Chapter 8

The sun sat low in the sky, marking early morning. The entire resort was in a bustle preparing for Cosima and Delphine's wedding. People walked through the lobby holding flowers; a frazzled wedding planner sat in the middle of it all, looking lost. Alison held Felix's hand as she bolted through the lobby. Neither of them went back to sleep after their talk. It ended with the sun already rising so they each took turns showering instead of sleeping.

Alison had slipped into her room while Donnie slept and took her dress and supplies. Felix helped her get ready, dressing for the wedding early to look her best for her meeting with Beth. She had a salmon dress with a square neckline, the white belt from the night before accenting the waist. Her hair was up in an almost hair-bow type bun. She wore two-inch white heels to match her belt. Nervousness crept into her chest and she dragged Felix behind her. Why was she pulling him when he wasn't the one wearing heels?

Beth had told her last night where she'd be this morning for a rendezvous. Alison hoped she would be forgiven for breaking the secret. Beth was important to her, but so was Felix and Alison couldn't imagine the two of them never talking. She wasn't sure that her ambitions for their relationship would pan out, and if this was the last time she was able to see Beth, she wanted to make sure she got to introduce her to Felix.

The duo slipped down a side hallway to the spa area of the resort. Alison knew that any massage sessions wouldn't be starting until at least ten, and Beth had suggested they meet in their old room to have some much-needed privacy. Alison counted the room numbers, 101, 102, 103. There, Room 104. Alison looked around before checking the doorknob. Unlocked. She let out a sigh of relief.

"Let me go in first," Alison whispered to Felix, "I don't want to completely spring this on her."

Felix nodded.

Alison slowly opened the door and slipped in, closing it behind her.

Beth sat on the massage table. She wore a grey sweater-dress that ended right above her knees, and black heels. Alison was taken aback by how beautiful she was. The entire weekend she had worn more utilitarian outfits; to see her in a dress and heels was a shock. Alison was also surprised by how much it made her desire Beth. She smiled.

"Hey you," Beth said before slipping off the table and walking over.

Alison placed a hand on Beth's waist and gave her a small kiss, preserving her lipstick.

"You are gorgeous," Beth said, "I forgot how nicely you clean up."

Alison blushed. "I was just about to tell you the same thing."

"So," Beth said stepping closer, "what would you like to do,"-Beth ran her hand down Alison's side-"while we have this time together?"

Alison blushed. "Well," she said, "I kind of have a surprise."

Beth grinned. "Oh, I like surprises."

"Good," Alison said, backing up, "because I know you said that you wanted to keep this all a secret but, I couldn't help myself. He's very important to me."

Beth's smile dropped, she cocked her head, "He?" she asked.

Alison cracked the door open behind her.

Felix stood nervously waiting. He could hear Alison talking behind the door. He couldn't make out their conversation, nor who was saying what. He hated how they all sounded so much alike, it made eavesdropping very hard. Felix looked around the hallway. No one was coming.

The door cracked open.

He could see Alison through the crack; she waved him in.

"…he's my best friend and I just needed to share this with one person." Alison was saying as Felix slipped in the door.

He smiled at Alison who was proudly presenting him. He turned to where she was looking.

"Felix, this is Beth." Alison said motioning.

Felix stood quietly.

Alison looked at him confused. "Felix?"

Felix looked around the room. "Where is she?" he asked.

Alison turned to an empty space, "Don't mind him," she said. "He's always the jokester."

A realization hit Felix. They were the only two people in the room, and Alison didn't realize it.

"Alison," Beth said, "I told you no one can know. Shit, Alison." Beth ran her fingers through her hair, obviously stressed.

"I'm sorry, Beth," Alison said, "I know I made a promise, but he can keep a secret I swear."

Beth looked down at the ground, defeated. "It's not that Alison." Alison could see she was getting emotional.

"Oh, sweetie," Felix said looking at Alison. He walked over and held her. Alison didn't know why he suddenly hugged her, or why he seemed so sympathetic. Did he not believe her until now?

"Felix," Alison said, "don't be rude, say hi."

