Little Angel, Ch. 12

So, the lives of Hikari and Amane are changed and twisted in completely new directions, and maybe not necessarily the same. Heartbreak is a MAJOR theme here but… if you've read thus far, guess you can't stop can you?

I don't own Strawberry Panic, but good lord if I did…

Hikari woke up the next morning in tears. The pain spiked her bones and burned up to her skin. Her sobs unintentionally woke up Amane, who became immediately alert with alarm.
"Hikari?! What's wrong?"
"It hurts... So bad..."
"Hikari..." Amane looked at her with sad, dreary eyes. "Hang on a sec."
She kissed her forehead and moved slowly off the bed and went to her closet to grab a pair of jeans and an old t-shirt, and returned to the bed. "I know they probably won't fit very well, but... It's better than nothing. I'm gunna take you to the hospital." Here we go...
"Amane, no! What if- what if... What if they call the police? What if they take me to some shelter? What if they think it's you?! Amane, no, I'll be fine, please, don't make me go!"
Amane sighed deeply. She thought this would happen. "Hikari, you might've broken something or punctured something, and I can't stand to see you in pain."
"Even if I did, I'd still be in pain..."
"Maybe not, what if they gave you meds?"
"Amane..."
"Hikari, please? Let me take you, please Hikari, I want you to be okay."
"And I will be-"
"And quicker so if I take you."
They looked at each other pleadingly. They parted their lips to speak simultaneously, but both of them stumbled on their words. Hikari looked worse by the minute, their argument obviously taking a toll on her frail body.
"Hikari..." Maybe I should just call? It'd be easier on her than if I drive her. But then I wouldn't be allowed in to see her... Damnit. Amane couldn't take her eyes off the small blonde sweetheart- it was impossible. She sighed and softly placed her hand on her cheek.
"I... This... All of this," she waved her hand over Hikari's body, "is my fault. Please Hikari... Let me fix the damage the best I can."
"There's a side to it that'll never heal though Amane," Hikari whispered. "I just... I don't want them to touch me, I don't them examining my and touching my body like... Like..." A piece of meat...
Hikari's voice broke into shattered cries that brought Amane to her knees, who, for the first time in years, openly wept in front of someone. Her hands shook with sorrow and rage, but she did not take her hand from Hikari's cheek. She instead combed her fingers through the locks of her hair, and sat closer to her as they looked down with their foreheads touching. This felt to them their only comfort, their only stable ground for the time.
"Amane... I'm not disgusting, am I?"
Amane's voice was lost, so she shook her head and tried hard not to lose whatever composure she had. She whispered out, "You're far from it Hikari... You're beautiful, too beautiful for the lot you've been given, and..."
The usually resilient rider bit down on her lip to keep from breaking her voice. Not now... God, not now...
"Amane, I know... That... Realistically, I've only known you less than a week... How can you know?"
"Because no other girl's ever melted my heart before."
They looked up at each other, tears still running down their face. They didn't know what to say. They didn't know what to do or where to go. They didn't know what each other was thinking, but they knew what they were feeling. Amane dropped the clothes from her arm and kissed her, not caring to wipe the tears from her eyes.
How do I know? I feel it in my heart. I know because... I have to tell her how I feel...
"Hikari, when is it too early to say I love you?"
Hikari choked on a sob and shook her head. "A long time...
I don't believe in love."

