I briefly thought to myself that I shouldn't invade Sara's privacy like I was about to. I thought of closing the book and going back to bed for a while. She would come back, and we would talk, but I wouldn't bring up the few lines I'd seen of her diary.

Of course, I knew that wasn't what I was going to do.

Starting from the beginning, it seemed that they had been bible notes. The first part was just quotes that one of the counselors had pointed out that would "help us find strength." That changed a few days in.

I can't stop looking at her. I need to get away from her. Joe says that being near her will help me...give me an example of what not to be...give me a challenge to help succeed in times that I can't focus on myself. She just feels dangerous. I need to stop watching her. And I need her to stop watching me.

I flipped forward a few pages.

She's so cocky. She doesn't even care that she's a sinner. She doesn't even care that her parents can't love her like this. I hate it. I hate her. I just want her to shut up. I just want to shut her up...I can't think about her like that. Even if I feel like I can't stop thinking about her like that.

For the most part, the early parts of her journal just reminded me of how awful we'd been to each other. I felt guilty for how I'd thought of her back then. We'd both been avoiding feelings for each other by treating each other terribly. I wish I'd known that she'd needed me then. Maybe she wouldn't have run away. Maybe she would have kept kissing me if I hadn't pushed her so hard.

I kept reading.

She says my name in her sleep sometimes. She starts gasping and calling for me. I didn't wake her up the first few times. I hadn't touched anyone since I'd gotten here. I hadn't even touched myself. What was I supposed to do when that voice started shouting my name? I couldn't help myself. I'm weak. I finally woke her up the other day when I felt tempted to feel just how wet she was.

She'd probably never let me take her the way I wanted to. She'd probably think I was an even bigger freak than she was. I just wish-

The next few lines were scratched out, but it looked like: I just wish I could tie her up and make her beg for it. She's probably used to having her way with girls the way I am, but I would fuck her until all she could say was my name.

I could feel my heart beating everywhere in my body. My breathing had gotten heavier without me even realizing it. The next words were written over more than once.

God, please take these thoughts away from me.

I closed the book for a while. I needed to get ready for chapel. I was sure that Sara would be there...and honestly, I couldn't read anymore. Just like everything else with Sara, it was making me sad and confused and so fucking turned on (my first thought shouldn't have been "I'd let you tie me up, Sara" but it was) that I couldn't even really process it.

I went to breakfast and kept telling myself that I shouldn't be surprised that Sara wasn't there. She'd been skipping for extra counseling. This wasn't out of the ordinary...but it felt like it was. We hadn't had a real set-back like this in a while, and this felt like the biggest step back that we'd ever done. All we'd done was spend the night together. We'd already slept together. Hell, we'd even slept basically next to each other in the tent. It wasn't like laying next to each other overnight should have made such a difference.

But it did. It did, and I knew it did. The last few times we'd been together had been different. She'd been giving me more and more every time, and it seemed that she felt she'd given more than she should have. She was in love with me, too. It probably wasn't fair for me to make that assumption without talking to her, but I knew it was true.

I went to chapel...and Sara wasn't there, either. Sara never missed chapel. Sara spent as much time in that chapel as she could. Why would she miss it now?

I counted the seconds until service was over. I ran to the cabin to check if she had gone back there, but she hadn't.

Group started, and Sara wasn't there. Joe noticed, but he didn't have a chance to comment. A lot of people were having their "turning moments" as camp was coming to a close, so he was kept busy. I saw him walking towards me, but I ran out before he could catch up. I grabbed lunch and walked back to the cabin.

Sara still wasn't there.

I tried to focus on my food and listen to music, but it was hard not to run out and start frantically looking for her. She hadn't even been gone a full day. I shouldn't have been this worried. I looked for something that could distract me, and my eyes fell on her diary on the desk. I crammed the last of my food into my mouth and sat at the chair, opening to a random page.

I've never had someone take as much as Tegan has without a complaint. She seems to want it. That doesn't make any sense. I'm not supposed to want to touch women like that. I don't think I'm supposed to want anyone the way I want her. She looked up at me from between my thighs last night, and I thought she'd be scared of me. I thought that taking her against the door was too much. Who would want someone who gets pleasure from doing that to someone else?

Then she pulled me closer and licked me...like I'd licked her the last time. She still wasn't running. Even after what had happened here, and on the desk, and on the floor, she wasn't turning away, and having her isn't giving me the usual feeling of being temporarily sated. I just wanted her more. I wonder how far she would let me push things next time. Does she have any limits? I shouldn't want to find out.

