a/n: This scene follows right after Bad Dream and was something narusasuftw on y-gal suggested, so I wrote it for her.
It hadn't been easy for him to fall asleep, but what little sleep he did get had been filled with restless dreams. Not more than two hours must have passed since they'd returned to bed. Their arms and legs were tangled together, with Sasuke's nose brushing the back of Naruto's neck, as if he'd tried to burrow into him while sleeping. Despite having woken earlier this morning, Naruto was typically a heavy sleeper and judging by the even way his chest rose and fell, he was still fast asleep. Carefully, Sasuke withdrew his arms from around his boyfriend and rolled onto his back. He stared at the window, where shafts of blue-grey light appeared in the gaps of the blinds. It seemed like it was going to be a gloomy day, and for some reason, Naruto's dream had left the seed for something that now felt like a heavy weight inside his chest, and it only grew the longer he stayed in bed, listening to Naruto's quiet breathing and occasional soft snores.
He got out of bed. The room was somewhat cold, so he went to his dresser and got out a pair of old sweat pants and a hooded sweatshirt. Sasuke walked over to the desk, where beside his laptop, was a stack of demo CDs he needed to listen to before they flew to Seattle tomorrow. He gave one more glance at Naruto, just to make sure he was still asleep. The sheet was pulled up to his waist, revealing the wide, bronzed plane of his back and shoulders; he had one of the pillows shoved against his stomach, curling up against it as if cuddling it. Naruto's bright blond hair lay scattered across the pillow, already sticking up in the back in that wild way Sasuke found extremely charming.
Almost holding his breath, Sasuke gathered his laptop, the stack of CDs, and a pair of Bose headphones he used specifically for work. He opened and then closed the door behind him, wanting Naruto to sleep in as much as possible. It was so early, not even Ollie was up. He was probably in the other bedroom, sleeping on top of the comforter or hiding away in the closet as he often liked to do. After setting everything onto the coffee table, Sasuke went into the kitchen to boil some water for a mug of tea. When it was ready, he poured just a dash of milk in and stirred while tiredly watching the rising swirls of steam.
It was Friday, so it was the last day he had to cram some work in before they'd be flying to Seattle. It was rare he took time off. Work was important to him. Not particularly because he was a workaholic, but like with other distractions he tended to gravitate toward, work had the ability to ground him. He liked his job, he'd been doing it a long time, and he was good at it. Having a sense of responsibility - rather than pile on the stress - had a rather calming effect on him. Maybe another reason why he hadn't been able to sleep well after they'd gone to bed was that Naruto's odd dream made him reflect on his own anxieties about the trip, about his brother, and about sharing this part of himself with Naruto. He'd asked Naruto to go, almost on a whim. Sometimes he considered - beyond wanting his partner to be there - that this would also be a significant test for their relationship. Nevertheless, it was something he didn't want to dwell on or dig too deeply into. It wasn't that he thought this relationship they'd built together - one that almost seemed too perfect in comparison to past relationships - was doomed to fail. He didn't believe that, and he didn't want it to fail. In fact, the thought of returning from Seattle and not having Naruto in his life... not having Naruto love him anymore... not being able to love Naruto... it terrified him. So, Sasuke pushed it back, somewhere even he wouldn't be able to analyze or pick apart. If he did that now, he wouldn't be able to hold it together in order to deal with Itachi and with the possibility of losing one of the most important people he had left: his only real family.
He knew, deep in his heart, that no matter how much he cared for Naruto, how much he loved him, the loss of his brother would have an unpredictable effect on him. Or, perhaps, it wasn't entirely unpredictable. He feared the idea so much that he refused to bring it up with Naruto; he refused to even think about it further now.
Grabbing his mug, he padded from the kitchen to the living room and settled onto the couch. He powered on his laptop and plugged in the headphones. He sorted through the demos according to genre and opened up a word document so he could write notes as he listened to the music. The demos typically came with no more than three tracks. Some bands had a more professionally recorded sound, but sometimes he also got raw recordings that sounded as if it was done in the artist's bathroom. The professional quality of the recordings didn't have much of an influence on the demos he ended up suggesting be promoted by his company. Sasuke had long ago learned to have an ear for talent, no matter how raw. He went through each demo and track methodically, typed out a few lines describing his immediate impressions of the songs - both negative and positive. A lot of the demos came with a bio of the band, its members, and their performance history. It always helped if the band had a following to begin with and was somewhat active on social media already - although if his company decided to work with them, they would be assigned someone to do marketing for them. Sasuke didn't necessarily take charge of a band just because he pushed them through, but he was rather good at assigning the perfect staff member depending on the dynamic of the band, their background, or style of music. He was known for choosing bands that would go on to do fairly well, and he never begrudged them when they went on to sign with bigger labels. All business encounters made for good contacts, and his reputation had only grown in the industry over the years.
