CHAPTER 10:

I'd had a guess or two for who would be calling me. I thought maybe it was one of my friends from school. I was never very close to anyone, but a few of the kids that ran in the same circles that I did would love the drama of tracking me down in a pray-away-the-gay camp. There were also those couple of kids that just had to know everything that was going on, even though high school was over. I even thought that it may have been one of my actual cousins, calling either to say they still loved me or (much more likely) to shun me from the family.

Lindsey was just about the last person that I was expecting to hear on the other line.

"How are you, Tegan?" She asked me, like she was relieved to hear my voice. Like she was worried about me.

"Are you...are you fucking kidding me right now?" I was furious. "You have the nerve to call me after everything you did?"

"I know that you're upset. I would be, too."

"Don't act like you're my friend. We weren't friends. We weren't anything, apparently."

"You know that's not true," she said. "You know I liked you so much-"

"But you liked your boyfriend's cock more."

"Tegan, stop, and let me explain-"

"What could you possibly say?" I was trying so hard to keep my voice down. If they heard me on the other side of the door, they might take all call privileges away, but that didn't mean that it was easy. "What could you say that would fix what you so royally fucked up, Lindsey?"

"Nothing, okay?!" she finally yelled at me. "I'm not trying to make things better. I'm not trying to get you to forgive me. I'm trying to make sure that you're okay!"

"Where the fuck was that care when I was begging you to take me in at your place?"

"Look, I was in shock. Honestly, Tegan, I never thought anything was going to happen between us. You were cute, and you thought I was cute, and I thought we were having fun. Then we started kissing, and you started taking me on dates, and I just...I couldn't get myself to tell you that I had a boyfriend."

I shook my head, even though she couldn't see me. This was a waste. This whole conversation was a waste, and it had interrupted a conversation that I actually needed to happen.

"Lindsey, I don't need to hear your whole sad sob story. It's fine."

I heard her sigh over the phone. "I get that you're mad, but would you just shut up for a minute."

"I could hang up," I said.

"Don't! I'm sorry, okay? I was just saying that this really moved fast. I mean, in one day, we went from having wonderful sex to you crying at my door. I panicked, and I made all the wrong calls, and I'm sorry."

I wanted to still be angry with her, but the more she spoke, the more I realized that I just didn't care as much about what she'd done to me. It wasn't that I forgave her, but more that I just didn't feel that passionately about her anymore. I didn't feel as hurt by her, because I didn't feel as strongly for her. Of course, it would always hurt on some level, because Lindsey was my first taste of love, but she wasn't my focus anymore. My mind and my heart had gone elsewhere quickly.

It terrified me that Sara meant so much more to me than Lindsey ever had.

And I'd told Lindsey that I was in love with her.

"It's...it's okay," I finally mumbled out.

"Really?" she asked. "You go from cursing me out and barely letting me get in two uninterrupted sentences to 'It's okay'? Why?"

"Because you were right when you said that not everyone you end up with is going to be your soul mate." I just wanted to get back to the cabin. "Are we done now?"

"I could get you out."

The sentence filled me with hope and dread at the same time.

"Whatever," I said, scoffing.

"These places aren't as thorough with their checks as they should be," she said. "Hell, I've just been calling around, asking for you at every gay camp I could find, saying I was your cousin."

"Jesus," I said with a small laugh. "How long did that take?"

"Pretty much from the moment that I realized that I was a really shitty person for turning my back on you. I started with the worst places first. The ones where they...well, I figured if you were at one of those, I'd want to get you out as soon as possible. Those places did have tighter security, though, so I'm really glad you ended up where you did."

"Yeah, it's been a joy," I said sarcastically. "I'm so glad that I ended up at the weird Sunshine Cult correctional camp where they make you hate yourself with a smile."

"I'm sorry," she said. "I wasn't trying to say that what you're going through isn't tough. That's why I want to get you out. I could at least try. You could stay at my place, and my boyfriend wouldn't care as long as we aren't together anymore. Please, Tegan."

