25. The First Crack

"I tore the dreams from my head and tossed them in the flames

And the smoke smelled like my past and it stung my eyes,

But I was too stubborn to blink and I slept inside the piano

Till the rain was gone, and I woke up when I saw the sun

And wiped the sleep from my eyes

Yeah, I knew my time had come."

From Sleepwalking by Radical Face

It was already dark when someone stepped on the wrong ice, which cracked, and everybody went tumbling down. There was a suffocating moment in which Cloud thought he might actually die then, but fortunately the fall ended quickly. He felt a muted shadow of a pain as his back collided with the icy floor. He could barely feel anything through the thick padded snowsuit that Barret had procured for them earlier. Cloud fumbled into a sitting position. The wind was strong in the narrow ravine they had fallen into. It almost knocked him back down again. He crouched lower, then pushed the mask up on his head. The wind cut into his face like acid. He opened his mouth to speak and felt like his teeth were already blocks of ice, falling off one by one.

"Everyone all right?" He called, loud. There were grunts here and there. Cloud pushed himself to sit up higher, fighting the wind, and counted the dark lumps that were moving. The wind sliced against his nose and eyes. He gritted his teeth as he pulled the mask back down on his face.

"Got snow in my ear." He heard Nanaki mutter.

"So, where did we land?" Yuffie yelled behind her mask. Their voices came out all muffled by leather and wind. It was hard to hear.

"I don't know. A ravine of some kind." Cloud called back. He scrambled up to his feet, grabbing the rocky wall for support. Yuffie and Tifa were almost flat against the walls.

"There's a way through here." It was Vincent, his usually low and quiet voice raised over the blizzard. Cloud followed his finger and saw a narrow path leading up to an entrance of a cave. The thick blackness inside looked dangerous, even sinister. He hesitated a little but knew that he had no choice.

"Alright. We'll freeze if we stay here any longer. Let's get inside."

Everyone took cautious steps along the walls. Finally, the last of them, Nanaki with Cait Sith holding on tightly onto his head, made it into the cave. The air still felt more solid than was possible, frozen and cutting like knives, but at least the caves blocked them from the wind.

"Thought I was dyin' back there." Cid sighed as soon as the mask was off.

"Yeah, thought I was a goner too. Makin' a last wish was what I was doin'." Barret shuddered as he peered out of the cave. It had gotten dark so fast, and even the dark here was laced with icy blue all over.

"What was your last wish?" Yuffie asked. Barret shrugged, looking a little embarrassed. As Yuffie opened her mouth to press on, Cloud interrupted.

"Listen, guys. It's not too late to back out." And he meant it. He would go it alone if he had to. It might have been his punishment. His crimes were always catching him by the legs, too deep, and sometimes he didn't know what they were for. What was his crime? But long enough in jail, you forgot to wonder, too.

"The hell you talkin' about? Wasn't no one thinkin' of leavin'." Barret grumbled. There was a general murmur of agreement. Cloud looked around at all of them. Some had reasons to be here, some didn't really, but they were all staying with him. Just like the punishment, he thought, he did not really know the reason for it.

"Thank you." Cloud finally said. The only thing.

When the dawn broke, the wind ceased for a brief moment and the white snow was graced with the golden sun raining down on it. The particles sparkled. They walked out of through the back of the cave, an opening that Vincent had found, and stared out at the wide horizon. There was a ragged block of a mountain, or a cliff, at the far end and that was where they would go. Cloud knew without knowing how.

There was a light drumming, rhythmical sound, and Cloud realized that it was his heart beating. His senses were sharper than usual. The fresh morning air cut through his exposed face, and every breath he took and held and sighed out, came out a silent fog. He took a deep haul of a breath and the air filled his lungs with startling clarity. He listened to his heart beat faster and faster. One step, then two. The wind wasn't so bad yet, but the blizzard might attack any moment. Cloud looked back at the others to check if they were prepared.

"That's it right there?" Nanaki asked, gesturing at the cliff on the horizon. Cloud nodded.

"Yes, that's it." And he was unable to say anything more. How he appreciated them all.

How his journey might end right there one way or another, and how afraid he thought he should be. He couldn't say any of those for he lacked the words to express the quiver of his eyelashes and the way each breath drew the same letters in the air, but they looked like they all understood. Cid nodded to Cloud, Yuffie shrugged and Tifa gave him a thin smile that looked out of place in such a cold place. Cloud and turned his head to face the End. The end of what, he didn't know.

"You know, standing here like this… Kinda makes you feel like the Planet's not on our side, don't it?" Barret said suddenly. No one asked what he meant. They all looked out to the endless field of white and understood. "Of course we can't even compete. I mean… The Planet don't even notice us humans…" Barret continued on anyway, staring blankly out at the open air. The snow and the white were so vast and so empty, frighteningly meaningless and just sitting there – staring, watching, maybe waiting. Cloud felt small.

"Yeah, but we've gotta try." He said more to himself than anyone else.

"Damn! If I could just get back in the air, this'd be nothing!" Cid complained, as his spear stabbed the snow and it squashed softly. And they started walking.

They'd been preparing for the icy wind that had hit them earlier, but found the bitterness of the cold strangely melting away as they kept climbing the rocky path up to the top of the cliff. They couldn't see where it eventually led to. A bit further ahead the path steepened abruptly, becoming almost vertical, and the scantly dispersed trees and a big plate of protruding rock were blocking the view.

"Is it just me… or is it getting warmer?" Yuffie tore her mask away. She tensed for a second as she waited for the wind to bite her face, but nothing happened. She shrugged. There was a little commotion as the others started taking off their masks too.

Cloud took his off, and waited to feel something. He didn't feel anything. No wind, no cold. It seemed almost ridiculous that they were wearing these thick snow suits. Cloud unzipped the front of his jacket and still felt nothing.

The snow and ice were still there, covering the ground and the rocks, blanketed thickly over the bare branches and the ancient green of the needle leaf trees.

Something wet touched his cheek. Startled, Cloud spun around and found Yuffie staring up at him, smearing something on his cheek. Cloud grabbed her hand and saw glistening white on it. Snow.

"What're you doing?" He frowned, wiping off the wetness from his face. Yuffie shrugged.

"It's snow, it's supposed to be cold but it ain't. Just testing my theory."

"How about testing it on yourself?"

