Chapter 8 - Reunited Grief

Cordelia moved forwards, Ricken at her side. The thought of returning to Plegia was like a constant looming shadow above her, filling her with dread, but she tried to silence that, banish it from her brain. There were dark shadows hiding under her eyes, betraying her lack of sleep. Though she didn't regard her companion with hate or anger now, her conscience guilty over his near-death, she did not speak to him either, no words coming to her throat. Instead, she simply moved silently, her body trembling, her mind lost in past memories and sorrows. Her hands were red, red from the strain of holding her lance, red from the strain of gripping onto her weapon - the only thing giving her comfort. As she forced herself to keep following the road, through the changing temperatures, she sighed. Though there was a fierce, fierce part of her heart that longed for combat, that longed to be able to finally fight against the Plegians, and take revenge, she was scared. She looked at Ricken. Her anger, and her inability to restrain herself had nearly caused his death. It had caused the death of two people, and nearly a third. A tear trickled slowly down her cheek. Maybe Ricken was right. She wasn't trustworthy. She was a fool. Shaking her head, she tried to put such thoughts out of her mind. It would do her no good to mope. No good at all.

"Where do you think the Shepherds will be, Cordelia? We've been gone for a long time now. Maybe even a month." She shook her head.
"I don't know." Her voice was quiet, but she managed a small smile. "But we're going to have to find them." Ricken nodded at her, and she couldn't help but admire his determination. To her, the quest of finding the Shepherds seemed almost insurmountable. The desert was an endless expanse, one where she was truly lost.
"They'll be heading south, won't they? To take the fight to Gangrel." There was a brief pause. "Do you think they would've won the war already?"
"I doubt it." She swallowed. "I doubt it." Though she wanted this war to be over so desperately - she wanted Plegia and Gangrel to have been defeated so badly - she couldn't hold the optimism needed to believe that the Shepherds would have won so quickly.
"Do you think we will win the war?" She nodded.
"Robin's a good tactician. Chrom's a good leader. The Shepherds are good fighters. We have to win." Ricken gave her a smile, and she chuckled inside at how cheery he seemed to be. She guessed it to be a facade but she was glad for it, as she felt some of her anger at herself slowly erode away. Though she still hated what she had done, and hated herself for it, it wasn't quite as bad as before. "We're going to win."

The desert of Plegia was a large place, and it had been a few days of wandering in a vague direction, of not knowing where she was going, before Cordelia was just about ready to give up. Her feet were bruised, and her muscles felt like they could take no more. She just wanted to rest, but there was something inside her that kept her going. An almost burning desire to reach the Shepherds, and reach Robin. She was worried, that if she didn't get there fast enough something bad would happen. Was this just because of past events? She sighed, keeping her head down, protected somewhat from the sun's angry rays. The glare of the harsh light was threatening to force her to collapse, but she managed to persevere through it, her eyes squinting slightly, constantly adjusting as she moved. There were no roads beneath her feet, instead being just the rough texture of the sand constantly causing pain to her red, raw skin. The heat made her want to take her boots off, but she knew that doing so would just put her extremities at even more risk - it was far better for her if she could keep them covered. Walking forwards, she had to be careful of the shifting sands. It was difficult terrain to move through, and this didn't help her mood, or her sense of anxiety, instead making her start to worry that she wasn't going to find the Shepherds at all. Trying to shrug this off, she kept going forwards, her direction lost to her.

Walking through what she guessed to be the Border Sands, Cordelia kept a look out for any signs of the Shepherds. She wasn't expecting to find them this close to where the camp had been last time, instead being mostly alert for anything that they might have left behind. She was keeping an eye out for likely signs - scraps of cloth from destroyed tents, books, potions, any other equipment that might have been used. However, despite her rigorous searching, she couldn't really find much. There was no indicators as to where she should be headed, and she hated the sensation of being lost. What if she was headed the completely wrong way? She sighed, taking a deep breath to try and calm her mind so that she could think clearly. In Regna Ferox, she didn't really know where she was going, but she managed to find where she needed to be anyway. It was all about trusting her instincts. The Shepherds would likely be going south, as Ricken had said. All she had to do was keep going that way. Eventually she would find them. Though they may have made large progress to begin with, she doubted that they could have continued that through Gangrel's heavy resistance. She would catch up soon.

