Ch. 6-I need you
Leo and I have always been close. Let's just say that we understand each other, and despite what some people might think, I don't hate his guts. Even if I am sorely tempted to beat the crud out of him sometimes. But that doesn't mean we're not close. Quite the contrary: when we were little, we were best friends, even closer than Donnie and Mikey, and they do everything together, even now. Leo and I formed a bond all those years ago, that despite everything that's happened has never truly disappeared. Even if it has become a little strained, okay, if I'm being honest with myself, really strained. I can still remember all those years ago when we claimed we'd be best friends forever…But that was eight years ago, and now...
It was a normal day at the lair. Training was finished and the turtles were lounging about in the lair. April and Casey w ere coming down to hang with the guys a bit before evening patrol. Mikey was playing video games and Donnie was doing something-or-other in his lab. Raph was stretched out on the couch with his face in a comic and Leo was leaning up against one of the arcade machines polishing his katanas when the human arrived. The blue masked turtle glanced over at the dark-haired teenager and waved before continuing with his polishing. The purple clad turtle appeared in a flash and began telling April about his latest invention.
Raphael jumped up and over the couch. Casey rushed to meet him and the two best buds fist bumped. Casey Jones decided that he wanted to wrestle and he immediately tacked the stocky turtle to the ground, which is a feat in itself considering how much all that shell weighed, not to mention the extra muscle. The human may have begun the wrestling match, but within thirty seconds the turtle had pinned him to the ground. "Stop it you idiot. I didn't call ya here to wrestle."
"I don't think you called him here at all Raph."
"Shut up Mikey." The orange-clad turtle threw up his hands in surrender and turned back to the video game.
The human teenager strolled over to Raph and leanded an elbow on his shoulder with interest. "So, what did you have planned?"
"I hope it isn't anything that'll involve you two coming back at two in the morning and needing extensive bandages." April said, crossing her arms over her chest dramatically.
"Nuh-uh." Raph said emphatically. "Today I'm teaching you," he pointed at his human friend, "how to play tig." All the turtles turned their eyes towards their brother and silence filled the air as Raphael dragged Casey Jones out towards the sewer tunnels.
It wasn't until after both of them had gone that April looked from Donnie to Mikey, who both had their jaws dropped with gob smacked looks on their faces. "Uh, guys?"
The two turtles closed their mouths, still looking a little bit shell-shocked. Feeling like she wasn't getting anywhere with the younger brothers the red head turned to Leonardo and asked. "What is tig?"
Leo's eyes narrowed and he sheathed his swords, even though he still hadn't finished polishing them and walked past them, completely ignoring April's question as he disappeared into the dojo. The human teenager watched as the younger turtles' eyes followed their older brother as he left. "Guys…what is tig?" She repeated, a little more quietly this time.
The youngest stood up from his spot on the floor, staring at her with a sad flare in his usually bright blue eyes. "Tig was a game that Raph and Leo used to play when they were younger. They made it up themselves. Even we didn't know how to play it. They used to say that we couldn't learn how to play it because it was their special game and no one else was allowed to learn it but them. Seems that Raph's changed that rule. It was Raph and Leo's favorite thing to do before…" The orange clad turtle rubbed the back of his neck nervously.
"Before what?"
"You see, when we were little, Raph and Leo used to be really close. Even closer than me and D—" Mikey paused and she could tell that he was getting slightly uncomfortable. He looked at Donatello who finished for him.
"When we turned eight years old, Raph and Leo split up. They just stopped being best friends. We…don't really know what happened, but it must have been a fight of some kind. After that, things changed. Raph became more temperamental. I mean, he'd always had a temper, but after he and Leo stopped being friends he became volatile, and his outbursts were more frequent. Since then the two of them have always fought like cats and dogs. They're still friends and all, but nothing like what they used to be."