"Nah, what's the fun in that? Besides, if I was wrong, my face would've ripped off." She grinned wickedly.

Cloud just shook his head. Tifa started laughing.

"But it's strange, that the air is suddenly so warm," Nanaki said, dragging his paw across the snow.

"Maybe… we just getting' used to it?" Barret suggested hopefully. "I'd hate to think somethin' sinister's involved. Y'know, like magic or somethin'. Creeps me out."

"Barret, we're goddamn chasin' a dead man, who's after a land of goddamn eternal happiness," Cid said. Barret frowned.

"Yeah, I mean, with Sephiroth," Tifa said. "You just don't know."

"So Sephiroth can make the weather warm, too?" Yuffie asked, impressed.

"I don't think there is warmth." It was Vincent, speaking so suddenly that it made everybody jump.

"Well… okay?" Yuffie frowned. She took off her snow jacket. She was wearing her Wutai clothes underneath. Her bare arms shone white under the pale sun. She waited for a minute for the cold, which never came.

"So how do you call this, huh?" She said to Vincent, with her chin sticking out. Vincent's expression never changed.

"It's not the presence of warmth, it's the absence of cold. If there had been warmth, the snow would melt."

While everybody was thinking about this, Vincent took off his suit as well and the red, battered cloak revealed itself again, looking more blood-like against the white veil of lukewarm snow.

"Agh, what the hell. It's making me dizzy." Cid complained and ripped out of his suit. As Cloud dropped the jacket on the ground below, a realization hit him. He looked up at Vincent.

"Wait, do you think… that something is keeping away the cold? Like it's… scaring it away?"

Before Vincent could speak, Cait Sith whispered, sounding slightly fascinated and sick at the same time. "What could possibly scare away… the coldness?"

"Yes, Cloud. That's what I think." Vincent answered. Cid sighed, exasperated.

"Great. An' we're just walkin' straight into it."

They walked some more in silence. Cloud found himself thinking the same sentence over and over again.

That was when he saw it first. He was walking at the head of the group so it made sense that he'd spot it first, but there was something else. Something else grabbed his attention so sharply that it almost knocked him out of breath. It was a squirming form, huddle of black coat that lay in the middle of the road when they turned the corner around a large rock. Cloud stopped abruptly. Others did too, at seeing the form. He heard Tifa gasp.

The form raised its head at hearing them. It was a person… or at least something similar to a person. It was not like he was missing an eye, or that his face, left and right, were unbalanced. He even looked a little familiar to Cloud, the dark red hair and brown eyes, the freckles across his face. On his forehead was a black tattoo. Its shapes were rather abstract, grotesquely minimal, and seemed to spell a VII. Number seven.

It was just his face, the expression on it. Completely devoured by rage and hatred, consumed and burning, exploding inhumanity. It chilled him, the non-existent cold seeping through his blood.

The man opened his mouth to speak and his eyes widened at seeing Cloud. No coherent words came out. He sputtered shreds of a scream, contorted with ugly rage. It cut off abruptly. He was dead on the ground but his eyes were still staring at Cloud. Wide open, brown but with the red rims where his veins had ruptured.

They encountered a few more cloaked figures like that on the way. Each time, they passed it in a hurry. Each time, those disfigured shapes groaned and stared, and then died. Cloud avoided looking too closely at those faces.

Cloud could see the trees suddenly clearing not far up from where he walked. He stopped. Vincent glanced at him questioningly.

"That's it, that's the top of the mountain." Cloud explained. They couldn't yet see what lay beyond; only the pale white sky stretching endlessly, and no trees to hinder the view. Cloud stared for a moment longer. Then he started walking again.

As he kept climbing, the rugged horizon of the top of the mountain lowered and lowered until he could peek out and see beyond. What he saw was a steep downfall. No snow there. The snow and ice just ended, abruptly like that, and the ground was almost vertical as it dropped down to a pit in the middle. Everything was dead in and around the hole. Plant life ended suddenly as the hole started, and even the dirt and the rocks there seemed dead. Cloud stopped just at the edge of it. He looked down.

"What's that? Whoa…" Yuffie stumbled, almost fell but Cid grabbed hold of her. They all watched as the pebble Yuffie had kicked down tumbled fast to the center, where a strange sort of energy seemed to be pulling everything toward it. The pebble didn't reach that far, though. It broke and shattered, and became pieces of dirt midway. Yuffie shuddered and turned her eyes away from it. Barret glared at it, as if he could will it away.

"I don't like this." Nanaki said finally, after a long silence.

"What's this?" Cid frowned.

"An old crater, it seems like." Cloud said. "Something fell out of the sky and crashed down here… Leaving a scar on the planet." He hardly knew where his words were coming from. They felt like scripted lines.

"A scar…?" Tifa mused, looking thoughtfully at the crater.

"And the planet is trying to heal its wounds by gathering all its energy here?" Cait Sith said. Cloud thought it made sense, so he nodded.

"Sounds about right," he said. "But we can't be sure."

"If Aerith was here, she'd be tellin' us…" Barret started, but trailed away.

"Yeah, she would." Tifa said quickly to close the topic. She glanced nervously at Cloud. Cloud suddenly felt their stares. They all looked at him, looked around him like he might break down or something. He tried to say something, the air came out once, twice, and finally he managed to speak in a normal voice again.

"It'd have been nice," he said. Again, he hardly knew what he was talking about.

Their steps became heavier as they neared the center. They were all walking carefully, making sure the ground would hold before taking a step. One misstep, and they could roll down uncontrollably. Cloud was leading the group and Tifa was following closely behind.

"I don't know what's taking them so long." Tifa said lightly, a hint of mischief in her voice. Cloud could tell that she was trying to be bubblier than she felt, but he didn't say anything about that. It was as much for Cloud as it was for Tifa herself. He wanted to say thank you, but thought that maybe it would sound awkward so out of context.

"I heard that!" Barret yelled from behind. "Just 'cause you two mountain goats grew up in the friggin' mountain…"

Tifa laughed, and Cloud shook his head as he picked his way easily among the uneven downhill. But it was true, climbing rocky regions was much easier for the two of them, and Tifa's breath had barely hiked during the walk.

"So," she said in an easy voice, trying to sound light-hearted again. "It's time to settle things with Sephiroth, huh?"