I wish I knew what I was doing wrong. Why do I want her so much? I thought that I didn't want girls anymore, but I'm starting to be afraid it's more than I just want her. What do I do to just want her as a friend? Why is she all I can ever think about anymore?

I heard a knock at the door, and I quickly wiped away the tear on my face. I ran to the door, hoping to see Sara, but it was a random counselor that I didn't even recognize. He was tall and thin. Probably only a couple of years older than me.

"Hello, Tegan!" he said to me, wearing the same smile as the rest of them did. "You're late to your one-on-one counseling. Danny sent me over to come get you."

I shook my head. "Any way we could put that off?"

"We maybe could if we hadn't changed your date twice already," he said. "Your day was during the hike-and-camp, and you were sick for your make-up session."

"Doesn't that mean I get to not have to go?" I asked, and he laughed.

"Oh, Tegan, you need these sessions as part of your recovery. Trust me, when I was in the same place a couple years ago, they were where I had my biggest breakthroughs!"

I sighed. "You're not going to leave, are you?"

He shook his head, and I followed him out the door. I wanted to read more. I wanted to know more of how she felt...what she was thinking. More than that, I wanted to be there when she got back.

I had a habit of my mind going to the absolute worst thing that could have happened to her. The most likely scenario was that she was just avoiding me or taking some time to herself, but all I could imagine was her lying somewhere, fatally wounded from an animal attack or from falling down a cliff or something...it was ridiculous, but thoughts like that hovered at the back of my mind.

I tried to stay calm as I sat down for my session with Danny.

"Well, it's been a while, hasn't it?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

"Do you feel like sharing anything today?" he asked. "I only want to help."

I briefly thought of sharing something with him. I felt like I didn't have anyone. Sara was God knows where, I'd just started getting to know Jeremy, so I didn't want to lay all this on him, and I didn't trust (or actively distrusted) everyone else. I just wanted to be able to talk to someone about this.

"I...I don't know."

He leaned forward in his chair. "Tegan, you can trust me. I won't judge you for anything you say. Feel free to share any thoughts or feelings that you've been having."

It was supposed to be comforting. I knew he was trying to give off calming vibes, but it didn't feel that way. His words said that I could trust him with my every thought, but his body was giving off that he wanted to hear your thoughts...he knew what they were. I assumed if I started to tell him just about my dreams with Sara, he would want to know every detail: How long did we kiss? What did her teeth feel like on my nipple? How many times had she made me cum?

"I don't have anything to say."

"Tegan-" I shook my head, and he sat back in his chair. "Tegan, I'm going to have to see some progress in you eventually, or I won't be able to give you a positive mental evaluation at the end of camp."

"I know," I said.

"Don't you care at all?"

I wanted to say no, but he seemed like he was getting angry. This was exactly why I hated being in these rooms alone with him.

"I just need more time," I said quietly.

He backed off. "I can understand that. I'm glad that you shared that with me."

I nodded, and he just talked to me for the rest of the time. I have no idea what he said.

I walked out of my counseling session and went back to the cabin, angry when Sara still wasn't there. I turned back around and went looking for her again. I walked almost every path we'd ever gone down together on our morning walks. I checked all of the places we'd ever eaten breakfast or lunch. I checked in the chapel, then decided to walk to the back. Sara had mentioned that she sometimes went back there to pray or take notes...I guess write in her diary, actually. I'd checked earlier, but she hadn't been there.

As I walked closer to the back, I started to hear noises. They were faint at first, but they were getting louder. Whimpering. Gasping. Moaning.

Someone was having sex behind the chapel.

I briefly had the thought of Sara having some girl back there, and my stomach dropped. What if Sara did have some other girl back there? I felt instantly jealous and hurt. I also knew that if it was Sara, I'd feel slightly relieved, knowing she was okay. That just made me angry with myself. Even if I knew she was running off, fucking someone else, I'd just be happy that she was alive. I shook my head at myself. This was all in my head. I peeked around the corner to see who it was.

It wasn't Sara.

But it was Heather and Tina again.

Heather had Tina pinned against the wall, head buried in Tina's neck, and her hand under Tina's skirt, but that's all I saw before I pulled back around the corner. I started to walk away, but I heard Tina speak up.

"Kiss me,"

I took a few steps, then Heather spoke.

"You know I don't do that, Tina," she said. "You know the rules."

