Alright, so I'm kind of on an update-every-other-weekday schedule right now... thanks for your patience! :)
This episode is insane. The writers are stalling so hard at this point; my guess is that they wanted to keep McKinley/Ohio around until the 100th episode, so they had to do something to fill the time until then. And so... puppets. But hey, it's fun, so why not? This episode is so, so funny for Blaine. I don't know how well that hilarity stays intact when I write it down like this, but watching it? Hilarious.
(I do not own Glee or any of the characters, dialogue, or songs from the show. It's all just for fun!)
BLAINE
On Monday afternoon, Blaine was delayed on his way to the choir room, so he arrived later than he normally did. As he walked into the room, he was met with a chaotic scene. His classmates were making a ton of noise as they attempted to entertain themselves until Mr. Schu arrived. Some were doing vocal warm-ups, some were playing instruments, some were dancing around the room. Blaine cleared his throat as he paused near the doorway. "Guys!" he tried to get his friends' attentions. "Guys! New Directions! New Directions!"
Some of the other students glanced at him, but the noise persisted. Blaine raised his voice. "Guys!" he shouted, which finally got everyone's attention. "Hey," Blaine explained, "I just ran into Mr. Schu and he's gonna be stuck in his classroom for the rest of the afternoon because of some school board inspection thing. But, he still wanted us to meet so we can start working on ideas for Nationals."
"Beyoncé!" Unique suggested loudly, and the room erupted into a shouting match of ideas.
"Wait, wait!" Blaine protested, annoyed that they weren't listening to him. "This is anarchy; we can't all just shout at the same time!" he scolded.
The group quieted down again.
"That's better," Blaine approved. "I have some ideas, already. I'm thinking that the music needs to be really simple so we can really highlight our voices. No guitars or nothing electronic. We go with a simple piano arrangement, which I could play."
"I'm assuming you're singing lead?" Kitty asked.
"Well, I am a senior and this is my last go at it," Blaine reminded her. When she shot him an unhappy look, Blaine felt a prickle of defensiveness. Nobody else had any good ideas! "We need to win this!" he reminded the group.
"Feels like North Korea up in here," Tina criticized.
"Okay," Blaine agreed that maybe his first idea wasn't the plan. "Forget the piano, forget all the music! We can just do, um... a cappella! That always works!"
"Déjà Warblers," Unique scolded, unhappy with the suggestion. "Should we wear matching blazers, too?"
"Let's take it back..." Sam added, "what was wrong with the guitars?"
"Nothing!" Blaine explained, exasperated. "Why can't you guys just stop resisting me for a second and just go with me?"
"Okay, Blaine Jong-il!" Tina said.
"Yes, Blaine Jong-il!" Sam laughed.
"I am not trying to be bossy," Blaine argued. "I am trying to give the benefit of my experience! I have won more show choir competitions than anyone in this room."
The other students glared at him.
"You suck," Ryder coughed into his hand, and Blaine didn't know what to do. He had good ideas. Why did everything in New Directions always have to be an argument? He threw his arms out, trying to figure out what was wrong with offering good ideas.
Jake stood up. "A cappella's worth a shot," he allowed. "Let's do it."
"Thank you," Blaine acknowledged.
"Then you two can have fun in your little barber shop couplet while the rest of us discuss something good," Unique resisted.
Blaine was fed up.
"Fine," he snapped, "you don't want my help? Then I'm not gonna give it."
He picked up his things and marched into the office adjacent to the choir room.
"Looks like somebody's manstrating," Kitty criticized as Blaine sat down in the office, still in view of the choir room but slightly separated from the other students.
"I heard that!" Blaine retorted.
He spent the rest of the class ignoring everyone. He listened as the other students debated various ideas, but refused to participate.
The lack of any kind of consistent decision-making process was one of the things Blaine had always hated most about New Directions. And now, so close to graduation, he had run out of patience with the constant bickering. If his friends thought they could ignore their captain and figure things out on their own, they were welcome to try.
KURT
Meanwhile, as he walked from NYADA to the subway station he always used to start his journey home from Manhattan, Kurt had an idea.
He was walking past Callbacks, thinking about how glad he was that the emotional turmoil that he associated with the bar was now in the past, when he noticed a sign in the window. It was a poster for an indie band that was performing at the bar that evening.
Excitement flooded through Kurt as he realized that Callbacks might be the perfect place to debut Pamela Lansbury. He and the other members of his band had just been talking about the idea of debuting during rehearsal over the weekend. They were ready.
Kurt stepped into the bar, had a pleasant conversation with the manager, and walked out a few minutes later with a date and time for Pamela Lansbury's very first show.
He texted the band before he descended into the subway, asking them all to come to the loft right away.
"Oh, good, we're all here!" Kurt said when he finally made it back to the loft and found that Rachel, Elliott, Santana, and Dani had all arrived before him. "Thank you, Team Pamela Lansbury, for assembling on such short notice."
"Okay, well, I rescheduled my dialect session," Rachel told him, "so what's up with this emergency text?"
"What's up is I just booked our band's debut gig!" Kurt announced proudly.
"Amazing!" Elliott approved. "Where? When?"
"This Thursday, 7:30pm," Kurt explained, "at the Greenwich Village hotspot... Callbacks!"
"Oh!" Rachel squealed, delighted. "NYADA's premiere piano bar!"
"Wait, hold on," Dani said, "isn't that a Broadway hangout?"
"Well, traditionally," Kurt confirmed. "But, I talked to the manager and he says that Thursdays are kind of their dead night. So, we can go in and do whatever we want!"
"No," Santana disagreed. "We cannot debut there. That is instant career suicide!"
Kurt glared at her.
"Yeah, Kurt... look, not to overstep," Elliott said carefully, "but I follow a lot of bands just starting out and it's kind of all about the launch. You know, getting music critics out to see you. And that's a lot easier with the right venue."