Cloud glanced at her before nodding silently, but then she wasn't looking at Cloud. She was staring down at where her feet went and hair was covering the side of her face. So Cloud spoke out loud.

"Yeah, I guess." His voice sounded crude even to his own ears.

"I also lost… things," Tifa's voice caught at her throat, but when she finally looked up and straight ahead, there was no sign of moisture on her face. "… because of Sephiroth. So we'll go together, okay? No crap like, it's too dangerous for you, or anything like that." She looked at Cloud, straight, and suddenly Cloud wanted to laugh out loud. It was like they were little kids again, deciding who would go into the haunted mansion.

"Yeah, I know, Tifa. Friends are supposed to stick together." He said. Then he smiled, and thought it might have reached his lips this time; because Tifa smiled too. She looked a little taken aback at first, but then her face broke out in a brilliant smile that made Cloud feel like a kid again.

Cloud was about to say something else when a loud noise interrupted them. He looked up and found a familiar shape loom over them, casting a large shadow. It was an airship, and it looked familiar though he could not remember where he'd seen it. Apparently, though, someone else recognized it.

"Highwind!" Cid yelped, almost knocked backwards from looking up so fast.

"Your name?" Barret said. Cid growled at him.

"No, you idiot! That's the Highwind, the airship I personally built a few years back!"

"That's yours?" Yuffie asked in surprise.

"Yes! I mean, technically, yes. I built it so it should be mine but… those damn Shinra took it from me." He seemed to be seething with rage. Barret patted his arm sympathetically.

"But the important thing is," Nanaki said, earning a deathly glare from Cid. "That Shinra is here. Why are they here?"

"It don't matter why. Ev'ry time they show up, somethin' bad happens!" Barret said. No one could argue with that. They all watched with distaste as the Highwind lowered itself down onto the ground, beyond the other edge of the crater.

"It'll take some time for them to walk here." Cait Sith said.

"You! You sold us out again, huh?" Cid wheeled around facing the toy cat, who squirmed back a little on Nanaki's head. Nanaki growled softly, threatening.

"No! I swear… not this time!" Cait Sith protested. Cid narrowed his eyes, took a menacing step forward but Vincent's arm held him back.

"That's not important now." He said in a matter-of-fact voice. Cid glowered at him for a second, then a little longer at Cait Sith, but eased up. Cait Sith breathed out a sigh of relief.

"Look, I don't expect you to believe me a hundred percent… But it's the truth."

"Yeah, whatever." Cid growled.

"So what do we do now?" Tifa asked, eyeing the general vicinity of the Highwind's landing spot. They couldn't see the airship from where they stood.

"I guess we keep going." Cloud quirked his eyebrow. Tifa nodded, Yuffie rolled her eyes, Cid heaved a deep sigh and Barret clapped his hands together as if in prayer. Cloud watched all of this, with a distinct feeling of detachment, like he was half out of his body. Looking through the light blue eyeballs, but not really seeing. He wondered why they needed him to point out the obvious. Of course they kept going. What else were they going to do?

"Cloud. Are you alright?"

Cloud startled at Vincent's voice, a hand on his shoulder that suddenly brought him back to reality. Cloud stared at it, heartbeat thumping irregularly. The heartbeats. Yes, he could feel them again. Also the not-cold wind that tousled his hair. He saw the dust swirling a little above the ground, making circles. He heard the complete nothingness in the air. No birds, no animals around here. They'd all fled. And it suddenly occurred to Cloud that they should have done the same. They should just turn back right now, walk out… while they still could.

"Cloud?" Vincent frowned a little, his grip on Cloud's shoulder tightening. Cloud looked up.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Let's go."

He turned and started walking down the slope again. His heart kept beating like a frightened little bird, trying to escape from the rib cage.

In the middle of the crater lay a big slap of rock. Only it was also a wall. A gate. Cloud could see that there were steps leading around the rock and spiraling down beneath. They weren't artificial steps. Pieces of rocks and earth shaped and formed themselves to form a perfect stairway to whatever lay beyond. Yuffie tiptoed to peak at it, but only darkness seemed to be staring back at her. They wouldn't know what was in there, unless they climbed in themselves. Yuffie took a deep breath.

"So, I guess we're going in?"

"Look, Yuffie. No one's making you come. If you don't wanna…" Cloud started, only to be kicked in the shin by the princess of Wutai.

"Shut up, Cloud. Whatya think I am, a coward?"

She wasn't looking at Cloud, though. She was glaring at the dark hole beneath the rock, glaring like her eyes could light a fire and let them see what was there.

"Apparently not." Barret rolled his eyes. "Awright, who's goin' first?"

"I…" Cloud started speaking again, but was interrupted. Again.

"No one's makin' you go first, buddy." Cid cocked his eyebrow. "For all we know, this could be a trap for you."

"Yeah, I know, that's why I should…"

"Shut up, Cloud." Yuffie said for the second time, and before any of them could do anything, jumped into the hole first.

"Yuffie!" Cloud ran after her. His foot stepped on the top piece of rock-stair, then his other foot shot forward and found nothing but air where another step should have been. Cloud watched his foot slash the liquid-dark air like a blade, then his other foot following the pattern, and then himself falling down. The darkness embraced him like hellfire. He felt something grab his arm, and looked up to meet Tifa's wide eyes staring back at him before the black cut him off completely. Then he could see nothing, feel nothing except that he was falling. He was falling, and the air should have put up some resistance but it didn't. It let Cloud seep through its holes, like it was afraid of something. Cloud fell and it was a moment before his body crashed into the ground, right arm first. He felt the bones cracking but acknowledged no pain at all. He sat up, supporting himself with his unbroken left arm and looking around himself. There was nothing but dark. Color black so dark… it almost stabbed and burned the eyes looking at it. But still he looked.

"Yuffie? Tifa?" He called. His voice came out hoarse, and it didn't travel far. The darkness swallowed it whole. It didn't let Cloud move, but he had to. He felt around himself frantically, calling out but no voice came out. Tifa. Yuffie. And whoever else fell in with me…

His right arm dangled broken by his side. It got swept by the floor, crackling like marionette dolls whose strings had been cut off. But he felt no pain. It was almost like the darkness had swallowed that too. His voice, his pain, his sight, possibly his friends… And now it was coming for him. Cloud opened his eyes wide as if that would make a difference. As if…

"This is the end… for all of you."

