Chapter 10
The reception dinner was filled with loud music and even louder laughter. The married couple sat alone at a table, flirting endlessly, counting down the minutes until they could be in their room. Alison looked at them with longing, a longing for a possible future she would never have. Alison hadn't seen Beth since the end of the ceremony. She wasn't sure if she'd ever see her again. Somehow, someway they had ended things in a worse way than Beth jumping in front of a train. Somehow no closure had been had, and the wound Alison felt was deeper and more raw. The worst part was Alison's inability to know if Beth was really to blame. Was she a spirit, some manifestation of Beth's soul, tied to the last place she held happiness, only allowed a limited window into Alison's life? Or was Beth simply a figment of Alison's imagination, hallucinated from an unchecked head injury? Alison searched for proof for either side, but came up with nothing. She couldn't trust Beth, and she couldn't trust herself either. She was alone.
Alison handled the stress that ripped away on the back of her mind by burying herself into the event, refusing the give into to hopelessness.
Kira sat next to Alison and the two of them talked about her dress, and how well she did. They discussed the nuances of the wedding and what pieces Kira would use for her own wedding some day.
"I don't think I'll wear red," Kira said.
Alison forced a laugh. "That's fine, I don't think many people outside of Cosima can pull off red on their wedding day."
"Yeah," Kira said, looking towards Cosima, "But she makes it look so pretty."
Alison smiled. She did. She looked absolutely perfect. Cosima seemed to not walk around the room, but glide, like she was on skates on the ice. Alison watched her floating from table to table, laughing and telling stories.
"Am I going to marry a boy or girl?" Kira said suddenly.
Alison allowed herself a genuine smile, "You can marry whom ever you want, Kira."
Kira looked contemplative. "I don't know yet."
"You don't need to know," Alison said, "eventually you'll just find someone who makes you feel special, who makes you feel the way you think you deserve to feel. When that person comes along, you'll give everything you are to them, and they'll do the same for you. Whether that person is a boy, a girl or a monkey doesn't matter."
"A monkey?!" Kira asked.
"Not literally," Alison said, "I just mean, you're our little Monkey, maybe you'll find someone who is another person's little monkey."
"Oh," Kira said thinking to herself, "I didn't think anyone else used that name."
"You never know," Alison said, "maybe you'll marry someone with the nickname monkey and you'll have monkey dates and monkey babies and monkey grandbabies."
"Gross," Kira said, "I think I'll just settle with a boy or girl."
Alison smiled again at Kira's maturity. "You'll never settle sweetie, I won't let you. You'll find the best, or you'll wait until the best comes along."
Alison hugged Kira and held her close. She kissed the top of her head.
The couple cut the cake, and had their first dance. All of the festivities were perfect. Alison yearned to feel their happiness, but loved to see them living in it. As the evening wore on, and the party calmed, Cosima appeared at Alison's table.
"May I have this dance?" Cosima asked.
"Of course!" Alison responded, taking Cosima's hand and raising from her seat.
The two of them took the dance floor. The song that played was slow, but not romantic. As they held one another, sisters, friends, and companions, Alison felt proud. Everything that made Cosima different, and at times the polar-opposite of Alison, united them. It was through Cosima that Alison saw that DNA did not determine identity. It was through Cosima that Alison saw her own self-worth.
"Thank you," Cosima began, "I know you put a lot of this together."
"You're welcome," Alison replied, "though, I was late to everything and not the best friend I could have been."
"You're cool," Cosima said, "you've got a lot on your mind."
Alison raised an eyebrow to Cosima's comment. Cosima spun Alison and pulled her in close. "This has to be hard for you." Cosima said.
"What does?" Alison replied.
"Seeing this, seeing us," Cosima continued, "listen, I try and stay out of people's personal lives, but I knew about Beth, Alison."
Alison stopped dancing.
"I know you loved her," Cosima said, "I could tell you were more than friends. I'm kind of a seasoned lesbian, I think I can see when people have the hot-eyes for one another."