Amane sat in her living room waiting quietly for Hikari to finish getting dressed. She hung her head in her hands to hide her embarrassment from the world. She hated herself for saying a word of it. A week, really? You dumb fuck! You fucking moron! Why? Oh, I know you're in more fucking pain and disarray than I'll ever know, but by the way, I love you. After a week. Really?! You fucking idiot! You're a creep, that's what, she just got raped and you say I love you? Like that's gunna make it better!
A quick but quiet door closing broke Amane's raging thoughts, and her head quickly snapped up. Hikari stood, and then hobbled over to a chair opposite to Amane.
Is she not even going to sit next to me anymore? How bad did I just fuck up?
They sat in silence for a few minutes without meeting each other's eyes. Amane wanted so bad to apologize, to take it back, to say anything to break the silence. Did it take three words to ruin the best and only relationship she'd ever been in?
Finally, Hikari sighed. "So... You're not taking me to the hospital, right?"
"No... It doesn't make me comfortable, but I won't ever force you."
"Thank you."
The silence returned.
The rider scratched her head and looked at her feet, trying to think of something to get them out of this rut. "Um... Are you hungry?"
Almost instantaneously their stomachs growled at the mention of food. It was half past eleven already so it hadn't surprised her. Amane wasn't exactly a great chef, but she knew how to get to a McDonalds from her apartment, and at this point food was food. She thought about Star Bright and knew she wouldn't have time to visit her closest friend for a while. A saddened look- somehow possibly more so than before- came over her, but Hikari couldn't look up to notice. She just nodded her head. "A bit I guess."
"Do you wanna stay here or come?"
"I'll stay here... I wanna take a shower."
Amane nodded. Hikari looked up and they finally met eye to eye. "I'll be back soon... Um, there's a house phone if you need to get a hold of me."
"Okay..."
Amane thought she was going to cry. Why was she being so short with her? It hurt so bad... The rider grabbed her keys and headed out before she would break down again. As she opened the door, she turned and said, "I'll be back soon Hikari."
At first, there wasn't a reply and Amane's throat closed up, but she heard back a whispered, "I'll be waiting..."

Amane walked sullenly to her truck. She burst the engine into life and backed out slowly. Tears still threatened to emerge, and she pulled back in before they exploded. She cried for Hikari, for her pain and suffering, for her horrid life, for screwing up their relationship, for not helping her. Amane was rendered powerless to function by the force of her tears. It seemed like ages had passed before she finally got herself under control and could finally take off. She wanted to ride on Star Bright for hours on end, so she could clear her mind, but knee it would be completely immature and reckless of her to just abandon Hikari, even for a short while. Even if she didn't feel the same way, Amane still made it her priority to provide the best she could for the young girl. Yes, it hurt terribly, in ways Amane would never understand or feel the end of, but it would never hinder her from doing what she could for Hikari.
As she finally left the complex, Amane felt the rift that could be growing between her and Hikari would stop eventually. It was just something she would have to put aside until the beautiful blonde was healed, inside and out.

Meanwhile, Hikari sat staring at the picture of Amane and Star Bright that rested on the coffee table. She picked it up and unconsciously cosseted the photo. Almost lovingly.
She grew disgusted with herself. Amane opened her heart to her, like Hikari was afraid she would never do, then shot her down. Because I'm scared... Well... How can I not be? How the hell is love even real? It can't be! It just can't! With people like him, there just is no love in the world. There isn't... And someone like Amane, saying it to me... She's probably confused. Probably regrets it. Ugh!
She bit her lip to hold back tears, but they broke through anyway from the pain. It just never seemed to stop. The waves of it consumed her and she bent over, clutching the picture of Amane to her chest. When it subsided enough for her to sit back up, she moved to the large couch and lay there, looking again at picture, her thumb caressing Amane's face. Hikari closed her eyes and breathed as deep as she could. Just days ago she considered love possible. Was she being foolish? She thought so. But...
She was so honest... She feels something to make her want to do all this for me. But how is it even possible? I'm... Just... I don't even know...
Hikari wished desperately to rewind the last twenty minutes and redo everything with Amane since she left the bedroom. She wished she hadn't asked her to leave, it wasn't like she hadn't just seen her naked the night before. She still trusted Amane, she still wanted to be with her. She hoped to God that she wouldn't leave her, not now, not when she needed her the most.