The first three demos he listened to all had some promise. Demo 1 reminded him of the band Animal Collective, which he'd scouted after the release of their first top-selling LP a few years ago while hanging around in Baltimore. It was a sort of psychedelic, experimental rock with songs full of strange textures. The second was a lot of simple acoustic guitar, but it was ultimately fantastic, with a lingering melancholy that reminded him of Elliot Smith. Sasuke even thought it might be an artist he would take personal responsibility for if he could rearrange some of his upcoming events. The third demo - and he was on the second track now while also typing out e-mails and updating his professional blog - was something like a less-hipster version of Grizzly Bear. The lyrics were earnest, and the accompaniment wasn't overbearing - just a touch of piano, drums, and a mandolin. The fourth demo reflected that sort of Brit-pop-grunge vibe he got when listening to Evans the Death, which had unfortunately allied up with Fortuna Pop a year ago even though he'd had a chance to interact with the vocalist at least a couple of times while in England.
It wasn't until the sixth demo that the sound took a more dramatic plunge, and he put aside his e-mails just to stare at the open word document. He lay back against the sofa, with one foot propped on the corded edge of the cushion and - listened. Okay, yeah, this was good. A catchy, not quite dubstep backtrack and sultry Gothic vocals like Maya Postepski after she left the more poppy Austra for her new band Trust; yet it carried all the sensual intensity of The Weeknd. Sasuke closed his eyes and reclined his head. Once he was through with all three songs, he played them again and put them on a loop. Often times with music, he slipped so easily into "work-mode" and just listed through the technical aspects of the music in his mind, considering their marketability as much as their talent, and then there were times he heard music. The kind that brought him back to his days in Seattle when he used to stay out all night and hit the club scene, network with the upcoming bands before he even knew what it meant to network. He wasn't so much a groupie as an avid collector of talent - beautiful sounds and equally beautiful people that he wanted to mould and then promote to the world.
He hadn't known anything about the industry when he'd turned 18 and had become more interested in it than he had any of his physics or chemistry courses at the university. When his parents died, it was in the back of his mind that they would've wanted him to continue his education, but two years into the degree, he just... couldn't do it. It had been Itachi who'd urged him to do what he wanted. Sasuke could've easily worked at Itachi's brokerage, but it wasn't what he wanted at all even if he could've been set for life. He could've been a millionaire before the age of 25, but none of it fit. Maybe all the experiences that had come thereafter hadn't been entirely innocent, but at least they'd been character-building to say the least.
Sasuke lost track of how many times the songs had repeated and got lost thinking about his brother. He might've even called him had Seattle not been two hours behind. It was barely 6.30 a.m. here. The light continued to bleed blue-grey into the apartment, spreading across the carpet and reaching the edge of the couch, covering half of his foot while the other half maintained an ashen shade amidst the remaining shadows. If Itachi hadn't pushed so hard for him to just do whatever made him happy and then pushed him again to move to the East Coast when he'd been reluctant about moving so far away from his brother, where would he be now? Or maybe had he never left Seattle, he would've been there for his brother when all that legal bullshit went down and Itachi insisted on being a martyr for yet another sleazy CEO that cared more about his own bottom line than the company's.
The hand that had been lying limply on his thigh moved up to, somewhat unconsciously, lay flat against his chest. There was a clenching feeling around his heart, and just for a moment, he lost himself to the despair and hopelessness that came with imagining his brother locked away for 25 to 30 years for a crime that he hadn't even committed. At one time, his brother had been his whole world. Itachi had been perfect in every respect even if Sasuke never would've admitted it as he grew older.