I needed to say yes. For every logical reason in the entire world, I needed to say yes. Even if it wouldn't be ideal to temporarily live with my ex and her boyfriend, it was a hell of a lot better than what I had here. I could get a job and take out loans and pay for school myself. I might have to put my music dreams on hold, because I wouldn't have a lot of free time, but at least I would be able to be myself. I'd be able to pretend that this was all a dream.

Except for Sara.

"I can't, Lindsey," I heard myself say.

"What?" She couldn't believe it. "What do you meant you can't?"

"I just...I can't just move in with you after everything that happened. I can't trust you." I lied. Well, it was true in part, but not the real reason.

"Okay. I get that. So you're just staying there?"

"It's not that much longer," I said. "Like you said, at least they aren't beating me."

She was quiet for a second before saying, "Alright. Still, if you need anything, just give me a call, and when you get out, I'll try to get you some money to help you get out on your own. It won't be much, but it's better than nothing."

"Lindsey, you don't have to-"

"It's the least I can do," she said.

I heard a knock at the door. "I have to go. I...I'm glad you called." I felt weird saying it, but it was true. It was nice to be able to let go of a little bit of anger. It felt good to have closure on something.

"No problem, Tegan. Bye."

"Bye." I hung up the phone and walked out of the room. Heather was on the other side of the door.

"Good conversation?" she asked with her usual smile.

"Yeah," I said. "Just a little pep talk."

"Oh, good!" she said as we started to walk back to my cabin. "I know you don't see it, Tegan, but you're getting much better."

"Uh huh," I said, trying to ignore her.

"You don't speak out in group anymore, you participate in Arts and Crafts. You always donate to all of our fundraisers."

"I don't donate. I buy junk food," I said, and Heather laughed.

"You have such a good sense of humor!" Her laughter died down. "I know you use it as a shield, though. I know that deep down, you want help. I know because once upon a time, I was just like you. I thought that giving in was being myself, but really, it was just letting my sin suppress my real self."

"Yes," I finally said. "I've heard this speech at least three times from every person who works at this camp."

And Sara.

I fucking hated these people and Sara's parents for making her hate herself.

We were finally back at the cabin, and I went to open my door, but Heather's hand on my arm stopped me.

"You should follow Sara's lead," she said. "Let her show you the way to recovery."

Heather's words held more meaning than they should have.

I went into the cabin, and Sara was lying down on her bed.

"Is everything okay?" she asked.

I nodded. "Yeah, everything's fine."

"Are you sure you aren't mad at me?" she said, sitting up in her bed. "I promise that I didn't know...although, that doesn't really make anything better, does it?"

We dropped into silence for a while. Who was Sara? Was she the stuck up bitch or the sweet teenager who just needed love or the sex goddess who took what she wanted or the broken soul...I realized that it was probably all of the above. I should have been put off, but it just made me more interested.

I sighed after she'd come out of the bathroom, now dressed in her PJs. "I promise you that I don't feel bad about it. You didn't cross a line. I wanted it."

"Please don't say that," she said. "Please stop making this harder."

"Sara, what is it going to take for you to stop fighting this? Isn't it obvious that you like me?"

"I don't," she said. "Not like that. You were just...there."

"I think you're lying," I said. "I think if Lindsey hadn't called me before, we might have actually gotten somewhere."

Sara's eyes flashed, and for a split second, I saw the look she'd given me before bending me over the desk. It instantly made me so wet I could feel it.

"What about Lindsey?"

Sara knew Lindsey's name from some stories that I'd told her while we were getting along. I suppose now Sara had put together that Lindsey was the other woman I'd ever been with.

"Um...yeah. It wasn't my cousin on the phone after all." I felt guilty for not telling her, but then I felt stupid for feeling guilty. I didn't have to tell Sara anything.

"Why was she calling?" she asked.

"Why do you care?" I shot back.

Sara closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths. "I'm going to sleep."

Circles. All we did was go in circles. Sara just kept forcing us into the same fucking argument because she refused to admit the feelings that were so obviously there. I'd tried to ignore them like she had, but at some point, you have to realize when something greater than yourself was happening.

She wanted to keep falling into the same patterns? That was just fine with me. I just wasn't letting her lead the conversation anymore.

"She called to check on me," I said. "She said she's been trying to find me since my parents sent me off."