Felix pulled back, tears in his eyes. "Alison, have you been having any blurred vision?" he asked, "How bad are the headaches?"

"What are you talking about?" Alison asked.

"Your head," Felix continued, "how hard did you hit it? Shit, I knew we needed to get you to a doctor."

Alison pushed Felix away. "Felix, what the heck are you going on about?"

"He can't see me." Beth said quietly.

Alison looked at Beth, "What do you mean 'he can't see you?' "

"Alison," Felix said, "there's no one there, the room is empty, it's just the two of us."

Alison looked back and forth between them. "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Beth looked up, tears in her eyes. "No." Beth said. "It's no joke, Alison…"

Felix talked over her as if she wasn't speaking, "Alison, I think you hit your head harder than we thought when you fainted…"

"…I'm dead." Beth said

"…you're hallucinating." Felix spoke simultaneously.

Alison looked between them, tears filling her eyes. She refused to believe any of it. It was a cruel joke, a joke that they planned together. Alison hated them for the ruse. She would never forgive them for this.

She fell against the back wall and let herself slide down.

Felix came over and kneeled beside her. "Sweetie," Felix said, "let's get you to a doctor."

He tried to lift Alison but she refused. She quietly whispered, "No."

"Alison," Felix said, "I don't think we can wa-"

Alison looked up into his eyes, a mix of despair and anger on her face, "Leave." She said, "Leave me to be insane."

"Alis-"

"Go, or wait outside," Alison cut in, "I don't care, just leave me alone with my hallucination so I can yell at her like a crazy person."

Felix looked to the emptiness, and for a second Alison thought he might have seen her, but he turned back and walked out the door closing it behind him.

Felix heard the door close.

He didn't know what to do. Alison was in there now, arguing with herself. He pressed his back against the wall and slid down. He ran his fingers through his immaculate hair.

Felix began to sob.

"He's wrong." Beth said.

Alison was silent.

"I promise you aren't hallucinating, Alison." Beth said, as if it made a difference.

"So, what?" Alison demanded, "You're a ghost? You're some zombie thing? What Beth, what crazy lie do you want me to believe?"

Beth's lip trembled. "I never wanted to hurt you, I just wanted to see you."

"How, Beth," Alison said, "how could you do this to me? How could you lie?"

"I didn't." Beth said, "you assumed Alison, you assumed everything and you believed it because it was easy and it made sense."

"Do not try and have me absolve your lie, Beth," Alison bit back, "do not place the blame on me."

"You're right," Beth said, "I'm sorry. I...I was selfish. I wanted to spend time with you. I wanted to not think about the reality. I thought we could have some of it back, some of us back, Alison."

"So it's true?" Alison asked, "You killed yourself that day?"

Beth choked on her tears; she couldn't speak. Alison despised her hesitation. Beth nodded.

Alison clinched her hands into fists, and looked up, away from Beth. Tears filled her eyes and sent the lights into blinding flares in her vision. She pressed her lids together tightly but opened them to the same tear-filled fog. She couldn't feel anything but the weight upon her chest. A horrible tingle rose in her back, and she felt cold. Alison felt so very, achingly cold. "You left me," Alison said, "you chose to end us."

Beth stepped forward and went to reach for Alison. Alison pulled away, keeping a large gap between them. She stood from the ground and backed away from Beth. Beth let her hand fall in defeat. "I never left you, Alison," Beth said, "I didn't do it to leave you, Alison. I did it for you."

"You did it for me? That is a rotted cabbage patch, Beth." Alison shot, "This isn't some teen love song. You can't pretend that your inability to handle your emotions was romantic, Beth." Alison aimed to wound, and hit her mark. Beth didn't respond for a long time.

"The depression was real, Alison." Beth said through a wavering voice, "Hold my decisions against me, hold the words and promises I said against me, but don't you dare hold my depression against me. I did a lot wrong to you, Alison, but that one is mine. You carried me back from the edge time and time again, but I tried to control too much, I tried to hold too much and I failed, Alison. I failed." Beth no longer held composure. The tears streamed down her face. She wasn't a pretty crier. She broke down into a mess of tears and sorrow.