"I just...I think that it could be nice-"

"This isn't about being nice," Heather said. "There are no feelings here."

"Heather, you don't have to be so cold-"

"This is about us releasing our sin, right?" There was silence for a second before she repeated, "Right?"

"Right," Tina said. "You're totally right. Sorry."

Tina went back to moaning, and I got away as quickly as possible. It sounded so familiar. There weren't feelings. They were just friends. Friends who shared the same sin who understood that sometimes, it became too much to control, so you had to help each other. Except one of the friends always ended up wanting more.

Friends like Sara and me.

I went back to the cabin, and read her diary from cover to cover. Every page. Every word. I needed to know that she felt more. I needed to know that she felt what I felt. I needed to know that she loved me. If her journal wasn't the confirmation that I'd been looking for, then I didn't know what was.

Every day that passed, it seemed that Sara had loved me more and more. And every day, she fought those feelings harder and harder. Lines of her thoughts and sexual desires were literally written over with scripture. She would start a sad story about her family, then quickly talk of how wonderful they were. Sometimes, she would just be honest.

I hate my sister. It makes me feel like a terrible person for feeling that way, but I do. I want to love her. My parents love her. I'd always wanted a sister. I should love her. I should have felt it the moment that my parents brought her to show me in the hospital. I didn't, though. I did care for her, and love her on some level, but I knew that we'd never be close. I'd tried, but all she did was push me away. Hurt me. Distance me even further from my parents.

I wondered if they'd hate me the way they do if Samantha hadn't come along and been the perfect child they always wanted. They probably would. My sin is just too large to love.

Those types of entries became more regular as she went along. As we got along. It gave me glimpses into her family, into the girls she was with before (I felt jealous for the second time that day, reading the details of the things that she'd done with them, but I couldn't ignore how I crossed my legs and imagined her doing some of these things to me), into how she felt about the camp, and most of all, it showed me what she thought of me. I read over the most recent passage a few times.

I should have noticed sooner. I knew she'd been feeling a little sluggish since we'd gotten back from the trip, but I didn't realize how serious it was. I should have. She would have noticed it about me. She would have taken care of me. Well, I'm going to take care of her. As soon as she wakes up, I'm going to give her whatever she needs.

My extra prayer isn't helping me as much as I'd hoped it would. I just...I try to pray, and then I open my eyes, and just stare at my hands in front of my face. They've touched her. They've been inside her. One of them was as far inside of her as it could go, and if I had any more to give, she seemed like she would have been happy to take it.

Everyone in my life has told me that I wasn't good enough. Something was always wrong with me, and I've always believed it. Is it more likely that there's something wrong with me, or that everyone else is wrong? That's the logic that my parents would use, so it was the logic I always used. I desperately tried to make myself right.

Tegan makes me feel like I finally don't have to try too hard, because she just likes me. The more of my bad sides that I show, whether she likes them individually or not, she seems to like me more. It makes me happy. She makes me happy.

It's probably dangerous to let myself think this way.

For today, I'm going to focus on making her better. I'll deal with myself later.

I closed the book and laid down on my bed on my side, staring at the wall. It was getting late. It was passed curfew, but no one had come by to check our cabin (they checked cabins randomly, just to fuck with us more). Sara still wasn't home. Thoughts swirled through my head. Heather and Tina's conversation. Sara's journal. Sara's face right before she'd run out of the cabin. Like she was in a panic. She wouldn't have...she wouldn't have done anything to herself, would she?

I started to cry, trying to force myself to sleep. It didn't work. I got up and took a shower, trying to clear my thoughts, but it didn't help. I dried off, got dressed again, then started cleaning the room. Just as I was about to pull my bed away from the wall to sweep there, I heard the door open and close behind me.

I spun around, and Sara met my eyes briefly, before looking away and starting to walk to her bed.

"Um...hello?"

Sara didn't look up at me as she pulled back her covers and grabbed her sleep clothes. "Hello, Tegan."

"Where the fuck were you?" I asked her. She started to walk into the bathroom. "Sara, stop!"

"I needed some space."

"You could have told someone where you were," I snapped. "We were all worried."

"We who?" she asked.

"We everyone," I answered, quickly. "You just took off."

"I don't have to tell you everywhere I go, Tegan. I don't have to tell you everything I do."

She walked into the bathroom, and I felt like she'd slapped me. This wasn't about me being possessive. This was about me knowing that she was running. She was running from her feelings. She was running from me. She wouldn't admit to either of us that she felt something for me.

