AN: Another Princess Mary songfic, this time to Big Big Girl by Emilia. Set in January 1536 and imagining that Henry's visit to Hatfield when he bows to Mary happened at the same time, not years earlier. Enjoy!
I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
But I do do feel that
I do do will miss you much
Miss you much...
Hoof beats on the cobbles beneath the balcony leading from her tiny room broke into Mary's prayers. This was it. If she didn't go now, she'd not see him. Not see her father. Her father.
"He doesn't want you, Mary. He doesn't want you, remember? You heard him with Elizabeth. She's his rose now, not you. According to him, she's the one who will rule over Empires, not you. Do you really want to see him?"
A little voice started up in her head, trying to keep her in the room, trying to keep her true to herself; to the way her mother had taught her to act, as a regal Princess, rather than a girl desperate for her father's love.
But Mary wasn't just her mother's daughter. She was her father's daughter too. She was a Tudor and the Tudors couldn't live without feeling loved. Unable to help herself, she sprang up from where she was kneeling by her bed and rushed outside. Her father was just mounting up.
"Turn round, please! Papa, please!" Mary begged him, the words slipping from her lips before she could stop them. Luckily, they came out too quietly to ever have a hope of reaching his ears. She hadn't broken her promise to her mother after all. She hadn't let her father see how weak he'd made her.
But then he turned round. He turned round and looked straight up at her. Their eyes met for the first time since he'd banished her from Court all those years ago.
Mary saw something flicker in his eyes and held her breath. Would he? Would he come back into the Palace and call her to him? Spend time with her the way he had just spent time with little Elizabeth?
No. Instead, he merely swept out an arm and inclined his head to her, bowing to her as he might to any other lady of high rank he was dancing with. Mary watched him go down into the bow and automatically curtsied back. As she did so, she felt a frisson of ice cold air swirl around her so that she couldn't suppress a shiver. A leaf, pale yellow like the winter sun she was standing under, drifted into her field of vision.
I can see the first leaf falling
It's all yellow and nice
It's so very cold outside
Like the way I'm feeling inside
I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
But I do do feel that
I do do will miss you much
Miss you much...
Half-watching it, half-watching her father as he touched his heels to his horse's sides and cantered away, Mary suddenly remembered the first time her father had ridden away from her like this. But everything had been different then. Everything.
She had been ten years old and the darling Pearl of her father's world. She'd just been given her own household at Ludlow in the Welsh Marches, as befitted the Princess of Wales. Her parents had taken her on progress with them and then left her at Ludlow. Her mother had kissed her, told her she loved her and to be good for Lady Salisbury before Papa had encouraged her to go and wait in the carriage. She had obeyed him, and the two of them had been left alone in the room.
Ignoring Protocol, she had flung herself at him, sobbing wildly, "Don't leave me, Papa, please! Can't I come back to London with you? I'll be good, I'll work really hard; do everything Lady Salisbury and Señor Vives tell me! Honestly! Just let me come back, please!"
He had wrapped her in his arms and knelt down to her height, "I know you will, my pearl. I know you'd do that wherever you were. But I need you to stay here."
"Why? Why can't I come back with you?"
"Because you're not a little girl anymore. You're nearly a woman now, Mary."
"But I don't want to be! I want to be your little girl!"
"Oh, you'll always be my little girl. That won't change, I promise. But you're old enough now to help me."
"Help you?" Surprised to hear her Papa, her wonderful, brave, omnipotent Papa asking for her help, Mary stopped crying and looked at him with wide eyes. He chuckled and chucked her lightly under the chin, "That's better. Yes, I need your help. You see, I need to be in London a lot of the time, but England's a lot bigger than just London and sometimes people London outside get a bit upset because they can't see me. That's why we go on Progress in the summer, so people outside London can see me. But I still can't be everywhere at once, so I'm hoping that if you stay here in Wales, the Welsh will be happier because they can see their Princess. Will you do that for me, Mary? Will you stay here and help me keep the Welsh happy? Please?"