A voice rang so clear through the darkness. For a moment it cut through the black and through the ends left flailing like torn sleeves of a shirt, Cloud saw something. Someone. He started to move forward but the darkness blocked him again. The cut had healed.

But Cloud knew whose voice it was. The voice that could make the darkness itself bleed black. He blinked, seeing his heartbeat quicken but not really feeling it.

"Sephiroth?" Cloud called, looking around. An answer, and there will be another cut. He could see where they were. If they were alive.

"Sephiroth! This is not the end!"

He waited, knowing that a response would come. It always did. Sephiroth loved playing with his puppet, after all. Crunching it, breaking it, gluing the piece back together and watching it come all apart over again. Cloud took a deep breath. Sephiroth enjoyed watching him going mad. Rage, doubt, guilt, it didn't matter. And Cloud had all.

"Sephiroth! I am not your puppet!" He yelled, though he couldn't hear himself speak and god knew where his voice went, lost in the maze of the blackness. But Sephiroth would hear it, alright. Cloud yelled again. "I am not your puppet! I…"

"What, you are a person now, Cloud?"

Sephiroth's voice came from so close, it was all Cloud could do not to choke on his own heartbeat. But the moment Sephiroth's voice reached his ears, there was another slice and Cloud could see for just another second. What he saw, who he saw, made his heart sink. Everyone. Everyone had followed him into this, but he couldn't see them long enough to decide if they were still alive or just a pile of empty bodies on the floor.

And another thing. He saw something glint, just a little speck, on the floor beside a shadow of one of his friends.

"I've always been a person." Cloud muttered. He didn't bother yelling now. There was no point. Sephiroth would hear him, he was sure, his old friend would come back to mock him. That toneless voice.

"Is that what you think?" Sephiroth sounded amused. Cloud heaved a sigh, flopping back onto the ground. He let his left arm lay silent on the ground beside that glint of silver.

"Stop playing games with me, Sephiroth. I came here. Isn't that what you wanted?"

Even as he said it, anything that jumped into his mind, Cloud realized that it must be true. And it left him feeling like a little bird again. Trapped inside a cage, staring so hard at the blue sky that the bars between them would disappear. Thinking it was by some kind of free will, that he'd chosen to remain in the cage.

"Well, I wouldn't call this… a game, Cloud."

Sephiroth's voice was so near. It was hard, in that split second, to figure out where it was coming from. Behind his back? His right side? He could feel the heavy weight of Sephiroth's voice gashing the darkness open again and again. Each time he moved just a little bit more, reached for the silver.

"You're not the same. You… you're just mad." Cloud said. Sephiroth chuckled humorlessly.

And it was in that moment when his hand was close enough to the silver, wrapped itself around it, and then he went with his gut feeling. He threw himself to the place where he thought Sephiroth would be, gripping the silver tight. Every current of darkness rebelled against him, but they were too surprised to hold him. Cloud felt the silver cutting through it, then stabbing at something. There was a gasp, barely above a whisper that he thought he must have imagined it…

And then it was gone.

Cloud fell face-first onto the ground from the momentum that still carried him. There was only air where he had stabbed something solid just moments ago. But it was air that was free of darkness. It was still dark, but there were shades and shapes that were distinguishable. Cloud's arm automatically flew to his head to protect it from crashing into the ground. Only it was his left one, unfortunately. Cloud let out a surprised gasp when he felt a familiar pain shooting through his arms, shoulders, sending a current of tattered electricity.

"Cloud! Are you alright?" It was Tifa's voice. Then he felt a gentle hand touching his shoulder, but it was the left one. Cloud breathed in sharply.

"Tifa, I think my arm… is broken."

"You think? Why'd you hafta jump in like that? And whatcha doin' with my spear?" Cid grumbled. Cloud opened his eyes, not knowing when he had closed them, to find Tifa crouched beside him and Cid standing behind her. It was still dark so he could just make out their shapes.

"Wait, you don't know what just happened?" Cloud struggled to sit up, suppressing the pain and the groan. Someone grabbed his good arm and helped him up. Cloud jerked his head around to find Vincent's silent stare.

"What happened?" Vincent asked in a grave voice. Cloud paused. He realized that the glint of silver he had stabbed Sephiroth with, the ghost of him or something, was the tip of Cid's spear. He held it out to Cid.

"Nothing. I thought it was Sephiroth."

"An' you were gonna stick him with my spear?" Cid asked incredulously.

"Well, I was desperate. I don't think it was…"

Cloud flinched as Vincent grabbed his left shoulder and clicked it back into place. He would have to stay still for a while, as the Mako in his veins and bones worked to heal it.

" … Sephiroth, anyway."

"Maybe it was." Nanaki said from below. He was sniffing about the grounds around him. "I smell something sinister was, indeed, here a moment ago."

"Well, it's gone now." Cloud said. He wasn't going to remind them if they didn't remember. The memory of the suffocating darkness still made his bones chill.

"Stay on alert." Vincent said simply.

"Wait." It was Yuffie. Though he couldn't see her face, Cloud heard her voice tremble. It wasn't of fear, though. Surprise… and excitement?

"What is it?" Barret asked. Yuffie held up her hand as if to shush him, bent down and picked something up from the ground.

Cloud's breath caught when he realized what it was.

"Hey, is it…" Cid started, but Yuffie didn't let him finish. She was almost jumping out of her skin with excitement.

"Black Materia! Looks like Sephiroth was really here, and he left this precious thing behind too!" She was laughing. "All this time chasin' Materia finally pays off…"

And she held the Materia out to Cloud. Cloud took it without really thinking, but one look at the fluid blackness that was still darker than anything in the cave, and he was reminded of everything, again. His defeat. He was still afraid. To repeat the mistake again. To be the puppet… again.

"Wait," He stammered, gripping hard at the Materia and at the same time wanting to drop it. "I… I can't hold onto this."

"What? Why?" Barret said. As if he didn't know. Cloud shook his head.

"I might go nuts again. Yuffie, could…"

"Oh, no thanks. I don't want anything to do with that Black Materia." Yuffie jumped back.

"You? Refusing Materia?" Cid was incredulous. Yuffie shook her head, retreating a step further back.

"You don't understand. When I touched it… ugh, that thing is so… evil. So powerful." There was genuine fear in her voice. And that, more than anything, seemed to have scared everyone else. Cloud turned to Cid next, but he was shaking his head before Cloud got a word out.

