:(
(I do not own Glee or any of the characters, dialogue, or songs from the show. It's all just for fun!)
KURT
In the middle of the night, very early on a Thursday morning less than two weeks after Kurt and Blaine got engaged, Kurt was startled awake by the sound of his phone ringing. He reached toward his bedside table as his mind scrambled to wake up, and it wasn't until he saw the name on the glowing screen that he realized the tune was the ringtone he had designated for his father.
Kurt's heart lurched as he sat up, instantly fully awake. The time on his phone was almost three o'clock in the morning.
"Dad?" he whispered frantically as he answered the call, hyper-aware that Rachel and Santana were sleeping nearby.
"I'm okay, Kurt," Burt said immediately, his voice rough. The sliver of relief Kurt felt as he absorbed his father's short sentence – he wasn't going to lose his father today – was overwhelmed by a new, icy fear.
His father was okay, but something wasn't.
Kurt glanced around his bedroom, where everything was peaceful and shrouded in darkness, and the image of his surroundings seared itself into his mind as he struggled to remember how to speak. He felt strangely numb, like his body was preemptively shutting down.
"It's Finn," Burt explained why he was calling, his voice shaking with the pain of the sudden loss.
Finn was gone.
Kurt sat dazedly and listened as his father told him everything they knew. Finn was gone. Kurt sat in his bed and stared at nothing and tried to find a place in his mind to store the words his father was saying.
The funeral would be sometime during the weekend.
Burt and Carole would pay for his plane ticket home, but did Kurt think he could handle actually booking the flights? Yes.
Nobody else knew yet. Did Kurt want to tell Rachel? No.
Burt would call Rachel's dads after he hung up with Kurt and have them call her.
Did Kurt want to tell Blaine, or would he rather Burt call Mr. Schu and have the teacher tell everyone in New Directions when they arrived to school later that morning?
"I want to tell him," Kurt whispered his first full sentence of the conversation. He didn't want Blaine hearing about Finn's death from anyone but him. And he desperately wanted to hear Blaine's voice. To know for sure that Blaine was still there.
After a few final details and the most emotionally loaded exchange of "I love you"s Kurt had ever experienced, he said goodbye to his father so they could both reach out to other loved ones before the news started to spread out of their control.
Kurt dropped his phone into his lap and stared down at it. He felt as if someone had reached inside him and shut off his ability to feel anything but a dull, constant ache in his chest.
Finn was gone.
Kurt dialed Blaine's number and lifted the phone back to his ear.
Blaine's sleepy answer – "Kurt?" – threw Kurt's emotional switch from zero to as high as it could go, and Kurt was suddenly unable to speak through an intense lump in his throat and an abrupt, crushing flood of grief.
He heard Blaine clear this throat. "Kurt?" Blaine tried again. "Hello?"
"It's Finn," Kurt managed to whisper.
BLAINE
"Finn?" Blaine sat up in his bed, rubbing his face with his free hand. It sounded like Kurt.
After a few seconds of drowsy ignorance, the sudden realization of what "it's Finn" meant hit Blaine like a physical blow.
"He's not okay," Kurt predicted Blaine's question before he found his voice to ask it.
Blaine had never lost someone so close to him before. He was fortunate; he had his parents and his brother, and even all of his grandparents. He didn't know what to do to handle the choking grief that was racking his body, so he tried to focus on what he could do to help Kurt.
"I'm... Kurt, I'm so sorry," Blaine said, not sure what else to say.
"I love you," Kurt whispered.
"I love you so much," Blaine replied immediately, clutching his phone to his ear and wishing he was there. "Are you...?"
"Oh god," Kurt interrupted, his voice still hushed but suddenly frantic. "Rachel's phone is ringing. She's– she doesn't–"
"It's okay," Blaine reassured him. "Where are you?"
"In my room," Kurt explained.
"That's good," Blaine said, finding a degree of calm in the simple task of helping someone else. "That's fine. Her dads are going to tell her what's going on. Why don't you just stay there and keep talking to me for now, alright?"
"Right," Kurt agreed. "I'm going to turn on my light so she..." Blaine heard the sound of the lamp on Kurt's bedside table clicking to life. A signal to Rachel that Kurt was awake.
As they waited for whatever Rachel was going to do or say or need, Kurt told Blaine the details of what had happened. He was in the middle of a sentence about how he needed to get out of bed and find his laptop so he could book a flight home when he abruptly stopped talking and Blaine heard Rachel's sob of anguish as she threw herself into the bed with Kurt.
Blaine kept the phone pressed to his ear – he couldn't tell if Kurt had dropped his phone or if maybe he was still holding it as he clung to Rachel – and cried with them. Mostly, he could hear Rachel's sobbing, but sometimes he could hear Kurt, too. Blaine sat on the edge of his bed, trying not to make enough noise that his parents would wake up, and realized they had all been peacefully asleep ten minutes ago.
It didn't take long for the commotion in the loft to wake Santana up, and Blaine listened as things got loud and hectic as Kurt explained to her what had happened. After a moment of chaos, things quieted down again and Blaine couldn't hear anything.
"Blaine?" Kurt suddenly asked.
"I'm still here," Blaine replied. His mouth was so dry. He reached for a water bottle on his bedside table and took a long drink.
"Sorry," Kurt apologized for the lengthy interruption.
"Don't be," Blaine shook his head as he put the bottle down. "Are you okay?"
"Not really," Kurt admitted.
As Kurt booked his and Rachel's flights home – for the next afternoon – Blaine's phone started to ping in his ear, the sound of incoming text messages. He put the phone on speaker so he could continue to talk to Kurt while he checked to see who was texting him.
Sam, Tina, Artie, and Marley. Somehow, the news of Finn's death had reached them, and they were all worried about Kurt and Burt and Carole.
Just as Blaine was finishing replying to everyone, reassuring them that he had talked to Kurt and that he would make sure that Burt and Carole had whatever help they needed, the Andersons' house phone rang.
