Chapter 2: Rose Cotton
But no, here is actually How The Lord of the Rings Should Have Ended
"That pig! That fool! That idiot! I hate him! Oh if I ever get my hands on the other Conspirators, I shall kill them all myself! They KNEW I wanted to come to! They KNEW I told them if they got caught to rat me out to Gandalf and Frodo! GAH. HOW is a Hobbit-lady supposed to have any adventures or fun of her own? IT'S NOT FAIR! THIS WORLD IS SO SEXIST IT MAKES ME SICK!"
Rose Cotton was trampling through the woods (most of Middle-Earth is woods so this doesn't really give you any clue where she is), fuming. She peered at her Marauder's Map again. Her boots she had lost in Midgewater Marshes but that hadn't really bothered her because Hobbits like to be barefoot anyway, but because she was a sensible woman she still dressed for weather and adventure instead of starting out of the house letting her furry toes show like SOME morons she could name. She had completely missed the excitement of Weathertop but was also rather glad of that. Being, again, Not An Idiot, she'd had no trouble getting through the Old Forest without getting eaten by a tree (seriously? Who does that?) and she thought better of camping right outside of a 1000-year-old tomb of a dead magic king where everyone one and their dogs (Except, apparently, that dratted boyfriend of hers and his idiot master and his master's idiot cousins) knew that ghosts waited to catch idiot Man-childs and Hobbit-Man-childs unawares. The indignity of it!
And worse, they were *Rewarded* for the foolishness by that…..that Ranger, Aragorn, with swords! Rose wanted a sword! Well, she'd gotten one at Rivendell. At first Elrond was NOT amused that a fifth Hobbit was involved and thought somehow that this was helping matters in any way, shape, or form. But after dismissing him as an Idiot, she started talking to Arwen as if the other Elf Lords weren't there. Arwen was in tears with Rose's complete and utter lack of impressed-ness with her father, because it was the first time anyone in all the lands of Middle-Earth had been so rude to…..the Heir of the Great Houses of the Edain and Noldor and Maia, who was fated to become father to the Returned King of Gondor.
"Elrond Half-Elven they call him? What's his other half?"
Rose probably would have managed to be the only person in history to be in more danger in Rivendell than outside of it if she hadn't made fast friends with the princess, who provided her with a pack stuffed with lembas, a change of clothes, light armor, and a sword. The Marauder's Map showed her husband's dot at "Amon Hen", off alone with Frodo at the edge of the river. She tapped it once with the magic pendant Arwen had given her to go with it and examined the progress of the Fellowship to zoom in. It seemed that the Uruk-Hai (represented by a messy inkblot instead of a dot), were going to finish their raid and move South with her ex-Conspirators before the dots marked "Gandalf" "Shadowfax" and "Gwaihir" would get there. Fuck 'em. If they wanted her to be there to save their butts, they would have made sure not to leave Hobbiton without her. It's a good thing they sucked at covering their tracks out of the Shire worse than they sucked at loyalty to their friend.
Everyone Under the Hill, Over the Hill and Across the Water knew Frodo had the Ring. Of course they did. How could they not, especially after that stunt they pulled at Bree? A Ranger and an Invisible Hobbit walk into a Bar, A Wizard shows up three days later. Three guesses how long we have until the end of the World, and the first two don't count. The main reason that the Nazgul hadn't caught the Ringbearer months ago was that SOME Hobbits have a bit of DECENCY, SOME Hobbits have the sense not to talk to big spooky soul sucking monsters, SOME Hobbits, are not Bill Ferny. Well. She'd dealt with him. That had been fun, a much needed outlet for her pent up anger. Let the townsfolk make up whatever stories they wanted. She decided she liked being an Urban Legend.
Rose was getting tired. It would be another week of walking before she could make it down to the Emyn Muil. By then Frodo and Sam would run into the dot labelled Gollum. She knew they'd be fine because of Sting and because at least Sam wasn't as much of an idiot as Frodo, but it was still a wretch missing out on all these adventures other people were having. She pondered whether she really wanted to catch up to Sam anymore or not. No, she definitely had to catch up to Sam. There was another reason she had decided to chase after the Fellowship, when nobody else in Hobbiton felt a particular need to get involved. Something very important. Something that couldn't wait.
-Fast Forward a few weeks-
At the Tower of Cirith Ungol:
Smash! Crash! Slice! Boom! Thud!
"That's for Mr. Frodo!" "That's for the Shire!" "And that's for my old Gaffer!"
Samwise Gamgee was busy storming an orc-infested tower all on his lonesome to rescue Mr. Frodo. He was pretty sure that this had the "I saw an Oliphaunt" story beat, but also pretty sure he'd never get to share it because even Aragorn and Gandalf wouldn't believe him and Frodo was too busy being unconscious for most of it and would believe that the orcs mostly killed each other because of the Ring. Nobody would ever believe that the reason Sam was totally able to massacre hordes of orcs out of nowhere when previously he had exhibited no displays of skill at this whatsoever was for the simple reason that he was the Goddamn Batman, and he had a Secret Identity to protect.