Sara turned away from me and pulled back the covers on her bed. "I said I was going to sleep."

"She said she was going to try to get me out."

She froze, still facing away. It was so much like she had when she'd been about to walk out of the cabin. She spoke instead of turning around, though.

"Good," she finally mumbled out, and then started crawling into the bed. I crossed the room and grabbed her arm before she could get in. She tried to pull her arm away, but I wouldn't let go.

"Stop being stubborn and just talk to me!"

"Let go!" She pulled harder, and I knocked into her. We both fell onto the bed, me on top, and she immediately started trying to shove me off.

"Fucking wait!" I was trying to keep her from knocking me on the floor. I ended up having to put my full weight on her. I was straddling her, trying to grab her arms as she tried to push me away. "Just calm the hell down!"

I grabbed her wrists and pinned them to the bed. I closed my eyes. I knew what position we were in. I tried to calm myself down, but Sara pushed her hips up into me, and my eyes shot open.

For a split second, she looked like she was enjoying having me on top of her. Her lower lip was between her teeth, and her chest was rising and falling quickly. I briefly worried that she was having an asthma attack before her eyes turned mean and she flipped our positions.

"Get out of my bed, Tegan," she practically growled.

"No. Even if you weren't on top of me, I'd still say no."

My comment seemed to catch her off guard, so I took that time to roll us back over and put myself on top. Sara never let me fully pin her this time, though. She rolled her hips and grabbed my hands, and tried to push me off.

"Tegan, stop!" she yelled, getting on top again.

"Stop because you don't want it, or stop because you can't stop yourself?"

I managed to slip a leg between hers, and as if on instinct, she ground down on it and moaned. I'd said it before: this wasn't healthy. If she didn't want to talk, I should respect her space. I should have let her go to sleep. Those were all the "right" things to do. The wrong thing would be pushing harder into her, which is what I did.

"You don't know what you're doing," she said almost to herself. "You've only been with one other girl one other time. You aren't like me."

"I know exactly what I'm doing," I said, getting my hands free and grabbing her hips. I was so glad that I was getting to see her face this time. No matter how much I could see her trying to hold back, she was loving this. This was stupid. "I can take it, Sara. I can take you."

She leaned down and kissed me hard. She bit my lip, and I worried that it would swell before realizing that I hoped it did. She pulled my tongue into her mouth before she pulled her lips away. She still stayed close enough for me to feel her breath as she spoke.

"Why won't you just stop talking? Why can't you leave me alone?"

"Because you don't want me to."

She pulled my shirt off and started biting my left nipple. She used a hand to start pinching and pulling the other one. My arms wrapped around her, and my nails dug into her back. Why did I like the pain so much? I tried to touch her, but she had both of my hands trapped with the one hand she had left. I didn't understand how she managed it; it wasn't like she was stronger than I was. She stopped straddling my leg and scooted up to my waist.

I kept trying to free myself and gain the upper hand, but my efforts diminished as she kept at my chest. I didn't really want to fight her anymore, anyway. I just wanted her inside of me again. Still, I had to keep pushing, or Sara would start to feel guilt for giving me what I so desperately needed from her.

"Let me go," I demanded. "Let me touch you."

She let go of my nipple with a pop. My chest was red where her mouth had been, and I leaned up to kiss her before she could stop me. Her hands were around my wrists, trying to pin me back down, but she was kissing me back. Before I knew what was happening, we fell on the ground. Landing on Sara broke my fall, but her eyes snapped shut when her head hit the ground.

"Oh my God, are you okay?" I asked, running my fingers through her hair.

She answered by flipping us over and putting her mouth back on mine. Sara didn't know how to talk. That much was clear. When we'd been friendly, she would tell me random stories, but even then, I knew that there were large parts missing. She couldn't take really thinking about what was happening, and for the moment, that was fine for me. I kissed her back just as hard as she was kissing me.

She pulled my pants and underwear off and slipped her fingers inside of me. I knew it was less than last time. Probably two. She was holding back because she still felt bad. It still felt good, but I wanted her to fuck me like she had before. She curled her fingers inside of me and pulled my earlobe into her mouth, and I could hear every little whimper that bubbled up in the back of her throat.