"My parents are waking up," Blaine said to Kurt, unsure about what he should do and unhappy about the idea of possibly ending his call with Kurt.
"Okay," Kurt understood. "Um, Rachel and I need to pack and finish dealing with the logistics of flying home on such short notice, anyway."
"Try to get a little sleep if you can, okay?" Blaine encouraged him, fighting back tears at the prospect of having to hang up. The concept of last conversations weighted heavily on his heart. "Even if you're just closing your eyes and resting."
"Don't worry about me," Kurt scolded tearfully. "I'll... see you tomorrow."
"I love you, Kurt," Blaine said intensely. "So much."
Kurt's breath hitched a few times and he took a long, shaky breath. "I love you," he said quickly before his emotions stole his voice again.
Blaine ended the call and dropped his phone onto his bed.
His parents hadn't come to his room yet, so Blaine stood up and walked over to open his bedroom door. He glanced out into the hallway and saw that the light in his parents' room was on. They were probably trying to figure out how to come wake him up – unaware that he was already awake – so Blaine grabbed his phone (in case Kurt texted him or called) and went to their room.
For the second time in as many months, Blaine and his parents spent the rest of the night hugging and crying together.
School on Friday was both agonizing and productive. Sadness was everywhere, as everyone who had known Finn grieved the loss of a friend and everyone else grieved the loss of such a young life. Blaine, with Mr. Schu's support, got New Directions together before school and organized a plan to make sure Burt and Carole would have all their basic needs met for the next few weeks. Unique, Marley, and Jake would be in charge of making sure they always had plenty of prepared meals so they wouldn't have to cook. Sam and Ryder would take care of mowing the lawn. Tina, Artie, and Kitty volunteered to be in charge of cleaning the Hummel-Hudson house once or twice a week (Blaine was confident that Burt and Carole would accept the help).
Blaine was going to be the errand-runner and chauffeur. He had driven Burt to doctor appointments many times, and he knew that Burt and Carole would be most comfortable asking him for help out of everyone in New Directions. He was not yet officially part of their family, but he had grown very close to his future in-laws over the past few months.
He finally heard from Burt just before lunchtime, when Burt called to ask Blaine if he could pick Kurt up at the airport so that Burt could stay with Carole. Blaine agreed immediately. He was glad to help, and he was very eager to see Kurt. To see and hear and feel Kurt in his arms so he could trust that Kurt was safe.
KURT
Kurt spent the morning making arrangements with his professors, his boss at the diner, and Isabelle at Vogue dot com so that he could go back to Ohio for the weekend to attend Finn's funeral. Nobody offered any resistance; as soon as Kurt uttered the words "my brother passed away unexpectedly", everyone was immediately ready to allow him time to go home and grieve with his family.
He helped Rachel do the same (Santana was gone. Kurt hoped she would make it back to Ohio on her own), and then they took a taxi to the airport. They had packed their bags the night before.
Kurt was surprised, but glad, when Rachel fell asleep on his shoulder shortly after takeoff and slept the entire way to Ohio. Kurt didn't sleep, partially because his brain wouldn't slow down enough to allow him to rest and partially because every bump of turbulence made his blood run cold with fear. He was so, so aware of the fragility of his life, and he felt desperate to make it safely to his family.
So, Kurt stared out the window and thought of his brother and his mother, who had both been denied a long life.
BLAINE
Blaine got to the airport early and found Rachel's dads already standing by the door marked "arrivals". Blaine smiled politely at them as he walked into their line of sight, but he didn't say anything. He had met them briefly at Rachel and Finn's almost-wedding at the courthouse, but he didn't know them.
Rachel and Finn's almost-wedding. Blaine thought about it as he hovered as close to the arrivals door as he could, trying to find a spot that allowed him to see clearly down the hallway without blocking everyone else so he could see Kurt as soon as he rounded the corner. Part of him wished that his friends had gotten married that day. Maybe they hadn't been ready. Maybe they would've had a rough first few years of marriage as they tried to work out how to combine their personalities into one household. But, Blaine thought (wished), if they had been married, maybe Finn never would have never crossed paths with the moment that had ended his life. Maybe things would've been different.
"Blaine, right?"
Blaine snapped his attention back to his surroundings as LeRoy Berry walked over to stand next to him. Blaine nodded, his throat a little tight after thinking about an alternate reality where Finn got to live his happily ever after.
"We're so sorry," LeRoy said as his husband, Hiram, walked over to join them. "How're you holding up?"
"I need to see Kurt," Blaine admitted. He needed to see with his own eyes that Kurt was alive and well. "And Rachel," he added as he wondered what he should say to her. He hadn't seen her since she had found out that she was going to play Fanny Brice on Broadway, but he knew that she didn't want to celebrate and jump around with excitement about anything right now.
"That's right," LeRoy said thoughtfully, "you're newly engaged, aren't you? Congratulations. Rachel always speaks so highly of both you and Kurt."
"Thank you," Blaine said.
They waited in comfortable silence together for the next few minutes until Kurt and Rachel arrived.
Rachel rounded the corner first, dragging her pink suitcase behind her. As soon as she saw her dads, she let go of the suitcase – it fell to the ground with a loud thump – and ran the rest of the way down the hallway, barely holding her sobs in until she threw herself into her dads' arms.
Kurt appeared from around the corner just as Rachel's suitcase hit the ground. He paused to grab it before continuing down the hallway to where Blaine was waiting. He dumped his and Rachel's bags on the ground as soon as he was out of the secure zone and held his arms out for Blaine to close the final few steps between them for a crushing hug.
KURT
Kurt held Blaine as close as he could, emotionally drained and finally able to relinquish Rachel's care to her dads, and had a meltdown. He sobbed until he felt thoroughly nauseated and his head ached, and then he finally let go of his fiancé and tried to decide if he was actually going to throw up.
Blaine led him to a bench against the wall so he could sit down, and Kurt started to feel slightly less ill as he took a few deep breaths. Before taking a seat beside him, Blaine grabbed Kurt's bag and carried it over so it wasn't lying in the middle of the hallway anymore.