Sam climbed the stairs to the top of the tower. An orc was running madly from the room above the trap door.
"Gah! Don't hurt us! Don't hurt us! There's a great Elf Warrior loose in the tower! They'll kill us! They'll kill us! Please have mercy!"
"Aye! I'm the Great Elf Warrior! Look! Here is Sting! Nasty Elvish blade will hurt and kill you, if you don't tell me where I can find Mr. Frodo, the Halfling you captured, right now! Tell me Because I'm Batman!" Sam choked out in his best Batman voice. It had taken weeks of chainsmoking in secret since just before Moria to get his voice to do that.
"Not YOU you stupid fat idiot! Your psychotic girlfriend, maybe soon to be ex! She just fucking KILLED THE WITCH-KING! The Big Number One of the Nine, he'd been summoned because we said we had the Hobbit Baggins, and the Captain knew that he might have the Ring, or if not, a Rescue might be attempted by another Companion bearing the Ring! Well, I see you've come here right into our trap. But Ohh! Ohh! The Dark Lord is going to have our souls! You halflings are INSANE to mate if all your females are like THAT!"
"…."
"Wut."
"SAMWISE GAFFER GAMGEE YOU GET YOUR ASS UP HERE RIGHT THIS FUCKING SECOND!"
Utterly confused and horrified, Samwise did as he was told, that was definitely Rosie's voice. Shit. Him and the guys were really fucked. He tried to tell Merry and Pippin it was a bad idea to ditch her. He knew it was dangerous and he didn't want her to come, but he also knew she wasn't stupid and they'd catch hell when they got home. Merry and Pippin said it would be ok because they'd probably die somewhere between the Shire and Mordor and would never have to face Rose.
"Well, that's the last time I ever listen to them, then." Sam thought to himself.
Samwise opened the trapdoor and climbed up, and stared in horror at the gory scene.
Shagrat and Gorbat were in bloody gooey pieces all over the walls and ceiling, one of their heads (he couldn't tell which) still left half of its face hanging off her sword.
There were nine (all Nine! Christ!) black cloaks in ripped tatters on the floor and a twisted mangled helmet with spikes. There was a foul stench on the air, almost like the Black Breath, but much diluted, enough to keep one's senses and tell what it actually smelled like: mostly like dead guys.
"When they discovered that Frodo didn't have the Ring, they didn't know who would show up, whether it would be you, Aragorn, or Gandalf. They knew about the Eagles from Bilbo's adventure, see, and they assumed we weren't complete idiots and wouldn't just try walking around in secret risking starving to death of not having enough lembas. If I hadn't thought to go NORTH instead of South when I checked my map, I would have been screwed because the Lorien elves were marching already and had taken all their supplies with them."
"Um. What the Fuck, Rose? Those are the Nazgul. How in Mordor did you kill them?!"
"SAMWISE GAMGEE! HOW DARE YOU GO ON THIS QUEST WITHOUT ME! NO NOTE! HORSE GONE! YOU COULD HAVE DIED! YOU HAVE BEEN CAUGHT! THE ENTIRE SHIRE FACED AN INQUIRY FROM THESE FUCKERS AND IT IS ENTIRELY. YOUR. FAULT. YOU KNOW YOU AND I ARE THE ONLY CONSPIRATORS WITH ANY BRAINS. NO ''I'M SORRY FOR LEAVING YOU BEHIND, ROSE"? NO "I'M SORRY FOR LYING TO YOU AND SAYING I'D MAKE SURE YOU'RE WITH US"? NO APOLOGIES OF ANY KIND SAM?"
"meep. o.o" Sam decided it would be best if he shut up at that point.
"I AM ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED. AND IF YOU PUT ANOTHER FURRY TOE OUT OF LINE, I'M BRINGING YOU STRAIGHT HOME! I'll send you to the Halls of Mandos and you can tell Boromir congratulations on being a hero!"
"Also there was a loophole in the prophecy about the Witch-King. Apparently a rampaging hobbit lass in a bitch mood is neither a male nor a human so I got completely around the ''No Living Man" thing. Stupid male egos they decided to do the whole honor duel thing, sent their champion against me and what not. Well I'm a Halfling, right? Exactly half the height of a Numenorean? I stabbed him in the groin. A lot. And after the other Nazgul saw that they asked to be allowed to kill themselves."
"o.O"
"Which Reminds Me! I'm going to do the same thing to you unless you fix what I came all the way out here to tell you!"
"Yesma'amwhateveritis! :O "
"YOU. LEFT. THE. TOILET. SEAT. UP."