The first thing I felt was the headache. It hit the second I opened my eyes.

It had been two days since the hike-and-camp. Ever since I'd been caught in the rain, I hadn't been feeling the best. I tried to get extra sleep and water, but it didn't seem that it had helped.

I closed my eyes again and tried to breathe, but I started coughing instead. I looked over at Sara's bed, but she was already gone. She'd been gone every day before I woke up, and because I'd been getting sick, I was usually asleep when she got back. I only really got to talk to her at mealtimes, and even those she would skip for extra counseling from time to time.

I pulled myself out of bed, and I almost toppled over. I flexed my muscles a little bit, relieved that they felt more tired than achy. Not the flu. Probably a head cold. No big deal. I stripped and dragged myself into the shower. The water made me feel a little better, but then I found myself curled in a ball on the ground. So a bad head cold...

I managed to get myself out of the shower and dressed before the sneezing really started. I looked for tissue, but settled for toilet paper when I couldn't find any. I didn't think I was going to make it to chapel or group, but I really wanted to. As painful as they were, I knew that I would get to see Sara. I walked out of the cabin and halfway to the chapel (I had absolutely no appetite for the mealy shit that they served us for breakfast) before I gave up and turned towards the nurse's office.

"Hello, there!" she said with a smile. I was glad no one else was there, because I didn't think I would be able to wait in line. "Take a seat. You look a little under the weather, there."

I held back the, "No shit," that wanted to come out of my mouth, and I nodded. "Got caught in the rain the other day."

"Oh, that was you? Everyone was so worried!" she rushed around her office, gathering supplies. "I hope you know that everyone is really, really sorry that happened."

"Yes. I know." That's all I'd been hearing since the trip. Everyone was sorry. Everyone was shocked that this had somehow happened. They promised it would never happen again. They said they'd do anything to make it up to us. They were really just begging us not to have our parents sue them.

"Well, I've got a nice little care package set up for you. Water, medicine, crackers, tissue, hand sanitizer...the works! I'll have Heather walk you back to your cabin."

"Oh...ugh, can it be anyone but Heather?" The nurse was gone before I got the question fully out of my mouth. I groaned as I felt my head start pounding harder. I couldn't deal with her stupid, hypocritical face right now. It only took a minute for the two of them to walk in. Heather immediately grabbed the things that the nurse had gotten ready for me and helped me out of the chair.

"I'm sorry you're not feeling well," she said to me. "Give yourself today to rest, and I'm sure you'll be just fine tomorrow."

"Whatever," I replied, not having it in me to be polite. I stumbled a bit, and she caught me. Her hands slipped around my waist and stayed there for a little longer than they needed to, but eventually, she went back to just helping me support my weight. Heather made a lot more sense to me, now. She'd always been more handsy than she needed to be with me. Tina sort of looked like me.

Heather had a little bit of a thing for me. At least, I was her type. I probably should have felt disgusted with her taking advantage of her position, but honestly, I questioned if she was even conscious of it. Besides, I was too out of it to put much thought into it right then.

We got back to the cabin, and she helped me sit in the bed.

"Alright, Tegan. Either I'll be back to check on you, or I'll send someone. Take two of these pills every four hours, and one of these every six. Drink lots of water, and get better!" I just nodded, and she walked out of the cabin. I avoided taking the pills for a while. Being in this place had made me more paranoid than I normally was, and I was almost deliriously sick.

I'd barely been able to answer the door when Heather came back an hour later. She practically had to force feed me as I laid half conscious in my bed. Her hand went to my cheek as she spooned soup into my mouth, and I briefly thought that if I'd offered to fuck her right now, she'd say yes. I felt my stomach turn, and I lightly batted her hand away. She'd hurried out after that.

The next person to knock on my door an hour later was the nurse. I got out of bed, flung the door open, then went back to the bed.

"Tegan, you're running a fever. Take the pills."

"No," I mumbled out. "I'm fine. I need to sleep."

"The pills will help you sleep," she said. It didn't really make me feel better, so I just buried myself deeper into the blankets. She sighed. "Okay, I'm only saying this because I don't want a head cold to turn into something a lot more serious...would you trust me more if I said I don't believe in any of this corrective therapy crap?"

I turned to face her. "You're lying."

