When I woke up naked in the middle of the night, I spent a minute just confused. My mind couldn't fully recall the events of the previous night, so I couldn't put together why I wouldn't be in my pajamas. One look at Sara asleep in her bed brought all of the memories back, and suddenly, I felt like putting clothes on was the most important thing in the world. She'd seen all of me, so it's not like it really mattered, but I needed to cover myself.

I grabbed my underwear off of the ground and slid them on under my covers. They were still damp, and they felt a little cold against me. I managed to grab a tank top that was sitting on the chair and throw that over my head.

What the fuck were we gonna do now?

It had been so shocking on one level and so predictable on another. What had I been expecting to happen pushing her like that right after she'd opened herself up? I'd known she would eventually lash out at me, and on some level, I'd been hoping it would be in this way. I hadn't expected it to be like that, though. I'd expected I'd have to lead her: go slowly and be patient and tell her that everything would be alright. I hadn't expected her to be so experienced...so confident and sure of herself.

I suppose I'd made my assumptions about her, too.

Just thinking about everything was starting to give me a migraine, so I tried to go back to sleep. Right when my eyes started to feel heavy, I heard Sara crawl out of her bed. I kept my eyes shut and stayed as still as possible until I heard the first sob. I opened my eyes just enough to see her, and she was on her knees, elbows on her bed, hands clasped in front of her. She was praying, mumbling so quietly that I could only make out "sorry" and "one time" between hiccups. After a while, she crawled back into her bed.

I didn't fall back to sleep until I heard her stop crying.

I heard the shower running when I woke up the next morning. I ignored the quick thought I had of Sara naked just a room away and hopped out of bed. I tried to get ready before Sara came back, but she walked back into the room as soon as I was up.

"Oh," she said, stopping and looking at me. "Good morning, Tegan."

"Um...morning." I said. I thought that she would lead the conversation, but she stayed silent and still. I kept talking. "Did you...did you sleep alright?"

I cringed at how stupid that question was.

She nodded. "Yeah, I slept..." she drifted off, looking at me up and down, and I could feel my face heating up.

"Sara?" I said. "You feeling alright?"

"Is that my shirt?"

I didn't even hear the words she'd said at first, because I was too focused on how they'd come out of her mouth. Like she could barely get them through her throat. Like it had gone instantly dry at the thought of me in her clothes.

And that's when it sunk in that I was in her clothes. I'd grabbed her tank top while I was half asleep and looking to cover myself.

"Oh shit, sorry!" I said, going to peel the shirt off of myself before catching Sara's eyes glazing over and realizing that I was about to strip in front of her. "Oh God, I'm really sorry!"

"It's fine," she said, turning around. "I just...I just noticed."

She just noticed...because she had fucked me last night, and now I was wearing her clothes the next morning. I should have noticed her smell all over it the second I'd put it on. Maybe I had...maybe that's why I'd kept it on...

"I'm just gonna change now," I said, and she nodded. I took off her top and threw one of my own on (and also took the time to throw on some pants, because I hadn't missed the way she'd looked at my legs). "I didn't mean to. It was just after last night-"

"It's fine," she said again with a forced smile. "It was an accident. I don't mind."

"Alright," I said, not knowing what else to say. She obviously didn't want to talk about what had happened, and I wasn't sure that I wanted to, either. She wasn't being mean, so I was willing to go along with this for a while. "I need to take a shower. I'll, um...I'll see you at breakfast?"

"Maybe at chapel," she said. "I'm not very hungry. Thinking I might just grab something while you're getting ready and then go for a walk."

"Oh. Okay." I understood. She needed the space. I ignored the part of myself that felt rejected. "See you then."

I forced a smile and rushed into the bathroom. I leaned against the door for a minute to catch my breath before walking over to the mirror, twisting and turning to see every angle. The damage wasn't as bad as it could have been: some scrapes and bite marks up my back and shoulders, a few bruises around my waist where the desk had pushed into me. There wasn't anything that I couldn't cover with clothes.

Well, except for how swollen my lips were from Sara's kisses. I could explain that away if needed, though, and the people here probably wouldn't even notice. I noticed, though. I noticed it just the way I noticed how every little pain made me think of something that Sara had done to me.