April frowned and stared at the dojo doors where the blue clad turtle had disappeared and silence spread between them, as the brothers followed her gaze. Leo…
Later that night after patrol, Raph stopped by the dojo. April, Casey, Donny and Mikey had gone to get the pizza for tonight's movie night. And Leo was still in the dojo training. Raph frowned. He had gone into the dojo and interrupted Leo's meditation, which of course had earned him an angry retort, a curse and a glare. That's it. Raphael Hamato had taken all that he was going to take. For eight years he'd been continuously dismissed and ignored by his older brother and he had finally had enough.
"Sometimes I wonder why I bother." Raph said softly with fire burning in his bright green eyes. "It's always me isn't it? Even when I'm only trying to help you, it's my fault that you're not good enough. I'm the one holding everyone back."
"Don't start this again, Raphael." Leonardo growled warningly.
"I'm not." The red-masked turtle stated, with a level-headedness that made Leo do a doublt-take. Raph backing down from a fight? Something's up. "I'm finishing it." The blue-clad turtle turned around and stared at his younger brother. There was something in the stoic expression on Raphael's face that made him even angrier. Raph's supposed to be angry one!
"You're always putting us at risk, getting us into trouble. Don't you realize that there are things in this world that are more important than you."
"Don't worry, Leo. After tonight, I won't be a problem anymore."
"Don't give me that crap Raph! You always say things like that, try and make me feel bad, claiming that you're going to leave, that you'd be better off without us! So just go! Go ahead and leave and see how much we care! We don't need you! We'll be just fine!" The anger burned inside the eldest turtle as he spoke. His deep blue eyes searched his brother's face for some kind of emotion, something. But instead the neon green eyes stared straight into his, completely unfazed, his face a mask of neutrality. When had Raph gotten so good at hiding his emotions?
"If that's what you want." He said, his voice level, betraying nothing as he contained the raging storm of emotion that was brewing deep inside of him. "Goodbye Leo." The red-banded turtle turned and left the dojo without looking back.
The eldest turtle took a couple deep breaths, calming slightly. He sat down and crossed his legs, trying to meditate. A few hours later and the turtle was still in the same position on the tatami mats. Three hours and the only thing he could think about was what he'd said to Raph. Guilt and regret ate away at his heart and he sighed.
I went too far tonight. Way too far. I thought back to that day, eight years ago. The day our friendship died…
It had been a long day of training. It was free time now and I knew that Raphael was probably looking for me, but I continued with my katas, knowing that my younger brother would find me eventually.
"Leo." Or now, I thought.
"What is it Raph?"
"Do you wanna go exploring with me?" the young emerald green turtle said excitedly.
"No, Raph, I'm practicing." I said, but it came out a little harsher than intended and Raph deflated, a short silence spreading between us before Raph spoke.
"Leo?"
"Yeah Raph?" I answered as I continued my kata.
"Did I do something wrong?" he whispered.
I stopped and canted my head at him. "What do you mean?"
"Well, every time I try and play with you, you tell me that you're busy, or you have something else to do…" I looked away from him, but he kept staring at me.
"Master Splinter says that the only way to become a great warrior is through practice and training. I don't have time for games, anymore Raph."
"We're still best friends, though, right?" I said nothing and his eyes widened. "Right?"
"I'm sorry, Raph." I said, keeping my gaze locked on the floor. "But becoming a great warrior is more important—"
I heard a choking sound and I looked up. My jaw dropped as I saw the sheer amount of pain and horror on my younger brother's face. "More important than your best friend, Leo? More important than your own brother?" I couldn't meet his gaze, so I stared at the floor beneath my feet. I flicked my gaze up just in time to see him close his eyes, small tears running down the side of his face. "Fine. I see how it is." And then he was gone.
That was the last time I had seen Raphael cry. He had cried that day, and never again. I felt bad that I'd hurt his feelings, but at the time, I thought it had been for the best. I'd never become a great warrior if I let myself get side-tracked. I never could have known how wrong I'd been. Without Raph's friendship I became so immersed in my training that I practically forgot about everything else. But now that I look back, even though I had technically ended our friendship, Raph had always been there for me.