"Oh, come on!" Kurt couldn't believe he and Rachel were the only ones excited about this opportunity. "Callbacks is a real funky place, you know? They've got tons of history –"
"Yeah, but I can't think of a single band that started out there," Elliott countered. "I mean, it's not like the Bitter End or the Mercury Lounge or..."
"Yeah," Dani agreed, "and if people associate that place with show tunes, nobody's gonna come out for..."
"... our covers of Madonna's greatest hits?" Kurt finished for her. "I disagree, Dani!"
Dani grimaced, unhappy with his criticism.
"Oh," Elliott realized unenthusiastically, "so we're back to the whole Madonna thing?"
"Yes," Kurt clarified, "it was my first impulse. Okay, look, guys, I know it's untraditional, but you have to trust me. I was there, at Callbacks. I saw it all. A vision of perfect clarity. Every seat was occupied. A quiet hush fell over the expectant crowd as Pamela Lansbury made their way to the stage and the opening notes of Madonna's 1985 seminal classic hit Into The Groove begin..."
He could imagine it so clearly. They could dress up in 80s-inspired outfits, colorful and fun. The crowd would love it.
The others didn't look convinced, but Kurt's cell phone suddenly rang and he reached into his pocket to grab it. He glanced at the screen as he pulled the phone out of his pocket. Blaine.
He had planned to just ignore the call, but he didn't want to ignore Blaine.
"Oh, that's my fiancé," he explained to the group. "Talk amongst yourselves."
BLAINE
Glee rehearsal had just ended, and Blaine needed to vent. He held his phone to his ear, waiting for Kurt to pick up, as he walked down the hallway to his locker.
"Hello?" Kurt answered.
"Ugh," Blaine scoffed, "can I just say: glee club sucks! Mr. Schu asked for ideas for Nationals and, when I gave some genius ones, everyone got all mad and started... dissing me." He unlocked his locker and acknowledged, "Maybe I came on too strong, but since when was that a bad thing?"
"It's not," Kurt told him. "But you've got to remember: at McKinley, everyone has an equal vote. And, if you come on too aggressively, they might think you're a control freak or a puppet master."
Blaine was so offended by the puppet master accusation that he pulled the phone away from his ear slightly to glare at it.
"Anyway! I was going to call you," Kurt said. "Pamela Lansbury booked its first gig! And I know you were just here, but I was hoping you could come cheer us on in the audience? So, what do you say? Can I send you the deets and a JetBlue voucher?"
"Of course, I wouldn't miss it," Blaine replied quickly before returning to the original subject of the conversation. "Wow, I can't believe anyone would see me as controlling!" He said incredulously as he walked down the hallway toward the parking lot.
"You'd rather be the one in charge than the one being told what to do, right?" Kurt asked.
"I have good ideas, Kurt!" Blaine huffed. "So, yes, to answer your question, I would rather be in charge, but someone has to be!"
"Where was Mr. Schu today?" Kurt wondered.
"He had something else he had to do," Blaine explained, "so he asked me to lead rehearsal today. Because, oh hey! I'm captain of New Directions. They act like that means nothing!"
He shoved the door to the parking lot open and stepped outside to walk to his car.
"It doesn't mean much, really," Kurt said apologetically.
"We are going to lose at Nationals," Blaine declared, "because everyone in New Directions, except me, has this weird 'oh, well, if it's fun that means it'll just randomly be successful!' mentality. No, it won't! We have to prepare for this competition, Kurt. I saw that video that leaked online last week of Throat Explosion's Applause rehearsal, and oh my god."
He unlocked his car door and threw his bag into the back seat as he climbed in. "This would never have happened in the Warblers," he pouted.
"I... you might not want to mention that to the others," Kurt warned.
"I'm not trying to make New Directions into the Warblers!" Blaine snapped.
Kurt didn't say anything, and Blaine realized he was taking his anger out on the wrong person.
"I'm sorry," he said quickly. "I'm sorry, okay? I'm just mad."
"It's okay," Kurt responded. "I can tell."
"Ugh," Blaine huffed.
KURT
"Look," Kurt said, glancing toward the living room where the rest of Pamela Lansbury was discussing the Callbacks situation, "they'll come around eventually, right? Everyone always thinks their own ideas are best at first, so they just need a little time to admit to themselves – and then, to you – that your ideas are best, in this case."
"I guess," Blaine said, unconvinced.
"But, um, can we talk about this more later?" Kurt requested. "I should go."
"Sure," Blaine agreed. "I should head home, anyway. Thanks for letting me vent a little."
"That's why I'm here!" Kurt said pleasantly. "Love you."
"I love you," Blaine said. "Bye."
Kurt turned his attention back to Pamela Lansbury as he put his phone back in his pocket.
"So..." he wondered as he walked back to the living room, "what do we think?"
"We're on board!" Rachel said brightly.
"Reluctantly," Santana clarified.
"We figure... let's see what Callbacks has to offer," Elliott explained. "I guess, worst case, we can just pretend it never happened and try to hype a more traditional debut somewhere else."
Kurt shimmied his shoulders, delighted. "Excellent!" he approved. "Let's rehearse!"
BLAINE
Blaine hoped that he would feel better about the situation in New Directions in the morning, but he didn't. If anything, he felt worse about it.
He was grumpy all day. As he walked into the choir room for glee rehearsal that afternoon – arriving early, this time, so he could have a moment alone before dealing with his classmates – he tried to decide if he wanted to attempt to talk to the group again today. They had to know that his ideas were good. Maybe they were just being stubborn.
"You're early," a voice startled him out of his thoughts.
"Jeez!" Blaine cringed away from the voice and turned to see New Directions' piano accompanist sitting alone at the piano. "Ah, Brad! You scared the crap out of me! Warn me before you talk."
Brad looked unfazed, as usual, but Blaine immediately felt bad about snapping at him.