"Me and Black Materia just don't mix." He said.

"Barret…"

"Why don't you hold onto it, huh? Nothin' bad gon' happen." Barret said unconvincingly. Cloud let out a sigh. "I don't think I can."

"Fine, I'll take it. Damn, man! Pressure's on me now." Barret grumbled, taking the Materia gingerly. Cloud felt a weight lift as soon as his fingers left the Materia. Barret, in turn, gasped. He cursed something inaudible.

"Shouldn't we hurry? The real Sephiroth is still close, right?" Yuffie said.

"Yeah." Cloud mumbled. He had a feeling. A bad feeling that gnawed at the back of his head. As his feet carried him further into the cave, he got that sensation again, that he was out of his body and just watching himself going through the motion. Cloud's body looked so sure, walking fast, staring ahead. His mind knew better. It was as if it had taken refuge outside of its body, which was surely destined for something terrible. He stared at himself and at the same time heard his mind whisper condolences to him. As if he was already dead. As good as that, anyhow. Cloud wished Vincent would grab him in the shoulder again and bring him back to reality, force his mind to join with his body again. But how to communicate it, when he couldn't seem to do anything more than stare?

The cave got darker and darker. Until it wasn't.

It was white all over. It wasn't exactly light, but just the absence of darkness. Cloud closed his eyes, and someone held his arm. Gripped it tightly, and he was back in himself again.

"Cloud! What's this? What happened?"

"Calm down, Tifa." Cloud heard himself speak. He felt his heart once again. "Sephiroth is near… anything could happen."

And, well, it did. When Cloud opened his eyes again, quicker than anyone else, what he saw left him speechless. He stared at his surroundings. It probably should have scared him more, but he couldn't even muster up enough energy to be scared. Just one word escaped his mouth, like a silent prayer, or a curse.

"Nibelheim."

"What? Nibelheim? Are you high on Mako or…" Barret opened his eyes, and the rest of his sentence trailed away. He stared around himself, eyes wide.

"What the hell?" Cid grumbled. Tifa tried to speak something, but no words came out.

Welcome to Nibelheim.

Cloud stared at the familiar battered sign that had been falling apart forever.

The barren trees, the wooden gate, the dirt that invaded every breath. They were in front of Nibelheim once again.

"But why Nibelheim? This is freaky, really freaky!" Yuffie shuddered.

"Tell me 'bout it." Cid quirked his eyebrow. The sun was high up, probably noon. It wasn't golden, just a pale white with a streak of yellow around the rims, the best that the Nibelheim sun could ever get.

"This is an illusion Sephiroth made up. He's trying to confuse us." Cloud said. He was unnerved by all this, true, but he wasn't going to fall for Sephiroth's tricks again. Wasn't going to be a puppet in his games.

"It'll be alright. As long as we now it's an illusion, there's nothing to be afraid of." He said more to convince himself than anything else. "Come on, let's keep going."

"Yeah, you're right. Let's go." Tifa said. Cloud noticed she was flighty, more nervous than usual. And she was in such a hurry to get out of this place, as if… As if she knew what was coming?

Or who was coming.

Cloud stared as four people marched up to the gate. His heart had gone numb. He didn't know why, he only recognized one of them. Sephiroth, leading the other three to the gate. Cloud tried calling but his voice wouldn't come out right. Broken. Sephiroth stopped at the front of the gate, touched the battered sign that Cloud now realized was soaked. The ground had puddles, and the air was moist too. He realized which day this was. The day that he'd visited Nibelheim, first time since he'd left. Before Sephiroth had gone… When he was still a friend. A comrade. And Cloud remembered seeing it, Sephiroth touching that sign like he was fascinated by all this.

Cloud turned his eyes to where he knew, remembered, himself would be but wasn't surprised when he found someone else. It was Sephiroth's game. He could be trying anything to confuse them, or to add to the pile of doubt in Cloud's mind. It was already built on so many layers that one more pebble might trip it. Bring the whole thing tumbling down…

Only Cloud wasn't going to fall for that. Not anymore.

And that was how, he thought later, how he had made himself look. Where Cloud remembered standing, watching uneasily as Sephiroth mused over his hometown, someone else now stood. He remembered feeling anxious. He hadn't wanted to be the 'country boy', even if he was. He remembered thinking all this was too small, too dirty, too old. The sign and the buildings and the unpaved roads and the people who still got their water from drinking wells.

And even though he remembered all that, he saw someone else standing where he should have been. The man was a SOLDIER too, a first class. He had a hair like raven, black with a streak of deep blue. He wore a peculiar expression. He was watching Sephiroth in Cloud's place and probably not thinking about how backwater this village of his was, but he still looked like he had a lot to say. His lips were twitching as if the words were banging on them to be let out. He had Mako eyes, blue, like the sky after a hurricane. Behind him stood two faceless infantrymen. They were wearing their masks.

"Sephiroth…" The man finally spoke, when Sephiroth's musing continued. His voice was lighter than Cloud had expected. A little sharp around the edges, too, like his eyes. Only something about his expression, crumpled up like a puppy in pain, smudged those sharpness and eased the tension. "That sign contain the mysteries of the universe or something?"

"No." Sephiroth's answer was brief. He looked back at the man, who was now wearing an exasperated expression completed with arms crossed in front of his chest. It was a little overdone, Cloud thought, but that was how the man functioned. Everything about him reached over and under the normal boundaries. From his wild raven hair that he'd tried to sweep back unsuccessfully, to the gigantic sword that he carried like a feather on his back… wait.

Cloud recognized that sword.

"All right, let's go." Sephiroth said. The four men walked past the sign and into the village.

Cloud's hand automatically flew above his right shoulder. He gripped the sword, weighing the familiar substance. It felt right in his palms. It was his sword, after all. And the same one that the unfamiliar man was carrying on his back. Cloud watched their backs as they made their way into the center of the town square. There was no one there. They would meet no one else until they entered the inn. Then all eyes would fall upon them, some curious but mostly fearful, and Cloud would feel a slight throb at his side. Because, even after everything, it had been his home. Cloud knew all that. He remembered.

"That ain't… Cloud." Barret said. They had all been watching the bizarre scene unfold, silently following this illusion Sephiroth had made. Cid arched his eyebrows.