"Ricken. Look over there. On the horizon." Cordelia pointed to a small set of outlines far away, only barely visible due to the sunlight. "Is it me or do they look like tents?" They had been walking for some time now, and they were tired, once again in danger of running out of supplies. They had managed to stock up multiple times in Regna Ferox, but in the barren lands of Plegia, they had found nothing that could help them. It had been a hard journey, but this discovery managed to fill them both with a slight hint of joy.
"Do you think it's them?" He spoke in a hushed but excited whisper, as if he believed that speaking louder would scare the Shepherds away.
"We should go and investigate, certainly." She smiled, and he nodded, following her, both of them moving with a renewed vigour now that there was a faint glimmer of hope. As they moved with speed towards the vague shapes which gradually became more and more discernible, it was clear to them that what they were going towards was some sort of camp. It seemed almost impossible to them for this not to be the Shepherds. It had been a long period of separation for them, but now they would finally meet up again.
"Hey, Robin! Look at that!" The tactician turned, smiling at Lissa's excitement. "It's them. They're back, safe and sound. Gods, it's been like a month or so."
"Good. We could use their help. And it's nice to see them alive."
"Oh Naga, I have to go and greet them! Give me a minute!"
"Wait, Lissa-" Robin sighed, as the princess ran off. She was never a big fan of waiting, and she'd been wondering when Cordelia and Ricken would arrive back. Not having the heart to stop her, he let her charge off, redirecting his attention back to his studies. It'd been a hard month for the Shepherds, and after Emmeryn's sacrifice, he'd dedicated himself more than ever to trying to be the best he could. The worry of what Cordelia and Ricken had been doing had been playing on his mind a little, but he pushed aside fears of argument in order to concentrate. More than anything, he had tried to keep composed. He knew that it would do Chrom no good to see him breaking down. He had to remained focused, for the good of the Shepherds' morale, if nothing else. Sighing again, he flipped the book back to the start, trying to make sense of it. Trying to figure out its' answers.

"Lissa!" Ricken smiled at the princess. "You seem happy. Has everything gone well?" With that, her face paled, and his eyes widened. "What happened?"
"I think we should get Cordelia to hear this as well. Before she finds out from anyone else." He nodded, and they moved together, in order to find the pegasus knight. It didn't take them long.
"Ricken? Lissa? You seem anxious."
"Lissa's got bad news. I don't know what it is, but I'm worried." Lissa cleared her throat, finding the words almost impossible to say. Almost gagging on them, she fought with them, until she was finally able to spit them out.
"Emmeryn's dead. She gave her life. We were trying to get out of Plegia, but we didn't want to leave you lost. We're retreating, losing our ground. Chrom wants to march on and attack Gangrel head-on, but the Feroxians have ordered him to wait. We don't know how long we can hold out."
"What do we do now?" Ricken's voice was cracking.
"We're waiting for reinforcements from Regna Ferox. Speaking of, you two should report to Robin. Tell him how your mission went." They nodded, the weight of the knowledge they had suddenly gained crushing them like a stone dropped on their heads. It seemed almost impossible for the exalt to be dead, but there was no reason to doubt the truth of Lissa's words, no reason to doubt the sadness in her raw voice. Given what Lissa had said, neither of them expected the mood to be cheerful. This wasn't the reunion they expected, or the one they wanted, but it was the one they had received. And there wasn't anything they could do about it.