When she walked out of the bathroom, I was ready to tell her off. I took the breath I would need to make it through the speech I was about to give her, but it got caught when I saw something.

A small mark on her neck. Barely there. Not from me.

I walked closer to her and touched it without thinking. Her eyes went wide, and her hand flew to her neck.

"Oh," I said. "Okay."

"Tegan-"

"Is that where you were off to all day?" I asked her through my teeth.

"No."

I waited for her to say more, but she didn't.

"What...what the fuck, Sara?"

"I can't talk about this right now."

I let out a laugh. "You can't talk about this right now? You can't just-"

"Tegan," she said, calmly, and I stopped talking. "I cannot deal with this right now. I can't deal with you right now. Just go to bed."

"I...I..." I wanted to say something. I looked into her eyes, and she looked like the day had taken its toll on her, too. One more night. I would give her one more night of silence.

I turned around and crawled into my bed without another word. I heard her do the same behind me. I knew I would barely sleep. I felt crazy...like I wanted to tear this stupid fucking cabin apart log by log. Sadly, I knew that if Sara decided that she needed to take out her frustrations on my body in the middle of the night, I would probably let her, because I knew it would make me feel better for a little while.

The next morning came surprisingly fast, and Sara and I got ready without a word. I'd look at her when she wasn't watching, and I could feel her doing the same to me. I was tired of this. Tired of constantly holding my tongue. Tired of always making sure that she was comfortable. What about me? What about how I felt?

She ate breakfast with a few of the other "actually trying" kids, so I sat with Jeremy.

"Looks like things are going well," he said as he looked at me.

"Not now," I said.

"Wow, I'm sorry," he said. "You look really upset."

"I am really upset," I replied. "My patience is running thin."

"Can I offer a distraction?" he asked, and I nodded. "I caught one of the counselors jacking off to a gay porn magazine."

I laughed. "I caught Heather fucking Tina."

His jaw dropped. "Get the fuck out."

"Twice."

His eyes blinked a few times. "Okay, well, that's actually news."

"Yeah," I said with a smirk, glad to have him here.

"Although, I guess it should be obvious that's going to happen," he went on. "Most of them are 'recovered' or whatever. Some of them are bound to pair off just like some of us are."

I looked over at Sara. She wasn't talking to any of them. She was just slowly eating her food, staring at the table. I wished that she could have someone to turn to. Then I remembered the mark on her neck, and I thought bitterly that maybe she already did.

"Maybe we shouldn't," I said. "How can anything healthy come out of this place?"

He shrugged. "I feel like there's really no such thing as a healthy relationship. Try to be as loving and respectful as possible, but just kind of accept that you're going to fuck each other up a little bit. It's the way of life."

I laughed. "Isn't that kind of like settling?"

He shook his head. "It's like realizing that you don't want perfect. You just want the other person. In your case, you just want Sara."

"You're making a lot of sense right now," I said to him. "I just wish she wasn't making it so hard."

"Yeah, I can't really help you, there," he said with a laugh. "Patience is not something that I have much of...any of, really."

"I think I used to," I said. "I think she used it all."

He laughed. "I have a feeling that if you two get together, you're going to need to find a lot more from somewhere."

I smiled at him. "I'm glad I met you, Jeremy."

"Same," he said back. "Now please, God, tell me more about Heather!"

I filled him in on all the details of that story, glad to not be thinking about Sara for at least a little while. When we finally had to go to chapel, Jeremy gave me a hug and a wish of good luck before sending me on my way.

Sitting next to Sara at chapel was so hard. We'd gone through her making me uncomfortable to me making her uncomfortable to both of us making each other uncomfortable, and I just wanted to be able to relax. I just wanted to be able to sit next to her without thinking about it. Was that so much to ask for?

When it let out, we all started to walk towards Arts and Crafts, but Heather and Joe lead us toward group. Everyone started asking questions (no one wanted to go to group. At least in Arts and Crafts, we didn't really have to think or talk. We just painted stuff), but eventually, we all just sat down and waited for an explanation.

"Hey, guys!" Joe said. "We thought that with things getting pretty close to done here, we should have some bonus group time. A lot of you still have a ways to go in a short amount of time, so you'll need this extra help! We'll hear a little bit from everyone today before we head off to lunch."

I held in a groan, and I could almost feel everyone doing the same around me. I didn't want to share. I just wanted to get back to my cabin so I could talk to Sara. I couldn't hold this all in much longer.

