A/N: For those curious, the song Mabel plays is Ice, by Camel. An amazingly powerful little tune, and one of my favourite bits of music.
...
The dance was only a few days away, and Mabel hadn't talked to him in a week.
Of course, he'd wasted a few days not talking to her, assuming she'd calm down and they'd talk it over. When it had finally sunk in, he realised that was just another thing he was going to have to apologise for. He never really thought about how much he took for granted that she'd do certain things, be certain ways, for him.
When he'd finally come to accept she wasn't going to just forget he'd been, well, a bastard, talk things out and see it his way, he knew he'd left it too long to hope to get away with an apology. She'd issued the ultimatum; he was going to have to choose.
He wandered the noticeably emptier corridors of the school, hands buried in his pockets. A lot of people just stopped turning up around this time, but he had nothing better to do. It was just another thing he'd taken for granted about his sister. Dipper was beginning to realise how much time to fill there was in a day, or a week, when he didn't spend most of it with her.
What had he been thinking, why had he done it? At one point he'd thought he was doing the right thing, but that was an easy thing to think when you expected your sister to go along with whatever you said, assuming she would simply be thinking the same thing. Had he really so habitually taken her for granted? The bitter thoughts ran wild in his mind.
A few days ago, he'd come home to find the woman whose house they lived in, what was her name? Oh yeah, mom. He'd come in to find their mom in the midst of one of her pick-on-Mabel moods, only she was even more drunk than usual…for the time of day, anyway.
He'd moved to step between them as he usually did, and guide the woman aside, but Mabel had fixed him with a stare and he'd stopped in his tracks. He'd been expecting an angry rebuttal, an argument, or something. But she ignored their mother's hysterics, replying only once, calmly.
"I'm leaving mom." She'd said, eyes fixed on him. "Don't expect me to always be around for you to feel better about yourself." Then she'd walked past both of them on her way out without a word.
If that hadn't been a hint then…well, there was not getting around the fact it was a hint. He'd barely seen her since then, she avoided him at home. And at school, she stayed pretty exclusively with her friends. And people noticed.
They really had always been together. The amount of times he'd played off concerned questions and remarks on the fact they had been avoiding each other for a week was telling.
There were two things he was sure of, now, at the end of this week.
The first was he had a lot to change about himself in their relationship. He'd assumed so much, taken so much, he shut his thoughts away and didn't talk them out, he let them fester and…and Mabel was right, he was afraid. And he did overthink things, and he was guilt-ridden, and now he was even more guilt-ridden, and now he was overthinking again and he knew it and…
He had to stop for a minute, leaning against a wall, trying to get his thoughts straight. This was going to be the death of him.
"Hey dude, you alright?"
He looked up, rubbing his head. Nick was looking at him, brow furrowed in worry.
"Yeah." He replied, not believing it. It didn't look like Nick did either.
"Do you mind if I say something man?"
"No." Dipper stood back up, the two began an easy stroll down the hall.
"It's about you and Mabel."
"Uh-huh." Well he'd expected that, he mused, trying not to wince.
"It's pretty obvious to…well…everybody that something is…off."
"Yup." He replied, curtly. He knew he was being childish.
Nick didn't rise to it though, nodding slowly instead, as if his answer had told him everything.
"Neither of you have been yourselves all week dude, what happened?"
His ears picked up the echoes of music. They wandered toward the school's small auditorium, used for speeches, the drama students and the occasional band. He already knew who'd be there.
"We…um…had a falling out." He murmured, as they came to the door.
Mabel was on the stage, with the band. They'd obviously been given the room to practice, seeing as it was hardly used around this time of year. Nick didn't even question what they were doing here as they took a seat near the back and watched.
"What about?"
He glanced at his friend, sorry that he'd never be able to tell him the full story. He was a good friend, but nobody could ever know.
"About college," He settled on part of the truth, after a brief mental struggle. ", we-…she wanted…she thought we'd be going to college together."
"You mean you're not?"
"I…don't know. I mean, I thought it might be good for us to do our own thing…for a few years." He frowned, more aware than before of just how stupid that did sound out loud.
"What actually happened then?"
"I was…looking at other colleges and didn't tell her, but I meant to. I just…I don't know."
Nick smiled sympathetically, patting his shoulder.
"For someone so smart Dipper, you really can be a fucking idiot sometimes."
"That's what Mabel always says."
"Well your sister is right, dude." He grinned. "Why didn't you want to go together?"
"I don't really know anymore, I thought I did, but now it just seems so stupid. And I've really pissed her off and…"
They turned their attention to the stage as the music changed. Mabel had seen him and had started playing something else entirely, much to the general confusion of her band. He recognised the tune of Ice, a few notes in. She kept glancing at him as she played, while talking quietly with the other girl, Lucy, he thought her name was. Gradually the rest of them seemed to pick up the song.
"What…?" Nick queried, turning to him.
"She only plays that when she's…uh…really upset." He muttered, not taking his eyes off the stage.
Dipper knew that well enough. He'd sat with her while she played it enough times after a particularly bad shouting match with mom, or a rough day at school, or…
…or like now, after your brother and…whatever…tried to tell you you just didn't know any better, you didn't know what you were saying, you didn't know what you were feeling, it was all in your head, it was all just confusion and mixed up.
But all the time he'd been trying to tell himself that, convince himself of that because he was so scared, so scared of what he felt for her and he didn't know what to do. He didn't know what the future meant for them and in a moment's weakness he'd chucked it all aside and hurt Mabel more than he ever had, more than he could bear.
"Jeez, she's incredible…" Nick mumbled as she hit the second half of the song.
"Yeah." He replied, quietly, meaning it in ways Nick would never understand.
She'd stopped looking now, instead shutting out everyone around her as she played. He was pretty sure her eyes were watering.
The band kept looking up at him, expecting him to go down there and do something. Then the expressions changed, he realised, and they were wondering why he wasn't going down there to do something.
Pretty soon they'd be wondering if he wasn't going down there to do something because this was something to do with him. Then they'd jump to the correct conclusion that it was something to do with him because it was his fault.
They were already glancing up at him with fairly suspicious frowns.
Mabel was winding up to the songs finish, not exactly playing anymore so much as just thrashing the life out of her guitar. His stomach turned to mush as he watched, and his blood turned to ice. It seemed a fitting metaphor, for what he'd put her through.
What the hell could he do though? He'd…fucked this up so beyond all imagining, as far as he could see. It wasn't just a matter of apologising, was it? He didn't think he deserved anything so simple, the idea of her forgiving him was almost as terrifying as the inevitability that she wouldn't.
He got to his feet, trying to ignore the eyes he felt watching him. Nicks, those on the stage…Mabel's…
It had all seemed to easy, before. Even though it was confusing and scary and like stumbling in the dark before they finally accepted the way they felt about each other, but easy even still, compared to this.
The dance was in two days, he had to work this out.