Many thanks to chezchuckles for editing this one.

Chapter 39: 3x21, The Dead Pool

I'm a one-writer girl.

Kate doesn't know what to do.

It's been almost a week, and she still hasn't told anyone about Josh.

Lanie - oh, Lanie's going to have a field day with this. First it'll be You broke up with Josh? When? How? Why? and then of course it'll follow up with And when the hell were you going to tell me about it? and then, the one question she really, really doesn't want to answer: What are you going to do about Castle?

What is she going to do about Castle?

She can't deal with what she knows is coming. The looks. The whispers. The murmurs of Knew it would happen eventually. People betting on how long she's going to hold out, how long she can resist before she finally succumbs to Castle's charms. How does Castle live like this? Having his private life dissected whenever people get bored, photos splashed over the paper. Living in an fishbowl. She can barely handle divulging her personal life at the precinct. Castle ends up in the newspaper.

There's one night she has one too many glasses of wine, and her fingers hover over her phone for a long time before she pushes it away. No. She's not going to call him.

She's glad to have a case to occupy her mind. She needs the focus. She needs to remove herself from Josh, from his words. He wasn't kind. When he realized she was saying it was over, he got cruel. And it stung.

Castle, oblivious to any of it, is just Castle. He brings her coffee and she says Thank you.

And Alex Conrad, it turns out, is a pleasant guy.

To be honest, she's flattered when he shows interest. He's cute, after all. And even though she's not really interested in him, not romantically, it's amusing to see Castle's eyes dart jealously after Alex whenever the younger man talks to her.

But it's refreshing to spend time with someone who doesn't know everything. Who hasn't been watching her for three years. Who isn't trying to detect clues about her relationship with Castle. He's just a nice guy. She doesn't want to date him. She just wants to forget about Josh's icy Get out of my apartment and get back to herself.

The giant basket of muffins makes her desk the most popular spot in Homicide for most of the morning. Esposito steals about a dozen. She likes muffins, and it's a sweet gesture, so she appreciates the gift basket. And sternly shuts down the voice in the back of her mind whispering But you like bear claws more, don't you?

Alex leaves the bullpen with Ryan and Esposito, looking delighted - it's nice that at least someone's thrilled at the name Attica - and Beckett turns back to her partner. Castle still wants to talk about the case. She's got something else on her mind. She wants to see if she can call him out on it.

"You know, speaking of mentors...I heard you guys were pretty hard on Conrad last night."

"Hard on him?" Castle scoffs. "No! It was just a little - friendly hazing."

"To hear him describe it, it sounds like someone was trying to teach him a lesson."

"What? Why would I want to do that?"

"Because you didn't want him to spend time with me."

Castle splutters a little. "That - is completely - "

"- true," she cuts in defiantly. He looks like he's about to protest, but she raises her eyebrows. He can't talk his way out of this one. She's caught him. Alex is okay with it, managed to laugh it off pretty well, but she knows Castle and this isn't his usual sort of prank. This doesn't feel much like a prank at all.

For a second she thinks he's going to back off, but then he lifts his chin. "Yes. Fine. It's true. I'm jealous. There, I said it. I want you - all to myself. And to have you spending time with another writer? That upsets me! And if that makes me petty, so be it. Guilty as charged."

Oh.

He's - never come outright and said it before.

"Actually, I kind of think it's sweet." It's adorable. He's adorable. For the first time in a week - maybe longer, if she's being honest - Kate finds herself happy. Because Castle cares. He cares enough to get jealous. "I do. And that's why you don't have to worry about me hanging out with Conrad anymore. From now on, I am a one-writer girl."

He actually smiles. Castle beams at her, and it's just so much more than it should be, how his eyes light up just because she's agreed not to let some other writer interview her. It's nothing, it was never a thing, and didn't Castle know that? Did he really think she was serious about Alex?

Out of nowhere, it hits her, like a blow to the stomach - if it bothered him this much to see her with Alex, how much does it bother him to think she's with Josh?

Castle's never been this open about it before, but now that she thinks about it - when Demming was around - oh, Castle was quiet, wasn't he? He backed off. He didn't bring her coffee. But she saw the hurt look in his eyes when he thought she wasn't looking.

