Chapter 7: 1x09, Little Girl Lost

Ying-yang is harmony. Ying-ying is a name for a panda.

She already hates – hates – cases when the victims are children. This one looks to be no different.

And then Montgomery says Sorenson.

And she knows this day is absolutely shot to hell.

"I meant to call. Must've picked up the phone a dozen times."

Oh God, please not this. Not now. Not when she's trying to focus on finding a missing girl and she's got way too much bottled inside and it's late and she's so tired she might let it all out. Please, Will. We don't have to have this talk right now.

"Boston was a great opportunity."

She can't look at him, and seriously, she doesn't want to be standing in someone else's kitchen, because it feels entirely too domestic and normal and she has a job to do and being around her ex is not making this any easier. "I'm not saying that it wasn't. I'm just saying it was a choice. That didn't include me."

She tightens her jaw and forces herself to stop before he catches on to the amount of crying she did because the guy she'd seriously thought might be the one had chosen his career over her without a second thought. Like she wasn't good enough. Like she'd never be good enough.

She's over him. She doesn't want to have this talk.

"Didn't stop me from missing you. Missing us."

Will. Please. Not this.

He's coming closer, and she can feel the wall at her back and she's trapped, can't move, can't stop him, can't stop listening. She breathes through her nose, trying to hold onto her control. He's stepping in closer, his eyes falling on her mouth, and she knows, knows what he's going to do, doesn't know how to respond, and her fists curl around the doorway behind her, and she feels like she's suffocating as his breath falls on her skin.

His phone rings, jarring the fragile moment, and she tenses, her breathing shallow. Will sighs, his eyes closed.

"Damn it. I – sorry, Kate, I have to – "

Will steps aside, pulling out his phone as he heads into the living room, and she's thinking this couldn't possibly get any worse.

"Oh – good. Beckett. There you are."

Okay, now it couldn't get any worse. In walks her personal irritant. Why? Why now?

"I thought I told you to go home."

"I did go home. But then – "

He rambles on about something, and she closes her eyes for a second, because she is a mess and she half thinks she shouldn't be working this case at all because she's not on her game, she's worn out from the stress of a missing child, she's not focused and she can't concentrate. Castle is really the last person she wants to see right now. Because it's bad enough trying to work out her feelings about Will. And Will has known about her crush on Richard Castle from the beginning. So it's not just Will; it's Will, and Castle, and her past, and stupid youthful infatuation, and scared attraction, and fighting with Will, and fighting with Castle, and she can't even separate the one from the other because she really doesn't know how she feels about either of them right now but she's still scared.

Her eyes snap open as she feels a gentle touch on her elbow, and she thought it would be Will but it's Castle, who's stopped mid-ramble and is watching her with a look she doesn't think she's seen before. His eyes are unusually serious, his face gentle and concerned as he touches her arm, not enough to alarm her, just enough to try to calm her down. "Hey. You okay?"

She swallows, because it's noisy in the living room nearby so he's leaning in, and he's just so close, and really, it's almost worse that he's being kind and considerate right now, because she's so frustrated she wants to kick something until she's exhausted.

But he's right there, and his eyes are so very, very blue, and she doesn't even realize she's leaning in closer – she sees a sudden change in his eyes, the startled look, hears him whisper Kate – until suddenly her eyes are closed and her lips are on his.

His whole body goes very still against her, and her hands come up to cup his face, gently tracing over his jaw, the hint of stubble under her fingers, and her breath is caught in her chest and time has stopped and his mouth is warm and gentle and he's kissing her back and –

His hand closes around her wrist, his thumb warm against the sensitive skin where her pulse is racing, and he slowly pulls away, and Kate opens her eyes (which she refuses to admit are stinging; she's just tired) to find him watching her with that unnerving expression, the one that makes her think maybe she can't just dismiss him as an annoying sidekick anymore, that he's something else, that there's something there, something she might have had once if not for the FBI.

"Kate." His voice is low; her eyes flicker shut for a moment as she lets it wash over her, soft, intimate, comforting. Like everything in her life isn't royally screwed up right now. Like he understands. "Kate. We both know what that was."

"I – Castle – " Her face is burning. She turns her head away, mortified. What the hell just happened? She never loses control like this.

"It's alright." She feels his hand gently tip her chin up, till she finally looks up with shamed eyes to find him watching her intently, his face (those blue eyes) so close she's swept with the irrational desire to kiss him again, shut him up, make him stop talking because it just makes her feel more confused and all she knows is that she wants to kiss him again, wants it more than she wants to think. But she doesn't; she's frozen, doe-eyed, watching dazedly as his lips move until his words register in her brain. "I understand. You weren't kissing me."

She tries to explain but doesn't know where to start. She was kissing him. But – there's Will, and she's still in a thousand places and she's so tired she can hardly think and being here, first with Will, and then with Castle being genuinely sweet, and standing so close with those impossibly blue eyes, she just – she couldn't –

Before she can put together any form of a reply, his thumb skims lightly over her cheek, his fingertips light on her jaw, and she shivers a little because she's tired and scared and wanting and so vulnerable she knows she's going to do something really, really stupid. More stupid than this. If that's even possible.

Castle leans forward, his hand still on her cheek, and her chest seizes up because for a second, she thinks he's going to kiss her again, and her mouth falls open, her eyes shutting, and he smells so good –

His breath falls on her skin, his mouth right beside her ear, and she swallows unevenly, her hands clutching the wall behind her to stop them from reaching for him as he whispers.

"Next time we kiss, Kate, it'll be for real."