"I'm sorry, man," Blaine apologized. "I'm having a bad week."
"Tell me about it," Brad agreed. "I can't stop playing online blackjack. I owe thousands of dollars to some very sketchy people."
"Why doesn't anyone listen to me?" Blaine wondered, partially to Brad, but mostly to himself. "I'm in twenty three clubs. I probably would've been prom king if this school didn't have so many stoners. And what's wrong with having a solid game plan?"
"My house is getting foreclosed on," Brad confessed, but Blaine barely heard him.
"And get this," Blaine complained. "My fiancé called me a 'puppet master'. Well, if pulling strings means that I encourage people to reach their fullest potential, then hell yeah! Guilty as charged!"
He marched over to sit in the chair closest to the wall, away from the room's main cluster of chairs.
"Brad, if everyone wants me to just sit down and shut up... that's exactly what I'm gonna do," he announced. "I'm going to be right back here, in the back corner."
He started to feel weird as he spoke, like his body wanted to fall asleep all of the sudden no matter what his mind wanted. He blinked slowly, trying to finish his thought. "Believe me... that'll send a message... loud..."
"Blainey Days!" Tina's voice startled him awake. "Blainey Days, wake up!"
He opened his eyes and discovered Tina hovering in front of him. Only, it wasn't Tina.
She was a puppet.
Blaine's mind juggled multiple thoughts simultaneously as he looked at the puppet of Tina, but he couldn't grasp any of them. His mind felt pleasantly numb, like all his problems had gone away.
"We're sorry we didn't listen to you earlier," Tina said.
"Yeah, dawg!" Artie – also a puppet – said from behind Tina. "Our bad, yo!"
Kitty popped up beside Artie, and Blaine's mind shut off the part of him that was struggling with the absolute absurdity of the situation. It felt real, which was good enough.
"I'd love to say something bitchy or downright cruel," Kitty said, "but I can't! Because you're clearly the most talented teenager at this school!"
"On this planet!" Ryder added.
"Yeah, that's why we're best friends," the puppet of Sam said, "even though I'm straight and you're gay and I'm blond and you're gay. May the Force be with you!" he ended with a Darth Vader impression.
"Kids, I've got an awesome idea!" Mr. Schu said enthusiastically from his place near the piano. "This week's lesson is all about the most inspiring guy we know: Blaine!"
Blaine sat up straighter in his chair, intrigued and flattered.
"Oh, child, Unique's got the blues and the only way to cure them is to hear Blaine's smooth-as-a-baby's-butt voice!" Unique requested a song from Blaine. The other students begged him to accept, and Blaine felt so good.
"Really?" he asked, pleased. "Well, if you guys insist... what should I sing? Oh! I know! Hit it!"
The next few minutes were a blur of delight. Blaine sang You're My Best Friend and danced around the room with the puppet versions of his friends, and it was the most fun he'd had in glee rehearsal in a long time. Things were so much better when people just listened to him.
"Blainey Days!" Tina's voice, harsh this time instead of pleasant, jerked Blaine out of his fantasy as he finished singing the song. "Blainey Days, what's wrong with you?"
Blaine blinked his eyes open, still slouched in his chair in the corner of the choir room, and tried to figure out what had just happened to him. Had he fallen asleep?
"Yeah, dude, you didn't say a word the entire class!" Sam scolded. "Didn't even sing!"
They were all picking up their things and leaving the room. Had he slept through the entire class? Tina didn't say he had been sleeping... what was wrong with him?
"Want us to call you a waaambulence?" Kitty scolded before she walked out of the room. "Because your pity party is out of control."
"Yeah, girl," Unique added, "check yourself before you wreck yourself."
She was a puppet.
Blaine narrowed his eyes at her, trying to figure out why he was suddenly seeing puppets and real people in the same space.
He tried to remember what he ate for lunch. Had he been drugged? He hadn't slept particularly well the night before, but there was no way he was sleep-deprived enough to hallucinate.
By the time Blaine made it to his locker, he felt physically better but more curious than ever about his vivid fantasy. Was that seat in the choir room haunted or something? Maybe he had inadvertently sat down in the exact spot where two parallel universes were colliding and he had seen an alternate universe where everyone was a puppet.
He knew Kurt was working at the diner that afternoon, so he waited until later in the evening to call him. Blaine put the call on speakerphone and folded a load of clean laundry and organized his closet as he talked to Kurt. He wasn't sure how to broach the subject of the puppet hallucination without sounding like he was actually losing his mind, so he asked Kurt about Pamela Lansbury first.
"You got an email about your flight, right?" Kurt asked. "You'll be arriving pretty last-minute, but you should be able to get here at least half an hour before we hit the stage."
"Yes," Blaine confirmed. "I got it, thank you. I'm so excited to see you again... two weeks in a row! Do you have your set list nailed down yet?"
"Mostly," Kurt explained animatedly. "We're still trying to figure out exactly how many songs we should do and the song order – I need to talk to Elliott more about that; he knows about this stuff – but so far we've got: Like A Prayer, Into The Groove, Open Your Heart, Like A Virgin, Dress You Up, and 4 Minutes."
"Who're you going to sing 4 Minutes with?" Blaine wondered.
"Santana," Kurt told him. "And we're still working out which parts of the other songs each of us will sing. I mean, selfishly, I want to sing them all – and I will certainly be heavily featured throughout – but the point of this band is to sound good together. So, I'm trying to relinquish some verses. Do you think we should feature Rachel pretty heavily? There's plenty of chatter about her online now that she's the new Fanny Brice, so why not use that to our advantage?"
"Definitely," Blaine agreed.
"And I told the others already that Dress You Up is mine," Kurt flirted, "because I'm singing that one for you."
Blaine laughed. "I can't wait," he admitted. "You're going to be amazing. Do you know what you're going to wear yet?"
