rosy-eyed and unrealistic romance movies. Just because we were dating didn't make us boyfriends…! Not yet, anyway. After being thrown off by his… description of me for a moment, I recollected myself and gave a small bow. "Pleased to meet you both."

His father got up and shook my hand heartily, patted me on the back with a smile and a laugh. "You're Tom, then. I saw you only a little bit when you took Marco in your fancy chariot. I hope you've been being nice to him." He said sternly, then laughed again. "I'm joking! I'm joking! I know you have been! Anyway, this is Marco's mother, my wife. She didn't see much of you, but she was certainly happy to hear about you!"

I nodded and shook her hand. "Pleased to meet you."

She returned with a "Pleased to meet you too!"

"So… um, yeah. I just wanted you to meet Tom before we left, so… I hope you guys liked him, y'know?"

"He seems like a nice guy." His dad said. "Very polite and formal."

"And helpful!" Marco added in, but didn't elaborate on what he meant. I'm guessing it's when I helped him when he was crying. "So, we're gonna go back upstairs so I can get my things. I'm staying over at his house for tonight; is that okay?"

His dad looked to his mom, and she nodded. He nodded back to us as well. "Just make sure your food isn't burnt!" He nudged my arm. I still don't know what that meant.

Marco laughed and nodded. "I will, Dad." He went over to them and hugged them both. "I love you guys." And returned to my side, taking my hand again. "Let's go, Tom."

Before we returned upstairs, my mind was already racing. Boyfriend, he'd said. Boyfriend, really? I took him aside into the kitchen. "Marco, y'know… doesn't this feel like it's been just a tad rushed? I've only known you the span of one-two-three – four hours – and already I've met your parents, and you're staying over at my place? It seems just a little… little ridiculous, don't you think?"

Marco rolled his eyes. "Look, obviously I'm not the best judge about pacing in a relationship; I've never been in one myself, y'know?" He gave a deep sigh, eyes scanning the ground for some sort of thought to latch onto. "I just thought it's because things were going nicely between us. Sure, we got off on a bad foot and all that, but…" He didn't seem to know where to go with all this. "Maybe you're right. But, like… I already told my mom and dad I was gonna stay at your place – and… you seemed pretty happy about letting me stay over yourself. I just wanted to stay over for a change of pace, y'know? Just to make it a little different from the life I live up here. So we went down to your place for dinner, and you got all excited about showing me your garden that your dad made, and it all just kinda… tumbled into this."

"We don't… have to do this if you don't want to." I offered, and honestly, with Star's words having filled me to the brim, I was hoping very dearly that he would acquiesce.

"No, no… it's okay. I kinda… like this, y'know? It's like an adventure; I like your place; I like Hell, and that's not weird to say at all. I like spending time with you, and… away from all this for a change."

I tried my best smile and nodded, though it really wasn't the answer I wanted to hear. We returned upstairs to the car with Brian, and, regrettably, Star. I quickly led him into the car, not daring to look back to Star to see her expression. Lord knows I wouldn't need it, with how much doubt was already piling up in me because of her.

Brian started up the car, and Marco waved goodbye to her as the dull thuds of the Diaz family wood floor soon became the hard clacks of the cobblestones of Hell. Marco had been going off on a topic for some time; it was something about the archeological structuring of the buildings, and that it fascinated him. I had to admit, I hardly listened to him; I was lost in my own thought, in the possibility that Star… was right. So quickly had I just… sprung to snapping at her when she bothered me. What if the same thing happened to Marco? What if he just… rambled on a little too long and it pissed me off enough that I'd lose control? I didn't even know my limits. I didn't know when I'd just be irritated, when I'd be angry, or when it'd all just go down in flames and I'd lose any semblance of myself. I didn't know when I'd transition from my annoying, but slightly-less dangerous regular anger to that anger that could get people killed. I honestly could be the reason Marco would be seriously hurt… or worse.

Having been caught up in these thoughts for some time, Marco touched my shoulder. I guess he was done talking about rocks by then. I looked up at him, having been snapped back to a general reality, rather than a rhetoric. "Tom… you okay? I think you zoned out on me for a little bit."

"I did not. …You were talking very… very passionately about rocks, right?"

He gave a disappointed look. "Not just rocks. About the building structures and everything – you really weren't paying attention, were you?"

I sighed, still feeling extremely out of it. What if Star really… was right? I couldn't get that thought out of my head, let the insecurity go. As I looked up at his face, all I could see was this bright, smiling, beautiful guy next to me, and next to him was a demon that could tear that all down. I couldn't bring myself to give him that possibility. "I… Not really, no." I gave a weak smile, an even weaker laugh.

His eyebrows furrowed, and he rubbed my shoulder to try and reassure me. "You didn't answer me if you were okay or not… That was… kinda the important part."

I looked over at his bright eyes, concerned and hopeful, and I couldn't bear to disappoint him. But… I couldn't ever run the risk of hurting him, especially when I'm not even that far into my anger management; I haven't accomplished enough for anyone to be safe being so close to me. I sighed. "No… not really. Brian, can you stop the car? I need to… kinda… talk to Marco in private."

The car stopped, and Brian, although confused, stepped out of the coach. "Do you want me to drop off Scamp here with you?"

I shook my head, waved my hand, not bothering to say a word as Brian walked away. I knew he wouldn't be far; he's legally supposed to be within a close distance of me to keep watch over me. And by then, Marco's expression of concern had a few noticeable hints of fear. "Tom…?"

"Marco…" I started, not able to bring myself to look up at him. "I…" I sighed. "I can't… let this go on."