I got in the shower, and I turned the water all the way to cold. I didn't want to feel this way...or more I didn't want these feelings to turn me on the way that they did. I should be scared of the way Sara had just treated me, but all I could do was try to think of ways to get her to do it again. I laughed a little; I suppose this was how Sara was feeling about liking girls.

I wondered how many other girls Sara had done this with...how many of them she'd kissed like that...how many she'd owned like that...how many she'd made cum over and over again until they couldn't breathe...

"Fuck," I said to myself, shivering. The cold water wasn't keeping my mind off of thoughts of the night before, so I turned the dial in the other direction, the water getting just on the edge of burning my skin. I hoped the pain would be distracting, but it just made me start aching in all the places Sara had hurt me the night before, and my fingers were on my clit before my conscious mind could stop it.

She was obviously fucked up. Damaged. I knew from the moment that I met her that going this way with her would be a disaster. For fuck's sake, she had voluntarily come to this place, and I had somehow ended up with her fingers inside of me.

I wondered how many fingers she had used on me...

I pushed two fingers inside of myself, and I immediately knew that she'd used more. I felt sore, and I knew that Sara may still be on the other side of the door, so I knew I shouldn't have been doing this. I pushed another finger inside of myself and pushed a little bit harder. I winced. It hurt. It felt so good. I knew that I should stop. I knew she'd used more. I pulled my fingers out before pushing them back in with a fourth, and I couldn't hold in the moan that bubbled up from the back of my throat.

God, I just wished it was Sara. What the fuck had she done to me?

I heard a knock on the door, and I froze.

"Yeah?" I called out, hoping my voice didn't shake too much. Had she heard me?

"I'm leaving," Sara called through the door. "Just so you know."

"Okay. Yeah. Thanks." I heard her walk out of the cabin, and I yanked my fingers out of myself. I couldn't believe I'd just done that. She was right there, and we'd just been together the night before. The layer of awkwardness around us was so thick I could almost taste it in the air, and I still couldn't stop from touching myself in the bathroom.

I needed to get it together. I needed to talk to Sara. I didn't want to talk to Sara. Honestly, I didn't even know how to talk about this. I didn't even know what I was feeling. I knew I liked her, I wanted her. It seemed stupid at this point to deny that I had feelings for her, it was just a question of how deep they went. Was this a little crush blown out of proportion because of an amazing fuck, or was it really as special as it felt?

One time with one girl was making me question who I was and what I wanted and I didn't know how to say that to her without freaking her (or myself) out.

I waited until the last possible moment to make my way to the chapel. I spent all of breakfast trying to set boundaries for myself. Don't look at her. Don't breathe too heavy. Don't try to talk to her. Absolutely do not touch her. Rules that flew out the window almost the second I sat next to her.

Being so late meant that I had to squeeze past Sara just to sit down, and I felt light headed just from the feel of her knees brushing the back of my legs. The guy on my other side wasn't giving me a lot of room that day, so Sara and I ended up pressed up to each other. I had to focus all of my thoughts on not fidgeting in my seat. She was trying her hardest not to react at all, but I could see the goosebumps rising on her neck, and I wanted to run my tongue along them.

This wasn't healthy.

I moved slightly in my seat, and I felt myself ache between my legs. I groaned as quietly as I could, but Sara heard. She looked over at me, and we both blushed.

"I'm okay," I said quickly. She looked away, and I sighed in relief. We did need to talk, but this was just about the worst time to do it. Neither of us scooted away for the entire service, though, and Sara's goosebumps never disappeared. After the service, in her hurry to leave, her hand brushed my thigh, and our eyes met. I opened my mouth to say something (I didn't know what), but she turned and left before I had the chance.

"Tegan, you seem distracted today. Did you want to talk?"

I barely remembered the walk from chapel to group.

"No," I said.

"Come on," Joe said. "I feel like we've maybe made a little progress together. You've at least been helping Sara."

I could see Sara's whole body tense next to me out of the corner of my eye.

"Yes," I said. "I've been helping Sara. That doesn't mean anything for me."

"It means you think the therapy can work for some people," Joe said. "When you got here, you didn't think it could work at all."

"It means that I'm helping Sara," I said. "That's it. Move on."

Joe shook his head and turned to Sara. "How are you doing?"

Sara shrunk into herself a bit and looked at the ground. "I don't want to share today."

"Sara, we've been making such great progress. Don't take steps backward."