"Real perceptive, champ."

"I mean… you know what I mean. Ain't this the day you told us about, Cloud? 'Cept that black-haired boy. You didn't tell us 'bout him." Barret wheeled around to face Cloud. Cloud felt like he might suffocate. He felt the raindrops lingering and seeping into the air around them.

"That's 'cause he wasn't there. I don't know who he is. That should be me in his place."

And then the strangest thing. Tifa looked away like she had heard some awful truth, looking like she might burst into tears. Cloud was about to ask her what was wrong, when there was another white flash like before and he felt the world around him melt and mould itself into a different allusion. In the swirling mess of particles and white light, it suddenly occurred to him that it could have been something else that Tifa had heard. An awful lie. But he didn't have time to dwell on that, because. Because, well.

The next illusion. Perhaps he should have guessed. Maybe he already had, just didn't want to acknowledge it. Cloud heard the familiar smell of death, felt the red flames flickering their tongues at him. The heat was unbearable, skinning the air, but he could barely feel it. And he knew it wasn't because this was an illusion. He remembered the day like it was seconds ago. It was because he couldn't. Feel. Anything.

"This is terrible… Did Sephiroth…" Nanaki didn't finish his question. He already knew the answer. Vincent looked about himself with an unreadable expression, at the houses and the soil and the sky burning.

Yuffie's glances darted around the fires, taking everything in, burning with fear and disgust. Cloud just closed his eyes. He didn't want to go through it again. He'd already played it back in his mind a million times before. He'd lived every moment again and again. He knew where he was and what would happen next.

"This is what happened five years ago. But it's… probably not me that's going to come out of the Shinra mansion." Cloud opened his eyes and stared at the door of the mansion, half-hidden by the orange sparks that danced and screamed. "He's going to try and show us another illusion."

It was that man again. He was a mess. Chunks of his raven hair had burnt, the rest disheveled. Black ashes and soot were smudged all over his face and his exposed arms, and his uniform was torn and burnt. And his eyes. They were wide. Cloud knew it was fear in them, disbelief, betrayal and hurt. He remembered.

"Hey!" A voice called from behind the group. Cloud remembered who that was, too. He heard Tifa draw in a sharp breath. It was Zangan, the man who had once told Cloud that he'd taught Tifa how to fight. He was now waving to the SOLDIER.

"Hey, it's you! You're still sane, right?" Zangan yelled. The man just nodded, horror twisting his stomach and muting him. He made his way through the ashes and reached Zangan. He looked down at the bearded man, fires cracking and screeching all around them, and started in a hesitant voice.

"I think,"

He never got to finish that thought. The scene flashed white again.

They were once again standing in the town square, only it was nothing now. Only black. Small fires still crackled in some places. The sky snowed black ash. The smell, it was so sharp that it cut right through to his head. People were lying about. Burnt. Dead.

"Sephiroth," Cloud called, because he knew that Sephiroth must be watching somewhere, with a smirk on his face, enjoying his little show. "I know you're listening. I know what you want to say. That I wasn't in Nibelheim five years ago… that's it, isn't it?"

A heartbeat of a moment passed. Then a voice, that cut through everything and even the darkness, answered from behind.

"I see you finally understand."

"God, where did you come from?" Yuffie jumped.

Cloud turned slowly. He was breathing slowly too, even as his heartbeat was erratic. All the smell. It was making him dizzy.

"What you are trying to say, is that you want to confuse me, right? But even making me see those things won't affect me. I remember it all. The heat of the fire. The pain." He chose his words carefully, making each one as honest as he could. And he hoped to God that they were the truth.

"Oh, is that so?"

Because he had a feeling.

"You are just a puppet."

This feeling. That told him something was wrong.

"You cannot feel any pain."

That he had spoken a lie somehow. Though he tried so hard to be honest. He couldn't. And he didn't even know where it was wrong…

"I am not…"

Cloud tried to speak the now-familiar line of protest. I am not a puppet. It was what he held onto, what he told Sephiroth and himself over and over again. No matter how wrong they were built, how screwed up and broken and damaged they were; Sephiroth couldn't control Cloud like he held his strings in his palms. No. Humans couldn't be puppets.

But then, why couldn't he say that now? He tried to move his lips to form a sentence, to fight again, but his tongue felt cut off. Only empty, black space where it had once been.

"How can there be any meaning in the memory of such a being?" Sephiroth continued, obviously enjoying himself. Cloud wanted to tell him something, anything, but his lips wouldn't budge. He was vaguely aware of his friends watching their exchange at the back, only he couldn't really feel it. All he saw was Sephiroth against the blackened ashes of a town that once was. All he heard was the smirk in that voice, so deep and penetrating. All he could smell was death everywhere, confusion and chaos inside his head. All he could feel was…

"What I have shown you is reality. What you remember, that is the illusion… Do you understand?"

I don't want to understand.

Gradually, everything else faded too. The sights, the smells, the feelings. Until only the eyes remained. Green madness. All he saw, all he heard, all he felt. Those eyes were all he was. And Cloud understood. He finally understood.

"Why… are you doing this?" His own voice sounded distant. Only the eyes were real. That green was real. Because everything else was an illusion. He was an illusion too, now he understood. He wondered if he was crying. He didn't think so. He didn't think puppets were allowed to cry.

"I want to take you back to your real self. The one who gave me the Black Materia that day… who would have ever thought a failed experiment would prove so useful?" Sephiroth chuckled. "Hojo would die if he knew."

"Hojo?" Cloud asked, and it came out as a cracked whisper.

Sephiroth paused, relishing the moment, because this was what he had been waiting for. The truth. The truth hurt. It was so much easier to believe in a lie.

Cloud felt absolutely nothing as Sephiroth recited the truth. The one, final truth.

"Five years ago you were… constructed by Hojo, piece by piece, right after Nibelheim was burnt. A puppet made up of vibrant Jenova cells, her knowledge, and the power of Mako. An incomplete Sephiroth-clone. Not even given a number… That is your reality."

That is your truth.

"Cloud!" Tifa yelled. Cloud didn't look back. She ran to him, and grabbed his shoulder. She made him look at her. She was crying, but he wasn't. There was no emotion in his face that it scared her. She knew he had given up, but after everything? After fighting so hard, he had given up like this? One speech from Sephiroth. Cloud was so ready to believe in an awful truth that it made her angry. Ready to fall with the lightest of a push. It wasn't the top of the roof, it was a cliff, and he had no wings. When she was a kid Tifa used to think he might, because he looked about ready to fly and dissolve into the golden sunshine every time he looked up to the sky. But he didn't. He would fall, he would break.