They went around the room, one-by-one, getting us to talk as much as they could. They brought most of the younger kids (and a lot of the older ones and adults) to tears, talking about things that they probably shouldn't be forced to talk about in front of a room full of people.

Sara was barely paying attention to any of it. I hated that I wanted to comfort her. Joe was getting closer and closer to her, and I wondered what she was going to say when he finally got to her. She hadn't seemed very interested in Joe or any of the counselors for a while, but she was still trying to recover.

"Sara," Joe finally said. "I know you've been having struggles, but I've also noticed you in the chapel more. Have you altered your recovery method? That's totally okay. Why don't you talk about it?"

"I don't have anything to say," Sara said in response, and Joe looked a little surprised.

"I can understand your defensiveness, but there's no need to lash out. I'm only trying to help."

"I know," she said. "What would help the most is if I didn't have to talk right now. Thank you."

Joe shook his head. "No, that's what you think would help the most. Sara, you can't always trust your feelings. They are what have led you astray so far."

"All I've ever done is fight my feelings, and it just makes me hurt. I just-" She cut herself off. "I don't want to talk right now."

"Oh, it's natural to feel that way. You've been fighting so hard for so long. You feel like it would be easier to just give into your sin."

"Sometimes, I feel like it would be better," she muttered under her breath.

"That's normal, too," he said. "Just think about it, though. It may be easier in the short term, but is it better to turn your back on your family? On their hopes and dreams for you? Is it better to commit your soul to eternal damnation?"

He was leaning over her, and she was starting to shrink into herself. All I could imagine was Sara's father. I'd seen him only in the one picture that Sara had brought with her of her family. He was tall, and I could almost see him towering over her like Joe was, even more intimidating because of his size.

"She's trying. Back off," I said, and Joe turned to me.

"Tegan, it'll be your turn to share soon enough."

"You don't need to basically corner her in her chair," I went on.

"Tegan, shut up," Sara snapped at me, and I scoffed in disbelief.

"Are you kidding me? I'm trying to help you."

"I can take care of myself," she said quickly. "Stay out of it. This has nothing to do with you."

"Oh, really?" I was losing it. "This had nothing to do with me?"

"Yeah, I really don't need your help, no matter how much you try to push it on me."

"You're kidding, right?" I was shaking my head. "You're fucking insane!"

"Tegan," Joe said. "Language."

"Oh, fuck you!" I yelled at him. "Fuck you, and this whole stupid fucking camp! The only reason anyone is showing 'results' is because they want results, or they're delirious from lack of food. You feed us, like, 300 calories a day."

"Tegan, we've had dietitians pick out your meal plans-"

"Bullshit. No one is trained here! The one-on-one sessions are just like live Penthouse letters for Danny and the others, and there is no way in hell that anyone with proper training would say that the beds we sleep in are conducive to sleep or that the food we're given has any real nutritional value. Your experts are crap!"

"Tegan, stop," Sara said, leaning toward me, but it just pissed me off more.

"I can take care of myself, Sara," I spat. "This has nothing to do to you."

"Yeah, throw my words in my face. Really mature."

"Coming from the girl that can't have one honest conversation about how she really feels-"

"Tegan. Shut. Up." Sara had a dangerous look on her face.

"I'm so tired of this," I said. "I'm tired of being told to hate myself. I'm tired of this place."

Heather stepped forward. "Tegan, while there will have to be consequences for your words, we all realize that this is a part of your process-"

"Don't even get me started on you," I said. "What were you doing in your tent at the hike-and-camp, Heather? Or, I guess I should say who-"

"Out!" Heather's voice almost echoed with the volume that she shouted the word. Her finger was pointing toward the door. "Tegan and Sara both out!"

"But, Heather-" Sara started to say, but Heather cut her off.

"You'll go back to your cabin. You won't stray. Someone will check on you later. Go."

"I-"

"NOW!" Heather was shaking, so Sara and I quickly got up and walked out the door.

It had started raining again, just to mock me that little bit more. Sara was walking quickly ahead of me, and I was angrily staring at the back of her head. This was her fault, but I was sure she would act like it was mine. I didn't care. I was done.

The second I walked into the cabin and closed the door behind me, Sara was in my face.

"What the hell were you thinking?!" She was angry. I was glad. "Why would you say all that?"

"Because it's all true. This place is sick, Heather, and probably all the other counselors, is a fake, and you have feelings for me. I know that I..." I took a deep breath. I was terrified to say it, but it had to be said. "I love you, Sara."