And that was the truth of it. Hikari desperately needed Amane. She was her lifeline, her support and structure. She had nothing and no one and no where without her. To a definite end, she maybe had a part of her heart that...
No... It's been a few days. It's not, and I probably won't ever. Maybe I'm really as fucked up as Jack said. Love? It's not real... Not for me at least.
She refused to let her tattered mind or her broken heart venture any further. Her body was overwhelmingly sore and her breathing became a little more difficult once again. She thought of calling Amane, but it might've just pushed her to call for an ambulance. And that scared her drastically.
Hikari had no desire whatsoever to be poked and prodded and examined and god knows what else what. She still shook from the violations of the night before... She would never let any one touch her again like he did. Never.
She decided to move on with her morning. She moved to the bathroom to take a shower, but her hands faltered when it came to undressing herself. I can't shower in them...
But...
I can't look...
She removed her shirt slowly so to not spike her pain again. She looked up in a mirror. She instantly regretted it and hated everything she saw.
Blotches of black and blue covered her, festered with red and yellowish wisps suffocating her skin. She now realized the pain in her jaw came from similar yellowish and purplish marks near her cheek. Tears swelled in her eyes. She couldn't bear to look anymore. She collapsed onto the floor, grasping onto the cabinet handles to try to stay up, but failed. She felt so weak and so disgusting. Her body felt beat, used, unfixable. The tears poured from her eyes, and her sobs tore from her throat in jagged, broken escapes. She had never felt so worthless. She had never felt so alone. She wished again she hadn't pushed Amane away, that she was here instead.

But her thoughts wouldn't last long, as she fell completely to the floor as her hands and knees gave out, unable to serve her any longer. Nothing processed through her mind other than the terrible aches. The minutes dragged on and her breathing was indeterminable- her sobs heaved her and shook her in a horrid fashion. Eventually, the only thing that could be uttered from her was, as she lay there, whispering and weeping, "Why? Why?"
She heard footsteps crash through the house suddenly and she froze, afraid and whimpering.

Amane fell to her knees seeing Hikari lying on her bathroom floor, eyes red as gashing wounds, and shirtless, exposing the horrible bruising afflicted to her innocent skin.
"Hikari..."
"No! Please," her weeping blue eyes connected with Amane's for just a moment before staring again at the floor. "Just... I'm sorry, I just... I'm so disgusting, please, go!" I told you… And I don't care what you say. It's true… It's so true, I'm just-
"Hikari, no, you're not, you're anything but!" Amane let out, exasperated by her despair. She hung her head and whispered. "You're an angel Hikari..."
The smaller girl sniffed and tried to bring her eyes to Amane's again, but couldn't. She shook her head, which Amane took for her disagreeing.
"Hikari you are. You are, and the horribleness that someone could hurt you like this belongs in hell. You're a blessing Hikari. That's why..." I will not say it again. Not today, and probably not soon.
Amane wanted to kick herself. Stupid idiot. Why? Now she's crying even harder.
The rider reached out to hold her hand, and was genuinely surprised when she didn't pull away. Pain swelled in their chests in their own ways, and this simple link is what kept them both in control.
"Amane..." Hikari whispered after a time. "I uh... I'm sorry, but... Can I please take a shower?"
"Of course, I'll be out in the living room."
Amane gave a soft squeeze to the younger girl's hand, and got up to leave.

"Wait… Amane?"

The rider's heart stopped.

"I'm sorry… I know you only want to help me… Or did, but… look, about this morning…"

"Hikari, it's alright. We can talk about it if you want after we eat. Okay?"

Hikari looked to the floor and nodded. Amane looked at her for a second, almost lost like, but the turned and walked slowly out of the bathroom, closing the door behind her. The rider sighed as she walked away, not knowing her angel behind the door was doing the same.

The battered soul stepped into the shower gingerly, hoping not to bump into anything, or god forbid, please don't let her trip. The water was a bit above lukewarm, and Hikari looked around for soap to wash her body off with. She found a lemon-lime colored bar that smelt like citrus fruits, and was careful to lather it along her body. The water dripped down her face, and it made the small blonde girl think of all the tears she'd shed over home, or whatever that was supposed to be. What was home, and where was it now for her? She couldn't stay here with Amane forever, could she? Eventually, someone would come knocking at the door, and Hikari would be on the run. She'd be damned before she ever went back there, especially with him under its roof. But… wait… maybe…
If Hikari was going to stay here, even for another night, she knew she had to sort out here feelings. Preferably sooner than later. She made a running list in her head.