"Close your eyes! Don't listen to him, please, Cloud…"

As Cloud finally registered Tifa, his expression shifted. He looked startled to find her crying. Of all things, he was surprised that she was scared.

"What's wrong, Tifa?" He asked. Tifa wanted to laugh, but didn't. She closed her eyes and breathed out hot tears. She looked at Cloud again and held him tight by his arms.

"All that talk of Hojo constructing you is a lie. Don't we have our memories together? Being kids together, starlit nights…"

Sephiroth started laughing.

"If that is all a lie, then why are you so scared by those words, Tifa?" Sephiroth said. His gaze locked onto Tifa's. She felt sick. Sephiroth's gaze, rather a scrutiny, left her feeling bare and shaking. Mostly because she knew. She knew he might be telling the truth.

"Shall I show everyone here, what's in your heart?"

She felt a drop of tear slide down on her cheek. She wanted to give up and start crying. Give up everything. She couldn't hold his gaze any longer. Sephiroth's green eyes were laughing, mocking, but she was crying. She dropped her eyes. More tear rolled down in burning trails. She couldn't, anymore. She couldn't look at Cloud and then lie to him.

"You look like you're not feeling well." Sephiroth mocked a concern. The tone, his voice, everything made her so angry but she couldn't look at him again. She couldn't look at Cloud. She was afraid.

"Tifa?" Cloud called her so softly. His voice was like stardust. At times she would be expecting him to fly away, so fragile, so beautiful, and other times she would be expecting him to crumble into ashes at the spot. Like a glass star bursting into a thousand pieces. Leaving only ember. Glittering ember. He was calling her now. "Tifa… is Sephiroth right?"

He sounded unsure. And another thing, he didn't sound blank either. Despite everything she looked up at that. Cloud's face looked blurry through her eyes, wet with unspoken weight of the lie. He was looking at her. Though his eyes were unsteady, fearful, unsure, he wasn't wearing that lost expression from before. And that, above everything, scared her the most. Because she just didn't know what to do anymore. Lie again? Tell the truth?

But the truth might just break him this time. He just might fly away, scuttle in ashes in the wind. And she would be left with nothing but the endless blue sky that would always, always remind me of his eyes.

"Tifa… why are you so scared?" Cloud said. Tifa wanted nothing more than to look away, but it was all she could do to stand still and hold back her tears. She couldn't even breathe. She couldn't look away from his face. Ever. And he continued to speak.

"Don't worry about me, I'm alright. You're right. I shouldn't believe a word that Sephiroth says…"

She forgot the air around her. Everything was lost to pieces of dust.

"It's true that sometimes I can't figure out who I am. There's a lot of things muddled up in my memories. But Tifa…"

She wanted to make him stop. But she didn't say anything. Her lips wouldn't move. The world was nothing but gray, Cloud remained a beautiful hue of sky blue, and his voice was like a current heading down the waterfall. Like a piece of wood engulfed in that current, Tifa heard him speak.

"But Tifa. But you said 'Long time no see', right? For a long time those words held me together. Whenever I doubted… I'd think of them and I'd know. I am the one you grew up with. I'm Cloud of Nibelheim. No matter how much I lose faith in myself, that is the truth."

And then,

the insignificant chunk of wood finally slipped and fell down the waterfall. The water and the current viciously tore it apart, smashed it into uncountable pieces. Until only the ashes remained that didn't even fly in the wind. They got swept up by the water.

"You still don't understand? Then… do you remember the picture that we took before we headed for Mt. Nibel? But surely, Tifa, you do remember?"

"Stop…" But her voice came out feeble. She wasn't sure if anyone else could have heard that.

"But there is no way Cloud would know." Sephiroth laughed. "Now… what happened to that picture?"

His eyes searched the illusionary chaos he had created. There was a man lying near the pillar of what used to be a bar, and Tifa realized she knew who it was. She felt her heart flutter weakly. Almost like a dying beat of a butterfly's wings.

"Is this it?" Sephiroth walked over to the man, the cameraman Mr. Holland. He was still clutching his camera as he died. Sephiroth slipped it from the man's hand. His foot carelessly ground against the other hand. The hand, already half-burnt, disintegrated into ash.

"Do you want to see it? It turned out pretty good." Sephiroth turned to Cloud. Tifa could only breathe.

"Cloud… don't…"

Cloud took the photo in his hands.

Cloud took the photo in his hands. He already knew what would be there. There, the raven-haired SOLDIER again in his place. And he'd already made up his mind to trust himself this time. No matter what. He wouldn't fall for Sephiroth's game again.

This picture's a fake, he thought. The truth is in my memory.

Five years ago, I came back to Nibelheim to inspect the reactor. I was sixteen. The town hadn't changed at all… what did I do? I saw my mom again. I saw the people in the town. I went to Tifa's house, but she wasn't there. I played the piano…

I spent the night and went to the reactor in the Nibel Mountains. I was excited about it. Because that was my first mission after becoming First Class SOLDIER.

Wait.

SOLDIER, First Class.

"SOLDIER, First Class…" He heard himself murmur. His head was spinning wildly.

When did I get into SOLDIER?

How did I join SOLDIER?

"Why," can't I remember?

"I'm," I'm…

That's right.

I didn't have to worry about it, because I was…

Cloud straightened up. His breathing was back to normal. He looked back to normal. There was no Sephiroth. No one else, either. He couldn't remember when they had all disappeared, but it was just him and Tifa and the dark. Sephiroth was gone and so was the illusion he'd created. They were just standing… in a dark cave again.

"Cloud?" Tifa's voice sounded frightened.

"Let's go, Tifa. I'm… I'm all right."

And his voice sounded hollow. Emptier than the dried well they used to sit by as children. His memory touched that little piece of broken glass and he shuddered.

Barret couldn't get his bearings right. One minute they were staring at this sick illusion Sephiroth had whipped up, then the next there was black. A whole lot of black. Then they found themselves standing inside a dark cave somewhere… all except for Tifa and Cloud.

And everyone looked as confused as he was.