"We should go home," Kurt realized as Blaine sat beside him and rubbed Kurt's back with one hand, encouraging him to breathe and relax. "My dad and Carole..."
"It's only been a few minutes, Kurt," Blaine said quietly as Kurt stared blankly at the floor in front of them. "It's okay."
Kurt turned his head to look at Blaine and got his first good look at him since Kurt had run into his arms a few minutes prior. Blaine's face was red and swollen from crying – Kurt knew that his face was, too – and his eyes were full of worry and sadness as he rubbed comforting circles up and down Kurt's back.
"I don't know what that was," Kurt confessed about his sudden, uncontrollable sorrow. He sighed heavily. He was starting to feel physically better, but he still felt like he was walking through a terrible dream. He had just been home, less than two weeks ago. The anniversary of his engagement to Blaine was the next day.
Blaine leaned in and kissed Kurt's cheek. He didn't say anything, but he took his hand off Kurt's back and used it to grab one of Kurt's hands, interlacing their fingers.
A few minutes later, Kurt decided he was ready to go home, so Blaine grabbed his suitcase and they walked hand-in-hand to Blaine's car. They didn't talk much during the drive back to Lima; Kurt wasn't sure if he felt asleep for part of the trip, or if his mind was just so full of emotions and memories and worry for his father and Carole that it just felt like a shorter drive than usual.
They didn't turn on the radio. There was too much potential for a song to come on that reminded them of Finn.
Pulling into the driveway of the house was particularly painful. It was their house. His and his father's and Carole's and Finn's. But now it wasn't.
Blaine was concerned about Kurt's emotional and physical state, Kurt could tell. He hovered as close to Kurt as he could without impeding Kurt's ability to walk, like he was ready to catch him if he fell. Kurt didn't mind. He never wanted to let Blaine out of his sight again.
Seeing his father and Carole was as painful and as comforting as he had imagined. They all cried and clung to each other, at some point pulling Blaine into the mix, too, and somehow made it through the afternoon without being interrupted by a single visitor or delivery person. All of that came later in the evening, when Marley and Jake stopped by with their first round of meals and the local florist stopped by the house two separate times with multiple vases full of flowers from friends and family.
Blaine spent the night with Kurt in his bed. There was no objection from Burt; they all knew Kurt and Blaine weren't going to do anything but sleep, wrapped up in each other's arms for comfort.
Finn's bedroom door was closed.
The next day was spent finishing the plans for the funeral. Kurt and Blaine tried to help as much as they could to take as much of the load off of Carole as possible, but, by the early evening, they ran out of things to do. All that was left was the long wait until the funeral the next day.
Burt insisted that they leave the house for dinner. Carole wasn't ready yet, he explained, but he wanted Kurt and Blaine to get out and do something other than sitting around waiting for the pain of the following day.
They went to Blaine's house to pick up his suit for the funeral and then went out to dinner at a small restaurant near Dalton in honor of their two-week anniversary of being engaged. They tried to talk about other things, but the conversation always returned, directly or indirectly, to Finn.
The last time Kurt had seen him or spoken to him was right after their engagement. In the parking lot at Dalton.
Blaine had seen and talked to him twice after that, when Finn had come to McKinley to help New Directions rehearse for Nationals. The last time had been just two days before Finn's death.
"We walked to the parking lot together after glee club," Blaine recalled as he and Kurt walked to the car so they could drive back to Lima. "We were talking about Nationals from last year – when we won – and just remembering how fun it was." He paused to keep control of his breath and shook his head sadly. "And then we just casually waved goodbye and went to our cars, and that was it."
They made it home in time to say goodnight to Burt and Carole, and Blaine spent the night in Kurt's bed again. Kurt knew he would be there the next night, too. Every night until Kurt went back to New York.
The funeral was predictably gut-wrenching. The sorrow of losing someone so young was a heavy burden on all of Finn's friends and family. Kurt sat between his father and Blaine, turning mostly to Blaine for comfort because Burt was understandably focused on Carole, and felt empty inside, like he had lost part of himself that he could never get back.
And then, less than twenty four hours later, Kurt and Rachel had to fly back to New York.
Blaine, Burt, and Rachel's dads brought Kurt and Rachel to the airport and waited together as they checked in. Then, they all wandered together toward the entrance to the security line and it was time to go, and Kurt was frozen.
Rachel's dads took her aside to have a quiet conversation, leaving Kurt alone with his father and Blaine, and none of them knew what to say. Kurt couldn't say what he was thinking – what he guessed they were all thinking – as he hugged his father and then wrapped Blaine in his arms.
This could possibly be the last time I ever see you.
Kurt managed to hold his tears at bay until his father wrapped his arms around both Kurt and Blaine and mumbled, "I love you, boys," into the top of Kurt's head.
Kurt untangled himself from the group hug so he could hug his father properly again and sob quietly into his shoulder. As he cried, he was vaguely aware of Rachel and her dads returning, and the sound of Rachel and Blaine hugging and sharing a few soft, tear-filled words.
"I love you, Dad," Kurt finally managed as his tears started to subside.
His father squeezed him briefly before releasing him from the hug.
"I love you, Kurt," Burt said, his voice thick with emotion.
As Kurt turned away from his father to say one more farewell to Blaine, a lump formed in his throat and he struggled to keep a new round of tears from falling.
Blaine grabbed Kurt's left hand and lifted it to his lips to kiss the ring on Kurt's finger before pulling him into a tight embrace.
They had said all they needed to say the night before, so Kurt knew everything Blaine was trying to reinforce through the crushing hug. I'm so sorry this happened, but it was so good to see you. Call me any time, day or night, even if it's just because you want to hear my voice and know I'm still here. It's going to be okay.
"Love you," Kurt choked out as they stepped apart.
Blaine looked as overwhelmed as Kurt felt; his eyes were swollen from crying and were full of tears as they faced the heaviness of the fear that this goodbye could be goodbye.
"I love you, too," Blaine said.
Kurt took a deep breath and knew it was time to go.