"I already have," she said, "but it won't happen again."

"What happened?" Joe asked, and Sara shook her head. "Sara, honesty-"

"Stop," I said. "Leave her alone."

"No," she said from next to me. "I need this to get better."

I could feel my eyebrows raise on my face.

Joe smiled. "Share with us, Sara."

Her eyes hadn't risen from the floor. "I had sinful urges that I let get out of control. Things are getting better in general, though. I choose to focus on that." She looked up at me, and the look in her eyes had me wishing that everyone else would just get the hell out so she could fuck me in this chair. "I won't let this get the best of me again."

Her eyes were back on the ground, and Joe said something in a sympathetic tone. I couldn't hear the actual words over the blood rushing to my ears.

We needed to talk. We really needed to talk.

Of course I had my individual counseling that day. You'd think that they'd get people with a little more expertise to do this part. Supposedly, all of these counselors had doctorates, but I really questioned where they'd gone to school. They didn't seem to be any better than Heather and the lot, and they were all fucking idiots.

"Well, it's obvious that something is on your mind," my counselor, Danny, said. "You should talk it out."

"I should," I said. "Not to you, though. I really don't think you want to hear what I have to say,"

"You know, you can talk to me about anything," he said. "Any thoughts you're having or any troubles you're facing. I'm here for you."

I hated these. Sitting in a room with someone I didn't trust, being told to spill my darkest secrets. All I wanted to do was run out, and that was on a normal day. Right then, I was feeling like blowing the place up just so I'd never have to come back.

"I'm fine," I said. "Just tired. I've been having trouble sleeping with the heat."

He smiled. "I think there's more to it than that-"

"I'm done talking now."

I never said much in that room. I wondered how Sara could say so much to someone who had such a clear agenda, and I then felt angry with myself for breaking my streak of five minutes without a thought of Sara. I wished that Danny was a real therapist. I felt like I could actually use one of those right about then.

I skipped lunch and went straight back to the cabin, hoping to have a little bit more time to myself. I didn't know how to act, and I couldn't think clearly. It only got worse when I was around Sara. The whole day was a blur, and I just needed a moment to myself.

Unfortunately, Sara seemed to have the same idea.

She was sitting at the desk, and I felt a jolt through my body. How could she so casually sit at the desk after what had happened? How could she run her hands across its surface when she knew I'd been there less than a day ago, cumming all over her fingers?

She looked over her shoulder at me and sighed. "Hello, Tegan."

I walked over and sat on my bed. "Hey."

We didn't say anything else for a few minutes. Sara went back to her bible, and I laid down. It felt surreal...like the both of us just wished we'd tried a little harder to just ignore each other. It couldn't be that hard...

It really was.

"I didn't eat anything for lunch, yet," she said. "I should probably get something."

"No," I said before she could stand up, and she looked at me.

"Tegan-"

"We have to talk about it," I said. "We have to talk about what...well, I'm still not quite sure what happened."

"I lost control," she said, looking away from me. "It won't happen again."

"You keep saying that," I said, annoyed. "How many times has it happened before?"

"That's personal."

"I know," I said. "Just tell me."

I saw her jaw clench and release a few times. "I don't know."

"You don't know?" I asked. "What does that mean?"

"I just...I lost count."

I tried to keep my face calm so she'd keep talking, but I was sure my face twitched a little bit. She'd lost count? How do you lose count? How many times did you have to do this for you to lose fucking count?

"Like, um, could you ballpark it?" I asked after a minute.

Her cheeks turned red. "Tegan, that was the last time. It doesn't matter how many times it's happened before."

"More than ten?"

"Tegan, stop-"

"Fifteen? Were they all..." I swallowed hard. "...rough like that?"

Sara was squeezing her eyes shut. "I told you I don't know. I...I have urges. For the most part, I don't let them get to me. Sometimes, they become too much. My first time was at fourteen. I went on a field trip to an amusement park. I met a girl. She was a couple years older than me and with another school, and we spent the day together. Right before it was time for us to leave, she took me into a bathroom stall. She kissed me, and I wanted to stop her, because I knew it was wrong...but I didn't, because I'd wanted her to kiss me the whole day. I let her kiss me. And I let her slip her hand into my pants."