"Eh," Kurt said, "not really. I was thinking we'd try bright 80's-inspired colors, but now I'm thinking maybe just an 80's-inspired look but a little more modern in terms of our color palette."
"Whatever you wear, you're going to look fabulous," Blaine complimented.
"Well, thank you," Kurt said, and Blaine could hear the smile in his voice. "But, sorry, enough rambling about me... how're you? How was glee today?"
Blaine took a deep breath. He had to tell him.
"I... sort of blacked out for the entire class," he confessed. "It was insane, Kurt. I had this weird fantasy about puppets."
"... Fantasy?" Kurt asked suggestively.
"No!" Blaine shook his head even though Kurt couldn't see him. "No, no, not that kind of fantasy. More like a weird hallucination. It was really fun, actually."
"Are you doing drugs?" Kurt worried.
"Kurt!" Blaine scolded.
"Just checking," Kurt said.
"No, I'm not... the point is, something's going on in the back corner of the choir room. I need to find someone else to sit there tomorrow so I can see if it's just me or if it really is haunted."
"Haunted?" Kurt doubted.
"Or, you know, something like that!" Blaine whined.
"Well," Kurt sounded concerned, "be careful, okay? If it happens again, you should tell Mr. Schu."
"Yeah," Blaine lied.
He was going to figure out what was happening to that chair before he told anyone who might disrupt the situation.
BLAINE
The next day, Blaine had an idea as he walked to his arts and crafts class. Maybe he could bring the puppets to life in the real world, so to speak.
"Uh, excuse me, Miss Alfano?" he asked the arts and crafts teacher as she wandered by his seat as the class began. "As much as I've really enjoyed learning about yarn these past three months, I was wondering, since arts and crafts is my senior elective, if maybe I could do my own thing and venture into felt and fabric and even yarn and make... a puppet?"
Miss Alfano did not seem impressed by the idea. "Your request surely begs the question: why on earth would an eighteen year old man want to make a puppet?"
"Well, it's not just any puppet... it's a puppet of my fiancé," Blaine tried to justify his request. "We're six hundred miles apart and, even though I get to see him tomorrow night, I'd really like to see him right now. Even though it might only be in my imagination."
"Fine," the teacher agreed. "Make a puppet."
Blaine smiled a "thank you" and jumped out of his seat to gather the supplies he needed.
"May I experiment with decoupage?" Stoner Brett asked.
"No," Miss Alfano said quickly.
Blaine worked on the puppet through the class period and through lunch, and managed to finish it before he had to move on to his remaining classes of the day. He left the puppet in the arts and crafts room so its glue could finish drying while he was in class, and then went back for it when the school day was over.
He was impressed with his own handiwork when he saw the puppet again after school. It looked like Kurt, as much as a puppet could. He picked it up and carried it down the hallway toward his locker, making up silly conversations between him and Puppet Kurt as he walked.
"I forgave myself a long time ago," he said to the puppet. "I think it's time I forgave you now."
"You are right," he made Puppet Kurt say dramatically. "Please forgive me! In this argument, I don't have a leg to stand on!"
Blaine laughed, pleased with his joke, but paused when he noticed Principal Sylvester walking down the hallway toward him. She had on her usual track suit, but she was wearing stilettos.
She tripped and fell a few feet in front of Blaine, and he rushed to help her up.
"Hey, Principal, uh, Coach, um... jeez, are you okay?" he tried to make sure she hadn't hurt herself as he helped her to her feet. "Oh, what's with the shoes? Man, you have big feet."
"Well, I'm sorry if my femininity threatens you," Sue retorted.
Blaine glanced at Puppet Kurt, trying to think of a joke he could tell to lighten the mood, but he couldn't think of anything.
"What is that?" Sue noticed the puppet for the first time. "Did you just touch me with a puppet?"
"Oh, I made it in crafts class," Blaine said pleasantly.
"Get that thing out of here!" Sue scolded. "I don't ever want to see that thing in my hallway again!"
"What?" Blaine scoffed as Sue walked around him. "You can't just ban puppets!"
"Are you saying that because of the shoes?" Sue challenged, turning back around to face him. "Are you less afraid of me?"
Blaine had no idea why she would assume he cared at all about her shoes, so he just stood there and stared at the principal as she continued.
"In a few days' time, I am going to be evaluated on my abilities to run this school," Sue explained. "And if the school board comes here and sees schizophrenic students, clearly off their meds, talking to puppets... they're going to think I don't have a handle on things!"
She reached out and snatched the puppet away from Blaine.
"Whoa, hey!" Blaine disapproved, reaching his hand out toward Sue as she pulled the puppet away from him. "Hey! Kurt Puppet!"
"This is contraband," Sue said seriously, leveling Blaine with a threatening stare, "and if I catch you with your hand up the butt of anything that isn't human, you're in a world of trouble."
"No– be careful–" Blaine requested, helpless as Sue turned and walked away with Puppet Kurt under her arm.
Blaine pouted as he walked to his locker. Of course Sue had taken his puppet away. This was the worst week ever.
Jake walked past as Blaine finished getting what he needed out of his locker, and he had a sudden idea.
"Jake, hey!" he slammed his locker closed and rushed after Jake as he walked away. "Uh, listen, I just wanted to say thanks for sticking up for me in glee club. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one that really cares about pushing us so we can nail it, you know?"
"Yeah, I know," Jake agreed casually, barely paying attention. "I mean, I'm getting pretty sick of it, too."
"Yeah, look..." Blaine reached out and touched Jake's arm, asking him to stop walking. "I don't know how else to say this, but..." he glanced around to make sure nobody was listening, "there's something going on in the choir room. I don't know if it's haunted or, like, a space-time rift happening, but trust me." He leaned forward slightly and suggested, "Do yourself a favor; sit in the back corner."
Jake looked skeptical.
"It's crazy!" Blaine made a gesture like his mind was being blown before continuing on his way to the choir room.