"See you soon?" he asked.
Blaine reached out, grabbed Kurt's face in his hands, and pressed a tender kiss to Kurt's lips.
"See you soon," Blaine agreed as he released Kurt and took a small step back.
Kurt nodded at him and turned away before he could change his mind and decide to move back to Ohio so he would never have to go more than twelve hours without seeing his father and his fiancé.
New York was where he belonged, he reminded himself as he glanced briefly at Rachel and they exchanged a silent agreement that it was time to go. Kurt walked over and took Rachel's hand, and they both waved at their families before turning to walk into the security line.
Kurt didn't look back.
KURT
Three weeks to the day after Finn's funeral, Kurt packed his suitcase again for a trip back to Ohio. This time, for a weeklong memorial Mr. Schu had organized in glee club. A week of songs to remember Finn.
In order to pack his suitcase, Kurt had to empty it of the suit he had worn to the funeral three weeks earlier. He had been unable to stand the idea of seeing it in his closet every day when he returned to New York, so he had left it neatly folded in his suitcase. Hidden.
Now, it was time to put it back where it belonged. Maybe it was symbolic: he couldn't stay in denial forever.
As he steamed the suit to get rid of a few wrinkles, Kurt thought about his brother. In the three weeks since Finn's death, the main thought that had plagued Kurt's mind was the list of things Finn was going to miss in the future. Kurt and Blaine were engaged, but Finn wouldn't be Kurt's best man at their wedding. Finn would never get to be an uncle to their children. Finn would never be a teacher, would never sing again, would never travel the world.
Finn would never marry Rachel and live happily ever after.
Rachel was broken. She and Finn had been in a good place when Finn passed away – not yet officially a couple again, but well on their way – but Finn had been the love of her life and everyone knew it. Kurt had tried to help her over the past few weeks, making sure she ate at least one meal every day and dragging her out the door to go to class on days when she didn't think she could get out of bed, but there was little he could do to make her feel better. She would have to find inner peace about the situation in her own way.
People asked Kurt how he was doing almost every day, and he never knew what to say to them. He was trying to survive long enough that his grief might soften into something manageable. Into the constant but mild grief that still lived inside him as a result of his mother's death, more than a decade earlier. Less than a month after Finn's death, Kurt still felt like nothing in his life would ever be truly happy again.
After steaming the suit, Kurt finished packing his suitcase and walked around his bed to pick up a framed photo of his and Finn's graduation photos from his nightstand.
Finn would never graduate from college.
He put the frame under one of his pillows. He didn't want Rachel to see it if she walked into his room while he was gone.
"Rachel?" Kurt said softly as he entered her room and found her lying in bed, staring at nothing. "I'm going now."
She didn't look at him. Instead, she waved in his direction – a wordless "goodbye" – and Kurt left to fly back to Ohio without her.
It still felt surreal, like there had to be some other explanation for his trip home. He wanted Finn to be there. To meet him at the airport and apologize for the misunderstanding and live a long, happy life.
Kurt knew he was going to spend the rest of his life missing his brother the same way that he had spent most of his life missing his mother.
His father picked him up at the airport this time. Blaine had plans with his parents that evening, so Kurt and Burt went home and spent the evening with Carole.
Carole seemed better. Not good, but better. Her smile when Kurt walked into the room was genuine and she laughed at funny things during dinner and participated in the conversation. But there was an underlying sadness in her eyes, too. Kurt knew it was probably hard to suddenly have a young man in the house again when her son was gone.
Kurt and Blaine conversed via text message all evening. After both having dinner with their respective parents, they both had schoolwork to do. They distracted each other so much that it took them twice as long as it should have to finish their assignments, but Kurt didn't mind as he crawled into bed very late that evening. He never regretted time spent talking to Blaine.
Goodnight, Blaine texted him after they decided that they absolutely had to stop chatting or they would be unbearably exhausted the next day. Can't wait to see you in the morning!
Me too! Kurt agreed. Goodnight. I love you.
Blaine sent him a string of red hearts. I love you, Kurt! he added. Goodnight.
BLAINE
The next morning, Blaine met Kurt in the McKinley parking lot before school. Kurt was already there when Blaine arrived, so Blaine jumped out of his car – two Lima Bean coffees in his hands – and climbed into Kurt's. He put the drinks in the cup holders and then reached across the car and tugged Kurt toward him for a long kiss.
"Hi," he smiled against Kurt's lips, kissing him a few more times in quick succession. "Sorry I'm late."
"Hey," Kurt said lightly as Blaine sat back. "Thanks for the coffee."
"You're welcome," Blaine took his coffee from the cup holder and continued drinking it (he had already finished half of it on the drive to McKinley from the Lima Bean). "What're you going to do today until glee club?" he wondered.
"I'm not sure," Kurt said. "Mercedes texted me last night about an idea for a memorial garden for Finn out near the football field, so I think I'll probably work on that with her."
"That's a nice idea," Blaine approved.
"How is everyone?" Kurt asked. "New Directions?"
Blaine sighed. "We're floundering," he confessed, disappointed.
"That's why Mr. Schu organized this memorial, isn't it?" Kurt guessed.
"I think he's hoping that, by forcing us to confront the loss so directly, we'll find a way out of our creative paralysis," Blaine confirmed.
Kurt nodded his approval. "What time is it?" he wondered, reaching for his phone to check the time.
"I should probably go," Blaine pouted. "I've got to get some stuff from my locker before class."
"You should definitely go," Kurt turned his phone so Blaine could see the time. It was later than Blaine thought.
"Ah!" Blaine grabbed his bag and his coffee and leaned over for a quick kiss goodbye. "I'll see you this afternoon. Love you!"
"Love you, too," Kurt laughed as Blaine quickly got out of the car. "See you in a few hours!"
KURT
After school, New Directions and many former members of New Directions gathered in the choir room.
Mr. Schu walked to the white board and wrote FINN.
"I'm really glad so many of you could make it back for this," he said to the group. Kurt, Santana, Puck, and Mike Chang had accepted Mr. Schu's invitation and come back to Ohio for the memorial.
