The sun is barely up when Maya opens her eyes. The room is dark, but the window's glowing orange, so she knows it's around five. She rolls over, and her eyes fall on Lucas. He's still asleep, legs hanging off the end of the couch. He doesn't fit at all, and Maya wonders how she didn't notice that last night. Her mind is foggy with the hangover, and the dregs of her bad dream, so she sits up slowly, swinging her legs over the side of the bed.
A searing pain shoots through her foot when she puts pressure on it, but she grits her teeth and hobbles toward the bathroom. She's pretty sure the bleeding has stopped, at least. As she rounds the corner, she catches sight of herself in the mirror. Her makeup is smudged across her face, hair wild. She sighs, pulling the elastic off her wrist and tying back her hair. She scans the bathroom for make-up wipes, Lucas shares it with his other after all, but comes up empty. So she makes do with soap and water, scrubbing until her face feels clean again. Part of her wishes she could wash away her memory of last night as well.
She sighs and sits on the edge of the bathtub, then carefully peels away the bandage on her foot.
It's worse than she thought, a deep, jagged gash that's still oozing blood. She reaches into the vanity and pulls out another few squares of gauze, and the medical tape. There are no scissors, so she has to tear the tape with her teeth, but in the end it all holds.
She limps back down the hall, and pauses in the doorway.
The early morning light has moved, illuminating Lucas's face. He looks perfect, she thinks bitterly. Everything she wants, and it's right in front of her. She sighs, and instead of crawling back in bed, she walks over to his window, pulling it open as quietly as she can. Glancing over her shoulder to make sure she didn't wake him, she climbs outside, sitting on the ledge. It's wider than on most buildings, about four feet, so she can sit comfortably, dangling her legs over the side. From here she can see the sunrise, and it settles something in her chest.
She loses track of time there, dozing on and off as the sun gets higher in the sky, that dark orange giving way to a blinding yellow. Riley would have lost her mind, seeing Maya sleeping in the window ledge like that. But it feels safe for a reason she can't put her finger on. The streets of New York are never quiet, but around the time the morning traffic begins to crawl along beneath her, she hears her name coming from inside.
"I'm out here." She calls, turning her head in time to see Lucas stick his out the window. His eyes widen as he takes in her position, then flicker down to the street.
"What are you doing?" He asks, alarm chasing the lingering sleep out of his eyes. She shrugs.
"Sitting. Watching the sunrise. You know."
He exhales, shaking his head.
"You scared me."
Her heart lurches at that. Not many people in her life have worried about her. Even fewer still do. She's always been so good at protecting her heart, but she's starting to miss how it feels to let go. To loosen the reigns of her self-control.
"I don't live here, Hop-along." She reminds him. "I could have gone home."
He considers that, crawling out of the window to sit beside her. He hangs over the ledge a lot farther than she does, and it makes her palms sweat to look at him.
"Yeah." He says. "You could have gone home."
There's a question in there somewhere, but for now she ignores it. It's still early, and the full noise of the day hasn't yet set in.
"You know, it's not that I don't…" She trails off. He looks at her, and she can see in his eyes that he knows what she means. "Because I do."
His eyes are sad, but he smiles.
"But you don't think you should." He guesses. She bites her lip.
"I love her." Maya says softly. "I can't hurt her." A block over, she watches a child trip on the sidewalk.
"She broke up with me, you know." He says, following her gaze. The little boy gets up, brushes himself off. He doesn't cry. "I didn't break her heart. It wasn't about you. Even if you were never…" He sighs. "It wasn't about you. It was just over."
His words dig at her, like predators. She scrubs a hand across her face, exhausted.
"God, you just…you don't know how much I want to believe that." She mutters. "That it's over, that this is what she wants."
"But you don't?"
"I don't know." She says honestly.
"You could ask her. She would tell you." He suggests. Maya's face hardens.
"She would lie. If she knew, she would lie. She would give up anything for me." Because that's just what they do.
"Like you lie?" He asks. Her fingers curl on the ledge, nails scraping against the concrete.
"Do you think this is easy for me?" She snaps. "I am in love with you. I have been lying to my best friend for years and every time I see you I just-" She inhales sharply. "So I pretend that we're not friends, and I pretend I don't think about you, and I date guys who bore me, or aren't good for me, or are Josh, and-"
Her words are cut off when his fingers catch her face, and then he's kissing her so soundly that she forgets. What she was saying, who she is, where they are. All she knows is him, the way his lips feel against hers, the way he tastes when her tongue slips between them, the roughness of his stubble against her jaw. Her hand lets go of the ledge to curl into his shirt, dragging him closer.