Our constant fights would usually end with one of us storming off to their room and the other to the kitchen. Most of the time, I would head for the kitchen as soon as I realized I hadn't eaten all day because I'd been too busy training. I wonder, now, if Raph did that on purpose. He probably did. He always knew how I'd react to things, that's why he can always find a way to rile me up. All these years Raph has been my rock. And even after all the fights, and the curses that flew between us, that old pledge, the bond that we'd developed in our youth kept us connected. And he always came back, not matter how long the fight, or what kinds of horrible things we'd said to each other, we always reconciled.
But in the last few months, things have changed. I realized. I watched Raph and Casey fast-growing friendship and it bothered me. Especially in the beginning. I watched as my younger brother let down all the emotional walls he'd surrounded himself with after our friendship ended and for a moment, I saw the Raphael I used to know all those years ago. Today's episode with teaching Casey tig only confirmed what I already knew. Now that he had Casey, Raph didn't need me as a friend anymore. He'd abandoned me, just as I'd done to him eight years ago. I know that I deserve it. After the way I hurt my younger brother, I'm surprised he stayed as long as he did. But now that he has someone else to lean on, I'm beginning to wonder if he'll ever return.
No. No he won't. Not after what you said to him. A voice in the back of my head whispered. You told him you didn't need him, that you didn't want him. That was all the confirmation he needed. That was why he came in. He wanted to make sure he was doing the right thing before he left. He believed he wasn't needed. He was just looking for confirmation. And you gave it to him. Word for word.
No! I thought, No, it can't be true, Raph will come back, he always comes back!
Not this time. It answered
No! I jumped up off the dojo floor and tore out of the room, grabbing my Katanas on the way out. There was a heavy feeling in my heart as I ran into my brothers, April and Casey as they returned with the pizza. "Hey Leo. Where you going?" Casey asked. I tried to get around them frantically as they blocked the entrance.
Mikey canted his head at me, "What's up, bro? You look worried."
"It's Raph. 'S Raph." I started hyperventilating and Mikey looked towards Donnie nervously, "We-we had a fight. And he's-he's—" My voice trailed off.
Donnie returned Mikey's nervous glance. "He's what?"
"He's gone. He's gone." I choked out, my eyes tearing up slightly, "He's left and it's all my fault."
"Dude, chill, Leo. Raph's done this before, remember? He'll come back, don't worry about it. Just give him some time."
I shook my head from side to side emphatically, the tears stinging my eyes. "Not this time…not this time."
Michelangelo looked alarmed and filled with worry, "Why not?"
"Because I told him…I," sniff, "told him…"
"What did you tell him, Leo?" Donnie asked, his dark brown eyes narrowed in nervous apprehension.
"I told him…we didn't need him." I saw everyone's eyes widen and I lowered my gaze. "And that we wouldn't care if he left."
There was total silence for a few minutes, before I looked up again. The first thing I saw was Donatello looking down at me. "Leo," he began calmly, "HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT TO YOUR OWN BROTHER? YOU MEEN SO MUCH TO HIM! RAPH MIGHT GET MAD AND LOSE CONTROL OVER WHAT HE SAYS BUT HE WOULD NEVER SAY THAT! TO ANY OF US! HOW-HOW COULD YOU?" he screamed and I flinched.
April put a hand on Don's shoulder, "That's not important right now, Don. What matters is that we go out there and find him, for all we know he could have left the city by now."
"No." We all stared at Casey. "Raph may have left home, but he'd never leave New York. This place is his home. He can't survive anywhere but here."
"That's what I'm worried about." Donnie stated.
The dark-haired teenager sighed. "Look just give me a couple of hours, okay? I know where he is. I'll talk to him."
"You say you know where he is?" April asked.
"Yeah." The boy rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm his best friend, I kinda know how he thinks. Give me an hour or two to talk to him, I'll try and talk him around."
