Chapter 98

Jon stood at the top of the Wall, looking out into the distance – into the nothingness beyond the Wall - trying to catch his breath. He almost wished that he had died in the snow, hunting Walkers. Then he wouldn't have to know this. He wouldn't have to feel this pain and betrayal.

Eddard Stark is not my father.

Jon had listened stoically as Howland Reed – a man his father had mentioned before, describing him as his closest friend during the Rebellion – told the story of Jon's birth and his discovery by Lord Stark. Jon had wanted to scream at the man and tell him that he was wrong. That Eddard Stark was his father. That he would not have lied to Jon for his whole life. Before he could say anything, Tyrion Lannister had produced Rhaeger Targaryen's diaries.

Jon thought about how he had always felt like an outsider. He always felt like he did not belong at Winterfell. He realized that they spoke the truth. Jon had simply nodded and walked from the room, Ghost trailing after him.

How could he lie to me? How could he lie to me about who I am? As many times as I asked him about my mother…he never told me the truth.

Jon remembered the last time he had spoken to Lord Stark, when they parted ways on the Kingsroad. He had asked about his mother again – who she was and if she knew what he had become. And he had put Jon off again. Neither of them had realized that they would never speak again. He thought about Lord Stark's last words to him.

When we see each other again, I'll tell you about your mother. You might not have my name, but you have my blood.

Jon repeated the words over in his head. His blood. Not his son. As he thought about it, he realized that Lord Stark had never called Jon his son. He would only say that he shared his blood. I should never have been brought to live at Winterfell. Lord Stark and Lord Reed should have left him behind in Dorne. Jon gasped frantically for breath as he realized that those weren't his brothers downstairs in the dining hall. That Robb was never his brother and Sansa and Arya weren't his sisters.

Jon knew it didn't matter. It didn't change anything. He was still a bastard. Perhaps Lord Stark thought it was worse to be the bastard of the Mad King's son and the girl he stole from Robert Baratheon. He wondered if he was relieved when Jon wanted to take the black. He should have sent me to the Wall when I was a babe.

"Thank you, Samwell," he heard a soft voice murmur near the lift. Jon turned and saw Sam escorting Lady Stark across the top of the Wall. She glanced over the side and grimaced as she took in the distance to the ground, moving further away from the ledge.

"You shouldn't be up here, Lady Stark. It's freezing and it's a long way down," Jon said, wondering what she was doing up there.

She nodded at Sam, indicating that he should leave. "I suppose you're right. It's more suited to Bran up here. He always loved climbing…He was never afraid of heights."

Jon nodded, numbly. "He still isn't afraid. I've brought him up here a few times…he insisted. Bran just wanted to look out as far as the top of the Wall allows." Jon continued staring out into the distance, wishing he were far away from all of this. Wishing that he were still blissfully ignorant of the truth.

He felt Lady Stark watching him carefully. "Your reaction downstairs…or your lack of reaction, I should say…for a moment I thought you already knew. You didn't, did you?"

Jon shook his head. "Did you know?" He thought not, if her hatred of him his whole life was any indication.

"No. Ned…did not see fit to tell me the truth." He heard the waver in her voice and knew she felt betrayed by this secret as well. He hurt her, too. He hurt all of us. "I wish he had felt that he could tell me."

"Why?"

She was silent for a long time, as she searched for the words. "It would have made it easier…to accept you. I tried. It may not have seemed like it to you but…I did try. Many times I told myself that I would treat you as my own son but…whenever I looked at you, all I could see was Ned's betrayal. And I would wonder who she was. Your mother. He would never tell me. And it made me so angry that he had so little regard for me that he would bring his bastard – a child conceived while breaking our vows of marriage – into my home." She sighed and wiped her eyes. He could see that she regretted the past. "He was wrong to keep this secret from you. You had a right to know where you came from."

Jon nodded again. He couldn't help thinking that she must be relieved to know that Lord Stark wasn't his father. That her children don't have a bastard brother to shame them. She must be glad to know that she will never see me again.

"Arya insisted that I give you this," Lady Stark said, handing him a small rolled parchment before carefully returning to the lift where Sam waited for her, leaving Jon alone with his thoughts.

He thought about the Queen and understood now why she had come to the Wall, though he wondered what she wanted from him. She's my aunt, I suppose. By blood anyway. Jon hoped she did not expect him to go to King's Landing as a Targaryen. My place is at the Wall. It's the only place where I have ever belonged. And, he realized, the Starks were the only family that he wanted. But they aren't mine anymore.

Jon looked down at the small paper in his hand and unrolled it.

I love you, Jon. And you will always be my brother. Love, Arya

Jon clutched the paper tight in his hand and blinked back tears.

…

Sansa closed her eyes and sighed in pleasure as Jaime rubbed her aching feet. She still had more than two moons until the babe would be born, but she was impatient. She felt uncomfortable and her feet were swollen. It had not been like this with Julianna. The healer Pia had brought to examine her had said it was the heat that was making her so uncomfortable during this pregnancy. She supposed that made sense. It was Winter when she carried Julianna. And being from the North, Sansa wasn't used to such heat, as Jaime was, regardless of her condition.