It's staggering, the rush of want. It's not just lust, but something far worse, far deeper. Someone once said they were like fire, and that's here too, the burning, his skin on hers, and the one deep beneath her thighs. His fingers dig into her hip, and he shifts her, just a little, but it's enough to make her lose her grip on the ledge.
"Lu-" She gasps, as she jerks backward, gravity grabbing her from behind and dragging her down. His arm tightens around her, the other hooking inside the window. Maya clings to him, heart pounding, as the sky spins behind them. "Can we-" She asks, but he's already lifting her through the window. She doesn't let go until they're both sitting safely on his bed, and then her fingers slowly unclench from his shirt.
"Are you okay?" He asks, when she doesn't say anything. She nods. Then shakes her head.
"You shouldn't have done that." She groans, pitching forward to drop her head in her hands.
Beside her, he sighs.
"I could apologize." Though it doesn't sound like he plans to.
"Don't bother."
"We're not doing anything wrong, Maya."
She looks up at him, frustrated.
"I'm not sure that's true."
"You need to talk to Riley." He says quietly. "This isn't…it's not going away. No matter how hard you try this time."
He's right.
"Four years." She murmurs.
He looks at her, but doesn't.
"Four years I've been fighting how I feel about you, and I lied to her. And the two years before that…" She sighs. "How can I tell her that?"
Lucas slides closer to her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. For the first time, she lets him, nestling her head into the crook of his neck.
"She's going to forgive you. You're Maya and Riley." He sounds so sure.
"She shouldn't forgive me. I wouldn't."
"Yes you would." His voice is soft in her ear. He's probably right about that too. But it doesn't feel like she deserves that, or Riley, or anything. She feels like a traitor.
"I'm a bad friend." She whispers. He sighs.
"You're a good friend, Maya. You can't help how you feel. And if you're a bad friend, what does that make me?"
"A terrible boyfriend." She mutters, eyes closing. He snorts.
"Thanks."
"You love her." She relents.
"I do."
"But-"
"When you're with someone that long, you get comfortable. Sometimes you don't even realize you want someone else until it just…hits you. I thought we were good. And then one day I realized it was your face I look for every day. I didn't know."
Maya presses her face into his shirt, breathing in a smell that's come to feel more like home to her than the drafty apartment she shares with her mother.
"It doesn't mean you didn't love her." She summarizes.
"No, it doesn't." He repeats. "But the way I love her now…it's not the same way I used to. And it's not the way I love you."
She doesn't think she'll ever get tired of hearing that, even if it sends a flare of guilt through her chest every time.
"I think," she finally says, after they sit in silence for a while, letting the daylight creep up the walls. "that you should take me to Riley's."
He pulls back to stare at her.
"Really?"
She nods.
"Really."
But she grabs her clothes off the floor. She's not going to go there like this.
He leaves the room, to let her change, and her fingers feel numb as she tugs on her skirt.
Her whole life, she's put Riley first. Everything about this feels selfish. She limps out to meet Lucas in the hall. He glances at her outfit.
"Where did your shoes go?"
"I left them in the truck." She reminds him. His eyes trail down her legs to rest on her bandaged foot.
"Was that still bleeding this morning?" He asks. She avoids his eyes. "Maya."
"Yes. But it doesn't need stitches. It's fine." She folds her arms across her chest. If he wants her to go to the hospital, he'll have to take her by force. Something about his expression tells her he knows that. He throws his hands in the air.
"Fine. Let's go." She limps, slowly, forward. Rolling his eyes, Lucas picks her up, then tosses her over his shoulder.
"Do NOT-"
"Shh." He says, and she can practically hear his smile as he walks toward the door.
"Lucas, I can walk-"
"No, you can't."
"Okay, well you could carry me like a human being, and not a sack of flour."
"I could."
She groans.
"Just because you kissed me doesn't mean I won't make you pay for this." She warns him. His hand creeps a little higher on the back of her thigh and her breath hitches.
"I look forward to it." He says, it's almost a growl, and she can feel the vibration of his voice through his back. He carries her like that all the way to the truck, and she waves goodbye to an upside down Geoff as they pass through the lobby.
Just as they exit the building, Maya's phone rings. She pulls it from where she tucked it into her bra, surprised it still has juice. Her mother's face flashes across the screen, and she sighs.