"No." All eyes flew to me. "I'm the one who started this fight. I have to be the one that resolves it."
"So that you can hurt him more? I don't think so, Leo. It's because of you that he ran off in the first place, something tells me he won't want to talk to you." Donnie asked with venom in his voice. "Why do you have to resolve the conflict? What difference does it make who started it? Why is it so important to you?"
"Because he was my best friend and I let him down. Because it's the same conflict that split us apart eight years ago!" My deep blue eyes flashed up to meet the braniac's, glowing in earnest.
"Fine." The genius stepped aside and allowed me to pass.
Iheaded for the entrance to the lair and Casey called after him. "You want me to tell you where he is?"
"No. He's my brother. And he was once my best friend too." I stated as I left the lair without looking back.
Once he was topside, Leonardo headed straight for the warehouse district, if there was anywhere his brother would flee to as a hideout, it had to be there. He surveyed the area, and his eyes landed on one of the warehouses, slightly smaller than the rest, easier to guard, with multiple escape options, yet still defendable. That had to be it. He stealthily crept to the door, and it opened with a slight squeak.
"What do ya want, Casey?" Raph's familiar voice traveled towards him through the darkness, but it sounded different now. It was filled with pain and sadness. The eldest turtle's heart sank with guilt, pain and regret.
"I'm not Casey."
The lights in the building flashed on and the blue clad turtle winced. "What do you want?" Raph growled dangerously.
"I just wanted to talk to you."
"I'm done talking, Leo. I found out all I need to know."
"No you didn't. You don't have to talk, but I need you to listen."
"Why should I?"
I stared at him for a moment, actually considering the question before answering slowly. "Because you're my brother. Because you've always stood by me, you've always been there for me and I've never done anything to deserve it. I have no right to ask you to hear me out, especially after everything I said, but…I just want you to know the truth. And I feel you have a right to know it. I'm going to tell you, whether you listen or not is your choice. I can't ask for anything more than that." Leo waited for something to happen. He waited for his brother to start cursing, or criticizing him, or heck, even just walk away. But Rapphael did nothing. He just stood there staring at the ground.
"You wanna talk, talk."
"Thank you." He grunted. And Leonardo began. "Raphael, eight years ago, I was scared. I-I thought that I wasn't good enough. I was afraid that if I didn't become a great warrior, then I wouldn't be able to take care of you, to watch out for you. I—didn't want to see you get hurt. I was afraid that if I allowed our friendship to take too much time away from my training that I wouldn't be able to protect you. It was stupid, I know. I can't tell you how many times I've wished we could go back to the way we were. You were the best friend in the world, Raphael." I whispered quieter, "You still are."
I looked up at him, and saw that he had taken a seat on the ground, his eyes closed as he listened, if he was listening, which I knew he was. "Raph, losing your friendship—breaking up our friendship was the worst mistake I ever made. And despite everything I said earlier, I need you. Without you, I just can't function. You've always been an anchor, a rock, you keep me sane, help me release all my frustration, and make sure that I take of myself. I don't know how I've never realized until now all of the things that you've been doing for me. I'm sorry I never noticed. If you do choose to leave, I just wanted to tell you, that you'll always be welcome, you don't have to huddle on the sidlines like an outcast. If you want independence I won't take it from you. Just promise me that you'll visit every once in a while. And if you ever need any help or anything, just call. I'll be there I promise. I'm won't let you down again. I swear it. I love you, little brother…Take care of yourself. And…you'll always be my best friend. No matter what." I turned to leave when a hand caught my shoulder. I turned back around and stared at my younger brother's face. He had tears in his eyes
"Leo…" When his eyes met mine and the tears burst, trailing down his cheeks with that single word. "Leo." My younger brother pulled me into a hug, which I immediately returned.
"Raph, I'm-"
"Don't Leo. Don't say it." He whispered as we stood there, hugging each other for the first time in eight years, not as brothers, but as best friends.