Beth continued, "I turned to substance. I tried everything I could to feel anything but pain. In the last year of my life I only felt truly happy once: here. This place, this weekend, this was the only time I felt something, anything. I think it's why I find myself tied here. I was co-dependent and I relied on you to be my happiness, to be everything I couldn't be for myself. You shouldn't have had that burden, Alison and for that I'm terribly and horribly sorry."

"It doesn't matter," Alison bit back, "I wasn't enough to keep you around."

Beth stepped forward, not letting Alison step away this time. She grabbed her hand and kept her close. Alison didn't look at her, she couldn't.

"You were more than enough," Beth said softly, "you were everything I ever needed. I was scared, Alison. I was scared of my feelings; I was scared for your safety, for Cosima's safety. I tried to do it all alone, I tried to hold all of the stress and pain inside. In the end it was too much for me. It wasn't that you weren't enough to keep me around. It was that I didn't give enough, I didn't let you in when I desperately needed you."

"I would have been there," Alison pleaded, "why couldn't you trust me to be there for you?"

Beth looked down at Alison's hands in hers. "I wanted to protect you from it all."

"You can't save everyone, Beth!" Alison said.

"I tried. I thought I could save you."

"You couldn't save yourself, Beth," Alison said.

Beth was silent. Alison felt maybe she took things too far. She really didn't like lashing out at Beth. Alison could tell Beth was hurting.

"You could have saved me better if you simply stayed." Alison whispered to break the silence.

Beth took a breath, "I was in too deep."

"What do you mean?" Alison asked.

"Maggie Chen," Beth said, "she was there, and she said she worked with a religious group, and that we were abominations. She said we didn't deserve to live. That they would hunt us down. I held her in my sights but I kept my composure and..." Beth trailed off.

Alison stepped closer, looking in her eyes, "And?"

"And when Maggie Chen said your name," Beth said, "I fired... I didn't intend to, but I couldn't let her live knowing you were in danger. I couldn't let her live knowing someone was out there hunting you. She didn't even say a threat, she just said your name, she said she knew who you were and I lost it. It was a police-trained kill-shot."

Alison took Beth into her arms and held her. "Thank you, Beth."

"Maggie Chen wasn't the problem." Beth continued pulling back from the embrace, "I had let a more evil serpent in. Paul was working for a group called Dyad. He was a spy sent to find out about us. I didn't know what he knew, what he had told them. I couldn't let Paul get to you guys through me. I couldn't let him hurt you."

"Beth," Alison said, "we were all monitored."

"What?"

"Paul was a silent monitor," Alison said, "Paul was an observer. He may very well have been a spy, but so was Donnie, so was Delphine. Beth, Paul may have been working for Dyad, but he wasn't some secret operative."

"Donnie?" Beth questioned, "Delphine?"

"Yes," Alison said, "They were monitors. Dyad hired them to observe us and send information back, for science or something. Donnie was too dumb to know what he was doing and Delphine, well Cosima turned Delphine against Dyad. Either way, they weren't trying to hurt us, they were just invading our privacy and testing us."

Beth turned away, tears filling her eyes. "So it was all for nothing." She said, "I ended my life to cut the tie, so Paul could never find you. It was all in vain, it gave you no more freedom than you had before."

Alison saw the understanding in Beth's eyes. Alison understood everything. Beth assumed Paul was after all of the clones. She had no idea how benign he was. Beth was depressed, but in the end, Beth Childs gave her life as a sacrifice. The pain of the realization ripped into Alison's chest. She was proud, and yet, she wasn't sure she'd ever be able to forgive Beth. The duality of emotions was unbearable.

They sat in silence.

Alison composed herself and wiped the mascara from under her eyes, pulling out her compact and cleaning up her face.

"I have a wedding to attend," was all she said before turning around and walking out the door, leaving Beth alone.

The door opened and Felix shot to his feet.

"Alison, I-"

"I don't want to talk about it, Felix." Alison said, "We will go celebrate our friends committing the rest of their lives to one another, and then, you will take me to see a neurologist."

Felix couldn't find words to say. Alison walked away from room 104, and Felix followed after her.