Alison blushed.
"I know seeing us getting married, seeing us happy has to bring up memories." Cosima said, "I'm just glad you're here. I'm sorry for what happened to Beth. I think you guys would have been perfect together."
Alison felt her heart deep within her throat. Why was Cosima bringing all of this up? Why saying this now?
"Thank you." Was all Alison could muster.
"Take care of Delphine," Alison said, "never let her go, never for an instant take your time for granted. Live your love, and savor every moment. Because Cosima, looking back and regretting not loving her enough, is the worst feeling in the world."
"You loved her enough," Cosima said, "and she loved you. I don't believe in spirits and heaven and all of that, but scientifically, there are some studies that hint towards the possibility of an afterlife of some sorts. The studies are mostly disputed and controversial but if there is something, if there is someway, you know Beth is watching out for you. Like, she's gotta be around here and stuff. I don't know, I just know that if I was Beth, I wouldn't let dying hold me back from you."
A tear slipped down Alison's cheek. "Thank you," she said as she leaned in and kissed Cosima's cheek, "I, uh, I have somewhere I need to be."
She broke from Cosima and slipped out the back door. As she stood on the side stairs to the resort and looked out at the setting sun, she saw a silhouette in the gazebo. Alison took a breath, gaining confidence, and walked through the grass in her heels.
Beth sat on a bench, wearing the same sweater-dress as before. She looked sad, and she looked alone. Alison walked up the stairs in silence, looking down at her feet. She forced herself out into the middle of the gazebo and stood in front of Beth, open and vulnerable.
"May I have this dance?" Alison asked, in almost a whisper.
Beth took her hand and Alison pulled her close. The music from the reception was quiet, but loud enough to find the beat. The two of them danced in silence. Songs started and ended, rising and falling, still they danced in silence. Beth was the first to speak.
"I will never be able to say 'I'm sorry' enough."
"No," Alison said, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I planned ahead. You told me from the beginning to calm down and I planned our life together. I set myself up for disappointment."
"I'm glad you planned," Beth said, "I would give anything to share that life with you, Alison."
"Me too," Alison said, "I was about to file for divorce and move to Tahiti with you."
Beth smiled, eyes watering. "Oh no," she said, "my skin burns way too easily for Tahiti."
Alison laughed, "Mine too."
"Maybe Ireland, or Sweden." Beth said.
Alison laughed. "It's colder there than it is here!"
"That just means we'd have to snuggle up to keep warm." Beth said.
Alison rolled her eyes, "You'll do anything to get in my pants."
"Hey," Beth said, "I gotta find someway, after all I'm not a sappy romantic or anything."
"You're plenty romantic for me." Alison said.
Beth smiled and pulled her close, mouths to one another's ears. "I will always be here for you. Just say the words, and I'll hear."
Alison's heart ached, and tears welled in her eyes. "There is no way you can hold up to that, I'll be talking to the air too much and you'll get tired of hearing my voice."
Beth laughed, "I could never get tired of you."
Alison pulled back, staying in the dance, but looking in Beth's face. "I think I'm going to make this an annual thing," she said, "come up here, alone. Walk our garden, sit at our pond, a time to reflect."
"Alison, I can't-" Beth said.
"I know, Beth," Alison said, "I know this is a one-time thing. Even if I never see you again, just coming here and being around this place, the last place you were happy, it's enough. Just getting a little sliver of you will be enough to push me on."
Beth smiled, "I will always be here when you come, and know that though you may not see me, or feel me, I will be sitting along side you at the pond, and every time you whisper 'I love you' I will be yelling it back in response."
"After it happened," Beth continued, "after the train. I awoke at the Pond. I sat up, and I looked across the water. It was still, and I wasn't sure why I was here, but when it came to me, when I grasped the reality of what had happened, I wasn't sad, or scared. Right in front of me was the biggest reminder that I fought for you, till the end. No one can take that from me. I overcame my depression. In the end I gave my life for the one person worth living for. I finally had something to hold on to, and it was that one thing that made me proud to make the sacrifice."