"We wouldn't miss it for anything, Mr. Schu," Mike said.
"The funeral was for everyone," Mr. Schu explained, "but I wanted to do something just for us. To memorialize him the only way we know how: by singing. All week long, anyone who wants to can come up and sing. Maybe a song he sung? Maybe something that reminds you of him?"
"Singing isn't gonna bring him back," Puck snapped.
"No, it's not," Mr. Schu confirmed. "Nothing is. Not ever. But, for two minutes or so, we can all maybe remember the best parts of him. So, think of what you want to sing – if you want to sing – and we'll start tomorrow."
"I can't wait until tomorrow, Mr. Schu," Mercedes said. She stood up and walked to the center of the room. "I've been bawling for three weeks. If I don't get this all out now, I don't think I'll ever stop crying."
"Sure, Mercedes, start us off," Mr. Schu allowed.
"I, uh, remember Finn telling me that he sang this song to his baby's sonogram," Mercedes told the group. "Well, he thought it was his baby."
Kurt smiled as he remembered that day. The assignment had been ballads, and he had encouraged Finn to sing out his feelings about the baby. He hadn't known that Finn was going to go home and sing the song to the baby's sonogram on his laptop screen.
"He was the first cool kid to be nice to any of us and he was our leader in here," Mercedes added before glancing skyward. "We love you, Finn."
Hearing the music, and then Mercedes' words as she sang, was more difficult for Kurt than he had anticipated. This had been Finn's song for the baby he thought, at the time, was his daughter.
Finn would never have a daughter.
"Oh, why you look so sad? Tears are in your eyes. Come on and come to me, now. Don't be ashamed to cry. Let me see you through 'cause I've seen the dark side, too. When the night falls on you. You don't know what to do. Nothing you confess could make me love you less. I'll stand by you. I'll stand by you. Won't let nobody hurt you. I'll stand by you."
Some of the other students sang along as Mercedes continued to sing, but Kurt couldn't. He didn't think he would be able to sing for Finn in front of everyone – wasn't sure he wanted to – even if he could think of an appropriate song. He didn't want to sing out his feelings. He wanted his brother back.
He and Blaine walked together to Blaine's locker after glee club, both silent.
"Do you think," Kurt finally asked as Blaine put a few books from his bag into his locker, "you're going to sing anything this week?"
"No," Blaine shook his head as he closed his locker.
"Me neither," Kurt confessed.
"If you want to sing something, but not alone, I'll sing with you," Blaine clarified.
"Thank you," Kurt appreciated the offer.
"Hey, Hummel!" Becky suddenly shouted at them from down the hallway. "Principal Sue wants to see you in her office, right now!"
Kurt looked to Blaine for a clue as to why Sue would want anything to do with him, but Blaine just shrugged.
"Be right back," Kurt told him before walking down the hallway to Sue's office.
"Sweet, gentle, Porcelain," Sue addressed him as soon as he sat down. "I know you were instrumental in raising the funds for the tree in the memorial garden in Finn's honor."
"All I did was drive to Home Depot and buy a tree for twenty dollars," Kurt clarified, "but... yes."
"Well, it looks like we're going to have to dip into your 'West Village Halloween parade ass-less chap' fund once again," Sue informed him. "Tree's gone. Someone's vandalized the memorial."
"I don't understand," Kurt said disbelievingly, "why would someone do something like that?"
"Who knows? Grief can bring out the irrational in all of us," Sue explained. "Sometimes it makes people do very strange things. Sometimes, when people die, we want to hold onto what's left of them to get us through the hard times."
Kurt had a hard time imagining that someone had stolen the tree to keep it, but he didn't say so.
"I'll take that twenty dollars for a new tree, please," Sue said, extending her hand. "I prefer exact change. Thanks," she added as Kurt handed over the money.
"What was that about?" Blaine asked when Kurt walked out of Sue's office.
"Someone stole the tree," Kurt told him. "Finn's memorial tree. We just planted it today, who would –? Anyway, she wanted money for another one."
"Why would someone steal a tree?" Blaine scoffed.
"Because they're a horrible person," Kurt said. "I don't know."
"Early dinner?" he suggested as they walked out of the school into the parking lot. "I promised Dad and Carole I would help them go through Finn's room tonight, but I've got a few hours before we're supposed to start."
"Sure," Blaine agreed. "Breadstix?"
"Of course," Kurt nodded. "Lima's finest."
They ended up sitting at the same booth where they had been sitting when Kurt had asked Blaine to go to prom with him the first time. That fact sparked a conversation about prom, and they chatted all through dinner, about prom and a host of other topics. It wasn't until they were walking out of the restaurant that Kurt started to feel nervous about cleaning out Finn's room.
"I've barely been in there," he explained as they stood between their cars. "I haven't thought about what I want to keep. What if we give away something that we shouldn't?"
"Hey," Blaine put a hand on Kurt's arm to calm him down. "You'll know."
"Want to come help us?" Kurt hoped.
"I don't think that's my place," Blaine disagreed gently. "But call or text me when you're done, if you want to."
"Is there... anything you want?" Kurt asked awkwardly. "From Finn?"
Blaine shook his head.
"Okay," Kurt acknowledged.
Blaine grabbed Kurt's hand and squeezed it. "You can do this, Kurt," he encouraged him. "You'll have your dad and Carole there with you."
Kurt pulled Blaine into a hug. "I'll text you," he promised. "When we're done."
KURT
They got started as soon as Kurt got home.
Walking into Finn's bedroom was strange for Kurt. It was just like Finn left it. Like he was going to walk in the door at any second. There was even a drink with a straw in it, like Finn had just walked out.
"I marked these boxes so it would be easier to separate things," he explained, motioning to three large boxes he had placed on the floor that morning: Keep. Give Away. Donate.
"Thanks, honey," Carole said from where she and Burt were sitting on the end of Finn's bed.
"You don't have to do this now," Burt told her, hearing the pain in her voice. "It can wait."
