Chapter 7
Alison stood, afraid to move. Everything about tonight was perfect. Even in the face of Donnie's rare bout of rage, Alison couldn't focus on the person in front of her. The pond, Beth's smile, their fingers interlocked. Alison fought the smile from her face, fought the happiness.
"Where have you been?" Donnie asked.
Alison played with the buckle of her belt. She couldn't focus, couldn't think of an excuse, a valid answer.
"Alison, it's four in the morning," Donnie said, checking the clock over his shoulder, "no, sorry, four-thirty!"
"Donnie," Alison said, "I was at Felix's, just like la-"
"I've already checked there," Donnie cut her off, "stop lying to me Alison."
"Things have been crazy, Donnie. I'm sorry, I just-"
"You've been completely absent," Donnie said, "You have been missing your friend's events, and you've completely forgotten that this was supposed to be a bonding weekend for us."
"What do you want me to say, Donnie?"
"I want to know where you've been. You've been acting weird since we got here." Donnie insisted.
Alison scratched to top of her head, avoiding eye contact.
Donnie slipped in, grabbing Alison's hand. "Alison, I'm here for you," he said, "you can tell me what's going on." Alison yanked her hand away.
"I don't know, Donnie," she said. Alison walked away from him facing the wall, trying desperately to find an excuse to get him off of her case. There was no explanation, she hadn't been careful enough. What was she supposed to tell him, that her girlfriend suddenly rose from the dead and she's been a little preoccupied? Her heart pressed against her ribs, looking to escape.
"You've been drinking." Donnie accused.
"Drinking?"-Alison spun around-"What kind of accusation is that?"
The heat flushed into Alison's cheeks. "You want to talk to me about my issues, Donnie?" Alison continued, "You want to throw something like that at me? You saw how hard I fought to break that, how hard I fought for our family. Do I smell like alcohol to you? No. But you wouldn't care to try that would you?"
Donnie backed away, "Hey, you're the one com-"
"I'm the one who does everything," Alison said, "I wash the clothes, I cook the meals. You have done better the last few years, you have tried, but you have hardly pitched in. I gave you slack, Donnie, I told myself you trying was enough."
"Ali-"
"I'm not done, Donnie." Alison cut him off, "I have never once asked this to be an egalitarian marriage. I have played the suburban housewife. I have publicly laughed at your terrible jokes, I have let myself be guided around on your arm, I have let you show me off. You may think this weekend was all about you getting a little hoo-hoo, and that doesn't surprise me, because that's all you think about. This weekend is about a vacation, and as much as you think a vacation from the house and the kids is what I was looking for, I was looking for a vacation from you."
The words bit harder than Alison intended. Donnie slid back into his chair. Alison wasn't sure where this confidence was coming from. The heat began to recede from her face and chest. It was replaced with an exhaustion and weakness in her legs.
"Go." Donnie said.
"What?"
"You want a vacation from me?" Donnie said, "Go."
He had a mixed look of hurt, defeat and anger. Alison lost her nerve. She took it too far, she slammed into him too hard. She crossed a line, but she couldn't go back, she couldn't take back the words she spit like fire, and she wasn't sure she wanted to. Alison backed away and turned around. As she opened the door she looked over her shoulder to see Donnie in the same place, eyes fixated on nothing, lost in thought.
Alison regretted what she said, even though she knew the words were truth.
Bam. Bam. Bam.
Felix rolled over in bed. He pulled the blanket over his head, hiding from the world.
Bam. Bam. Bam.
He slid the blanket down, squinting his eyes. A very soft blue hue cascaded through the window. Felix couldn't tell if it was still the middle of the night, or the sun was just peaking in. He didn't care; both meant he still had hours to sleep.
Bam. Bam. Bam.
"Oi, who the hell you think you are?" Felix fell out of bed. Half of the bed sheets fell with him. He pushed himself up on his knees before wobbling to a stand.
Bam. Bam. Bam.
Felix stumbled through the room. The corner of the wall greeted his shoulder.
"Shi-" Felix cursed.
"Felix?" Alison whined through the door.
"Hold on," Felix said, delirious. He unlocked the door and swung it open.
"Felix, I-" Alison said. She cut off as she looked down. Felix raised an eyebrow.
"Felix!" Alison said in a hushed yell, "You're naked!" She averted her eyes, trying to block the view with her hands.
"Come in," Felix motioned her in, "you wake me up at sleepsies time, you get the full Fee." Felix walked back through the room before grabbing a shirt and tying it around his waist, covering his front.
"Felix," Alison said through a shaky voice.
For the first time, Felix noticed Alison had been crying. Her bottom lip was jutted out, her shoulders hunched forward. Her bangs were unkempt, revealing the healing bruise on her forehead in all its glory.
"Hey, hey, Streisand," Felix said, finally alert, "what's wrong?"
"I screwed it all up." Alison pouted.
"Oh, Alison," Felix assured, "I'm sure you didn't screw anything up."
"Donnie kicked me out."
"Ok," Felix said, "maybe you screwed it up a teensy bit." He patted to the left of him on the bed. Alison cautiously walked over and sat on the corner of the bed.
"What happened?" Felix asked.