"Are Cloud and the others awright?" He asked because he had to, not that he expected an answer.

"Where are we?" Nanaki growled.

"You mean you don't know? Dammit, I was countin' on you…" Barret sighed. Nanaki had the best sense of direction of the whole lot. And if he couldn't figure out where the hell they were…

"Looks like Sephiroth transported us here." Vincent said.

Just then, from the other side of the cave where there was only more darkness playing around, Tifa came running in. Barret couldn't remember a time he was this glad to see her.

"Barret! You're alright!"

"Tifa! Something's weird here! It got pitch black all of a sudden, and you an' Cloud disappeared!" Barret hoped Tifa would explain. Anything. But she shook her head.

"Cloud's in trouble. Please, come, help us! Over there…"

"Huh?" Barret blinked. Everything was so fast all of a sudden. He glanced at others behind him, but they all looked just as dumb as him.

"I don't know what's goin' on, but let's just get on with it." He decided. He'd figure things out later. That boy was in trouble, again, and he'd have to help. That was sort of what he signed up for, he guessed.

"Oh, and… you have the Black Materia, right?" Tifa suddenly asked.

And Barret had this weird feeling, that something was a little bit wrong here, but he just nodded.

"Yeah I got the Materia."

"Good."

Tifa smiled.

And Barret could've sworn that her eyes flickered to a deep shade of green, just for a second and then it was gone. It was back to her normal golden brown again. Barret hesitated, but Tifa hurried him off. She looked so desperate. She was always desperate when it came to the boy. Barret nodded, then erased all doubts from his mind. Probably it was 'cause he was so damn tired. A trick of the light or something.

Cloud watched Barret and the others run up to him. He thought he should've felt glad or relieved because they were safe, but he didn't feel anything. That should've troubled him. It didn't.

"Hey, I heard you were in trouble?" Barret said, out of breath. Cloud watched him with a blank expression. He found himself automatically counting the number, as was his habit whenever the group got back together again. He counted two less. One was Aerith. The other one was Tifa. He remembered seeing her just moments ago. His stare wandered to where she'd been standing, but there was no one there. He tried to remember what had happened to her… but couldn't, and gave up. He didn't feel worried anyway. He didn't feel anything.

"Thanks, Barret. Where's the Black Materia?" His mouth moved on its own.

"It's safe. I have it." Barret patted his pocket. His eyes were suspicious, but not suspicious enough. Cloud nodded slowly.

"I'll take it from here. Give me the… Black Materia." He held out his hand.

Barret's hand slid inside his pocket, and Cloud could see his hand gripping the Materia. But the hand stayed there, hesitating. Barret frowned.

"You alright?"

No, Cloud, don't. Don't… give up now. Not now. Not ever.

The voice is back again. Cloud knows whose it is. It's his own, and that means it doesn't have any power. It can't stop him. Cloud shakes his head.

"It's too late."

Don't do this, please. Where's Tifa?

"I don't know. I have to do it."

You don't have to… you can still fight…

"I can't. I can't fight what I am."

Cloud realized that he must have looked too blank. No wonder Barret couldn't trust him. He took a deep breath. The air pulsed through his lungs and veins, which felt strangely empty. He exhaled.

"Yeah. I'm okay." Cloud managed a smile with that.

"Okay, then…" Barret seemed to believe him. He slowly took out the Materia, then held it out to Cloud. "Here. Had a lot of pressure holdin' that thing."

"Thanks. Leave the rest to me."

He took the Materia. It didn't burn his skin. It was just a light ball of swirling black mass. He stared at it for a while.

"I just want to say something."

You still have a choice, Cloud, please.

The voice begs softly. It's moist, like it's been soaked in rain. Cloud shakes his head.

"No, but I just have something to say."

Not to me.

"Not to you, but I can't speak and you're the only one who can listen."

The voice falls silent. Cloud blinks a few times. He hopes that somehow, they would all understand… Even if he can never get the words to come out.

"Everyone, thanks for everything. And I'm sorry." It is a small word, sorry, but it still cuts him into pieces. He repeats it again and again. He is sorry. He is sorrier still, that it is the only thing he can say and that he can't even speak it out loud.

"Especially you, Tifa. I'm really sorry." Cloud closes his eyes. Then he remembers that it is in his head and he is allowed to cry here. It is cold, so cold.

"There. That's all."

And the unspoken words stay in the air for a little while longer, then dissipates and drips away. His tear catches them and pulls them down, breaks the words. Letters fall apart and die by his feet in a silent puddle. Soon there is nothing but emptiness.

He hadn't been pursuing Sephiroth. He had been summoned by Sephiroth. All the anger and hatred he had made it impossible for him to ever forget Sephiroth. That was what he had given Cloud.

Cloud's fingers tightened around the Materia.

Sephiroth? Sephiroth? I'm here. And I brought you the Black Materia. Show yourself to me. Where are you? Sephiroth…

This was what he was supposed to do. This was his purpose. There was no use fighting against it now. Except one thing…

"Sephiroth is going to be here now." Cloud told Barret, and everyone else standing behind him. They seemed to be too startled to say anything to that, and Cloud made the most of that pause.

"Take Tifa, she's… " He finally remembered where she'd gone to. He'd knocked her out, though he couldn't really remember why. Maybe because he didn't want to say goodbye. " … in the cave we passed earlier. Take her and get on the Highwind."

"You mean go to Shinra? You're kidding." Barret's mouth dropped open.

"I'm not kidding." Cloud's voice was still so calm. He looked into his friends' eyes. "I mean, get away from here. As quickly as possible, and as far as possible."

"What? What are you going to do?" Yuffie sounded frightened. "Come with us, Cloud… you're scaring me."

"I can't." Cloud shook his head, and he felt his mind blurring again. The moment of clarity was slipping away. He struggled to stay a little bit longer, just a little bit… He had to say goodbye. Because, somehow, Cloud knew that this time it would end. This time…

"Go. Please."

This time his mind would lose its footing, slip, and it would never come back again. He just had to say goodbye. And that was exactly what he did.

"Goodbye."

He had a notion that he might have said something more after that, but he couldn't be sure. Then his mind started to break, like something had been beating inside his heart this whole time and now the shell was cracking… It probably already had too many hairline cracks that once it started, it wouldn't stop. Until his entire mind was in pieces.

He heard the first crack.