Alison slipped back in close to Beth, continuing their dance in silence. "I'm proud to have loved you, Beth," Alison said, "I'm proud to have had you in my life, to be near you, to share even a moment with you."
Beth wiped a tear from her eye. "We had a love for the ages," Beth said, "It may have been a short flame, but no flame will ever burn as bright as we did. I will never stop loving you, 'burbs, not in life, and not in death."
Alison couldn't see through the tears in her eyes. "I love when you call me that," she admitted, "it's my favorite nickname."
The two of them kissed, and then they were silent. They held one another and danced quietly, never wishing this moment to end.
Felix walked out the door and looked across the lawn. Alison stood dancing alone, arms raised in the air as if a person was there. Felix looked to the ground. He hated that she was going through this. He hated the idea that there may be permanent damage, the hallucinations, the delusions. Felix hurt inside seeing his best friend going through the pain. He would find the best doctor for her. He vowed to find the best and they would get Alison through this.
"Pretty wedding." A voice said behind Felix.
Instinctively, Felix stepped in between the voice and the gazebo, blocking the view. Art stood, beer in hand. He wore a suit that was slightly too small, and too dated for him.
"Oh," Felix said, "yeah, pretty wedding."
"Been a crazy week," Art continued, "finally glad to have some sanity."
Felix shot him a questioning look. "What do you mean?"
"I've been having crazy dreams," Art said, "like Wednesday, in my dream I woke up, and there at the end of my bed stood Beth."
"Beth?" Felix asked, "Beth Childs?"
"How many Beth's do you know?" Art asked, "Yeah, my old partner. She stood there and she told me, thanks for looking out for you guys. She then sat on the end of my bed, and told me I needed to do her a favor."
"A favor?" Felix repeated.
"Yeah," Art said, "she told me I needed to talk to Alison after this weekend. Tell her old stories and just hang out with her. It was really weird, she didn't say anything about Cosima or Sarah, just...Alison."
"Mother Teresa." Felix exclaimed, dumbfounded. He backed away and looked back at the gazebo, Alison still dancing with the air.
"I'll never get over it." Art said.
"Over what?" Felix questioned.
"The whole clone thing," Art continued pointing towards Alison, "I know that that's Sarah and Alison dancing, but I can't help but see Beth when I look at them."
Felix looked at Art, and then back at Alison dancing alone.
"There?" Felix questioned pointing to Alison, "Sarah and Alison dancing right there?"
Art looked at Felix like he was ascertaining if a criminal were high, "Yes, there."
Felix sat silently with his jaw dropped.
Art could see Beth.
"Alison's ok isn't she?" Art asked, "She's seemed like something's been bothering her."
Felix smiled, understanding the truth at last.
"She's going to be fine," Felix said, "she's going to be fine."
Author's Note: Thank you to everyone who went on this journey with me. I had this concept come to me in a dream and within two days had written the first three chapters. This has taken a lot out of me, but I am super proud of what has come to be. I am floored by the response this has gotten. I hoped to come into this telling a small soccercop story and it ended up writing itself. These two love-birds rip at my heart, and I absolutely love writing them. I hope the story was a good read for you guys and I hope you guys will check out my other fics. If you enjoyed the story, please favorite, review or share it on social media, and boost it. I can honestly say this is my favorite thing I've ever written, and I'd love to have as many people read it as possible.
Anyway, I'm unsure what else to write besides my extreme gratitude to a few people. Jules, you are one of the most encouraging people I know and an amazing friend. Leslie, your work is an inspiration and I'm super thankful that you took the time to help me out with this. Finally, Jasmine and Emily helped Beta early-on in this project and I want to thank them for pointing out some of my most common grammar mistakes so I didn't look like a fool. (Who knew herself was one word?)
Thank you to everyone who read this and remember, people can die, but true love lives on.