"Cordelia. Ricken. Come in. I trust Lissa has informed you about our situation?" They responded to Robin in the affirmative. "Good. As you can probably guess, we are all under stress right now. So if the Shepherds do not greet you warmly, then I am sorry. But it is not their fault. They just cannot control their emotions." Cordelia wasn't sure whether or not to take that as a personal attack. Deciding it would be best not to raise the issue, she just ignored the comment. "Now. I had sent you on business in Regna Ferox. Do you have a report?" The pegasus knight looked at Ricken, who motioned for her to speak.
"We found two threats that we managed to deal with. One village was being attacked by bandits, so we worked together with someone known as 'the Secret Seller' to save the villagers. She's offered assistance, but I'm not sure how reliable she will be. We then found another settlement, this one being troubled by the risen dead." She stopped, hearing her voice start to crack, and collected herself. "We couldn't-I couldn't save all the villagers. Some of them were slain, but in the end the village was saved. I don't know where these undead came from. There were no hints around the battle scene."
"We've fought against these dead ourselves. They seem to come from another world. Their presence in Regna Ferox is disturbing to say the least. Your report is appreciated, as is the work you do. You've earned yourself a break, though I'm not sure how much conversation you will receive from the other Shepherds. Cordelia, and Ricken, you are both dismissed." He gave them a smile, as they turned to leave his tent. Once they were gone, he treated himself to a sigh. How many more problems were going to pile up? What else was coming?

The first thing Cordelia did upon being dismissed was go to find Sumia, partly because she wanted to see how her pegasus was and partly because she wanted to confide in her friend. Recent events were haunting her, and she felt like she couldn't talk about them to Ricken, for fear of scaring him. It didn't take her long to find her fellow pegasus knight, who was at the stables, an unexpected smile on her face.
"Cordelia! I heard you were back. I was going to find you myself, but I wasn't sure if you needed rest, and I didn't want to disturb you if you did."
"Sumia." She returned the smile. "It's good to see you. I heard about what happened. How's Chrom?"
"He's really badly shaken. I've been trying to cheer him up, but I don't know how. I guess the stress of being the new leader of Ylisse isn't helping."
"Is he getting a formal coronation?"
"After this war, I think. When he chooses someone to wed. I just wonder who he'll choose." Cordelia coughed slightly, covering it as best she could. Was Sumia really so oblivious? She was in love with Chrom - could she not see that he reciprocated his affections? Unlike other people who were in love with him. She tried to clear her head of those thoughts. They would just make her close off to Sumia, which was something she couldn't afford to do.
"I wonder too. But I just hope that whoever he chooses can support him. How are you coping?"
"I'm-I'm fine, really. Just I wish Emmeryn didn't have to sacrifice herself. I just wished that we could get through this without any more casualties." There was a tear in her eye which she wiped away.
"That's war. A bloody, violent hell. All we can do is try to survive, and try to help those around us survive."
"Cordelia?" Sumia spoke in a concerned tone. "Did something happen in Regna Ferox?"
"I failed again. There were villagers, and I couldn't save them all. So many died. And I left Ricken as well. I could have been responsible for his death as well." She took a deep breath, shaking her head. "Why do I keep failing?"
"It's not your fault-"
"It is. It's all my fault." She sighed. "I have to get stronger. I need to stop failing. I have to get stronger."
"Cordelia-" She shook her head.
"Don't try to persuade me otherwise. I'm useless. I'm crap. I have to get better. This is war, Sumia. This is hell, and I'm sick of it. The only way I can survive through it, help my friends and fellow Ylisseans through it is by becoming stronger. Which one's my pegasus?" Sumia realised there was no point in arguing.
"I'll get him for you."

Cordelia smiled at her pegasus who regarded her with familiarity, allowing her to stroke his head. She gave him his finger to lick, and laughed at how the sensation tickled her. She remembered doing this when she was still a young trainee. That was so long ago now. Before all of this war nonsense happened. Again, the pegasus nuzzled at her hand, and she ran her fingers along its' forehead affectionately. There was no other sounds disturbing the two - Sumia had gone off, recognising that Cordelia would need alone time, and as such she did not have the company of any other humans. Not that she minded. This allowed her to clear her head, and she felt calmer now, than she had been before. It hadn't changed her opinion of herself, but there was less anger in her heart - some still remained, lurking beneath the surface, but much of it had been changed into a determination. She looked around her pegasus' room in the stable. Part of her wanted to go into the air, to start flying again. She hadn't done that since the small scouting mission she had after Breakneck Pass. The thought of whizzing around in the air filled her with a mixture of emotions. Though she was looking forwards to it, there was a churning in her stomach - a churning caused by fear, fear of the sky, of what might be coming. She shook her head. That wouldn't do. She couldn't be a pegasus knight afraid of the air. That was ridiculous.