"Hey, Mom." She says, her voice bouncing along with her body as Lucas jumps off the curb into the street.
"Hey baby. Are you going to be home for lunch today? Shawn was thinking of taking us out."
Maya had actually remembered to text her mother this time, sending a 'party went late, be home in the morning' message before she passed out.
"Uh," she scrunches up her face in thought. "Probably not." She doesn't have a clue how long she'll be at Riley's. The bomb she's about to drop could get her kicked out in seconds, or result in a serious discussion lasting hours. At this point, she's not really sure which she'd prefer.
"Okay. Are you alright?" Katy asks.
Maya might not have the best relationship with her mother, but there are some things that you can't hide from a parent. She sighs.
"I'll let you know. Bye, Mom."
"Bye, honey."
She hangs up as Lucas opens the passenger door to his truck, flipping Maya into the seat. Her skirt rides up when he drops her there, and she doesn't miss the way his eyes linger on her legs.
"Lucas." She says, because he's staring. He shakes his head, like a dog clearing water from it's ears, and backs up. The door closes behind him, and she watches him walk around to the driver's side.
"To Riley's?" He asks, when he finally has Blue started. She takes a deep breath, then nods.
"If I don't do it now…" She mumbles. He reaches out, like he's going to touch her, then stops. They haven't earned that yet, she thinks. He's still off limits, for now.
So they drive in silence, the cab thick with tension and anticipation and on Maya's part, fear. She isn't sure she's ever done something this selfish before. So if she loses Riley, it can only be her fault.
"It's going to be-"
"Please don't say it's going to be okay." Maya whispers.
"I think it will be."
"You don't know-"
"No." Lucas sighs. "I don't know that. But you seem to forget that I know more about my relationship with Riley than you do. And I think she'll get over this."
Maya considers that, chewing on her lip.
"Lucas." She says quietly. "You need to know that if you're wrong, if she can't…" Her hands clench just thinking about it. He looks over at her, blue eyes serious.
"I would never ask you to choose, Maya. I know it would be Riley, no question. It's okay."
"But-" It's not okay, she thinks. The thought of them going to school together, with Riley in California, and not being allowed to be them, not being allowed to have this…
"Look, don't do this to yourself, okay? If we have to cross that bridge, we will." His fingers tighten on the steering wheel. Maya looks out the window, heart fluttering in her chest. She's nervous, hands trembling, fingers cold. It's Lucas, she realizes, and Riley on the line. She could lose both of them. The familiar brownstone comes into view, and she lets out a shaky breath. Lucas pulls up in front of it, looking over at her.
"I'm gonna…" She says, reaching for the handle. He nods.
"Your foot-" He starts, but she shakes her head.
"It doesn't matter. You can't come in. I'll manage." She grabs her shoes from where she kicked them under the seat last night, and pulls them on with a wince. It's horrible, hurts like hell, but the last thing she needs is to step on something else.
"Should I wait?" He looks uncomfortable now. This moment feels like the last before a sentencing.
"No. I'll…call you." She decides. Then she climbs out before she can change her mind. Every step is excruciating, but it almost feels like reparation for everything she's done, everything she's about to do. She wobbles up the steps, and into the elevator.
She knocks on the front door, and even that feels weird. She never knocks, never uses the door. But this isn't a climbing through the window kind of day. It swings open, and Cory looks down at her in surprise. He raises an eyebrow at her outfit.
"Maya? Using the front door? Something must be wrong." He muses. Maya tries to force a smile, but it falls flat on her face, and Cory's disappears as well. "Is something wrong?" He asks, this time real concern in his voice.
"Um, no." She lies. "Can I come in?"
He steps back, and she limps inside, stepping out of her shoes. Cory frowns at the bandage on her foot, but doesn't comment on it.
"You know Riley's grounded." He tells her.
"I figured." She admits. "But I really need to talk to her. It's important."
With a sigh, Cory nods.
"Okay. But she's probably still asleep. If she's even alive." His lips purse, the picture of a disapproving father. Maya still misses that sometimes. It hits her that losing Riley would mean losing all of them, including him. Her eyes widen a little, and she fights to keep her breathing steady.
"Th-thanks." She stutters, turning to stumble towards Riley's room. She can feel him debating whether to come after her, but he never does. She knocks softly on Riley's door. No answer.