"Tegan, please, just stop," she said, closing her eyes, her voice going soft. "You don't mean that."

"I do." It felt good to finally have it out, but I knew it wouldn't be able to be the romantic moment that I wanted it to be. "I love you, Sara."

"Stop," she said, she was starting to get angry again. "I can't...I can't deal with this."

"Yeah, well, you have to," I said. "Sometimes things have to go my way."

"Things always go your way, Tegan."

I laughed. "Oh, because I get the privilege of touching you? Should I feel lucky?"

"That's not what I'm saying."

"You disappeared!" I yelled at her. "You disappeared for a day without a word to anyone. No one could tell me where you were or if you were okay. And then, you finally come back, and I find that someone else has been sucking on your neck, and I fucking hate it!"

"I'm not yours to care about!" she yelled at me.

"Yeah, well, obviously, I want you to be."

There was a knock, and both of our heads snapped to the door. I answered it, and Tina was on the other side of the door.

Tina was a few years older than me. Maybe 24? She mostly tried to stay in the background and just clap when she was supposed to. I'd never noticed her paying more attention to Heather than to anyone else...I wondered if that was a conscious effort.

She was holding a basket in one hand and an umbrella in the other. The rain was getting bad again.

"I was sent out to make sure you got food." She handed me the basket. "We might all end up having to hunker down, so you two make sure to stay put."

"Yeah. Sure," I said.

"Make sure to keep your fan running as long as we have power. It'll be really humid through this. There's a lot of water."

"Okay. Thank you." I started to close the door, but she stopped it with her hand.

"Heather isn't a bad person. She's just...confused. She doesn't know what she wants."

"I'd hate to be the person on the other end of that," I said, realizing as I said it that I kind of was.

"Just please don't say anything else," she said to me. "This is her life."

"Whatever," I said. "Find cover, Tina." I closed the door, then set the basket on the desk. Sara was sitting in the chair.

"We shouldn't talk about these things," Sara said to me. "I'm sorry we did this in the first place."

"No, you aren't," I said. "Even if you were, that doesn't change the fact that we did. We kissed, we fucked, you...you had your whole hand in me, Sara. As much as you don't want to admit it, we made love. That was making love."

"That was supposed to be you helping me as a friend, remember?" Angry again. Not surprising. "You weren't supposed to be falling for me, Tegan."

"But I was. You were, too. Just admit it."

She shook her head. "I wasn't. I care about you as a friend, but I don't love you like that."

"I'm not letting you do this," I said. "You're going to be honest with me. You owe me this, Sara. You need to tell me you love me."

"I don't."

"What the fuck happened while you were gone?"

"I don't have to tell you that," she said. She wanted me to raise to the bait, and so far, I had been. I couldn't anymore. I was just too tired of it.

"Sara, please," I said. "We just...you mean so much to me. Just be honest with me."

"There's nothing to say," she mumbled out.

"Stop lying."

She grunted and stood up to face me. We were definitely within each other's personal space, but we still had a little distance between us.

"So you won't accept any answer that isn't that I love you?"

"If you don't love me, make me feel that," I said. "All you've made me feel is that you love me."

"I hated you when we met!" she yelled. "I didn't want anything to do with you, Tegan!"

"No, you didn't," I said. "The way you looked at me didn't say that you hated me. The way we immediately bonded the moment you gave us a chance to didn't say that you hated me, Sara."

"The way that I told you that I hated you should have told you that I hated you," Sara said.

"The only reason you ever hated me was because you love me and I'm a girl," I said. "You've never been able to stop staring at me."

"That's not true."

"It is, too! You even wrote it yourself!"

"What?" Sara asked, taking a step back.

I took a deep breath. I hadn't meant to say that, but things had been flying out of my mouth without thought all day. I shouldn't have been surprised.

"I read your notes. Your diary."

"You had no right to do that," she said, her eyes going wide.

"I know," I said. "And I'm sorry that I invaded your privacy, but it just confirmed what I already knew."

"How am I supposed to be able to trust you after this?" She said, breaking eye contact. I took a step closer to her.

"Don't make this about something else. I'm sorry. I promise to earn your trust back. That doesn't change the fact that you're in love with me, Sara. Just say it."

She looked at me. Her eyes look scared as she scanned my entire face. She put her lips on mine, and both her hands went to my ass, pulling me closer. I kissed back without thinking. Every kiss felt so good. Her hands went to the front of my pants, but I pushed them away.