She shook her head. "I'm only here because I know a lot of these places don't bother to have certified nurses. Really, certified anything." She sat at the chair. "I went through a couple of these when I was younger, and I almost died from an infected paper cut. I don't want that to happen to anyone else. Ideally, these places wouldn't exist, but they do, so I do what I can. I play along to keep my job and keep you kids safe, but I've been with the same woman for the last fifteen years. Please don't tell anyone and just take the damn pills."

She had the pills in her hand, and I put them in my mouth. She handed me a water bottle, and I took a swig, feeling the pills for a second as they slid down my throat. I drank the rest of the bottle, then laid back down in the bed.

"Thanks," I said to her. "And I won't say anything."

"Thank you," she said, getting up. "Don't make me come back in here."

I stared at the ceiling for a while, trying to breathe without coughing or sneezing. Finally, my body gave into the drugs, and I drifted off to sleep.

I couldn't see anything at first. I could just feel Sara's body against mine. I was standing...she was kissing me. My eyes were closed. I tried to hold her, but I couldn't get my arms to work. Sara pulled away from me, smiling, and I felt myself smile back. My eyes were open. We were in my room at home.

"I missed you," she said, pecking me on the lips again.

"I missed you, too," I said back. "I'm glad you got to see my bed."

She laughed, but her face turned serious. "We shouldn't be doing this."

I sighed. "I know you think that."

She shook her head. "He's coming."

A shadowy figure pulled her away from me, and I tried to grab her back, but my arms still weren't working. I couldn't see her anymore, but I could hear her.

"Tegan! Help!"

"I...I'm trying!" I tried to walk, but my legs wouldn't move. Why wouldn't my legs move?

"You weren't there to save me, Tegan. You can't save me."

"Sara, please!" I yelled. "I'm sorry!"

"You should have been there. Where were you?"

"I...I think I was here." I looked around my room, and everything felt slightly off. "I should have protected you."

There was no answer.

"Sara?" I called, but there was nothing. "I'm here, Sara! I'm not too late! Come back!"

No answer. I felt empty. I needed her to come back. I felt tears at the corners of my eyes. I felt a hand wipe one away. She was saying my name.

"Tegan? Tegan, wake up."

I opened my eyes, and Sara was standing over me.

"Sara?" I asked, relieved to see her. It had taken a few seconds for my mind to register that the dream wasn't real. Sara was here. She was okay.

"I was trying to let you sleep, but you started having another nightmare," she said. "Are you alright? I got so worried when you missed everything this morning, and Heather finally told me you were sick."

She was sitting in the bed, stroking my hair. I felt my headache finally ease off for the first time since I'd woken up this morning.

"I tried to stick it out, but I couldn't do it." I coughed, and she helped me sit up in the bed. She sat next to me, putting her feet up. Our sides were touching, and I hated that I was sick even more then, because I wished I had the energy to touch her.

"Well, I brought you lunch. It's not much, but you can put it with these crackers." She looked down. "I should have checked on you when you weren't at chapel."

"It's okay," I said. "You don't have to take care of me."

"You're my best friend. Of course I have to take care of you." She looked at me. "Besides, you took care of me when I had my attack and when I got that headache, so I owe you this."

I smiled. "Thank you."

"How do you feel?"

"Like I got hit in the face with a brick," I answered. "It sucks. I just wish I'd die, so it could be over with."

She put her arm around me, and I rested my head on her shoulder...almost on her chest.

"Just relax," she said. "Remember how much better I felt after I relaxed?"

I felt myself blush, thinking of what I'd needed to do to get her to relax.

"You're right." I closed my eyes, and she went back to running her hands through my hair. The drugs were still making my eyelids heavy, and I felt myself drifting in and out of sleep. After laying like this for a while, Sara spoke up.

"Did you love Lindsey?"

"I dunno..." I mumbled out. "I thought I did."

"But you don't think so now?"

"I think maybe..." I was trying to get through this, but I could barely get a thought together. I'd always been a lightweight with cold medicine. "Maybe I did, in a way. But I can feel more than I did for her."

Sara took a deep breath. "I think that's how I felt the first girl I kissed. I know I was only eleven. I know it wasn't quite the same, but it was the first time I felt...like love was possible." She took a few quick breaths before adding, "But I know that couldn't really have been love, either. I've felt more since with women that I knew I wasn't in love with. I just need...I need to feel this way with a man."