Jaime was taking excellent care of her – making certain that she did not overexert herself and that she was comfortable. He was always able to make her smile, even when she wasn't feeling well, and he was good about entertaining the children so that she didn't have to. Sansa usually chose to rest near them – where she could relax in the shade with her feet up, but still see her family. She enjoyed watching Jaime playing with Julianna and Tommen. And she couldn't wait for their new babe to arrive so she could watch him with that child. He was meant to be a husband and father.

Sansa leaned back, smiling as she watched his hand stray from its task and begin to trail along her calf. He was meant for me.

"Lord Lannister?" a voice asked hesitantly from the doorway.

Sansa looked up and saw that Gendry was clutching a letter in his hand. Jaime turned his head, nodding at the young man, indicating he should enter. Sansa tried to pull her feet off of his lap, but he wouldn't let her, smiling innocently as he thwarted her attempts to behave with propriety in front of Gendry. "What do you have there?"

"I escorted Pia and the cook to the market today and a little boy – an urchin – ran up to us and handed me this. He said a man on a ship that just arrived from Westeros paid him a gold dragon to give it to one of Lord Lannister's men."

Most of the people in Lys knew who they were – and who worked for them - after the past few moons. Jaime had made it known that anyone who warned them of any threats to their safety would be handsomely rewarded. Since the attempt on Jaime's life, two other sorrowful men had been turned over to them by local fishermen. She and Jaime both had come to trust the Lysene people. It wasn't the same as Winterfell – or even Casterly Rock – but Sansa was happy in Lys and knew that it was the right place for them to live and raise their children. At least for the moment.

"You were certain not to be followed? That this wasn't a ruse?" They realized that many people knew where they lived – and as a result, there were more guards watching the waterways and paths that led to their villa – but they were always careful not to be followed home whenever they returned from town.

Gendry nodded. "We weren't followed. I was careful." Sansa watched as her husband held his hand out to Gendry. The boy hesitated as Jaime took the parchment. "But my lord…the letter is for Lady Sansa."

She looked up in surprise. Who would write me here? They had only received a few letters from Tyrion and Ser Addam. Jaime had told her that letters to and from Westeros would take weeks – if not months – since they would have to go through several different hands and cross the narrow sea by ship. Sansa had written a short note to Arya and her mother – to let them know that they were all well – but she didn't know if it had reached them so far in the North. Perhaps Arya or Mother found a way to get a letter to me. Sansa realized just how much she had missed them as her heart fluttered in excitement.

Jaime handed her the letter and Gendry quickly left them alone. There was a wax seal on it but it looked to have been pressed with a spoon or some other metal object – there was no sigil.

"That's in the event the letter falls into the wrong hands," Jaime said, noting her confusion. "If the seal can't be traced, it makes it more difficult to accuse someone of treason for communicating with us. I'd wager Ser Addam sealed it."

Sansa cracked open the white wax and saw that there were two letters inside. One in Arya's hand and a small slip of folded paper with Jaime's name on it. "It's from Arya. And this is for you." She held the slip of paper out to him.

"It's from Tyrion. Just a quick note to wish us well and…he says that one day he hopes to be able to arrange our return. Your sister all but threatened him with death if he didn't get this letter to you. What does Arya write?"

"She writes that they've continued to work rebuilding Winterfell and…" Sansa stopped, unable to believe what she had just read. Bran and Rickon are alive. Jon found them near the Wall. Mother's gone to get them and bring them home. Now that she was a mother, Sansa knew how overjoyed her mother must be to have the boys back.

"Are you all right? What is it?" Jaime asked, moving to sit next to her. "Is it bad news?"

Sansa shook her head and wiped her eyes, knowing that she must be a sight. "My brothers they…they're alive. Theon didn't kill them." She felt him rest his head on top of hers as he reached around her body to hold Arya's letter so he could read it. "They'll all be together now at Winterfell. Except for Father and Robb…and me," she finished with a whisper.

She immediately regretted her words as she felt Jaime stiffen against her. She knew that he sometimes felt guilty for their exile – for depriving her of her remaining family. Sansa gripped his hand and turned to face him. "I didn't mean…I didn't mean that the way you think. I would rather be here with you. It's where I belong. I only…there are times when I think of how much simpler things were when I was a girl. Don't you ever miss when you were a boy at Casterly Rock?"

He smiled sadly and kissed her forehead. "I wish I could take you home. Even if only so you could see Winterfell once more and I know you'd wish to show Julianna where you grew up."

"Perhaps one day. Tyrion did say…" she trailed off, seeing the disbelief in his eyes. "You don't believe we'll ever be able to return do you?"

"I think it's unlikely that the new queen will ever allow us to return to Westeros. If there was any doubt, the assassin she sent after us eliminated it."

Sansa nodded in understanding. "I suppose you're right. I had just hoped that I could see Bran and Rickon again. It's been so long and…I'll just be glad that they're alive and with Mother and Arya."