"There's no timetable," Kurt agreed.
"No, we should do it now," Carole decided. "I'm afraid I'll never do it."
Kurt turned toward the window to start looking through all of Finn's things. It felt like a monumental task. And like a strange violation of Finn's privacy.
His eyes fell on a football, covered in signatures, sitting on the dresser under the window.
"Oh, look," he realized, reaching out to grab it. "It's the ball from the first game we ever scored at."
He turned to his father and twisted his left hand around in the air like the Single Ladies dance. It seemed like so long ago, when Kurt had still been in the closet and had persuaded Finn to pull some strings and allow him to try out for the football team.
"You should keep this, Dad," he tossed the ball to Burt.
"The weirdest football game I've ever been to," Burt recalled.
Kurt noticed the lamp on the same dresser by the window and walked over to look at it. "It's the 'faggy' lamp from my Marlene Dietrich basement redecoration," he recalled.
"I think he kept it in here to prove a point to Burt," Carole explained.
"You know, if it's okay with everyone, I think I'd like to keep that lamp," Burt decided.
"No, it's not okay with me," Carole disagreed as Kurt moved over slightly and picked up Finn's hairbrush off the top of the dresser. "That thing is awful."
"I need a lamp for my office at the shop," Burt tried to justify his desire to keep the lamp.
Kurt stared down at the hairbrush in his hands as his father recalled what had happened in the basement of their old house, nearly three years prior.
"I tore into him about this lamp," Burt remembered, his voice full of regret. "You know, I was right in principle, but, you know, come on, the boy didn't have a prejudiced bone in his body. And I knew what he meant when he was calling it 'faggy'. I wasn't teaching him a lesson in tolerance. I was teaching myself one and he was just unlucky enough to be there for it."
Burt unplugged the lamp, carried it to the center of the room, and put it down on the floor.
"Finn knew how you felt about him, honey," Carole tried to reassure him. "He kinda liked it when you yelled at him."
"Should'a hugged him more, you know?" Burt decided, struggling to hold back tears. "You know, I was always, you know, we'd fist bump or we'd high five, but... should've given him more hugs."
They had barely started cleaning out the room and Kurt already felt sick with grief. He clutched the hairbrush to his chest as his father continued.
"You know, the last time I saw him, he was so bummed out about some test at school. And I just, you know, told him to 'get back at it!'. You know, he was 'worth it!'. It was the perfect time for a hug. But, for whatever reason, I just– I gave him a pat on the back. And that's that. Now he's gone."
As Burt tired to regain control of his emotions, Carole placed Finn's letterman jacket in the Donate box.
"Oh, don't donate that," Kurt stepped forward and took the jacket out of the box. "I want it."
He couldn't bear the thought of something so classically Finn leaving their family.
"Seeing him coming down the hallway wearing this," Kurt said as he stared down at the jacket in his hands, "it was like Superman had arrived."
He put the jacket on and turned his head to smell it. It did smell kind of like Finn. "God, his arms were long," Kurt laughed a little as he straightened out his arms and the jacket's sleeves could still cover his hands.
From her place on the floor, where she was starting to sort through Finn's clothes, Carole looked from Kurt to Burt, devastated.
"I always thought that when I, uh– how do parents go on when they lose a child?" she said. "You know, when I would see that stuff on the news, I would shrug it off because it was just too horrible to think, but I would always think 'how do they wake up every day?'." She struggled to control her breathing. "I mean, h–how do they breathe, honey?" she looked at Burt, but Burt didn't have any answers. None that would help.
"But you do wake up," Carole said through her tears. She looked up at Kurt. "And, for just a second, you forget."
Kurt knew that feeling.
"And then," Carole continued, "oh, you remember. And it's like getting that call again and again, every time. You don't get to stop waking up. You have to keep on being a parent even though you don't get to have a child anymore."
She covered her face with her hands, overwhelmed with grief, and both Kurt and Burt immediately rushed to her side as she sobbed. She reached for Kurt as he settled down onto the floor beside her, and hugged him tightly while they all cried together.
"I love you, Kurt," she said as she released him, after they had all cried so hard that they felt like they couldn't cry anymore. "I'm sorry you had to hear that."
Kurt didn't trust his voice, so he just shook his head and hoped that she understood that he understood.
He had lost his mother and she had lost her son.
The rest of the evening proved to be slightly less intense than the first few minutes, but it was still taxing enough that Kurt felt completely devoid of happiness by the time they were finished. He decided to keep a few things – the letterman jacket, a pair of drumsticks, a little "I love Lima" sticker Finn had stuck to a corkboard near the door, the hairbrush, and some photographs – and Burt and Carole kept some other things, but most of the stuff from Finn's room ended up in the Donate box.
The empty room – with just its barren furniture waiting to be dismantled – felt like the most unfriendly place in the world.
Are you still awake? Kurt texted Blaine, trying to shut the mental image of the empty room out of his mind as he closed his bedroom door behind him.
Yes, Blaine replied almost immediately.
Can I call? Kurt wondered.
Blaine called him, instead.
"It was worse than I thought it would be," Kurt said through a fresh round of tears.
"I'm sorry," Blaine replied soothingly. "I'm really sorry, Kurt."
"His room's empty now," Kurt explained, starting to feel a little hysterical. "Once the furniture's gone it'll be like he never lived here. Maybe I should've kept more of his stuff. What if we just donated his favorite shirt? Or something he wanted one of us to have? What if–"
"Kurt," Blaine interrupted.
"He's really gone," Kurt sobbed.
He and Blaine cried together about that fact for a minute until Kurt started to feel like his exhaustion was physically weighing him down.
"I should go," he moaned unhappily. "I've never been so tired."
"You worked hard today," Blaine appreciated. "Emotionally."
"Thanks for having that little meltdown with me," Kurt tried to end the conversation on a slightly less serious note, but the words didn't sound as funny as he wanted them to.
"I'm here for you, Kurt," Blaine reassured him. "I'm going to give you the hug I want to give you now when I see you in the morning."