And Kate remembers all too clearly that horrible twist in her stomach as she watched him walk away with his ex-wife, knowing it was her own fault. She'd been telling him no for two years. He'd finally listened.

She takes a long breath. It doesn't feel good being on this side of it, either.

When he opens his front door, she can see he wasn't expecting her. "Beckett? Hi! Uh, please, come in."

She smiles and steps inside. The loft is quiet. The dishwasher is open, half-filled; it looks like he was putting dishes away.

He gestures to the couch. "Can I take your jacket? Get you something to drink?"

She's tempted to accept, but honestly, if she waits she's going to lose her nerve. "I, uh - I wanted to talk to you. "

Castle looks concerned, his blue eyes warm and perceptive. "You okay?"

"Yeah. Actually - I have a story for you."

He brightens immediately, his face relaxing as he smiles. "A story? I'm touched, Beckett. You know my weakness for a good narrative."

"Do you want to hear it or not?"

"Sorry. Yes. Shutting up." He makes a zipper motion over his mouth and motions for her to continue.

Kate can't help but laugh a little. The tension melts from her shoulders. Maybe this won't be so tough. "When I was a freshman in college, I came home for Christmas. This was when I was at Stanford. So I came home, and I - I bought one of your books." She can see him light up at that, but he stops himself. Just nods. "It had just come out."

Reaching into her jacket, she pulls out a copy of The Deadly Wind. It's dirty, smoke-stained, the edges still crispy and dark from the explosion that destroyed her apartment. But it's intact, the title on the cover still legible.

"You - you saved this? Even after the fire?" He looks confused. Once he saw the charred remnants of her library after the explosion, he replaced her entire Richard Castle collection. Didn't say anything. She just answered the door one day to find a messenger with the complete works of Castle, as well as books by Patterson and Cannell and a few by Agatha Christie. And a note that said I figured it'd look pretentious to only give you mine.

"You signed this one."

"I signed your book?" Castle's staring at her, wide-eyed, like it's only now registering. Logically, if he signed her book, then that means she must have - "Wait. You came to a book signing?"

Kate can't help but smile, biting her lip as the corners of her mouth turn up. "Stood in line for an hour." It was bitterly cold that day. She was half-frozen by the time she got inside the store.

It was worth it.

He's turning the half-burned book over carefully in his hands, running careful fingers down the spine, the burnt edges of the pages. "So that night at the party. That wasn't the first time we met."

"No."

"I - didn't - " He shakes his head. "I don't remember. I wish - "

"It's okay, Castle. It was a long time ago. But I got one of your handlers to take this."

She hands him the picture that was tucked inside the front of the novel. It's intact; the book protected it from the fire. He takes it with reverent fingers. The picture itself is unremarkable, not unlike a thousand other pictures he's taken for fans. His arm is around her shoulders, face beaming with an easy, photogenic grin while Kate's pressed against his side, book clutched awkwardly in her hands. He looks fresh and charming and debonair. She's bundled in a heavy coat, mittens sticking out of her pockets, her ears and nose still pink from the winter air, shy smile on her face.

Castle lets out a soft chuckle, his eyes still fixed on the photo. "I mean, I knew you were a fan - "

"It wasn't for me. It was a Christmas present. For my mom." His mouth opens silently. He wasn't expecting that. She opens the front cover of the book in his hands. "You signed it for her, Castle."

His words are still readable, though barely. For Johanna, a real defender of justice. Merry Christmas - Rick Castle

p.s. - Your daughter's cute.

Castle laughs. "Oh, no. I really wrote that?"

"Mom thought it was funny." Johanna had opened the book Christmas morning and laughed heartily, her eyes sparkling.

"She didn't think it was creepy?"

"Her exact words were so did you give him your number?" There was also something about wanting grandchildren eventually, but Castle doesn't need to hear that.

He grins, pleased. "Aha. She thought I was charming? Clearly she was a woman of impeccable taste."

"She loved your books."

He closes the book gently, pressing it back into her hands. "Thank you. I know this means a lot to you."

"I wanted you to know." She runs her thumb over the book's cover. "You were my favorite author long before I arrested you for theft and obstruction, Castle. Because you were her favorite author first."