He made it to the choir room moments before Jake, joining the group in the middle of the room as they prepared to stretch before a dance lesson.
"Dance has never been our strong suit," Mr. Schu explained as Jake walked into the room. "But I think, with Jake's help, we can really kick it up a notch! Jake?"
"What's the point?" Jake wondered as he walked past the group and straight to the chair in the corner.
"I'm sorry?" Mr. Schu replied.
"Seriously, what is the point?" Jake said as he stood by the chair. "I could choreograph a sick dance; none of you can keep up. I mean, half of you can't even do it and won't even try. Why? Because you're not dancers." He sat down in the chair. "So, let's not waste my time. Let's just do another cut-and-paste dance routine that even Tina can pick up."
"You are such a conceited jerk," Marley accused.
"I'm not conceited," Jake argued, shifting in the seat to get more comfortable as he folded his arms across his chest. "I'm bored." Blaine watched him closely, trying not to be too obvious about it.
"Oh, please," Marley scoffed. "We've seen your dance moves. They're fine, not epic!"
Jake didn't answer. He just rolled his eyes and dropped his gaze, like he was done paying attention.
Blaine was so excited he could hardly concentrate as Mr. Schu shook his head, disappointed, and instructed the group to go change into workout clothes and meet him in the auditorium.
Jake didn't follow the group out. He didn't even look up.
There was definitely something crazy going on in that corner of the choir room.
BLAINE
Thursday passed quickly for Blaine. Early in the morning, before school, he snuck into the choir room and sat in the corner for one final test to confirm that there was something mysterious happening. He had a dramatic hallucination about breaking into Sue's office to rescue Puppet Kurt and, when he was startled out of his second major hallucination of the week by the sound of a door slamming in the hallway, he was inspired.
That evening, right before he was due to drive to the airport to fly to New York, he snuck into McKinley and picked the lock of the drawer where Sue kept things that she had taken from students.
He had just slipped his puppet onto his hand, pleased with the success of his mission, when Sue caught him.
"Well, well, well, if it isn't Miss Sally Field and Not-Without-My-Puppet," she said after turning on the lights. "Did you really think I was too stupid to suspect that you would come back here under the cloak of darkness to claim your monstrous puppet bride? You strange, tiny, doe-eyed pervert."
Blaine rolled his eyes.
"Kindly remove your fist from Puppet Hummel's butt," Sue instructed, "and place him gingerly on the desk."
Blaine had to obey. He didn't want to be late to the airport.
"And now report to detention for the rest of the week," Sue offered his punishment for breaking into her office.
"But I'm supposed to fly to New York to see Kurt's first big show!" Blaine resisted, horrified. He wasn't supposed to come back until the following evening, late at night. He couldn't be at detention and in New York at the same time on Friday afternoon.
"Well then, you're going to have to cancel Wonder Woman's invisible jet or whatever magic discount bullet train you kids use for your weekly jaunts to New York," Sue informed him. "Now get out of here! Go feel shame."
Blaine marched past her and out the door. He would just skip detention on Friday and accept the additional week of detention she was likely to tack onto his punishment as a result.
"Oh, and Blaine?" Sue followed him into the hallway. He paused and turned back to face her as she continued. "If you so much as think about skipping town to dodge your detention, I will suspend you for two weeks and make sure your permanent record contains a strongly-worded note about your utter lack of respect for authority."
Blaine swallowed thickly, stuck between the knowledge that not making it to New York was going to hurt Kurt's feelings and the fact that he could not be suspended from school for stealing from the principal if he wanted any chance of getting into NYADA.
Sue pointed at him, trying to drive the threat home, and turned to walk back into her office.
Blaine was emotionally paralyzed.
He drove home instead of to the airport, consumed with anxiety about what he was going to tell Kurt. He would pay Kurt back for the unused plane ticket and the ticket to Pamela Lansbury's show – that wouldn't be a problem – but Kurt was going to be so upset. And there was nothing Blaine could say that would make things better; he had screwed up and he couldn't be there for Kurt on the night of his first ever show with Pamela Lansbury.
He was in such a panic about what he was going to tell Kurt that he lost track of time when he got home and didn't realize it was less than an hour until Pamela Lansbury was supposed to hit the stage until his phone rang and he saw Kurt's name – and the time – on the screen.
KURT
Kurt was equal parts nervous and excited as he finished getting dressed into his Madonna-inspired outfit backstage at Callbacks. He was really doing it. Getting ready to perform with his band for the first time.
He hadn't heard from Blaine, though, which was strange. Not even a text to say that he had arrived.
Kurt decided to call him. Maybe Blaine's phone battery was dead or something. If so, the call would go straight to voicemail.
It didn't. "Hi," Blaine answered.
"Hey!" Kurt said, glad to hear Blaine's voice. "Did you get your ticket that I reserved for you? House left?"
"Kurt, I was going to call you," Blaine said. "Um, please don't be mad, but... I'm not in New York, I'm in Lima."
"Are you kidding?" Kurt realized that I'm in Lima meant that Blaine was going to miss the show. "What happened? Did you miss your flight? Are you okay?"
"No, I'm fine!" Blaine reassured him "I'm just, um, I'm just trying to explain –"
The knowledge that Blaine was okay (and, apparently, had not accidentally missed his flight) let the worried part of Kurt's mind rest and suddenly all he felt was annoyed.
"Yes, why don't you explain!" he snapped. "And it better be a good explanation!"
"Well, Principal Sylvester gave me detention!" Blaine explained, defensive. "And she told me that if I tried to skip it, she was gonna suspend me and put it on my permanent record!"
"Hang on, wait, one second," Kurt couldn't believe this was happening. "And you weren't going to call me?"
"I was trying my best not to hurt you," Blaine told him. "All I did was steal back the Kurt Puppet I made in crafts class!"
"Excuse me?" Kurt asked disbelievingly. "The what puppet? What the hell are you talking about?"