"Lima Bean, right?" Kurt reminded himself. They had decided to meet for coffee at the Lima Bean the next day instead of Blaine stopping to get it on the way to McKinley.
"Right," Blaine confirmed.
They said their I love yous, and Kurt was asleep – in his pajamas, with his face washed and moisturized – ten minutes later.
KURT
After coffee with Blaine the next morning, Kurt noticed something going on by the dumpster in the McKinley parking lot as he drove past the school, so he stopped to investigate.
He was wearing Finn's jacket. It felt nice to carry a tangible piece of Finn around with him.
Students were spray painting the exterior of the dumpster, turning it into a memorial for Finn.
"What's up with the Banksy loser parade?" Puck wondered as he suddenly appeared, walking over to stand beside Kurt.
"You're exhausting," Kurt scolded. "You seriously don't recognize this dumpster? You used to throw me into it at least once a week."
"Oh, yeah," Puck recalled.
"As soon as Finn joined the glee club, being a loser, an outcast, and a misfit... it all became okay," Kurt said, remembering how his days in the dumpster had rapidly disappeared once Finn joined the glee club.
He started to walk toward the dumpster to get a closer look at the artwork.
"Hey, give me that jacket," Puck requested, touching Kurt's arm to get his attention. "Seriously, I'll pay you for it. I'm sure you have a whole room full of mementos. I've got nothing to remember him by."
"Well, you can't have this," Kurt said firmly.
"That jacket is reserved for people who earned it!" Puck said angrily. "I'm not gonna let you bedazzle it with glitter and turn it into some Project Runway shawl."
"So, what're you gonna do?" Kurt asked, stepping toward Puck, answering the other boy's aggression with his own. "Beat me up and take it from me? Throw me in a dumpster? You can't have it."
He and Puck glared at each other briefly before Kurt turned and walked away toward the dumpster.
Puck was gone when he turned around a few minutes later to return to his car.
KURT
"Hey," Kurt greeted Blaine that afternoon as they ran into each other near the choir room door. "How's your day been?"
"Okay," Blaine shrugged. "Sam and Artie wanted to do a song in the auditorium before school instead of this afternoon in glee club and it was... sad. And I overheard some of the Cheerios in the hallway talking about some kind of shouting match between Santana and Sue earlier, but I'm not sure what that's about. You?"
"I spent most of the day remotely working on Vogue dot com stuff," Kurt explained as they walked into the choir room and saw that they were the last ones to arrive. "A plus of working for Vogue dot com."
Blaine took a seat in the back, and Kurt found a seat on the row below.
Santana sang If I Die Young, and got so emotional that she couldn't finish. As she ran out of the room, Kurt stared after her, worried. He and Santana hadn't spoken since they arrived for the memorial – Kurt wasn't even sure how she had gotten to Ohio or when.
He stood up and went after her. He had a good guess about where she had run off to.
"You okay?" Kurt asked as he walked into the auditorium and found her sitting on the edge of the stage. "You sang beautifully."
"I couldn't do it," Santana told him.
"There was only one more chorus," Kurt said as he walked down the steps toward the stage.
"No, not the song," Santana clarified. She had a piece of paper, folded up, next to her on the stage. "I had this whole plan to surprise everyone and not be a bitch for once in my life and say all these nice things about Finn and then, at the last minute, I chickened out. I even wrote them all down," she added as Kurt reached the stage and hopped up to sit beside her.
"Would you read it to me?" Kurt asked, knowing that she wouldn't have brought it up if some part of her didn't want him to hear it.
"No, I can't," Santana told him, tilting the list away. "It's too embarrassing. They're, like... really nice."
"If there's one thing I've learned from Finn dying," Kurt told her, "it's that shame is a wasted emotion. I'm sure Finn had secrets, too, but who cares now? Do you really think one day, on your death bed, you're going to think 'oh good, no one knew I was kind'?"
Santana dropped her gaze to the paper in her hand. "Okay," she agreed to read what she had written about Finn. "When we had sex, Finn never stopped asking me if I was okay the whole time. And he meant it. One time, Becky Jackson left a piece of chocolate birthday cake on my chair and, when I sat on it, it looked like I'd pooped my pants, and so Finn walked behind me until I could get out of school so no one saw my chocolate butt and thought that I'd messed myself."
"Yeah," Kurt laughed softly, "you would've never lived that one down."
"I know," Santana said, barely audible. She folded the paper up and added, "He was a much better person than I am."
"That is true," Kurt replied. "But Finn really cared about you. And I don't think he would've done all those things if he didn't think you were decent, too."
Santana could be mean. Horribly, purposefully mean. But she could also be a steadfast, thoughtful friend.
"Can you leave, please?" Santana said, her voice shaky.
Kurt stood up and took off Finn's jacket. He draped it over her shoulders, hoping it would bring her as much comfort as it had brought him, and walked out of the auditorium.
KURT
The next day, it was Puck's turn to sing for his best friend. He sat alone on a stool in the middle of the choir room with his guitar.
"Well, we busted out of class. Had to get away from those fools. We learned more from a three minute record, baby, than we ever learned in school. Tonight I hear the neighborhood drummer sound. I can feel my heart begin to pound. You say you're tired and you just want to close your eyes and follow your dreams down."
As Kurt watched him sing, he wondered if maybe he had underestimated the degree to which Puck had been devastated by Finn's death.
"Well, we made a promise we swore we'd always remember. No retreat, baby, no surrender."
When he finished, all the students got up and walked to huddle around him.
"I love you guys," Puck said.
Suddenly, Santana stormed into the room. She was furious. "Where is it, Puckerman?" she accused.
"It's just a tree," Puck scoffed. "I told Bieste I'd put it back."
"No, not the tree," Santana said severely. "Finn's jacket. I went for a lie-down in the nurse's office, hung it up on the coat rack by her door, and, when I woke up from my grief siesta, it was gone." She got in Puck's face. "I know you took it. We all know you took it."
"I didn't take a jacket," Puck denied vehemently.
