Ch. 5: In the eyes of a child
I was in the dojo, trying to prepare my mind for my daily meditation. Normally I am very focused and alert, but today is just one of those days. My sons recently passed their sixth mutation day and it has been very difficult to keep up with them. I never realized how much work raising children was, especially mutant children. Sometimes I think that their mutant form has given them even more energy than normal toddlers. My eyes opened as I completely lost my focus. My gaze fell to the framed portrait in the cabinet. I could feel my chest tightening in pain. I stood, lifting the frame gently from its place on the shelf, I brushed my fingers over the image, lingering for a moment on my beloved Tang Shen and my baby daughter, Miwa.
"You miss them don't you?" A little voice said from behind me.
On any other day I would have sensed his presence, I would have heard him enter the room, but as I said, today was just one of those days. I jumped, whirled around and reprimanded him immediately, my voice coming out much louder and harsher than I had originally intended. "Raphael! How many times have I told you not to interrupt my meditation time?"
My red-masked son cringed, small tears forming in his eyes. My face softened and I bent down so that I could be at his eye-level. "S-Sensei?"
"Yes, my son?" I prompted, waiting for Raphael to say what he wanted to say. I no longer blamed him for interrupting my meditation. I hadn't been successful anyway. I was now convinced that whatever the reason for Raphael's presence it must be important. Raphael understood just as well as the others that Sensei's meditation time was not to be disturbed.
The little emerald green turtle twirled his bandana tails nervously out of habit, as I had seen him do only once or twice before when something made him uncomfortable. "C-can I see it?" he said gesturing at the picture in my hand.
"Be very careful, my son." And he was. His little hands gripped the frame gently and he stared into the picture for a moment before speaking again.
"Father, are they…" his voice faded away.
"Are they what, my son?"
"Are they….dead?"
My eyes widened and I stared at him contemplatively for a moment before answering. "Yes, Raphael. They are dead."
"Father?"
"Yes, my son?" bright green eyes stared up at me, sparkling with curiosity and innocence. He held the painting up at me and I took it gently from his hands.
"What is death?" Silence filled the room and I stood, turning my back to him as I returned the picture lovingly to its place on the shelf. Raphael went on haltingly, "Leo says that it's the end, a point of no return. He says that it's like the end of a video game, except that when someone dies for real they can never use extra lives to return again."
"Leonardo is still young, as are you, Raphael. That may be what your brother has chosen to believe, but that does not mean that you will interpret it in the same fashion." The little green eyes looked up into mine, Raphael's head canted in confusion. I went on. "Not everyone sees death as an end, my son. Some choose to see it as a beginning."
Raphael looked even more confused than before. "But Sensei, if it's an end then how can it be a beginning?"
"It is very difficult to explain, my son and even more difficult to understand, especially at your age. One day, when you're much older you will understand." I put a hand on his head. He still looked confused, but he nodded and I could see the vast sea of emotion swirling in his eyes. Raphael is by far the most emotional of the four of them.
"Father?"
"Yes, Raphael?"
"Do you think that if—never mind."
"No, go ahead, my son. You know you can ask me anything." Again his eyes met mine, searching my face for reassurance. I bent down and put a hand on his shoulder.
Raphael locked gazes with me as he whispered. "You said that the outside world will never understand us. That they won't accept us?"
"Yes."
"Well…do you think that if Mother were here…do you think she'd accept us?"
I looked into my second son's beautiful bright green eyes and saw them water, just a little. All of my sons have been affected by their inability to be a part of the human world. Raphael especially. His little heart has always longed for acceptance. The little turtle's inability to belong has also given him a slight inferiority complex. He attempts to look tough because he doesn't want anyone to see the side that he has deemed weak. I could see practically every emotion known to man…or mutant in those little green eyes. I gave him a small smile and put my arms around him, pulling him into my chest. For once my temperamental son accepted the hug readily and without hesitation and I savored the moment. I pulled away slightly so that I could see his face. "She would love you very much, Raphael."
"Really?"
"Yes." The little red banded turtle buried his face in my shoulder and I chuckled, sweeping the six-year old up into my arms. Raphael clasped his hands behind my head and snuggled into my neck with a smile on his face.
I'm going to miss this when they get older…
Raphael lay plastron up on a rooftop staring up at the stars. New York was quiet tonight, and Casey had gone on a date with April. In short, not much left to do but enjoy the night. The air was cool and crisp. The red-masked turtle had been laying here for quite a while now, thinking about that talk in the dojo with Master Splinter when he was six. He carefully remembered what Sensei'd said and contemplated his father's words. Finally, after a couple hours of thinking, he'd finally had a breakthrough. I think…I understand.
All eyes flew to the door of the lair as my brothers and I cleaned up the empty pizza boxes from dinner a couple hours earlier. I watched Raph come in, and raised an eye-ridge. He looked focused. Had he been…meditating? Perish the thought. My immediate younger brother stared at Master Splinter, who was seated on the couch, eating a cheesicle. "Father."
Don, Mikey and I looked at each other nervously. Raph hadn't called Sensei Father in ages.
"Yes, Raphael?"
"Can I talk to you?" Raph glanced at us "In private?"
Master Splinter finished the last bit of his cheesicle and put the stick down on the table, "Of course my son." He moved towards the dojo, and Raphael trailed close behind.
The three of us looked at each other again, before running silently to the dojo, crowding around the door so that we could hear. I knew that we really shouldn't be doing it, of course, but Raph's never done anything like this before. And I had to admit, my curiosity was peaked.
"What is it, my son? You seem rather calm today. Is there something wrong?"
"No Sensei, I just—do you remember ten years ago we had that talk about death?"
Splinter looked down at his son for a moment, one eyebrow raised and a hand stoking his beard as he slowly nodded.
"Well, you told me that someday, when I was older, that I'd understand. Well, I think I finally do."
"Oh?"
"Hai, Sensei. Death isn't only an end. It can also be a beginning, but also a gate to eternity. By remembering what we've lost we become aware of all the lives that have been touched by the individual. Remembrance is a legacy that the dead leave behind in the lives of the living. People move on, things may change, but the dead will never truly die as long as they have made their mark on the lives of others. Everyone dies, and everyone leaves their own mark the world. Death isn't an end. It's a new beginning. You never know what you have until its gone, that's how the saying goes. Once someone is gone, their loved ones see life in a whole different light. Death doesn't only end life, it creates it. It's the way things are."
The rat looked down into his son's bright, green eyes and nodded. "I see you have formed your own belief."
"Hai Sensei."
The three of us watched through the crack in the dojo doors, practically sitting on top of each other. I listened to the discussion with fascination. And I'd thought Raph's revelation on our purpose had been deep… Wow. This was taking it to a whole new level. Raphael began heading for the doors and I was about to tell Donnie and Mikey to move when the emerald-green turtle turned back to Sensei.
"Father?"
"Yes my son?" I heard Master Splinter answer. I strained my ear.
"I think she'd be proud of you, for everything that you've done for us."
For a split second I swear I saw a tear sliding down Master Splinter's cheek. The human-turned-rat pulled my younger brother into his arms, tucking Raphael's chin beneath his head. "Your mother would be so proud of you all, my son."