"Holy shit," I said without thinking. I regretted the words the second they were out of my mouth. Sara started to withdraw into herself, crossing her arms. "No, that wasn't-I'm not saying it was bad. I just wasn't expecting that."

"Neither was I, but I didn't stop it. It felt..." She took a shuddering breath. "It felt so fucking good, Tegan. I couldn't stop it. I just told myself that it would be the only time. I'd never see this girl again, and this had been the first time I'd kissed someone since I'd been caught. I just needed to know what it felt like. I needed to let my sin control me this one time, and then it would let me go."

"But it didn't work," I said for her. "It kept happening."

"I started sneaking out of my house at fifteen. My parents didn't know for a long time. I'd start to feel crazy, and I'd know that I needed to just feel it one more time. I never meant for it to keep happening. or to keep liking it, or for it to happen so much my parents finally started to suspect and stopped letting me out of the house for anything but school. They tried to help me, but it just seemed to make it worse."

"How?" I asked.

"It didn't stop me from leaving at night. It made it harder, so I did it less, but eventually, I'd leave." Her eyes were hollow. She was staring at my neck, and I realized that I hadn't totally covered one of her marks. I pulled my collar up, but it immediately fell back down, and Sara's eyes didn't move. "I would find some willing girl and take her wherever was most convenient. Sometimes it was their apartment, sometimes it was their car, sometimes it was the alleyway behind a club. It didn't matter. I always planned for each of them to be the last."

I didn't know what to say. I was trying so hard to ignore the part of me that felt used, because it was clear that Sara had much bigger problems than I'd thought. I wanted to be there for her, despite the fact that she'd made me one of an apparently long list of meaningless girls that she'd fucked in unimportant places. She needed someone.

"You really are the last, though," she said to me.

"Why?" I asked. "Why am I different?"

"Because this place is making me better," she said for the thousandth time. "And I need you to be my friend. I can't hate you. I can't leave you, so you have to be the last."

"You don't have to leave me." The words were coming out of my mouth before I could think them through. I didn't even know why I was saying them.

Yes I did.

"I am sick, Tegan," she said, her voice becoming sharper, and I couldn't ignore the way my body responded to it. I gulped and shifted on the bed as inconspicuously as I could. "I don't choose this. I don't choose you."

I bit my lip and ignored that.

"You don't choose anything," I said. "You just want me."

"I've wanted many girls, Tegan," she said, her voice getting low. "You aren't special."

I ignored that, too. It wasn't as easy as the others, though.

"You know that there's something here," I said, barely above a whisper. "Yesterday was-"

"A mistake."

"Fucking amazing," I said, looking straight in her eyes. "I've never been touched like that."

"Bullshit," she spat. "I'm not naïve."

"Sara, I've never come close to anything like that touching myself, and the only other time I've ever had sex was good, but it wasn't...Sara, it wasn't what we had."

Her eyes went wide. "What did you just say?"

"What we did, it was special-"

"No, what did you mean the only other time?" She looked panicked. "You told me you done this before."

"No, you assumed I'd done this before." I took a deep breath. She'd been honest. The least I could do was be honest with her, too. "The only other time I've ever had sex was what landed me here. You were number two."

Her face got paler by the second. She opened and closed her mouth a few times, but she didn't say anything. She moved from the desk to her bed, seeming to want to put more distance between us.

"I didn't know," she said. "I really didn't know. I'm so sorry."

"Don't be," I said quickly. "I wanted it."

"I wouldn't have done that if I'd known."

"Then I'm glad you didn't." I didn't even know what I was saying anymore. She was staring at my lips again. God, I hoped I got to kiss her again, even if everything was such a mess

Before she could reply, there was a knock at the door before it started to open. We both jumped, despite the fact that we were on opposite sides of the room.

"Tegan," Heather called me with a smile. "You have a phone call."

"Is it my parents?" I asked. I really didn't think I could deal with talking to them right now.

"No, it's your cousin," she said. I tried to keep the confusion off of my face. I really doubted that my parents had let anyone in my family know where I was, so it probably was a friend. I wondered who would have been able to (or who would care to, at this point) find me. I got up and left, giving Sara one last look that said we would finish this later before I walked out the door.

Heather walked me to the front office and left me in the personal call room. I picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"I'm so glad to hear you're okay."

I couldn't believe my ears. I sat down in the chair next to the phone.

"Lindsey?"