"Uh, I know, it's, uh, it's kind of a weird story," Blaine tried to gloss over the details, "but, basically, I was missing you."
What was going on with Blaine and puppets this week? Kurt was incredibly upset that Blaine hadn't just called earlier that afternoon.
"And is that how you see me?" Kurt snapped. "As a thing of felt and cloth and button eyes that has no feelings? That you can play with and manipulate and then discard whenever you're bored? I'm a person, Blaine! I'm flesh and blood and bone. And this was a really big night for me and I needed you to be here!"
He hung up and tossed his phone onto a nearby vanity.
"Hey," Rachel poked her head in as Kurt tried to calm down.
"We can release Blaine's seat," he told her, bitter about the situation.
"I don't think that's gonna be necessary," Rachel said, grimacing.
Kurt followed her out into the bar and received his second piece of terrible news in as many minutes.
"One person?" he realized, glancing around the empty bar. There was one guy sitting at a table near the wall.
"And he thinks Angela Lansbury's performing," Rachel informed him.
"I told you so," Santana said as Kurt stood frozen, horrified. This was not how he had imagined Pamela Lansbury's first show.
As Santana, Dani, and Elliott turned and walked away, Kurt felt a sudden surge of defiance. So what if only one guy was here to watch them? So what if Blaine didn't even care enough to call him until minutes before the show was supposed to start to let him know he wasn't coming?
If they had to perform for a nearly-empty room, so be it.
It took a five minute shouting match backstage to convince the others that it wasn't a complete waste of their time, but Kurt finally got the rest of the band on board and they went out and did their show for the man at the table by the far wall.
Blaine called later that night, as Kurt was getting ready to take a shower, but Kurt ignored him. He was still too upset to talk about what had happened.
Pamela Lansbury's first show had been a horrible failure and Kurt knew it was probably mostly his fault. He should've listened to the others when they expressed concern over his venue choice. He just wanted so badly for Pamela Lansbury to be his. His band, fueled by his passion.
He shed a few tears in the shower, trying to release some of his disappointment, and then texted Blaine (I'll talk to you tomorrow. Love you.) so Blaine wouldn't lie awake all night before crawling into bed.
BLAINE
Blaine and Kurt texted a few times throughout the following day, mostly to make plans to talk on the phone that evening, and the day felt like it lasted forever for Blaine as he worried about the degree to which he had let Kurt down.
Detention after school was particularly unpleasant. It was just Blaine, Jake (who had started a fight in the courtyard the day before), and Becky (who frequently had detention as a result of her fondness for swearing), alone in a classroom with nothing to do.
"You know," Blaine suggested, twisting around in his seat to look at his classmates after Figgins instructed them to stay put and left the room, "maybe we could use this time to get to know each other a little better. We could sit in a circle on the floor and tell each other about our core wounds?"
"Or you shut your hole!" Becky suggested. "I'm going to college soon. I don't have time for your lame-ass bullcrap."
She stuck her tongue out at him, and Blaine turned back around to sit properly in his chair. He was so done with being dismissed all the time.
"I'm sorry, Blaine Warbler," Becky suddenly spoke again, her voice much kinder this time. "That was totally inappropriate. Please come sit with me."
She was a puppet.
Blaine smiled at her, happy to rediscover his puppet fantasy.
"Sometimes I fly off the handle," Becky explained herself. "Like yesterday, when I taped Dottie's buns together. I did it for my old man. I wanted him to think I was cool."
"That's really heavy Becky," Jake (who was also a puppet) said approvingly, "thanks for sharing. What's going on with you, Blaine?"
"Well, to tell the truth, guys," Blaine said as he stood up and walked over to sit at the same table as his friends, "I feel really, really guilty about missing Kurt's show in New York."
"Why?" Becky asked. "It's a stupid cover band."
"And dude," Jake reminded him, "you go to New York all the time. You were just there last week!"
"True," Blaine acknowledged, "but Kurt needs me."
"We all need you," Jake clarified, "because you are so awesome!"
"Yeah, you're America's gay sweetheart!" Becky complimented.
"Thanks, guys," Blaine smiled at them. "You guys are like my only real friends."
"But we're not real," Becky said. "We're puppets."
"Maybe that's a bad thing," Blaine considered. "Maybe the fact that I can only really feel like myself with friends I can totally control is keeping me from really feeling like I'm close to anyone. Maybe it's indicative of a deeper intimacy issue."
"Or, maybe everyone should just wise up and start doing everything you say because you are so right on all the time!" Jake encouraged him. "By the way, did you notice that you're now having puppet fantasies outside the choir room? That's not normal. Seriously, you might want to get a CAT scan."
Blaine blinked a few times as he felt himself starting to wake up from the fantasy.
"Hello, hello? Wake up!" Jake was standing in front of him as Blaine opened his eyes. "Hey, will you cover for me please? I've got to leave early."
"Uh, yeah, sure," Blaine agreed as he tried to readjust to reality. "Why?"
"It's not important," Jake told him. "Later."
Blaine breathed deeply as he sat up straight in his chair. Was he okay? He felt okay. Maybe this was just his body's reaction to all the stress in his life and it had never had anything to do with the choir room.
"I'll be right back," he said to Becky.
He went to the arts and crafts room and got a bunch of puppet-making supplies. If he had to sit in detention for hours, he didn't plan to waste that time doing nothing. He had already started making puppet versions of all of his classmates, as well as Kurt and the other members of Pamela Lansbury, and he was pretty sure he could finish most of them by the end of detention.
BLAINE
Later that afternoon, when detention was finally over, Blaine took one of his new puppets – Tina's puppet – and went to the auditorium to think and have ridiculous conversations with the new puppet. He sat down on the edge of the stage and considered his strange week.
"Am I okay?" Blaine dramatically narrated his story out loud. "I mean, is this what it feels like to be losing your mind? I'm unraveling. I feel like Mel Gibson in The Beaver."