Jaime nodded, his gaze drifting out to Tommen and Julianna who came bustling in, Tommen's kittens running after the ribbons dragging behind Julianna's gown. She'd asked to dress as a princess and Sansa had thrown together the pink frilly confection the babe currently wore and draped a few of her necklaces over her. Tommen was wearing a few pieces of armor and carried a wooden sword. She wondered where he found armor to fit him, and then realized Gendry must have made it for him. Sansa leaned back against Jaime, remembering when she had played princess and knights with Jon and Robb.

She picked up the letter on her lap and continued reading. She had to read the next paragraphs over and over before she even understood what Arya was saying. Jon is Rhaeger Targaryen's son? He's not our brother? Sansa couldn't believe that their father would lie to them all about something like that. Or about anything. Father didn't lie. He always told us that we were only as good as our word and our honor.

She turned and thrust the letter toward Jaime. "Read the rest of it." She watched his face as he finished Arya's letter and she couldn't help noticing that he didn't seem shocked by the news of Jon's paternity. "Did you know about this?"

Jaime shook his head. "Of course not. Your father would hardly have confided in me, of all people. I didn't know but…I confess, I always thought it strange that Eddard Stark – the same man who begged Robert to send me to the Wall as an oathbreaker more times than I can recall - would break his own vows to his wife and father a bastard. And then rub her nose in it by bringing the child to live under her roof."

Listening to Jaime's words, she knew he was right. She had always been raised, knowing that Jon was her half-brother, so she had never questioned it. It had never occurred to her that fathering Jon, while married to her mother, was so far from her father's character. Jaime was right. If there was one thing she knew about Eddard Stark, it was that he was honorable to a fault. It was honor that cost him his life.

"You knew Prince Rhaeger?" she asked quietly.

"I did. He would have made a fine king. Had he not died on the Trident. He was nothing like Aerys – he did not have the Targaryen madness." Jaime never liked to talk about his time serving the Mad King. He had only spoken to her about it to her in detail a few times and she saw that it affected him to even think about that time, so she never brought it up. He's seen such horrors. I suppose we both have.

"I've always been told…the songs all speak of Rhaeger taking my aunt Lyanna. That he kidnapped her."

"I never believed that. Rhaeger…he'd never have abducted her."

"So you believed that she ran away with him."

Jaime nodded. "I never understood how anyone could think otherwise, after the Tournament at Harrenhal. After he crowned her the Queen of Love and Beauty."

Sansa read over Arya's letter again. "I suppose it must have been romantic."

Jaime snorted. "For all except Princess Elia…and her children." He looked at Sansa pointedly. "And your Uncle Brynden and your grandfather."

Sansa was quiet then, feeling duly chastised for her romantic notions. She wondered if her aunt had regretted her actions, once she learned what the consequences had been. Though, Sansa knew there were those who would say that her own love for Jaime was a betrayal of her family. No one ever told me that love is so much more complicated than the songs make it out to be.

Her attention returned to Tommen and Julianna, who were still playing across the terrace. "Jon must know by now," Sansa began quietly. "It must be hard for him – it must have hurt him – to know that Father kept this secret from him for his whole life." As she thought about what Jon must be feeling, she couldn't help thinking about little Tommen and the secret of his paternity. He deserves to know the truth now, before he grows up and it turns his world upside down. He loves Jaime and he should know that they are father and son. He should know that Julianna is his sister. And that this babe will be his brother or sister.

"I know that I should tell him," Jaime whispered, as if he could read her mind. "You don't have to say it."

"What's been stopping you from telling him? There have been a few times that I thought…it seemed that you wanted to and the opportunity was there but…you haven't."

"Because I'm a coward."

Sansa turned and rested a hand on Jaime's shoulder. "You are the bravest man I've ever known. And you have nothing to fear, Jaime. He loves you and he wants to be just like you. I believe…once he understood, he would be happy to know he truly is part of our family. And if he learned the truth at his young age…it wouldn't be as…as life-changing as it must be for Jon."

She didn't want to pressure Jaime. She knew that he needed to tell Tommen the truth when he was ready. But she was beginning to fear that he would never be ready without some encouragement. I would hate to see Tommen not learn the truth until he was grown and feel betrayed by the both of us.

Jaime sighed and nodded, resting his forehead against hers. "I hear what you're saying and…I know you're right."

"Mama! Bwoken," Julianna whimpered, holding out the crown that Sansa had made for her. Sansa smiled and took the crown from her little hands and bent it back into the right shape, placing it on Julianna's head once more. The little one smiled brightly and prepared to run back to Tommen and the little cats, but Jaime quickly wrapped an arm around her waist.

"Will her grace spare a kiss for her loyal subject?" She smiled again, though Sansa knew the only word she understood was "kiss." Julianna wrapped her arms around Jaime's neck and kissed him soundly. "I love you, little lioness."

"Love you, dada."

She watched as Jaime gave her a hug before sending her on her way. She ran clumsily back over to Tommen so they could continue playing and Sansa leaned back in Jaime's arms. "I love you as well, Jaime," she said, patting his arm and smiling as he nuzzled his face against her neck.

Sansa closed her eyes and silently prayed to the Father to give Jaime the strength to tell Tommen the truth of his parentage.

…

Thank you all for reading.

Next chapter: Jon and Daenerys speak about his future