The music continued to play, and alone in the living room, as the sun struggled to rise from behind the wall of darkening clouds, he broke down and could think of no way to stop it. He sunk lower on the couch and threw his arm over his eyes, engaging only with the flashes of sensory-induced images that tied the music and his current state of mind while also winding up everything he'd been feeling over the past couple of weeks together. Coupled with Naruto's own admitted foreboding about the near future, he just didn't know how to handle it right now. He only knew that by tomorrow, he better get his shit together and not show even a glimpse of his anxieties to Naruto.
If he lost Naruto because of what might soon unfold, he felt like he'd lose everything he'd been trying to work toward these past few months. Naruto made him want to be a better version of himself because it was Naruto who believed him to be that person already. He needed Naruto. So much so, that thinking about it along with the very real threat of losing his brother was starting to make him wonder if he was going crazy. The sense of responsibility he'd said was something he needed to ground himself might also be his undoing. How could he deal with what he knew he was going to go through in Seattle while shielding Naruto from it? How would Naruto react if he could see just how broken down Sasuke could get because he wasn't near as strong and together as Naruto thought him to be? Sasuke knew it was his fault for wanting to hide his flaws and insecurities from him, but if Naruto could see who he really was, there's no way he would want to stay with Sasuke, and... to lose that bond and go back to the way he was? It horrified him on such a level that a panic began to swell inside of him, making his heart race.
But there was also a part of him that believed so long as Itachi's verdict came out favorable, even if he lost Naruto in the process... the world would still go on. He survived somehow before ever meeting Naruto. Even if he hadn't ever before felt the peace he now did just by being with Naruto. Or, rather, he felt more like who he really should be when Naruto let him stay at his side. Because Naruto was all these things Sasuke wasn't and yet Naruto had still chosen him, wanted to be with him,lovedhim, and was considered worthy of Naruto's love. These were things that made him feel like nothing he'd ever experienced in life. It made him feel awe. It made him feel humbled.
The tracks repeated for what was probably the sixth or seventh time. Although his eyes were shut tight, there was a sense that the light in the room was retreating. The sky grew more overcast and a splattering of soft rain began to hit against the window. He wanted to go back in the bedroom and crawl into bed with Naruto, wake him, and have his boyfriend wrap his arms around him and reassure him everything was going to be alright. Yet, he couldn't fight the feeling that it should be hisjob to reassure Naruto, to make sure this wouldn't be what broke them, or made Naruto realize that being with Sasuke wasn't worth what he had to give up to date another man.
It crushed him to think of Naruto letting him go, of Naruto ever hating him for something he might do, or if he were ever to finally realize just how empty Sasuke was on the inside no matter how much he tried to pretend otherwise. He'd fooled Naruto so far, but if Naruto saw the real him should things go wrong or become too stressful with Itachi - he couldn't expect anyone to put up with the bullshit he knew he could pull because he'd done the exact same thing after his parents died. He could see it so clearly in his head even if he didn't want it to happen. He'd end up pushing Naruto away, treat him like shit and make him think he deserved it just so Sasuke could protect himself from being the one to get hurt first.
The tears got caught up in his eyelashes, never making it to the curve of his cheek. He never heard the bedroom door open, nor did he sense the approaching presence, so when he felt the warm press of a hand gently set down on his forehead, his eyes went wide.
The blue eyes staring down at him instantly darkened with concern. The initial smile of greeting changed to a troubled frown.
"Sasuke…?" Naruto's fingers lightly brushed his cheek and made to remove the headphones.
Sasuke stopped him before he could do it, downplaying it all like he was merely tired. By the look on Naruto's face, he wasn't quite sure if he bought it.
How long could he go on lying, he didn't know, but if that's what it took to preserve what they had, Sasuke could continue to do just that. Because if Naruto really got to see how mangled he was on the inside, he'd be disgusted.
That transparent concern and worry Naruto had just showed in thinking something was wrong? Sasuke did not want himself to be seen as weak, as someone who needs any kind of help. Even if at the end of the day, that was the truest reflection of himself there ever could be. He was a fraud, but, selfishly, he wanted Naruto to keep loving him because, without him, Sasuke didn't think he'd be the type of person whose accomplishments were worth remembering.
As Naruto gazed at him - head slightly tilted in confusion - he suddenly became very fearful that so much rested on this person and his opinion of him. He'd never relied upon anyone to that extent. Not even his brother.
What a fucking scary thought.