"Of course, Papa!" Mary assured him, proud that he now thought of her as old enough to help him and determined to prove him right. Pulling away from his hold, she drew herself up, "You can count on me, Papa."
"I know I can, my pearl. Now, dry those tears and come and wave me off from the balcony, hmm?"
Fresh tears welled up in Mary as her father prepared to leave her, but remembering what he had just said about her being old enough to help him, she choked them back and nodded, mustering a smile as he left the room.
She hurried out to the balcony and, when he, having seen her mother settled and mounted up himself, glanced up, she was already prepared, offering him the widest, bravest smile she could manage as she raised a hand in a courteous farewell.
"Good girl," he mouthed up at her, "I'm proud of you, darling." Then he kicked his horse away and was gone.
Outside it's now raining
And tears are falling from my eyes
Why did it have to happen
Why did it all have to end
I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
But I do do feel that
I do do will miss you much
Miss you much...
Mary's vision blurred and she had to duck back into her room and bury her head in her eiderdown so as not to risk anyone seeing her cry. She couldn't act this way! She was a Princess of England and a woman of marriageable age besides. Tears were for a child of little Elizabeth's age, not her! Surely, she, who had been the girl who never cried in childhood, could control herself now!
"Even if he hadn't put your mother aside, even if you were still a Princess, you'd be in France or Spain or Portugal by now. You'd be a Queen, a mother. You wouldn't be his little girl. So why are you crying over him leaving without saying goodbye?"
The hateful voice had started up again, and Mary shook her head, trying to block it out. She knew the logic, had been through it a thousand times, but it didn't help. Everything was different. If she'd been a Queen, she would have had a household to run, a new country to become accustomed to, a husband to get to know. But without them; without that to distract her, all she could do was to bite her lip hard against the tears and try to keep anyone from noticing how she was feeling.
I have your arms around me ooooh like fire
But when I open my eyes
You're gone...
All of a sudden, Mary felt something she hadn't felt in ages. Her mother's arms came round her, embracing her. Mary scarcely dared to breathe, so scared she was hallucinating, but when she did inhale, she smelt the mixture of sandalwood and jasmine perfumes her mother had always favoured.
"Mama," she breathed.
"Yes, hija mia. I'm here. I'm here, Cielo."
Mary went to look round, but her mother's arms tightened around her in reprimand, "No, don't look, Maria. Just trust that I'm here. I'll always be here for you, no matter what. I may be physically a long way from you, but in thought, you are very close by. Remember that."
"Yes, Mama."
"And remember who you are. The daughter of Katherine of Aragon and King Henry VIII. The granddaughter of Isabella and Ferdinand and the Peacemaker King. No one can take that from you, no matter how much they might want to. No one. Not even your father's expensive whore. Understand?"
"Yes, Mama."
"Good girl. So don't fear them. You're a warrior, cielo. Just like your grandmother Isabella. Remind your father of that, but don't disobey him. Just remind him by refusing to give in. Our marriage was valid and you are the one and only true Princess of England. Hold on to that."
"I will, Mama."
"Good girl. I love you."
"I love you too, Mama."
Mary couldn't help herself. She pushed herself to her feet and glanced round, knowing it was impossible, but still somehow hoping that her mother had escaped captivity and come to find her; come to find her and sweep her away with her to Spain, away from her father's cruelty.
But the room was empty. Of course. It had never been anything else. She'd imagined her mother; created her out of memories and unfulfilled longings. She'd known it all along really. Yet, somehow, because the image had been so vivid, it was as bad as losing her mother all over again.
Mary collapsed as her heart broke all over again. Her regal demeanour shattered and a storm of tears possessed her, draining her dry.
It wasn't until years later, when she was back at Court and back in her father's favour that Mary found out, at exactly the same time as she had imagined her mother, her mother had had a vision of her. That her mother had died with a smile on her face and Mary's own name on her lips.
I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
But I do do feel that
I do do will miss you much
Miss you much...
I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
But I do feel I will miss you much