"More like Mel Gibson in Mad Max!" he made Puppet Tina say as she popped up beside him. "With your abs and your... leather."
"Wait, what leather?" Blaine asked her.
"The leather I was imagining you in when I was rubbing vapor cream all over your smooth, hairless chest," Blaine said for Puppet Tina, as he rubbed the puppet's hand across his chest.
"Tina," Blaine laughed, pretending to be embarrassed, "I'm engaged!"
"Hey, what's going on?" the real Tina suddenly interrupted from behind Blaine.
"Oh!" Blaine leaped to his feet, mortified. "Uh, nothing! I'm just, uh, just clearing my head out, just trying to figure some stuff out."
"Is that supposed to be me?" Tina asked, noticing the puppet Blaine was trying to hide behind his body.
"What?" Blaine scoffed. "That's– that's crazy."
"She has Asian eyes and my exact dress," Tina observed.
"Total coincidence!" Blaine denied it.
Tina folded her arms and stared at him.
"Not everything is about you, Tina!" Blaine scolded.
She raised her eyebrows at him, and Blaine gave up.
"What do you want?" he asked, embarrassed.
"I just wanted to let you know that everybody feels bad," Tina explained as she walked over to stand near Blaine. "We spent pretty much the whole glee session discussing how much pressure you're under with Nationals, graduation..."
"...the engagement," Blaine reminded her.
"You were just trying to exert some control," Tina suggested, "and the truth is you should have some. You've earned it."
Blaine was very pleasantly surprised.
"Sam suggested you should have the lead on one of the songs at Nationals," Tina continued, "so we took a vote and it was unanimous. Piano, a cappella, whatever you think is right."
"Thanks, Tina," Blaine said, grateful that she and the other members of New Directions had decided to trust him. Maybe Kurt had been right; they had just needed some time to get used to his ideas.
"Of course," Tina acknowledged before dropping her gaze to the puppet. "So, if you're done being a puppet master, do you think you could take your hand out from under my dress?"
"Uh," Blaine moved quickly but gently, sliding the puppet off his hand.
"Yeah," Tina approved.
"Uh, sorry about that," Blaine apologized as he handed the puppet to Tina.
"Thanks," Tina replied.
"I'm gonna kinda miss having a Kurt puppet, though," Blaine confessed as he and Tina walked out of the auditorium together. "He did anything I said."
"Anything?" Tina had her puppet speak for her, holding it close to Blaine's face.
"Alright, settle down, Puppet Tina, okay..." Blaine protested as Tina continued. "Blainey Days..."
They stopped by the arts and crafts room on the way to the choir room so Blaine could get the box full of puppets he had stored there.
"Guys, I just wanted to apologize to all of you," Blaine told New Directions a few minutes later. "I've been a little bit controlling lately and it's not cool. I've made some changes, though, and I've learned that sometimes you just need to let go. Cut the strings, so to speak."
"I bet you'll still be bossy as hell," Kitty criticized.
"Actually, I hope to be more of a leader as opposed to being just bossy, Kitty," Blaine told her.
She was not convinced.
"So," Blaine ignored her doubt, turning to grab the box full of puppets, "to celebrate this new laissez-faire Blaine, I've made some felt peace offerings."
Everyone got up and hurried to gather around the large box and receive their puppets. Reactions ranged from extremely enthusiastic to slightly creeped out, but everyone was game for a song in the auditorium with the puppets.
Just before he reached the door to the hallway, Finn's plaque caught Blaine's eye and he paused beside it, studying his friend's face.
Finn would've loved the puppets.
"The show must go... all over the place... or something," Blaine read the quote on Finn's plaque aloud and thought about when he had first joined New Directions. He and Finn had butted heads for months, as Finn had struggled with jealousy and Blaine had struggled to adjust to how different New Directions was than the Warblers. And then, after a confrontation in the locker room when Blaine had finally reached an emotional breaking point, they had become dear friends. Finn had trusted him as a leader.
Blaine sighed heavily as he walked out the door into the hallway.
New Directions had put him in charge of one of the songs for Nationals... maybe he could find a way to honor Finn with his selection.
KURT
That evening, after a blissfully long shower to wash the city and the diner off of his body, Kurt made himself some tea and curled up in a chair in the living room to call Blaine.
"Hey," Blaine answered quickly, like he had been waiting by the phone.
"Hi," Kurt said, glad to hear Blaine's voice.
"I'm so sorry about yesterday," Blaine said before Kurt could decide what he wanted to say. "I should've called sooner."
"Yes, you should have" Kurt agreed. "But I'm sorry, too. I shouldn't have shouted."
"I wanted to be there so badly, Kurt," Blaine stressed. "But, if Sue suspended me, I don't think I'd get into NYADA and I didn't want to risk all of our future plans, even though it killed me not to be there."
Kurt sighed. "I know," he understood. "I wasn't upset because you weren't coming. Disappointed, yes, but the anger was because... why didn't you just call me as soon as she threatened you with the suspension?"
"I... I didn't know how to tell you," Blaine said nervously. "I got home and it was like my mind blacked out and suddenly you were calling and it was almost time for the show."
"How you tell me is you just call," Kurt said firmly. "I'm not fragile; I can handle you telling me that you can't come to my show."
"I know," Blaine said quickly. "I know, of course. How was the show?"
"It was a disaster," Kurt explained. "Well, actually, the show was great – we sounded great – but there was exactly one person in the audience. It's like everyone passing by saw that the bar was mostly empty and assumed that they were closed or something."
He huffed out an annoyed breath, and Blaine whined unhappily. "I can't believe I wasn't there to cheer you on," Blaine said sadly.
"It's alright," Kurt said, and he meant it. "I mean, I always prefer for you to be there, obviously, but it wasn't the triumphant debut I had imagined for Pamela Lansbury."