She'd known Amane less than a week. Personally, at least.

Amane was her first relationship. How did she know if it was a good one?

She knew because she made her feel safe.

Amane almost never failed to make her smile, or her heart flutter, or her head swirl, and she loved the feeling.

She knew she could trust Amane to always come to her side.

Hikari sighed and closed her eyes for a minute, trying to focus...

How long would this list go on for? Hikari sighed. It didn't matter. She wouldn't find a single flaw about Amane and she knew it. She just didn't know how it made her feel entirely. After a few days, she wasn't about to believe anything, no matter how much she might want it. Amane... She means a lot to me, especially with all that she's doing now, but do I have the capacity to love her ever? How can she know it so easily when we just met last Wednesday. I guess... I'll... I'll figure it out later. With that she turned around, all the soap amd shampoo having been rinsed from her, and shut off the water. She stepped out, her thoughts still whirring, and dried off. She changed into the clothes from before and took a deep breath before stepping out to the living room.

As she sat waiting on the couch, Amane sank lower and lower into it until she sat with her head below her hands, and her fingers scratching absentmindly on the back of her neck. She felt like crawling onto the floor and just staying there. There was something about being at the floor that appealed greatly to her right about then and it made her feel incredibly childish. Her girlfriend was going through the most difficult thing in her life and their relationship, her only conceived stronghold, was now unbalanced because of her. She lifted her head to the scent of the still warm fast food sitting on the counter. God, was she starving suddenly. She wanted to smack herself for getting sidetracked, but realized that her brain probably had a reason for it. She heard Hikari start and stop the shower within maybe ten or fifteen minutes of each other, which surprised her. She thought she'd be in there a bit longer. Amane got up to bring out the greasy food, separating the two sausage and cheese sandwiches and hash browns. She poured two glasses of water and set them on the coffee table, not caring to actually eat at the table a few feet away with riding crap all over it.

Hikari came out from the bathroom looking a little damp still, her arms folded around her chest. Amane's heart, already having crumbled to dust, now fell through the growing cracks of her self control. She looks so lost... So hurt... I wish she would let me in... I wish I could fix it all and make it go away, like it never happened. Of course, it would never be possible. But Amane hoped for it anyway. Without me it wouldn't have happened in the first fucking place. Now... God, Hikari's just... Destroyed. My Hikari. The blonde girl was then next to Amane, looking down at her feet still. She shook a bit, almost as if trying to reach out but too scared to. "Hey..." The rider searched for something more intelligent to say, but was let down. So instead she asked, "Food?" Hikari smiled just slightly and nodded. "Food sounds good."

As they chewed and worked on through their cooled meals, the lingering silence never much wavered. Hardly a glance had past between the couple, and after, neither could get themselves to move. Just plainly, as Amane was thinking, it sucked. She wanted to make some kind of conversation with her girlfriend, something to cheer her up, and she marked her failure down to lack of experience and traumatic exemption. Finally though, she thought of something.

"Um... Hikari... I think... Someone would wanna see you. It always makes me feel better to go and... Well... Nevermind, just come on." Amane jumped and offered a hand to Hikari, who took it carefully. They manuevered out of the apartment and down the stairs and back into the truck. It never once occured to ask Amane where it was she wanted to take her. It wouldn't have really mattered because she drifted off into sleep not long after.

"Hikari, we're here sweetie." The small girl was brought slowly back into reality, where her prince in shining armor was once again glorified by the rays of the sun extravagent before her. When her daze wore off, she looked around and realized Amane was out of the truck already. A smile flooded her face, bringing it to life. "I thought this would do the trick," Amane chuckled. She held on tight as the whinnying Star Bright spurred up before them and shook his benevolent mane.

A/N: depressing, i know... but... love withstands all, or something, right?