"Listen, I'm just going to go ask Robin, and if he says yes, we can go flying again. You've had the rest you earned, but I'm going to need you soon. The Plegians are still out there, and they're more of a threat than ever. But you and me are going to stop them." The pegasus whinnied, as if in agreement, and she smiled, stroking its' head one last time.
"So how are you?" Lissa smiled at Ricken, trying to reassure the young mage. "How was the journey into Regna Ferox?"
"It was... We managed to save some people." He spoke in a tone that gave away what he really felt.
"Did something happen there?"
"Me and Cordelia. We got into arguments. We fought all the time. Well, until she thought I nearly died." He chuckled grimly. "But she's really volatile."
"Aw, everyone is!"
"Lissa, do you even know what that means?"
"Yeah! Everyone has things that set them off. Especially now." She stopped for a minute. "The important thing is to not purposefully irritate others. That's just mean."
"Why am I getting the moral lecture?" She pouted at him slightly. "Well, how have you been? It must be hard for you, with recent events."
"I just can't really believe she's dead. It's like a massive wake-up slap. I knew people died in war, I knew some of the people who died in war, but I always thought my family would make it through." A tear rolled down her cheek. "I never thought that we were in danger. I'd never even thought of the possibility of Sis dying. I guess that's just war though." She coughed. "All I can do is try and protect my friends. But I can't fight."
"Healing's an important skill."
"Yeah, when someone's hurt on the battlefield. But I can't usually get to them." Ricken shook his head.
"You heal in other ways. You always try to stay upbeat, for us. You heal the Shepherds by being you, Lissa. Maribelle told me stories of when she was down, you were there for her." She smiled at him a little.
"I guess." She paused. "Ooh! Speaking of Maribelle, she's alive and well. I think she might have been missing you a little."
"Well, I guess I should go and speak to her then."
"Yeah, probably not a good idea to keep her waiting."
"I guess I'll see you later. Thanks, Lissa."
"No. Thank you, Ricken."

Cordelia swallowed a little bit of residual fear. She wasn't quite sure why she was so nervous about asking Robin if she could go on a short flight, but for some reason, she felt apprehension at the idea, and she didn't quite believe it was because she thought Robin would say 'no'. She hoped that it wasn't a fear of flying gradually building up in her. Determined not to fall prey to that, she cleared her throat loudly, attracting the tactician's attention.
"Cordelia? Come in." He turned to face her. "What can I do for you?"
"Um... I was wondering if I could be given leave. To go flying. Not anything major. Just because I haven't been in the air for a while." Robin thought for a moment.
"You've proven yourself in your ventures into Regna Ferox. However, I do not want any of the Shepherds alone in enemy territory. It would be far too easy for the Plegians to pick us off. So, if you can convince somebody else to accompany you, then you may proceed in this venture. But be safe, and if you see hostile movement, I want you to immediately evacuate. We will not lose another member of the Shepherds." Cordelia nodded.
"Thank you." He smiled.
"You did well in Regna Ferox. You saved people. Don't forget that. Every life you save is precious. Every life."
"Yes, Robin." She nodded again, leaving the tent.

"So you want me to come on a flight with you?"
"If you wouldn't mind. Robin's said I can't go alone - it's too dangerous."
"Where are we going?"
"Just flying around, I suppose. I just want to experience being in the air once more. I've been grounded for what seems like a really long time now."
"Alright. But I don't want to be gone too long." Cordelia nodded. She understood what Sumia meant, and could see why she wanted that.
"It won't be for very long." She gave a smile. "Thank you."
"No problem. You've done lots for me in the past, and I'm glad I can help you." Cordelia smiled again, and went with Sumia to ready the pegasi for flight. "I want to try to help you overcome your anger."
"Thank you. I don't deserve a friend like you."
"Cordelia..." The red-haired pegasus knight just shook her head.
"Don't try to make me feel better about myself. Please. It's a waste." Sumia didn't reply to that, and the two pegasus knights prepared themselves to take to the air.