Quietly, she turns the handle and creeps inside. Cory was right, his daughter is still soundly asleep, face pressed into her pillow. Maya doesn't really want to wake her up, but she's here now. She walks up to the bed, crouching beside it.
"Riley." She whispers, giving her friend a gentle shake. "Riles."
The brunette stirs, blinking, and then her eyes focus on Maya.
"Hey." Riley mumbles. She shuffles over to make room, and Maya crawls in beside her.
"How are you feeling?" Maya asks. Her own headache isn't overwhelming, but she suspects Riley had a lot more to drink than she did.
"Meh." Riley shrugs. "Could be worse. Although I'm sure I'm grounded." She muses sleepily.
"You are." Maya confirms. "Your dad let me in."
At that, Riley's drooping eyes open sharply.
"You came in through the front door?" She asks. Maya nods. "Why?"
Heart beating wildly, Maya rolls onto her side to look Riley directly in the eyes.
"Because I need to talk to you about something. And I didn't think…I didn't want to come in through the window." She says. Riley moves to sit up, then groans.
"Bay window?" She asks. Maya looks her over doubtfully.
"Can you move?" She wonders. Riley thinks about that, then sinks back into the pillows with a sigh.
"No."
Like ripping off a band-aid, Maya thinks.
"I like Lucas."
Slowly, Riley turns back to look at Maya.
"You like Lucas."
"I have, um, feelings for Lucas." She clarifies, even though she's pretty sure from the way Riley is looking at her now that she knew what she meant.
Riley opens her mouth, then closes it. Then opens it again.
"Wh-How long?" She asks. It's the worst question, Maya thinks. Because it's the biggest lie.
"I…a long time, Riley." That feels like a cop out.
"A long time like six months? Or-"
"No, a long time like eighth grade." Maya chokes out, the words burning like an exorcism. Riley stares. And stares. And-
"Maya." She can hear a million things in her name when Riley says it. It sounds like an expletive.
"I didn't tell you, because I thought…what good would it have done? You were happy, and he was happy, and I was okay, I was fine-"
"You were fine? For four years you were fine while I dated Lucas and you had feelings for him?" Riley asks incredulously. Maya winces.
"It was…manageable. I had you, you're all I really need." She says. Riley sits up.
"But...you lied. About something huge." Her eyes are wide, and she looks more betrayed than angry. It hits Maya like a wave of guilt.
"Yeah, I did. And I'm…I'm so sorry." Her voice breaks. "I'm sorry I lied to you, Riles, maybe it was stupid, maybe it was wrong, I don't know, I just didn't want to hurt you-"
"So you…" Riley scrubs a hand tiredly across her face. "So you never told me that you were in love with my boyfriend, to protect me."
Maya stiffens.
"I didn't say-"
"I'm not an idiot, Maya." Riley mutters. "Four years is a long time. And you wouldn't be telling me this now if you just liked him."
There's something in her voice that makes Maya suspicious.
"Did you…did you know?" She asks, eyes sweeping across Riley's face.
"I wondered." Riley admits. "I mean I wasn't sure but…I guess I just always figured if it was true you would tell me." Her face clouds over in thought. "You let me talk about him all the time, the first time he told me he loved me, the first time we had sex-"
"Because that's what best friends are for." Maya says, sighing. "And I was happy to be there for you, Riley. I would never have wanted to miss out on those parts of your life."
"But it must have been hard," Riley says thoughtfully, "to hear."
Maya shrugs.
"Yes and no. I was still happy for you. The way your face would light up when you talked about him…it was always worth it for me." She murmurs. It did break her heart, every time. But some things are worth that.
"Maya." Riley's eyes are intense on Maya's face. "Why are you telling me this now?"
There's a very pregnant pause, and the brunette's face tightens in surprise when it hits her.
"Because something happened." She says slowly. "Something happened with you and Lucas. And you want…my permission?"
Maya presses her thumbs against her eyelids, exhausted.
"No, I don't…I just need to know if you….because I won't-" She can't get the words out, she doesn't even know what she's trying to say anymore. "I don't want to hurt you."
When she opens her eyes Riley has rolled onto her back, staring at the ceiling.
"Then what do you want, Maya?"
"I want to take all of this back, and move to California with you, and watch you become a famous artist and never lose you." She says quietly.
"And Lucas?" Riley prompts.
"Yes." Maya says, after seconds tick by. "I want Lucas too."
It feels liberating to finally admit that, to Riley. At least it's out there now. At least the lies can stop.
"When I'm with Lucas," Riley starts, "do you know what I want do?"