"If we were rounding up the usual suspects," Artie said, "that would pretty much just be you."
"I didn't take Finn's jacket!" Puck shouted.
"Enough!" Mr. Schu roared. Everyone turned to look at him as he added, "Please, no fighting this week."
The group dispersed. Kurt met Blaine's gaze briefly and gave him a nonverbal "I'll meet you outside" before turning his attention to Puck.
"Seriously, Puck," he said calmly but firmly. "You can keep it tonight, but I need it back tomorrow, alright? It's Santana's now."
Blaine was waiting for him just outside the choir room door.
"Do you think he took it?" Blaine wondered.
"I don't know," Kurt admitted. "Probably."
"Hey," Sam walked up to them, "we're going to go in a minute and put some drumsticks at Finn's memorial by his old locker. You guys wanna come?"
Blaine looked at Kurt for confirmation before answering for both of them. "Sure," he said. "We'd love to."
"I'm going to run to the bathroom first," Kurt told them. "Why don't you go with Sam, and I'll meet you over there," he suggested to Blaine.
"Okay," Blaine agreed.
As Kurt walked out of the bathroom into the nearly-empty hallway, he ran into the last person he expected to see in the hallways of McKinley this week.
Rachel.
Kurt flung his arms around her and hugged her, but neither of them cried. Rachel seemed surprisingly calm and very sure about her decision to come for the last day of the memorial.
"I couldn't not come," she said sadly as Kurt released her. "I owe it to him to– to come back to this place that meant so much to him."
"To us," Kurt understood.
Rachel nodded.
Kurt took her hand and led the way to the memorial at Finn's old locker. The whole row of lockers was covered in notes and flowers, plus some football equipment, candles, and balloons. And the current members of New Directions were standing there, looking down at the shiny red drumsticks they had just added to the memorial.
"This is sort of cheesy," Kitty commented as Kurt and Rachel approached, unnoticed.
"No," Rachel disagreed, studying the memorial for the man she loved, "it's beautiful."
Everyone turned to look at her, surprised to see her and unsure of what to say.
"I just had to see it," Rachel explained.
Kurt made eye contact with Blaine and shook his head slightly. No, I didn't know she was coming.
They all turned their attention back to the memorial for a moment, and then Kurt turned to Rachel.
"What do you want to do?" he asked.
Rachel took a deep breath. "I'd like to sing for him," she announced softly. "One final time."
BLAINE
They all walked back to the choir room together. Rachel let go of Kurt's hand with a gentle "thank you, Kurt," before she walked to the center of the room and everyone else found a seat. Blaine and Kurt sat together, right in the middle where Rachel could look to them for support as she sang.
"Nobody treat me with kid gloves, okay?" Rachel requested. "I don't know what to say, either."
She reached up and touched the Finn necklace around her neck.
"I loved Finn," she said, her voice trembling, "and he loved me. And he loved all of you guys. I know he did."
In front of Blaine and Kurt, Mike reached out and grabbed Tina's hand.
"I like to sing in the car," Rachel told the group, "and, um, and, before Finn, I used to sing alone. And this was the first song that I sang with him when we would drive around together, so... this is for him."
The room was absolutely silent as Rachel began the song.
"When the rain is blowing in your face and the whole world is on your case, I could offer you a warm embrace to make you feel my love. When the evening shadows and the stars appear and there's no one there to dry your tears, I could hold you for a million years to make you feel my love."
Kurt reached over and grabbed Blaine's hand, and Blaine held it between both of his on his lap. Rachel's comment about singing in the car weighed heavily on his mind. He and Kurt loved singing in the car together.
"I know you haven't made your mind up yet, but I would never do you wrong. I've know it from the moment that we met. No doubt in my mind where you belong. I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue; I'd go crawling down the avenue. No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do to make you feel my love."
There wasn't a dry eye in the room. They had all lost a friend. One of their dearest friends. But Rachel had lost the man she loved.
"Oh, the storms are raging on the rolling sea and on the highway of regret. The winds of change are blowing wild and free. You ain't seen nothing like me yet."
Blaine turned to look at Kurt, overwhelmed, and Kurt stared back at him for a moment. What if it had been one of them instead of Finn? They still had a chance at a happy life together. Blaine's soul ached with the knowledge that it could all be stolen from them in one tragic moment.
"I could make you happy. Make your dreams come true. Nothing that I wouldn't do. Go to the ends of the earth for you to make you feel my love. To make you feel my love."
When she finished the song, Rachel lowered her head, and Kurt stood up and pulled Blaine with him to wrap her in a hug. The three of them were quickly joined by the everyone else, enveloping Rachel in a group hug in an attempt to remind her that she didn't have to suffer alone.
"Thank you, guys," Rachel said tearfully. She looked at Kurt. "Thank you, Kurt."
Blaine could see the unspoken words in her eyes as she looked at her best friend. Thank you for keeping me going these past few weeks.
Rachel, Kurt, and Blaine walked out to the parking lot together a few minutes later. They paused by Rachel's car, and Blaine struggled to maintain his composure as Rachel showed them the plaque she had had made to go on the choir room wall.
The show must go... all over the place... or something, the quote underneath Finn's photograph said.
Blaine looked from the photo of Finn to Kurt's face, and then to Rachel's. They were supposed to be a family. Him and Kurt. Finn and Rachel.
They were still a family, Blaine decided, as he hugged Rachel goodbye so she could go back inside and show Mr. Schu the plaque. They were just going to have to learn how to be a family without Finn.
There's not much to say here except... what a tragedy. I'm glad they decided to do the delightful Beatles episodes first, before this amazing but heartbreaking tribute episode. That way, we can assume that Finn knew about both Kurt & Blaine getting engaged and Rachel getting the role in Funny Girl before he passed away. Which, obviously, doesn't make things any better or less tragic, but maybe it means that Finn had a little burst of extra happiness in the final few weeks of his life.
Thank you, Cory, for bringing Finn to life for us. Rest in peace.
Up next... 5x04: A Katy Or A Gaga!