"No, Sara," I said. "We're not doing this."

"You want it," she said to me. "If you get to say what you know about me, then I get to do the same. I know you want me, Tegan."

"I-" she started biting my neck, and I let out a sound that I couldn't even define in words. "Sara, you can't just keep avoiding this."

"This is it, Tegan," she said, palming my chest over my shirt. "This is the last time. Really the last time."

I felt sick. Not because I believed what she was trying to deny this to me, but because she was really still trying to deny this to herself. I pushed her away. "This isn't. This isn't even close, Sara. This won't be the last time." I kissed her long and slow. She fell into it for a minute, her hands falling to my hips, but it only lasted for a moment.

"Stop pushing this, Tegan." She pushed me back on her bed as the weather outside got even worse. She crawled on top of me and kissed me hard. I rolled us over. Sara fought against me, but I just grabbed her wrists and pinned her hands to her sides. I kissed her cheeks a few times, and she sighed.

"Just relax, Sara," I said, moving down to kiss her collar bone.

"This isn't how we work," she said, still trying to free her hands, but I had gravity on my side. She finally got one hand free and started to try to rip my top off. I smacked her hands away, and she finally stopped struggling for a minute. "Are you just trying to torture me?"

"No," I said. "I'm making love to you for the first time without questioning if it's really that." I pulled my top and bra off one after the other. Sara looked at me in awe for a moment, and I took that time to start slowly pulling her top over her head. She tried to rush me, but I just kept batting her hands away.

"Tegan, stop it!" she said in frustration. "Just touch me."

"I'm taking my time," I said. "I'm not afraid of anyone walking in on us. I'm not afraid of crossing lines with you. I'm going to take my time. If you really want me to stop, just tell me to stop."

"I don't" she growled. "Just...we can't be like this."

"We have to be like this." While we'd been talking, I'd pulled off all of my clothes, and all she had left was her underwear. "I need you to get how much I love you."

"Just pull them off," she said. "Just do it."

I dragged them down her legs, and I laid fully on top of her naked for the second time. She pulled me into a heated kiss, and I slowed it down with my own lips. She resisted at first, but just ended up following my lead until she eventually pushed me back.

"Please let me touch you like this, Sara," I said. "Just once. Let yourself love me. Feel how much I love you."

She kept trying to flip us, but I just grabbed her wrists and put her arms back at her sides. We kept kissing, and she kept trying to speed up the pace, but I kept it slow.

"Sara, you have to let someone in sometime," I said. "Please, just let me in." I rubbed my nipples against hers, and both of us twitched from the feeling. I leaned down and pulled one of her nipples into my mouth and sucked on it lightly. Sara whined above me, but I didn't suck any harder.

"Tegan...I can't..."

"What?" I came back to her face. "What's wrong."

"I just can't say it," Sara said. "I feel it, Tegan. You know I do. I just can't say it."

I looked into her eyes, and realized that she'd finally at least said it to herself. I smiled. "That's good enough for now. Just know that I love you."

She gulped, then nodded. "Yes. I do."

I leaned down and kissed her, and she wrapped her arms around my back. I wanted to feel her against me. I wanted to feel her everywhere. I was grinding down on Sara's stomach, and her hands slid to my hips. It felt so good, but I wanted her to feel it, too.

I'd thought about doing something like this before, but I wasn't even sure I could make it work. I wanted to feel her pussy against mine, but I didn't know how to do it, and I didn't quite know how to ask. I found that my body did it for me, as I slid myself lower and lower with every thrust against her. Sara pulled away from our kiss and looked into my eyes. I glanced down between us, then back to her.

"Have you ever..." I pushed my hips down. I was just a little high of where I wanted to be, but she got what I was asking. I could see it on her face. "Have you ever done this before."

"Yes," she said. "A couple times. Neither was very good."

"I want it," I said. "I've never done it before. I guess you knew that. I haven't done anything that I haven't done with you." I slid down further, keeping my legs on either side of her hips. I made her spread her legs as far as she could. I was hovering right above her.

"Tegan, this isn't going to feel like much. At least for me. It might feel okay for-" I lowered myself on top of her, and her words stopped as her eyes rolled back in her head. I barely saw it before the feeling of her core against mine forced my own eyes closed. I didn't move. I just enjoyed the feeling of her against me. I pushed a little harder, and I felt my clit kiss hers. I moved a little, and I started to feel a little dizzy. Sara was groaning underneath me.