"Well," Blaine said, "don't give up, okay? Did the one guy who was there like the show?"
"I think so," Kurt said. "He gave us a standing ovation, anyway. And no, I'm not giving up on Pamela Lansbury just yet. We just need to... regroup."
"Good," Blaine approved of Kurt's attitude.
"So," Kurt asked, "other than detention, how was your day? And what did you mean when you were talking about a puppet when you called last night?"
"Remember how I had that weird hallucination about puppets?" Blaine reminded him.
"Yes," Kurt recalled their conversation earlier in the week.
"I figured out what caused it," Blaine said.
"Are you okay?" Kurt worried.
"It was a gas leak!" Blaine said dramatically.
"A gas leak?" Kurt gasped. "Blaine, that's not funny at all. You could've died."
"I guess it wasn't that kind of gas," Blaine reassured him. "It didn't have a scent or anything, obviously, and I guess it just makes you kind of high."
"Oh my god," Kurt shook his head in disbelief. "The school had a gas leak so severe that it caused you to hallucinate and they're not doing anything about it?"
"Well, they fixed it," Blaine said, like that was enough.
"Are you sure there aren't any permanent side effects?" Kurt asked. "I mean, Blaine, you blacked out for all of glee club."
"Apparently it's fine," Blaine told him. "Once it's out of your system, you're good as new."
"So... you hallucinated this puppet that you 'stole' from Sue?" Kurt tried to figure out what had happened, exactly, to keep Blaine from coming to New York.
"No," Blaine clarified. "After the first hallucination, I decided to make some puppets in crafts class. So, I made a puppet of you first, of course."
"Oh," Kurt wasn't sure how to feel about that.
"Anyway," Blaine continued, "Sue saw me with it in the hallway and she took it from me, so I went to steal it back and she caught me."
"Right," Kurt understood. Kind of.
"So," Blaine wondered after a brief silence, "we're okay?"
"Yes," Kurt confirmed. "We're okay."
"I love you," Blaine said sweetly.
Kurt shook his head, marveling at their crazy week.
"I love you, too."
KURT
On Monday, Kurt got an unexpected phone call as he was walking out of his final class of the day.
It was a guy who worked at the Williamsburg Music Hall.
A guy who wanted to talk to Kurt about booking a show for Pamela Lansbury.
Kurt sent a text to Rachel, Elliott, Santana, and Dani – Emergency Pamela Lansbury meeting! Very important. – and stopped at the Williamsburg Music Hall to talk to the man in person before rushing back to the loft.
Rachel, Santana, and Elliott were there when he arrived.
"...and artists should be allowed to fail," Elliott was in the midst of saying when Kurt slid the door to the loft open.
"Who says we failed?" Kurt said pleasantly, stepping into the loft. "Cronuts, anyone?" he offered, setting the box of pastries down on the coffee table.
"Hi!" Rachel greeted him. She sounded a little cautious, like she was trying to judge Kurt's mental state. For the two of them, baked goods were usually comfort food.
"Oh, this?" Kurt explained the cronuts. "No big deal. Just a little token from the booking agency of the Williamsburg Music Hall... which is the location of our second gig!"
"What?" Rachel gasped. "Are you serious?"
"How?" Elliott asked.
"Okay, true, we only had one audience member at our last show," Kurt reminded them. "But, it happened to be the right audience member. Because, not only was he a devoted Angela Lansbury fan, but he also liked what he saw, made a secret bootleg, and passed it along to his nephew who works at the –"
"– Williamsburg Music Hall!" Elliott finished with him. "Which also just happens to be –"
"One of the hottest music venues in Brooklyn!" Santana said, pleased. "Good work, fearless leader!"
"Well, it wasn't just me," Kurt acknowledged. "It was also a lot of luck. And you guys. Because, you know, whether Pamela Lansbury implodes or explodes, I really have to thank you guys for sticking by me."
Someone knocked on the door frame before anyone could reply, and Kurt turned to see a delivery man holding a large box.
"Uh, package for Kurt Hummel," the man explained.
"Thank you," Kurt took the box from him. "Oh, it's from Blaine!" he realized as he set it down on the coffee table. "He sent us a gift to say sorry for missing the performance the other night."
"That's so nice!" Rachel approved.
Kurt opened the box and they all peered in.
"Okay, that is creepy as hell," Santana criticized.
"Is there one for each of us?" Rachel wondered.
The box was full of puppets.
Kurt glanced at his friends, wondering if maybe Blaine had gone a little crazy after inhaling all that gas.
"Okay," Elliott laughed, "this is insane, but also pretty awesome."
Kurt stepped away to call Blaine.
"We got your puppets!" he laughed as soon as Blaine answered the phone. "Oh my god."
"Do you like them?" Blaine hoped.
"Yes," Kurt decided. "They're sweet. Thank you."
"You're welcome," Blaine said.
"Wait," Kurt suddenly realized, "is this the puppet of me that you tried – and failed – to steal back from Sue?"
Blaine laughed. "Yes," he confirmed.
"But...?" Kurt was pretty sure the story of Blaine getting detention had ended with Sue in possession of the puppet.
"The whole reason Sue took the puppet from me was because she was worried about the school board review of her performance as principal," Blaine explained, "and, well... it's done now."
"You stole it back," Kurt smiled, hearing the pride in Blaine's voice.
"Yeah," Blaine said happily.
"Oh!" Kurt realized Blaine didn't know his good news yet. "Guess what?"
"What?" Blaine played along.
"Pamela Lansbury has a second gig lined up!" Kurt announced. "We're still working out the details in terms of when, but..."
"I'll be there," Blaine said immediately. "And Kurt?"
"Yes?" Kurt smiled. He knew what Blaine was going to say.
"I'll call you if I can't make it."
Up next... 5x08: Previously Unaired Christmas. I've got something a little different planned. Keep an open mind. ;)