"It's - it's humbling, Kate. It is. But - I don't understand. Why are you telling me this?"

She bites her lip. "I know you were jealous of Conrad. But did you really think I'd abandon you? He was a nice guy who was interested in police work. That's all."

Castle huffs. "He was interested in you."

Oh, for crying out loud. Men. "The feeling wasn't mutual, then."

Castle stuffs his hands in his pockets, his shoulders squared stubbornly. But he's losing his steam. "Well. I didn't - know that."

"I told you. I'm a one-writer girl, Castle." She takes a breath. "I always have been."

She thought that would comfort him. But - he looks away, his face downcast, and yeah. It's not just about Alex. It never really was, was it?

"Josh and I - " she falters for a second, and she can actually see the sudden shadow cross his eyes. Oh, Castle. This really did hurt him. "Castle, we broke up."

"You - " He swallows, and it's painfully obvious that he's trying not to read into anything. "When?"

"A week ago."

"You - didn't say anything." He's being cautious. His words are slow, carefully chosen. She can tell. He's forcing himself to step back.

She doesn't want him to anymore.

She takes a step forward. He doesn't move away.

"I was - it wasn't a good breakup. I haven't told anyone."

Wasn't a good breakup is a drastic understatement. It was horrible. By the time she left Josh and got back to her own place, she was a quiet mess, her whole mind reeling with the vicious cut of Josh's accusations. That's why she didn't say anything. She couldn't bear the thought of pity. There are parts of her life she doesn't share - at least not easily - and she doesn't like the thought of her romantic life inspiring knowing looks and patronizing murmurs.

"I'm sorry," he murmurs. "Is there - is there anything I can do?"

There are a lot of possible answers to that question. And most of them Kate's not ready to say. But she keeps coming back to last spring, when he walked away with another woman and she realized she might have lost him. She's so sick of walking away.

She has no idea what to say. And she and Castle don't - talk about things.

So she takes a deep breath, reaches for his face, and kisses him on the lips.

For a second he's tense with shock, and panic creeps through her chest. But just as she's about to pull away and apologize, he catches his breath, and then he's kissing her back, his arms slipping around her waist. He pulls her body into his, until their hips are flush and she can feel the rapid press of his breath against her chest. Oh. Well. She wasn't wrong, then. It turns out sometimes just kissing someone is the right course of action.

"Stop thinking," he mumbles into her mouth. "You think too much."

She smiles at that, twining her arms around his neck. He hums in satisfaction as her fingers slide lazily through his soft hair. "Sorry. Can't help it."

"I'm going to have to help you with that," he grins, and then his mouth is on hers again and oh maybe she's not thinking any more.

Castle presses her back against the couch cushions, his hands sliding over her sides as his tongue traces the seam of her lips, teasing and playful and so perfect she can't breathe, can't -

He flinches suddenly as a loud, abrupt chirp interrupts them. She's confused at first, but he sighs into her mouth. "Phone."

"Check it."

"I'd rather keep kissing you."

"Castle."

"Oh, fine." He steals one last kiss before he sits back, pulling his phone out of his pocket. He taps the screen, scanning it, and gapes. Blinks. Looks back up at her sheepishly. Oh no.

"What is it?"

He holds up his phone so she can read the message.

Alexis called. You're finally kissing Kate? Congratulations, darling. Let's have her to dinner tomorrow.

Kate chokes, her face getting hot. "Castle - "

"Sorry." He sighs, running a hand through his hair. "Alexis is upstairs. I didn't realize she saw us. And my mother is, well, my mother." He tucks her hair behind her ear gently. "So. They know."

"I guess so."

Castle sets his phone on the coffee table. "So - is it okay? Dinner? With us?"

With the family is what Kate hears and it's just - it's a lot. But this is it, isn't it? Castle isn't just Castle. He's a family and a home. He's more than just one person to - to care about.

"Uh. Yeah." She smiles, turns her head into his hand. "I can do that."

"It'll be great. I'll have plenty of wine. So even when Mother starts asking overly-personal questions and inquiring about future grandchildren, at least it'll be fun."

Kate chokes a little. That sounds like Martha. "Fun?"

"Don't worry." He leans in, kisses her lightly on the lips. "We can play footsie during dessert."