Alison paused. Felix inspected the argument she was fighting in her own head. He could tell something was bothering her. He could tell all day.
"It's Beth." Felix assumed.
"Yes!"-she threw her hands in the air-"It's Beth. It's me. It's Beth and me."
Alison stood up, pacing. "I was happy, but I messed it all up, and I can't even keep it. I can't keep any darn part of it. No, no, no, not me, never me."
Felix yawned, confused. Alison continued to ramble. "I give all of myself to other people, I give and I give and I give,"-she turned to Felix-"I give!"
"Alison, you're giving me crows-feet." Felix said.
She sat back down on the corner of his bed and looked off into the darkness. Felix waited quietly for her to form her thoughts.
Alison turned to face Felix. "Have you ever loved someone so much you felt like a different person when you're with them? Where you felt like the person you hoped you could be?"
"I don't buy into love," Felix said.
"Bullhonky," Alison said, "Fee, look at me."-she grabbed his chin and forced him to stare in her eyes-"Have you ever felt like all of your flaws disappeared around one person? Have you ever felt like, the things you hate most about yourself only disappeared in their presence?"
"Alison, what's going on?"
Alison looked in his eyes, not breaking contact, jaw set. They sat in silence, Felix refusing to look away in fear of being slapped.
"I love Beth."
"We had this conversation, Alison, I know you loved Beth." Felix said.
"No," Alison said, "I didn't say loved, I said love."
Felix furrowed his brow, cocking an inquisitive look at Alison.
"Alison, sweetie, it's late," Felix complained, "I need you to speak clearer."
Alison sighed, annoyed. Felix was beginning to understand her annoyance.
"Beth is alive, Felix"
Felix removed Alison's hand from his chin. He looked at her; trying to figure out what hidden meaning she might be trying to say. Was it a metaphor? Was she saying Beth was alive within her? Beth's memory would never die?
"How is-"
"I don't know, Felix," Alison cut him off, "But she's alive, and she's just as perfect as I remember her. Oh, Felix, she took me on a date tonight. We sat under the moonlight by the pond and she held my hand. Felix she kissed me, and not just romantically, she kissed me like she wanted me. You know Fee, like…"-Alison lowered her voice to a hushed whisper-"…like sexually"
"Ew!" Felix said with a scrunched face.
"I don't care, Felix." Alison said, "It was, it was just as I remembered, just as I, fantasized..."
"Alison," Felix cut in, "as much as I'd love to hear 'Suburban Police Sexcapades 2: Double the Lesbian' I would much rather you kept this PG-13."
Alison fell back on the bed, looking up at the ceiling. "I love her, Felix." Alison said.
"What about big ol' Donnie? You know, wedding-ring Donnie."
"I don't know, Felix," Alison said, "but I was scared to come out about my feelings last time and I lost Beth. I won't make that mistake. She said her work will make it hard, but I don't know. If she'll have me, I'd do anything she asked. Felix, I have a chance"-she sat back up-"I have a chance for this to work."
Felix looked at her. The smile on her face lifted her cheeks higher than he'd ever seen them. Her eyes needed to be consciously forced open. She glowed. She glowed in a way that the room seemed to illuminate from her mood. Felix couldn't understand the look on her face, couldn't understand this foreign emotion she exuded. He knew he didn't have to. The fact that he had never seen this look, this emotion was enough.
"Go for it." Felix said.
"What?" Alison asked, "Aren't you going to tell me I'm throwing everything away? Aren't you going to tell me I'm being dramatic and selfish? Aren't you going to tell me that I'm being silly?"
"No," Felix said, "you are happier in this moment than any moment in the last five years. Alison, you are one of the most giving people I've ever met. You've cleaned, you've cooked, you've loved and you've never asked for anything in return. You build others up and let them continue to call you dramatic and self-centered, all because you don't expect anything from anyone. It's time you were a risky-missy and went out and grabbed what you wanted."
Alison's eyes filled with tears but her smile never wavered. "You think of me that way?" she asked.
"Yes," Felix said, "and that thing you said about our flaws disappearing around one person and something, something, ramble, ramble?"
Alison nodded.
"You're that for me."
Alison let a tear drop from her eye and grabbed Felix pulling him into a tight embrace. "Oh, Felix, that's the sweetest thing I've ever heard. I don't know what to-"
"Alison," Felix cut in, "I hate to ruin our moment, but I'm not the most clothed right now."
"Oh! Ew!" Alison let him go and wiped her hands on his bed sheets with an apologetic smile.
Felix shot her a look of mock-judgment before cocking one of his trademark loveable smiles.
"I want you to meet her," Alison said, "I don't care what she said, I don't care about keeping it a secret. You're my best friend, Felix, I want you to meet my girlfriend."
Felix lifted an eyebrow at the title, but said nothing. "I would be honored," he said, "if anything, just so I can figure out whose body I identified at the morgue."
Alison laughed, "You most likely won't get an answer," she said, "she's a…"-Alison dropped to a whisper-"…top-secret detective or something."
"Ah, good," Felix said, "because I have a history getting along smashing with plain-jane cops, let alone super-secret, special cops."
Alison squealed, "Oh, Felix, she's going to love you!"