"Sara-"

"I'm sorry," she said. "You're supposed to be resting. I shouldn't be emptying my baggage on you."

"You can," I said. "It's weirdly relaxing. I think it makes me feel better helping you work through this stuff." If I'd been fully awake and sober, I wouldn't have said the next part. "And your voice is relaxing me. Please keep talking."

I felt her laugh a little. "I shouldn't laugh, but you're so cute." I wrapped my arm around her waist. It felt like she kissed the top of my head. Was I already asleep?

"I love my dad," I said without thinking. "He was my best friend for a really long time. He said he loved me, but...I think..." I started to drift off.

"My father has never been particularly impressed with me," she said. At least...I thought she said it. I knew part of me was dreaming, because I could see Sara's face as she spoke, but I knew my eyes were closed. "I've learned not to anger him. When he'd found me kissing that girl...he'd grabbed my arm and flung me to the ground. He made her leave. I told him that my arm hurt, and he just pulled me to my feet, by that arm, and told me that I'd hurt him worse than he was hurting me."

I tried to speak, but I couldn't get any words to leave my mouth.

"We went to the hospital the next morning when I hadn't been able to sleep because of the pain. It was black and blue and swollen. My dad told the doctors some excuse, and they told us it was broken in one place and there were sprains everywhere. They said I was lucky I was still young enough to heal properly."

"I should have been there..." I mumbled out. "To protect you."

She shushed me. "You aren't responsible, Tegan. You couldn't have been there."

I whined and clung to her. "I'm sorry that happened."

"Don't tense up," she said. "I didn't mean to upset you."

"Don't worry about that. Just...fuck, Sara. I'm sorry."

I felt like I couldn't breathe. My nose was completely stuffed, and breathing through my mouth made my throat feel like it was on fire. I started panicking, and Sara just started rubbing circles on my back.

"It's okay, Tegan."

I felt tears come to my eyes. "I hate being sick." It was easier right now to blame all of my feelings on my cold rather than her family making me sick.

"I can tell." She laughed a little.

"Hey, don't laugh!" I said.. "I feel like shit."

"I know. I wish I could do more than say I'm sorry over and over again."

"It's okay. You're doing enough. I'm just gonna try to sleep." I slid down in the bed and faced the wall. Sara started to get out of the bed, so I spoke up. "Maybe you could stay?" I pressed my luck. "It might help if you hold me."

I didn't dare face her. I didn't want to see her face twitch as she made up all the reasons that she couldn't do that. I just wished I'd let her leave. I'd rather that than face more rejection in my weakened state.

Then I felt her slide in behind me and wrap her arm around my waist. We were spooning. I was afraid to breathe, because it may somehow scare her away.

"Tegan, calm down. Try to think soothing thoughts."

"I just..." I wanted to sleep, but I couldn't quite drop off. "I can't get out of my head."

"I wish I could help."

"Maybe you could touch me. It worked for you." I said with a laugh, forgetting that Sara might take it the wrong way.

I felt her move behind me, then her lips were on the back of my neck. I suddenly felt a lot more awake.

"Just relax," she said, then she kissed me in the same spot again, longer this time. I let out a moan. Her hand slid lower, and she was rubbing my clit through the underwear I was wearing.

"Sara, I was kidding," I said, squirming.

"I know," she whispered in my ear. "But you're right. It helped me."

Her hand slipped into my underwear, and a finger slipped inside of me. I gasped. This was a really nice distraction from the burning in my lungs...although, it wasn't really helping, either. I didn't really care. This was making me feel better.

Sara started kissing my neck and sliding her fingers in and out of me as slowly as she possibly could. I was glad. I didn't think my body could take much more than that. Her mouth went to my ear, and I smiled.

"You really like doing that, don't you?"

"Doing what?" she asked.

"Kissing my ears," I said with a laugh.

"Yeah," she said.

"Why?" I whimpered out. She was still fucking me. Painfully slowly, but she was still fucking me.

"Honestly?" Her fingers curled in me, and I shook. "It always makes you wet."

I bit my lip. She was right.