I pushed down harder, but not any faster. I didn't know if I ever wanted to cum. I knew that I didn't want it for a while. I forced my eyes open, and I was shocked to see that Sara was already watching me. Her mouth was open, and there were tears in her eyes.

"Is this-" I shuddered as I moved against her. I could feel her wetness starting to mix with mine, and I could barely think straight. "Is this okay? D-Do you feel anything?"

"Oh, Tegan," Sara said, throwing her head back. "Yes. I feel it. It feels...it feels so good." She tried to get me to roll my hips faster with her hands, but I didn't change my speed. I didn't make her move her hands, though. I knew this was coming from her body being desperate, not from her trying to throw up walls.

Sara's breathing was uneven, and I could feel it in my clit. I was driving her crazy. I was driving us both crazy. I wanted myself to move faster, but part of me was afraid that Sara would run again after this...and I wanted it to last as long as it could. Another part of me was just enjoying every second of this. Sara felt so soft and slick against me. I'd never felt anything like this. I found myself saying that a lot with Sara.

I moved just slightly faster, but Sara definitely felt it. Her eyes didn't seem like they were able to focus on anything. She was practically growling, but I knew I wasn't giving her nearly enough to finish, because it wasn't enough for me. She finally seemed to regain her senses a little bit, and she leaned up to kiss me. One of her thumbs ran over my nipple, and I shook. I pushed her back down on the bed, sat back up, and started pushing my pussy into hers as hard and as fast as I could.

Her nails dug into my hips, but I barely felt it. I could feel her clit bumping and rubbing into mine, and it was making me scream. I wasn't even sure if I'd have a voice the next day, but I couldn't control it, even if I wanted to.

"Tegan," Sara said. "Tegan...I..." Sara couldn't get the words out. I didn't even bother to try to get them out of her. I was too far gone. I somehow found a little more strength to push myself into her. We were both close. I could feel both of us starting to pant. I felt like an animal, pushing myself against Sara, chasing something bigger than I've ever felt before.

When I saw Sara's face start to contort in pleasure, it threw me over the edge with her. I was cumming...a lot. It stole the air out of my lungs, and I saw Sara's eyes go wide as she shook harder. I was squirting...and I was pretty sure that it was gushing into Sara. She was using her hands on my hips to pull me as close as she could. Her lips were quivering against mine, and it just kept making me pour out of myself and into her.

I didn't think that Sara would ever stop surprising me. Stop fulfilling me. I'd never thought that anyone could make me feel complete the way that Sara did for me. I could twitch against her like this forever, and I would be happy.

We stared at each other, saying nothing, as we both tried to come down from what we'd just done. Sara looked so happy. She always did after we were done, before her guilt inevitably set in. I tucked a hair behind her ear, and her smile just got wider.

"I love you."

It was like she hadn't meant the words to come out of her mouth. Her face started to fall, and tears rushed to her eyes.

"Sara, it's okay."

She motioned for me to get off of her, and I did. She sat up in the bed, and I sat next to her. She was staring off, trying to catch her breath. Before I knew it, she was sobbing, and I had my arm around her shoulders.

"I love you, Tegan. It isn't my sin. It isn't something that's happening to me. It's how I feel. It's just me. I love you. I want girls. I've always wanted girls. Tegan, I just felt you cum inside of me, and I loved it. And I want it to happen for as long as I can have it happen. And I love you."

I rubbed her back. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know if there was anything for me to say. She turned her face into my neck to cry more, and I let her. She stayed there for a while, trying to regain her composure. Finally, she faced me again. There were tears down her cheeks, and her eyes were puffy, but there was a smile on her face.

"I love you. I don't have to try to change anymore, because you love me, too. You love me just how I am."

"I do," I said, holding her close to me. "You don't need to change."

She took a deep breath, then let it out. "I know. I've just...this is the first time in my life that I can remember where I wasn't thinking about something I needed to change." She started to cry again. "Can we just lay down? Can you hold me like this? I promise not to run away."

I just nodded. We both laid down, and I held her from behind. I felt her crying, but I knew that she needed it. All I could do was be there for her. I knew that she wasn't going to take anymore steps back. I didn't know how I knew, but I did.

"Tegan?" she said, just before I fell asleep.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"I love you."

I smiled. "I love you, too."

"We can talk in the morning, okay? I know you want to talk."

I kissed the back of her neck, like she'd done to me when I was sick. "It's okay. I know."

I held her tighter, and fell asleep.