I didn't need it to be like before. This was fucking amazing, too.

Sara's thrusts were slow and deep, and her other hand went back to my chest. I wanted her to be naked. She'd gotten me naked twice, and I'd never seen her. I went to say something about it when Sara groaned in my ear before pulling away a little.

"Damn it," she said, quickly sliding down my body. Her hand kept moving as her mouth latched onto my clit.

"Oh, fuck!" I hoped that no one was anywhere near our cabin, because they would have definitely heard that. This was new. I'd never let anyone touch me like this. I'd thought about it and imagined it more times than I could count, and I'd thought I had a pretty good idea of how it would feel.

I hadn't even been close.

My hips started rolling on instinct, and Sara just kept licking and sucking and pushing harder and faster into me. I suddenly remembered that I could move my arms, and my hands were instantly in her hair, holding her still while I pushed myself against her mouth and her hand. The harder I pushed and the more hair I grabbed, the more I felt Sara moan against me.

I wasn't going to last long. I wanted to hold out for as long as I could, because I didn't know when the next time would be, but she was making it hard.

"Sara...fuck, I-" I cut myself off. I didn't know what I was about to say, but I knew I was caught up and on the edge of an orgasm. Nothing good could come from me speaking my feelings right then. "Just make me cum."

Sara stopped for a second, and I got scared that she was going to pull away, but she just took a deep breath right against my pussy, before pushing back in with three fingers. She pulled on my clit with her lips, and I felt myself go over the edge. I was cumming, and Sara just kept fucking me, building me up again before I had ever really had a chance to come down. Her tongue was flicking me hard and fast, and my thighs clamped around her head.

For a second, I was legitimately scared that I was going to pass out when I came again. The wind got completely knocked out of my lungs, and I saw spots in my vision. I couldn't stop the tremors wracking through my body, and it took me until it was almost over for me to realize that I'd been chanting Sara's name since the first orgasm had started. I only stopped when my throat was dry and I was spent.

Sara pulled out her fingers and started licking everywhere there was any cum on my skin. My thighs, the curve of my ass, my lips...then she laid her head on my inner thigh while she caught her breath. I could feel her cheek puff against my leg as she tried to pull air into her lungs. It felt oddly intimate, but I didn't say that out loud. I didn't want her to stop. This was a lot more attention than she'd given me after the first time. I liked it. I wished it could last forever.

Of course, right after I jinxed myself with that thought, Sara stood up. Again, it struck me that she'd managed to keep her clothes on. I knew that the next time, I would need to make sure that I got to see her.

There would be a next time. At this point, no matter how unhealthy this was, I needed it. I needed Sara.

"I hope I didn't hurt you," she said quietly, sitting on her bed. Once again, I laid on the floor while she stared off, sitting on her bed.

"I'm fine," I said. I grabbed my clothes and put them back on. I sat on my bed facing her. Her eyes seemed to focus, and tears rushed to her eyes. She kept them from falling.

"This can't keep happening, Tegan."

"I know. It won't." I was lying. I wondered if on some level, she was, too.

We both sat on our beds staring at each other for a while. I had no idea how long. This felt so stupid and frustrating to me. I wanted to crawl into her bed. I wanted to make her feel like she'd made me feel. I wanted her to hold me. Instead, we just sat here, staring at each other, because I knew Sara wouldn't give me those things. Not this time, anyway.

"Please don't go," she finally said, and my eyes went wide. "I'm not...I don't want you like that. We can't be like this. Just...I need you here. I don't know why, but I know I need you here for me. I won't make it through this without you."

I sat and stared at her, trying to put a proper thought together. What could I say to that? Her face started to fall, and I had to say something.

"I'm not leaving you," came out, and Sara gave me a half smile.

"And you agree...to just be my friend?" she asked.

I hesitated for a second before saying, "Yes."

Sara turned away after she got her answer. She said a quick goodnight while she faced the wall and away from me. I watched her from my bed, and I imagined what it would be like for her to hold me after we had sex. I closed my eyes, and clung to the memory of her cheek on my thigh as I fell asleep.