Maya shrugs.
"I want to get donuts. And watch the Knicks. And talk about rabbits." She smiles, almost to herself. Then she turns to look at Maya. "What do you want to do when you're with Lucas?" She asks.
Maya doesn't really want to answer that, not laying in bed next to his ex-girlfriend, when her answer is not nearly as PG. So she says nothing.
"Exactly." Riley says. Maya doesn't know what that means.
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying…a long time ago, I used to look at Lucas like you do. And I just don't anymore. And I know he feels the same. I'll always love him, but I'm not in love with him. And you obviously are."
"Riley."
"No, it's okay. It makes…actually it makes a lot of sense. I'm kind of annoyed I didn't see it sooner." She muses.
"I don't understand."
"I am okay. Lucas and I are just friends, this time for good. If you want to be with him, it's not going to hurt me. I mean it might be awkward…" She mutters, brow creasing. "But I'm pretty sure that will pass."
Maya can't breathe. This was too easy.
"You're supposed to hate me." She blurts out. Riley stares at her.
"For suffering for four years so I could be happy?"
"For lying…and –and liking your boyfriend, and being selfish-"
"Oh, Peaches." Riley says softly. She reaches down to take Maya's hand, squeezing it hard. "You're the least selfish person I have ever met in my life. And I could never hate you. I have to leave, and I know Farkle is leaving too, and believe it or not I would be glad to know you had someone. Especially someone like Lucas. Someone has to look after you while I'm gone." Her eyes water, and Maya isn't far behind.
"I'm sorry." She says it vehemently, like maybe if she just means it enough she won't feel so bad.
"Don't be." Riley's voice is firm. "Don't be sorry anymore, okay? It's alright, we're alright."
At her words, something in Maya breaks. Like the feeling of your bedroom door closing behind after the worst day. It's safe. It's over. And that's when the tears come.
The first sob is soft, and Riley pulls her in, her arms the only think holding Maya together. It's not sadness, just overwhelming relief, and Maya holds tight to her friend while she cries the guilt out of her system.
When it's over, Riley stroking Maya's hair, a phone buzzes on the nightstand.
"That's you." Riley says quietly. Maya rolls over to check it.
Just checking in. Call me when you can.
It's Lucas. Maya sighs.
"You should call him." Riley says from behind her.
"I-"
"I'm not going anywhere, Maya."
Maya nods, rolling out of bed. She presses a kiss to Riley's head.
"I love you, you know." Maya says, flashing back to a couple weeks ago when she said the same thing. Riley smiles.
"I know."
Grabbing her shoes, Maya makes her usual exit out the window. Looking down from the fire escape, she spots a familiar blue truck. She smiles. Swiping at her phone, she presses it to her ear.
"Hello?"
"Look up." She tells him. He does, a wide grin breaking out across his face when he sees her.
"Need a hand?" He asks, watching her climb slowly down.
"No." She says, phone wedged between her ear and neck. But she hears the truck door open anyways. And when she reaches the bottom step she just lets go.
He catches her, like she knew he would.
"Hi." He says, blinking down at her.
She doesn't answer him, just grabs his face and kisses him. It isn't the same as that morning, all chaos and heartbreak. This time it's the answer to a question, her lips firm and insistent on his. She can feel his heartbeat through his shirt, and she grins against his lips. Her fingers curl in his hair, and he bites down gently on her lower lip. She shivers.
"Lucas-" She gasps, breaking away. He stares down at her, dazed.
"So," he says hoarsely. "I guess it went okay?"
She beams at him, content in a way she's never been before, the smile threatening to break her face in two.
"Yeah." She says. "It went okay."
He sets her down inside the truck. His smile drops off.
"Maya."
She falters at his expression.
"What?"
"Your foot." He points. The exaggerated arch of her shoes must have torn the cut, her bandage is now soaked through with crimson. She hadn't even noticed.
"Oh." She says, wiggling her toes. The burning deepens.
"I'm taking you to get stitches." He decides, closing her door and jumping into the left side.
"Can I change first?" She asks. He looks surprised that she isn't arguing, but then his eyes trail over her outfit.
"I could say no." He tells her with a grin. She leans forward.
"Could you?" She murmurs, inches from his face, voice low. He gulps.
"Okay, so, taking you home." He mutters, starting the truck. She snorts.
"I could get used to this." She muses. Beside her, he rolls his eyes.
"What have I gotten myself into?"