Even without looking up, I could see his breath hitch, his heart stop. "W…What…?" He asked in a voice almost lost. "I don't understand…"

I felt his hand on my shoulder and I quickly shrugged it away, squeezing my eyes shut. "Look, Marco… I've told you by now what kind of a risk I run just… just by being alive and kicking. I have an anger in me with the potential to kill. And-And don't say that can happen to anyone when they're angry – it's not the same and you know it. I'm more powerful, and I literally have no idea what I'm doing or what I'm capable of. And I… I can't risk that hurting you. I can't."

"When did this… come up?" I heard him whimpering from behind me. "I-I'd told you that it's okay, Tom; I didn't mind…"

"I know… I know. I'm… grateful that you have faith in me, but… I've been thinking about it and, no matter how much faith you have in me or I have in myself, there's… just a point where I don't know. Everything might be good – hell, years from now everything could be good – and then someone like – god forbid – mugs me or something, and I'll just…" I sighed. "Even if… we end up so well together… long-shot, that we end up together for a long time – and I don't wanna dwell on that since, well, Star was right; we've only been together a few hours now – even if things go perfectly and you get so close to me, some other… thing could just come in and bring out the worst in me. And I could take it out on you, and…" Another sigh.

A beat of silence fell between us, one that stretched the minutes into hours, coiled it up into just a few seconds. Marco's voice returned to him in a weak tone. "This is all… This is all maybes. They're all ifs… What if this never happens?"

His shattered voice shattered a part of me inside. I pinched the bridge of my nose, shook my head. He just didn't get it. "Counterpoint: it could happen tomorrow. It could happen in the next ten minutes if something in this conversation goes sour. I don't know! And that's the fucking thing! I don't know. It could be now, tomorrow, sometime next week, next month, next year; I don't know! It could happen never, who knows! But it's that not knowing that… that's making me do this." I looked down. "Marco, even if I'm wrong, even if nothing bad would ever come to you… I can't… I can't risk it. I can't risk your life. If things happen to go good between us now – or would have, had this conversation just… never happened – you would be around me a lot. It's just… just a given. We'd be together, we'd wanna do things, go to the mall, the fair, the carnival – all that jazz. And that sort of thing, just… just moving around in public with me… it leads to all sorts of risks. Somebody could try to hurt you. Someone could try to hurt me. And then I'd go into this frenzy, and you know who'd be in the blast zone?" I swallowed down the lump in my throat as I looked up at him. Already, lines on his cheeks were shimmering from his tears and the lamplight outside to reflect on it. His lips quavered, and he sniffled, his body tense, teeth clenched. My words alone were ripping him to pieces. I let out a deep breath, and out with it came all the strength in my body, looking at him now with pathetic eyes. "It'd be you, Marco. And I-I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I ever hurt you."

He gave a small whimper, another tear falling down his eye, but he didn't sob. Instead, he just… looked at me, searched my face for any semblance of me wavering. "Tom…" Was all he could manage.

"Look. It's been fun. It… It really has. You're a really funny, really sweet, and cute guy, but…" I gave another sigh, another sigh that scattered every fiber of my strength out to the wind. "Things were going good, and… that's a concerning thing, because… if it went too far, things could've gotten… instantly more dangerous for you." I looked down again, shifted my body slightly, just to ease the pain of looking at him, who himself looked filled to bursting with anguish. "…I'm taking you home."

"Tom…!"

"I'm sorry I made you pack your clothes for nothing, but I'm taking you home." I said sternly.

He looked down, then around frantically, looking to somewhere for some sort of help, finding absolutely nothing. "T-Tom… God… um…" One of his hands gripped into his hair, his breathing heavy. "Can't… Can't we talk about this? Where this all…" A few erratic pants. "All came from just… so-so suddenly…?!" He waved his arms around. "Can we just like… not just skim around the fact that this came, like… out-of-the-blue, so suddenly I can't even comprehend half of this? Like… is this really happening?! Like right now? Is this real…?! This could just be me, though… and it's not like… a you-thing. I think I'm panicking a little bit…"

It was pathetic that shame kept me from helping him. He, who was having a potential panic attack. I didn't even reach out an arm. I just looked at the whole scene with a vaguely-concerned look. It was a little luck of his own that he was able to calm down. He took a few more breaths, each getting longer than the previous one, and eventually he released the grip from his hair. Instead, he moved his hands now to hug himself, shutting his eyes and giving several shaky breaths. The air turned stagnant for a little while, only disrupted by Marco's thick breathing, breaking up the heavy air for a short bit before it smothered us again.

After it permeated with the salt of his tears, he finally opened his eyes, looking down. "There… There really is nothing I can do to convince you, is there…" I didn't say anything then, either. I wasn't even sure he was asking a question outside of rhetoric.

I watched for Brian, signaled for him to return to the coach. I turned away from Marco completely then, focused my eyes out the window, feeling hollow. "Just take us back to his home, Brian."

Brian soon returned, a disappointed look on his face. "Yessir…" He replied, melancholy. He started up the coach, snapped down the reigns, and soon the fiery portal lead us right back into Marco's room, over the exact spot we charred last time.

Marco himself opened the door, stepped out slowly, his things in hand. His body was low, one arm to his shoulder. He looked back at me with a broken expression, heart sunk.

I took a breath. "So… I guess this is… goodbye."

"Yeah…" He murmured. "Guess so." He looked up at me with eyes beginning to wet with tears. "…Goodbye, Tom."

I grimaced, but nodded, and slowly closed the door. I motioned to Brian, who started back up the car. The surroundings changed from the Diaz's humble home, back to the grandiose dark of Hell. The car clopped through the sturdy stonework to the gates of the mansion. I felt my face heat up, and I whimpered, letting the tears fall from my face.

"Goodbye, Marco."