This felt so good. This felt so...different. Not because it was softer, but because Sara was lettting her walls down to give me what I needed. This felt like...I needed to remind myself that this may not mean to her what it means to me. I liked to think that Sara loved me the way I loved her, but I couldn't be sure until she told me. I needed to remind myself that this wasn't her making love to me. That the last time hadn't been us making love, either.

Maybe. Because she may actually feel the same way I do. And then maybe it was.

She hit a spot inside of me that made me see stars and lose my train of thought. I felt her teeth bite into my neck, and I briefly hoped that she hadn't bitten down too hard.

"You feel so good," she said, barely pulling away from my neck. "I love this. I've never wanted to touch anyone as much as I always want to touch you. It's just getting worse the more I get to."

Her hand hadn't picked up any speed, but I still felt myself getting closer and closer to cumming. I knew I wouldn't be able to finish like this, though. I was pretty sure she knew it, too.

"Sara...Sara, please."

"I know," she said. "I know you need to finish. I'm just enjoying this."

Suddenly, I didn't care if she didn't let me cum for a while. If she was feeling something, I wasn't going to rush her.

"I am, too," I said, pushing myself against her hand. I really couldn't go much longer, but I didn't want her to leave my body. She kept her slow, long strokes going for a while. Her thumb went to my clit, and I started whining louder. I wondered what Sara thought of the sounds I made when she was inside me. I wondered after this if we'd be comfortable enough to be able to talk about things like that.

This really felt different than the times before.

"I know you need to rest," she said. She sped her fingers up, and it knocked the wind out of me. I came with a shout, and Sara held me the whole time. She was slowly curling her fingers, easing me through it, and I wished that I had the energy to flip over and kiss her. To pin her down to the bed and make love to her all night...but I barely had the energy to keep my eyes open. After a few minutes, she went to take her fingers out of me, but I grabbed her wrist.

"Stay there," I said. "Just until I fall asleep. I like having you there, Sara."

She went back to fully laying behind me, and she kept her hand where it was. It felt like every muscle had been stretched, and I could finally breathe...at least a little bit. My lungs were still heavy from the cold.

"You always...you always make me feel like that."

She kissed my cheek. "Go to sleep, Tegan."

I laid still, just squeezing down on her fingers every once in a while, and hearing her gasp behind me. She was still inside of me when I fell asleep, and I assumed she would go back to her bed some time during the night.

But she didn't.

I woke up the next morning, and Sara was facing me, asleep. Her legs were intertwined with mine, and her hand that had been inside of me was now resting on my hip. I moved a little without thinking, and she started to wake up.

"Shh, baby," she said. "I'm trying to sleep."

She kissed my forehead, but her eyes never opened. I studied her face, happy that she was still here with me. She hadn't left. She'd only pulled me closer and slept with me. She leaned forward in her sleep, and I kissed her. She kissed me back. Her hand went into my hair.

Then her eyes flew open and she was pulling away and jumping out of the bed. It was like our first kiss all over again. I sat up in the bed. The blood rushed to my head, and I was reminded that I wasn't totally well.

"Sara, don't panic," I said.

"I shouldn't have..." she turned away from me, quickly throwing on some real clothes. "That was too much. I shouldn't have let you make me feel that way."

She was out the door before I could get out of the bed. I didn't even bother getting dressed, instead just throwing on a hoodie and some shorts with a pair of sneakers. I went out the door and looked around, but I didn't see her. I walked down her normal path and she wasn't there. I decided to go to the chapel, to see if she'd gone to pray, but she wasn't there. She wasn't at counseling. I didn't know how I knew that, but I did.

I tried not to worry. She was probably just taking a walk...but something in me told me that we'd gone too far too fast, and I was scared Sara wasn't coming back. It was totally irrational, but the feeling was there.

I went back to the cabin. It was still early. I tried to sleep again, but lying down was just making my chest feel tight. I sat at the desk. Sara's bible notes were laying open, and I glanced down at them. I wasn't expecting to see anything but advise from Joe and bible quotes. I hadn't expected to see my name. I focused my eyes and read a few lines.

Tegan makes me feel like my life hasn't been a waste, and that it won't be a waste. That I'm not just a burden on everyone around me. Tegan makes me feel important. That's probably not good. She would probably say that it was, though.

My eyes went wide, and I flipped through a few pages. There were quotes, here and there, but it was mostly just stories of what had happened between the two of us.

These weren't bible notes; this was Sara's diary.